Tips and Tricks

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“Welcome everyone.” Hermione said. “You’re probably wondering why you’re all here.”

“Erm, yeah.” Muttered Ron. Harry, Ginny, Neville and Luna nodded in agreement. They were all seated in a circle on the floor of the Gryffindor common room. It was past midnight.

Hermione took a deep breath. “Okay. Well last year, we all fought together at the Department of Mysteries, and we were all in the DA together. So I know that you five are people I can really trust.” Again, everyone nodded their agreement. Hermione continued. “Anyhow, I needed your help with something kinda important, and I know it’s going to sound stupid, but I really hope you’ll hear me out because it’s been really bugging me.”

“If it has something to do with vampires you can borrow my garlic necklace.” Luna said helpfully.

“Um…thanks…but it’s not about vampires.” Hermione looked slightly embarrassed. “It’s about…kissing.”

Ginny suddenly seemed very interested while Luna was hardly paying attention again. The boys, on the other hand, had started to shift uncomfortably. Neville looked like he was ready to make a run for it. Hermione continued quickly. “You see, Viktor sent me an owl last week, saying he had a new girlfriend and that she was a much better kisser than me…”

“That bastard!” Muttered Ginny.

“Yeah, and so I started to worry that I was…erm…really that bad. So I thought maybe we could…um, work on my technique, and I could maybe get some feedback on how I could improve, and then come out with a ‘best practices’ approach. Kinda like how we did experiments on different remedies in potions class, but with…”

“Saliva?” Snipped Ron.

Hermione glared at him. “Fine, look, if you don’t want to do it, you can just leave. I’m not forcing anyone to stay. But I brought this.” She lifted a doll with a large head off of the armchair and carried it over to the group. “I thought I could use this to demonstrate how I would kiss.”

Harry breathed a sigh of relief and laughed out loud. “Okay, did anyone else think that she was going to kiss one of us?”

“Don’t be ridiculous Harry!” Hermione snapped. But Ginny seemed surprised.

“Look, Hermione, if you want to kiss a great ugly, bald doll, be my guest. But to perfect your technique, you’d have to kiss a person. Trust me – you’ll never get better on that piece of plastic. Besides, Ron’ll do it, won’t you Ron?”

“K-kiss Hermione?” Ron gaped. “Are you kidding me?”

“I don’t have an knarl infestation Ron!” Hermione was clearly offended.

Harry was laughing again. “Yeah Ron, you’ll do it, won’t you?” He was rather enjoying the brilliant shade of red that Ron had become.

“God no!” Ron snapped, crossing his arms. Tears stung Hermione’s eyes.

“I’ll kiss you Hermione.” Neville said timidly.

Everyone gaped at him. Neville sat up straighter. “I mean, just to help you…get better. As an objective opinion.”

“Neville, I don’t think that’s such a good idea.” Luna chimed in. “If Hermione does have a knarl infestation, you could…ow!” Ginny shut Luna up with a sharp elbow to the ribs.

Hermione ignored Luna. “Thank you Neville!” She smiled pointedly at Ron, whose eyes were wide with surprise. She crawled across the circle until she was sitting directly in front of Neville, and grinned at him shyly. Neville was not smiling back at her. He looked absolutely terrified.

“Okay, so is everyone watching?” Hermione asked in a most determined voice. “Now I’ll kiss Neville, and you’ll all tell me what looks incorrect from the outside. And then Neville, you can judge my technique from the inside.”

Neville swallowed hard. Hermione rolled her eyes. She was feeling as passionate as a wet cardboard box. “Okay, let’s just get this over with.” She groaned. In an instant, she had grabbed Neville and her mouth was on his. Everyone was staring, but no one was watching for technique. It was rather like witnessing a gruesome car crash, as Hermione sucked on poor Neville’s face. His hands were flailing madly, almost as if he couldn’t breathe and was desperately begging to be rescued. But no one wanted to approach the flaming wreckage.

Ron began to snicker, but after a few seconds, his face fell. Neville had seemed to get the hang of the kiss. He groaned and stretched out his crossed legs so that they were on either side of Hermione’s. His hands moved so that he had them splayed across her back, pulling her against him. Without ending the kiss, Hermione moved in closer, so that her knee was touching him very intimately. This went on for several minutes, until Neville fell over backwards, taking Hermione on top of him. They seemed totally oblivious to the rest of the world.

“Fucking shit!” Swore Ron, jumping to his feet.

“Jealous?” Taunted Ginny.

“NO!” He shouted, a little too fervently, his eyes glued to the passionate couple on the floor. He looked about ready to murder both Hermione and Neville. And Harry too, because he seemed to be enjoying the show with a very stupid grin on his face. Outraged, Ron drew his wand. “Aguamenti!” He shouted, sending a spray of cold water at Hermione’s head. She jumped up with a scream.

“Ronald!” She shouted.

“Sorry!” Ron snapped. “Didn’t see you there, practically fucking Longbottom!” Neville was still on the ground, staring dazedly at the ceiling.

“I don’t hear Neville complaining!” She snapped back.

“Nope.” Mumbled Neville in a most relaxed voice. Ginny stood between Hermione and Ron.

“Your kissing seems fine to me, and I think Ron agrees, don’t you Ron?”

Ron muttered something under his breath, ending with the words ‘vacuum cleaner’. Hermione lunged at him, but Ginny pushed her back.

“Harry, how do you think Hermione did?” Ginny pressed while keeping her best friend and her brother from doing each other grievous harm.

“I find myself wishing I was Neville.” Grinned Harry. Hermione beamed and Ron snarled.

“Frankly,” Luna said dreamily, “I’d like to see Hermione use her hands a little more. Kinda like this.”

Suddenly Luna approached Neville and stretched out on the floor beside him. She ran her fingers through his hair. He turned so that they were both on their sides, facing each other, and her hand ran down his back, her nails tracing a path. Neville gasped, and it was at this point that Luna’s lips brushed his. Her tongue ran along his bottom lip, as her hand slid around his bottom, giving it a healthy squeeze. At this point, Neville got really enthusiastic, raising a leg around hers, and pressing his erection against her shamelessly.

“Not again!” Groaned Ron.

“Way to go Neville…” Breathed Harry, a look of utter awe on his face.

“Wow, she’s good.” Murmured Hermione. “I think I need to take notes.”

“Yeah.” Admired Ginny, tilting her head to better watch the writhing, snogging couple on the carpet. “I like the way she’s got her legs right in there. I wonder if she’s double-jointed?” Then she gasped. “Oh my god, he’s going up her shirt…”

Sure enough, Neville’s hand had found it’s way under Luna’s sweater, and was now eagerly exploring the uncharted territory. Luna moaned and gasped and arched towards him as the intensity escalated. It seemed to everyone watching that this might actually go all the way. Then, as if some imaginary timer had buzzed, Luna abruptly sat up, leaving Neville’s hand cupping nothing but air. She straightened her shirt.

“So, how was that?” She asked as nonchalantly as one would ask about the weather.

Neville rolled over onto his stomach and banged his head on the floor.

“That was really good Luna!” Hermione said. “I liked the scratching part. Guess I should grow my nails afterall.”

“Yeah, you should.” Said Ron stupidly.

“Shut up Ron.” Harry said. He was looking at Luna with newfound respect.

“You know Hermione, I don’t think anyone’s shown you… the trick.” Ginny said.

“What trick?” Asked Harry, Ron, Hermione and Luna simultaneously.

Ginny bit her lip. “Well, its more of a visual…” Her eyes darted to Neville, who was still sprawled on the floor. A puddle of drool had gathered under his chin. “Here, I’ll show you.”

“Ginny don’t you DARE!” Warned Ron, as Ginny approached Neville. “I’ll tell mom!”

She turned angrily. “Then I’ll tell mom that you kissed Neville too!”

Ron and Harry cringed.

Ginny was obviously pleased at the effect of her words. She flounced over to Neville and offered him her hand. He followed willingly, and let her lead him to a bare patch of stone wall. She moved him so that his back was against it, and then ran a hand down his chest, very slowly. Neville’s eyes rolled back in his head. Her hand came to rest on the waistband of his trousers. With the softest touch, her fingers ran from hip to hip, a mere inch inside the fabric of his trousers, as if deciding whether or not they would seek entrance. In mere seconds, Neville was panting rather loudly.

“That’s the trick.” Whispered Ginny seductively. “Will I touch it, or won’t I?”

Ron turned away and buried his face in his hands, horrified. He was sure Ginny had made up her mind when he heard Neville gasp very loudly.

Harry fell backwards into an armchair, his mouth agape. He was torn between two very forbidden feelings: arousal and jealousy.

Hermione watched avidly from across the room, as if trying to remember this technique for later.

Luna moved in closer to get a better view of the action, simply because it was so intriguing.

“Do you like that?” Ginny breathed, her hand now down Neville’s trousers, and her mouth moving in to kiss him. Neville did not reply but groaned very deeply. His tongue plunged into her mouth, and her hand was moving sensuously over his very obvious arousal. “You feel very, very good.” She breathed on his lips, before drawing him into another heart stopping kiss. “Mmm, you’re making me want to fuck you Neville…” She breathed darkly.

“That’s it! I’m leaving!” Shouted Ron.

“Me too!” Snarled Harry.

“Ron! Harry!” Ginny spun around, her face and lips very flushed. “We’re just fooling around! Aren’t we Neville?”

Neville’s eyes were half-closed. He grinned and nodded dreamily. “Yeah…what she said.” He muttered.

“Well I can see that I’m not going to learn anything if you two are going to be prudes about this!” Hermione snapped.

“Oh it seems to me you know plenty on your own!” Ron said.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Shouted Hermione.

“And you!” Added Harry, glaring at Ginny. “What the heck was that, anyways? Did you really have to-”

“Do what?” Argued Ginny. “What am I not allowed to do, in your opinion?”

“You know,” piped in Luna, oblivious to the arguing, “this was a lot of fun. Maybe we should do it again tomorrow night.”

She smiled and took a stunned Neville by the hand and led him out of Griffindor tower, shutting the portrait on the all the shouting behind them.

**

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Kindly review?