Doubts and Desires

A/N: Thank you everyone for the reviews. Sorry it took a little longer to update. I actually had somewhat of a life that consisted more of the internet for once.


Chapter Eight: Fourth Year Anniversary


A little over a week had passed since she and Severus had kissed. She had seen very little of him. Each one seemed to place a new distance. Perhaps they were scared of what had happened, although neither one would admit it. Hermione had been quite busy the last week. She had a paper to be sent to the university on her potions progress for her graduate studies. Plus, she had to run the Hospital Wing as well.

At least today was a day off for the most part, she thought. Four years ago today, Harry defeated Lord Voldemort. It had been made into a national holiday among wizards. School was closed, and it was generally a festive day. She was excited about seeing Harry for lunch. He was staying in Hogsmeade with Remus for a few days. She wished Ron could have come as well, but he was going to be at the Burrow where Harry was going to meet him sometime tomorrow. The three of them hadn’t managed to find time to be together except at Christmas where she was still invited to the Burrow. The closest that they had while at school was no longer there, but they still maintained their friendships.

She finished up and was just writing up a note to say that she was gone and when she would be back when a last student arrived. Poor girl had bad cramps and wanted something for them so she could actually enjoy the holiday. She gave the girl the medicine and asked how her classes were going.

“Quite well. Professor Snape has been quite lenient. We haven’t worked on a potion in weeks, although it’s getting rather boring to just be reading every time in class.” the girl stated.

Hermione furrowed her eyebrow. This was not the first time she had gotten that answer from one oe ste students. She knew that she needed to talk to him again. Perhaps she should mention it to Albus as well, although she didn’t want to get Severus in trouble. “Off you go, Miss Anderson. Have fun.” The girl thanked her and left.

She then put up the note and left the Hospital Wing. She took a carriage to Hogsmeade and went to the Three Broomsticks where she was to meet Harry. He was already there. She smiled and gave him a hug before sitting down across from him. He appeared older each time she saw him and more world weary. He really did have to grow up way too fast, she thought to herself. “How are you doing, Harry? How’s work?”

Harry had returned the hug as his green eyes looked at his friend. She was still as beautiful as ever. “I’m okay. Been quite busy actually. While being an auror, you do have to keep an open eye for any dark activities on the rise. How is the Hospital Wing?”

“Busy as well. I never thought that there were so many students that would need things. We haven’t even gotten to the main part of the Quidditch season yet.” Hermione stated. She considered telling him about Severus and the accident, but she decided against him. Harry had always loathed Severus. “I like it though. I feel like I’m making a difference.”

He nodded slightly and bit back a bitter comment. “So, shall we order?” She nodded. They ordered their meals from the waitress and sipped on the butterbeer.

“How’s Remus?” she inquired after she took a sip of her drink.

Harry sighed. “He’s doing pretty well. He seems rather down. I think he’s lonely. I’ve invited him to come to the Burrow with me tomorrow, and he agreed. Shame you couldn’t come.”

“Yeah, I have to work though.” She hoped that Remus was going to be alright. She knew that he was probably lonely. All his friends had died during the years of Voldemort. After Sirius’ death, he was even more determined, and then he had nothing left of his Marauder’s days after Voldemort’s final downfall. She knew that Harry had become quite close to Remus though afterwards. Luckily, Remus didn’t have to worry about finding a job, since Sirius was cleared and had named Remus in his Will as the soul benefactor of the Black estate and money, although she had heard that if Harry needed any of it that the money would be there. Sirius always did want to take good care of his godson. Grimmauld Place had been sold after the Order needed it no more and had disbanded until the next major dark lord would rise up. She hoped that it wouldn’t be any time soon though.

Their meals had arrived. They talked a little about various things. She inquired about Ron, and Harry had told her that he was doing well, especially since he was the keeper for the Chy Cay Cannons as well as had a new girlfriend who he claimed to be ‘serious’ about. She had smiled at that, knowing that Ron claimed that about almall all the women he had, and from Harry’s tone, she figured that it was another one who would be around about a month before the next one came along. She was glad that Ron was having fun and had found his place in the world. He seemed to be doing better than any of the three after the war was over. She knew Harry still wasn’t doing well. He had too many emotional issues, had seen way too much in his twenty-two years. She couldn’t even say that she was dong all too well. Sure, had had a good job and was getting her masters in Potions, but she had no life besides school again. She hadn’t even had a boyfriend in over a year, and that was a failed relationship that would have been better if it had never happened.

They were about finished from eating dessert then when Harry asked her something that completely threw her off-guard. “Hermione, do you think a scar from a curse can hurt years after the one who caused it was gone?”

She blinked at him and gave him a concerned look as she looked at his scar. “Harry, is your scar hurting again?”

Harry shook his head rather forcibly and quickly said, “No.” He sighed. “I was just wondering. You are a mediwitch and all.”

She gave him a suspicious look. “I don’t think it would, Harry, but if it is, you should tell me.”

“It’s not, okay? I was just wondering.” he stated firmly.

She still wasn’t certain. “Harry, what happened back there four years ago?”

“I don’t want to talk about it, Hermione.”

“Have you talked to anyone about it?”

“No.”

“You should. What happened?”

He sat down his glass of butterbeer down a little harder than he intended, sloshing some of it out. “I don’t want to talk about it, Hermione. I don’t have to talk about it. It’s not a big deal. You weren’t even there.” He spat out the last sentence.

“It is a big deal, Harry. And, I know I wasn’t there.” said.aid.

“You should have been there. We were a team. The three of us. But, no, you had to go off to France and leave us.” he said with a certain amount of venom.

“I’m sorry, Harry. How many times do I have to apologize? You obviously didn’t need me all that much. You defeated him. It is over.” she stated. She was hurt that he was bringing this up again.

“We did need you.” he stated firmly. “You weren’t there though.”

“I’m sorry that I’m not a good enough Gryffindor for you, Harry. I was scared. Is that what you want me to admit? I was scared to die, so I ran away to France. Does that make you feel better?” she stated, rising her voice slightly.

“Don’t you think I wasn’t scared? Don’t you think that we all weren’t scared?” Harry stated in tone that sounded like he was yelling at her although he wasn’t. “It doesn’t make me feel better, Hermione. It’s too late for that.”

“Harry, you should talk about what happened. It’ll help y Her Hermione told him sincerely.

His anger peaked. “No,” he spat as he stood up. He sld end enough galleons on the table to pay for his and her lunch. “Bye, Hermione.” He then stormed out.

She sighed. They seemed to come to this basic conversation each time. He would storm off. They would both apologize later on and be friends again. It was worse this time though. She had actually admitted why she had gone to France. It was her doubts that she could stay and fight that drove her away. It was her guilt that had brought her back to England when she found him lying in a hospital bed. Her poor sweet Harry.

“Do all your friends storm off like that?” Severus inquired in a silky voice as he took the now empty seat at her table. He had passed Potter as he walked off.

She looked at him. “Not all the time. He’s just having a hard time.”

“Oh, it must be so hard to be the savior of the wizarding world and such a great celebrity that you have your own holiday.” he said sarcastically.

Glaring at him, she shook her head. “Don’t, Severus. You don’t know anything about Harry.”

He shrugged slightly and smirked.
She sighed and decided to bring up a different subject. “So, Severus, why haven’t you had the students work on any potions yet?”

Suddenly, he visibly stiffened. “We just haven’t,” he said rather uncertainly.

She noticed his reaction and reached out, touching his hand. “You have to move on, Severus. They need you to teach them, and you can do it. You are brilliant when it comes to potions. They are lucky to learn from one of the best in the world.” she said gently and sincerely.

He had looked down at her hand on his. He knew that she meant what she had said. He glanced up at her, looking at her lips and remembering that distant memory where he had kissed her. He had messed it all up though. She rarely came by to talk to him. He glanced at her hand again, noticing that it was so soft and delicate. “It’s hard to move on, Hermione.”

“I know, Severus, but you have to.” she stated as she patted his hand.

His dark eyes met hers. “Perhaps if I can work with you again, then it might help.” he asked suddenly, wanting to spend time with her and figuring that was the best way.

She smiled. “We’ll do that then. When do you want to work together?”

“Are you doing anything tonight?” he inquired. There was e soe somewhat of a celebration party in the Great Hall, but he didn’t want to go. “You can have dinner with me in my quarters, if you want to. We wouldn’t have to be at the party then. We’re not needed most likely. Only if you want to, that is.” He was beginning to get nervous.

She raised an eyebrow. “Are you asking me on a date?”

He laughed, although it came out sounding nervous. “Of course not. I was just thinking that we could work on some potions together and that it might be easier if you were already there. I thought dinner might be a gesture as to thank you perhaps.”

She smiled. “I’ll be there. Does seven o’clock work for you?”

He nodded.

“Then, it’s a date.”


A/N: Please review. Thanks.