Comfortably Numb?

19 years.
Two beautiful kids off to school.
Just him and I alone for the next 10 months.
I can’t do it anymore.

We got married so young. We were so in love. We knew everything about each other. My parents didn’t want me to marry so young, but back then, I knew something they didn’t. He loved me, he wanted me and I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life. I wanted to have children with him, I wanted to grow old together, to live a life full of love and passion. So we did. We got married right after the war. Years later we had two children back to back. Sure, we had our rough times, but honestly, didn’t everyone?

We had so much passion between us, whether we were fighting or making love, the passion was so intense, people could see it from looking at us. Years down the road we felt so happy. We felt our lives were perfect. Someone actually thought we were newlyweds after 10 years of being married. We just laughed and looked into each other’s eyes and knew we’d always be this way.

Things weren’t always easy between us. I had my opinions, he had his. We always seemed to argue, but figured it was okay, we complimented each other this way. We fit, like two puzzle pieces perfectly joined. Where he was lacking, I made up for it, where I needed to learn, he taught me.

But then, somewhere down the road, we seemed to have lost sight of the love that brought us together. Our fights were getting worse. Every time he yelled, it hurt a little less. We would always make up, but the words that were said in the face of anger were always there, hanging, like little pensieves floating in front of us, reminding us of the things we felt and thought.

I poured myself into my job more and more. I felt appreciated, needed. Those weren’t the feelings I had when I went home at night. Sure the kids needed me. That’s my role as mother. But did my partner, my spouse need me? I couldn’t feel it anymore. We began living our lives a bit separately. He would go off with his friends, doing Merlin knows what. And I, well, I would stay home like a good mother and take care of our children.

The years passed, we had our ups and downs. The fights became less and less, but the feelings, the passion also lessened with each argument. The fire just wasn’t there anymore.

Months went before we even touched each other. My body had changed from having children, I could feel that he wasn’t attracted to me anymore. The things he did and said lately turned me off as well.

I needed more. Wanted something in my life, I knew my life was passing me by. Then, during one particular fight, he asked if I loved him anymore. If I was ‘in love’ with him anymore. I couldn’t look at him. I couldn’t bear to tell him what I was feeling. So I lied. I told him of course I loved him. Tears streaking down my face, hoping that was enough for him. I couldn’t give him anymore right now. I just didn’t… Feel.

More fights ensued throughout the years. Slowly my passion and love for him dwindled into nothing more than caring. Caring for him as a good person would care for anyone they had shared their life with. Bore their children. But nothing else.

And now, 19 years later, with the children gone and the prospect of being alone with him again, I felt I owed it to him to tell him.

‘I can’t do this anymore’ I wanted to tell him. But I was a coward. I needed him. How would I survive without him? How can I possibly afford to live on my own and take care of children without him by my side? Sure, I had a job, I made my own money, but was it enough?

And how could I ever be with another man? Sure, I imagined plenty of different men during those nights of physical need. I’d close my eyes and see someone who loved me, worshipped me, but most of all respected me. Cared about what I wanted, what I enjoyed, what made me happy. Because the man above me, well, he was now a faceless body. Not caring, just needing to act on his physical urges with the woman he’d been with for so long.

So, my heart has turned numb. Making my way through every day, fantasizing about a life I could have had. Wasting my current life wondering where I would be now had I not succumbed to the urges of my heart so long ago, when I was too young to make such grown up decisions.

***

A/N: Sadly, I used Ron & Hermione for this one, but in realty…it has nothing to do with fiction.