Lying Low at Lupin\'s

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Lying Low at Lupin’s

His amber eyes, though exhausted as usual, light upon seeing me on his doorstep.

“Sirius.” It’s a question and a statement at once.

“Dumbledore sent me.” I murmur as way of explanation.

He nods, not smiling exactly. “Yes. I know.”

“You got my owl, then?” I inquire, feeling silly for still standing outside while he regards me from the other side of the threshold.

“Uh. Well…I suppose you could say that. It did, however, nearly decapitate itself in the process. I don’t sometimes know where you find these owls…”

Smirking, I regard him. “Don’t ask.”

“Yes. Perhaps it’d be better if I didn’t.”

After a pause, I chuckle softly.

“Uh, Remus, old friend, I hate to trouble you, but…”

His face breaks into an embarrassed smile then as he drags me inside. “Merlin, where is my head? Of course, come inside.”

His home is modest, to say the least, but its warm and cozy. I’ve never been here, but it feels very inviting, and when I turn to face him again, the heat is still coloring his face.

“I don’t mean to impose, but…”

“Nonsense,” He says, dismissing my words with a wave of his hand. “We’re like brothers. My home is yours.”

I nod, gratefully and follow him to a small sitting room where there is a fire burning in the fireplace.

“You look well.” He says not looking at me but arranging things on a bookshelf, almost absently.

I snort. “You don’t have to lie to me.”

His eyes meet mine, and I suddenly feel self-conscious of the filthy worn clothes I’m wearing and the scruffy beard, very like the mane of my animagus form. My hair has gotten longer since last I saw him, but it’s matted and unkempt. Remus looks tired and rather tatty, but he is clean and his coloring is better than when last I saw him, even less pale than normal. The full moon must be far off. I haven’t had much reason to care…until now.

“Are you hungry?” He asks. “There’s stew and bread. Pumpkin juice, if you want it. There may even be a butterbeer or two hiding in there.”

His words make my stomach contract and release with need, but I smile jovially and pat his shoulder.

“Would you mind terribly if I took a bath?”

Again, his amber eyes dance, and I have a sudden image in my head, of this same man as a twelve year old Gryffindor. His pale hair resting lightly against his porcelain skin, his eyes sparkling with goodness and flowing like liquid gold. How deep were his thoughts, even then, even as a boy.

“Voldemort has returned.” It isn’t a question, but his gaze is on mine, searching for the truth.

I nod, once, barely. The more I stand here, the more I wish to be clean, and I don’t want to get into a discussion about the evil wizard who’s Hell bent on destroying our world as we know it. I’d rather soak in a hot tub of water and clear my mind.

“What does Dumbledore propose to do?” he asks in a whisper.

Giving him another fraternal pat on the shoulder, I grin wearily. “After the bath, Remus, Hm?”

I don’t give him a chance to protest, instead leaving him where he stands to find my way around until I come to the bathroom, shedding my clothes the moment I step onto the tiled floor before filling the tub with unbearably hot water.

Thank goodness for such a large tub too, because when it’s filled, I shut off the water and submerge myself in its cleansing heat. Merlin, that feels good. I can almost see dirt rising off my skin and reaching for a bar of soap, I start to scrub myself, to wash away the filth as well as the events of the past few days. The death of Cedric Diggory, the near death of my Godson, the return of Voldemort, and Fudge’s reaction to it all, I just wish I could erase it – Snape’s ugly face included, great Hawk nosed, git. Letting myself drift, I push it all out of my thoughts while the water caresses me clean.

“You alright in there?” some time later, the voice startles me, and I splash a bit of water on the floor with a start. Remus is in the hallway, and the door is ajar. The water has gone a bit cool, and I have to laugh at my own absurdity.

“Yeah. Sorry. I’m just finishing up, in fact.”
He pauses before replying. “Well, there’s a towel on the doorknob. I trust you can spell your own clothes clean.”
“Git.” I mutter playfully.
“Troll.” He mumbles back as I smile and let out the water.

Moments later, I stumble into the sitting room with the towel around my waist and my dirty clothes tucked under one arm. Remus glances up from a book and his eyes travel lazily over my tattooed chest before he speaks.
“You need food.”
Shaking my hair, I grumble. “No. What I need is firewhiskey. Shouldn’t get used to filling my stomach just yet…”
I turn and notice he’s standing while his eyes are still traversing my skin. “You’re practically emaciated, Sirius. I’ll curse you if I have to, but you’re going to eat. Something, at least.”
“Yes, mum.” I tease as I search for my wand.
“Haven’t cleaned those clothes yet?” He inquires from the small area that serves as a kitchenette. “You forget the charm?”
I snort. “No. I forgot my wand…someplace…”
“Check the bathroom.” He calls from inside the small fridge.
“Yes, Dear,” I reply, going to check. And sure enough, there it is, right beside the bathtub. I hadn’t remembered how useful Remus was until now. I guess I’d forgotten – or I didn’t want to think about it.
When I return, there is a small bowl waiting for me on the table, heat rising up into the air, a small amount of bread next to it and pumpkin juice. My eyes meet his.
“Am I eating alone?”
He nods. “Yes. You eat and I’ll ask questions and you can answer when you get a chance.”
“Shall I get dressed?” I feel idiotic for asking, but it’s too late. His cheeks have already begun to pink.
He shrugs and turns his back to mask his discomfort. “Whatever you wish, my friend.”

Never one for modesty, I tug the towel off right there, carefully avoiding his gaze, and mutter the cleansing charm on my slacks first before pulling them on. I feel him watching me, but I ignore it. Nevermind the gooseflesh rising along my skin or the tingling low in my belly. It’s all due to stress, no doubt. The thing about Remus and I is that we were always very close – almost as close as James and me. We had a different sort of bond. It was never pure mischief making when it came to Remus. It was rather the sort of friendship where we could talk – just talk, about anything. We weren’t always competing or trying to make fools of the other kids or marveling in our popularity. Instead, I could go to him when I wanted a different sort of companionship, a quiet comfortable camaraderie.
“I missed you, Remus.” I tell him in a quiet voice and watch as his he pretends not to hear me.

As I settle down to eat, he speaks in his soft yet direct voice.
“When did you hear that Voldemort had returned?”
After taking a bite of the stew and chewing, I turn and regard him. “Had you heard anything about the Triwizard Tournament?”
When he shakes his head, I take another several bites of food, down the pumpkin juice and start from the beginning, not leaving anything out. The projection of the Dark Mark at the Quidditch World Cup, Barty Crouch and the Polyjuice Potion, Alastor Moody locked in the trunk, Snape’s Veritiserum, the demise of Cedric Diggory by Voldemort’s hand and ending with Harry’s ordeal in the Maze and when I had to shake Snape’s hand.
Remus looks visibly shaken when I finish and I go sit next to him on the couch.
“Its fine, Remus.” I tell him in a soothing voice. “We’re to wait here for Dumbledore’s orders. I’m sure we’ll meet with him soon, and I think I know where we can meet – all of us.”
His gold and green eyes meet mine, and they look even wearier than before but also uncertain. “Will he want me along?”
I gape at him as if he’s just dropped from outer space. “Are you mental? Of course he’ll want you along, Remus. He sent me to you, didn’t he? You’re a valuable part of this thing – and a damn great wizard.”
He nods warily. “Sure. Of course.”
After a moment, I wag a finger at him. “You might belong in Saint Mungo’s, my friend. Have your head examined.”
He looks like someone trying to put on a happy face. “How’s Harry?”
I settle back into the cushions and exhale, slowly. “I think he’ll be fine. He’s just been through a lot. Hell, I’d even venture to say. It’s too much for a boy his age, but he’ll come through it. He’s strong.”
“Like James.” Lupin adds, and my stomach clenches. The mere mention of his name sends me in a downward spiral. I always feel this enormous sense of guilt, heavy on my shoulders like a weight of bricks. Why couldn’t I have been there for them? Why couldn’t I save them?
Suddenly feeling like being alone, I stand and stretch my neck.
“You look exhausted. Take the bed.” Remus says quietly. “It’s down the hall, first door to the left.”
I stare at him, wondering what to say, deciding if this arrangement is okay with me. “Where will you sleep?”
He half-smiles. “Here, on the couch.” When he sees my pained expression, he grins. “It’s far more comfy than it looks. I tend to sleep here much of the time anyway. The bed is virtually unused. ”
I ponder the double meaning in his words for a fraction of time before meeting his eyes. Still, I feel guilt, an extreme amount of it.
“Remus, you’ve been hospitable enough…”
“Shut up, Padfoot.” He murmurs stretching out his long legs on the couch and kicking off his shoes. “Go to bed.”
Watching him slip almost instantly into sleep, I study him for a moment, how vulnerable he seems, how his eyelids flutter, how he seems to live in his clothes, how he seems troubled and untroubled at once. I wonder where our childhood got to and wish for it back, wish for those restless nights in Gryffindor Tower so many years ago when we would stay awake for hours doing nothing but talking and making each other laugh, back when our banter was un-weighted by this tension. Merlin’s beard, where did all this tension come from?

Finding my way to the small, dark bedroom, I don’t bother illuminating the space, just feel for the bed and drop onto it with a quiet thud. Since Azkaban, sleep doesn’t come easily, and I don’t have anything to prevent unwanted dreams. I am almost reluctant to drop off because at least in the waking world, I have some small measure of control. In sleep, I am susceptible to those horrible visions, the screaming, the torture. Curling into a ball, I cover my head with my arms, angry at myself for being afraid, for feeling like a defenseless child, and then the unexpected happens. Sleep comes over me like a light trance and I feel a sense of contentment, for the first time since arriving here.

When I awaken, it’s harsh and it’s still dark. I shudder and bolt up in bed, covered in perspiration. The usual. My breath is coming in gasps, but there is something more immediate that needs my attention. The sounds coming from the other room. My senses aren’t as keen as when I am in canine form, but they have heightened over the years, and I swear I smell fear, and I hear muffled sounds like distress.
I’m out of bed in an instant and standing over his still sleeping form, but his sleep isn’t restful; he shivering and murmuring, eyes moving rapidly beneath closed lids.
“Remus…” I inquire softly. “…Remus, are you…”
“No…no…please…Merlin, no….” He’s murmuring, eyes still closed, still asleep. “…Forgive me…please…”
I’m kneeling beside the couch, resting a tentative hand on his arm. “Remus, it’s alright. You’re dreaming.”
“No…no…no…I…can’t…I can’t …I’m so sorry…”
Jostling him a little, I hope to wake him, to bring him out of his nightmare. “Remus!” I say in a firm voice. “I’m here. It’s alright.”
When he wakes, he bolts upright with a sharp intake of breath, eyes wide, hands clenched over his heart. When he turns to me, he looks pale and frightened.
“Sirius?” His voice is raspy and breathless.
“Yes, old friend. I’m here.” I regard him, concerned. “Are you alright?”
“I was dreaming.” He says softly, breathing returning to normal. “Forgive me if I woke you.”
Instinctively, my hand goes to his shoulder, needing to reassure him. “Its fine. I was on my way up anyway.”
He studies my face in the dim light. “Nightmares?”
I don’t reply, but he can see the answer in my eyes.
“I usually keep a vial of dreamless sleep potion on hand, but…”
I sit next to him on the couch. “Using that stuff feels like prolonging the inevitable. Masking the cancer you already know you have.”
Remus smiles sadly at me. “But why go through the pain of it needlessly?” Reaching into a side table drawer, he takes out a small wrapped bar of chocolate and breaks a small piece off. When he extends some towards me, I refuse by shaking my head.
“You know I don’t touch that stuff.”
He takes a small bite before re-wrapping it. “It helps. It really does.”
Meeting his gaze, I ask, “What was your dream?”
He looks away from me, then exhales deeply. “That’s not relevant.”
“I just want to know.”
He meets my eyes again only this time, he’s glaring. “You really want to know, Sirius? All right. I dreamed I lost you. I couldn’t grab you in time and you…. You died.”
I smile in spite of myself and in spite of him. “That’s not going to happen.”
He shakes his head. “You’re so arrogant to say that. How do you know what will or won’t happen?”
I smile even more at the tone of his voice. “Because, Remus, I know you’d never let me go.”
He is glaring into space and he takes a long pause before replying in a whisper. “I already let go.”
My stomach clenches at his words. “Remus…”
He stands and goes towards the kitchen. “Can I get you some tea or…”
“Remus, I thought we wouldn’t do this again.”
“I’m not sure I know what you’re talking about. Do you want lemon?”
“Don’t do this, Moony.”
He turns to face me, and it’s as if something has hit him on the head. His scruffy pale hair is all over the place, his clothes are disheveled, and his eyes are confused but burrowing into mine.
“Y’know Sirius, I sort of knew this was a bad idea, but now…we’ve just confirmed it.”
“You want to pretend we don’t have a history, but it doesn’t have to be this way. We don’t have to pretend it didn’t happen.”
“Well, what do you suggest? Simply dealing with it head on?” He’s regarding me with those shadowed eyes. “Well, I’m sorry, mate, but I don’t think I’m strong enough for that. You understand.”
“No. I don’t.” I tell him, standing. “I don’t understand, Remus. I know you have doubts, but we’re not children anymore. We don’t have to hide from…” My voice falters. “…from James - or Peter. We don’t have to hide it anymore. And you don’t understand fear like I do, my friend, not even the dank walls of Azkaban or the screaming or the Dementor’s kiss can compare to the fear of thinking I might never see you again or…” I am unable to continue. Instead, I stand and stare at him, drinking in the weary sight of him. Even in this dim light, I can see those flecks of gold in his eyes, several feet away.

Silently, he rests the teakettle on the counter and comes slowly towards me. I wait, perfectly still until he gets to within inches of me and rests a trembling hand on my shoulder.
“I tried not to think of it.”
I grin through my anguish. “It’s been damn near impossible not to think of it.”
“All those nights we spent together…seventh year…”
“Right under their noses.”
Remus smiles, face flushing a light crimson. “I can’t believe they never heard us.”
“The silencing charm.” I offer, softly. “You were so noisy, Moony.”
He flushes an even deeper shade. “I couldn’t help myself.”
“Yes, especially with the approaching full.”
His eyes slip shut, briefly, and I have an uncontrollable urge to take him in my arms. But I resist. I don’t know if he wants to go back down that road. I don’t know if he has put it all behind him. I don’t know if his proclivities have changed since he was sixteen. I don’t know if he finds me repulsive. I don’t know anything. I only know I missed him, missed the hell out of him.
When he speaks, his eyes are sparkling with intensity. “Its been difficult, living here alone. I know isolation, but it gets to me still…it always gets to me, eventually…”
“I’m sorry it’s been hard for you, but you don’t have to be alone anymore.”
He looks terribly sad at my words, and he averts his eyes, but I catch his chin in my hand and force him to meet my gaze.
“I’m not lying to you, Remus.” I tell him in a stern voice. “We’re friends, no matter what else may occur between us or what exists in our past. We’re the remaining marauders, and we must always remember that.”
He nods and removes my hand from his chin. “All right, mate.” We’re standing close, too close. I’m looking up into his eyes, desperate to hold him, but I don’t dare.
“Well…” I finally move away from him. “…how about that offer for tea?”


Its several days later, and Remus and I have slipped into a companionable routine. He goes out to do the shopping, and I stay in and do the cleaning. He makes money by doing little odds and ends in Knockturn Alley or other obscure places around the wizarding world. Occasionally, he takes odd jobs in muggle London, which troubles me to no end because of the high risk. I don’t dare show my face in the wizarding world, let along the muggle one. I always feel a deep sense of relief when he returns unharmed, and I insist that he rest his weary body – especially as the full moon approaches.

“Where will you procure your Wolfsbane?” I ask him one afternoon.
He shrugs his shoulders. “I usually get a small bit of it from the Hog’s Head, from some strange wizard or another.”
Feeling a deep sense of regret, I murmur. “What about Hogwarts? What about…Snape?”
Lupin smiles ironically. “Good one. Snape, the extremely good-natured wizard who lost me my job? Who ruined my life? That Snape?”
I frown. “Dumbledore would make him do it. You know that.”
“Yeah. Well, I don’t want Dumbledore forcing him to do charity for me. I’d rather deal with it.”
“That’s rubbish.” I growl. “I’ll send an owl.”
“Don’t bother, Sirius. It isn’t worth risking exposure.”
I snort. “I think it is worth it. To hell with Snape and his ill will. Dumbledore is capable I’m sure – or Madam Pomfrey. I don’t like you prowling dark alleyways in search of something vital. There’s no telling what kind of sick wizard you could encounter.”
Remus makes a face at me. “Listen, Sirius, I’m a big boy. A fully-grown wizard – not helpless. I can take care of this. I always have. You forget, I’ve been on my own for a great long while now.”
Finally, nodding reluctantly, I drop it.

Two days later, an owl arrives, via floo powder, which is odd. Standing in the fireplace is a sooty, black bird with a small parcel attached to its talon, hooting anxiously.
Remus stares at the bird that actually coughs a bit before stepping out of the fire place and I go to him and unbind the small package. There is a small note attached and it’s in a script I don’t recognize:

The dosage is to be taken immediately, as you well know. The Headmaster sends his regards.

I turn the parchment over for a return address or even a sender name. Remus eyes it carefully, turning it over in his hands.
“It’s the Wolfsbane.”
“Yes, but from whom?” I am suspicious. “It may not be safe.”
“It’s not a deception, Sirius.” Remus says, going to the kitchen to mix the contents of the vial into a cup of tea. “ This is from Snape.”
“How do you know?”
“Because I know his script.”
Ignoring the slight pang of jealousy, I take his comment as truth. It isn’t until later when we are sitting together in front of the fire that I bring the subject up again.

“He sent the Wolfsbane so you won’t harm me.”
Remus continues to stare into the fire, the flames illuminating his drawn face. “It doesn’t matter.”
“Yeah…” I’m feeling an irrational anger welling inside me. “…Am I to believe they’ve never thought of you before I came here? You were left to fend for yourself? To find your potion wherever you may…or not?”
“It wouldn’t have been safe, Sirius.” He admits quietly. “Besides, Snape, in spite of his dark overtone and before alerting the school to my condition was almost along the lines of decent to me. His derision almost came as a shock. Almost.”
I’m glaring at him now. “Well, I didn’t know the two of you had gotten so close. Please, do me a favor and leave my name off the wedding invitations.”
Remus turns to me and his eyes are narrowed, glare just as deadly as mine. “Merlin, you are insufferable.”
“What? I’m not the one having delusions of grandeur – about Snape of all wizards…”
“Don’t you think it was good of him to send the potion? Do you think there is a reason behind his…dark façade? Perhaps he feels the need to fit the role he’s been placed in.”
Standing in a huff, I throw up my arms. “I don’t want to hear any more of this!”
“What is your problem, Sirius? Is the real issue with Snape or is it with me?”
Unable to answer, I simply stand there, hands on hips, fuming. It’s bad enough that he sympathizes with the greasy git, but now it seems like he’s almost defending his actions.
“Have you forgotten about when we were in school? How we banded together against dodgy prats like him?”
Quietly, Remus exhales. “Yeah, but in case you haven’t noticed, Sirius, we’re not fifteen anymore. You really should leave your dislike of Snape in the past, where it belongs – or at least find some new reason to dislike him. Stir things up a bit.”
Snorting, I roll my eyes. “You sure do fancy the bloke who completely ruined your life.”
“I don’t want to do this.” He says, standing. “You’re being irrational, and I’m exhausted.”
“I’m being irrational?” I turn on him, grinding my teeth? “I’m irrational, Remus? How so? Because I care? Please, enlighten me!”
Whirling round to face me, he shouts. “Will you sod off!”
I’m too shocked to reply, so he speaks in a weary but clipped tone.
“As I stated previously, I’m tired. I’m going to sleep. In my bed. Goodnight.” And he brushes past me to go to his room, shutting the door behind him.
For several minutes, I stand and wait, hoping we haven’t actually just had a row, hoping its all been a dream. When he doesn’t emerge from the bedroom, however, I finally go to the couch and sink down into the cushions, sullen with myself. I’m such an idiot. I see that now. How could I have been jealous of Snape? The thought is nearly incomprehensible, but I just keep imagining the two of them, teaching at Hogwarts side by side, Snape preparing Wolfsbane for Remus, and Remus relying on him all those months, such an intimate arrangement. It turns my stomach to even think of it. Instead of making myself insane with envy, I shut my eyes and try to formulate what I’ll say to him in the morning, how I’ll apologize. It’s upsetting that I made him, such a normally mild, easygoing wizard, lose it like this. My only folly, I decide, is that I care too much for him.

The next morning, however, I don’t get the chance to speak to him because he is gone out before the sun even comes up. Luckily, for my sanity, he leaves a note explaining, in short brief words, that he has gone to do some work for a local wizarding family several miles away.
When he returns, it is late and he barely talks to me. In fact, for the next several days, he doesn’t speak much at all and when he finally does, I notice he is agitated and restless. This is how I know the full moon is approaching - tonight, in fact.

“I’m going to lock myself in around half past eight.” He says serenely, sipping tea and staring off into space. “I’m going to ask that you not disturb me.”
It hurts that he says it this way, that he wishes to keep me away. Under the influence of the Wolfsbane, he will be virtually harmless; still he wants me to keep my distance. Why?
“Whatever you wish, mate.” I reply briskly, keeping my voice light even in spite of my heavy heart. This wedge between us seems to be growing and it’s painful and stifling. Watching him carry on this way, in this detached manner makes me ache for him more, but I also wonder if my desire is in vain. Perhaps he has let go of the past as he suggested I do.

It is ten o’clock at night, and I am lying on the couch, staring out at the wide white moon, a perfect sphere. Remus has been confined in the bedroom for approximately one hour and thirty minutes, and I am taking no comfort in the dead silence. It seems as if I should have heard something by now, at least a feeble wolfish howl. Instead, I hear nothing and its driving me insane.
Standing, I move towards the hallway, careful not to make a sound and listen at the door.
“Moony?” My breathing has sped up, and my heart is banging inside my chest. I’ve never known him to harm himself directly, but aside from last year, it’s been awhile since I’ve gone through this with him.
“Alohomora.” I breathe, wand tip barely touching the knob as it opens a crack. Cautious, I peer into the darkened room to see the trembling wolf curled on the rug, muzzle turned away from me. I want to rush to him and kneel by his side and caress his head, but I don’t.
Instead, I drop my wand and slip out of my clothes and transform myself into my animagus form. Unlike him, I don’t lose myself when in this body. I am completely aware of my surroundings, and I know what I am doing. On four legs, I creep towards him and nuzzle him with my nose, unsure of what he might do, skeptical of the Wolfsbane. Finally, his head turns towards me, and I tense up, staring into those feral amber eyes, half expecting him to attack. For several minutes, we do this, simply staring back and forth, as if transfixed until finally, finally, he lowers his head to the carpet, submissive, thanks to Snape’s Wolfsbane. I rest myself next to him, nudging my body against his and we stay that way til the first rays of sunshine stream through the mini blinds.

When my eyes open, I move to scratch my nose and realize I’m not using hands but paws. I almost have a barking laugh at myself until I see him, unconscious, naked and spent beside me, Remus J. Lupin once again.
Changing quickly back into myself, I lift his frail warm body into my arms and rest him on the bed. The wolf is gone, but the ramifications of its visit are very apparent, swollen, bruised joints, dehydration, cracked skin and lips.
“Remus…” I whisper very near to his ear. “…It’s all right, mate. I’m here. I’m here for you.”
He turns his head slightly towards me, eyes moving beneath lids, but otherwise, he stays silent and rather still except for the deep rise and fall of his chest. Good. At least he’s breathing well.
Searching the hall cupboards, I find a large comforter and cover him with it, tucking it in to keep him warm, unaccustomed to dealing with this and unsure if I am helping or not. Merlin, its been so long.

Finding my clothes and getting dressed, I sit at the small dining table and occasionally sip tea, watching the clock like some expectant father at St Mungo’s. I don’t remember how long this should take, his recovery. I don’t know if he needs anything. I don’t know if I should summon anyone – and who would I send for anyway? Snape? I highly bloody doubt it.

Finally, several hours later, during the late afternoon, I hear his voice and crack my knee hard against the table scrambling to go see after him.
“Sirius?” He inquires in a groggy voice as I come in, trying to conceal my smarting knee.
“Alright, Moony?”
He groans and stretches a bit, wincing as he does. “I think so. Tired, though. Very tired.”
“Can I get you anything?” I approach and perch on the edge of the bed. “You want tea – or food? I’ll go get you some food.”
He shakes his head and rests his hand near my leg. “I’m fine, really. I only need sleep.”
Nodding, I turn my gaze towards the window, amazed at how bright it is, how it casts its warm glow across the room. “Listen, Remus, about the other night…I was being…well…a git. I don’t mean to act that way. I just get angry, and I can’t control the flood of rubbish that comes pouring out of my mouth. I do apologize. You’re my friend, and…” Glancing down at him, I notice his eyes have slipped shut in slumber, and his mouth is slightly open; he’s breathing deeply, light brownish hair a bit grayer today than two weeks ago. Feeling sentimental, I brush a strand or two away from his brow and gaze at his perfect face, lined with delicate diagonal scars from long ago, his pouty lips, his perfectly sculpted nose. My fingers lightly trace his jaw line down to his chin. He doesn’t stir as I lean down and lay a gentle kiss on his forehead. The act alone makes me tremble, and I know I don’t have long to stay here. Being in such close proximity with him is torture, especially when I recall our nights spent together so long ago, hiding ourselves away under the cloak of night, pawing at each other and rolling under the watchful eye of the half moon, me kissing him like crazy and him moaning softly into my ear, hands tangled in my hair. It’s too much.

The next morning, I send an owl to Dumbledore and leave a note for Remus before starting off on my journey. It’s not yet hot out and still rather dark, so I change into my animagus simply because it’s easier to get around in dog form, undetected.
I am traversing hillsides and valleys and wooded areas beyond the fading plains until eventually, I have come to a place I knew I would find exactly as it always was. Number Twelve Grimmauld Place, my childhood home. Up the stone steps I climb, staring at the twisted serpent, silver doorknocker. It stands very tall and large, a formidable dwelling but rather dark and oppressive, unassuming. The perfect place for Dumbledore’s secret meetings.
When I get up to the door, I stand in the threshold and change into myself before going quietly inside. Merlin knows I wouldn’t want to upset the paintings here.

Inside the foyer, it is dank and reeks like moldy wallpaper and death, the filthy black, aged picture frames hanging off the walls as if by a thread. The floors and walls are caked with dust and the old severed troll’s leg is still in the corner, one spider web covered umbrella still resting in its shallow murk. Home sweet home. The heavy burden of loneliness is weighing on my shoulders, and I suddenly wonder if Lupin is alright. I have a feeling it was a bad idea to leave him so soon after the change, but it would have done no good to wait around for him to wake so that I could once again suppress the instinct to take him into my arms and kiss his ivory skin. I know my limitations, and I don’t want to put myself through that. He has obviously moved past it, and I know I should do the same. This is why I am here, to be useful without being a burden to anyone else.

When midnight comes, I am staring up at the ceiling, leaning my chair back on two legs, drinking fire whisky and pondering my life. It seems a shame to spend my freedom cooped up in the dank dark places I always tried so hard to escape from, but here I am. It always feels like hiding, and why should I have to hide? I’m an innocent wizard with a spotless past and yet I am being persecuted for it.
When I hear the strange scratching at the door, I let my chair drop down on all four and feel my heart rate pick up a bit. I’m a little dizzy from the drink, but I stand and go to the door, wand in hand, breathing hard.
“Who’s there?” I ask in a harsh voice.
The door bursts open, and too stunned to move, I am met with the spinning electric blue eye of Alastor Moody, and a small entourage of witches and wizards I have known and trusted since before my stay in Azkaban. I nearly drop down to my knees, giving thanks to the Gods, but instead, I tug him inside and wave at all the others, Kingsley Shacklbot, Nymphadora Tonks, Arthur Weasley and one or two others.

“How are you?” I inquire of Alastor whose electric eye is spinning wildly in its socket. He makes a face like a grimace and looks past me, surveying.
“Alright, now.” He says in a gruff voice. “They got the drop on me once. Won’t happen again, you best be believing.”
“Sirius Black, you great ugly wizard, how are you, mate?” Kingsley greets me jovially as Alastor gives the place a good once over, already at work placing charms and spells all around the outside of the house.
Shrugging and grinning, I mutter. “Better now. Glad to have company.”
Weasley clasps me on the back and smiles good-naturedly. “You keeping yourself hidden?”
I nod and offer him Fire Whiskey.
“Nah. Don’t touch the stuff myself.” He says. “Have you met my son, Bill?”
I shake the boy’s hand who has the trademark Weasley red hair pulled into a pony tail.
“Good to meet you, mate. Was glad when I heard the truth.”
“So was I.” I joke as they all have a chuckle.
Tonks, the young witch with bright pink hair grins at me. “You been keeping well?”
I shrug one shoulder. “About as well as can be expected. Yourself?”
She makes a face. “Alright, I suppose. You like this color pink on me? I think it matches my eyes. Well, that’s what I’ve been hearing, anyway.” She glances around the kitchen. “Hey, where’s Remus?”
My stomach clenches. “Um…he should be along, I guess.”
“Oh.” She sounds about as disappointed as I feel. “Well…too bad. Hopefully he shows up. I miss joking around with him.”
Alastar eyeballs me quickly. “You expecting him anytime soon? I’m password protecting the place – and Dumbledore wants the Floo Network kept under close watch.”
Shaking my head slowly, I move about the room, pretending I don’t care and offering beverages and food. After a while, I take refuge upstairs in one of the musty rooms and collapse on top of a mildewed old comforter. All I wanted was company, goodwill and merriment. Instead, I find myself as lonely as ever, and I know its because I want him here with me – and not just here in my house but here in my bed, in my arms, back in my life, the way it used to be.

When morning comes, I realize I had been awake all night. There is the moving around downstairs and the murmuring of voices, and I decide I’m going to stay up here, out of the way. Soon, more wizards will show up and eventually Dumbledore. I reckon I can wait up here until he does. There won’t be much for me to do anyway while they organize themselves and start formulating plans.
Several times, I start to send an owl to Remus, but I remember what Alastar has told me about security and I don’t – and that gives me a good excuse because I don’t know what to say to him anyway, short of I’m sorry.

Much later, when I finally wander down to the kitchen, I see that Molly Weasley has arrived and is making dinner. She has arranged to have Bill meet the children when they get off the Hogwarts express and come directly here for the duration of summer. Luckily there is too much commotion, what with the few wizards coming in and out and communing in the hallways and kitchen that I don’t really get the chance to talk to her, but she hands me a butterbeer amidst all the noise and offers me a brisk smile.
After a few words to Alastor and Kingsley, I sneak back off upstairs and drop down onto the dusty comforter, feeling useless and hostile, a bad combination.

When morning comes, I sit up in bed, feeling groggy and anxious and I decide to send a letter to Remus. I don’t really know what I intend to say, but I know I must say something. I feel incomplete without him, and I am worried about him, and I need him and I lo…. Well…I guess I love him. I don’t know what he will say about any of this, but he needs to know it regardless. I’ll deal with the ramifications later.
Just as I am summoning the owl to the window, I hear someone coming in downstairs, and I go down to see who it is.
My heart leaps when I see Albus Dumbledore flanked by Alastor, Kingsley, Arthur, Hagrid (with Buckbeak), Minerva McGonagall and behind them, a sort of tawny disheveled wizard in tatty old robes and graying sandy hair. His amber eyes aren’t focused on anything in particular, but when he sees me, they dance and he smiles, slightly. To say I’m ecstatic is an understatement, indeed. I practically tumble down the steps to where they are, most of the remaining members of the Order of the Phoenix.
Greeting Dumbledore and the others, I feel a sense of warmth even while I still feel a bit detached from everything and a little useless. It does, however, fill me with pride that my house is now the headquarters for secret meetings. I have a sudden longing to be reunited with my Godson, Harry but I know he will come as well, in due time.

Finally, I am left alone in the foyer with Remus as the others convene in the kitchen.
“Hello, Sirius.”
I’m smirking. “Moony.”
“I got your note.” He says, in a somber tone.
Snorting, I shrug. “Listen, Remus, I didn’t mean to leave the way I did, but I figured it was better if we…If I just…leave.”
He nods, matter-of-factly. “Yes, I know. You don’t owe me an apology, Sirius. You don’t owe me anything.”
I gaze at him in the dark hall. “Yes. But I shouldn’t have left you so soon after…I just…I don’t know. It was difficult. Staying. You and me...” My voice lowers. “…It was… difficult…”
He rests a hand on my shoulder and I feel his heat coursing through me. “I know you were busy, doing work for Dumbledore - for the Order. That was paramount.”
“That’s a load of rubbish.” I whisper. “I haven’t done one bloody thing for the Order since I’ve been here. Taking up a load of bloody space, perhaps, but otherwise…”
“Stop.” Remus says in a soft stern voice and I feel a need so powerful raging through me that I have to look away from him.
“I’m glad you’re here and you’re safe.” I tell him, staring at the floor. “That’s all that matters to me outside of Harry.”
He nods and cups my face in his warm hands. “And how is he?”
I can barely think straight with his hands on me. “Oh. He’s fine. On the Hogwarts express back to the Dursley’s, I reckon.”
Remus draws me nearer. “Then he’ll come here?”
My eyes drift shut as I nod slowly. “Sure. Yes. I suppose…if…if…Dumbledore wishes it.”
“And what do you wish, Sirius?”
Throwing caution to the wind, I reach up and pull his face down to mine for a quick awkward kiss on the lips, ignoring the fact that we’re in the hall where anyone could walk by and see us. He makes a deep noise in the back of his throat, and I release him and watch as his face flushes with heat.
He rests two fingers against his lips and regards me with a somewhat stunned expression before giving me the slightest frown and moving off towards the kitchen.
Okay. Maybe that was a bad idea. He seems unhappy that I kissed him – maybe even angry. Oh well. It’s back upstairs to brood.

Several hours later, the house is completely quiet and dark. I haven’t bothered to see about accommodating Remus since Molly seems to have that covered. (Slowly but surely, she is taking over the house, but I find I don’t really care) The night is making odd shadows in the corners and dropping over me like a great dark cloak and I start when I hear the door creak open.
“Hello?” I inquire to the shadows, reaching for my wand. “Who’s there?”
“It’s me, you foolish git.” He says before pulling me up and into his arms. I’d know that scent anywhere, the light clean smell of sweet surrender. His mouth is on mine and his arms are around me, and I am gasping and holding tight to him.
“Remus,” I murmur as he travels his mouth down my neck, grazing teeth carefully over my skin.
“I missed you,” He whispers against my skin. “Missed this.”
My hands are on his back, hugging him even closer. “You have no idea…”
“Sirius…” He’s kissing me again, lips lightly nipping mine. “…I think…I think Dumbledore knows…”
My eyes slide shut as he rests a hand against my chest. “I don’t care who knows…I need you, Remus…love you.”
Our eyes link, and we hold still for a moment, regarding each other. I murmur the lumos charm so I can see him, needing the soft light of a lit wand. His amber eyes look dark and mouth is parted slightly as he exhales deeply.
“You love me.”
Nodding, I tug him against me again. “Yes, moony, I love you. I don’t care if you can’t say it. I feel it.” I move his hand over my heart. “In here.”
He hesitates for a moment before leaning in and kissing me deeply, tongue flowing into my mouth as his fingers slide into my hair.
“Mmm…Moony…”
“Shh…” He whispers, deftly unbuttoning my shirt.
I obey him and wrap my arms around his slender waist, letting his lips brush my skin as his hands relieve me of my top. His hands are trembling as they traverse my naked torso, and I am practically panting as his mouth lands sloppily on my left nipple.
“Merlin, Remus…” I hear myself hiss when his tongue laps the sensitive peak. “…been so long…”
Wordlessly, he moves down my chest, planting urgent kisses across my sternum, against my tattoos, back up to the right nipple. My hands are buried in his hair, tugging gently. Feeling him so close is like a dream, feeling his mouth on me, his hands on me.
Bringing his face back up to mine, I capture his mouth in a desperate kiss, claiming it as he makes a soft noise in the back of his throat. My hands travel beneath his shirt to brush against the warmth of his flat belly and up his torso, nails dragging along the hairless skin in the center of his chest. He makes another pleasured sound, and I pull his tongue further into my mouth.
Eventually, I get his shirt off of him and hold him against me, enjoying the feel of his skin against mine, having flashback memories of our times together so long ago, when we first explored one another in this way, down dark abandoned corridors and beneath James’ invisibility cloak. He’d have killed us if he’d known.

Currently, my teeth graze Moony’s neck, feeling his strong pulse just beneath the surface and the raging fury just underneath this thin layer of passive aggressive nonchalance. Pulling him down even more, I tug his earlobe between my teeth and run my tongue along it, just to hear his gasp. His hands trail up and down my sides and back before resting on my hip. When I reach down and pull his pelvis forward, I feel him through his worn slacks, feel the solid need he has for me like a staff of granite. This pleases me to no end, and I don’t feel so bad about my own stiff member, aching and arching towards him.
Reaching between us, I grasp him in a firm hand, through baggy brown cotton and watch as he bites his lip, suppressing the urge to groan. But he can’t suppress it for long.
“Shite…Sirius…” He whispers as my mouth captures his once again and my tongue begins a rhythm in his mouth to match what my hand is doing to him below the waist. I could divest him of this barrier, but I like to tease him and I like a good build up. Idly, I wonder if I should place a silencing charm around this room.
Letting go of his throbbing organ, I wrap him in my arms and start to nudge us towards the bed, awkwardly maneuvering us onto it with him beneath me on his back.
For several seconds, we simply gaze at each other, eyes linked, mouths parted and kiss-bruised. His hand finds its way into my hair and he tangles his fingers in it as I shut my eyes and just enjoy it, enjoy his gentle flirty touches, his nails scratching lightly at my scalp. His other hand dances across my chest, teasing my left nipple, then the right in turn, and then I feel his knee come up between my legs and carefully brush my groin, making me shiver.
“Oh, Remus…” I moan. “…I don’t want to wait.”
Smiling tenderly, his hands come down to unfasten my fly, and I gaze at him, loving how intent he looks.
“You’re so beautiful.” I murmur to him, caressing his hair. “I adore you, Remus.”
His smile is slight as he tugs down my zipper. “Likewise, Padfoot.”
Our mouths meet again and we kiss and he slides my pants down over my hips, me raising up to assist him. Rolling us over, I let him straddle me as I hug my naked body to him and kiss his chest, sliding my hands over his skin, desperate to feel every inch of his warmth. My lips travel up to kiss his neck and suck in the soft skin where the shoulder meets.
His moan is deep as he leans back his head to give me better access and reaches down blindly to grasp my erection.
“Remus…uhnn…”
In a breathy voice, Remus does the silencing charm, and I roll us back over so I’m on top of him. Our bodies are pressed together, me resting most of my weight on him as I nudge his thighs apart with my knee. His right hand is on my shoulder while his other is in my hair, grasping me down into another steamy kiss.
“Mmm, Remus…” I whisper against his neck as I rock my hips against his. “…so hard.”
His chuckle rumbles through us both as he moves beneath me. “Do something about that.”
I smile through my lust, raising myself up a bit on my elbows and glancing towards the side table. “The oil…”
He reaches towards the table and says in a quiet voice. “Accio.” And the drawer slides out a bit to let the small vial fly into his hand. He then pours copious amounts of it and rubs it all over my straining erection and over his own before dropping the vial onto the floor.
Our mouths meet again and mesh as he reaches down and begins to caress us both in his hand and I start a slow rhythm in his cupped palm.

Breaking the kiss, I slide two of my fingers into his mouth and let him suckle them sensuously before reaching down and sliding the wet digits into his tight cavity. His eyes shut as he bites his lip, moaning softly as I start to thrust gently.
“Sirius…” He whimpers, pushing himself onto my fingers, forcing them deeper. “…more, Sirius. More.”
Obliging him, I add another finger, pushing it farther than before, stretching him.
With a throaty groan, he grasps my wrist and removes my fingers. “I need you. Inside me. Now. Do it, Sirius.”
Without further delay, I press my pelvis forward and let the head of my prick rest against the cleft of his ass. Restraint is most difficult for me after having been celibate for so long.
“Are you sure?” I whisper, resting my hands on his chest.
He doesn’t answer, just lies there, panting with need, eyes sliding shut.
“Tell me, Remus.” I use one hand to raise his knee and kiss it. “Tell me how bad you want it, how badly you need me.”
“Merlin, I’ll explode if you don’t.” He breathes and I smile fondly at him before pushing my erection inside him, filling him. Our cries mingle and become one singular howl as I rest my body on top of his and start to fuck him sweetly, kissing his neck and shoulders, wrapping him in my arms.
His legs come up to encircle my waist as we move together, and his teeth are biting my neck, just enough to hurt but not enough to pierce the skin. It fuels my passion and desire that he would do something so dangerous, risk spilling my blood. The chances of him turning me are very slim with him in human form, but there is always that small possibility of something odd occurring. Still, he abuses my skin as I ride him rough, and his soft voice is driving me insane along with the hot tightness of him wrapped around me. He is moaning, getting off on the friction between our closely pressed bodies before I lift myself up a bit so that I may hold onto his slick erection and tug it mercilessly.
“Oh God…. Sirius…”
I’m fucking the hell out of him, driven mad by the sounds of his erotic voice and the sound of old bed springs creaking beneath our fervor. Also, his hands are all over me, up and down my sides and back and hips, then in my hair and on my face and his mouth is on mine, tongue licking mine as his hand comes to rest on my chest and then roll my nipples with brutal fingers.
“Ahh …Merlin, Remus…I’m so close…”
My hand moves quickly up and down his shaft, matching the rhythm of my hips slamming into him and suddenly he gasps as his eyes tightly clench shut. “I’m coming…” He whispers. “…Sirius…”
And his warm seed shoots out onto our bellies, coating my hand. His chest is rising and falling quickly and unevenly and he turns his face away, catching his breath even while his legs stay tightly wrapped around my waist. It isn’t long after that I’m trembling above him and losing my load deep into his body.

When I finally collapse on top of him, his arms come up to encircle me and we stay that way for several minutes, warm and sticky and joined together, nuzzling each other silently. Our bodies are covered in a fine sheen of perspiration and almost glowing in the dim light. I hold tight to him, wondering absently if I’m too heavy on him.

Finally, I brush light strands of his hair from his brow. “Are you okay?” I inquire quietly.
He smiles, so angelic with his eyes closed and his face all flushed. “I’m better than that, actually.” He says softly. “Thank you.”
I kiss his cheek and then his neck before rolling onto my side to lie next to him. “Don’t thank me, Remus. Believe me, I wanted this as much as - if not more than, you.”
He lets his fingers come up to twine in my hair. “What are we going to do about this?” His voice sounds so sleepy, and I regret keeping him up so late…well…kind of…
“Do about what?” I ask, brushing fingers lightly across his shoulder. “About you and me? About this?”
He nods, pressing his back against my stomach, spooning us. “Yes. What about the others?”
I shrug. “I don’t care about them. You’re all that matters to me now…and Harry…”
He snuggles closer. “Is that not a bit selfish?”
I shrug and brush my lips across his skin. “I don’t know. I trust they’ll be fine about it. It is, after all, my house. If there’s a problem everyone can just bugger off, right?”
Remus grins and turns to kiss me before tugging the blankets up around us. “Sure, Padfoot. That sounds fine to me.”
Nodding, satisfied, I rest very close to him. “I really did miss you, Remus. I don’t want to lose you again.”
With a little yawn, he reaches for my hand and entwines our fingers. “You know we’ll be together for an eternity, mate. For now, though, I’ll just lie low here with you, yes?”
With a snort, I kiss him to affirm what he already knows before resting my head next to his and falling almost instantly into slumber.


END