Hidden Love

Note: I do still have plans for Tonks, I just need to figure out how to go about it.

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To say things had been tense since the incident in the movie theater would be an understatement. When he had demanded they talk she’d ran her eye’s over him and then just walked off. What did she expect of him? To fall on his knees and profess emotions he’d repeatedly told her he didn’t have for her?

He wasn’t trying to hurt her, but he wasn’t going to string her along either. The movie incident had been a horrible mistake and he needed to find a way to convey that to her and quickly.

But most of all, he needed to see Bellatrix, more then that he needed to touch her. True, he wasn’t even close to forgiving her, still was unable to wrap his mind around her piss poor excuse, and could feel the rage swirling around him inside anytime he thought about that night. He missed her, loved her, wanted her around him again. He’d even take the bubbly blonde if it just meant she was around him.

Tugging on a clean clothes he walked out of his room fixing his tie and almost collided straight into Hermione. “I’m so sorry professor”

“No hard done” He smiled at her and watched her return a smile that didn’t reach her eyes, he’d giving one to many of those himself to be fooled by it “Is everything ok?”

“Fine, fine. Everything is perfect.”

“Do you want to talk about it Hermione?”

“No sir, I don’t think I do.”

“Alright, but if you change your mind. Just search me out” That ghost of a smile was back on her face and she hurried off leaving him alone, lately he was always alone. Following in the wake of Hermione he wandered into the kitchen and took his seat and tried to focus on what everyone was saying around him.

“You look like you’d rather be someplace else” His attention moved beside him and walked as Tonks slid into the seat beside him, barely able to suppress the groan that fought to break free.

“I Don’t” And now he was turning into the one who lied, he knew exactly where else he’d rather be. “Are you ready to talk yet”

“No, and it wouldn’t matter if we did. I have no intention of backing off”

“You’re wasting your time…”

“I don’t care if you think you’re to old.”

“It has nothing to do with my age, it has to do with the fact that I don’t f-”

“I don’t believe you, if you didn’t care the other night wouldn’t have happened”

His glare was fierce and he had to force himself to relax before he spoke again “The other night, had nothing to do with emotions or feelings. I repeatedly told you no, you didn’t listen. You never bloody listen. I don’t know how much plainer I can be about this. I do not care about you like that, I will never care about you like that. No matter how hard you try you‘re not going to make me fall in love with you.”

You’d have thought he’d struck her and the moment he’d stopped talking he wished he could take it back. No matter how frustrated or angry she made him he shouldn’t have said that to her. But before he could make it right she was pushing away from the table and out of the room. He could feel them all staring at him. Feel the disapproval his words had caused. To them, he should love Tonks. They all but beat him upside the head with the idea on a daily basis and slowly his anger with Tonks morphed into his anger with all of them. Standing to his own feet he flexed his fingers before turning his head to look at all of them. “I do not want to hear a single word about this, from any of you. You all have a part in this and I’m tried of standing around silently while you all pass blame onto my shoulders. I’ve made it very clear where my feelings for her end. Yet you all continue to try and force it. Try to push us into a relationship, trick me into dates, make comments, tell her things I tell you. I’m done with it, mind your own bloody business.”

Ron, as usual was the one stupid enough to open his mouth “ But professor, it makes perfect sense for you to be with her. It’s not like there’s anyone else anymore”

Remus went to respond, but someone beat him to it. “Shut up Ronald, for once in your life shut up!” Every startled face turned from Remus to the Hermione who sat at the other side of the table. “Who cares if it makes 'perfect sense’. He loves who he loves and it clearly isn’t you”

A silence descended in the room. Slowly the realization of what she’d just said hit her and she went red faced. At that same exact moment Ron sputtered incoherently and she turned and fled. “I’ll go check on her”

And with that he followed out of the room behind her, he was only steps out of the kitchen when they all started talking at once. He found Hermione inside her room, her knees tucked under her chest and tears silently rolling down her cheeks. It was one of the more pathetic things he’d seen in his life.

“Do you want to talk about it now?” Slowly she lifted her head to look at him and shook it no, taking a deep breath he sat down beside her and leaned forward with his elbows on his legs and waited. He heard her mumble the silencing charm several minuets later, but nothing else.

“I’ll tell you my secret if you tell me yours Hermione”

“You’ll hate me, they’ll all hate me. I hate myself.”

“You shouldn’t”

“Yes I should.”

He looked over at her and smiled softly “You’re a very smart girl, you know better then that. Besides I already know and I don’t hate you. You love who you love Hermione, life’s funny that way.”

“But it-it’s him. She sounded so depressed by the thought he laughed. “It’s not funny, do you know what they’ll say to me, what they’ll think of me. I doubt any of them ever talk to me again.”

“Then they’re not very food friends to begin with. You’re better off then I am at the very least if that’s of any comfort to you.”

“Being in love with Malfoy is way worse then being in love with a ditzy blonde. Not that any of this even matters. It’s not like he has feelings for me, but when I look…I just-I don’t know what to do.”

She was being truthful, he needed to do the same. Letting out a deep breath he looked back over at her. “I’m not in love with a ditzy blonde”

“I’ve met Gabriella, Remus. Calling her ditzy is as nice as it gets”

“Hermione, that’s not her name. It’s not even what she normally looks like or how she acts” He watched her blinked confused at him “Using that name was just another way to push my buttons. Bella, I’m in love with Bella”

Ever so slowly he watched comprehension come over her face. However, she did the last thing he expected, she laughed at him before shaking her head “Well, aren’t we a pair. What in Merlin’s name are we going to do with ourselves?”

That, was an excellent question. However he was saved from thinking up a proper response when he heard Ron hollering through the door. Shaking his head he looked back down at her “I’ll keep my mouth closed, I can only hope you do the same for me. I know, I know that I’m asking a lot. After what ha-”

“I wont say anything, she was with us that night and it’s not my place to out you. When you’re ready to tell them you will until then I’m silent.” He didn’t bother to correct her about Bella’s involvement. It was better for him to have her believe Bella didn’t know anything about the attack. Which could actually work in his favor, it was hard to imagine that Bella would have missed out of the chance to slaughter those who stood against the dark lord. Nodding his head he smiled at her before standing to leave the room slipping past Ron on his way.

However the thought of sitting in his room for the rest of the day versus dealing with the wrath of the rest of them wasn’t to appealing. So he opted for the third option and headed right out the front door, and then he just started walking. He was several blocks from the house when he suddenly head her voice.

“Remus”

He twisted to find her standing under a tree, her dark hair falling over her shoulders, and a bored look on her face. Three weeks, three long weeks since the last time he’d seen her. Three long painful weeks since she’d betrayed him and his friends had died for it and every single one of those days he’d ached to his core for her to come back “Bella”

“You sound happy to see me Remus, I wasn’t expecting that.”

“I was angry at you that night I am still angry with you but I shouldn’t have said or done to you what I did that night.”

“What about last week.”

“Huh?” She rolled her eyes and pushed off the tree before moving to stand in front of him and for the first time he was able to see that she was angry with him. Livid, would be a better word to use.

“You don’t remember last week Lupin? You don’t remember what you did a little over a week ago. Who you did it with.”

“You’re jealous” It made him smile. This wasn’t like the other times, where she was just taunting him, just playing a game. Maybe even a little annoyed, this was full blown jealousy.

“You’re smiling you find this funny. I went there to find you and did I ever find you. With your pants around your ankles and her wrapped around you.”

“I didn’t know if I’d see you again. That night, it seemed pretty final”

“YOU ARE AN IDIOT” He blinked a couple times, but he was done with the games.

“No, I’m tired of all this. I’m tried of being pulled this way and that way. Tired of being dictated to, but most of all Bella. I’m tried of you assuming I know how you feel and getting in trouble whenever I say or d something that express the fact that maybe, just maybe I don’t have any idea where you stand.”

“How can-”

“How can I? Because you refuse to say it. You’ve made this invisible line that I’m supposed to stay behind. You want everything form me but you can’t say the one thing I’ve asked for all this time. So now Bella, now I’m going to make the demands. Say it or don’t bother coming back. Don’t try and save me, don’t spare me, you either say it and mean it or we go right back to how we were before the first time. “

He watched her clamp her mouth closed, refusing to budge and inch and fought the urge to shake her. Twisting on his heel he got ready to leave and finally realized it was raining. In the back of his mind he vaguely realized this was similar to those crappy muggle movies Hermione liked to watch. “Remus”

He didn’t stop walking

“Remus, I asked you not to make me choose.”

“I’m asking.”

He paused, but didn’t look back at her. “I can’t choose”

“You clearly already have. “

“Why are you doing this you mangy mutt the words won’t make an difference. I can stand here and say it a hundred times but you know it won’t change where I stand.”

“Then go home.” He started to walk again and each step he took it was like someone was squeezing his heart. It was going to shatter, and then miracle of miracles she said it.

“I love you Remus.”

He jerked around to look at her, but she was already gone.