If I ever leave this world alive

With the war over King’s Cross was full of soul’s ready to board the train for the last time. Dumbledore waved to them, his eyes twinkling mischievously as they had in life, happy to see them off on their journey. He knew the casualties would be many but it pained him to come across some of his students, Fred Weasley in particular. Many of them wept, they hugged, and Dumbledore watched unable to join them just yet.


One soul in particular concerned him, one he had perhaps overlooked in life. It took some time to wade through the reuniting families and friends, but finally he found him. Severus Snape sat on the bench alone, glaring longingly at the happiness around him. There was no one to come to claim him, to lovingly embrace him and lead him home. He was surprised by any means, but it still pained him. His whole life he had spent pining for Lily, his childhood love, but in the end she was not here to guide him to the other side. Probably too distracted by Potter.

“Hello again Severus”

Severus frowned up at the old man. Too long had he done Dumbledore’s bidding and gotten no recompense, not even a bloody ‘well done Severus’. And now here he was, ready it seemed to harass him even in the after life. Would the entire train ride into hell be spent listening to his incessant heckling? Would there ever be ANY peace for Severus Snape or was this his punishment for all the evil deeds he had done.

“Something I can do for you Headmaster?”

Dumbledore tilted his head, choosing to sit down at the potion master’s feet rather than by his side. Even now his pupil was without happiness, without peace. He supposed that was partially his fault. He could have stopped the children from picking on Severus; it just had never entered his mind that he too was biased by house. Guilty by association was the term. Severus had by no means ever been a gentle and happy child, but he would not have been so miserable if Dumbledore had stepped in, just once. Instead of coddling Potter and his friends, if Dumbledore had just accepted the young Slytherin, just acted like the father figure he had been to Harry. Perhaps then, even without Lily by his side, Severus would have found peace in death. Instead here they were, both alone, both unable to move on.

“No,” Dumbledore said thoughtfully, “not for me Severus. I just wanted to see how you fared…and whether you would choose to move on.”
The potions master snorted. “Neither way looks appealing. Cursed to wander the halls with the dunderheads for eternity, or moving on to more misery, not much choice there.”

Dumbledore considered Severus again, as he had for much of the time he spent waiting in this façade of a train station. Karma. The boy’s deeds were indeed heinous in certain respects, but had he not redeemed himself just a little? He’d allowed himself to be treated as a pawn for most of his adult life, doing penance for a foolish decision made in childhood.

“Tell me Severus, do you ever wonder why we stumble upon the earth?”

The potions master shrugged, not really caring to converse. The man had made his life miserable for more than two decades AND had gotten him killed before he could ever be acknowledged for his bravery.

“I think that we all have lessons to learn. Perhaps you have learned yours, perhaps I have learned mine. Is that not reason enough to move on? To see what lot we get next?”

Severus looked at him coldly, preparing to stand move to another bench. It would not be much use he feared, the headmaster would simply follow, but the act alone would be an improvement to his mood. He had thought about this long and hard, every day in fact, since Lily was murdered. Did he really want to try again? Was it all worth it? Or would the actions in this life condemn him even further.

“I have lived a life of misery Albus,” he said finally, caring not for titles, “There is no one, not in this world nor in the next, that will ever be my match, not even Lily.”

Dumbledore nodded somberly. Lily had been Severus’ soul-mate perhaps, but not the soul mate. Not the one he would love from one life to the next, his match. That woman had not yet crossed paths with the potions master. At least…not that he had noticed. Dumbledore searched his mind for possible matches in Severus’ life, he’d often wondered if Severus had dalliances with the staff, but it was well known the man practiced celibacy. So it would not be among them. ‘What of the students?’ a voice nudged. Dumbledore cringed at the thought of such an illicit affair, but knew Severus would never have crossed such boundaries. Dumbledore’s mind wandered again to Lily and the son she had given James. It must have been torture for the Slytherin, he had shadowed her steps since they were children, Harry could have been his son. Dumbledore smiled, thinking of the exploits he’d gotten away with. ‘Although one could only attribute his not getting caught to the brains of the group—Miss Granger’ his mind commented idly. Dumbledore froze. Miss Granger.

“Get on the train Severus” he commanded, getting up abruptly and dragging the man by the collar like a schoolboy.

Severus allowed himself to be pulled along for a moment in shock before he came back to his senses.

“Dumbledore what are doing? This is MY CHOICE. For once in your bloody life let me decide my own fate!”

Dumbledore huffed, making furious gestures to the train. It was bound to leave soon and if he wasn’t on it the boy was going to ruin everything. She would be there for him in the next life, Dumbledore could feel it. If only he could convince the stubborn ass to get on the train!

“Severus I failed you in the last life. I know you hate me for it, and I deserve every ounce of it. I am sorry, the gods alone know how sorry I am. But if you do not get on this train you are going to miss it.”

Severus’ lips pinched together in a thin line thinking he’d finally seen Dumbledore go off the deep end.

“What will I be missing Albus? More misery?”

The old man shook his head sadly. “Love! You’re going to miss love Severus. The kind that most men would die for. I have never given you reason to call me friend, but you must trust me now. Please…” he begged.

The train’s horn tooted, warning all that they had best get on board or return to the world as spirits. He saw a few of his students, clutching each other fearfully, but they climbed on board anyway braving whatever was on the other side. He wished for some of that Gryffindor bravery, the kind that had kept him alive, kept him doing his job day in, and day out. What choice did he have?

“I hope I don’t regret this” he muttered, hugging the old man briefly.
Severus flung himself onto the train, whirling away into the next life.