Falling to pieces

THIS IS MY FIRST D/HR FIC, PLEASE BE KIND..... AND IT'S BEEN YEARS SINCE I'VE WRITTEN.....

I've gotten used to living half a life. With one man, in love with another. It's what happens when two people do what is expected of them, what is socially acceptable in their inner circles, instead of following their hearts. It is hard after a war, when emotions are already elevated to stir the pot and drop a bombshell.

I chuckled sometimes to think of what the looks on peoples faces would have been if we had told them the truth. I found it hard after the war to follow my heart. All the unspoken promises that seemed to exist between Ron and I weighed heavily on my conscience. So many people would have been saddened had they known where my heart truly lie, especially Ron. The weight of those consequences almost had me running away, which is what He had begged of me. But I just couldn't do it, I couldn't turn my back on 7 years of friendships for someone and something that was still new. And now I live with that everyday, and nights like these are the most torturous.

He stares at me from across the room, his eyes burning all the way into my soul. Even four years after agreeing to lock away everything that was us, he can still have this effect on me. Neither of us can turn away, its a game we always play, seeing who will turn away first. Luckily no one notices, especially our spouses, who are both busy speaking with fellow Ministry employees. I can faintly hear Ron discussing the Chudley Canons current season, something I could not care less about. All I can focus on are those sparkling gray eyes and how they are making my skin burn. My eyes water as I refuse to even blink, fearing he will disappear in that split second.

“Mrs. Weasley...?” I'm broken from my stare by a coworker of mine now standing beside me. I had not even noticed her walk up. “Did you hear me?” I shake my head no. “I said I love your dress.”

I look down at myself. The flowing satin dress, hugging my curves in all the right places, shimmers in the light of the chandeliers. The deep emerald green color a silent tribute to the man who had held my stare. The thought brings me back to reality. I look back and he is gone. My stomach drops and my palms instantly become damp. My heart races as I scan the room and find him nowhere. My urge to flee overwhelms me, no one can see me like this, especially Ron.

“I'm sorry Claire. I'm not feeling too well. Can you excuse me? Oh and please don't call me Mrs. Weasley, Hermione is fine.” I hate that name for more than one reason, but most people assume its for formalities. I rush away without even looking to my husband, knowing he understands. This happens at all of these functions, and I always blame it on the champagne. He always reminds me not to drink, but I always do in case I need this alibi for disappearing.

I rush into the nearest loo and cast a locking charm, not wanting to be disturbed. I stare at myself in the mirror, trying to calm my breathing. I see a pathetic, weak, has been Griffindor, who falls to pieces at the mere sight of a man. I roll my eyes and slam my fists on the counter.

“Why? Why? Why?” I cry at my reflection. I hate this feeling of utter despair. I get to the point where I am content in my life, I enjoy Ron's company and then a bloody function for work comes up and this always happens. Ron is a wonderful husband, he would do anything for me. I can't understand why these feelings are still so strong and hate myself for sharing my heart with another man besides him. I think we both expected them to wear off, the feelings we had for each other, how naive we were.

I slowly slide down the adjacent wall in unison with the tears that slowly fall down my cheeks. I sit on my heels and bury my face in my hands. My mind wanders back five years to where it all began.