Doubts and Desires

A/N: Thank you new and old reviewers! I\'m so glad everyone is enjoying the story, and I appreciate the wonderful reviews.


Chapter Seven: Doubting Severus


Severus figured that he must had drifted off to sleep at some point last night because he opened his eyes and realized it was morning. He got up and dressed, knowing that he did have to teach the seventh years today. Walking out into his living room, he smiled slightly, noticing that Hermione was still there on his couch. He went over and lightly touched her shoulder. “Hermione?”

She stirred and rolled over, finally prying her eyelids open to look upon him. “What?” was the only coherent thought she could make out.

He chuckled lightly. “It’s morning. You had fallen asleep on my couch last night.”

It dawned on her. “Oh, I’m sorry.” she said as she sat up, slightly rubbing the sleep from her eyes.

“It’s alright. Will you have breakfast here with me?” he inquired. He wanted her company. Plus, he was actually already dreading having to teach today, yet it didn’t seem too bad yet with Hermione still with him. She gave him a smile and nodded. “Good,” he said, getting a house elf. They ate breakfast in silence, actually comfortable in each other company now. Sometimes it was amazing at what a few days could do, he thought fondly and bitterly. He realized the time and reluctantly stood up. “I have to go teach.” He still didn’t move though.

She had finished breakfast, noticing that he was having a hard time getting motivated to go. She took his hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. “Come on, Severus. D for forget. If you need me, call me.”

He moved then and nodded, encouraged by her words. They left his quarters and parted. He went to his potions classroom as she went back to the Hospital Wing. He took a few deep breaths and managed to walk with his normal air of confidence. He was the dreaded Potions Master. He had to play up to the part tho thought. He entered the classroom and was the first one to enter. The seventh years were scheduled to work on the Draught of the Living Dead. He began to get out the ingredients to teach. He was fine for a little bit, but then his hands started shaking. His breath shortened. He swallowed the lump that had formed in his throat. He could hear the students down the hall coming to class. They were quieter today, but they were coming. He suddenly put the ingredients today and went over to his desk, sitting down roughly and looked down at the parchments as they filed in from breakfast. Exactly at nine o’clock, his head snapped up. “Get out your books. I want you to read Chapter Two about the Draught of the Living Dead. You will be quizzed on it before you leave.” he stated in a cold, calculating voice before looking down at the papers again. He heard them get out their books, and he inwardly breathed a sigh of relief.

He had managed to get through his classes by giving them busy work and lecturing a little bit. Normally, they would be doing a potion, but he couldn’t do it, no matter how he tried to steel his emotions away. Perhaps tomorrow, he thought, despite the fact that he knew that he doubted his abilities in spite of how much he told himself not to. The accident had shaken him more than even he would admit.

He was in his quarters when Hermione knocked on the door. “Good evening, Hermione,” he said politely as he invited her in.

She smiled. “I can’t come in tonight, Severus. I just wanted to ask if I could use the lab tomorrow night instead of Wednesday.”

Despite being disappointed that she wasn’t coming in, he kept a calm visage. “That will be fine, Hermione.”

“Thanks, Severus. Good night.” she said and then left quickly.

He forced himself to maintain enough control not to slam the door. He then began to pace. He thought that perhaps they had become friends, but he guessed that he was wrong. She seemed to want to leave as soon as she could. She didn’t even asw hiw his classes had gone. In a burst of anger, he threw a glass against the wall, feeling some satisfaction as it shattered. It was tangible at least, despite the turn that everything else seemed to be taking in his life.

* * * * *

Hermione had just finished up with another student. She had wanted to give Severus some time to himself, thinking that he couse ise it since he had just started back to teaching. She had questioned a few students of his, finding out that he was rather himself with them, although it worried her when she heard that they hadn’t done any actual potions work. She gathered her potions equipment and went downstairs. “Clockworks,” she said, glad to see that he hadn’t changed the password again. She sat everything up and was about to begin to work when the door opened. She turned around and saw Severus there. “Good evening, Severus. How are you feeling?”

He hadn’t been able to get the mediwitch off his mind. He had promised that he would just leave her alone to work, but before he knew it, he was standing in front of her. “I’m fine, Hermione. I thought that since I was here that you might like some company.”

She smiled. “I would like that. How did your classes go?”

“The students behaved themselves.” Severus stated, taking a seat as he watched her.

“That’s good.” she said as she turned toward the table with the ingredients she needed and began to prepare them. “Why haven’t you worked with any potions yet?”

He shifted uncomfortably in his chair, glad that she wasn’t looking at him. “I just haven’t. I thought that the students needed to be reading and having some quizzes.”

She had to admit that it sounded reasonable. Perhaps she was wrong about him. He did seem a little more like himself the past day or so, she tht ast as she continued to meticulously prepare the ingredients.

He watched her prepare the ingredients. Her delicate hands moved fluidly and rapidly. She always did have a nice technique. He began to get worried though when she was about ready to add therediredients. He shifted again and began to fold and unfold his hands in his lap. He didn’t realize that he was holding his breath as she finished preparing the last ingredient. He kept seeing himself adding the Knotweed. He saw the explosion. “NO!” he said suddenly as he ran over to her just as she had sat down the knife and was about to grab the first ingredient. He turned her around and pulled her to him. “You can’t do this, Hermione. It’s not safe.”

She was startled when he yelled out, dropping the ingredient back on the table. She then felt herself in his embrace as he told her it wasn’t safe. Oh, poor Severus! She lifted her head, looking up at him. Slowly, she raised hend and and touched his cheek. “It’s okay, Severus.” She moved a stray piece of his black hair away from his face.

He looked at her, surprised as his senses came back to him. His eyes closed as he felt her soft hand against his cheek. She was alright. He knew that she would be. He had just suddenly panicked at the time and didn’t completely understand why. Slowly his eyes opened as he looked down at her. She was looking up at him, not moving from his arms. He tilted his head down and closed the gap as his lips brushed against hers.

Her eyes widened as his lips were lightly against hers. She then shut her eyes shut tightly and pressed her lips more firmly against his, kissing him back. His lips were soft and nice.

He wrapped his arms firmly around her and started to deepen the kiss when he realized that she was kissing him back. He was startled and reality hit him. He released her and took a few steps backwards. “I’m sorry. I…I don’t know what came over me, Hermione.”

Reluctantly, she opened her eyes. She sighed softly. “It is okay, Severus. You’ve been through a hard time. I know you didn’t mean anything by it.”

“I should go,” he said, turning to leave.

“Severus, wait. You don’t have to l.” .” She went over to him, lightly touching his arm. “It is alright.” She looked at him. “I think that you are having slight panic attacks. It’s okay that potion making is scaring you some. You just need to get back into it. Come. Help me fix this potion.”

He looked at her. She was being so nice to him, even though he had just violated her trust by kissing her. He shouldn’t have kissed her like that. He just wanted to reach out in his time of need. She seemed to understand though. He slowly nodded and walked with her over to where the ingredients were. He took a deep breath. She wouldn’t let anything happen. He could trust her.

“I want you to put the first ingredient in, Severus,” she said, putting a pair of dragon-skinned gloves on his hands and the first ingredient in his hand.

He looked at her and then at the ingredient. He could do this. He had been making potions since he was young. He went over to the cauldron and held the ingredient over it. Suddenly, his hand began to shake. He kept seeing the flashes of the explosion. His doubts began to seep inside, making his blood run cold. He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t do it any more.

“Severus, it’s alright.” She stood beside of him, reaching over and putting her hand on his, steadying it. “It is okay.” She looked at him. “Drop the ingredients in.” She lightly rubbed her thumb over the back of his hand.

He looked at her. She had calmed him to an extent. Slowly, his released the ingredient into the potion, although he flinched slightly right after he did it.

She gave him an encouraging smil“Tha“That was a big step. I’m proud of you.”

He looked at her and nodded, smiling faintly. She was proud of him. It made him feel better about this to know that she was here.

They finished the potion together. Severus had worked with her some, adding ingredients or handing them to her to add. He had managed to suppress any more panic attacnd wnd was beginning to feel some of his old confidence returning. It wasn’t until after she left though that the doubts returned. He wondered if he could only do it with her assistance. He couldn’t even think about making a potion without her, at the moment. His thoughts then shifted direction to the kiss. Did she really kiss him back? His tongue lightly ran over his lips. He could still taste her on him. He shook his head sadly. She wouldn’t want him. She was just humoring him, he thought bitterly. She was just being nice and comforting. She was always nice to him for the most part. He sighed, realizing that he perhaps ma faa fatal error again. He was worried about her not wanting to spend time with him any more. He couldn’t lose her friendship now. It was the last thing he felt that he could hold onto.

Hermione had walked slowly back up to the Hospital Wing deep in thought. She was worried about him, especially since he was having such a hard time getting past the accident. She should have known though. He was human. Oh, yes, he was human, she thought as she lightly touched her fingers to her lips. She couldn’t believe that she had kissed him. Well, technically, he had kissed her, but she had kissed back. She had been surprised to find that his lips were soft, especially since she remembered him normally having them pursed in a hardened expression. She sighed. He needed support. He was her patient still, and she couldn’t cross the patient-doctor boundary again. He wasn’t completely well yet. Well, he was physically gh. gh. “No,” she scolded herself as she entered the Hospital Wing, putting the potions up in the stockroom. “Get a grip, Granger,” she told herself. He needed some human comfort and you were there, she thought. He had been through a traumatic experience. There was nothing more to it. He just needs some help to get over his doubts. “And, you will have to remain professional,” she told herself. Gods, she thought in amusement. Ron was right. She was mental, especially since she was now talking to herself. She shook the thoughts away, promising herself to help Severus as professionally as she could.


A/N: Now that you have read, please review. Thanks!