Rubbish.

((I am so grateful to all the hits and reviews. I am really enjoying writing this and I'm glad you guys seem to be liking it, too.))

Snape left Harry bound and sleeping, returning to his office to pour himself a glass of firewhisky, downing it in one gulp before pouring himself a second and carrying it over to his desk. He sat in his chair, eyes lifting to the portrait of Lily, staring into her eyes as the weight of the day settled in upon him and he shuddered hard. "I can't do it, Lily. I'm sorry, but we both know I was never strong enough to do what needed to be done. If I had killed Voldemort, you never would have died, Harry wouldn't be in this mess and all of those lives would have been saved. I lost my nerve and now this is all my fault, and I can't even help Harry!"


His eyes dropped, the light in the beloved eyes seeming to turn cold and accusatory. "I'm no Albus, Lily. He was able to help me rid myself of my own self-destructive anger and hate, but I'm too weak." He downed the last of his drink and dropped the glass, leaning forward to rest his head on his desk, hugging himself with a choking cry of anguish. "I know I owe you everything, and I have no right to refuse you this. But, I can not break Harry. He's too strong and I fear it may end up killing us both. My own life doesn't matter, but...I can't risk killing your son." His eyes closed and his memories bloomed in the dark.


He stares down at the beautiful, young Lily, the only person he's ever loved, the only one to ever show him kindness or gentleness. Tears shine in her bright, emerald eyes and her skirt is bunched around her hips, blood staining the perfect white skin of her thighs. Already he can feel the horror of his actions slamming into him and he trembles as he pulls back, stayed only by the delicate hand that reaches out to grasp the sleeve of his shirt. "Severus, I forgive you." His eyes widen and he stares at Lily in shock, shaking his head, unable to believe he heard her correctly. "I know you are twisted up inside and hurting. You didn't mean it, Severus. You just had to make someone else hurt, so that you weren't carrying all that poison around inside of you." Her voice was weak and watery, but her eyes met his with warmth. "I forgive you." Self-loathing bursts from a well in his chest and he jerks away with a cry, stumbling backwards as he glares at her. "I hate you, Lily! I hope you die!!"


A much older Snape moans softly against his desk and lifts his head to gaze up at Lily Evans, his first love, first hate and most damning crime. "I am so sorry, Lily. You were the most beautiful thing in the world and in my self-loathing just looking at you and seeing how wonderful you were made everything so much worse. I knew I would never have you, and I had to soil you, try to crush that light within you so that my own darkness wasn't so oppressive by comparison." He bent forward and hugged himself, overcome by dry, wracking sobs. "I'll do it...God, help me, but I'll break your beautiful son and hope by the grace of Light that it won't destroy him."


~~:~~


Harry woke slowly, squinting at the light pouring in through the window and trying to turn onto his side to block it. The first jerks of the rope around his wrists and ankles brought the previous day flooding back, making him shudder and groan. "Finally awake, are we, Mr. Potter?" Harry's head shot up and he blinked, looking around until his gaze fell on Snape sitting in a chair beside his bed. "What, did you watch me sleep, you bloody bastard? Let me go." Snape shook his head slightly and stood, lifting the chair to carry it back over in front of the fireplace. "A simple apology and promise will get you free of those bonds, Mr. Potter. Nothing more or less."


"Fuck you! I wouldn't apologize to you if you crawled on your hands and knees, begging me!" Snape's icy laugh cut across Harry's senses and he recoiled, staring at the tall, dark figure of his guardian...no, his captor. "Mr. Potter, the day I beg you for anything is the day I die." Harry snorted and shifted, straining to try and break free of the ropes. "Well, that day can't come soon enough, you fucking prick." He glared at Snape, baring his teeth and thrashing against his bonds, voice rising to scream obscenities.


"Silencio. Immobilus." With two muttered spells Harry's voice fled and he was rendered immobile, his mind raging but his body still. "Now, you will remain that way for three hours exactly, Mr. Potter. When I return, I will see if you have learned any manners." Harry's eyes rolled to follow the silhouette of his guardian for as long as he could, then he closed them and mentally fought against the spells holding him. After half an hour, he was emotionally and mentally drained, even his rage had died down and he found himself trembling on the edge of capitulation.


By the time Snape returned, Harry had decided he would pretend to obey Snape only until he could get a chance to either escape or kill the bastard. He knew there were knives and other potential weapons in the house, so it was just a matter of picking his moment. At this point the feel of Snape's blood on his hands would be most welcome. He swallowed when the spells lifted, turning his gaze on Snape, careful to keep his hatred from showing in his eyes, or voice. "I'm sorry I broke your things, Sir. I promise never to do it again."


Some brief, indefinable emotion flickered across Snape's face and then he nodded, stepping back. "Very well, Mr. Potter. Lunch will be waiting for you when you are finished bathing and changing. Then we will discuss your punishment." He turned and strode from the room, leaving Harry to wonder what the hell his night tied to the bed had been if not punishment. 'If he whipped me for breaking his stupid chair, what the hell is he going to do to me for shattering all his dishes?' An image of himself tied down and Cruciolused until he felt like he was going to die flashed through his mind, then he shoved it away and stood to head for the bathroom, resolving never to allow Snape to punish him again.


When Harry finally made his way into the kitchen, he found Snape already seated at the table, reading and eating silently. Harry's eyes fell on the knife beside his plate and he took his own chair, forcing himself not to give away any hint as to his intentions. As he ate, he discretely nudged the knife into his lap, flicking a glance to Snape to see if he'd noticed. His guardian seemed to be engrossed in his book, however, and he heaved a mental sigh of relief, feeling a queer electricity start up in his chest.


He picked up his napkin and dabbed his lips, dropping his right hand to his lap to curl his fingers around the reassuring feel of the knife's handle. "I'm done." Snape nodded and closed his book, pulling out his wand to clear the table and then stood. "Come into the living room. We need to talk." Harry waited for Snape to move past him for the living room, then leapt to his feet and threw himself at his back, knife raised to stab him between the shoulders. "Expelliarmus!" Snape's shouted spell sent Harry slamming back into the fridge with a grunt and the weapon tumbled from his numb fingers as he shuddered.


Snape growled and picked up the knife, snatching one of Harry's hands in his, sending a thrill of fear through the boy. "Do you want to stab me, Harry? And in the back no less, how utterly Gryffindor of you." He whipped off his robes, revealing the plain white button-up shirt and black slacks beneath, then wrapped Harry's hand around the hilt of the blade, lifting it to press the point against his own chest over his heart. "If you truly want to kill me, you will have to look me in the eyes while you do it, Harry."


Harry's eyes widened and he stared at his own hand holding the knife to Snape's heart, then lifted his gaze to stare into those inky black eyes, trying to find the courage and hatred he needed to shove the blade in and end his torment. Something about those eyes, staring back at him without fear, or encouragement, merely waiting for death as if it didn't matter, shattered something inside. Harry shuddered and flung the blade away with a harsh cry, falling forward as his strength gave away, and he suddenly found himself cradled in the strong arms of his guardian.


Darkness claimed him and he curled closer into Snape's warmth as he was carried back into the bedroom, letting unconsciousness pull him away from everything that was too confusing, too painful and too strange for him to handle.


~~:~~


He woke a few hours later and rolled onto his side, the room almost completely dark, the only light coming from a dying fire in the fireplace. He blinked at the sight of Snape sitting in the chair beside his bed, his head dropped forward to rest on his chest and his eyes closed. 'He was watching me sleep. Why? You know...he doesn't look so bad when he's asleep.' Harry reached over and touched Snape's knee, grinning a bit when the man's head jerked up with a sleepy murmur. "Wha?" He blinked a few times and then managed to focus on Harry's face, tilting his head. "Are you alright?" Harry nodded and wriggled backward on his bed, tugging the hem of Snape's robes. "Will you lay down with me for a moment, please, sir?"


Snape frowned briefly and then nodded, slipping from his chair to slide into the bed beside his ward, arm naturally wrapping around him when Harry cuddled close against his side. "I'm sorry, Severus. I don't know what comes over me when I get like that. It's like...like I'm a wild animal and there's this....thing inside of me that has to get out, but it's eating me alive in desperation." Snape sighed and hugged Harry tighter, murmuring. "It's a poison in your soul that eats you up, and the only way to dampen it is to lash out at other people and make them as miserable as you are." Harry blinked and looked up at Severus in surprise. "That's it exactly, how'd you know?"


Snape winced and closed his eyes, tilting his head to press his face into Harry's hair, speaking softly. "When I was sixteen, I hurt someone I loved. I took something priceless from her and after I did it...she forgave me and told me that she understood. She said I had to hurt someone so that I wasn't carrying all my poison around by myself. At the time I didn't understand, or wouldn't see...but, later I figured out what she was saying and Dumbledore helped me to get rid of my poison." Harry listened silently, arms curling around to hug Snape gently.


"When you talked to me the other night and I asked you to help me...you said it would be painful and I would hate you. That's what you've been doing, isn't it?" Snape kissed the top of Harry's head and nodded, murmuring. "I am trying, Harry, but I am not Albus and I don't believe I'm doing a very good job." Harry's head jerked back and, without thinking, he leaned up to press a kiss to Snape's lips, murmuring. "No, don't give up on me, Severus. I...know I can be a pain, and it can't be fun for you to have to deal with me, but I need you." Snape twitched at the feel of those soft lips against his own, trembling at the vulnerability in the young voice, and nodded, tongue flicking out to brush against Harry's mouth. "I won't give up. I'll save you, Harry, even...even if it kills me."