For all Joy wants Eternity

For all Joy wants Eternity


Chapter 9

For the third time in the past 30 minutes, the
unnerving mixture of growing fear and impatience
made Remus jump up from the half-broken chair he had
drawn to a wall to leave as much free space as possible
in the small room, lest he get in Severus\'s way when
the Slytherin Apparated back from wherever he was
right now.

*If* Severus Apparated back...

Exhaling on a deep sigh, Remus tried to clear his mind,
to drive away the frightening thoughts and premonitions
that were attacking him, with a slight shake of his
head. None of those burning doubts and fears had
been gnawing at his conscience when he had slid under
James\'s, no, Harry\'s, Invisibility Cloak, when he had
left his quarters and once again taken his oh so very
familiar way to the Shrieking Shack. The darkness of
the tunnel beneath the Whomping Willow had swallowed
him, had welcomed him home with a clammy embrace of
lightless gloom and humid air, and still he had glowed
with the certainty of the rightness of his actions. All he felt
was the well-known tingling down his spine as he
fought his way through the recollection of his own old
fears, despair and foreboding of pain that had lingered
here for decades now.

But after Remus had covered about half of the way to his
destination, the gloomy atmosphere had begun to have
its effect on him, had begun to add to the cold grip of
horror his heart had been in ever since he had learned
about Severus’s not having returned yet from Voldemort’s
summons last night. And when he had opened the door to
the Shrieking Shack, doubt had begun to creep all over his
body, like an army of vicious little goblins, and it hadn\'t left
him even now.

Quite the opposite.
It had become worse.

Remus knew that right now, several wizards and witches
were searching for the missing Slytherin all over Hogwarts
grounds and beyond. He was also perfectly aware of Albus
Dumbledore at that very moment moving heaven and earth
to find out what had happened to his spy.

And during the past thirty minutes, it had become
painfully clear to him that there was nothing he
himself could do to effectively contribute to their
efforts.

He would not be able to do anything for Severus should
the Slytherin be in real trouble, should he lie helpless
somewhere, maybe unconscious, maybe hurt, maybe
both, maybe in an even worse condition. It was the
morning after the Full Moon; there really wasn\'t much he
would be able to offer. He was not a Healer, by any means,
and weak as the transformation had left him, his skills in
Defence against the Dark Arts were rather limited right
now. He would not be able to ease physical pain or to
effectively protect the Slytherin from hexes and curses.

So what the hell was he doing here, egotistically,
arrogantly, irresponsibly keeping his knowledge about
Severus\'s Apparating-place from the others who were
frantically searching for him, refusing the Slytherin
the professional help he would probably need as soon
as he appeared in this dusty room? For half an hour
now, Remus had racked his brain for any plausible
reason that might justify his waiting here alone, that
could explain why he had decided to be the only one who
would welcome Severus home, why he was waiting for
the Slytherin here by himself without being able to provide
any support beyond simply being there.

And why had he been so damn sure that Severus
*would* return here in the first place?

With frustration showing in his every move, the
werewolf turned and started to slowly pace the small
room. Ever since he had returned to Hogwarts this
summer, ever since he had accidentally run into the
Order’s spy in this very place, he had been forced to
make a few too many questionable choices, decisions
he was unable to explain only shortly after making them.
He had not told anyone, not even Dumbledore, about
his unfortunate meeting with Severus the night that he
and Sirius had Apparated to the Shrieking Shack
immediately after ha bee been informed that Hogwarts
would be their next shelter. He had concealed the dark,
wooden Death Eater’s mask he had found in the tunnel
that same night from Sirius, had not informed anyone
about the strange, frightening changes he was able to
sense in Severus\'s aura, nor about how he could *feel*
the Slytherin growing weaker and more exhausted with
every week that passed. He had been struggling with
this load of knowledge for months now, torn between
reason telling him that Severus needed help on the
one hand and on the other… what?

Only in the very rare moments when he was strong enough
To be totally honest with himself was Remus able to admit
that he actually knew very well what this other partof his
consciousness was, that part which was the source of those
strange, indefinable impulses that he had been acting upon
so very often recently - and especially when it came
to a certain Slytherin...

Both of Remus\'s hands slowly clenched into fists slick
with a cold sweat of fear and nervousness. Yes, he knew.
Had known all summer. Had fought this awareness with
all the strength his human body had been able to come
up with, not ready to realize what he knew. Unwilling to
accept that it had been no one other than the wolf acting
here, nothing but the animal\'s distinctive instincts that
had made him conceal everything about his encounter
with Severus at the beginning of the summer, everything
about the alarming state the spy was in. The wolf\'s
instincts that had now forced him to come here, to come
here alone, to come here and take the risk of failing
the one he was waiting for, should he need medical
help or magical support.

The wolf\'s instincts that he had once learned to follow,
to unconditionally trust. There had been a time when he
had willingly believed those whispering feelings that
were lingering at the margins of his human consciousness.
Had waited for them to speak up. Had welcomed their
nebulous advice, had admired the infallible truth that lay
in their mystical voice. There had been a time when he
had been able to accept that animal aspect as part of
the human he also was.

Until it had failed him.

Remus could still feel the incredible shock reach
for his heart, remember the smashing impact of
sheer horror and merciless realisation with an intensity
that still made his hands shiver, that still threatened to
make his legs give way. Just as it had that other night.
That other night at Hogwarts. That other night only a
little more than a year ago. Another Full Moon night.

Oh, it had been so close, so damn close...Their
terrified eyes were still on him, Harry\'s, Hermione\'s
and Ron\'s, watching the first, terrible signs of his
transformation...Sirius\'s desperate gasp still filled
his ears, ears that had already been lengthening
then, and his hands, his hands had already turned
into claws, ready to tear, to rip, hungry to feel warm,
soft flesh beneath them, flesh that would easily open
under the slightest touch of his teeth and release a
glorious, gushing fountain of shining ruby liquid
running down his thirsty throat...

...oh Merlin, it had been so damn close!

Wide-open eyes stared into nothing, into the hazy
darkness of the Shack, and Remus was neither aware
of his trembling lips nor of his slightly quaking body.
Totally engulfed by horrible memory, he cursed the
animal that had betrayed him, cursed it with all his
heart. Had he used his brains then, had he not
listened to those *instincts* that had told him to act,
to act fast, as soon as he had discovered Sirius and
Peter on the Marauder\'s Map, he would not have
endangered the lives of three children, of an
unconscious Severus, maybe of the entire school. He
would not have been the reason for Sirius having been
caught, for Sirius almost having received the most
far-reaching and devastating “kiss” upon this Earth; he
would not have enabled Pettigrew to escape, and
Voldemort would not have come back this summer...

But there was no sense in dwelling on ifs and buts.
He had trusted the animal inside him then. He had
accepted its unspoken advice, had been misled by the
wolf. Thinking about the violent chain of events this
misjudging himself had initiated tore Remus\'s heart
apart, but there was absolutely nothing he could do
about it - except put all of his strength in a lifelong
attempt to prevent history from repeating itself.

And ever since that summer night a little more than
a year ago, he had sworn to himself to never let his
wolfish instincts take over his human intellect again.

And gradually waking from his trance, slowly returning
from his mental journey into the past with the realisation
that he had broken his oath over and over again, that
he had followed the animal\'s advice during the entire
summer where Severus was concerned, Remus was
violently pulled back to reality by the soft sound of
someone Apparating, which seemed to rip the silence
inside the Shrieking Shack that was still heavy with
horror and fear.


--------------------------------------------------------


With the first breath he took Severus was positive that
he was exactly where he was supposed to be; he didn\'t
even need to open his tightly closed eyes. No other
place he knew seemed to sweat the emotions that had
been experienced there as intensely as this former
werewolf shelter did. The walls breathed despair, the
ceiling groaned with angst and the air quivered with
hopelessness...and the spy was keenly aware that he
himself had distinctively contributed to that terrifyingly
dense atmosphere during the past months. He also
knew that he should be grateful to still be able to add
his blazing fear and pain from the previous night to the
roiling emotional melting pot that this room was to him.
What a way to leave one’s mark for the future!

Opening his eyes with a start, Severus called himself
to order. His voice sharp and hard with impatience,
the whispered words that summoned the mask into one
of his hands sounded like the crackling of an open fire.
Angry movements freed his hands from the black gloves.
He found the strange thoughts that recently seemed to
suddenly pop into his mind most distracting, if not to say
downright annoying. The way he had lost control over
his mind along with the loss of his body was alarming,
and if...

The sudden, forceful feeling of dejá vu hit him
without the slightest warning.

Severus drew his wand at the same time he heard the
well-known voice.

\"Severus...oh, Merlin, I can\'t tell you how...\"

An unbelieving gasp broke from the spy\'s throat.

\"Tell me that it’s *not* you, Lupin!\"

But of course he already knew it was. With some part
of his mind remarking dryly that it apparently was
impossible for him to detect the werewolf\'s presence in
Lupin\'s former realm, Severus saw how the slim figure
appeared from one of the shadows in a corner of the
room, took another mental note concerning the dark
rings around the Gryffindor\'s reddened eyes, the pale
face and the bloodless lips and watched the other
come closer.

*Felt* him come closer.

It was so hard to fight this violent flood of panic, so
absolutely impossible to keep calm. His palms were
sweaty already; he could feel how the wood in his fingers
had become wet with salty, liquid fear; he heard his heart
pounding in his head, the blood slamming against the
inner walls of his skull...

With an abrupt turn, so very unlike his usually very
smooth and elegant way of moving, the spy made one
large step towards the table on the other side of the
room, where he watched his shaking hands put down
the wand and mask. Following the urge to put even
more distance between himself and Lupin, he took one
more step that carried him closer to the wall opposite
from the liberating door to the tunnel. Away from the
werewolf\'s threatening approach. Away from the
werewolf\'s sensitive perception. Away from that intense
gaze that was screaming with realization, with questions,
with the need to know.

With concern.


----------------------------------------------------------


The intensity of the emotional turmoil he perceived from
Severus abruptly blocked Remus’s throat. Momentarily
sidelined with problems of his own, it was not possible
for him to isolate some of the feelings that were tightly
circling around the Slytherin, cladding him like heavy
n man mail, always in motion, swirling, throttling, an
impenetrable, rotating armour that warded off any
attempt of getting through to the man mentally in the
eye of that tornado of wildly howling emotions. But the
bright panic that was the ground of it all shimmered
through with great clarity and could not be overlooked.

Remus’s eyes, which were used to the semi-darkness of
The room by virtue of his having waited there for more
than half an hour, saw panic mirrored in the spy\'s
shivering hands, the tension that gripped the entire lithe
body, visible even through the heavy clothing of the Death
Eater. A thin film of sweat covered the white skin that
stretched over the bones of Severus’s face like an
almost transparent sheet of wet paper. Once again, the
werewolf felt the same unbelieving bewilderment in the
face of the tortures his former schoolmate was obviously
going through that he already knew all too well. A few
minutes ago, he would have been satisfied to see that
the Slytherin apparently hadn\'t suffered any severe
physical injuries, at least none that were visible upon first
sight. But now that Remus was thunderstruck again by
the profound mental and emotional torment he could
sense the spy struggling with, he was once more
filled with the overwhelming need to ease whatever
it was the Slytherin had to suffer.

And once more when it came to Severus, Remus listened
to the cryptic speech of the wolf inside him. Again, he
couldn\'t tell for the life of him why he did so.

But he stopped. Came to a halt in the middle of the room
and began to speak.

\"Would you believe that you couldn’t begin to imagine the
load you took off my heart by finally coming back,
Severus? Your delay worried half of the Order out of
their minds...Albus is looking for you by contacting his
informers all over the country, and there\'s a search
party turning every stone on Hogwarts grounds. Even
Sirius is with them, right now, at this very moment.\"

He had not expected Severus to actually perceive
anything of what he was telling him. All he had intended
was to soothe him somehow, to give the Slytherin a
chance to calm down, to show him that he, Remus, was
not focussing on Severus\'s alarming emotional state
anymore, but on giving him this little report instead. He
had wanted to create some atmosphere of normalcy, as
far as was possible under these more than shocking
circumstances. So the Gryffindor had not really expected
the other man\'s voice to answer him.

\"But you are here.\"


-------------------------------------------------------------


Severus could feel the werewolf\'s surprise, but for once
it didn\'t bother him at all whether he had managed to
leave the Gryffindor speechless or not. With a little
astonishment of his own, he realized that his remark
had not been meant to gain advantage over Lupin.
For once.

Denying his mind the opportunity to ponder on such a
rare event any longer, as well as on the reasons for his
brief reply, the Slytherin forced his attention back to his
slowly recovering body. He didn\'t know why the
werewolf had suddenly stopped approaching him, and
to be honest, he didn\'t care. The only important thing
was that he had to get out of the room as soon as
possible. Severus had no intention at all of extending
the the risk that Lupin\'s presence posed to his weak
self-mastery, and furthermore, there was a report he
had to make (not that he had been able to follow the
meeting last night, and it was still a puzzle to him how
he was supposed to explain his ignorance to
Dumbledore), and there were classes to teach...

Yes. It was past time to finally end this transit from one
of his two lives to the other.

He straightened up and carefully moved back to the
table, where he took up both mask and wand. One glance
in Lupin\'s direction told him that the werewolf had not
moved from his position in the middle of the room and that
he still stood between him and the door.

The burning glance Lupin was watching him with boded
No good. Neither did his voice.

\"Where else did you expect me to be, Severus?\"

Every word dripped with urgent intensity, asked for an
answer with a kind of verbal emphasis Severus knew too
well. He had just escaped a similar kind of force that had
claimed answers to its questions equally irresistibly. Had
escaped it only a few hours ago.

[\"Tell me, what kind of choice do you leave me, my
lovely Snow White?\"]

Severus couldn\'t help the memory gathering around him
like storm clouds around the peak of a mountain.
Desperately, he fought the first squalls of wind that were
carrying only fragments of sound thus far. His fingers that
were curling around the mask begun to twitch slightly.

Lupin was speaking again; it was only a whisper this time.

\"Do you think I don\'t know about the unbelievably
precious gift you gave me last night?\"

Severus had closed his eyes, trying to listen to the
werewolf’s words while struggling with the events that had
taken place only a few hours ago at the same time; keeping
the terror of last night out of his head brought every
remnant of his strength to bear. But the storm grew stronger,
the sounds it was carrying clearly audible now.

[\"I hope you don\'t think I could ever enjoy the fact that
you force me to make my warnings come true, my dear,
unfortunate Severus. And let me tell you once more that
it\'s no one but you yourself who is responsible that it
had to come this far.\"]

No. No, he did not want to go there, not again, not yet,
not when he thought he had just managed to leave it
all behind, at least for the time being. This was not the
right moment for this, actually there would never be a
right one, but not now, please, not now...

But the first flashes were striking his mind, loaded
with visions, enlightening the horror he had experienced
during part of last night.

\"Severus?\"

The soft tone this word was vibrating with didn\'t fit
into what occupied the spy\'s mind right now at all, which
was humming with the violence and the mental and
physical cruelty from last night that once again had
encircled him. Opening his eyes from a strange need
to face the source of this unexpected gentleness, he
found himself still standing in the Shack, still ready to
leave, still holding the mask and wand, and with the
werewolf still standing between him and the door.

\"Sweet Sirens, Severus, what have they done to you?\"

And that was all it took. The last dam protecting his
still very weak conscious being broke, and his head
was flooded with a spring tide of images and sound.
Leaving Severus no choice but to helplessly accept
them.

\"Severus...\"

The spy shook his head, automatically gathering his
composure for mastering the reflex to speak, the attempt
to be coherent, for the desperate attempt to not give
away too much of what was going on inside him, in the
only way he knew to keep anybody out of his totally
twisted inner life.

He had to try, even though it was the werewolf he was
facing here. Even though he knew that Remus Lupin
would be able to see right through any defences he was
able to come up with now.

\"It\'s nothing, Lupin, really. Nothing worse than the
usual treatment you get for disobedience.\"

[There had been no preparation at all this time. The
Dark Lord had entered him with two violent thrusts that
had left him with no will at all to fight either the harsh
cry or the tears of pain...]

\"It all... the meeting simply took a little longer than
the others have so far.\"

[Three times, he had been taken horribly three times
and each time had seemed to be infinite to him. That
hated cock had switched from his ass to his mouth and
back again, had relentlessly driven in and out
of him with horrifying force...]

Putting all the restraint he could momentarily muster into
his voice, Severus went on.

\"As...grateful as I am for your...for the Order\'s concern,
you see that fortunately, there’s no reason for it.
I\'m perfectly fine.\"

[Being pushed against that cold, rough wall of undressed
stone while the Dark Lord raged inside him from behind
had left the entire front of his body bruised and bleeding.
With every flesh-rending slam that had penetrated his ass,
his chest, cock and thighs had been driven across the
rough blocks, and small, razor-like edges and ledges had
sliced his skin open...]

When Severus felt strong enough to finally meet the
werewolf\'s glance, he knew after the first
split-second that he had looked into those expressive eyes
that Lupin didn\'t believe a word of what he had just said.


-----------------------------------------------------------


Remus had no idea why the Slytherin was keeping the true
events of that night a secret, why Severus was lying to him
like that. He could feel that something horrible had
happened to the spy, something he was still struggling
with, that still had a strong and firm grip upon him.

But those black eyes were telling him just as firmly that
there was no way to push any further, that this was all the
Slytherin would reveal. Those short, concise sentences,
those lies were all Severus would tell him right now, not
a single word more.

And those lies hurt.

But after having held the spy\'s gaze for a moment longer,
Remus had silently accepted the Slytherin\'s decision. With
a slow nod and the beginning of a smile lingering around
his mouth, he stepped aside and thus opened the Potion
Master’s way to the door.

\"I\'m really glad to hear that, Severus - and I guess it\'s
time for both of us to return to the school and pass the
good news on to the others, isn’t?\"

He could see how relief was literally dawning in the other
man\'s eyes. Moving with his usual grace and swiftness
now, the Slytherin was already on his way to the door,
without one more word or glance at Remus, who once
again felt gnawing uncertainty as to whether what he
had just done was right. If listening to his instincts that
had more or less been screaming at him to leave the
Slytherin alone had truly been the right choice...

Struggling with irresolution, he almost missed his one
chance.

But only when Severus had already been more than half
swallowed by the tunnel\'s darkness was Remus hit by
another spontaneous inspiration.

\"Severus, I still have that mug from yesterday evening
up in my quarters.\"

The spy stopped dead in his tracks and turned around
to face the werewolf one more time. Remus held the
gaze that clearly questioned the Gryffindor\'s common
sense effortlessly.

\"Of course you do—as always, Lupin. I don\'t see what
this has to do with...\"

The werewolf flashed his most cheerful smile in Severus\'s
direction.

\"Nothing, Severus, nothing. I just thought that it was time
for us to change our habits a bit, all right? So no house
elf will return the mug to you this time. I’ll drop by later
today myself, let\'s say after dinner. What do you think?\"

An unspoken \'one good turn deserves another\' hung in
the air between them, waiting for the Slytherin to accept
or to refuse. The spy\'s face didn\'t give anything away; he
could just as easily have been wearing the mask he was
still holding in his hands. But Remus perceived every
nuance of the play of features on Severus\'s soul, felt the
conflict the spy was caught up in. And not before the
irritated sigh escaped Severus’s mouth did the werewolf
know that giving in had defeated the Slytherin\'s pride and
defiance for once.

\"If you really must, have your way, Lupin. I will certainly
not waste my energy on fighting you over such a trifle.\"

And with those words, Severus had left the Shrieking
Shack.

Struggling with his suddenly wildly beating heart, Remus
reached for the Invisibility Cloak to follow his former
schoolmate back to the castle.



Author’s Note: All right, this will be the last chapter for a while –
tomorrow, I will leave for doing two months of field research. So
the next part of FaJwE will not be here before May…


To jinx_lunatic: Wow, I’m flattened – I can’t remember the last time someone called me ‘amazing’…*grin*. Thanks! I hope you liked this latest attempt of mine to feed your addiction ;o).

To @_@: I give my very best *biggrin* !!