For all Joy wants Eternity

For all Joy wants Eternity

Chapter7



"Severus."

Two sibilants pierced the dense, thick wall that seemed
to surround him, burned through it like red-hot searing
needles.

And somewhere in the floating haze that was his
consciousness, a small spark came to life, grew bolder,
and slowly began to light the dark hole his spirit had
resorted to.

"Severus."

Yes...

Gradually, more and more of his mind woke, carefully
groping its way back to life. He became aware of his
heart which was still beating faithfully, and of tho lun lungs that obviously had not failed him yet. There were
limbs that still seemed to belong to this body. And senses
that were reporting back, trying to lure him into doing
the next step of recapturing his existence. Which all of his
being categorically denied. He didn't dare to go further than
that yet. Insistently, all of his regained consciousness
recoiled from extending the careful examination of his
situation to any aspects outside his body. He was more
than content only to be able to hear the blood rushing
through his veins again, to feel the muscles of his
arms and legs, to know that his brain was back to working.

It had *not* been that way right before he had fallen into
this pitch black, silent mental cave...

"Severus!"

No mercy in this insistent voice, this name that continued
probing his consciousness, that called him back to
existence, that gave him no chance at all to rest
a little longer in the comfortaapatapathy in which his mind
was drifting. Those three syllables sank their alluring claws
into his brain, dragging it forward, towards the boundary
of reality, and he knew that fighting them would be doomed
to failure. He had not yet really begun to struggle against
the journey back to awareness, when he already gave up
doing so again. Giving in to the inevitable instead, he
slowly, carefully opened his eyes.

There wasn't much light, bu was wasn't dark either. The
flickering of the soft brightness told him that some candles
must be illuminating the room, this room he was in,
sitting in a corner on the floor with his back leaned
against the two walls that met behind him for support. It
wasn't exactly a comfortable position, and the sharp pain
that shot through one of his legs when he experimentally
tried to move it gave more than clear evidence of that,
provoking a small but sharp hiss from the spy's dry and
cracked lips.

Immediately, a shadow slid before him with incredible speed
and blocked almost all of the flickering light from Severus's
eyes.

"I don't believe it – are you truly awake, Severus?"

The spy blinked desperately against the dark form in front
of him that was silhouetted against the dim glow from the
candles, while it took him some moments to recover his
ability to speak. He was absolutely positive that he knew
this man. That voice was unmistakable, there was an
eerily shining, bright halo that surrounded the figure's
head, the quick and graceful way this person moved...and
just as Severus opened his mouth to answer, his reawakening
mind had finished the puzzle.

"Obviously, yes...I am awake...Lucius."

He was shocked at the horribly hollow sound of his voice.

The other Death Eater who knelt on the floor with him gave
an audible sigh of relief. His slowly adapting eyes now
allowed Severus to finally make out Malfoy's face from the
still slightly wavering, dark shadow that was the other
Slytherin, while a strong, icy wave of disquiet washed over
him. Severus wasn't able to really define this sense of
alarm that was growing with every moment he faced his former
colleague. Maybe he felt that way because he still had not
fully recovered yet, because most of his body still was
disturbingly weak, because he still was not able to really
recall what had brought him here, into this room, in this
situation, with nobody but Lucius Malfoy as company.

But some whispering voice told him that there was more to
the overwhelming urge to escape that he felt than that. For this
lashing need to get away from this other body *far* too
close to his own as fast as possible. He wanted to retreat
into the corner behind him, he yearned to glide up the wall
until he reached the low ceiling, he craved to disappear
into the gaps between the stones at his back, he needed to...

"You really managed to *worry* me, Severus." From the
slightly shaken tone in Lucius's voice, one could almost get
the impression that Malfoy meant what he said. For once.

"I've been waiting for you to regain consciousness for three
hours now, my friend, and rest assured that the way you
looked now and then during that time was *horrifying*..."
The blond Slytherin broke off, and the scrutinizing gaze
with which he had observed Severus grew even more intense.
Concerned.

"...but apparently, the worst is not behind us yet!"

Severus knew that the sight he presented must have been
the reason for the shock he could see creeping into the
other's eyes - even though he had no idea of the extensive
marks his growing panic were leaving upon him. He was not
able to detect how his breathing was growing heavier and
more ragged with every second, or how his mouth had fallen
slightly open. Severus could not see the shivering of his
chin, or how the heavily tensed muscles of his neck and jaw
tried to keep the shaking from expanding to his entire head.
He was unaware of the tears gathering in his widely opened,
burning eyes and of the sweat that covered all of his face.
All Severus realized was the unrestrained dread of the other
man's physical nearness. To merely *think* of the
possibility of Lucius's touch scared the petrified spy out of
his mind. He had to get out of here, he had to stop this,
somehow. This was not right, not at all. That person must not
touch him, never, he must not, must not, must not...

"Severus..." Lucius's voice, which was loaded with
apprehension, came closer. "Severus, what in the name of
Set's Eye is wrong with you?"

And the blond Slytherin bent forward even further.

Severus's brain jump-started. Ignoring his still limb and
aching legs, he jerked backwards violently, pushed himself
up the rough walls of the corner behind him and, supporting
his swaying body with one hand against the stone, drew his
wand. The spy's crazed, menacing gaze froze Lucius in place
mmediately.

Panting made it hard to speak.

"Don't you...come...closer...Do you hear me? Get...away...
from me. Now!"

"Severus..."

"NOW!"

Slowly raising his hands, Lucius carefully got to his feet
as well. The blond Death Eater never took his eyes from
the wand that pointed at him, steadily and unerringly, a
strange contrast to the shivering rest of Severus's body.
He didn't know what exactly he had done to upset and disturb
his former housemate like *that*, but Malfoy had seen this
piece of wood in action much too often. He clearly
remembered all of the occasions on which he had been able
to witness the flash-like infallibility of this particular wand and
the wizard it had chosen. He could recall all too well how he
had always prayed not to find himself on its receiving
end one day, not to taste the threat more than seriously that
he was now confronted with.

"All right, Severus, relax, will you?" Lucius took one cautious
step back, still spreading his hands, still fixing the other
man's wand with a more than anxious gaze. "I'm not
threatening you in any way, see? I won't come near you, I
swear. Do you hear me? I won't touch you again, I promise,
Severus. I. Won't. Touch. You. Again."

*Again*?

Severus stared unbelievingly at the still retreating man in
front of him.

Again...

/There had been a hand./

The spy's eyes wandered to Lucius's right shoulder and
followed its arm to its end. To five slightly trembling fingers.

/It had been *this* hand. This very hand. Moving. Approaching
him. Inexorably coming closer./

For a split second, he was sure that his head would explode
with the frantic attempt to refuse memory admittance, but
then all of this evening's events flooded his mind with
merciless vehemence and easily crushed the pathetic
defences his instincts had erected.

When Severus fixed his gaze on Lucius's face again, awareness
burned in his black eyes.

Malfoy's calm voice cut through the silence between them that
was dense with recollection.

"It wasn't my fault, Severus."

The spy's small, sardonic laugh quivered in the air. To the
frightening sound of his own voice he became aware of the wand
he still held in his hand. Still pointing at the blond man
before him, who wasn't as calm as his last words had indicated.
No, not at all. A frantic edge had crept into Malfoy's
voice.

"Will you please believe me that I had no idea what this would
do to you...?"

Severus's fingers tightened around the warm wood in his hand,
and he slowly, deliberately took one step forward. It was an
unbelievably satisfying feeling to see fear creep across
Lucius's features, to sense the other's growing panic, to smell
the building despair Malfoy was radiating. The indisputable
fact that it was him, Severus Snape, who was in control right
now, right here, sent him into an elation he hadn't felt for a
time that seemed like forever.

"For Slytherin's Snake, Severus, he just ordered me to take
and hold your hand! How was I supposed to know what my
simple touch would produce?"

If anything, those words that were meant to explain and to
justify only increased the boiling rage Severus felt. He wasn't
even sure who or what this fury was directed at, or what it was
exactly he actually wanted to do about it. All he knew was that
he was shivering with the urge to finally let *someone* pay for
this unbearable situation he was in, to break free from this
overwhelming sense of helplessness, of being left in the hands
of the black caprices of the world's Darkest Wizard. He needed
nothing more but to fool himself into thinking that he was still
able to react. That he had regained control of his life, be it only
for one second.

Taking another step in Lucius's direction, Severus decided that
it was time to speak.

"And of course you didn't realize the effects of your
affectionate touch at all--right, my *friend*?"

His rasping voice still felt and sounded alien to him, but
it seemed to have the desired effect on the blond Death Eater
anyway. Moving further away from Severus, Malfoy was not
able to keep the fear out of his answer.

"Hell, what do you think? You went pale as if there wasn't a
single drop of blood left in your face and your entire body
started shaking almost immediately - rest assured that I
couldn't help but realize that obviously I *did* harm you in
some way..."

"Then why, in Merlin's name, didn't you let go of me?"

"And why didn't *you* jerk back or snatch away your hand?"

Breathing hard, Severus stopped dead in his tracks. The echo
of the last shouted sentences still danced from one wall to
the other, laughing at him and his futile attempt to escape
from the truth. Looking at Lucius who was standing with his
back against the opposite wall now, he realized once more
that he, no, both of them, had been reduced to pawns in this
horribly perverted game the Dark Lord had been playing tonight.

"I wanted to let go of your hand. Believe me, I really did."
The other's voice was coloured with defensiveness and fatigue.
"Just as I could feel you striving to get away from me. But he
didn't let us, Severus. It must have been some spell he connected
us with, I don’t know, I didn’t pay attention. All I remember is you
arriving more or less in the middle of the meeting, and that I
expected him to punish you for your late arrival, so I thought a
Cruciatus would be next...But then, when he magically removed
both our right gloves...how could I have known what was to
come when he ordered me to take you by the hand and lead
you to your position in the circle?"

Severus's wand sank down with his slowly descending arm. Eyes
closed tightly and hands clenched to fists, he let
the words wash over him that now bubbled from the other Death
Eater's mouth. Just as if the blond Slytherin, who usually
was so very proud of using only a few, but extremely
eloquently chosen words, had only been waiting for the
opportunity to get rid of what he had seen and of what his simple
touch had provoked...when? Some hours ago? The spy didn't
know and he didn't care. The all-embracing rage he had felt
only moments ago had blown over completely, had been
replaced by a strange mixture of despair and resignation. With
growing apathy, he listened to Lucius's torrent. Low, precise and
well articulated evidence of his, Severus's, total and final defeat.

"It was so...so unreal. I swear that I've never experienced
anything like that. Severus, you should have seen your eyes,
how agony was flashing from them, you should have witnessed
how every part of you started to shake with spasms, how your
hand cramped and twitched in mine, how your entire body brokeown own gradually. It only took some moments before you couldn't
breathe anymore, and I swear I will *never* forget your desperate
gasping for air...and the worst thing was that through all that,
you didn't scream *once*! Not once! No sound, not the slightest
moan, I mean you fell apart completely, and you did so
absolutely silently. Believe me, itld hld have been easier to
see and *hear* you under Cruciatus! To have *something* to
connect to the torment you were obviously going through,
something beside your body that was soundlessly smashed into
pieces, and your screaming eyes that never left mine, not until
you finally lost consciousness..."

The flood of sound stopped.

Silence spread and crept into every corner of the small room.
Severus had sunken down to the floor where he sat sat, holding
his head in one hand, unmoving, except for the rhythmical rise
and fall of his crooked shoulders. The black cloak was pooling
around his bent form, his long, black hair covered his face
completely. His hand had not been able to hold on to his wand,
which now lay uselessly beside him.

For some moments, Lucius simply regarded the bent figure of his
wrecked former housemate. From the way the muscles worked
in his face one could tell that he was tempted to say more. To
maybe even ask. But all he did in the end was let his body
slip down at the wall at his back until he found himself on the
ground as well.

He had not expected Lucius to speak again, so when the other
man's voice dared to interrupt the silence that had fallen
between them, Severus snapped back to reality with a start.

"I'm sorry."

The small sound that came from the black bundle in the middle
of the room could have been anything. A sarcastic laugh.
A rather unbelieving snort. A suppressed sob. Severus didn't
know himself what exactly had just escaped his mouth. He was
quite positive, though, that this was definitely the first
time ever that his former housemate had voiced something like
regret for what he had done to others. He felt the beginnings of
the almost familiar hysteria that had already attacked him
several times during the last months rising inside on that
thought. What a concept! One of the outcomes of all this being
Lucius Malfoy discovering his soft side...this was simply
hilarious...completely absurd... not to say grotesque...

...No! He had to do something in order not to fall to the
threatening wave of uncontrollability that was building within him
with every moment that he sat there, exposing his mind to
the whims of his unsound subconscious. He had to give his
brain something to do had to keep it occupied, had to make
his rationality work again. He was still a Slytherin, after all!
Broken, defeated and destroyed, yes, but never would he
betray his house by losing his mind, not here, and not now,
and most certainly *not* because of *this*! Bringing all of his
determination and ambition to bear, Severus racked his brain
for some rational thread to cling to, for something to shield him
from his subconscious going berserk.

So he asked the first question that came to his mind, that had
lingered there ever since he had regained consciousness, to be
exact.

"Why where you here when I woke up?"

To the spy, the few seconds it took the answer to make its way
from one point on the floor to the other seemed like eternity.

"Because he told me to be."

Severus strictly forbade his mind to ponder on those words at
all. Determined to keep talking, he heard how his voice, still
sounding a little strangely, went on.

"And what, in Slytherin's name, could be the sense in that?"

He knew already before he had finished the sentence. He knew
before he met Lucius's sympathetic glance, though the other man
could not possibly know what he was surrendering his fellow
Slytherin to with his next words.

"I'm supposed tol yol you that he's waiting for you upstairs.
You're ordered to report there as soon as you're able to. He...
he said something about not being finished with you yet."


TBC


Author’s Notes:

Sorry that updating takes me longer with every chapter...and I’m
afraid this won’t get better in the future, not really...and I’m very
happy that you’re still with me nonetheless!

@Xamphira: Thank you *beam*!!! Mr Riddle will be flattered. And
even though it might take its time (as I already mentioned above *sheepishgrin*),
there will be more eventually. Great to have you with FaJwE!
@ @_@: Amen!!!!!
@ Blackletter: Hello again! And thanks a lot once more for your ongoing
and encouraging comments :o))!