--Holding On--

—Holding On—
Summary: Harry is forced to learn Occlumency; Severus is forced to teach it. Harry finds out soon enough that everyone has their secrets; Severus finds out a new little something about himself.

Disclaimer: These characters are not mine, and I do not gain profit from these stories.
All the errors are mine, since I have yet to get a beta.
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Rated NC-17 for sexual situations, violence, rape, and language.
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Genre: Angst, romance, and thriller.
Pairing: Severus Snape/Harry Potter
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Chapter One

Darkness surrounded him, leisurely closing in on what was made of his body. He shivered involuntarily as a familiar figure, face, and voice carried through the pitch stark-ness.

“Harry Potter. What a most pleasant surprise. I was wondering when I would see you next, though I can see that your excitement to see me is bearing ridge to seep out and make oneself known.” Harry bit his lower lip, not from fear but from anger that seethed into his veins and threatened to rupture if any more had been said by the sly opponent that was, Voldemort.

“No matter, I shall soon make you forget your anger and join me in my years of pain. I made a mistake, I admit, in allowing you to survive this long, but not anymore. No, I shall take pride in watching you cry out in great agony. But first, allow me to introduce you to one of my most prized servants. Severus, come here!” Harry’s eyes widened as he watched his most hated potion’s master appear from the dark that covered him, casting a simple ‘lumos’ spell.

“Ah, Mr. Potter,” his faced sneered into a malicious smirk, “How good to see you finally join us.” Harry shook his head violently, trembling beneath the cover of his assembled robes and gasping for sweet air that seemed to be taken from him. The men simply watched him; Voldemort smiling widely at the reaction and Snape smirking with a malevolent gaze in his eyes.

“Wait, Pro-professor, please…” his voice pleaded the man, his body shaking violently out of anger and fear and so many other emotions that overtook him, body and mind. He felt his hair grabbed with a violent jerk, whimpering as his neck was struck back. His eyes met onyx eyes that seemed to see his thoughts as well as every emotion he felt. He shivered once more, this time, holding out a long gasp.

“Prepare yourself, Potter. Unlike those in the past, who prided you on your unearned fame, I will not pause to ponder whether I am hurting the Wizarding World’s golden boy!” He sneered at with that; Harry was pushed back, knocking his head against hard stone, shattering his vision to spark into chemical imbalance. A pain, like no other, cruised past his skin and caused him to shout in pain.


“Harry! Harry, wake up. Somebody get Madam Pomfrey!” Ron was hovering over Harry, his hands clasped tightly to Harry’s shoulders and softly jerking them, continuing his calls for his best friend to wake.

Harry groaned, holding back tears of pain as images flashed constantly. His scar glowed with brilliance that superseded anything it had yet given off. He was once again reminded of the curse and screamed out, calling through the room his terror and pain.

The boys in the room looked from one another, eyes widened in fear. Before they were allowed to advance on the bed of the screaming boy, Dumbledore had stepped in, making his way to the bed, followed by a frantic med-witch.

“How long has he been screaming, Ron?” Dumbledore inquired, his eyes worried as he watched the boy writhe beneath the covers, screaming a pain-streaking cry. Ron looked at his friend, his eyes completely wide with fright.

“About ten minutes, sir.” Dumbledore nodded to the witch behind him, her eyes frightened, but she got to work as fast as she could. After finally preparing the boy, she administered a sleeping draught as well as a few dreamless sleep potions and some calming solutions, metallic liquids that tinted red-flamed orange.

“He should be fine now, headmaster. He’ll need a few days to rest in the infirmary; he was hit quite directly with the ‘crucio’ curse and is now recovering.” Dumbledore nodded to her lightly, watching the boy calmly breathe in his slumber.

Harry was taken from the bed and levitated over to the hospital wing, where he would be sentenced to rest for the next three days, allowing his body to heal from the extreme curse. Meanwhile, Severus was called to the Headmaster’s office.

~*~

Severus entered the rooms, his eyes black orbs which glared at the headmaster, making no move to sit. “Please, Severus, sit. Lemon drop?” he offered the canister of the candies, but Severus respectably declined the offer.

“You called?” Severus sat down in the seat opposite the desk that Dumbledore sat at. His eyes made no move to look around him, just continued to stare across the small vastness between the headmaster and him.

“Ah yes, I have a request. I would like you to tutor Harry in Occlumency. It is in my best interest that he begins to train for it, since the time is nearer to when he will meet face to face with Voldemort.” Severus’ mouth gaped slightly, but it soon turned to a sneer and he stood out of rage.

“Why must I teach the boy? Why cannot you simply gather one of the more suitable characters for the boy’s training? Perhaps someone that drools for the boy?! I will not waste my time, with that…that impertinent brat!” Dumbledore watched Severus, his eyes calm and unchanged by the outburst.

“Calm down, my boy. As I have already gone over, I believe you are the best choice. Harry is not that bad, Severus. If you warm up to him, maybe he can teach you a thing or two,” his eyes smiled at Severus, causing the man to seethe with anger.

“Albus, I refuse to stay within inches of that boy. It is enough that I have to deal with him for an hour in my potion’s class, but on my own time? I simply will not!”

“Severus…”

“No, I refuse.”

“Severus…”

“Albus, I will not teach the boy.”

“Severus…”

“Merlin! Fine, fine. I will teach the boy.”

“Thank you, Severus. I assume you will notify Harry as soon as possible and begin lessons when you and he have created some kind of schedule?” Dumbledore watched Severus, his eyes twinkling slightly.

“Yes, yes.” Severus turned and stormed out of the office, his robes billowing behind him in a fury. He was not going to enjoy having to spend more time than necessary with the famous Harry Potter. He sneered, returning to his dungeons to get started on a potion he was asked to make for Professor Sprout.

~*~

Madam Pomfrey stood over Harry, smiling slightly when he brought his eyes to open slowly, not yet able to see completely, void of his glasses. She immediately grabbed the forgotten lenses on the counter-table top and placed them gently on the boy’s face, allowing him to take in what surrounded him.

“Good to see that you have joined us, Mister Potter. I just need to take some final notes on your condition and you can head down from lunch, since it will be in progress shortly.” She scurried off into another room, talking slightly to herself and leaving a very confused Harry still lying in the infirmary bed, pondering what had gotten him there this time.

“Mister Potter,” a familiar voice drawled out. He reluctantly turned to where the silky voice had originated, seeing the leering Potion’s professor, standing in the door way. He bit back his groan at watching the man enter the room and head for his bed. He sighed out his anger and looked up once more.

“Professor,” he responded through gritting teeth. His eyes closed for a few seconds, but finally opened and turned to look back at his most hated of all the professors.

“Now that you have decided to grace us with your final waking, I would like to talk to you about some business that unfortunately involves you,” he drawled out calmly, watching the boy fidget under his eyes. “That is, if you can keep still for one moment, enough for me to get a simple word in,” he added viciously, his tolerance for the boy’s constant movement growing short.

“What is it, sir?” Harry finally ceased his movements, but felt even more uncomfortable when he looked up at his professor, slightly scorning him for his movements. “Sorry, professor. I just woke up and I have no idea what the hell is going on.”

“You will watch your language, Potter. As for why you are here, you woke screaming to the Crucio curse and had to be given sedatives to calm you down and help your pain. Now, on with business; I have been asked by the headmaster to see as to training you in Occlumency.” Harry looked at him, his eyes slightly slanted with inquiry.

“Oh for Merlin’s sake, Potter! Don’t you know anything about Occlumency?” He was once again honored with the slight lifting of the boy’s eyebrow, confusion written in those emerald eyes. “It is the training of the mind, so that you can keep certain memories that you do not wish others to see, hidden from the spell.” He pinched the ridge of his nose, closing his eyes.

“Oh,” was the simple reply of the boy lying underneath the covers. Harry made a short sigh, and stood from his bed, grabbing his things which had apparently been packed by Ron, due to the hidden chocolate frog in the pocket of the bag.

Severus walked in front of Harry, his eyes impatient and his voice much more vicious than normal, “I will expect you in the dungeons promptly after supper.” He turned on his heels and left the room without another word, his robes billowing behind him with vicious fury.

Harry figured that Snape had been forced into this and was blaming him for having to do it. He sighed once more and headed for the bathroom, to ready himself for lunch.

~*~

“Harry!” Ron stood from his seat at the table, greeting his best friend as Harry entered the great hall, his face relaxed and his body completely refreshed. After having a nice shower, and getting ready, Harry was yet again prepared for another exciting day at Hogwarts.

Hermione was perched on the bench, smiling up from her food to look at Harry as he entered the hall. She followed suit behind Ron, calling out to Harry, “Harry, I’m glad to see that you are doing better.”

“Yeah, mate. You were really screamin’ the other night. Scared the living day lights out of me,” was Ron’s response as he shoveled in a bit of his sandwich and sipped eagerly at his pumpkin juice. Hermione looked over, disgusted plainly with the display before her eyes.

“Ron, really, you should try chewing your food.” She smirked at him and he gave her a whole-hearted smile, but continuing to eat as though deprived for the last years. Hermione rolled her eyes and returned her attention to Harry, giving him another of her sweet smiles.

“Are you fully rested, Harry?” Harry shrugged slightly, but smiled and nodded after pondering this after a while. Since conversation called for new information, Harry didn’t hesitate to tell his friends about the new training he had to spend with Snape.

“Tough luck, that is. I would hate to have to spend countless hours with that greasy-git!” Ron hushed out in slight annoyance. Hermione on the other hand simply nodded in reply, her eyes never leaving Harry’s.

“At least you know that he will try everything to make you look bad, giving you more motivation to succeed.” She smiled and Harry nodded in reply. He knew that in all likely-hood, Dumbledore knew what he was doing. He trusted the older man enough to even spend his precious hours with Snape.

~*~

Harry arrived at the dungeons around five past, filled with honeysuckles and crisp fried chicken, which had surprised Harry at dinner to see. He smiled slightly, but when he was reminded of whom he was about to see, his smile quickly dissipate, just in time for Snape to arrive.

Severus watched the boy standing at the door, sighing out a frustrated bundle, “Come in, Potter. I won’t have you waste time with your word impotence. Harry gritted his teeth together, but held his tongue as he entered the cold-drafted dungeons. It was much darker than he thought it would be, but he shook it off as something to not worry about.

Severus glared at the boy, watching him slowly seep out of the world and into his own, “Potter! Pay attention and stop daydreaming. We have much work to accomplish and I do not want to waste any more time than I have to.” He walked out of the dungeons and into a wall that soon led to an office. From there, another door opened and Harry was surprised to find himself in his professor’s quarters.

A fired burned brightly beneath the cover of a fireplace, casting eerie shadows over the couch just to the front of it and over the book cases. He turned slightly, looking from all the shadows that cast themselves on the walls. The room was enormous and packed to the tops with books, clamored on tall bookshelves.

Severus turned, sighing yet again at the boy’s easy alternative attention, “Potter, if you’d please try to become in the bit capable of thought and join me over here. I will inform you as to what I would like to accomplish over the weeks we will be training.” Harry moved near him and watched Snape with slightly fatigued eyes, “I will expect your full attention and also complete motivation to master these concepts.”

Harry nodded slightly, unknowing as to what else he could do. He simply kept to listening as the man drabbled on, without purpose anymore. Finally, Snape stopped and looked at him, expecting some sort of answer, “I understand, sir.”

“Good, then we can begin.” Severus took a seat on a chair that was near the fireplace, motioning Harry to take a seat near him. “Now, before we can continue with this spell, you must be able to control your memories as well as your magic.” Severus watched the boy, seeing that he was understood, he continued. “The only way to harness your memories and magic is to use another person and allow them to help you attempt to control your magic.”

Harry watched the fire, absently, but nodded in response to his professor. Severus stood up and took a seat next to Harry, catching the boy by surprise. “You must have some form of contact with the person you are going to use as a stability base.” Severus placed an elegant hand on Harry’s shoulder. Surprised that it had not burned him when his professor touched him, Harry closed his eyes.

Black darkness took over the area, making the past appear his eyes with flashes of color and light. The magic surged around each memory, but pooled into an area that seemed to become elliptical and spun with great speed. He heard Snape’s voice, “Try to slow the orb.”

Harry tried to move forward, but as soon as he got near, the orb exploded, sending memories and magic to spread everywhere. Harry was suddenly shaken, opening his eyes to see his potion’s professor watching him, emotionless.

“I couldn’t grab it,” he replied to the glare of the other man.

“Obviously, Potter. You have yet to control your magic and memories. In order to do that, you must find a will, some kind of memory that will link all the other together and allow you to grab and control it.”

“How do I do that, sir?”

“You must search through your memories and find it, which is the only way to harness the magic and memories together. Until then, I cannot teach you the spell.” Severus caught himself, realizing that his hand had yet to be removed from the boy’s should—lower back. How did it get there, Severus wondered angrily. He didn’t recall when it had slid from the boy’s shoulder to the boy’s back.

“You may leave, Potter.”

“Sir?” Harry looked at his professor, his eyes once again confused and simply too innocent.

“Until you learn to harness your magic, I can do nothing for you. Please leave my quarters now.” He stood up and turned to look out the window. He heard the door close and found that Harry, true to belief, had left.

~*~

Harry walked along the forbidden forest’s edge, pondering what he should do the rest of the day. Since it was Saturday, Harry wanted to find some way of practicing his Quittich, but found that he was reluctant. He paid no attention to anything around him and ended up walking into the forest, absently.

Harry watched the surroundings as darkness lapsed over the once very bright day and he was left to look around for the entrance to the school, or some way out. He shuddered slightly, taking out his wand when he heard slow groaning pants from behind him. He was, he had to admit, a bit scared when he turned to see what was directly behind him. There stood a creature he had not yet seen; its fur was much like a beast and its eyes a crimson mass of flames. It was bearing its teeth and growling low.

Moving slightly backwards, Harry thought of all the creatures he knew, thinking about a curse his could use to drive the beast off. But in the end, he turned up empty handed and with a jerk, he faced his opponent fearlessly.

“Experillemus!” A white streak shot past Harry, hitting the beast and sending it running in the opposite direction, yelping and panting into the darkness. Harry turned around, surprised to find Snape, a bit out of breath, wand drawn and aimed where the beast had been.

“Professor?”

“Mister Potter, what in Merlin’s name are you doing out here? Fifty points from Gryffindor. I will also expect you in detention, for your mere idiotic display against werewolf. Harry let his mouth gape slightly. “But…I thought…”

“No, that was a full-blooded werewolf, so it is always in that form.” He put his wand back in his robes and came over, grabbing Harry’s arm and heading out of the forest. Harry couldn’t believe his ears. That…that was a werewolf? But it looked nothing like a werewolf.

Before Harry knew what had happened, he was back in Snape’s quarters. His eyes widened slightly, watching his professor pace about the room. “Sir?” he began, stopping his professor in mid-step and obviously mid-thought.

“What were you thinking? Going out there?” His voice sounded harsh, but his words were full of concern, which had Harry confused and completely shocked.

Severus had to admit to himself, when he had watched Harry pointing his wand at the werewolf, yet saying nothing; he was screaming and shaking all over. ‘What was the boy doing?’ ‘Does he think of this as some kind of joke?’ Severus shook the thoughts from his mind, finally taking a seat in the seat nearest the fire.

“You do realize, Mister Potter, that today you almost got yourself killed.” He looked up from the hand that he was resting his chin on. He felt suddenly stricken with awe as he watched the boy smile. Those beautiful eyes glimmered underneath the light and his face was pale underneath the shadows.

“Thank you, professor, for saving my life.” Severus let out a slow breath at those words. Harry Potter, thanking him for doing something within the line of his duty? How could this be? He shifted his eyes, drawing in another breath as he noticed the boy’s robes were absent and now in place, muggle clothing. He could see the lithe form underneath the thin material of the boy’s white shirt. Was he enticed by this boy? Of course he wasn’t; never would he be.

Harry moved to sit at the couch and Severus found himself yet again not able to withdraw his eyes from the boy’s body. “I think I am ready to gather the magic and memories, sir.” Severus brought his eyes back to the boy’s face and nodded slightly, walking over and sitting down near him. Suddenly he was aware of every movement Harry made, every breath he took. Placing a hand over the boy’s back, he closed his eyes and watched as Harry went to gather the orb, with success this time.

Harry looked up, feeling slightly better as well as more controlled. When he looked up to his potion’s professor, he couldn’t suppress a gasp at those eyes that glared at him. Was that…lust? No, it couldn’t be. Snape would never feel that way for him, ever! But, those eyes told a different story. Harry felt the eyes bore into him and his body became excited, against his will.

Severus immediately removed his hand, his eyes turning away from the boy. He was angry, not with Potter, but with himself. He cursed the old coot that forced him to train the boy. He blamed his loneliness, the reason why these desires appeared. He sneered, “Good, Potter. I can see that a near-death experience has pushed your intelligence a little for us to continue.”

Harry gritted his teeth. He knew that it wasn’t lust he saw in those eyes; it was merely the fact that the man was thinking about the incident before. Maybe Snape had saved him just out of duty and there was no real worry in those words. He mentally slapped himself for ever thinking Snape carried some kind of good emotion. The bastard is cold and always will be, Harry thought angrily.

“You are dismissed. I will expect you at my quarters tonight, same time as the last. I need to get the proper items ready for the practice, so I will need time to prepare them.” He shifted out of the seat and immediately went to the dungeons to begin brewing the calming potions.

Harry sighed out, realizing that he wouldn’t be able to concentrate today with that on his mind. It was going to be a long day, and with how he just reacted, his teenage hormones were creeping out of the bag he tried to hold them in. He left the dungeons, glancing only once at Snape as he passed through the area and noting that the man turned to look at him as well. Now that was certainly not like Snape.

~*~

“Harry!” Hermione appeared from outside the library as he was passing the corner. She was carrying her usual amount of books, a smile present on her face. She came towards him, out-of-breath slightly.

“Hello, Hermione,” Harry stopped and turned to the girl, leaning slightly against the wall. “Where’s Ron?”

“Well, actually, I was just about to ask you the same question.” She looked at him, her eyes a bit wider than they were before. “You mean to say, he isn’t with you?”

Harry shook his head in response, “No, I have been in the dungeons for the past half-an-hour.” She looked at him, her eyebrow raised slightly. He gave her a forced smile and she shook her head slightly.

“Well, Ron left this morning, saying he was going to go look for you.” She looked at him once more and Harry couldn’t help but sigh out in frustration.

“Earlier today I was walking out on the grounds, so I didn’t see Ron.”

She nodded slightly and headed back for the Gryffindor tower. Harry, on the other hand, was setting out to look for his flaming-red-headed friend. He turned down the corridor, noticing the familiar boy from a mile away, with…

His eyes almost dropped from their sockets. He saw Ron, with Draco Malfoy. He watched the two from the hall, and almost gasped when they exchanged a soft kiss. Draco had Ron pinned to the wall, Ron’s arms hung loose around the silver-haired boy’s hips. Draco moved his head once more, leaning in and pressing his face completely to Harry’s best friends. His heart began to race and he turned, running down the hallway. He never would have believed someone if they had told him that Draco and Ron were down a hallway together, but now, he didn’t even know whether to believe his eyes.

He went down the hallway; his speed faster than it should have been, passing many wide-eyed students on his way. He felt an arm grabbed him and looked up into familiar dark eyes. “Mister Potter, what in Merlin’s name, are you doing?”

Harry was out of breath and couldn’t muster enough of his words through the dizzy haze he was in. He groaned softly, holding his head in his hands. Snape pulled him slightly and once again, he found himself in the dungeons. He looked up, completely surprised. Subconsciously, he had run here? He felt a blush creep over his face.

“What are you so flushed about, Potter?” The man’s tone crept over him, causing him to shiver inwardly. The arm was still being held and he was yet again ushered into another room, this time turning into Snape’s living quarters. He was forced to sit down and Snape to a seat in the chair across from the couch.

“What is it, Potter?” his voice was now a bit more forced and annoyed as he watched Harry fidget under his gaze. Harry finally looked up, his mouth dry and his body shaking.

“I…Well…Ron….uh…Draco…”

“Spit it out, Potter!”

“I saw Draco and Ron together, sir.” Harry couldn’t believe his ears, was he actually telling Snape about his best friend? He shouldn’t betray his friend like that; it wasn’t like it was that horrible.

“You saw them together?” Harry was awed at how understanding the man’s voice was. He nodded and put his face in his hands, trying to suppress the urge to run away from here and never speak of what he saw again.

Severus merely nodded at the boy, his eyes now a bit ridden with shock. So Weasley and Draco were having a bit of a relationship together and Potter just happens to catch them doing something to confirm this. What a pity, he thought. He looked up at Harry, who was now completely basking his face in guilt and covered it with his small pale hands.

Before Severus could catch himself, he clasped Harry’s hand and removed it from his face. He was kneeling in front of him, and quite aware of the boy’s shocked gaze on him. Had he just been gentle with Harry Potter? He felt something knot in his throat at the thought of being nice to James Potter’s son.

Harry watched his potion’s master, his eyes completely awestricken. His hands were still being held by the equally shocked man, gently. Harry felt his heart race against his chest, feeling a sort of comfort in those hands, but also an arousal. He leaned slightly, unaware of what he was doing until his nose touched the tip of his professor’s.

Severus couldn’t remove his hands, feeling them slowly turn underneath his, but make no attempt of freeing themselves. When he looked up, Harry had leaned in, touching his nose. He growled low in his throat, trying to suppress the urge to just close the distance between them and kiss the boy. He couldn’t hold out on his new found fantasies. He admitted, to himself, that the day was spent with accidents due to his mind turning corners and finally rest on the boy.

Harry was about to say some kind of apology, but when he saw the man shift uneasily, as though trying to battle internally with himself, he leaned completely forward, pressing his seeking lips to his professor’s. Severus was caught by the lips, he couldn’t deny them, and he pulled the boy closer, crushing his now dominating lips to the others.

Harry moaned in his throat, feeling Snape’s tongue slide against his bottom lip, teasing the soft skin it found there. Harry opened his mouth shyly as the intruding tongue parted his lips and seeped its mass inside the hot cavern.

Severus was too far gone to battle his urges, to grab what dignity he still had as he slowly mapped out the boy’s mouth and pressed further into the boy, pulling him against him and holding him tightly. Harry groaned with the kiss continuing passionately. He never knew that Snape could be gentle, yet arousing at the same time. His mind was growing into a mass of primal urges and desires, leaving his common sense and thought in the dust.

Severus caught himself, finally gaining his control back over his body and pulled away from the boy. “We can’t,” was his simple reply, but it sounded as though he was having a hard time forcing the words out of his mouth.

Harry groaned once more, a crimson blush creeping over his cheeks. “Sorry, sir.” He had never apologized to Snape before, but everyone needs to start somewhere. The man had saved his life countless times and he should begin to respect him, though it was getting harder with the game the man seemed to be playing.

“I’m your teacher and you are my student. We can’t.” No longer was Severus telling the boy this, but reminding himself out loud. Harry had already acknowledged the fact that it wasn’t something for them to be doing, but Severus was still battling his urges. It had been so many years since he had gotten this close to someone. To be honest, he missed the compassion and the touches. But Harry was his student, and since when had it become Harry?

Harry was watching him, his eyes a bit confused, but at the same time ashamed. “Sir?” he started nervously, since the man hadn’t pulled away yet and he was feeling his hormones creep down to his most favored organ. Snape looked at him and merely shook his head.

“Harry, I…” Since when had his professor called him Harry, and since when had the most feared and well articulated potion’s master have a loss for words? Harry felt his heart beat faster than it had ever done before. A reminder of his situation was given when he looked down and noticed that the man was also, aroused? Oh Merlin, Harry thought, groaning.

“It can be our secret,” he heard himself say, hope drowning the words. Harry couldn’t believe he would ever say that, but he blamed the Gryffindor courage. Snape watched him for what seemed like years, stuck in a battle between his wants and desires and what was right.

~*~

Author’s notes: I know I am pretty evil for leaving it off like this, but can you blame me? I don’t really know what to do, so I am going to have to think for the night on what would be the best situation and ideas. If you think you have a good idea, suggest with reviews.