Going Through the Motions

A/N: I want to thank each and every one of you who reviewed my first missing chapter.. I really appreciate it.. Reading them has brought the story back on my mind, much more so than before. So, expect a brand-new chapter at some point next week, as i\'ll be out of town this weekend.. But for now, enjoy the second missing chapter!!

Disclaimer: I don\'t own Harry Potter or anything connected to it; that would be JK Rowling and Scholastic Books. So don\'t sue; I\'m broke.. heh..

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Going Through the Motions
by Squall Thrawn
Chapter 8 - Why is the Path Unclear?

“Morning, Harry,” said Seamus, as he got out of bed and stretched to get out the kinks. “Did you manage any sleep last night?”

Seamus had been awoken the previous night by loud moaning and groaning. He had looked over at Harry’s bed to see him thrashing about, obviously in the throes of a horrible nightmare. However, when he shook Harry awake, the Irish boy had been greeted with a look of utter despair and sadness. After refusing to tell Seamus what his dream had been about, Harry had turned over and faced the wall. Seamus had given up and gone back to bed, though he hadn’t gotten too much sleep because of his worry for Harry.

“Some,” grunted Harry. He looked over at Seamus, and the Irish boy once more noted the haunted look in his eyes. The past few days, Seamus had noticed a slight change in Harry’s demeanour: a little more bounce in his step, not as much sadness. Now, it seemed Harry was even worse than on the day he arrived on the Hogwarts Express.

Seamus’s worry intensified at breakfast as he watched Harry pick at his food disinterestedly. He also noticed that Harry wasn’t as eager to play at being boyfriends. And Seamus was both happy and sad about that particular fact. It really hurt whenever Harry treated him like a boyfriend, when he knew that Harry didn’t really mean it. Seamus had managed to block his hurt feelings during the day when they were around other people by allowing himself to be swept up in it and pretending it was all real. Granted, the painful feelings would come back tenfold in the privacy of their room. Therefore, any lessening of the pain was a good thing. Granted, a part of Seamus still missed the constant closeness; regardless of the sentiments behind the actions, it still felt good whenever Harry held him or vice versa.

“Hey, Seamus,” said Dean Thomas, as the tall black boy sat down next to him. Seamus inwardly grinned. At least some things were looking up.

Two days after Ron had unilaterally decided to swap rooms with Seamus, Dean had confronted Harry and Seamus after Defence Against the Dark Arts class.

*Flashback*

“Hey, Seamus, can we talk?” asked Dean, stepping in front of the supposed couple. Harry noted that Ron was nowhere to be seen. “The three of us, I mean. Since you seem to be dating Harry here, I figured this concerns him too.”

“I guess so,” said Seamus, looking sceptical. Dean led them to an unused classroom not too far away. Once they got there, they sat in awkward silence for a while, as Dean seemed ill at ease.

“What did you want to talk about?” asked Harry, finally.

“I… wanted to apologize for letting Ron kick Seamus out of our room,” said Dean, hanging his head. “I had no part in it; it was entirely Ron’s idea.”

“Even if it was his idea,” said Harry, “you still went along with it.” Harry was still fuming mad about Ron’s sudden reversal.

“I didn’t really have a choice,” disagreed Dean. “I got back from class, and found him piling the last of his things in our room. I was going to argue with him, but I realized that there really wasn’t a point.” Dean sighed. “Either way, Harry, Ron wasn’t going to room with you anymore. He made that plain to me over the last few days. I guess I figured it wasn’t worth the hassle; and besides, I figured that since the two of you were together, you might enjoy the shared room.” He made a face. “I just hate the way it actually happened.”

Seamus was shocked at Dean’s unexpected admission. “You mean… you don’t hate me or anything?” asked Seamus, finally speaking.

“Seam,” said Dean, “you’re my best friend; that’s not going to change just because of something like this. It took me a little while to adjust to all of these sudden revelations. I mean, one night, I’m finding out that Harry fancies guys, the next day I’m hearing about how the two of you have been a couple a year and a half.” Dean gave them a piercing look. “That, I don’t believe, but I sort of gather that you actually are together now; a blind man could see that.” Dean shook his head ruefully. “The last couple of days, I’ve just been following Ron, listening to him. And when he did the swap, I realized just how far I’d allowed him to take me. And I realized something: we’ve been friends now since we entered Hogwarts, and I don’t want something like this to end our friendship.

“Dean,” said Harry, hesitantly, “do you know why Ron did what he did? I mean, moving out of our room is a far cry from just taking a few days to process things.”

Dean shrugged. “I guess he just doesn’t like gays. I do know that he was revolted by the fact that he shared a kiss with Seamus here. And that was before he found out that Seamus bats for your side.” Dean made a face. “Now I have to listen to daily rants about the newest perverted thing you two are doing.”

“In that case, Harry, let’s see if we can come up with something new to get Ron,” said Seamus, smiling. “I say we rub his nose in all this.” He turned to Dean. “Thanks a lot, mate. I know I won’t be able to spend as much time hanging out with you as before, but I still want to spend time with ya.” The two of them exchanged one-armed hugs.

*End Flashback*

“Harry, why aren’t you eating more?” asked Ginny, frowning. She had finally noticed Harry’s lack of food consumption; she and Hermione had been whispering back and forth.

Harry shrugged. “Not hungry, Ginny.” Hermione frowned, but didn’t say anything. She instead gave Seamus a look that spoke louder than words that she wanted to speak to him afterwards.

“Ron doesn’t look too happy,” volunteered Neville, who was sitting on the other side of Hermione. He had been fairly shy the last couple of days, not offering his opinions on Harry and Seamus, but he had started sitting and talking with them last night. Hermione privately considered that a good sign.

Seamus looked down the Gryffindor table. Ron was sitting at the end by himself, eating his food quickly. “Ha, he’s all alone down there,” laughed Seamus. “Serves him right, the bloody homophobe.”

Harry stood up. “I’m leaving right now; I forgot something in our room. I’ll see you in Charms.” He briefly, almost perfunctorily, gave Seamus a peck on the forehead before leaving the Great Hall.

Hermione gave Seamus another meaningful look. He cleared his throat. “I’m heading for class too, guys. I’ll see you all later.” He got up and left as well, followed by Hermione.

“Ok, Seamus, what’s wrong with him?” asked Hermione. “The past few days, it seemed like Harry was getting better. He didn’t seem depressed as much; he was opening up to me and Ginny. And you, especially. Now he seems worse than he was at the Leaky Cauldron this summer.”

“He had a bad nightmare,” said Seamus, grimly. “When I managed to wake him up, he gave me one of the saddest, most hopeless looks I’ve ever seen. He wouldn’t tell me what the nightmare was about, either. Then, this morning, he was already up when I awoke. He’s barely talked to me, and the closeness we had is all but gone. If not for that quick peck on the forehead, I’m sure everybody would be talking about how we broke up or something.”

“Well,” said Hermione, considering. “He had Occlumency practice last night. It may have lowered his mental defences or something like that. You-Know-Who could have sent him a bad dream, or he could have created one from his own sub-conscious. Merlin knows he’s got an awful lot going on,” said Hermione, sighing

“What do you suggest, Hermione?” asked Seamus in a despairing tone. “I need to find some way to help Harry out.”

“I’ll have a talk with him tonight,” promised Hermione. “I’ve been meaning to have a chat with him for a while, now.”

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Harry hurried down the halls of Hogwarts towards N.E.W.T. Charms class. He had purposely waited until the last minute to arrive; Hermione and Seamus were both in his class, and he didn’t much feel like being interrogated about his mood.

“Where’s your other half, Potter?” a familiar drawling voice called from behind him. Harry kept walking to class as if he hadn’t heard anything. “Forget the Mick in your precious tower?” Malfoy’s voice sounded rather amused.

“Bugger off, Malfoy,” replied Harry, in a monotone voice.

Malfoy hurried up and got in front of Harry, blocking his path. “Don’t you dare ignore me, Potter,” said Malfoy, annoyed.

“Fine, what do you want, Malfoy?” asked Harry, exasperated. The blonde Slytherin was the last person he wanted to deal with at the moment.

“We need to meet,” said Malfoy, his voice low. In a louder voice, he said, “What I want is to mock you and your fairy of a boyfriend.”

“Not right now, Malfoy, I’ve got other things to worry about,” muttered Harry. “Still jealous of the two of us?” he asked, louder. He still had enough presence of mind to continue this particular charade.

“Saturday night, near the Whomping Willow,” whispered Malfoy. Once again, he spoke louder to convince any in the area that they were just having one of their usual arguments. “Believe me, Potter,” Malfoy spat, “I’d never be jealous of the two of you! The Git-Who-Lived and the Mick. Ha!”

“Fine, Malfoy. But I’m bringing Seamus and Hermione along.” Harry quickly darted away, yelling back one last retort to Malfoy, “Come back and talk when you’ve finally come out of the closet.” And Harry was gone, heading down the Charms corridor.

Draco stood there seething for a moment. Even when he wasn’t the best of moods, Potter still managed to get the last word in. And he definitely didn’t want to meet with the Mick and the Mudblood. However, at the moment, Potter seemed to be calling the shots. Draco silently resolved to change that.

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It was evening, and Harry was spending a quiet night in his room, studying. Seamus had finally given up trying to talk to him after Harry continually refused to respond. He said he was going for a walk.

Just then, somebody knocked on the door. “Harry, it’s Hermione, can I come in?” There was a brief pause. “I know you’re in there, Seamus told he just left you in there.”

Harry sighed. This was going to be a fun conversation. “Fine. Come in, Hermione.”

The bushy-haired girl opened the door and peered at Harry inquiringly. He looked almost exactly as he did when she’d first seen him in the Leaky Cauldron that summer.

“So, Harry, what’s going on?” asked Hermione without any preamble. She sat down on Seamus’s bed, across from him.

Harry gestured to the books and parchment scattered around him. “I’m doing my schoolwork. I thought you’d be pleased.”

Hermione shot him a look. “You know that’s not what I mean. I mean, what’s going on today. You’ve been giving Seamus the cold shoulder, and you know he deserves a little more than that. He’s done a lot, given up a lot for you.”

“Well, at least he’s got his best friend back,” said Harry, almost sullenly. “Not that I’m bitter.”

“I know that’s not what this is all about,” said Hermione, calmly, “but let’s talk about that. Seamus’s best friend, after a couple of tense days, finally accepted him. And yours moved out of your room without so much as a by your leave. I’m sure part of that has to rankle.”

Harry sighed. “And that’s what I feel bad about: the fact that I do feel a little bitter. I want nothing more than to be happy for him, but, nevertheless, it still hurts that I didn’t get the same kind of support from my own best friend.” Harry slumped back onto his bed. “Bloody hell, Hermione, I wish you weren’t right all the time.”

“In this particular case, Harry, I wish I had been wrong,” said Hermione, sadly.

“I honestly just don’t see it, ‘Mione,” said Harry, sighing. “I know Ron said that he needed some time to process this, but after only two days, he’s already decided that he won’t be able to accept me. And then he moves out just like that!”

Hermione shrugged. “I’m guessing that display in the Great Hall on Monday was too much for him.” Hermione’s voice took on a contemplating tone. “You know, this could mean that Ron’s the informant. He has a motive, after all. And he did have a peculiar look on his face when the two of you entered the Hall hand in hand the other night.”

Harry sighed. “Then again, that could have been simple shock: one night I come out to him, the next day I’m supposedly dating one of his housemates.” Harry briefly frowned.

Hermione caught Harry’s look. “Harry, I’m going to ask you a very personal question, and I really need to know the answer,” said Hermione, steeling herself. “And I know it’s none of my business, but I need to ask anyway. It’s the reason I came here tonight in the first place.”

“Fine, ask,” said Harry, not too happy at her firm tone. “I won’t guarantee an answer, though.”

“What, exactly, is going on between you and Seamus?” asked Hermione.

“What do you mean, Hermione?” asked Harry, with an artfully puzzled look on his face. He knew she was asking about his nightmare, but purposely misunderstood the question. “You were there when I proposed the idea. We’re pretending to be together to throw off the informant and the Slytherins. We’re just good friends. I’m not even sure if Seamus is gay or not, Hermione,” added Harry.

Hermione sighed. “I know I shouldn’t be telling you this, but if I left it up to the two of you, you’d just muck it up worse.” She composed herself. “Seamus is gay, and he has a major crush on you, Harry.”

“I... He…” Harry stuttered. He certainly hadn’t expected that one. His first response was to deny vehemently Hermione’s assertions, but then, as he started to think about the situation, things started to fall into place. Now, all of the odd things and actions Seamus had said and done over the last few days suddenly made a certain amount of sense.

Hermione watched a variety of expressions flash across Harry’s face, but said nothing. She was already afraid she might have said too much.

“I think you’re probably right,” said Harry, finally. He shook his head. “I must have been stupid not to see it before; Seamus’s actions have all but screamed it out to me.” Harry sighed.

“Harry…” Hermione hesitated a moment. “That brings me to my central point… Do you think you might have feelings for Seamus?”

“Why would you think that?” asked Harry, a little harsher than he intended. Regardless of whether or not Hermione had the best intentions, the interrogation was annoying him. Any feelings he had for Seamus were none of her business.

“Just the way the two of you interact around the castle,” explained Hermione. “I know that you’re both playing a role; well, at least you are. But at the same time, there seem to be quite a few tender gestures, remarks that you almost seem to do without thinking. If you’re acting, you’re doing a hell of a job.”

“So?” asked Harry, his voice now very harsh. “Fine, I’m an accomplished actor, which explains why my best friend never realized I was gay. That doesn’t mean there’s anything else there.”

“I don’t understand where you’re coming from, Harry,” said Hermione, a tad shocked at his attitude. “Is there anything wrong with admitting you have feelings for Seamus? I mean, the whole castle already thinks you’re dating, and you know that Ginny and I would back you.”

“Hermione, the reason why I’m not admitting to have feelings for Seamus is because there are no feelings to admit to,” said Harry, in a somewhat loud voice. He stood up and started pacing around the room. His footsteps were loud enough that he never heard the quickly retreating footsteps coming from the other side of the closed door, nor did he hear the suppressed sobs.

Hermione almost left the room after Harry’s outburst, afraid Harry was going to lash out or something. However, something made her stay, an impulse that there was more going on here. The erratic way Harry was acting, his reactions whenever Seamus was mentioned… Hermione decided to go out on a limb.

“You do have feelings for Seamus,” said Hermione, quietly. Harry shot her a look, but she continued. “And you’re afraid of what that means, because it might make Seamus a target.” The look on Harry’s face told her louder than words that she was onto something. “And that’s what your nightmare last night was about. You realized just how much it would hurt if you lost him.”

“Might make him a target?” asked Harry, in a low, bitter voice. “I’ve already made him one. Once Voldemort finds out that I’m supposedly dating him, Seamus will be his number one target. Because of a lie perpetuated by me.” Harry shook his head. “I allowed my emotions to cloud my judgment, and now Seamus is the one’ll have to pay the price. At this point, the best thing I could do for Seamus is cut myself off from him. He may hate me for it, but at least he’ll be alive. What’s my other choice? Keep this lie going, watch Voldemort kill Seamus, and break my heart while he’s at it. I’ve told you before; I honestly don’t think I could take any more emotional wounds at the moment… I still haven’t recovered from Cedric, let alone Sirius. And then it would be child’s play for him to kill me.” Harry sighed. “It’s probably going to happen, regardless. The best I can do is keep all of you out of it, Seamus included.”

“So that’s what you\'re going to do?” asked Hermione, derision in her voice. “Just cut yourself off from your friends? Lie to Seamus, tell him that you don’t have any feelings for him?” Hermione shook her head. “We’re your friends, Harry. You owe us more than that. And speaking for myself, I don’t care what you say; you’re stuck with me, Harry, whether you like it or not.”

Harry chuckled ruefully. “I’m all too aware of that, Hermione. As for Seamus, I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do about him,” said Harry, sighing. “If I just break off this false relationship abruptly… If it’s true what you said about him having a crush on me, it’ll break his heart. And, assuming our friendship still remains, it’ll put a major strain on it.” Harry shook his head. “I’ll have to think about it some more. If you come up with anything, please tell me.”

“I will, Harry,” Hermione promised. “And Harry… please talk to us, communicate with us when there’s something going on. I don’t want to have to drag it out of you every time.” She smiled at him fondly as she got up and headed towards the door. “And please don’t tell Seamus what I told you.”

Harry chuckled. “I’ll see what I can do about that, ‘Mione. By the way, Hermione, Malfoy wants to meet, Saturday night.”

“And you’re still going along with his little plan?” asked Hermione, sceptically.

“I’m keeping an open mind,” said Harry. “He might be able to shed some light on this informant business, as well.”

“Regardless of what he says,” said Hermione, “don’t turn your back on him. A leopard doesn’t change its spots.” With that, she left the room, as Harry closed the door behind her. Harry sat back down on his bed, amidst the books and parchment, getting back to work. Nevertheless, his mind still occasionally strayed to the current problem at hand. And he still hadn’t told Hermione about the prophecy…

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A few hours later, the door slowly opened, and Seamus entered the room. Harry glanced up sharply.

“There you are,” said Harry, relieved. “I was about to send a search party out to look for you.” Even if he hadn’t found a solution to his problem, Harry had decided to shape up his attitude, at least. Hermione had made him realize how much he had hurt his friends simply by bottling up his problems inside.

“Sorry, Harry,” said Seamus in a hoarse voice. Harry looked over at him with a certain degree of concern. Even from across the room, it appeared as if Seamus had been crying for a protracted amount of time.

“What’s the matter?” asked Harry in a soft voice. He hoped that it wasn’t something he had done. “It looks like you’ve been crying.”

Seamus looked down at the ground. “I don’t know what you mean, Harry. It was a really quick downpour that I got caught in.”

Harry looked sceptically at Seamus’s dry robes, and then at the open window. Everything looked dry outside. “If you say so,” said Harry, dubiously. Even though he now knew about Seamus’s feelings, he still didn’t know how to bring it up. Hermione had sworn him to secrecy. “By the way, Seamus,” added Harry, “I’m sorry for acting like a total prick today. You didn’t deserve the way I treated you. I promise it won’t happen again.”

Seamus nodded jerkily. “Don’t worry about it, Harry. It’s water under the bridge.” Seamus went over to his book bag and pulled out his homework.

The two spent the rest of the evening quietly doing their homework, occasionally breaking the silence to ask a question about the assignment. True to his word, Professor Parthagonian was indeed a strict taskmaster. After only two days spent in his class, they already had a lot of homework assigned.

That night, while Harry was slumbering in the bed next to him, snoring lightly, Seamus laid there, unable to sleep. All he could think of was the conversation between Harry and Hermione that he had overheard. He hadn’t heard much, but what he did hear was one sentence he would never forget: ‘The reason why I’m not admitting to have feelings for Seamus is because there are no feelings to admit to.’ With one single sentence, Harry had taken Seamus’s hopes and dreams and smashed them all to pieces. And with that thought, Seamus did what was becoming a regular habit for him: he cried himself to sleep.

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And the angst returns!! But in all reality, it should have been expected... I mean, after being depressed all summer and trying to keep his friends at arms length, he\'s just gonna endanger Seamus\' life? Well, maybe... You\'ll have to wait to find out.. the choice was made, and in a few chapters, we\'ll find out who Harry ends up with!!

Please Read and Review!!

aim: XxSquallThrawnxX