The Pains of Becoming

(CHAPTER STARTS FURTHER DOWN THE PAGE)

A few thoughts by the author

MaryJane:

Thanks for your long review again!!

Interesting to see how you interpret this story and its characters! I was not that aware that I portray Snape in that way (caring/ paternal) But I see what you mean!

I can not see him comfort an 11year old after a nightmare to be honest. I would think he leaves that to older students maybe. I think he truly is a very distant person who can not handle social closeness and intimacy. And I think he is rather harsh, cold and demanding with his own students. He is persistent as well, though I do not think he was actually aware of the fact that he was giving Kirsty some real mental support there.

To me Snape’s obvious favorism of Slytherin means that he has some real Slytherin pride. He wants his house to be great and strong, which might make him quite demanding. -Do you remember in the 2nd film “the chamber of secrets”, after Harry knocks Draco to the floor in the duel, the way Snape looks down on Draco and pulls him up by the collar. -That gives me the idea that he will be quite harsh with his own students if they don’t live up to his expectations, even though generally he favours them.

It is fun interpreting what we know about his relationship with students from his house in a deeper way than explored in the books and the way I see it is that he feels highly responsible for his students and yes I do think, even though I wouldn’t say that he cares for Kirsty particularly he is personally concerned about what she is getting into, because he can see his own mistakes that he made in the past happening in front of his own eyes by watching her.

He might identify not only with her particularly in this situation, but in general with his other students in the way some parents do, who live their lives through their children. This I think he does. By his house being powerful and his students successful and strong, he can feel powerful and strong in the school that caused him so much humiliation when he was young.

About Lucius, it’s very interesting what you are saying! I think you are right, though I was not aware of that entire realistic aspect when I was writing it. But what I noticed while writing was that, as I identified myself with Kirsty in her encounters with Lucius, that when ever he says something kind of nice, when he praises her or touches her in a way that is not painful and maybe just normal, it becomes hugely powerful for her. From the start she was and had to be afraid of him. That was instantly an attraction, because lets face it: bad guys are just hot! But she also was abused by him right from the start so she is used to his cruelty in a way. I think she somehow knows that she has not much niceness to expect from him, but having that experience and underlying knowledge makes his rare, softer contacts with her extremely powerful and she will hang on to them and feed from them and draw her in even more.

In this following chapter is a moment where he strokes her hair and speaks softly to her. He is being very condescending in the same time but I felt this was one such moment, that she would simply crave and out of which she is taking some very much needed comfort, that is very powerful because from him that is something rare and special.

But I actually do not think that she has a to wrong fantasy image of him. She does not trust him, she always expects him to hurt her and I don’t think she has to big elusions about him ever falling in love with her or having feelings for her. A little yes, definitely! She does have the hope somewhere that they will always be together and he will accept her as some kind of companion but I think the bigger problem is that she simply thinks she deserves to be treated the way he treats her and she deserves not to be loved but only to be used. In a way she is comfortable in her role and believes he is right when he punishes her. I think it has to do with the way she grew up and the way she feels about herself. There is a lot of self hatred and self doubt, why will come out in the next few chapters.

But enough philosophised, lets get on with it!



Where were we? Oh yeah, Lucius had some business to attend to...hehe

One big hurray for Sajahi, the one who gets the beta job done!

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Chapter 9

An Unforgivable



Kirsty experienced the familiar dizziness as she felt a pull and the floor under her feet disappearing. An instant later she made contact with a hard stone floor. She held her head, was this ever going to get easier?



“Get up.” Said that cold voice from across the room before she even felt she had finished port-keying.



She looked up. A few metres away Lucius sat in a leather armchair, his cane in one hand. Her eyes quickly took in the room, it was a large, gloomy hall, but not like the one she had met him in first, this rather looked like a very spacious reception room, with a fireplace and a few tall book shelves, which reached the very high ceiling. Armchairs and sofas were spread out in the room and an expensive carpet lay in the centre.



“GET UP, girl!” His voice cut through the room. She hurried to her feet, already apologising



“I’m sorry, I… about the bracelet, I…”



“Undress.” He cut her off, his voice quiet again but showing a deep underlying anger.



She hesitated, “Umm…please, can I explain…”



“I did not think it necessary to repeat every command, undress!”



She hesitated, then she started to unbutton her black blouse. She really wanted to tell him how she did not mean to disobey him, how she had no choice but to hide the bracelet in her bag. And the more of her skin showed the more uncomfortable she became. She dropped her blouse to the floor. Her bra went too. As she fiddled with the zip on her skirt and looked to the floor to blank out his staring at her she started quietly again:



“I am really sorry, I only took it off for half an hour or so…. I had to, a teacher got suspicious of it.” She dropped her skirt on the floor and as she looked up again, she instantly stepped a step backwards. He stood in front of her. She had not noticed him getting up and walking over to her. In the moment she stepped backwards that cane of his lashed out and the sharp teeth of the serpent in its handle hooked into the waistband of her panties and with a swift pull he tore them off her. She gasped. His icy, grey eyes stared at her centre and he said absently,



“Your mouth is open and words are spilling forth, I rather dislike it at this time.” He pulled out his wand and placed the tip at her neck.



“Back on the floor with you.”



She lowered herself back down on the floor before him and looked back up at him, pleadingly, just how mad was he at her, it seemed hard to tell. What was he going to do with her?



“Crucio”



She heard the word and she knew what to expect but nothing could prepare her for what she felt next. Every molecule inside her burst into a piercing pain. Her mind was deadened by the pain, she could not think, nor did she have any control over her twitching body. Everything inside her that was alive was trying to build a defence to be able to put up with this terrible pain, and then it stopped. It was just gone and all that was left was exhaustion. She lay there catching her breath. She felt Lucius walking around her,



“I had hoped we could do without Unforgivables, but apparently not. How disappointing. Of course I have only myself to blame. I expected too much from you, I believed you would be capable of... understanding what it truly means to dedicate yourself to something and to be loyal.”



He grabbed her hair and pulled her head back then he shoved his lower arm under her nose, his sleeve was pulled back and she had a close view on the Dark Mark. So that was what it looked like.



“Do you think I can just take it off when it’s inconvenient?” He hissed, he let go of her and returned to his seat, “There is no way back from being a Deatheater. But you are not a Deatheater yet. You have the option of removing the bracelet and that is when I see that you fail me. Why did that teacher get suspicious? Because you behave suspiciously. Why did you take it off? Because it was the easy way out… and because you have no idea what it means to serve somebody, willing to sacrifice yourself or anything that is necessary to ensure you succeed. You still think that this is a game. But this weekend with me will teach you.”



“This weekend? I… people will miss me!” She whispered, alarmed. He sighed.



“You shall send an owl informing those that need to know, that you went home for the weekend. What an unhelpful attitude. I am beginning to get the feeling you do not really want to be a Deatheater.”



“I do.” She whispered, too intimidated now to speak at a normal level.



“Prove it.”



She looked at him from her position on the floor. He looked calmly back at her.



“I don’t know how.” She whispered.



He rolled his eyes slightly, “First of all, you might stop trying to cover yourself up. You are my property. You do not deny me to look at your body. After all it is mine to look at or not, as I desire.”



She quickly looked down at herself, she had not been conscious of the fact that she was covering up her breasts with her arms and her lower privates with her legs. She wanted to please him; she wanted him to think better of her. So she took all her courage and stood up straight in front of him, yet she was very uncomfortable doing so. He was not Draco, who was exited enough about seeing a naked woman close up that he would not care about the details.



She suddenly thought of Narcissa Malfoy again, how beautiful she was. Surely her own body was terribly imperfect in comparison to the body of his wife. And how many other pretty women he might have seen naked… she tried to look past him as she stared in front of her.

She felt her face heating up and her head pulsing with embarrassment as the seconds went by in silence.



“I’m sorry, I didn’t think you would be interested in my body, Sir.” She dared to say quietly to explain herself.



“I am not interested in your body, stupid girl; it is simply impolite to attempt to conceal what is mine.”



Silence again.



She had just got very conscious of the fact that she did not know what to do with her arms when he said, “Come closer.”



The now familiar feeling of rather wanting to run away, rather than come any closer spread out in her stomach... but there was also something magnetic about him which was stronger. She slowly stepped closer, but the closer she came the more uncomfortable it became for her to look down on him, it made her feel even more self-conscious. If that was at all possible at the moment.



“Get on your knees.” He ordered quietly, when she had arrived and he had directed her between his open legs, his eyes began glittering dangerously. Almost happily she got back to the floor, but she had a bad feeling where this was heading. He held eye contact with her as he slowly started to unfasten his trousers.



“Let us see how eager you are to serve.” He sneered. She couldn’t look at it, so she looked on the floor before her. What should she do? He was holding his cock in his hand so near her face, she knew what he wanted, but she could not do this.



“Umm….” she started nervously, “I … I can’t”



“Stop being so negative, you are starting to annoy me.” He said again in that quiet and dangerous voice.



“I just… I don’t know how.”She said, which was the truth... but more important to her was the fact that she had no desire to try, something he would surely not respect. He smiled, clearly entertained by her innocence.



“Oh, you will have to do a lot better to convince me of your loyalty.” She felt the tip of his wand against her cheekbone and she heard his sarcasm filled voice again,



“You are not trying to make me hurt you again, deliberately, are you? Because, it almost seems as though you are asking for pain. I dislike having to hurt a girl, you see, but if that is what you need in order to learn…”



“No, I want to please you.” She whispered, afraid he was about to hurt her.



“Well then… open wide, my pet.”



Reluctantly she touched his length with her fingers, noting how soft the skin was and that it actually felt really nice under her fingertips. So she moved a bit closer and slowly let her tongue slide over it. It was not so bad; she suddenly did not understand anymore why she had always thought she would never ever be able to do this. Girls in her year were always talking about it and she could never understand why they would want to do this; but now as she started licking and kissing it and experimentally sucking the tip she felt her own excitement build. She felt comfortable in front of him on the floor and was enjoying his hand immensely that had appeared after he had finally removed his wand. He softly stroked her hair and spoke quietly to her:



“That’s a good girl. You still have a long way to go, but you’re learning.”



She listened to every little noise he made to note if she was getting a reaction from him. She could hear him begin to breathe a bit heavier. And she was thrilled, feeling him harden between her lips and on her tongue, though it scared her as well. It reminded her of that first night and how painful it was and even though it dawned on her now, that it would not be the last time, she tried to blank it out. Yes she was fascinated by him and she could not help the fact that he turned her on, but his raping her had been terrible and she did not want to feel that ever again.



“You know, my pet, I need to tell you, I loved your pussy.” He said ever so quietly as he stroked her hair, “You were deliciously tight… I was your first, wasn’t I? I suppose I was a little harsh… just remember, please me and you will be rewarded, anger me and you will be punished, it is very simple once you have understood and you will learn everything about that in the next few days.”



He was breathing heavily now and his hand was now clutched possessively around the back of her neck and held her head in place. She was fascinated how hard and big his member had become. She was glad she had not seen it when he had first taken her, it would have frightened her even more. But she was surprised by his sudden release. She had been sucking on his tip and pulled away and in slight shock spit his cum on the floor and wiped her mouth. When she looked back up at him the back of his hand made painful contact with her face. The blow threw her backwards on the stone floor.



“Lesson number one, you don’t spit out pureblood seed as though it is vomit!” He pulled her back towards himself by her hair, “Clean it up!” He hissed and pushed her face towards the fresh stains on his trousers. She hesitated. He slapped her face again but caught her by her hair right afterwards so she did not get away, “You are making me angry, pet, you do not want to do that. I have a few more Unforgivables in store.”



The stains were only small, so she got over herself and started licking his trousers clean. She hardly tasted him, but then he pushed her off himself again. The hard stone floor bruised her knees and elbows, she cried out.



“Clean it up!” he repeated and Kirsty had to open her eyes to realise what he meant. He wanted her to lick the cum that she had spit out, off the floor. But again she hesitated. It was a lot more and the floor, though not dirty did not make it more tempting to taste either.



“Crucio.” She heard him say with a strange calmness and there it was again, the curse that made all the cells in her body hurt like they were bursting. It was too paralysing to even be able to scream and it did not stop for a long time… When it finally did, she had lost all sense of time, but realised slowly, it might still only have been a moment that had passed. She tried to move her body, but she had hardly any control over it, it seemed cringed away from her brain somehow, like a dying body with the unharmed mind stuck inside. It was a rather scary feeling. She heard him say softly,



“I can understand that you are not tempted to do this, and I would not ask you to, if you had not shown me such disrespect. You will have to make this up to me. And next time you will swallow it nice and clean and you will be eager to take it in what ever way I ask you to.”



As he spoke she could feel very slowly how her blood started to run normally again and a bit of strength and control seemed to come back to her. Yet it took her a lot of effort to turn onto her stomach and face the mess on the floor.



“You disgusting, dirty-blooded whore, do not dare to believe, that you are better than I.” He hissed.



“I don’t...” she whispered breathlessly, as she tried to speak it felt as though her lungs had shrunk, “Just take me, anyway you like.”



She wasn’t sure that she really meant this but it seemed the right thing to say. She was willing to say whatever he wanted; if it would ensure that she never felt that all consuming pain ever again and right now she did not feel her body anyway. It seemed like it wasn’t hers, therefore she didn’t care.



“No thank you,” he simply said, “clean it up.”



He walked towards the two winged door and left.



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That’s it for now, more Lucius action coming up in the next two chapters! So please come back and please keep reviewing!