Trysts With Quidam

Trysts With Quidam

Chapter 5: Mardi

The next morning, Severus sat immobile at his desk with his head bowed in self-disgust while trying to convince himself that he had made the right choice. His morning coffee sat untouched in front of him, and he growled his disapproval when the students started to filter in for his first class of the day.

He had lost his virginity to a student, and he didn’t even know her name.

At least, he thought she was a student. She could have been a colleague or anyone else connected with the school. He was sick and tired of falling for people that he couldn’t have.

His dilemma was that he wasn’t sure if he still wanted to know her identity because she had been right about them. They couldn’t be together, even if she was his savior. He was almost certain that she was a student, and he dared not get his hopes up. Their relationship had been brief, but it had also been mutually rewarding.

He met his savior, and she made him feel wanted. She gave him the best night of his life. The experience wasn’t entirely guilt free, but it was nothing with which he couldn’t live. He had given himself to her. She loved him, and she finally had closure after the incident at his home. His biggest regret was that he had never specifically thanked her for repairing his wounds and taking care of him while he had been incapacitated.

He kept telling himself that all he needed to do was remember her as part of his past and move forward with his life.

He resolved to do just that.

He took a sip from his cold coffee, stood up from his desk, and looked around the classroom. He furrowed his brow in confusion when he noticed that the last seat on the first row was empty. The head girl usually occupied that seat, and he took another look around the room in search of her. She was sitting in the back row with her eyes immersed in some massive tome.

While still looking at her, Severus stood in the center of the room and loudly cleared his throat in order to begin class. She looked up to meet his eyes, and he saw how exhausted the young lady appeared. In fact, he was positive that her skin turned a lighter shade of pale as soon as she made eye contact with him, and dark circles were etched beneath her tired eyes.

When he started to lecture, he noticed her swallow a sob when she lowered her face back to the book. She started chewing nervously on her bottom lip, and Severus stopped short in the middle of a sentence.

The classroom was as still as the night. One by one, students began to look up from their notes to see the professor staring into the back of the room. The only student oblivious to this happening was the subject of her professor’s intimate stare.

By the time Hermione raised her head to the classroom, everyone was curiously looking at her. At first, she was caught a bit off-guard by the fact that he had obviously just discovered her secret, but it only took a second for her to realize that Severus was inadvertently making a scene. It was up to her to say something.

Her eyes conveyed her concern when she said, “I’m sorry for not paying attention and interrupting your lecture, Professor.”

Her words jolted Severus from his thoughts, and he played along by saying, “Ten points from Gryffindor.”

Throughout the rest of his lecture, Severus thought about the way Hermione was biting her bottom lip. It reminded him of the mystery woman. He took special note of the woman’s nervous action because the real Narcissa never outwardly showed her nervousness, and it looked odd to see her biting her lip.

When his lecture was over and the students were starting their lab work, Severus sat at his desk mulling over what he had seen. At first, that was the only similarity he could recall between Hermione and his first lover, but it wasn’t long before everything started to make perfect sense to him. She was obviously tired and upset about something. She had even relocated to the back of the classroom in order to keep a low profile.

After days of blindness, the professor finally found clarity.

She had told him that she was with Potter on the second night.

She had told him that she had once used the Protean Charm on coins.

She had even explained the whole scheme to him and told him that it was a lovesick female he should be looking for.

After he thought about it for a bit longer, he realized that she even smelled like the fake Narcissa.

She was right in front of him the entire time telling him that she was the culprit, but he was too set in his ways to see her as anything but an innocent little bookworm. His heart ached at the thought of such a beautiful and intelligent woman doing something so deviant.

He didn’t have an intimate relationship with Hermione, but Severus still felt jealous and possessive of her when he thought of Draco and the other men she had seduced. In his mind, she was pure, noble, and gifted, and he couldn’t even begin to fathom how a woman of her caliber had given her body away so freely.

His confusion and anger gave way to amazement at the realization that the woman he loved was in love with him as well. He didn’t know if he wanted to scold her or embrace her. The only thing that he knew for sure was that he needed to speak to her and tell her how he felt about her.

Severus accepted that they had no future, but he was determined to arrange their moment together without disguises, games, or deceptions. He wanted a single vision of his lover’s true image by which to remember her, and he wanted her to know that he knew her.

He watched impatiently while Hermione carefully arranged her supplies and set her cauldron to simmer before returning to the storeroom for more ingredients.

****************************************************************************

As soon as Hermione made it to the storeroom, she leaned over a stool for support and tried to catch her breath. She could feel Severus staring at her in the classroom, and she dreaded the heated confrontation that was sure to occur. She thought on his disappointment over her identity. As her knees suddenly went weak, she leaned further onto the stool and gripped the edges of it tighter.

Her body stiffened at the sound of the door slamming shut and the sharp metallic click of the lock engaging. As his footsteps neared her position, she felt that she would surely hyperventilate. She was breathing so hard that her chest ached and she let out and audible gasp when his steps came to a halt directly behind her.

She could smell his herbal scent and feel the heat radiating from his body.

There were no sounds from the classroom. Her labored breathing was the only sound breaking the silence around them.

A silky voice behind her whispered, “Nervous about something, Miss Granger?”

“No, sir.”

“Really? In that case, you and I have something important to discuss.”

“But, sir, won’t the other students notice us locked in here together?”

“Frankly, Miss Granger, I don’t care. I’ve taken measures to insure that they can’t get in or hear us.” Changing gears, he said, “Your hair smells the same as it did last night, but it seems to have changed colors and consistency.”

Tears rolled down her face and she started to shiver with anxiety.

“Miss Granger, look at me.”

She turned to look at him through wet eyelashes, and he could barely contain his sadness at the sight of his lover crying. He willed himself to stay composed while they talked through their unusual situation. He needed answers.

“Why?”

She sobbed, “I’m so sorry. I never meant for you to find out about it.”

“But, I did find out. You could have stopped, but you didn’t. Why?”

He handed her a handkerchief.

She wiped her face and walked away from him. She controlled her breathing and resigned herself to her fate.

He was angered by her inability to face him. “Where is your Gryffindor courage, Miss Granger? You boldly look me in the eye while you suck my cock, but you can’t face my questions now that I know it was you?”

He expected his vulgar words to provoke her enough to face him, but she merely stared at the wall in front of her for several moments before answering, “No.”

“No?”

She slowly turned, leaned against the weathered stones, and raised her eyes to meet his. “You don’t understand. When I was out there in that hut, I could be anyone that I wanted to be. I could be everything, or I could be nothing. I could do anything that I wanted and feel good while doing it without worrying about living up to anyone’s expectations for me. I could be pretty, sexy, and bold. I could make Hermione Granger disappear.”

“Why would you want to disappear?”

She spread her arms out with her palms facing up in front of her, and she continued to explain herself. Her voice held the slow and soft rhythm of someone in shock. “Look at me. I’m Hermione Granger. I’m the brainy, innocent, and homely best friend of Harry Potter. That’s the role I play. That’s who I am, and that’s all that I will ever be. I’m sorry to disappoint you.”

It was obvious to Severus that Hermione held a low opinion of herself, and that disturbed him a great deal. With all of her popularity, accomplishments, and friends, it was a shame to see her selling herself short.

“I am disappointed, Miss Granger, but not because of who you are. It’s your recent choices that concern me.”

Her surprise was evident on her face and in her voice when she demanded, “What? But, you can’t stand me! I got into this whole mess because I love you, and you don’t want me!”

“What I can’t stand, Miss Granger, is finding out that the woman I love has been disguising herself every night and whoring herself out to various men. Moreover, it’s not a matter of whether or not I want you. The fact is that I can’t have you, and you just assumed the rest. You surprise me. I never thought that you, of all people, would have self-esteem issues. There is nothing wrong with being who you are. You are an absolutely gorgeous young woman. It’s true that you are intelligent and pure, but those are attributes of which you should be proud.”

He took a moment to study her confused expression as she used his handkerchief to wipe fresh tears from her reddened cheeks. “Do my words confuse you?”

Hermione was momentarily speechless as she attempted to organize her conflicting thoughts on Severus’ words. She needed to explain to him about her other lovers, but she first wished to clarify something else that he had said. In a monotone voice, she finally replied, “You love me?”

Without hesitation, Severus answered, “Yes, I do. However, I now understand why you believe that I dislike you. It is true that I was angry to still be alive after the final battle, but I am now grateful for my second chance at life. I also realize that, as your professor, I have always been particularly stern due to your house and blood status. Old habits die hard, I suppose.”

Hermione expressed her relief at Severus’ words by offering him a small smile. Her eyes reflected the joy of her discovery, and her rigid posture gave way. She, once again, sank against the wall out of relief as well as severe exhaustion. The smooth surface of the wall comforted her because it was cool against her flushed skin. She knew that Severus was waiting patiently while she took a moment to collect her thoughts.

She took a deep breath and chanced another question. In a shaky voice, she pleaded, “You think me a whore?”

She could practically feel the courage and determination building inside of her. She stood ready to defend her frolicsome actions. His declaration of love gave her a hope that maybe he would be capable of understanding her reasons once she clearly explained them.

Severus didn’t miss the challenging glint in her eyes that told him her initial shock had past and she was preparing counter his harsh judgment of her virtue. He waited in anticipation for her to speak because his greatest hope was that her explanation would calm the unease solidifying within his chest.

Disgust was evident in his voice when he said, “You are not a whore. However, I do wish to know why you acted as one.”

“Me?” She gave a mirthless laugh. “You fucked me without even knowing who I was!”

Forgoing formality, Severus responded, “You had just admitted to saving my life, Hermione, and I was rather inclined to believe you for obvious reasons. How is my night with you even remotely similar to your affairs with strangers?”

“They aren’t strangers. Harry and Ron are my closest friends. They were the two men that you didn’t catch. I’ve also gotten to know Draco very well this year. I know that he is infatuated with me, so I used that to my advantage. I needed to feel something, and they made me feel intensely wanted, especially Draco. I felt needed when I was with him. I invited all of them to come to me, and they did. We all got what we needed, so what’s so bad about that? I couldn’t have you, so I arranged to have something resembling you.”

She shrugged her shoulders and gave him a look that demanded his understanding before turning her discourse to the subject of their night together. “When you came to me last night, I didn’t know what to expect. I knew that you would be angry, but I had to try to explain myself to you. I’m not sorry for what happened because I wanted you, but I am sorry if my other affairs hurt you. That was not my intention.”

Hermione’s pleading voice ceased, and all thoughts of her life outside of that room vanished from her nervous mind. Severus was her only focus. His understanding was all that she craved, and her hunger for it grew as the silence between them persisted.

Severus possessed the poise and wisdom required to embrace Hermione’s feelings and actions. She had done something extremely risqué, but he understood the addiction of curiosity and danger. He also understood the need to feel wanted. In his youth, he had performed many atrocious acts for all of those same reasons. Realizing that he had judged her too harshly, he closed the remaining distance between them.

“Don’t be sorry, Hermione. I’m the one who should apologize, and I’m sorry for the way I treated you in my home. Thank you for saving my life. And, thank you . . . for last night.”

He ran his hand over her unruly hair and down her soft cheek before wrapping both of his arms around her waist.

She placed her hands on his chest and nervously played with his buttons.

They kissed until they were forced to come up for air. The moment was tender and wonderful, and they held each other like they were both afraid to let go.

“Hermione.”

“Severus.”

“I can’t have you.”

“We’ll wait until I graduate. It’s not that long.”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“My career is here, but you have yet to experience a life beyond this school. I cannot condemn you to this place. You are meant for something greater, and I would only get in the way.”

“I could make it work.”

“No, Hermione. You would make needless sacrifices.”

“We have to leave this room.”

“Yes.”

“Tonight, I’ll come to you for a proper goodbye.”

“Yes.”

“I love you, Severus.”

“It is a blessing to hear you say that. You will always have my heart, Hermione.”

“Promise me that you will find happiness, Severus.”

“I already have.”

“But, will you find someone?”

“I hope so.”







A/N: Again, I'd like to thank all of my reviewers. I received a review from one of my favorite authors last week, and I'm very happy. <3