Potions in the Moonlight

When term started, breakfast became an ordeal for Remus. He sat with his friends, catching vague snatches of the conversation, thankful for his reputation as 'the quiet one'.

He tried not to stare at the Slytherin table, but he was just so desperate to find Severus. It had been almost five days since the incident in the boy's toilets and Remus hadn't seen or heard from the older boy since. He hadn't been at meals, or in the library, but what worried Remus most was that he wasn't in any of the classes they normally shared. He had simply vanished.

Once Remus caught the cold eyes of Lucius Malfoy who shot him an icy glare and then ignored him...

He had to find Severus but didn't know what to do. Surely the teachers had noticed by now that he wasn't going to his classes. Why were they not doing anything? He tried to think of any other places that Severus would go... course then again... if he didn't want to be found, why go to the places you would normally go? He then tried to think of the unlikely places Severus would go.

Remus lets out a frustrated growl and put his head in his hands. In a castle this big he could be anywhere. He thought of using the map... but it was still very much in its infancy and he could hardly tell James why he wanted it. Why had he been so stupid? Of course Severus didn't feel the same, why had he even thought that they had anything like a relationship.

And now Severus had run away...

Of course there was also the possibility that he was no longer even in the castle.

Remus cursed his own paranoia sometimes. He couldn't even touch his breakfast... what if something were really desperately wrong? What if Severus had left the school. Because of him? Remus felt sick, he had to get out of the hustle and bustle of the Great Hall.

"Hey Remus are you okay?" James asked seeing that Remus was near panicking.

"I... I don't know... I think... " Remus didn't stop to finish his sentence, he strode out of the hall and away, down the first corridor he could think of. His heavy satchel swung viciously against his legs. Maybe he was having a panic attack? Maybe he'd wake up and this would all be over? Maybe when he woke up... he'd be with Severus...

"I know where he is." Remus paused at the voice behind him. He turned and saw Pettigrew standing in the hall biting his lip making him look more like a rat then usual.

It took a few seconds for Remus to realise what Peter was saying.

"Peter? W.. I'm... I'm not looking for anyone..."

"Sure you are." He said moving closer. "I saw you that night you now... the last full moon." He said smirking. "And I see the glances you give him when you think no one is watching. It's okay I won't tell anyone."

Remus looked at him with caution. There was something about the way Peter spoke that set him on edge. His hand grasped his wand in his pocket...

"If you tell Sirius and James I swear..."

"I won't tell. If I wanted to tell I would have told by now." He said. "Although..."

Remus stared at him very hard

"Although?"

"Don't worry Remus. I'll keep it a secret... I'll even tell you where he is..." He smirked evilly which reminded Remus greatly that the boy should have been a Slytherin. Course then again Severus was a Slytherin and he never looked like that. "For a price..."

"What."

It didn't even sound like a question. Remus was now very close to pulling his wand on the tubby little boy. He had always been so kind and patient with him, where Sirius and James had snapped at him. But now, when Remus was this worried and confused, it was not a good time for Peter to be fucking around with him.

"I'm not quite sure yet. I'll show you where he is... but I expect payment for it." He said turning down the hall not waiting for Remus to follow him.

Remus didn't tell his legs to follow, they just did. He was so desperate to see Severus again. He glared at the back of Peter's head... what the hell was he on about, payment? What sort of payment did he mean? Essays? Assignments? If he asked nicely enough Remus usually did them anyway. He didn't have to be so awful about it.

After a few minutes Remus realized where Pettigrew was leading him. The Shrieking Shack.

'So obvious,' Remus thought. That he would hide from me the very place that I'm too scared to go. But how did Peter know where he was?

"In there." Pettigrew said not crossing the gate line in his human form. He was two cowardly for that.

Tersely Remus thanked him and brushed him aside, making his way down the passage to the room he expected to find Severus.

Remus found him in the same room where he had... essentially raped Severus. He was curled up in the corner of the room, his head resting on the wall, his legs curled to his chest his eyes closed. He looked so... broken.

"Severus..." he didn't mean the break the silence so soon. He just knew that the older boy needed him. He needed Severus to know the truth.

Severus slowly looked up at him. His skin was pale and he had bags under his eyes. He looked sicker than he normally did.

"Remus?"

Ignoring the obvious logic of giving Severus the space he wanted, Remus ran across the room and dropped to the floor. Wrapping his warm, gentle arms around Severus's frail body he fought back tears and whispered.

"I am so sorry..."

Severus didn't say anything as Remus held him. He was so tired and sick of fighting. "Remus?"

Remus nodded into the curve of Severus's neck. He laughed weakly,

"Sorry I can't leave you alone for five seconds..."

"Remus?" He said again wanting to grab the boys attention wishing that he would stop apologizing so he could talk.

Sensing Snape's desire to speak, Remus rocked back onto his knees, shutting up and looking Severus in the eyes. He didn't say anything, he just waited.

"Did you... mean what you said?" He asked. "Before when you told me that..."

"That I love you..." Remus blushed. "Yeah... I think I did... well I know I meant it, that I think I'm in love with you. Or falling in love with you... or somewhere between the two..."

Severus didn't let him continue as he leaned forward and pressed his lips to his. He had been thinking about what had happened over the past few days and had realized that Remus had done nothing wrong. Other than what had transpired right here in this room, but that wasn't Remus' fault.

The kiss caught Remus off guard. He let out a tiny whine of surprise, kissing back automatically and bringing his hands up to hold Severus' shoulders.

"Thank you..." Severus said, too quietly for Remus to hear him.

Remus smiled, sitting back so he could look Severus in the eye and let him know that he wasn't lying.

"...I love you..."

Severus closed his eyes and felt like he was going to cry again. But he had cried too much over the past few days and refused to do so again. "Thank you." He said once again.

Remus frowned.

"Wait... why are you thanking me?"

Severus looked down embarrassed at what he was saying. "No... No one's ever said that to me before." He said blushing. "Not even my parents."

Remus wanted to burst into tears. He hated the world that did this to Severus. That would make him take five days to accept another human's love. He reached out to touch the pale, drawn face of his lover.

"Someone cares about you Severus Snape..." he whispered, leaning in to steal a soft, unassuming kiss.

Severus wanted to tell him that he loved him too.... but... he couldn't form the words. That would be opening himself up to much and... he wasn't ready to do that just yet.

And Remus understood. Of course he longed to hear the words coming from Severus, but only when the awkward Slytherin was ready. Instead he smiled and pressed his lips to Severus's again, firmer and more emphatic. This was enough, he told himself. It was enough that Severus was accepting him. Remus would wait for him, whenever he was ready...

Severus suddenly swooned pushing back from Remus. He steadied himself with his hand on the ground and brought his other hand up to his head.

Remus looked at him worriedly. Pulling away to look at the boy closer.

"Severus?... How long have you been down here for?"

"I don't know... Four maybe five days." he said closing his eyes.

Remus was trying to get him to his feet. How had Severus thought that locking himself in here was a good idea!

"C'mon Severus... You need to get something to eat! You can't seriously have stayed here that long!"

"Its hard to say the time just kinda... Blends together."

And Remus was kissing him again, tenderly on his unwashed hair.

"You're an idiot sometimes you know... and you scare me."

"I'm fine..." he said not wanting to tell Remus why he really came there.

"No... you need to eat something. It's not healthy walling yourself in like this." Remus couldn't help being serious sometimes... not when he cared enough about someone enough.

"I know..." he said an odd emotion evident in his voice.

Clutching Severus's weakened body, Remus hauled him to his feet.

"God Sev, you're light... " Remus tried so hard to keep his voice cheery and bright, blocking out his worry.

"I know..." he said again. "Why did you come for me."

Remus couldn't bring himself to smile as he looked at Severus.

"Because I was worried."

"Why?"

"Because I love you remember..."

Severus didn't say anything as he was hoisted upright.

Slipping Severus's arm over his shoulder, Remus gently guided him towards the door.

"Will you let me help," he whispered.

"If you hadn't come I'd..." he paused not knowing how nor wanting to tell Remus.

Remus kissed him again, still moving him out of the blood stained room.

"Shh, you don't have to..."

Severus nodded.

It wasn't until they were back at the castle that Remus felt able to speak again. He knew he'd get into trouble for skipping class, but this was obviously what he should be doing. He stopped in the middle of a familiar corridor, still clutching Severus to him. Glad they hadn't been seen.

"You ok?"

"Yeah..."

Internally Remus sighed. He wouldn't press the subject, all he could do was be here for him until he was needed. He stroked the painting and pulled Severus into the vast Hogwarts kitchens.

"You missed all your meals I take it..."

There was a long pause before he answered. "... Yes..."

Remus sighed, nudging him into the arms of some fawning house elves. Settling down on a pile of sacks to let Severus get on with it, he watched the older boy sadly.

Severus sat down not able to look at Remus. Not after what he had almost done.

The elves prodded and nagged some food into him as Remus watched. He knew there was something unspoken between them, but deep down he knew Severus really didn't want to mention it.

Severus ate quietly not meeting Remus gaze.

It was hard not to stare at Severus. He had so much he wanted to talk about since that day in the bathroom. He wished things could go back to the way they had been.

Severus finished eating, though it wasn't much. Half a sandwich and a small pile of crisps.

Remus made himself smile, standing up to grip Severus's shoulder. He was helping. He told himself that and it made him feel better. In his own small way, he was helping.

"You never eat much do you?" He asked. Severus shook his head.

"My stomach can't handle it. Even after trying to eat normally for almost six years...."

Grimly Remus gritted his teeth. He hated guessing at Severus's childhood because it always made him sad.

"Well you know... I could eat enough for both of us sometimes!"

Severus smiled slightly at that. "Can you help me to my room?" He asked.

Remus nodded, taking his hand roughly and heading back out into the corridor. Everyone would be in class right now, the corridors should be safe for another hour; enough time to get Severus home safe...

Once they arrived at the room Remus helped Severus to the bed. "Why do you put up with me?" He asked. "How many times have we done this now?"

With his most reassuring smile, Remus shrugged and helped him with his heavy duvet.

"I kinda like walking you home like this... I just worry I'm going to be seen and get you in trouble."

"You couldn't make it any worse." Severus said seriously.

"What will Lucius say now you're back?"

"Considering I'm sick and he's a huge germ-a-phoebe he'll probably fuck off." He said.

"You're not sick, Sev... you just need to get some rest and eat a bit more..." Remus once again was forcing his cheerful edge.

"I haven't eaten properly if anything in over a week Remus... how am I not going to be sick from that?"

"I'm just... trying not to think about it, is all..."

"If you don't want to think about it you best get back to class then. I'll probably be heaving up what I just ate in about twenty minutes." He said. "Don't worry about me I'll be at dinner, I promise."

"I want to stay... I really do. I wish we had more time... I really wish I'd known where you were sooner." Remus wouldn't let go of his hand.

"Remus...." He said almost as if coming to a conclusion. "Did you... did you try to find me before? Or did you.... just notice today I was missing?"

The younger boy looked hurt.

"I've been looking for you all week, since the afternoon you left that bathroom. I even considered asking Malfoy... " his voice hushed, "I just never thought you would go back... there."

"I knew it was the one place you wouldn't look.... To be honest.... I didn't want anyone to find me." He said sadly.

"Were you going to... come back?"

Severus sat on the bed looking at his hand. He shook his head.

Remus fought back the lump in his throat, still clutching at Severus's hand it was his turn to feel lost.

"But why?"

"I figured if... I just left I'd... just.... disappear I guess." He said. "I don't want to be here anymore."

"Is it.. because of me? Should I just have left you alone?"

"Remus... you..." He paused thinking about his next words carefully. He knew no matter how he worded this he was going to hurt Remus. It hurt him to know that he was going to. "You mean a lot to me Remus but.... you're only a small fraction of my life... When things are outweighed... they generally don't have much influence. Between school and home.... Remus you're the only good thing I have... and even then I don't fully trust you..."

His words did sting. Remus knew that despite his interminable positive nature, it couldn't have affected Severus in the few short weeks they had been 'together'. Remus couldn't help that he was felt emotionally attached to a boy he knew only a little. Opening his mouth to come back, he found that he had no reply. He was just unhappy. He finally whispered,

"But... that's not a reason... what did you want to happen? For me to find you next month when..."

"No..." Severus said sadly. "I didn't want anyone to find me... Not until..." he looked away from Remus not wanting to tell him. "Remus... Did you know that suicide is a sin?" he asked.

Remus swallowed, looking very hard at the older boy.

"Yes of course I knew that... If you believe in God."

Severus sighed and leaned back against his head board. "I don't really believe in God... not after all I've been through.... but... There are things I do believe... like the fact that suicide is a sin... but there are ways around that. Ways of dying without going to hell."

Remus kept his mournful eyes on him, he couldn't believe Severus was saying this... He knew that the older boy was unhappy, but never that he was this unhappy.

"I figured that if I just... locked myself away then... it would just.... happen..." He said tears filling his eyes. "I don't want to be here anymore. I'm not.... I'm not strong enough..."

The younger boy's arms were around him again. Remus pressed his lips again Severus's neck. He didn't know any words that he could say, but he didn't want Severus to feel this alone. He wanted him to know that he didn't have to give up.

Severus hugged him back. He felt so weak. So... pathetic...

"No matter what happens Severus... I will always be here for you. If you need help.... or need someone for anything at all..... you know I'll be here!" He said. "No matter what..."

Severus pulled back and looked at Remus sadly. "And during the summer? When my Father has me prone on the floor while he's beating me? What then? Or when James and Sirius are picking on me? Will you stand up for me?" He asked. "What about when I graduate and am left on my own... my Father won't want me there.... when I have nowhere to go.... what then?"

Remus pulled away and looked at him seriously again.

"That won't happen again. I shan't let it. I shan't let James and Sirius upset you. I shan't let you be alone. I shan't let you be hurt again, I promised you that... and I know I broke my promise. But I want to help you... I know you think I am stupid and I don't understand your suffering... and I know my parents always supported me, and I have friends who I couldn't do without... but I have you, and I love you so much, and I need you to know that I am here.... no matter."

Remus knew he was rambling, but he had so much he wanted Severus to know...

"What about during the summer?" He asked. "When you're not there?"

The younger boy blushed again...

"You could always come... stay with me, or something..."

Severus shook his head sadly. "I can't... I... I have to go home."

"But... it drove you to this!" Remus waved at Severus. "I hate to see you this upset. I don't want them hurt you any more."

"I can't.... I have to go home for the summer..." He said sadly. "I... don't have a choice."

Trying not to show his sadness, Remus kissed his cheek softly...

"The summer is only a month long... next year is a whole new school year and I'll be here. Do you think you can last that long? You're nearly seventeen, and you can do whatever you want to..."

"Yeah..." He said. He didn't want to tell Remus that it was only two more days until his seventeenth birthday. He could legally use magic outside the school soon, and was of legal age to... he made a mental note to talk to Dumbledore later... He would need help with that.

Still concerned, but somehow happier now that Severus was fed and in bed, Remus kissed him again.

"Are you going to be ok?"

"Yes... I just have a lot on my mind." He said. He looked up at Remus and smiled sadly. "Remus..." He said as Remus was standing off the bed. "I'm glad you found me."

Remus looked embarrassed and scratched his neck.

"Actually... Pete sort of told me where you were. I think I owe him now..."

"Little rat probably wants a reward for it too doesn't he?" Severus asked. Remus looked at him wondering if Severus knew about Peter being an animagus but realized it was more of an insult than anything.

The young Gryffindor shuddered.

"Peter wouldn't ask me for that... he just said he wanted paying back... Probably wants some essays doing, or to get Sirius to give him back his diary or something..." He laughed nervously. "No problem really..."

Severus looked at him and raised an eyebrow. "I wasn't implying sex... what did Peter say exactly?"

Remus blushed darker, not sure how much he should tell Severus. Then deciding that most of the information would be prudent.

"He said he saw us... that night... and that he wouldn't tell James and Sirius. He said he would show me to where you were hiding..... for a price."

"But he didn't specify what the price was?" He asked.

Shaking his head, Remus maintained his weak smile.

"Hey... I know him... Pete's my friend. Him and me, and Sirius and James have been together since the beginning... He's not going to ask... that!"

"Perhaps not..." Severus said not believing him. He may trust Remus but the rest of the Marauders where another story all together.

Remus realised this, he didn't raise his voice, but his tone became more pleading.

"Severus... I know you may not trust them, or even like them. But those boys are my friends. Sirius was the first person I told about... my problem... and I would call him my best friend. I don't expect you two to ever be friends, but please understand how much they mean to me..."

"I never said a word against any of them.... I just don't trust them." He said as he stifled a yawn.

The younger boy let his hands slip away from the bed.

"I know... I know. I should probably leave you to sleep... Just promise me you'll look after yourself. Will I see you in class this afternoon? I saved all our assignments in Potions, Transfiguration, Dark Arts... you know... in case you need it. I know it's mock NEWTs soon..."

"I think I'll just skip out the afternoon. If could bring me my homework though I would greatly appreciate it. Give me something to do and I can catch up..." He smiled. "Maybe if you want I can meet you in the Library later and you can help me?"

Remus's face lit up. Finally something about Severus's life that he understood and could help with.

"I'd like that. I'll be there from about seven tonight. Any time you want to join my is fine... shall we say our usual table?" That wolfish grin was back.

"Sounds fine.... as long as we get some work done." He said smirking.

Rising to his feet, ready for his long sneak out of the Slytherin Common Room, Remus smiled warmly.

"I promise... I don't want you to fail you exams or anything..."

"Remus, I could miss a month and not fail my exams." Severus laughed.

He moved closer to the door, still grinning.

"I figured... you know I was always kinda jealous of you. Like you were the one to beat or something... ah it doesn't matter much... I know you're just as neurotic as I am now. So it's a level playing field or something. Just be sure to stay well, and I'll see you at dinner!"

And with that Remus had swept off down the stairs and away, making sure that he wasn't seen.

TBC....

((AN... another day another chapter.... next chapter coming.... when ever we finish the next chapter..... RATE OR REVIEW OR I SHALL CUT YOUR HEART OUT WITH A SPOON!!!

Pasha: But cousin why a spoon?

Me: It's dull you twit it'll hurt more!

Ahem.... anyway please R&R xD))