Angel Dark

The following takes place (in my imagination) just after Christmas during HBP

**

Remus woke with a start from his restless sleep. Someone had just opened the front door downstairs. His hand instinctively reached out for the night table and curled around his wand. The grimy window in his bedroom at Grimmauld Place showed no hint of dawn or moon, and his eyes squinted on the clock: it was just after two a.m. He waited, tense, knowing that hearing someone in the old, empty house at such an hour was not likely a good thing. The stairs creaked, as someone ascended them.

The hallway light came on, and a shadow, visible in the sliver of light near the floor, paused before his door. Remus raised his wand, ready. The knob turned, and door opened with a creak, silhouetting a figure that he recognized instantly, but had not expected.

At that moment, a Death Eater hell-bent on murder would have been a preferable visitor.

“How long have you been back?” Tonks asked flatly.

Remus lowered his wand. “Two days.” He replied. “Just got away for Christmas.”

“And when are you leaving?” She pressed in the same dull tone.

“At dawn.”

There was a long, uncomfortable silence. When Tonks spoke, her voice was cold. “So you mean to tell me that you weren’t even going to let me know you were back?”

“No, I wasn't.” He replied honestly. He knew it sounded harsh, but he needed to make his position clear.

“And to think, I was worried sick about you all this time.”

“I never told you to worry about me, Nymphadora.” Remus replied evenly.

“You’re a mean son-of-a-bitch, you know that?” She said, her chilled façade crumbling. He did not reply, but sat in bed, deathly still, praying that she would leave before he lost his resolve. It was better this way. Better that she hated him. Better that she didn’t know that he couldn't live without her.

But to his dismay, she took two steps into the room, apparently ready for a fight. “How DARE you, Remus? After everything we’ve been through, you didn’t even have the decency to let me know you were alive? I’ve been up at night thinking about you, living among those monsters, never knowing if you have enough to eat, a place to sleep, if you’ve been mistreated or killed! And there you are, having a good laugh at me while I have to find out through Molly Weasley that you’re just a couple blocks away!”

“I’m not laughing.” He said softly. He knew she was hurt - he could see it in her defensive stance, hear it in the shakiness of her voice, but he forced himself to remain cool. You're a bastard, Remus, he told himself. But it was far better to make the break fast and brutal than slow and painful. He had his reasons why they couldn't be together, and even though she might not agree, his mind was set. He knew better than anyone that he could never give her the future she deserved. He was an outcast, aged beyond his years, and more dangerous than she could ever understand. If he ever hurt her physically because of his curse, he would die. “I didn’t tell you I was back because I..." he cringed inwardly at the harshness of what he was about to say, "I didn't want to see you."

“Thanks for that! That makes me feel loads better!” She turned as if about to leave, but suddenly she lashed out, sweeping the lamp and a stack of books from the dresser and sending it all crashing to the floor. “You’re a fucking asshole and a coward Remus Lupin!” She screamed. “You’re a liar, and a jerk and a heartless animal, just like the rest of them!” Remus was instantly on his feet, but it didn't stop her shouting. “I hope you enjoy your fucking miserable life! You deserve it!”

In three steps, Remus was inches from her, his entire body shaking with rage. A heartless animal…just like the rest of them? After living among feral werewolves as a spy for more than three months, it was the worst thing she could have said to him. They were filthy, perverse creatures, and he was disgusted by them. He had taken their abuse, teetered on the edge of their madness, and desperately fought to keep his humanity intact, day after day. His anger at Tonks’ words was so powerful that for the first time in his life, he had to will his hands not to strike out at her, and command his mind not to imagine throttling her.

“Get out.” He said, his voice hoarse. “Get. Out.”

She was not listening to his words, but was staring agape at his bare chest. Now standing in the light cast from the hallway, she could see the toll that living among the werewolves had taken. Fresh, red scars crisscrossed his torso, and on his shoulder, near the nape of his neck, was a shiny, white valley of freshly grown skin. It was outlined by what looked like teeth marks.

“Is that a bite?” She whispered, horrified.

“I told you to leave.” He breathed.

“Oh Remus.” She said, reaching out towards the large scar.

“Don’t.” He hissed, pushing her hand away.

“My God, I had no idea.” She said, her lip trembling. “I’m so… sorry they did this to you.”

“Well like you said, I deserve it.” He snapped, hating himself for the look on her face. Hating himself for wanting her to touch him, for wanting her to make things better. He was alone in this, and he would always be. Better that she didn’t get involved any further with him. Better that she never understood the darkness within, the darkness he fought harder and harder to escape every day. He needed her to just go away. But instead, she raised her hands gingerly to cup his face. Without thinking, he lashed out, grabbing her wrists and wrenching them away.

“Don’t touch me.” He said.

“But I want to.” She pleaded, struggling against his fierce grip. “I need to. Remus, I love you.”

“Stop it!” He held her arms down harder, as she wrestled against his grip, trying to lay her hands on him. He couldn’t bear it, how easily she looked into him and saw his soul. By loving him, she was hurting herself. He was enraged that she offered him all he had ever wanted, when he knew he dare not reach for it. His heart and his mind and his body were at odds as she tempted him maddeningly with a life he could never have.

“Remus! Stop pushing me away!" She cried out, and suddenly he was out of control. All the frustration, all the rage and pain and anger that had built up over the last few months came to a head, blinding him. His mouth came down brutally on hers, crushing her lips in an angry kiss. He did not release her wrists as he kissed her, and he felt her stagger as her knees went weak. He quickly stepped forwards, pushing her back against the wall and holding her there with his entire body.

What am I doing? A small voice cried out, as he continued to crush her lips and taste her tongue mercilessly. But he couldn’t stop, he didn’t want to stop. It had been so long since anyone cared if he was alive or dead. In the name of survival, he had forced himself to become numb. Now that his feelings were being released again, they were out of control. They were not good feelings. They were terrible feelings. And as he held down her hands and pinned her to the wall, he knew he was a horrible person to use her this way, but he could not stop. He convinced himself that this could be considered nothing more than lust, as long as he didn't accept her love or offer her any in return. And he would not let her touch him the way that she always did, for then it would tear him in two.

He would not let her caress touch his horror-filled soul.

Tonks gasped for air when he tore his mouth away from hers. Love me now, he thought savagely, expecting her to shove him, to hate him for his brutality. But he was surprised to see that there were no tears in her eyes. Instead there was a challenge.

“Is that the best you can do?” She gasped, her chest heaving.

Instinctively, his body responded, and he turned her around and pushed her back towards the bed. He pinned her hands in his above her head, and crushed her beneath his body. With one hand, he reached between them and jerked open the button of her jeans. He pulled open the zipper and grabbed the waistband and her panties in his fist, pulling them down as she squirmed to assist. He kicked back with a vicious foot, and the clothes were free of her ankles. His palm ran brutally up her thigh, over her naked hip and up to her sweater, which he pushed all the way up around her neck. She tried to free her hands to get the sweater off, but he grunted angrily pushed her violently back against the bed.

“Ah!” she cried out in surprise, and his mouth was again on hers, cutting off all sound.

His palm came down, crushing her breast beneath her thin white bra. She squirmed beneath him, at once enthralled and frightened by his furor. When he ruthlessly kneaded her other breast, she moaned and her bare leg slid against his clothed erection. He groaned hungrily. He began to remove his boxers, while maintaining the fierce grip on her hands. Once again she struggled to assist, and once again she was met with more pressure as he held her down and shook her.

“No!” He growled. She stopped fighting.

With great urgency, he managed to escape his boxers, and suddenly he was back on top of her, his full weight crushing her. He pressed his arousal against her aggressively, demanding entrance, and Tonks permitted it. She tilted her hips, and drew up her knees, and suddenly he was sheathed deep inside of her. She cried out with a sound of mingled sensation and shock as she took his full length and considerable width at full force. Without giving her a chance to catch her breath, Remus pulled away and thrust in again, his entire body overcome with carnal lust, his most sensitive skin ablaze because of her fiery, willing body.

As he pushed into her, again and again, he was at once angry, and frightened and horrified by his own brutality. But his desperate need to have this woman, to be released inside of her, moved him like a man possessed. Tonks cried out beneath him, unsure of what was pleasure and what was pain. All she knew was that she was drowning in the rush of pure need that Remus pulsed, and her own need was drowning her in response. She desperately twisted beneath him, struggling against his iron grip on her wrists, her body’s arousal raging the more he pressed his fingers into her delicate flesh.

Confusion broke loose as neither of them could reign in the passion that they had created. When Tonks thought she could no longer take the onslaught of his thrusts, they came faster. When Remus could no longer handle her passionate cries, she cried out louder. He was on the brink for a long time, knowing that he needed release, but holding off desperately. He knew that to give himself utterly to her would mean either glorious heaven, or the fires of hell, and he was fearful. He squeezed his eyes shut tightly, bracing himself for the terrible unknown.

“Come for me.” She whispered darkly.

Suddenly, his very soul lurched and he cried out frantically as the most powerful climax he had ever felt in his life was torn from him. His voice shook the room, echoing off the walls and resounding in Tonks’ ears. “Nymphadora!” He cried out, lost in the rush of extreme pleasure, and unendurable sensation. His head, which had fallen back and screamed heavenward, now tilted forward as he gasped for breath, his hair in his face, his entire body heaving and slick with sweat. Tonks shivered at the power of what she was witnessing. This was Remus at his most primal - she knew it with every inch of her body and with every beat of her racing heart. Eventually the shudders of his orgasm died down and the pulsing of his erection subsided, and he lay propped over her, frozen.

And, when the madness passed, there was a moment of complete and utter silence. A moment when everything was piercingly clear. And Tonks was absolutely still, waiting. She had a feeling that something more powerful than any physical climax was coming - she could hear it in his breath, feel it in his skin, see it in the way he hung his head over her. All of his resolve was gone.

He was a man, utterly defeated.

And with a ragged gasp, she heard his heart break. His head collapsed against her chest, and he began to weep like it was the end of the world. The emotional release overwhelmed him, great wracking sobs shook him, and Tonks freed her hands from his slackened grip and wrapped them around her lover.

“It’s okay, Remus. Let it out.” She whispered, holding him to her like a wounded little boy. This was what he really needed, she thought. No man should be as alone as Remus Lupin tries to be.

He didn't look up at her, but spoke against her soft skin, his words a damp tangle of tears and hot breath. “I love you. I love you so much it’s killing me…” He sobbed. “You shouldn't be a part of this…but I can't do it anymore Nymphadora...I can't..."

“Shhh...” She said, wanting to hold him, to comfort him, to sweep away the demons inside of him. Nothing else mattered. “You don’t have to do anything right now." She swept his hair away from his face. "Just let me hold you, and sleep.” Tonks shifted herself so that his weight was mostly off of her, and held him, long past the time when his desperate cries had turned to small sniffles, and beyond when his breathing became steady and calm.

And for the first time in many months, Remus slept dreamlessly.

**

Before Tonks opened her eyes, she knew he was gone. She just knew. She sat up gingerly, her body sore and aching from the night's brutal intimacy. On Remus' pillow was a neatly folded piece of parchment. She noted the bruises on her wrists as she reached for it.


Dearest Nymphadora,

I am sorry I hurt you. Last night was proof of what I have been trying to tell you all along. That if you committed yourself to me, I would demand far too much of you, more than you should ever have to give.

I will not wilt you with my needs.

Please believe that I will be happier if you were to build a relationship with someone who can give you the life you deserve, someone who would not hinder you or rob you of your youth, your beauty or your spirit.

I thank you for the much-needed rest and the generous love you have shown me - I scarcely deserve it. I beg your forgiveness for my behaviour last night, and I pray that when my mission is complete, I will see you again and we will be, as ever, good friends.

Love, Remus.


Tonks crumpled the note threw it angrily across the room.

And somewhere, far, far away, Remus Lupin knew that the woman he loved was crying.


**


AUTHOR'S NOTE: Kindly review. Thanks!