But I Won't Do That

“What the hell did you ever do to earn that kind of loyalty, Potter?” Draco said sourly,straightening his robes.

“Nothing," Harry replied thickly, his eyes still on the door. “I don’t deserve it.”

Draco sat in the stool Ron had vacated and plucked the ice cream from the counter. He cast Scourgify on Ron’s spoon, and helped himself. “No arguments here,” he said in between bites.

Harry glowered at Draco, but couldn’t bring himself to argue. Ron’s the best of all of us, he thought, wiping away a few tears. He always has been. I should have told him a long time ago.

There was a clunk behind Harry; in a heartbeat, his and Draco’s wands were pointed at the source, but Harry lowered his quickly. “Crookshanks? I don’t believe it!”

Hermione’s cat leapt down off the sink and padded over to the counter where he wound around Harry’s legs, purring. “I’m amazed you’re still around,” Harry said, reaching down to stroke the cat’s fur. “You must be twelve or thirteen by now.” He looked up at Draco. “Why doesn’t he look any older? Don’t cats show age?”

“Who the hell cares?” Draco snapped. He was still pointing his wand. “That bloody cat is still coating my robes with fur, even through the Sealing Charms I cast on my closet! I swear one of these days I’m going to shave him!”

“No you won’t, if you don’t want to risk Hermione’s wrath.”

“I’ll pin it on Weasley,” Draco decided, although without conviction.

“I’ll tell Hermione,” Harry said with a slight grin.

“That’s great, Potter, fuck with my life some more.” Draco said, and smirked at Harry’s wince as his barb hit home. “I guess old habits die hard.”

“It wasn’t a habit, Draco,” Harry muttered, but he knew it wasn’t true. I certainly acted like an addict…

“That’s not what I meant,” Draco replied, and rolled his eyes at Harry’s confused look. “Oh, for Merlin’s sake, Potter. I mean that,” he said, pointing. “After more than four years, the second you feel threatened your first reaction is to point your wand.”

Harry looked down in mild surprise at his wand, which he was still holding. “It still feels natural,” he said with amazement.

“Even though you couldn’t Stun a fly right now.”

Harry looked thoughtfully at Draco for a moment. Then he pointed his wand and said “Accio!” and Draco’s wand shot out of his robes. Harry fumbled the catch a bit, but recovered.

Draco hadn’t reacted beyond raising his eyebrow. “I thought you’d forgotten everything, Potter.”

Harry spun Draco’s wand in his fingers. “Some things I don’t think you can ever forget,” he said a bit dreamily before handing the wand back. He focused on Draco again. “That was the first magic I’ve done in four years. And it was as easy as if I never left. How is that possible?”

“You always were powerful, Potter,” Draco said grudgingly. “Hell, you killed Voldemort; that pretty much made you the most powerful wizard in the world. That sort of power doesn’t just fade away.”

Draco was shocked by the haunted, terrified look that flickered across Harry’s face. He watched Harry place his wand on the table carefully, as though it might explode, and stare at it desolately. “Now what, Potter?”

“What do you think? You said it yourself, Draco – I killed him. I used my friends, I violated the people who cared the most for me, just so I could be strong enough to become a murderer. And when it was over, I was too much of a coward to face what I’d done, so I ran. And you said I was powerful…well, I never learned to control it, not properly, not with all the power I had access to. I’ve spent the last four years being scared stiff that if I tried to use magic to so much as light a candle I’d kill someone else.” He shivered. “Neville told me not to doubt that I’m back where I belong. But how can I not doubt it?”

“You’d rather go back and dig holes for the rest of your life, then?”

Harry smiled in spite of himself. “Hell, no. After seven years of Hogwarts, living as a Muggle was so dull and conventional I went completely mad after a few months. But I guess I had to, if I couldn’t face the disaster of a life I’d left behind. Not that my life wasn’t a disaster before the Charm…but that doesn’t make it better.”

Draco dropped his eyes to the countertop and stared blankly, picking idly at a chip in the wood. He opened his mouth several times, but each time something stopped him from voicing his thoughts. Finally, just as Harry was about to ask what was wrong, he spoke: “I’m sorry.”

“Sorry? For what? You didn’t-”

“Shut up, Harry, it’s not often I apologize- well, not and actually mean it, anyway.” Harry’s eyebrows shot up; he couldn’t remember ever having heard Draco call him Harry. “I’m as much to blame for the disaster of a life you had as anyone.”

Harry snorted. “I think V-Voldemort had a bit more to do with it…”

“You’d think so, wouldn’t you?” Draco said sourly with a little shake of his head. “You have no idea, no one does. I did things to you, our first six years, that even you don’t know about. Remember third year, you fell down the stairs and broke your leg?”

“I- yeah, of course. So?”

“I switched the steps,” Draco said softly. “I was there, on the other side of the wall, waiting for you to pass. I switched the trick step just long enough for you to fall, and then put it back.”

“You made me fall,” Harry growled.“You broke my leg? Why?”

“Oh, why do you think?” Draco snapped. “Orders from my father, of course! From the moment I told him you’d rejected my friendship on the train, I was told to make your life hell any way I could. Every time you tripped, or bumped your head, all your disasters in Potions, all of that I had a hand in. Every rumor about you, I started; every chance I saw for you to be happy I ruined! I slipped Diggory a note telling him to ask Chang to the Yule Ball; I fed that reporter Skeeter information during the Triwizard Tournament-”

“That, I knew. You weren’t as clever as you thought.”

“Really?” Draco sneered. “Well what about this? I knew what would happen during the third Task. I knew you’d be sent to Voldemort.”

“What?” Harry gaped at him. “No. That- that’s not possible.”

“No?” Draco was even paler than usual, and he wouldn’t meet Harry’s eyes. “Moody was Barty Crouch in disguise, remember? He was a Death Eater. And he knew my father was still loyal to Voldemort, so he passed me a note three days before the third Task, so I could send word to my father.”

Flashes of the graveyard flickered in Harry’s mind. Wormtail binding him, cutting his arm; the pain of the Cruciatus curse; Cedric’s blank, unseeing eyes. “Y-you-”

“I knew,” Draco muttered. “I knew and I didn’t say. All it would have taken was one word to Dumbledore. One word, and that ponce Diggory would still be alive, and Voldemort would never have returned.”

“How…how could you?” Harry whispered, his vision blurring with tears. “You h-had to know what it would mean! Dumbledore could have stopped it all! How could you not say something?”

“Because I was scared,” Draco admitted, still refusing to look at Harry. “I couldn’t- I wasn’t a Gryffindor, I’ve never been brave. He terrified me, I couldn’t go against him…”

“YOU LET HIM COME BACK!” Harry bellowed, grabbing the unresisting Draco and shaking him like a doll. “ALL THE PEOPLE WHO DIED! CEDRIC! SIRIUS! REMUS! YOU FUCKING KILLED THEM!”

“Don’t you think I know that?” Draco snapped, his voice breaking. “Why do you think I became an Auror, because of the kindness in my heart?”

“Guilt? You feel guilty? Is that why you gave in to the Charm so easily? Do you think that makes it all better?”

“Of course not-”

“Is that why you fucked me this afternoon too? Trying to give me back a little pleasure after eleven years of hell?”

Before Harry could blink he found himself pinned face down to the counter, his left arm twisted up his back. Draco had moved so fast Harry hadn’t even seen it coming. He struggled but Draco fought to keep him pinned. “I wanted to fuck you by choice for once, Potter!” Draco snapped thickly, trying to hold the larger man down. “You practically killed me, I just wanted some back!” One of Draco’s hands slipped off Harry’s wrist and started fumbling with his jeans. “Maybe I still think you owe me a bit-”

Harry managed to get his right elbow up, and it connected with the side of Draco’s head. Draco gave a grunt and let go of Harry, who spun and lunged at Draco, snarling, and slammed him against the wall. “Now you’re going to rape me, you bastard?” Harry growled as he grappled with Draco’s arms.

“No worse- than you did to me, Potter!” Draco gasped, furious tears running down his cheeks. “Your bloody Charm almost broke me, it destroyed who I was, it turned me into a fucking poof!” He shoved Harry away and tackled him to the ground.

“I know what I did!” Harry shouted, crying himself. “I exiled myself for four years! Four years, completely alone! Knowing you were all here, living your lives, hating me, being glad I was dead!”

They both tried to get leverage in their fight; Draco had years of Auror training behind him, but Harry was bigger and stronger, and they were evenly matched. Eventually they ended up on opposite sides of the kitchen, panting for breath. Draco’s head was swollen where Harry’s elbow had hit it, and Harry’s cheek was badly scratched. “Do you think-” Harry gasped roughly, “that I didn’t- spend the last four years- hating myself- for what I did?”

“Not enough- for my tastes- Potter,” Draco answered. “You just had to- curse me with- your nightmares- didn’t you?” He sneered at Harry’s shocked look. “Think you’re the only one who wakes up screaming? Who gets to see Diggory’s flesh rotting off his body?”

“Cedric? You- you have nightmares about Cedric?”

“I have nightmares about everyone who died because I was a coward,” Draco snapped, wiping his eyes on his sleeve. “I’ve killed six Death Eaters since I joined the Aurors, Potter, and not a one of them bothers me at night, not even dear old dad, Baron Lucius Malfoy. But everyone who I could’ve saved with a few words – they queue up and take turns reminding me I’m scum.” Draco dropped his eyes to his hands, and his face twisted in more misery than Harry had ever seen. “I’m going to spend the rest of my life in penance for what I’ve done,” he whispered. “And when I die I’ll still end up in Hell, chained for eternity to the same rock as my father.”

Harry and Draco sat silently, recovering the last of their breath. Finally Harry gathered enough wits to lick his lips. “You killed your own father?”

Draco raised his head; his sweaty, tear-streaked face was back to its typical expressionless mask. He shrugged, somehow failing in his attempt at nonchalance. “He would’ve killed me. Anyway, from what the rumors say, Weasley Junior’s done far worse.”

Before Harry could respond the door swung open and Ron walked through, carrying a large owl. “Malfoy, this owl just arrived from the Ministry-” He stopped and stared at the two of them, and Harry barely managed to scramble to his feet and grab Ron’s arm before Ron went for Draco. The owl hooted indignantly and landed on the counter as Ron bellowed “What the hell did you do, Malfoy?”

“Ron, don’t!” Harry said quickly, dragging Ron away from Draco.

“What’s going on, Harry?” Ron growled furiously.

“It doesn’t matter, Ron! Really, forget it!” Harry insisted as Draco pulled himself to his feet and casually removed the owl’s message.

Harry and Ron both watched silently as Draco read the letter, his expression growing annoyed. “Oh, honestly,” he snapped when he finished. “Don’t these people ever sleep?” He flipped the letter over, pulled out a quill and jotted down a quick reply, and put it in the owl’s pouch. “The bloody Wizengamot needs to see me again,” he snarled in response to the inquisitive looks. “Yet another life-threatening assignment, I expect.”

“No rest for the wicked, huh?” Harry said quietly. Ron gave him an odd look.

“Formerly wicked, Potter,” Draco corrected with a raised eyebrow. “Although I can still pull out the wicked when I need to.” He turned to the door and sent the owl off. “Well, I can’t say this has been a touching reunion,” he drawled as he made to Apparate, “but I have to go make myself presentable again. Potter, do me a favor and stop Lovegood from jumping off the roof, will you? I’d hate for her to ruin the ironwork on the way down.”

“Wh-what?” Harry stuttered, confused. “What do you mean?”

“Just what I said, of course.”

“Draco!” Harry called out just before Draco could Apparate.

“What?”

Harry looked into Draco’s blank face and remembered the misery that had been there just a minute before. “Draco…I don’t know if it matters to you, but…even after what you said, I don’t think you’re scum.”

Draco stared at Harry for a full minute without moving. Ron glanced back and forth between them, confused and outraged. Finally Draco’s face tightened slightly in anger, and he Apparated away.

“What the bloody hell was that about?” Ron barked. “Harry? Harry, what did he say to you?”

“Nothing, Ron,” Harry answered. “Nothing that wasn’t true.” He sighed at Ron’s frustrated expression. “Ron, Draco has his own way of…dealing with what I did.”

“That doesn’t mean he can attack you!”

“I gave as good as I got, Ron,” Harry said with a wry grin. “I’m fine.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah.” Harry hesitated, and then crushed Ron in a hug. “Thanks, Ron,” he muttered.

“Uh…sure,” Ron answered uncertainly. “For- for what?”

Harry drew back and looked Ron right in the eyes. “For being a better friend than I deserve or had the right to hope for. For- for even being willing to consider forgiving what I did. For being the best of all of us, and not even knowing it.” He swallowed. “Thanks.”

Ron blushed as red as his hair. “Um,” he mumbled, “you’re welcome.”

Harry extricated himself and stepped back. “Uh…do you know what Draco meant a minute ago? About Luna, I mean.”

“Oh, he was probably just being cryptic Malfoy,” Ron said dismissively. “Luna’s fine, Harry, she’s not crazy enough to jump off the roof.”

“No, I guess not,” Harry said, but he wasn’t convinced.

“Have a snack with me?”

Harry grinned. “Another snack? Glad to see you haven’t lost your appetite.”

“Like that could ever happen,” Ron said with a chuckle. “C’mon, you’ll feel better.”

“Thanks, but I’m not really hungry. I think I’ll head back upstairs and try to sleep.”

Ron shrugged. “Okay, but when you realize you still can’t, you should come back down. I’ll probably still be here.”

Harry laughed. “Enjoy your snack, Ron.”

Thanks, Harry. Night.”

“Night.”