For all Joy wants Eternity

Chapter 8


The sun rose from behind the small hills in the East.

Watching how the first rays of the new day bathed the low clouds
in a warm amber light and how they woke this patch of the world
with a gentle stroke of soft brightness, witnessing the morning
greeting the honey-coloured, slowly ascending disc with its own
early sounds, smells and movements of life was like a glowing
promise to Severus. A bright reassurance. Something warm and
soft to rely on, to lose himself in, something he could allow
to embrace him without being smashed into pathetic fragments
by the contact.

With a deep sigh, the Slytherin leaned back against the wall
behind him and closed his eyes, let the warmth of the young day
tingle upon his face, welcomed its caressing touch. This sunrise
was more than evidence that the darkness of the past hours was
finally over. It meant that he had managed to leave the castle
where Voldemort had left him after personally, violently having
reminded the spy of both the duties that lay in bearing the Skull
and Serpent on his left arm and the consequences that the
three symbols on his chest represented. The Dark Lord had
used very convincing arguments to make his point.

But this sunrise proved that Severus had made it through another
encounter with his fate. It meant that he was still alive.

That he would go back to his cursed and desperate existence.
That he would return to Hogwarts Castle as soon as he was able
to. That he would have to come back here.

This sunrise meant that Remus Lupin had returned to his
human form by now...

Slow footsteps from the left drew Severus's attention away from
the disturbing direction in which his thoughts had begun to wander.
Banishing the last traces of the werewolf's vision from his mind
and not even bothering to open his eyes, the spy let go of his breath
in an audible hiss before he spoke.

"Still here, Lucius?"

Instead of an answer, he could hear the other Slytherin
coming closer. Eyes flying open, Severus could feel all of his
muscles tense in the already alarmingly familiar fear he had
experienced last night upon Malfoy's approach as well; and just
when the spy was sure that all it would take was one more step
of Lucius in his direction to make him jump up, ready to defend
himself from the threat the other's closeness represented, the
blond Death Eater stopped to sit down beside his former housemate.
The distance of a little more than a meter he left between them
indicated that he obviously intended to respect the fact that
Severus claimed a much larger private space than others
usually did.

Even though he kept his defences up to a certain extent, the
spy managed to relax a little. It looked as if Malfoy had
learned his lesson last night. Only Lucius's grey eyes that
Severus felt burning into his left temple dded ded contact, and
tired and worn as he was, he gave in to the forceful request after
only a few moments of silence. Turning his aching head, Severus
calmly met the gaze of the other Death Eater.

The honesty that awaited him there, and that was mirrored in
the other's voice now, surprised him.

"I had a feeling that maybe you might need me...afterwards."

A bitter smile flitted across the spy's exhausted features.

"As touched as I am by this generous offer, I really don't see
any possibility fou tou to prove your helpfulness."

The other Slytherin continued to watch Severus. Carefully.
Thoughtfully.

"I thought of something like Apparating you back to Hogwarts..."

Severus’s sharp snort kept Lucius from finishing his sentence.

"And I'm sure you can also tell me the reason why you think I
would need your help with that."

The blond Death Eater looked away, turned his head to focus
on the colourful sky before them.

"Because you're still here, Severus. If you trusted your body and
mind enough to Disapparate, you would have done so by now. He
left two hours ago, two hours you didn't make use of to get
away from here. I don't believe that you suddenly discovered
a special liking for this place, or that you long to dwell a little
more in the pleasant memories it represents."

Not quite sure if it was due to the truth that lay in those words,
or simply because of the fact that Lucius, who had been a
distinctive part of those 'pleasant memories' dared to state the
horrors Severus had just gone through so ironically, the spy
felt a violent wave of fury well up inside him over Malfoy's
absolutely accurate analysis of his, Severus's, situation. More
than content to hear the cutting edge in his own voice, he
willingly gave in to the urgent need to hurt the man beside
him.

If this was even possible.

"You surprise me, Lucius. Do you really think spending some
minutes in the same room listening to your stammered
explanations and excuses could ever make me trust you enough
again to risk something like Co-Apparating with *you*? To put
my life in *your* hands, just like that? After all that happened last
night?"

Watching the obvious difficulties Malfoy had fighting the mixture
of guilt and remorse that threatened to creep over his features
was priceless and indescribably satisfying. Letting his voice
grow even colder, Severus couldn't resist adding more fuel to the
fire.

"Who knows what his orders for you concerning me look like this
time."

The growing brightness that glimmered through the morning air
seemed to deepen the perfect silence that had fallen between
the two men who sat in front of the old castle.

Severus wasn't sure if his exhaustion was to blame for it or if he
was simply too tired to hold on to his rage, but for whatever
reason, he could feel how the furious tumult inside of him shattered,
how his cold anger melted with the growing light and warmth of
the new day. One glance to his left that showed him Malfoy's
bent head and how his former housemate had fixated on some
point upon the ground with an unmoving fahow how he tightly
clasped his elegant fingers, now freed from their black leather
gloves, washed away all of the remnants of those intense
emotions that had still been boiling inside of the spy only moments
before.

With a sigh, Severus leaned forward. All his weary mind and body
wanted was to relax for awhile longer, to havehave to speak or
to think or to feel at all, whether it be rage or vague regret. Lucius's
company was tiring, demanding, mentally and physically. The
constant alert the other Death Eater's presence put him on
drained Severus of the strength he was just about to rebuild.
And the emotional strain, a result of the subliminal fight
the two of them were caught in for decades now which made it
even more difficult to deal with last night's events, as well as
with the obvious and honest consternation Malfoy was displaying
ever since, totally overtaxed Severus's emotional, physical and
mental capabilities. There was no energy left to argue or to fight,
no resources for any emotions that went beyond the vital urge to
recover enough to be able to Disapparate, no strength he could
spare for anything else but to concentrate on his own needs.

And he *needed* to be alone.

"Listen, Lucius, I...do appreciate your concern and readiness
to help. But there's nothing more you can do but give me a
chance to rest - on my own." The spy paused. "Please."

Out of the corner of his eye, Severus perceived a slow movement,
and a moment later he could feel how Lucius's gaze had returned
to him. He wasn't sure if the other Slytherin was willing to accept
this admittedly rather oblique offer of peace, and he wouldn't have
cared either, had it not been for his urgent need of solitude.
Severus knew that this modest request to be left alone was all he
would be able to come up with right now. it was the only evidence
he could give of his good will to avoid another one of the verbal
exchanges he and Malfoy usually got caught in for once. All
he could do now was hope that Lucius would be satisfied with
that as well.

The small nod beside him made Severus look at the other Death
Eater again, who now elegantly rose to stand beside the spy,
not letting him out of his sight. Lucius's soft voice gave the
lie to his scrutiny.

"If that is what you wish."

Severus managed to hold the other's stare for a few more
moments before he finally closed his eyes.

"Thank you."

He would never know if Malfoy had been able to hear those two
words before he had finally complied with his request and
Disapparated. When Severus opened his eyes again, he was alone
with the early morning.


------------------------------------------------------------------


The door slammed shut on nothing but empty space
between him and the entrance to his quartersthe the East Tower,
waking Remus Lupin from the light doze he had fallen into after
Sirius had left about half an hour ago under Harry's Invisibility
Cloak to get their breakfast from the kitchens. Sirius did so every
morning, but today was the morning after the Full Moon, and
knowing about his friend's exhaustion due to the transformation,
he had returned from the house elves' realm much sooner
than he usually did.

But when the Animagus emerged from under thimmeimmering fabric,
Remus knew immediately that there was more to the hurry Sirius
apparently was in than the will to take as good care of a friend
as possible. The face under the black hair was unusually pale,
and the reserved look in those eyes told the werewolf that
something was wrong. Terribly wrong.

Remus got up from the sofa on which he had been waiting for his
Friend to return and slowly made his wo tho the table in the middle
Of the room. Stopping behind one of the three chairs surrounding
it, he threw the Animagus a calmly questioning glance.

With a tense smile, but avoiding the werewolf's eyes, Sirius
put the tray on the table.

"I'm really sorry, Remus, but I won't be able to share breakfast
with you today, I...there are things for me to do, but don't
hope to have lunch's dessert all to yourself! There's
no chance I’ll miss a gooseberry mousse!"

Somewhere in his stomach, Remus could feel how the first
threads of his slowly building fear began to entangle, forming a
small but already painful knot.

Something had happened. Something Sirius obviously knew.
And it was just as clear that Sirius didn't want to tell him.

Silently, the werewolf watched how his friend quickly set the
table and emptied the tray, spreading a luxurious breakfast
before him, up to Hogwarts usual standards. Remus
desperatelitedited for Sirius to speak agaprayprayed to the
Lion of Gryffindor for the Animagus to prove that he was being
a hypersensitive and paranoid fool. But Sirius finished
preparing Remus's breakfast, flashed his friend another
apologetic smile, mumbled something about seeing him later
and turned towards the door.


Only after Sirius had already transformed into a huge black dog
did the werewolf seem to awake from the unbelieving
trance his fear had sent him into, and wihe jhe jolt that ripped
through him, reason set in again as well. If Sirius, or Albus, for
that matter, had so obviously decided not to tell him about
whatever it was that had happened, if they thought it necessary to
protect him from the news because of the weak state his mind,
soul and body were in...

"Sirius!"

The urgent call stopped the Animagus right in front of the door.

"Is it something you think I don't have a right to know that you’re
trying to conceal from me?"

The dog turned his head and watched Remus with dark, sad
eyes for a moment before his shape changed to become a man
once more. When Sirius took a step in his friend's direction,
the werewolf could almost taste the uneasiness that radiated from
the Animagus. He didn't even try to pretend that Remus wasn’t
right.

"Why don't we talk about this as soon as there are reliable facts,
Remus? Right now, all we have are assumptions and unconfirmed
suspicions. I would really hate to confront you wthatthat when
it's very likely that everything will be cleared up soon."

If anything, those sentences only deepened the dark premonitions
that had started to tumble through the werewolf's head in every
imaginable form. Beating about the bush like that was not like
Sirius at all.

"Will you believe me that the most unbearable thing you can
confront me with is my continuing ignorance, Sirius?"

The conflict he was in was perfectly mirrored in the
Animagus's eyes. The werewolf could see the struggle his friend
was caught in, the fight between wanting to protect and care for
Remus’s physical and emotional well being on the one
hand and his understanding of the horrible feeling of being
left out the werewolf was facing right now out on the other.
Remus felt a strong sense of guilt building inside. He knew he
was pushing the other man who meant so much to him, he was
totally aware of the fact that he had initiated Sirius's being torn
like that. He hoped that he would be able to explain to his friend
afterwards. To make him see that he had had no other choice.

But now, he simply needed to know.

"Please, Sirius. Don't leave me in the dark like that."

In the Animagus's eyes that were watching him intently, the
werewolf could read how a decision was being made.

"Remus..."The other's voice broke off momentarily, seemed to
refuse to articulate the words a hesitating mind had sent to his
organs of speech. Helplessness dawned in Sirius's desperate
gaze, and for a split second his eyes were begging for a way out
before he exhaled audibly and went on. Determination to
get over and done with this as fast as possible was now written
across his face.

"A member of the Order is missing."

Remus felt his fingers closing around the back of the chair
in front of him, cramping into claws ready to tear the cushion
down to the stuffing. Something was screaming this missing
person's name to him before Sirius continued speaking.

"All Albus knows is that Voldemort called his Death Eaters
to a meeting last night; Snape seemed to only have had time to
brief Albus about that by owl yesterday. So when the Headmaster
didn't hear from him again ever since, he didn't worry too much at
first. Apparently, Snape has taken reporting back from his
missions less than seriously lately. But when he didn't show up
for breakfast this morning..."

Feeling his heart freeze from the inside out, the werewolf fought
the slight dizziness that had suddenly attacked him. For an
instant, there was nothing more to his being but a vast and
desolate void. As desperately as he was searching for a single
thought, for only one emotional reaction to respond to this
information, all that answered him was silent, plain shock.

Paralysis.

With a sigh, Sirius closed the distance between him and his
friend who was still standing behind the chair, clutching the
back of it, obviously unable to speak. Deep concern and worry
written over his expressive face, the Agus gus reached out and
gently covered both of Remus's cramped hands with his own.

"We still don't know that he's not simply out there somewhere,
busily executing Voldemort's orders. As far as we know,
the Dark Lord is not very likely to have regard for Snape's
duties at school if he needs hisewhsewhere. Maybe things
just took a little longer this time, whatever those 'things'
might have been." A bitter note had crept into Sirius's voice.

"There are so many possibilities, Remus, and that means that
there also is a real chance that nothing serious has happened
to him. We’ll do anything in our power to find out; please
believe me! Right now, Albus is in contact with some informer
outside, and I was just on my way to join a search party to
scour the school grounds and the surrounding area when you
held me back. If he's here, we will find him."

The werewolf's fingers curled around those of his friend, whose
thumbs were now soothingly stroking over his icy skin. With a
small smile, Remus gently pressed both of the Animagus's hands
and managed a nod before he spoke, his voice shaking slightly.

"So what are you still doing here then?"

He could clearly see how relief washed over Sirius's
tense features upon this attempt at a playful reproach. The
Animagus even returned the werewolf's smile when he
answered.

"I have my priorities, you know."

And with a last searching, intense look at his friend's face,
Sirius's body melted into the form of the big dog again. Having
reached the door in two long leaps, Snuffles opened it
with a fast movement of his paw and swiftly left the room,
this time for good.

Slowly, Remus pulled the chair back and sat down at the table,
lest his legs should betray him.

He could see Severus before his inner eye as if he was standing
in front of his door again, as if it was yesterday evening. He
clearly remembered the tension in the Slytherin's every move,
and glance, in each of his few words. He had been able to read
the pain in the spy's eyes and body language, a pain that had
been interlaced with something a little more intense than fear. A
pain that had been suddenly renewed during their short encounter,
that had deepened, along with the Slytherin's fear which had grown
to be panic then. Remus had already been guessing last evening
that the Dark Mark's call had been behind all this, but now that his
suspicion had beenfirmfirmed, the werewolf couldn't help but
realize the consequences.

If he had been able to already sense Severus's pain when the
Slytherin had shown up at his door, the spy must already have
received at least one order to Apparate to the Dark Lord before
he had reached the East Tower...the abrupt intensification of
Severus's torture must have been the sign of at least a second
time the Dark Mark had summoned him to Voldemort's side...

Remus closed his eyes in silent horror. How many times had the
Slytherin been called by the Skull and Serpent bursting into flames
before he had complied with the Dark Lord's wishes? How much
time had he spent in physical and mental agony without
performing his duty of Apparating immediately to Voldemort's
side, knowing that this simply had to provoke the darkest wizard's
fury? How often had he refused to leave Hogwarts, refused
to keep himself safe from harm yesterday evening?

A single tear escaped Remus still-closed eyes.

How much had Severus risked to make sure he, Remus, would
not have to make it through the Full Moon without the Wolfsbane
Potion?

And when, since James, Sirius and Peter had decided to
willingly accept the dangers of finding out on their own about
becoming Animagi, had anyone chosen to take a risk like that
for the werewolf that he was?

But unlike his Gryffindor friends back then, it looked as if
this time, someone had had to pay the price for what he had
done for him...

Remus exhaled very deliberately on a barely audible, shaky
moan. He was used to feeling exposed to situations he
couldn't influence in the slightest. He knew what it felt
like to be totally helpless; he very intensely experienced that
once a month. It had been hard in the beginning, but he had
learned. Had learned about patience and calmness, about a
kind of serenity of his own. He didn't complain about certain
inevitable facts of life anymore, even if they were painful and
hard to accept.

But those were facts of *his* life.

And right now, it was not about him, not at all. It was about
a man who had willingly, deliberately decided to
put his physical and mental well-being at stake because he
had chosen to help. Had chosen to help him. Someone who
had acted as a true friend would. Someone he had
never expected to receive such evidence of affection from.

Even though he had somehow always wished to do so some
day...

Slowly opening his eyes, the werewolf straightened up. Gone
Was the exhaustion that had mesmerized his feeling and
thinking only half an hour ago. No trace of the leaden weariness
that usually fogged his mind and sabotaged his body after the
transformation was left. At least he didn't feel any of that
right now, but was instead filled with the determination not to
let down the one who had equally certainly chosen not to fail
him.

And when his eyes fell upon Harry's Invisibility Cloak that
hung across the sofa's arm where Sirius had hastily put it,
he suddenly knew what he had to do.



Author’s note: And thanks one more time for your patience with the ever-growing delay of my up-dates…

To @_@: I swear I do my very best to get this to an end…with faithful reviewers like you encouraging me, I will double my efforts *grin* !!
To jinx_lunatic: What a great comment! Thanx a *lot*, I’m so glad that you like the fic so far, and I truly hope this will not change…even though it takes me so damn long to update…*apologeticgrin*