This is the Way I Break

Author's note--Okay, now that I've made some considerable progress on Chapter 8, I can post Chapter 7 for you guys to read. Let me apologize for the delay.

This chapter feels...odd to me. I mean, *I* get it because I wrote it and it has significance to me, but I feel like it might come across weird to you guys. I remember the night I wrote this scene, and I was on such an edge because it was the first time (ever, I think) where their relationship was hanging by a thread...

I ended up splitting the scene down the middle (and why, now I'm not sure) but I hope you guys will go back and reread Chapter 6 and get back into the story before continuing with Chapter 7 because I think the importance and the heavy angst of the chapter will be more apparent that way. I wrote Chapters 6 and 7 in one sitting, and I very clearly remember wondering what was going to happen with them because they were seriously in danger of breaking up. Namely, how could Draco forgive that?

And since this series has had little drabbles of religion all along, this chapter is no different. The part in italics is a flashback of Draco's, and if the dialogue seems familiar, it's because I jacked it from the movie "Batman Begins". (And before you ask, no, I have not seen "Dark Knight" yet...)

It's the part where Christian Bale and Katie Holmes are sitting in her car right after Bruce Wayne's parents' murderer was shot and right before Bruce Wayne goes in to talk to Falcone. It's the part where she slaps him in the car; and while the girl doesn't slap Draco, I DID name her Katie as a throwback to the movie (which I don't own and make no money off of...I just quoted the movie).

And while I wanted things to be okay--and they will be--there is still plenty of angst to be written and read before this installment is finished. With that, I'm sorry again for the wait and enjoy!

This is the Way I Break by Graballz

Chapter 7

Break…Breaking…Broken…

Harry still had Draco pinned to the wall, both of them breathing hard. The Gryffindor’s hands were shaking badly, and he was crying as well. Harry had never seen his lover’s grey eyes bore through him with THAT expression before: betrayal. Anger, shock, and grief were mixed in as well, but Draco stared at him, nostrils flaring. Harry bravely stared back, his own emeralds wet and pleading for Draco to understand, to forgive him, to listen. Neither of them spoke, though if Harry thought it would have helped, he would’ve hit his knees and groveled, if only to get that awful expression of hopelessness off of Draco’s beautiful face.

Their screaming had attracted quite a bit of attention, including every Healer and medi-witch on the floor, other patients’ families, and St. Mungo’s security. Everyone was watching in morbid fascination, and Arthur urgently stopped the security wizard who stepped towards the couple. His tones were hushed, but Arthur could tell that something was happening in Harry and Draco’s relationship; one wrong move, and it would shatter irreparably. He held his breath, praying that the blonde would make the correct decision.

“You love me,” Harry breathed, praying that the reminder was still true, his green eyes searching desperately for a shred of mercy in his lover. “I have not betrayed you.” He tried to sound confident, but his words, barely audible, sounded slightly like a question.

Draco blinked.

“Haven’t you?” He whispered back, and Harry shook his head vehemently, breaking their eye contact as he leaned his forehead on Draco’s collarbone, gasping for breath while tears blurred his vision once more.

“I love you,” Harry sobbed. “Forgive me my trespasses.”

The feel of his lover shuddering against his body brought Draco back to reality, away from the dark place his soul had been slipping towards upon perceiving that Harry had betrayed him by stopping him from enacting justice on his mother’s behalf. A voice echoed through his head, making him do a mental double take.

It was the voice of a girl from the Wesley Foundation, back when Draco had wanted to start a prayer group. There was a Bible study after the lunches that the blonde had stayed for a few times, and one of the lessons had been the difference between justice and revenge. Draco had had the hardest time with the passage about vengeance being taken away from him, and he had argued with her right there in the middle of the Bible study. She had just quoted the Bible verse, saying that it was a lesson about mercy.

“The people who commit crimes against others should pay for them,” Draco said firmly. “Mercy enables criminals to continue with their wrongdoing. Victims deserve justice.”

“You’re not talking about justice,” Katie pointed out. “You’re talking about revenge.”

“Sometimes they’re the same,” Draco replied coldly. Katie shook her head.

“They’re never the same, Draco” she almost interrupted him. “Justice is about harmony; revenge is about you making yourself feel better. And mercy is what saves us all from damnation. Mercy and forgiveness.”

“What if some things are unforgivable?” The blonde asked darkly.

“Nothing is unforgivable,” she said, and Draco stood abruptly, letting the Bible on his lap slide to the floor in a heap.

“Shows what you know, then,” he moved to leave, but her hand on his wrist stopped him. He glared at her, but she blinked evenly back at him.

“Forgive those who trespass against us,” she quoted. “Because God has forgiven us OUR trespasses. How could we not do the same?”

“Because, like I said,” Draco’s voice was slightly shaky, and he brushed her hand away. “Some people are unforgivable.” And with that, he walked out.

Draco blinked again with a revelation. He desperately did NOT want Harry to be part of that category, and though he thought he had cried all of his tears, two more slipped out of the corners of his eyes, trickling down his cheeks as his hands moved of their own accord, embracing Harry back.

“I forgive you,” Draco whimpered brokenly, and Harry’s whole body stiffened. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” he picked his head up, looking into the eyes of the man he loved. The betrayed look was gone, replaced by compassion.

“What now?” The Slytherin took a deep breath. “I can’t handle much more, Harry…”

“Arthur wants to explain,” Harry said carefully, and though Draco flinched reactively, he didn’t explode. “Can you at least listen to him?”

Draco shook his head, glancing down to the ground, and then looked back up at Harry and nodded. Harry gave him a tentative smile, which Draco didn’t return.

“Alright, back to work, people,” Arthur said, startling everyone and getting their attention. “Nothing to see here. Go on; get out of here.” The crowd that had gathered started to disburse as the older man shooed everyone away. Harry put his arm around Draco’s shoulders and they followed Arthur back to Molly’s room, where the redheaded woman’s face was streaked with tears, having heard the commotion and not been able to do anything about it.

Arthur immediately went to her bedside and comforted her, talking in hushed tones while Harry stood with Draco. Molly’s face fell, and when she turned her gaze to the two boys, there was intense sympathy in her eyes.

Harry smiled back sadly, stepping forward and guiding Draco towards the bed. The blonde suddenly balked, tearing himself out of Harry’s arms, startling the black-haired boy.

“Draco?” Harry’s brow furrowed as he turned. Draco was as white as a sheet, and terror was clearly visible in his grey eyes.

“No,” he mumbled, bumping into the door frame. “No, I-I can’t…” The Slytherin vanished. Harry threw his former family an apologetic glance, but Molly made little shoo-ing motions with her hands, and Harry took off after his lover once again.

This time, Draco was walking quickly, head up, and he seemed more in control than before. Harry followed, finally catching up to him as they were about to walk out of St. Mungo’s.

“Draco? What’s going on?” Harry tried to touch his arm, but the Slytherin didn’t favor him with a glance and kept on walking.

Draco pressed his lips together and shook his head violently, indicating that he didn’t want to answer that right then. Harry sighed, and they walked side-by-side back to the train station. Draco needed to walk, and he wasn’t in any condition to Apparate. Harry followed him faithfully, not commenting or making any suggestions.

Harry considered it progress when he wasn’t rebuffed trying to put his arm around Draco’s shoulders on the trip back to Godric’s Hollow. The blonde stared at his feet during the entire train ride, hunched forward with his elbows on his knees. Harry sat beside him, worrying his lower lip between his teeth while he watched Draco forlornly. His fingers played lightly over Draco’s back, tracing abstract patterns.

“Draco? Love?” Harry waited until they were safely inside the little house, up in ‘their’ bedroom, before trying again. This time, Draco responded with a wan smile.

“I didn’t think it would be this hard,” Draco admitted. “You know, facing him. Well, facing all of them, really.”

“You know I’m so proud of you, right?” Harry murmured, taking one of his boyfriend’s hands. Draco squeezed it for reassurance.

“I don’t ever want to doubt you again,” the blonde replied around the lump in his throat. “Earlier, at the hospital, that was the worst feeling in my life. I don’t ever want to feel like that again.”

“I was more terrified than I can ever explain,” Harry confessed, looking troubled just at the memory. “But I love you more than anything or anyone, Draco.”

“I love you too, Harry,” Draco leaned forward to kiss the Gryffindor’s lips.

“C’mon, let’s go to the pub and get some supper,” Harry stood, tugging on Draco’s hand. “We’ll be anonymous and inconspicuous.”

“Now that you mention it, I am a bit hungry,” Draco’s stomach gave an agreeable rumble as they made their way back downstairs. “How are YOU, love? You were the one whose former mother we went to see. How are you holding up?”

“I’m better when I have to take care of you,” Harry joked, and Draco simply shook his head, smiling, and nudged Harry with his shoulder as they walked down the road back towards town. “No, I’m doing okay. I wish that whole fiasco with the Healer hadn’t happened, but I guess something like that was inevitable.”

“I guess a year wasn’t long enough for people to forgive and forget,” the Slytherin said bitterly. Harry smoothed his calloused thumb over the back of Draco’s soft hand.

The occupants of the pub were more warm and inviting than either of them expected, which was exactly the balm needed to soothe their wounds. They chose a quiet, corner table, and both the waitress and the bartender came by to personally welcome them to Godric’s Hollow. They didn’t use Harry’s name, but the Boy Who Lived got the distinct impression that they knew who he was and were thanking him for his bravery in saving the wizarding world.

The other patrons didn’t stare as much as Draco expected; when he made eye contact with one older man sitting on his barstool looking over his shoulder, the man’s face crinkled into a smile, and he held up his mug in a silent toast to them. The blonde had glanced at the table, ashamed for glaring, and his face went pink in sheepish embarrassment. Their meal was relatively peaceful; there were a few people who came up to Harry to thank him for his ‘duty’, but they were very respectful.

*

They stopped back by the graveyard to say goodnight to James and Lily. Draco caught his boyfriend’s hand, squeezing comfortingly; Harry squeezed back almost too hard, but he didn’t openly cry when he talked to his parents this time, which encouraged Draco. They walked back to the little house in a companionable enough silence.

“Draco, you know you don’t have to face them if you don’t want to, right?” Harry asked carefully as they changed into pajamas and slid into their Transfigured bed, letting out mutual sighs as they wrapped their arms around each other, enjoying the comfort but too tired to have sex.

“I know, but I should,” the blonde sighed, and Harry kissed the tip of his nose. “It’ll be hard, but I can do it. I need to do it. We’ll be out of here soon enough.”

“One day at a time,” Harry agreed, and they kissed briefly before falling asleep.

**********

Author's note--Alright, be honest. Did it tweak or feel weird? Or is that just me being weird about it? Like I said, this chapter had a lot of significance to me, and I hope I adequately captured that in my writing.

Thanks once again for reading!

Nikki Hi, hon! Thanks for the review! So I heard a rumor that Draca is working on HIYA2, but no ideas when that will be out (if it's not already). I know what you mean, though. Life has been absolutely nuts! And the angst is getting to me too...hence why it's taking so long between chapters because I have to stay ahead of the posting! Love ya lots!

vampirekisses I appreciate all of your reviews, do you know that? Hopefully you liked the "ironing out"? And the explanation will come in the next 1-2 chapters...haven't quite decided how I'm going to split them up yet, but it's coming!

gorgeousbrowneyes Thank you!!! Oh, and buffyboy said to tell you a HUGE thank you for commenting on his pics! He really appreciates it, and if it's okay with you, I'm going to pass the link on to him too because he wants to see your artwork as well.

Very glad you liked the chapter, so I hope you like the resolving angst from THIS chapter! *crosses fingers* Thanks for reviewing!

Roozette What would I do without you, my lovely? Your email made me laugh SO hard, and thank you very much for it! Here is the chapter, as promised, and I hope you got my reply email. You pretty much hit the nail on the head for this chapter: Draco breaking.

I swear, I'll explain Arthur! It's coming, I promise! And as far as Ron not telling Harry...the event in question happened (or didn't happen?) nine years before Ron was even born. Then add in how old Ron would have to be before Molly and Arthur would tell him (if they would tell him?) but then, remember that Arthur denies it, which is what Ron said to Draco in Arthur's defense. Plus (growing up and at Hogwarts) Ron didn't want Harry to think less of his father or even think bad of him, so he's not going to tell Harry. Also, from Ron's POV, Draco and his family are the ones lying. Ron does not believe for a second that it happened, so even though he knows, he doesn't think about it or see it as a big deal because, according to him, it never happened. (And he knows he can't control what the Malfoys say about it, but in his mind, he knows the truth.)

I know this is confusing, but true to real life, it all boils down to a "he said, she said" from a long time ago. Draco believes his mother, which would mean that Arthur's lying about having done it. Ron believes his father, which means that Draco's mother is the one lying. But how can you claim a victim of rape is lying (especially without proof) because why would someone lie about that? (And keep in mind that these are all hypothetical and rhetorical...and I will answer them all eventually...)

So anyway, I will leave them unanswered for now, but hopefully that gives you a bit more to think about. Makes the fight between Arthur and Lucius in Harry, Ron, and Draco's second year a bit more dramatic now, eh? *wink* Sex in the bed...sex in the supply closet...I will keep those in mind! Thank you, love!

thrnbrooke I'm sorry! *hands over Chapter 7* Thank you for your review!

gorgeousbrowneyes Thanks for the link! That was really cool! I like! Also, yes, I'm still here (barely). I had a killer final earlier this week (it was for my real estate law class...now THAT is a freakin bitch!) But now it's over, so I should be able to devote more time to writing again. YAY! Oh, and apparently I can't post a new chapter until both you and Roo review at least twice...haha JK!!! Seriously, I'm totally kidding. I love your reviews, and I really appreciate it. Funny how that works out, though. LOL Hope you enjoyed!

DemonGoddess061 Hi, and thanks (?) for your review. I'm guessing you're an admin for AFF or something? The two links you provided didn't work. Just FYI. And disclaimer changed!