Halfway

TITLE: Half Way
AUTHOR: Ravenkiss
STATUS/PART: Part 1/1
EMAIL: Ravenkiss2000@yahoo.com
RATING: PG-13
PAIRING: None
SPOILERS: a bit of GOF
WARNINGS: Violence referred to, thoughts of suicide, Angst alert.
DISCLAIMER: Reading and enjoying innocent fan fiction good, lawsuits bad. Meaning, they ain’t mine, no money changed hands.
SUMMARY: Severus Snape has a choice to make.
AUTHOR\'S NOTES: Just a strange interlude for anyone who ever wondered why Severus returned to the light. This is just a weird little stand alone story.

(This is one of my more mild stories: Contains only some mild violence)

Alone and dejected the wraith like figure slunk across the long expanse of the old iron bridge. It was a freezing cold night, as snow covered the old rusted bridge giving it a blurry, almost surreal quality in the dim light of the two ancient lampposts that stood on either side at the midpoint of the bridge.

For a while now the snow had been slowing, eventually changing into a cold drizzle of sleet.

A fierce northerly wind whipped at the long wet jet-black hair, that looked as if it had been hastily tied by a leather thong that hung down the lean figure\'s back. Though most of it had come out and was a tangled inky mess.

His clothes were also black, or would have been had they not acquired a fine covering of melting snow and sleet turning much of the black cloth to appear almost gray.

He was inadequately dressed for the weather. The shirt and pants were made of material much too thin for protection from the elements. His old black shoes were torn and wet. But he did not seem to notice any of this as he trudged on.

When he came to the mid-point of the bridge the tall gaunt man suddenly stopped for no readily apparent reason. He glanced about him at the lampposts and blinked as if he had just awoken from a sound sleep and had no idea where he might be.

He looked first in the direction he was heading, and then back in the direction he had come. Both ends of the bridge looked the same, black, foreboding tunnels that lead to oblivion.

\"Caught in the middle, with nothing but blackness either way I go.\" Noted a deep, somewhat sardonic voice from the pale, thin lips of a man perhaps twenty, though there was something about him that made him seem much older. He had a hawkish nose that looked as if it might have been broken at least once and deep piercing black eyes. They had no real distinction between the pupil and the iris.

\"Quite the accurate metaphor for my existence. No matter which way I turn, there is nothing but darkness. Gods how I detest metaphors!\" He snarled angrily at no one and nothing in particular.

But suddenly he realized that it was not dark everywhere. He walked over to stand below that right hand lamppost, and found himself looking out over the dark semi-frozen water. White caps rose and fell bellow like fairies dancing on the water.

\"Drowning is supposed to be relatively painless.\" He said matter of factly to himself. \"Like going to sleep, or so I am told.\" Ignoring his nearly numb hands and feet, with the inborn grace of a cat he leapt up and grabbed the railing, and climbed nimble to the top, and held onto the lamppost leaning out for a better look.

For a long time he simply looked out at the wind whirled water wondering if this really would be a painless death. It would most assuredly be quick, even if he tried to swim he would only last a few minutes in the freezing water.

A quick relatively painless death, it was more then he deserved.

More then she got.

He flinched at the thought. At the reason he was standing on an old bridge in the middle of nowhere in the dead of winter about to end his life.

A little girl. Such a pretty thing she had been, with deep blue eyes and long flaxen hair. The type of girl that the boys would one day look at and sigh, wondering if somehow they might be the one to be favored with her sweet smile.

She had been about eleven, twelve at the most.

A muggle child, which meant she was impure, diseased, a blight upon the world. That is what Lord Voldemort said.

Severus Snape had not known there would be a child involved when he was sent on the raid. Not that it should have made any difference to a Death Eater. Voldemort had ordered him to go with the raiding party. So he went with the raiding party. Simple task, they were to kill some muggles.

He had gone along, though he hung back as the others used knives and clubs to kill the hapless man and woman they had found in the house, not even bothering with a curse. No one noticed his lack of participation. They were too busy having fun.

The first killings, that part had not sickened him, not really. After all, he had killed before himself, once. An Auror, one of three that had blundered on a small raiding party a few weeks ago, but that had been in the heat of battle, he had been fighting for his life.

Cold-blooded murder was something different.

It was not like he hated muggles or \'mud bloods\' as many who came to Voldemort\'s banner did. He had no feelings about muggles one way or the other. Severus had walked into the Dark Lord\'s embrace because he had been in pain.

He never wanted to be vulnerable again. In an abstract way it could be said that he had wanted power, but in reality all he had wanted was to be accepted, protected, or was that loved?

It did not really matter in the end, it all amounted to the same thing.

After the incident at the Screaming Shack he had felt betrayed by Dumbledore and all of the teachers. Black and Potter had tried to kill him, and he had been the one punished!

Potter may have chickened out at the last minute, but he did it to save himself, not Severus. Black had dutifully said that he was sorry, through gritted teeth. He had no doubt that Black would not have shed any tears if he had died.

But it was Dumbledore that had looked at him with such disappointment. Then they had the nerve to tell him to keep quiet. Severus Snape almost being torn to shreds, or worse turned into a werewolf himself, that was obviously of no concern to anyone, but they certainly did not want Lupin upset!

That was what had driven him into Voldemort\'s waiting arms. The dark wizard had made so many promises. Had told him that he was wanted, needed, important, that his life was worth something to someone.

Sadly, he had bought that load of dung, hook line and sinker.

\"Feeling sorry for yourself, Severus Snap? You do not have the right. Selfish git.\" He snarled at himself bitterly as his mind went back to the girl.

The raid had been going perfectly as defined by their master. Blood and body parts everywhere. House on the way to being in ruins.

The job was done.

Unfortunately just as they were ready to go Snape heard a noise behind him. Without thinking he turned and threw opened the closet door, wand at the ready. At first he thought it was empty, until he saw her, cowering in the corner, half-hidden behind a man\'s large black overcoat. Those beautiful eyes had stared at him with fear. They had almost screamed in his mind, \'Please close the door, let me live!\'

All she saw before her was a tall figure in a black robe, white skull like Death Eater mask and a pair of black eyes. But she looked straight into those black eyes, gods it hurt to remember.

To his own amazement he had actually started to close the door when someone pushed him roughly aside, slamming him into the wall. \"Hey, look what we got here!\" He heard someone laugh, as one of his fellow Death Eaters dragged the helpless girl kicking and screaming from her sanctuary. \"If you don\'t want to play, get out of the way!\" The mask muffled voice had snarled.

The others quickly circled around her, tearing at her pink nightgown, slashing at her arms and legs with knives.

To his eternal shame Severus Snape could only watch as they killed her.

Soon the others had gone, not wanting to be there when the muggle police finally came. But Severus Snape could not leave. He took off his mask and robes and sat down beside the girl in the shadow of the Dark Mark in the sky. Her eyes had been open, mouth drawn back in a silent scream.

Gently he had closed the sightless eyes and lay his robes over her bloody, violated body. The tears had come then, and he knew that he could not go back to Voldemort. He thought about waiting for the muggle police, but quickly thought better of it. They would probably just put him in a mental hospital, or jail. Voldemort would never allow him to stand trial. The Death Eaters would come and drag him back to his Lord for punishment.

Voldemort was very inventive with his punishments.

That was when he just stood up and began to walk in the opposite direction. He had no plan, he had simply begun walking. He had walked, stopping in the nearest ally or wooded place to sleep only when he could not take another step. That had been, he thought, several days ago.

How many he was not sure, long cold days and nights without food or water and precious little rest. Was that why the cold churning water had seemed so oddly inviting? It called to him in a mournful voice. \'Come home to me... Come home to me..\"

\"You can see the water just as well from down here you know?\" An unmistakable voice noted from behind him, breaking the spell of the river. \"Why not come over and talk a moment?\" It asked brightly.

\"I am a little busy just now Headmaster.\" He answered without turning.

\"Oh? Would you like a lemon drop?\" Dumbledore inquired in his usual bright cheery tone.

For what seemed an eternity there was only stunned silence. Then with a deep intake of breath, the voice that would one day cause first year students at Hogwarts to wet themselves snarled. \"If you will forgive me headmaster, as you can see, I am about to commit suicide. I am a little beyond the point where lemon drops or any other sweets will make things all better!\"

\"Really, Severus? You should think twice about such a course my boy. That water looks so very black, cold, empty.\" Dumbledore noted absently.

\"Then I should feel right at home.\" Snape informed him bitterly.

\"Why not come down for a moment, Severus, hear what I have to say? When I am done, if you truly wish to jump into that horribly cold water, the river will still be there.\"

\"What do you mean if I truly wish to jump? Of course I wish to jump! Why do you think I am standing on this bloody cold bridge railing in the middle of the night?\"

\"Then why are you talking to me?\"

Snape froze. Good question, why was he talking instead of jumping?

\"Please come down, you are giving me a stiff neck looking up at you. Besides, since you turned fifteen you have been quite tall enough.\" There was a short pause. \"Oh, I almost forgot, I have a little peanut butter fudge, if you would like some?\"

Snape\'s long legs were sliding back down off of the railing. His face flushed, he was feeling a little embarrassed since he had actually begun moving before he realized it. \'Oh well, no reason to die with an empty stomach.\' He thought as he walked over to his old headmaster tentatively. Though something that sweet would probably make him sick, since he planed to be dead in a few minutes it really did not matter, did it?

The older wizard smiled. He looked the same as he had three years before. With the funny half moon glasses and waist length silver hair and beard. He wore a very brightly colored blue robe with gold crescent moons, pointed black shoes and a slightly crumpled looking matching blue and gold hat. He was also, Snape noted, completely dry.

Dumbledore was using a simple charm to keep off the damp, wet, very cold sleet. Snape had not, so he looked something like a lanky shivering, half-drowned cat. \"You have some fudge, Headmaster?\" He asked a little shyly through chattering teeth.

\"I have not been your Headmaster for a few years Severus, you may call me Albus.\" Trust the old man to remember his favorite sweet.

With a smile Dumbledore produced a little bundle of cellophane and handed it to his former pupil. Who took it, though his hands were shaking so badly he almost could not open the twist tie. With a little work he eventually unwrapped the little bundle and was rewarded with the sight of what amounted to a small lump of light brown colored sugar. Hands still trembling he took a small bite and closed his black eyes as it dissolved spreading the peanut butter flavor slowly through his mouth.

\"It seems a hundred years ago.\" He whispered sadly. \"That a bite of this could seem to make any problem go away, or a least not quite so bad.\" He sniffled a little, his throat tight. This was insane. Snape knew that he had been responsible for the death of a child, and here he was getting misty eyed over some candy!

\"It is not too late to come back Severus.\" Dumbledore said suddenly.

\"No, Head...Albus, it is far too late for me.\" Snape swallowed the last of the fudge with a twinge of regret.

\"No, it is not.\" The old man\'s bright blue eyes sparkled as they fixed on him. \"You are standing half way between Severus. You have a choice to make. One way lies only pain and eventually something far worse then physical death,\" He raised his left hand, indicating the way Snape had come. \"The other way leads to redemption.\" This time he raised his right hand, indicating the road ahead.

\"Both look equally dark.\" Snape noted almost to himself.

\"As I said, you stand between, but only one of them will allow you to look yourself in the eye.\"

\"Which road is the right one? How will I know?\" The voice was small, uncertain.

\"I can show you the way.\" Dumbledore assured with a confidence that made his former pupil\'s black eyes show a hint of something other then bleak despair.

But slowly he bowed his head and said softly. \"I cannot Headmaster.\" He did not realize that he had slipped and called the older wizard by his title. \"There is no choice but the other road.\" He indicated the river. \"We both know that there is only one way to leave the Dark Lord\'s service.\"

\"Death would not be the end of your pain Severus.\" His eyes did not twinkle, his expressive face held no smile, for one of the few times in his life Albus Dumbledore was deadly serious. \"Even that will not free you. To die like this, with so much guilt, so much left unfinished. You would end up as a ghost. A grim specter that would walk this bridge, then jump into the icy water, night after night for all eternity. You cannot leave this life yet Severus.\"

\"But, w-what can I do?\" Snape whispered, his bottom lip trembling. He felt dizzy and sick, and so tired.

All he wanted was an end to the pain.

Every emotion that he had buried for so long assaulted him at once. Fear, anger, and a good dose of self-loathing attacked him from all sides. He slowly dropped to his knees in a frozen slush puddle. Though he was so cold he could not even feel it. \"I belong to him.\" His right arm clutched at the left, forcing up his sleeve to revel a tattoo of a black skull with a silver snake emerging from the mouth like a tongue. He held up his arm for the older wizard to see. \"I bear the Dark Mark. It is too late to save me. You do not know the horrible things I have done!\"

\"I know what you have not done.\" The old wizard said softly.

\"I did not kill that girl, or her parents, but I did nothing to stop it.\"

\"But you can prevent others from meeting their fate. You should be searching for redemption, not death.\"

\"To be redeemed, you need a soul. I have none.\" The younger wizard said softly.

\"You have a soul, one that is your own Severus, else you would not care.\" The old wizard tipped up his chin, the touch was so warm. Hoping against hope, Snape looked up at his old Headmaster, looking to Dumbledore, feeling very much like the small frail boy who had come stumbling into Hogwarts, desperate to learn everything that there was to know almost eleven years ago.

\"What I ask of you in return for your redemption will not be easy. I need for you to return to Voldemort, as my agent. We have never been able to infiltrate the Death Eaters before, he always discovered and killed anyone that we sent. But you are already in his confidence. You will learn all that you can and report back to me. But I must tell you one thing Severus. In this dangerous enterprise I cannot protect you. One slip and Voldemort will kill you as a traitor, or the Aurors could kill you as one of his minions. I cannot trust anyone at the Ministry to keep this secret, so no one but I can know what you are doing.\"

\"No one but you? Snape said softly. \"And if you win this war, and a reckoning is demanded for this?\" He held out his arm with the Death Mark. \"When the Aurors come for me,\" \'When, not if\' noted Dumbledore. \"What will you do?\"

\"Everything that I can. I cannot promise to save you from Azkaban.\" Dumbledore looked very grave as his eyes fixed the younger man\'s in a frighteningly intense gaze. \"I cannot offer absolution Severus. There will still be a price to pay for the choices that you have made. What that price may be, as yet I cannot say.\"

For a moment the two wizards just looked at one another. The one radiating confidence, the other all but lost.

Then, Dumbledore smiled slightly, brushing a few stray hairs from the young man\'s black eyes. \"You believed Voldemort\'s false promises, and it made a grave in that icy river look good to you. What do you have to lose, that you were not about to throw away? I will not promise anything that I cannot give. If the Aurors come for you I will stand by you.\"

Suddenly the old man smiled gently, his voice cheerful. \"And, you can have as much fudge as you like.\"

Blinking from the cold and sleet, Severus looked up at his old headmaster with a slight gasp. \"You are asking me to turn informant on the most powerful dark wizard of the age, to very probably die slowly and painfully at his hand, end up in Azkaban, and be given the Dementor\'s kiss? And all that you can truly promise me is peanut butter fudge?\"

\"Yes.\" Dumbledore held out his had invitingly.

The younger man managed a slight shrug. \"That is the best offer I have had in almost three years.\" Severus Snape accepted the hand and was lifted easily to his feet. Blinking he realized that he was dry, and warm! Dumbledore had done it without a wand or word. \'How melodramatic.\' Snape thought. \'He could have extended the spell any time. An object lesson?\'

\"Let\'s apparate to Hogswarts, the elves will have some food prepared, and if I am not mistaken, a fresh batch of fudge.\" Dumbledore took a few steps from the side of the bridge.

The further away he got, the colder Snape became, he wrapped his arms around his body as the sleet began to strike him again, and everything around him began to look darker. It would seem that his only hope for light and warmth was with Dumbledore.

But then, he knew that already.

\"Come Severus.\" With a last look at the river, Snape sighed. He recalled something he had once read about where damned souls went, that in the middle ages it was said to be a place of bone chilling cold.

That would be his luck.

Turning from the now very uninviting river, he trotted after the retreating figure of Dumbledore. \"Sir, I know that I have no right to ask for anything more...\"

The older man looked at him with those sparkling blue eyes and placed his hand gently on the other\'s shoulder. \"Tush my boy, you can have some hot chocolate too.\"

Suddenly with a loud popping noise, the pair vanished as if they had never been.


End