Pains and Contradictions

A/N: Thank you to all who have reviewed and sent your wonderful compliments and criticisms my way. Thanks to my beta reader Laurenke1 for a plot read and to Torina Archelda, who once again put in hours to give this chapter a great grammar and plot wash. Snape had a few lines in this chapter that were very difficult to nail down and she helped admirably. I'm sorry for being slower to update but the chapters have been doubled in size so I hope that makes up for it. Please let me know if you're enjoying the story. It's so much fun to write.

I know there's no update alter list on aff.net but I am altering by email. If anyone would like to be on the update list, leave your email in your review. Thanks!

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Harry Potter and Remus Lupin approached the entrance to the gates of Hogwarts together, still walking in silence. Remus was hesitant to break it as he led the younger man to the Great Hall where dinner was no doubt being served. They had both missed lunch and a piece of chocolate was no substitute for a good meal.

Harry stopped abruptly, as the door to the Great Hall opened, revealing Professors Dumbledore, McGonagall and Hagrid sitting together, talking softly to themselves. The atmosphere of the hall was awkward, and though Harry knew Snape would have mocked him for feeling this way, he knew it was because of him.

All that is going on around you actually has nothing to with you, Harry.

As he halted, he pulled Remus' sleeve and shook his head as the man turned to look at him. "I can't go in there, Remus. Not right now."

Remus took in the young man in front of him. His face was pale and filthy with streaks of tears making tracks in the dirt. His clothes were drenched in sweat and sticking to him. He was still shaking slightly, undoubtedly from both the physical exertion and the emotional turmoil of the last day.

The older man found that he couldn't deny him this small request. "Alright, Harry. Would you like to go to my room to clean up?"

Harry shook his head and edged away from the door to the Great Hall, "No, not really. I'd....um... well, I'd like to check on Snape actually. I haven't been in to see him since I left in the morning."

Harry looked incredibly nervous for a young man who only wanted to visit his professor. Remus couldn't help but think that this was the second time Harry had chosen to be with Severus of his own free will.

But again, Remus could see no reason to deny him and besides, he really wasn't in charge of Harry. He was with him now because he knew what the silence that came after death felt like and he would not have Harry suffer that like he had. Smiling, he told Harry, "Alright, then. Let's go pay Severus a visit."

***********************

As soon as the two men walked into the infirmary, Harry was almost instantly by Severus' side. He sat down at the chair that still sat beside the unconscious Potions Master and seemed to observe him quietly.

Remus came up behind him and viewed the man on the bed. He was still asleep, his skin more pale than normal. There was a light scar from his cheek to his chin where Remus had apparently not been quick enough to heal the cursed wound to prevent it from scarring.

Except for his pallid complexion, Severus looked much as he usually did. Seeing that Harry was lost in thought, he turned to the sound of a door opening and saw Poppy Pomfrey exiting her office.

"Ah, I thought I'd see the two of you this evening." She had smiled as she saw Remus but her face fell as Harry turned his head from his view of the bed. He really did look awful, Remus thought.

Intentionally toning down her cheery tone, she asked Harry, "And how are you this evening, Mr. Potter?"

Harry nodded to her and gave a smile that was obviously forced. "I'm fine, thank you, Madam."

Remus could see several bottles in Poppy's hands and wanted to speak to the mediwitch alone for a moment.

"Harry why don't you use the facilities to clean up a bit? I'm sure Poppy won't mind, would you, Poppy?"

Poppy shook her head and said, "Not at all. There are some nightclothes in the drawers that you can use, if you'd like." She pointed towards the door that Remus knew to be the washroom and Harry nodded and stood up.

He waited until the door was shut before he asked, "How is he, Poppy?"

Poppy gave a soft smile and walked over to Snape's bedside. "He's on the mend. I was very frightened that Albus hadn't arrived in time, but it seems his prognosis from yesterday will ring true. It will be a month or two before he's back to his normal self, but I have every reason to believe he'll make a full recovery."

Remus let out the breath he had been holding, happy to hear the mediwitch's words. "Thank Merlin. Poor Severus has suffered too much in this war already."

Poppy nodded and administered a potion to Snape, completely at ease with opening the wizard's mouth and massaging his throat to aid his swallowing.

Remus cleared his throat and with no small sense of hesitation said, "I have a feeling Harry will be wanting to stay here again tonight."

Poppy nodded. "I thought as much. It does seem odd that after years of nothing but venom between them the boy would take such an interest in our Severus." She finished administering the potions and turned to Remus, looking as though she had something to say but not wanting to say it.

Remus relieved her of the responsibility. "Is something wrong, Poppy?"

Poppy shook her head. "Wrong? No. Something odd I saw last night. I wouldn't bring it up actually, but seeing as you are close to Mr. Potter..."

"Did something happen?"

"No, not really." Poppy walked around to wear Remus was standing to address him directly. "The charms that alter me to Severus' condition went off last night, but he wasn't in any pain. I didn't know what was wrong, so I came out to the main ward and saw Harry Potter leaning over his bed, holding his hand. It was an odd sight to see, indeed."

Remus' eyebrows lifted a bit, as he said, "Well, that was certainly kind of him. After the day he experienced yesterday, I wouldn't doubt Harry's desire to see that Severus was alright. Was he troubled in his sleep?"

"He seemed fine, actually. I told Mr. Potter he shouldn't be taking such liberties with the man when he wasn't able to voice an objection, but when he tried to release Severus' hand, he held onto it. I'm not entirely sure he knew whose hand he was holding."

Remus let out a small laugh, hiding his confusion. "Well, after what happened last night, I would be surprised if even a man such as Severus wouldn't want some form of human comfort. He can try to deny it as much as he wants but he is flesh and blood."

Poppy nodded, but did not seem to completely agree.

Remus didn't either.

"Well, will you be going back to your room for the evening?"

"No, I think I'll let Harry get some sleep, take over night duty."

At Poppy's frown, he said, "He knows that the castle is safe, but I think he'd feel better if someone was here. I don't think he wants to be alone right now."

Poppy nodded, and said, "Well, I'll have a few trays brought up for dinner, then. I have to go to my office to prepare something for Severus. I don't want him to be awake for very long, should he wake at all. This is a mild sleeping potion and should put him right out." She handed Remus a small bottle.

Remus nodded as the mediwitch took her leave and stepped into her office.

Harry was still in the shower a few minutes later when two dinner trays appeared. Not wanting to be rude, Remus ignored his hunger and went to sit at the unconscious man's bedside.

He studied the man's face in his sleep. His features seemed a bit more twisted than they had been moments ago. Remus leaned back in his chair, unwilling to risk startling the man should he wake suddenly.

Not a minute later, black eyes opened slowly and blinked, the light from the infirmary no doubt harsh on them.

Severus seemed to take a moment to adjust to his surroundings and took in the man at his bedside. A look of surprise and slight disappointment ran across his face.

"Lupin?" The man's voice was still hoarse from last night's screaming.

"Severus." Remus leaned a little closer to the Potions Master and said, "How are you feeling?"

Snape made an effort to roll his eyes, but it seemed like even that movement gave a burst of excruciating pain. "Like my bones were set on fire. Where's Potter? He was here?"

Remus seemed to sense the question in that last statement and nodded. "Cleaning up. He's had quite a rough few days. Do you remember what happened?"

Snape shook his head minutely before seeming to realize what an awful idea that was. "No. I remember what happened after my summons and being questioned a bit harshly by the Dark Lord before he gave me over as a play thing to his most enthusiastic Death Eaters." Severus paused to catch his breath. "The last thing I can recall is Lucius casting that dark curse. How did the Order know what had happened?"

Remus looked over to the washroom where Harry was still bathing. Not especially wanting to talk about him when he wasn't there, he weighed his answer carefully.

"Harry had a vision, Severus."

Snape raised an eyebrow, obviously not liking where this conversation was going. "A vision? It was my understanding that the Dark Lord is Occluding him and has been since that unfortunate incident last year." If he sneered a bit at the word 'unfortunate,' Remus was gracious enough not to call attention to it.

"Yes, I only learned that today myself. Nevertheless, Harry did have a vision. He witnessed your torture by Voldemort and he saw you being handed over to Lucius Malfoy." Remus paused, not looking forward to the explosion he knew was on the horizon.

Snape seemed to sense his hesitance, and not one to settle for any type of hypocrisy, pressed Remus on; "And he then gave everyone in his immediate vicinity a cardiac arrest from the shock of doing the sensible thing, meaning he informed the headmaster and the Order, whose collaborative efforts managed to liberate me from what was surely certain death." It wasn't really a question, Remus noticed.

Remus gave a small grin.

"That would be a bit out of character for Harry, now wouldn't it?" Remus met Snape's eyes as they darkened and the man's mood visibly changed. How odd that a man who was on his back in the hospital wing and could barely move could still make his rage so well known.

"That reckless brat...." Snape whispered the statement maliciously. "How?"

"It's not my story to tell, Severus. Suffice to say that Harry saw that you were in mortal peril and rescued you, singlehandedly. He brought you back to Hogsmeade, where I met him with a portkey to the hospital wing. You've been unconscious for a day and night."

Remus knew he shouldn't be the one to inform Severus as to his condition and was hesitant to bring it up. He was rescued from what was sure to have been a bumbling attempt at kindness and consolation when Snape asked, "How long was I under the curse?"

"From Harry's estimate, a little less than half an hour."

Snape closed his eyes and breathed deeply. Remus knew what he was thinking.

Nerve damage. It wasn't untreatable but he would be out of action for a while. He should consider himself very fortunate. Another ten minutes and the damage to his nervous system would have been permanent and his brain functions would have been affected.

"Severus," Remus began hesitantly. The man looked up to meet Remus' eyes. "What exactly has happened between you and Harry in the last day?"

For a moment Severus seemed to pale even further, which Remus would have thought was impossible. The slight hesitancy coming from Severus was an odd thing to see. In any normal circumstance, he would have barked out an answer already and denied any change of feeling between himself and the boy he had so hated.

Then the man seemed to relax, whatever had been troubling him seeming to fade away in an instant.

"Potter and I had a... discussion on the train ride to his relatives' home," Severus said after being silent for only a moment. "I am not at liberty to divulge all that was said. Suffice to say that we came to a certain understanding."

Remus nodded. "He's been very concerned about you. He wouldn't let you out of his sight last night. He held vigil by your bedside, from what I understand. He would have been here all day if...." Remus trailed off.

Snape grew suspicious. "If what?"

Remus smiled softly. "I think I'll let Harry tell you that later, as well. Quite a lot has happened in the last twenty hours or so that you've been asleep."

"Obviously," Snape sneered a bit, traces of his lethal sarcasm leaking onto his tired features.

Remus chuckled a bit, then sobered quickly. "Severus... I know that you don't especially like Harry, but his attitude towards you seems to have changed. He's going through a very difficult time right now and I'd appreciate it if you didn't try to intentionally hurt him. We both know your tongue can cut through flesh when you put your mind to it."

At first, that comment seemed to draw a rage from Snape and Remus instantly regretted having said it. He knew very well both from his time as a professor here as well as from talking with Harry, that his relationship with Severus was strained at the best of times. However, Remus belatedly realized that perhaps Harry's feelings weren't the only ones that changed in the last day and a half.

"I'm sorry, Severus, I should not have assumed--" Remus began to speak, but was cut off.

With his most condescending tone Severus replied, "Contrary to popular belief, Lupin, I am not a completely heartless bastard. I will not kick the boy while he's down. There's enough history of grief in this room for the lives of ten men. I'll not add to his burdens."

Lupin nodded, his head tilted down at an angle at Snape's words. "I didn't really think you would, Severus," he whispered.

Both men heard as the water in the washroom was turned off and sounds of shuffling could be heard from within.

"Harry should be here in a moment. Would you like to speak with him now or wait until morning? I have a mild sleeping potion..."

Remus didn't get to finish his sentence before Snape interrupted, "The potion, now, if you please."

Lupin raised an eyebrow but uncorked the potion and made to put it in Snape's hand before thinking better of it and tipped it in the man's mouth before he could make a protest.

Snape's eyelids immediately began to fall shut, just as Harry opened the door and exited the washroom.


***********

The darkness in the infirmary was once again augmented only by the light of the moon in the dark of night. Snape woke slowly, shifting a bit in his bed in an effort to test the strength of his limbs. He groaned a bit too loudly when he shifted his back and felt like a small fire was lit underneath him.

His sound of displeasure must have woken the person sleeping next to him. The figure shifted in his bed and sat up. Reaching for something on the stand next to the bed, Harry Potter put on his glasses and picked up his wand and said, "Lumos."

Snape closed his eyes to the small light coming from Harry's wand. Conscious of the fact that they were surely not the only two in the room, he grumbled, "Put out that light, Potter, or you'll have Lupin swarming over me like a vulture over a carcass."

Sure enough, turning his head minutely, he saw Lupin asleep in a bed, slightly farther away than Harry's. He was sleeping on his back, but almost in a sitting position, his wand in his hand. He had probably done that for Harry's sake, Snape realized. Hogwarts was one of the few places in the world where one could sleep almost peacefully, even in times such as these.

Harry put out the light and rose, coming around the foot of his bed to sit at his side as he had last night.

The anger Snape had felt earlier at the idiotic risk Harry had taken to save his life came back in a rush to his senses. He was awake and coherent enough to disabuse the notion that Harry should ever put himself in danger ever again for anyone, least of all himself. After all the times he had risked his own life to save Harry's, he could not fathom how the young man would go and do something so foolish that would more likely than not get him killed.

Turning his head and opening his mouth to berate the younger man, something happened, yet again, to Snape that he had never before experienced.

In his few waking thoughts between then and now, he had tried to convince himself that the events of last night were a fluke, and that the loving touch of Harry's hand on his was nothing more than pity and guilt after a long, shared, horrid day. Surely the pain and the potions that had been poured down his throat in an effort to numb it were to blame for his emotional stupidity. The memory of that hand's gentle touch must have been augmented by his own near death experience and the thoughts of Lily that had been on his mind all day.

Looking up at Harry now, his breath caught in his throat and he was struck speechless for the first time in memory as he realized how wrong he was.

Harry looked exactly the way he had last night, save for the foggy haze that had surrounded him. Gone was the boy he had seen only days ago. In his place was a very handsome young man, his face beautiful in its grief that had no doubt aided in his recent maturity. His eyes were looking straight at Snape's and he recalled thinking yesterday that those eyes had seemed to burrow into him.

He cursed himself for his sentimentality but could not look away. He had always been wary of lies of the flesh. A person could lie not only with their words but also their body. He searched Harry's expression but could not find any falsehood. The look Harry was giving him wasn't pity; Harry was looking at him as though he was the most important person in the world.

"I have something of yours," Harry said. He hesitantly stood up and pulled something out of the back pocket of his jeans. Slowly extending his hand, he revealed Snape's own wand that had been taken from him soon after he had answered the Dark Lord's summons.

Relief spread over him as he looked at the familiar wand in Harry's hand. When it had been taken from him, he'd had the horrible feeling that he would never see it again. He'd had that wand since he was eleven years old, when Mr. Olivander had first put it in his hand. 'Ash, dragon heartstring core, twelve and a half inches. Sturdy and good for hexes.' He had smiled when he'd first heard that.

Slowly, he raised his right hand to take the wand from Harry. The tremors shook his hand violently, the nerve damage the curse had wrought on him becoming apparent to both men. For a moment he contemplated putting his hand down, not wanting to appear weak in front of the man who had shown such courage for his sake, but he knew that of his many faults, he was not a coward.

He hadn't meant to touch Harry at all but as he took the wand from him, his fingers touched his palm briefly and the warmth that spread through him at that simple touch both shocked and disturbed him. He had never had such a reaction simply from touching the palm of another man's hand.

If Harry had felt his amazement, he didn't show it. He gripped the ash in his hand and felt it sing softly for him. Content in that moment, he allowed himself to relax briefly. Though he knew he was safe at Hogwarts, he had never been without his wand for so long. He had missed it like he would have missed his arm and silently rejoiced at having it back again.

"Thank you, Potter," was all he said to the younger man as he rested his now tired arm, still firmly holding onto his wand.

Pushing aside his desire to ask about Harry's reckless rescue of his person, he asked something that was more pressing to him at the moment. "How did you manage to acquire this?"

Harry lowered his eyes and ran his hand through his hair. Snape was beginning to notice this as something he did when nervous. He seemed to steel himself as he raised his gaze to Snape and said, "Draco Malfoy gave it to me."

Mention of the youngest Malfoy brought a scowl to Snape's face as he tried to put his mind around what Harry had just told him. There was no way either Lupin or Dumbledore would have allowed Harry to leave the wards that made Hogwarts the most fortified castle in all of Britain. That must have meant that Draco had brought the wand to him.

"He was here?" Snape questioned.

Harry nodded.

Something must have happened; Harry was nervous and agitated as he sat in the chair next to him. Lupin had said something to this effect and so Snape asked, "What happened?"

Harry sighed and said, "I was with Remus and the headmaster in his office when Professor McGonagall came to tell me that Malfoy was in the Great Hall and wanted to meet with me." He paused and took a deep breath, obviously preparing himself to tell whatever came next.

"He gave me your wand and he asked me if I knew what assignment Voldemort gave you."

Snape once again inwardly seethed at hearing his old master's name but decided, again, to say nothing to this. "What did you tell him?"

Harry gulped audibly. Looking down at his feet, he said, "I didn't want to reveal anything he didn't already know, so I just said that I had heard something on my way out."

Snape gave a very weak chuckle, imagining the youngest Malfoy's face at that snide quip. "I imagine you enjoyed that, didn't you, Potter?"

He must have said the wrong thing because Harry immediately tensed. Sensing there was more to the story, Snape attempted to gloss over whatever it was he had said to hurt the young man. "What did he say after that?"

"After that we kind of talked about your.... er.... assignment." Harry began to twist his fingers around in his lap, looking anywhere but at Snape.

The man in question frowned. "How much did you hear?"

Harry looked at him again, "I heard that you're supposed to get close to me, get me to trust you." Harry paused and frowned a bit before he continued. "I doubt you heard, but Voldemort was pleased with you when I went to find you. He seemed to think it was a good thing that I cared enough to rescue you."

No, Snape hadn't heard that. He hadn't had the capacity for higher brain function at the time. The anger Snape had felt earlier on this subject began to come back but he quashed it for now. He needed to know what Draco had done to Harry to augment the young man's grief.

"What did Draco say, Potter? Whatever he said obviously upset you. Tell me the main point of the conversation."

Harry looked up from his lap and into Snape's eyes. "He asked me to look out for you, to help protect you," Harry's handsome face twisted as he said this, giving Snape the impression that the very idea of helping his most hated professor was something he would be loathe to do.

Snape gave a snide, dark chuckle. "What's the matter, Potter? Does the idea of befriending your greasy bastard of a Potions Master disgust you so much?"

Harry's head snapped back and his back went from hunched to completely straight in an instant. "Of course not!"

He ran a hand through his hair and stood up, as he said in a stage whisper, so as not to wake Lupin, "No, it was the nerve of that little bastard, that spineless little ferret to come to me after he stood there and watched you being tortured.... He had the audacity to come here, after all of that and ask me to look out for you?!"

Harry was pacing by his bed now, his anger pouring out of him. "He was watching as they were torturing you! I saw him! He was standing there and did nothing and he has the gall to tell me to protect you. That bloody little coward!"

Harry was panting by the end of his outburst. Snape wasn't faring much better.

Frankly, he was shocked. He knew Harry well enough to know that he wouldn't let him be tortured to death, but that went for almost every other human being on the planet. The Gryffindor's heroic impulse would naturally drive him to rescue anyone. But this defense of himself was completely unexpected. Harry was genuinely angry on his behalf. Once again, the young man baffled him, just as he had on the train where he gave that unspoken forgiveness to Snape's confession of his worst sin.

Harry took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes. Not looking at Snape, he whispered, "Besides, after what you told me yesterday, what kind of person would that make me if that were true, Professor?"

Once again, Snape was shocked by Harry's confession. Having no idea how to respond to such a statement and sensing that the conversation was becoming too much for the boy, as well as himself, he aimed for levity. "A sane one, Potter. No one would blame you for steering clear of my presence, I assure you."

Harry took his hands from his face and opened his mouth to reply but Snape cut him off. "What else happened, Potter? Draco's cowardice is not the only thing that upset you."

Harry paused for a moment, saying nothing. Still on his feet, he took his wand from his pocket, casting a silencing charm. Snape raised an eyebrow but said nothing. The young man ran his hands through his hair again and paced the floor near Snape's bed. Patience not being one of the man's virtues, he quickly tired of Harry's abrupt movements and spat out, "Out with it, Potter."

"I shook his hand."

As benign as that statement sounded, he could hear the disgust that was dripping from Harry's voice as he had said it. He waited for him to continue, assured that this was not the end of the matter.

He didn't have to wait long. "I don't suppose you know how I first came to meet Malfoy?"

Harry was looking at the wall behind Snape's head so he answered with a verbal, "No."

Harry put his arms around his chest and looked to the ground. He shuffled his feet and said, "I had met him once before and didn't really like him. He was being the rude little snot that he is and I just had a feeling about him. Then when I first came onto the Hogwarts Express, I sat in a compartment with Ron."

Harry's voiced broke at voicing his friend's name. He heard him breathe deeply a few times and waited a moment for him to continue.

"Ron was nice to me from the start. He knew who I was already, of course, everyone knew me. But he was nice to me. We were talking when suddenly Malfoy came into the compartment and introduced himself. Then he looked at Ron like he was seeing some kind of..... peasant." Harry's breath was coming quicker now, visibly upset.

"He made fun of his hair and his robes, made Ron feel awful. He always was self-conscious about his family's problems with money..." Harry trailed off for a moment and then continued, "And then Draco extended his hand to me. Well," Harry sneered, "you can imagine what happened next."

"You refused his hand," Snape spoke softly. He quietly admired the devotion Harry had had to a boy he had barely met. His sense of right and wrong had been present early in life, it seemed.

"Yeah. So after that moment--" Harry jammed his fists together.

"You became enemies. I recall the venom between the two of you, even in that first year. I remember writing it off as typical house rivalries, but I should have known something more had occurred."

"When I first came to Hogwarts, I didn't even know about house rivalries enough to have them," Harry confessed softly. He took in another deep breath. "Well, that's what happened. But last night... you almost died. And after yesterday... if I can do something to help you, I will. And so earlier, in the Hall..." Harry trailed off.

"He extended his hand again... and this time you took it," Snape said, attempting to hide the sense of wonder and gratitude that was threatening to invade his voice.

Snape told himself that the young man had done it for the good of the Order and their cause, but something inside of him was whispering, no, he did it for you.

For him. Harry had taken his enemy's hand for him. He had no idea how to react to this information; there was nothing in his life it was comparable to. No one had ever committed such a self-sacrificing act for himself. It was beyond comprehension.

It occurred to Snape what was tormenting Harry. He watched the boy as he stood there, visibly trembling, arms still around his torso, head down. He had taken the hand of his enemy, the son of the man who had murdered his best friend. He had done it for the good of the Order but he had also done it for Snape.

The fact that the guilt Harry was suffering was due to Potions Master was not lost on him.

As loathe as he was to offer any kind of comfort, he knew he had to at least attempt it for the young man in front of him. As much as he would like to forget about Harry's kindness towards him last night, it was currently burned into his memory. He took in the young wizard before him, seeing his obvious disgust with his actions and made the decision to act. Perhaps his words wouldn't have much of an effect on the younger man, but he would make an honest attempt.

"You did the right thing, Potter. Make no mistake, Draco Malfoy is a Death Eater. If he has some...affection for me, that only means he would be willing to give up information for my sake. Having him think you trust him was the smartest move you could have made in that situation."

Harry scoffed. "He said he was in love with you."

Snape stilled, "He said what?"

Harry looked up to face the man finally and repeated, "He said he was in love with you."

Snape's face took on a justifiable look of disgust. "That would almost be humorous if it wasn't so very disturbing."

Harry let out a gasped laugh, almost bordering on a sob. "Those were my thoughts exactly."

Snape didn't know exactly what it was Harry had laughed at. He realized that the young man was probably disgusted at the idea of anyone ever loving the former Death Eater. He was partially inclined to agree with him. The idea of anyone having feelings for him was disturbing. Some feeling that he did not recognize was taking up residence in his throat. He pushed that aside and tried to concentrate instead on the feeling of righteous indignation that his student would dare to think about his personal life, but his heart wasn't in it. The fact that he cared at all of what Harry thought surprised him.

Snape was torn between issuing a scathing retort and remaining silent. Before he could do either, Harry continued, "I mean, who in their right mind could ever love Malfoy?"

Snape blinked. Then he gave a soft laugh at the unexpected comment. Not knowing what to think about any of this, he returned to his earlier topic. "Potter." Harry's eyes met his. "Mr. Weasley would have understood. You did not betray your friend. You did what was necessary on a larger scale to see that his murder is avenged."

Harry's eyes began to tear. He lowered his head again and walked the few steps to the chair by his bedside.

"Then why does it feel like I have? Why did it feel like I was stabbing him in the back?" Harry questioned, his voice a hard whisper. "Remus was with me when it happened, he said the same thing; that it was necessary to get Malfoy to trust me so he would be willing to give us information on your behalf."

So the wolf had some cunning after all. Snape shouldn't have been as surprised as he was.

"I washed my hands for ten minutes after Malfoy left. I just couldn't believe I had actually touched him. It felt so wrong but..."

Harry paused and Snape could sense his hesitance to tell him something of import. Feeling that he wouldn't be able to be an active member of this conversation for very much longer, he prodded the young man. "But what, Potter?"

Harry looked up at him, his eyes shining with unshed tears. Words like 'beautiful' came to Snape's mind before he could properly control himself. Burying that thought and the guilt that went along with it, he focused on what Harry was saying. "Do you remember what you told me on the train? About how you felt like you were an instrument of Fate, that night?"

Snape didn't have to be reminded of the conversation or to what night Harry was referring to. He simply said, "Yes."

Harry nodded and said very slowly and with great hesitation, "I felt that.... with Malfoy, in the Hall."

Snape raised an eyebrow. As much as he wanted to simply cast off what Harry was saying as melancholy dramatization of a very emotional event, he paused before criticizing him. Something in the young man's demeanor told him that Harry was very serious.

His silence must have been taken as a wish to continue. "He told me he was in love with you and he asked me again to protect you. And then he put out his hand." A single tear fell from Harry's eyes. He wiped it off and carried on, obviously trying to steel his voice.

"I was going to spit on it."

Snape stifled a laugh at that. He could imagine Malfoy's reaction to Harry's bodily fluids on his person.

"I wanted to tell him to go to hell, curse him for a coward and run him off. And I was going to but... something stopped me."

Snape's eyes met Harry's and the young man continued, "I heard, well no, not exactly heard but felt something almost in my ear, telling me to take his hand. It wasn't a voice, I know I'm not going crazy..."

He looked to Snape, as though he wanted that fact confirmed. Two days before, Snape would have enjoyed making some comment on his mental status, but he could only nod now and say, "Go on."

"The little hairs on my neck stood straight up and I could feel that thing we feel sometimes. That thing that happens whenever I let myself think about the prophecy. I could feel it, as well as I could feel any tangible, real thing. It said to take his hand."

We feel.

Snape was repeating that phrase Harry had spoken in his head. He'd never really felt camaraderie before this moment and Harry didn't seem disturbed to share something like this with him. He'd been alone for most of his life and a spy for half of it. It was an odd feeling to experience.

Harry was looking at him silently, obviously awaiting his opinion on what he had just told him. As much as he wanted to simply brush it off, he felt that Harry was telling him this for a reason. He doubted very much that either Lupin or Dumbledore would be privy to the information he had just heard. He also doubted that they would believe it.

But like Harry, Snape had felt that cruel choke around his neck. He'd felt it the night he had gone to the Dark Lord and he'd felt something like it several times since then. The night he had gone to Dumbledore, begging for the life of his friend, for instance. He knew without a doubt what side he was destined to be on in this war. The fact that he had started on the opposite never left his mind.

Harry was still waiting for his response. "We have no idea how what happened in the last two days will affect the war, Potter. Your actions today may very well give us an advantage that we would not have had had you acted differently. Draco Malfoy is at the center of a heinous group of individuals who would love nothing more than to kill you and the headmaster. I have no doubt that Draco is as much a Death Eater as his father, and any information he would be willing to give to you, even if it is only in the name of saving my life, would be advantageous to our cause."

"He hasn't been marked."

Snape lifted an eyebrow to that but said in a droll voice, "I'm not surprised. Unless I'm mistaken, last night was his first meeting. The headmaster would have no doubt checked him for the mark at some time in the next school year. It would not be to the Dark Lord's advantage to have his spy taken out of the game so early."

Harry nodded. His eyes were dry now and he seemed to have calmed. The slumped shoulders and weary posture he had commanded earlier had left him sometime during their conversation. Snape once again wondered how anything he said could have said would have such a positive effect on the young man.

There was silence between them for a moment and despite the control that he had taken years to perfect, Snape found himself drawn to the face of the boy who had been so kind to him. He had no idea how he was going to deal with what had occurred last night. Harry seemed to not be troubled by it at all, and why should he? As far as he knew, the young man had only been trying to offer a bit of comfort to the man who had saved his life. He had no idea the effect that he had had upon Snape, that his reaction had been so perverse. He knew that he had to hide whatever he felt away; a sin to keep at the very bottom of the darkest closet.

Pushing those thoughts out of his head was difficult, so he turned away from Harry's face. He again saw Lupin, still asleep, grasping his wand. He thought back to their earlier conversation, when Lupin had all but accused him of laying in wait, eager to verbally abuse the grief-stricken young man who had rescued him.

He inwardly seethed at the thought of the utter audacity of Remus Lupin, who had been conveniently absent from Harry's life all year, suddenly acting as the boy's guardian. Where was he when the boy was needlessly suffering the guilt that came from Black's death? Snape had been acting as the boy's protector ever since he came to Hogwarts. He alone had witnessed his descent into that numb darkness over the last ten months.

The rage that had been slowly simmering all night was suddenly brought to the forefront of his mind. Now that Harry seemed to be in a more stable mindset, he thought now was the time to address it.

"Potter," he watched as Harry's gaze once again met his. "Lupin gave me a vague description as to what occurred last night." He watched as Harry took on an open look of trepidation, as though he knew what was coming. "From what I understand, you witnessed my questioning and torture at the hand of the Dark Lord."

He paused to let Harry nod at the statement.

"You then witnessed as he gave me my new assignment; to, for lack of a better word, befriend you, make you come to trust me."

Another nod.

"You then witnessed as he gave me over as a plaything to Lucius Malfoy."

Harry shuddered a bit but nodded again.

"Did you see anything else, after that?"

Harry shook his head. "No, I woke up after that. I contacted Professor Dumbledore and asked him if he knew where you were. He told me you had gone on an errand and I knew that the vision I was seeing was real... not like last time."

Snape nodded at that, and let out a breath. He would have worried for the fate of the wizarding world if Harry had not learned his lesson about visions he received from the Dark Lord after what happened with Black. There was that, at least.

"So you decided, after speaking with the head of the Order--" the distinction from "head of the Order" and "headmaster" was not lost on Harry-- "that you would take matters into your own hands and rescue me from certain damnation without even a guard to watch your back?"

It wasn't really a question.

Harry opened his mouth to protest but before he could get one word out, Snape whispered a hiss, "What in Merlin's name were you thinking?! What do you think I've been doing all these years, if not looking out for your worthless hide, you stupid boy! Were you listening to me at any moment on the train? The loss of my life would be a mere inconvenience, whereas the loss of yours would be catastrophic. I am loathe to think that you would do something so foolish..." Snape's tirade broke off as he gasped for air, still weak from the curse.

Harry leaned over him and before he could protest, took his hand again, "Are you alright? Do you need me to get Madam Pomfrey?"

Snape couldn't think for the hand on his. Glancing over, he again saw that hand, slightly smaller than his own, wrap itself around his, holding it firmly.

He saw Harry as his eyes traveled to where his own were and he took in what he was doing. "Sorry," he said, as he let his hand go abruptly. Once again, he ached at its loss. His breath still coming in harsh gasps, he looked over at the young man who had saved his life. He knew now, without a doubt, that this wasn't something that had occurred due to some potions induced fever. He had never felt like this before for another human being, ever in his life.

Encounters with anonymous men over the years flashed before his eyes as he tried to tell himself that this thing, whatever it was, he was feeling towards Harry was the exact same thing. But even as he thought it, he knew it was a lie, and that he would be remiss to ever put Harry in a category with any of those men. This wasn't about sex, not at all. Though, the young man was beautiful, this was something Snape had never felt before and he no idea how to go about naming it.

And he wouldn't. Whatever feelings he might have for the boy were wrong, even if they weren't borne from pure desire. Any thought he had toward Harry that was even bordering on something more than platonic was reprehensible. Even ignoring the age difference and the fact that this young man was his student, there was no way he could ever seek to tarnish Harry's purity with something as dark and twisted as himself.

He once again reminded himself of why he had chosen to live life alone and that he was content with it. He had never experienced loneliness before. One couldn't miss something if one didn't believe he had the right to it.

He reaffirmed what he had told himself last night; there was no room for weakness now. He had taken advantage of the young man's kindness once, he wouldn't do it again. He had allowed himself that one moment of weakness and it was behind him. He wouldn't think on it now. Harry was his student and a good and forgiving soul. That was more than he had ever expected from the son of the people he inadvertently had killed.

Looking up again, he noticed the look of trepidation on that young face. He had been harsh in his earlier statements, but he knew he had every right to be. It wouldn't do for Harry to somehow become attached to him and take it upon himself to rescue him.

"Why, Harry? Why would you do something so utterly foolish as to put yourself in harm's way for me?"

Harry had looked very much the boy a moment ago, visibly chastised, shoulders slumped over. All traces of boyhood left his features as he straightened his back and looked him straight in the eye. "Because I hadn't received a vision from Voldemort since he started Occluding me last year. Because you saved my life that day. Because I was the only one who could have gotten past the wards and into Riddle Manor. Because I felt that same feeling I felt today in the Hall with Draco when I realized what was about to happen to you."

Such strength.

"You believe it was fated, then?" Snape asked.

Harry nodded. "How could it not be? I haven't seen one meeting, one torture or murder, nothing from Voldemort all year. He didn't want me to see what was going on, I knew that."

Snape sneered, "How did you know?"

"I just knew!" Harry shouted.

There was silence for a moment before Harry said, "Look, I didn't have a choice. I saw what was happening and after what you told me on the train, I knew I had to act. I had no choice."

Snape took a deep breath and paused for just a moment to gather his thoughts on the matter. He did not want Harry to misunderstand him.

"Listen to me, Potter. Listen well." He could see the moment when any previous anger left Harry's face as he made to listen to what Snape was about to tell him. "You always have a choice."

Harry protested, "I didn't. I couldn't have--"

"Yes, Potter," Snape interrupted. "You could have. You could have left me to die. Do not misunderstand-- and if I have not made this clear, I apologize-- but I am grateful to be alive."

Harry blinked at that.

"But you had a choice, you always have a choice. You could have left me to die. You didn't," Snape voiced before Harry could interrupt again, "but you could have. That means you had a choice. Just like you had a choice in the Hall today."

Harry quieted down again at that.

"You could have ignored the voice and spat on Draco's hand. I could have ignored it and not told the Dark Lord the prophecy or not gone to Dumbledore after the consequences of my actions had become apparent. But I chose not to, believing at the time, as you did, that I did not have a choice."

Harry asked, "But didn't you?"

Snape shook his head, his voice growing tired. "We are not animals, Potter. We have a say in our own destiny. You have a prophecy to fulfill, but that does not assure that you will live to fill it out. Do not make the mistake of thinking yourself immortal."

Harry frowned at that, "I knew the risk when I made the decision to go to you. After what happened that day.... after what you told me... I knew what I had to do."

Snape shook his head, his eyelids beginning to fall, "Don't confuse Fate and inevitability. Just because something is meant to happen, doesn't mean it will. You could have easily been captured during your latest bout of nauseating heroics. You don't have to act on every foolish impulse that goes through that underused brain of yours."

"Alright, then. If I had chosen to ignore it or.... I don't know... been too afraid of what could have happened ---"

"A healthy sense of self-preservation is not the same as cowardice, Potter."

"Maybe," Harry said hesitantly. "But what kind of person would I be if I had done nothing? What kind of person would that make me if I could have just left you like that? Truth is, I didn't even really question what I had to do once I was sure you were there." Harry looked him straight in the eyes and said, "I mean, a man can only question himself so many times before he has to take action."

Snape closed his eyes. He could feel exhaustion threatening to claim him. "That's not a choice, Potter. That's letting circumstances do your thinking for you."

"No." Harry said, the hardness to his voice not belonging to a young man. "That's coming to a logical conclusion after you're faced with hard evidence. Why are you so angry about this? I thought you, of all people, would understand."

Snape grew angry at the assumption Harry had just made. "I of all people? Why is that, Potter? Because Fate has been so kind to me all my life?"

Harry paused and shifted his eyes from Snape's eyes to his hands. "No, but... it brought you here. And isn't that so much better than where you were before?"

Snape paused. That feeling of camaraderie, of not feeling quite so alone, returned. Having no idea how to even begin considering that question, he closed his eyes and let his fatigue take him.