Sugar and Soap

It wasn\'t long before she was landed in detention again with Longbottom. He seemed to be watching her all the time, even when she thought she was alone. He turned up when she wandered after hours the night before, and she couldn\'t bring herself to charm or seduce her way out of the encounter. What had happened was caused by her slinky little walk, the way she wore her clothes, and she didn\'t fancy having sex with a Professor, not really. But she was troubled.



Lily had never been the brightest. She scraped by and did what she had to, but her brain was split between Quidditch and boys before. Now that she was avoiding the latter, she had no hobby to take up the space. School work was a possibility, but she soon found she was too far behind in previous concepts to actually study, and that it was too frustrating to try and teach herself a full year\'s worth of lessons she\'d missed. With the free time came the uncontrollable bursts.



As she was sitting in detention, calm and quiet for once, to Neville\'s suprise, he heard a light flapping sound. Looking up, he saw one of his paintings without a frame lightly fluttering. Slowly he stood, standing beside it, checking for a breeze. There was always an absence of cross ventilation in this room, it was well insulated, but it couldn\'t hurt to check. Nothing. Slowly he reached out a hand to still the canvas and frowned, brow furrowed, looking perplexed.



Without warning, the next portrait, in a glass frame, flew off the wall and slammed onto the ground. The wood shattered at the impact, splintering, and slowly Neville released the painting to pick up the canvas housing a depiction of Harry\'s final duel with Voldemort. He looked up at Lily as her eyes started to water, growing larger and larger, and peered in the direction. Suddenly, each and every window on the wall she was staring at slammed opened, the wind pouring in. She didn\'t budge. But Neville jumped.



"Lily...Lily, come here," he called quietly.



She snapped out of her trance and looked over at him.



"Come here...I don\'t...come here so I can protect you," he bit his lip.



Lily slowly stood, but as she did, she stumbled. Neville rushed quickly to her side, helping her regain herself. Her eyes traced the chalkboard, and he stared in disbelief as it toppled over, normally so sturdy, and shattered on the ground.



She started to sob.



"Lily...shhhh...it\'s alright. It\'s just probably the wind or something," he said gently, pulling her closer.



She shook her head \'no\'. "It\'s me. It\'s me." She whimpered it out and shivered, pressing more fully into his warmth.



Neville\'s eyes flashed in concern. He swallowed. "What do you mean?" He shook his head. "It couldn\'t be you. Your wand is flat on your desk. Has been the entire t-t-time."



She sniffled and sobbed, her body shaking. If he didn\'t know her father as he did, he may have felt more uncomfortable, but he was worried. And he was sure that Harry needed to know what was going on. Slowly he drew her closer still and rubbed her back. "It\'s me." She pulled back after a second and looked up at him. "I\'ve been...been having trouble...with my magic."



Neville rubbed her back more fully and eyed her with even more concern. "But how...how did you..." he shook his head. "Normally only children have uncontrolled bursts unless something serious has happened," he finished, his voice hushed.



She sniffled and leaned back to look up at him. "Please don\'t be mad at me, Professor Longbottom."



"I\'m not, Lily. I\'m not," he assured her, brows brought toward the ridge of his nose. "Come with me, okay? Let\'s go talk..."



She gave a week nod, but when she moved she staggered again.



"Makes you tired, doesn\'t it?" he asked, frowning a bit.



She nodded again and felt his arm wrap around her shoulders.



"I won\'t embarass you by picking you up, but you should really eat more. You\'re skin and bones." He gave a small chuckle. "You\'re a great Seeker without starving yourself, you know?"



She looked up and gave a half smile. "It\'s the only thing I\'m ever any good at, so I need to be better than great."



Neville shook his head no and helped her up the stair case toward his office. "I don\'t believe that for one minute, and neither should you, Lily Luna Potter." He chewed his lip a moment. "You\'ve always been good at helping people...knowing what they\'re feeling, what they need. It\'s almost as if you are an..."



"A what, Professor?" she asked, sniffling again as they reached the landing.



"An Empath." He eyed her and unlocked his door, allowing her to enter before he did. "That\'s a rare talent. You only see an Empath once every thousand years or so..."



She bit her lip as he waved his hand and all the candles in the room lit from left to right. It was warm, snug. She stumbled over her feet again on her way to a seat and didn\'t say much else. But she did know what everyone else felt. And she felt what they did on more than one occassion. She settled back in a chair and laid her head on the high arm. It was Hagrid sized.



"Tell me what happened, Lily?" he asked, gathering two cups of tea and adding sugar into his own. He smiled when she leaned foreward and did so as well.



"Albus takes his tea with just lemon," she giggled and wrinkled her nose. "It\'s all sour and bitter."



Neville blinked and seated himself behind his desk. "I like everything sweet, too," he agreed, watching her hold the cup between her hands. "When did these bursts start, Lily?" he asked gently.



"A couple of months ago," she answered, glumly. She wasn\'t able to change the subject. So she\'d have to try and speak without saying anything.



"Did anything happen to you around that time?" he asked. "That was about the same time you had those scrapes on your legs. I remember them. Did someone attack you?"



She just bit her lip, and looked down into the tea. "Even if they had, what good would talking about it do?"



"I\'m your Head of House, Lily." He watched her. "And I\'m your friend, above all else. I don\'t run and tattle on you when you don\'t pay attention. And I\'ve never told your father what you did that night in detention, though I probably should..." he swallowed. "I\'m concerned, Lily..."



"I KNOW," she yelped out, and then her breath came heavy, like she was fighting something. She pursed her lips, and shook her head, eyes closed. "I can feel it," she whispered. "It feels heavy, thick...like you\'ve waited a while to say anything. I can tell by your voice, the way you\'re sitting," she looked up, "the way your eyes are set. It\'s the same look you give me when you see me pull out my ball in your class..."



He swallowed. "I just don\'t understand," he half whispered, throat dry. He took a drink.



"I can\'t explain. You\'ll tell my father. James said if he finds out-"



"James said?" he perked. "James knows?"



She bit her lower lip. She\'d said too much. If he went and asked James, then James would know she told, and well...she didn\'t like when James knew anything. She swallowed. "Someone f-f-fucked me, Professor."



He looked taken aback at the word, and blinked slowly a few times. "Excuse me...what?"



She sniffled and sat the tea on the table, standing and pacing the creaky floor of the office. "I was coming back from a snogging session and someone grabbed me up, behind a tapestry, and they had really rough, hard sex with me. I don\'t know who it was." She spun and looked at him. "I try to remember, but every time their face isn\'t there. Their voice is jumbled and muffled like their talking through a fan. Mine\'s the same way at certain parts. All I know is James said it was my own fault, and he\'d know...I mean...he has sex with girls and lies to them all the time..." she breathed out. "And even so, he said I should stop with boys. But since I stopped I keep....bursting!" She flushed in frustration. "It\'s like I need it. I need someone to touch me or else my magic is just...it\'s everywhere. Wild. And I\'m scared I\'m going to h-h-hurt someone," she\'d began crying again at the idea. "What if I hurt someone on accident?" she whimpered.



Professor Longbottom stared, hands flat on his desk, for a good minute of two as she cried. He blinked slowly again. They didn\'t have a class to prepare him for this sort of thing and he never suspected it would happen anyway. For a moment, he felt as insane as his mother. He didn\'t even recognize Lily. He kept telling himself to stand for five more seconds before he actually did, and then he went to her. Slowly he wrapped the little redhead in his arms and rubbed her back again.



"I\'m sorry," she whimpered.



"Don\'t apologize, Lily." He took a deep breath. "Things happen. Things happen..." he shifted awkwardly. "Have you tried...er...by yourself?" He flushed brilliant crimson as she met his eyes.



"At least five times a day. It doesn\'t help," she said quietly. "It has to be someone else."



His face blanched. He drew a deep and sighing breath. "I wish there was more I could do for you," he said after a moment.



"Will you..." she



started.



"No." He backed away a step. "I can\'t touch you, Lily. It\'d be wrong..."



She shook her head quickly and waved her hands. "No. No. No. I mean, I know...I know I\'ve done stuff in the past to...to...but." she stopped and blinked up at him. "I\'d never go through with it. You\'re married and all of that." She took a deep breath. "Will you block the rest of the memory for me?" she whispered. "Me telling James, telling you, the thing itself?"



He sat back behind his desk for a long moment of silence again, just watching her. "Lily, it\'s really not a good way to go about fixing the problem. It\'ll always be there, whether it\'s locked up or not. One wrong bump of the head and it can get dislodged. Along with anything else you\'ve repressed. It\'ll be harder to deal with then. And the bursts will come back..."



She swallowed. "I\'ll be sure to aim any Bludgers at my stomach then..." she looked decided. She bit her lip and eyed him. "Please, Professor...I don\'t even care about the headache. It\'s better than this..."



He sat silently, weighing it in his head for a few long moments. It was illegal. But if anyone knew about her bursts...if she hurt anyone...he swallowed and gazed into her big brown eyes a moment. "Okay. But here is what I want you to do. Trace this memory back to before you started bursting downstairs. And feel sick. Make yourself feel sick. I\'m going to erase these memories, and replace this one with me giving you tea and a quiet place because you grew ill. I\'ll be keeping you here, where I can watch you, until your headache subsides. Tell yourself not to fight me."



She nodded and sat back down.



"No. Lay on the bed. This will take time and I don\'t want to chance you moving..." he stood and went to a cupboard and withdrew a phial of a brilliant blue potion. Slowly he uncorked it, and added a teaspoon to her tea cup. "Drink the tea. That amount wouldn\'t touch me, but it should give you two hours of sleep. That\'s what I\'ll need to complete this."



Slowly Lily reached out and gathered the cup in her hands, standing up. She walked toward his bed, before standing beside it and draining the china cup, tilting her head back.



"Lily, on the bed first!" He yelped urgently as she swayed on her feet, the cup falling and shattering before he caught her, eyes fluttered closed and breathing slow. He shook his head and gave a great sigh, settling her back, and took a drink of his own tea before going to work.



He grew concerned when she didn\'t wake after two hours. But he was downright paranoid when four had passed and she hadn\'t stirred. He checked her pulse, her respiration. She wasn\'t dead. But she was still. Slowly he sat beside her on the bed and ran his fingers through her hair, guilt creeping up on him.



How he and Hannah had wished they could have children. It seemed, however, impossible. They\'d tried every means available, even muggle treatments when wizarding ones didn\'t work, to no avail. Finally, a muggle doctor had explained that he didn\'t work, he was "shooting blanks". He had asked Hannah to take donor sperm, but she wouldn\'t. She said if they had one, she wanted it to be part of both of them or else it wasn\'t fair. And he didn\'t agree, to this day.



To have a child like Lily, or Albus, or James...well...he often pretended he did. Just like everyone else, he\'d seen the way Harry eyed his children, the harsh punishments, the bruises. He\'d occassionally asked Harry if he needed a break, offering to take them for a weekend. They always gave him James when they couldn\'t take it any longer, sending Lily to her Godmother, and Albus to Percy.



Harry had confided in Neville about the nightmares. He never slept without having one, and he said he\'d never rest until anyone wearing a Dark Mark was in Azkaban. He had owled Neville the night Lily went missing in Diagon Alley, and they\'d met at The Hog\'s Head and discussed the day over a firewhiskey. Harry had said \'I just don\'t know what to do with her. The only person she\'s afraid of, besides me, is James.\'



Neville inquired about her fear of James. He also inquired on her fear of Harry. Certainly, fear wasn\'t the only way to discipline and Lily didn\'t seem shaked by it nearly enough. Harry had grown angry with his criticism and drank more. \'The only one who she really listens to is Albus, to be honest,\' he\'d admitted after a while. \'I think something is wrong with my children, Neville. Lily\'s so sensitive. It\'s like she picks up on every little...feeling or emotion anyone has. And James, he and I are so alike that he can finish my sentences. He can finish anyone\'s sentences though. And Albus...he\'s so closed off...\'



Neville shook his head. It wasn\'t the children. They were each perfect, in their own way, in his eyes at least. He suggested consulting Hermione. Harry said he didn\'t know and started in talking about work.



It felt distinct now, at Lily\'s confession that she could feel his worry, at the way she grew so distracted in class, the way she made friends. James had always been a bully, but even still, he did seem to be able to read minds and it unsettled a lot of the staff. And Albus. Albus was so quiet. It was like he had no emotion, other than calm. James and Albus butted heads even more than Lily and James, at least from Neville\'s witness. It was like Al was a block for James, the only person James couldn\'t follow, the only one who could hide from him...



Slowly Lily turned to her side in her sleep and whimpered. Neville raised the back of his hand to her forehead, pressing it there, then pushed her hair from her face. She reached up in her sleep and took it, leading it down her stomach, and he pulled away at her lower abdomen. He shuddered to think what these children had endured, how their lives would play out. It was like watching one of those silly lifetime movies Hannah and Susan would curl on the couch and sob to. Something in Lily\'s mind, in the repression vault, as he called it, where no connections lead to the outside, made him think this was more than just a one time thing. She\'d been touched before. And her mind had been altered before. Children always had a way of hiding their trauma until they could cope.



But really, when had anyone in this generation been able to properly cope? Look at Harry, trotting the globe, unable to rest or show proper affection for anything until he had all the Death Eaters that ever existed locked in wizarding prison. And Ginny, who was once so fiery and passionate, now extinguished and riddled with apathy. Hermione was a nervous wreck where her children were concerned. Ronald was full of hatred, vengence. Luna seemed untouched, but she\'d began to grow skeptical of her own beliefs when she hadn\'t found one of her creatures.



Not that he was perfect. He hid a lot of his feelings away and put his own anger into teaching children. But no one was right. So why would the children be okay?



Softly Lily whimpered and arched in his bed, her eyes fluttering opened as she did. He looked down at her in relief. Slowly he ran his fingers through her hair again. "Hey, Lily. Do you feel any better?"



She shook her head no, and winced, sitting up and gripping her temples between her hands. "Mmm...it hurts," she gave a shaky sigh.



Neville nodded. "Let me see..."



Softly he moved his fingers beneath her own, feeling the pulsing of blood through her brain and pursing his lips. He softly began to rub and massage, working his way to her jaw bone and back up, watching her tired eyes with his own sleepy ones. After a few moments he heard a click, and her eyes blinked. "That\'s a lot better," she whispered as he let her go.



He smiled good naturedly. "Good. See? I\'m good for something, eh?" he chuckled.



She smiled and nodded and leaned up and hugged him. "I\'m sorry," she said quietly.



"Whatever for?" he asked, tilting his head at her.



"Being a horrible student." She gave a little giggle.



"You\'re not a horrible student," he said, and shook his head. "You\'re just easily distracted is all. Ready to go back to your Dormitory now?"



She nodded.



"Stomach still hurt?" he asked, helping her up.



She thought a moment. "No...it feels much better now."



"Good..." he got up and opened the opposite door to his office, which would pass her through the Third Floor instead of having to wind the steps back to the First. "If anyone gives you any trouble about being out, tell them you got sick in detention with me and to come yell at me for it."



She gave another small giggle. "Goodnight, Professor Longbottom."



"\'Night, Lily," he answered, watching her down the hallway before closing his office door.