Home is Where the Heart Is

~ Disclaimer: I own nothing but what springs from my imagination. Remus Lupin, Hogwarts, and the rest of the Potterverse are the property and the children of JK Rowling. ~

Home is Where the Heart Is
Chapter 8: When the Rains Came

Tonks pulled Remus into a deep kiss, pouring all her emotion into the embrace. Remus stood stiffly, not returning the kiss or the embrace. She moved away from him, looking at his face, seeing the lack of emotion. She stood in the rain, staring at him.

“What’s wrong,us?”us?” she asked.

“This,” he replied, “this is wrong.”

“Why is it wrong? I love you. I have for a long time now.”

Remus looked at the girl standing in front of him, her emotions naked, her lip trembling. He had been afraid of this. He had been afraid that she would fancy herself in love with him. He never should have permitted himself their first encounter. He should have stopped it before it began. Remus was not a hard man; he was not a cold man. He was just not in love with her.

“Tonks…Nymphadora…I’m sorry,” he said, looking into her eyes, “I can’t say that to you in return.”

“You…you don’t love me? Not even a little?” she asked, her tears mixing with the rain.

“I’m sorry,” he said, feeling a strong wave of sadness wash over him, “I don’t.”

“Why?” she said, “am I not pretty enough for you? Am I not smart enough for you?”

“It’s not that, Tonks. I don’t think we choose who we love, I think love chooses us.”

“There’s someone else…”

“No, there isn’t. I don’t know why I don’t love you; I just know that I don’t. I’m not going to insult you by saying ‘I love you; I’m just not in love with you’ because that just isn’t fair. I care for you a great deal, but the feeling isn’t love.”

“You made love to me. All this week. Every night. YOU MADE LOVE TO ME,” she yelled at him, “How could you do that? How could you make love to me if you find me so repulsive?”

“I never found you repulsive,” he replied softly, “and I thought what we had was just sex.”

“How could you think that?”

“Well,” he said, “you weren’t the same women twice. I don’t even remember what YOU look like, what YOU act like. You’ve been an illusion. How can anyone love an illusion? I’m sorry, Tonks.”

“I can be anyone you want me to,” she said, “anyone. You want a redhead? I can give you that,” she screwed up her face and became a redhead, “I can be a blond, a brunette, tall, short, blue eyed, green eyed. TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT, REMUS!”

“I don’t know what I want. I wish I could be in love with you. I’m just…not. I never tried to mislead you. I never murmured those words in the throes of passion. I never said I loved you to get you into bed. I’m not the one who initiated what happened over this past week. Yes, I took advantage of what you were offering, but I didn’t know how you felt. You never told me until just now,” he said, maintaining a calm soft voice, “I’m mostly human, Tonks. You dangled something enticing in front of me with the implied offer of no strings attached and I took you up on your offer. Clearly, in hindsight, that was a mistake. But I defy you to show me where I made you any promises.”

Tonks attempted to storm off down the road, but tripped over a stone and ended up sitting in the middle of the lane, tears streaming down her face. She knew Remus was right. She had tried to tell herself it meant nothing. Each time they’d been together, she knew he didn’t feel the same way that she felt. She pretended that it meant little to her, when in reality, being with Remus was like a dream come true. She had harbored feelings for the werewolf almost since the day she first met him, hoping against hope that he would someday see her as more than just a young woman with the ability to change her appearance. She realized now the folly in her thinking. Remus was on a journey, and that journey did not include her.

Remus summoned a log for them to sit on. He helped her up and brushed the hair out of her eyes.

“I truly am sorry, Tonks,” he said.

“I know,” she replied, “I played a game, I rolled the dice, I lost.”

“For what it’s worth, I’m not that great.”

She smiled, “Yeah, you are, you just don’t know it. I think that’s part of your appeal. You know, I used to think you were shy and insecure.”

“Me? Shy? Insecure?”

“Yeah,” she laughed, “then I realized that you just didn’t have anything to say. You’re not one to waste words. And you’re the strongest person I know. I guess there’s where the attraction lies. You never make apologies for being what you are. You’ve accepted your…condition. You’ve accepted all the baggage that comes with it. I guess I was hoping that some of the security would rub off on me.”

“That’s not a good basis for love, Tonks,” he said softly, “you can’t expect another person to give you what you lack inside. You have to find it for yourself.”

“Easier said than done,” she said, looking into his eyes, “I’ve never been particular secure with who I am.”

“You’re a wonderful woman, Tonks, but you need to learn to love yourself before you can really give your love to someone else. And I think you know inside that I’m not the right one.”

“Tell that to my outside,” she said.

“I think I need to leave your outside alone,” he replied with a wry grin.

They sat in silence for a short time, the rain coming down and washing away the pain they both felt. Tonks sighed; part of her would love Remus Lupin forever. But a bigger part of her knew he was right. She was looking for something in Remus that she couldn’t find in herself. She turned to look at the werewolf next to her. He was amazing, and he didn’t know it. He was the best man she had ever known in her life. Above all, she valued his friendship and she was desperately afraid that she had lost it.

“Remus,” she said quietly, “does this mean that we can’t hang out anymore?”

“I think we need a little space, but if you mean can we ever go back to being friends, I think you know the answer.”

“I was afraid of that,” she said.

“Yeah,” he commented, “it is friging ing being friends with me.”

“You mean…”

“Of course we can still be friends. Aren’t I the one who’s supposed to give you that ‘can we be friends?’ line?”

“I just thought I’d beat you to it.”

“Tonks, I’ve always liked you. If I thought that this meant we could never be friends again, I would be devastated.”

She smiled at Remus and drew him into a hug. This time he hugged her back. It would take time, she thought, but we’ll be OK.

“Hey, wolfman?” she said.

“Yeah, metamorphagirl?”

“Does Dumbledore expect us to walk all the way back to Hogwarts or can we apparate?”

“I would imagine that it’s fine to apparate,” he replied.

“Can we walk a little first, though? Just until we would have to stop for the night? I kinda like this traveling by foot thing. It’s so medieval.”

Remus laughed, “Sure. But we are NOT stopping at any inns. That only leads to trouble.”

They stood up and walked down the lane in the rain, leaving behind the wreckage of the manor and the almost wreckage of two hearts.