But I Won't Do That

After two hours of staring at the ceiling, Harry finally accepted that he just wasn’t going to get any sleep. He sat up and wiped the last remnants of his most recent tears away and put his glasses back on with a sigh.

Despite the almost universal happiness he’d encountered (he shuddered again at the memory of Ginny’s fury) Harry knew he wasn’t really welcome – not yet, anyway. And the feeling that he should run, while manageable, was giving him a lot of nervous energy.

Harry stood up and pulled his jeans and t-shirt back on. He thought briefly of going for a walk, but decided that leaving the house was probably a bad idea. But the house itself was big enough; Harry stepped out of his room and headed downstairs.

As he reached the landing that looked down over the foyer, a gasp caught his attention. Harry turned to the window and froze in shock at the scene. Draco was leaning against the windowsill with his head tilted back and his mouth open. Neville was on his knees in front of Draco, clearly giving what looked like an expert blowjob. Draco’s face was bathed in moonlight, and his blissful expression made him look like a horny angel.

Harry began to panic, wondering how he’d get away without attracting attention, when Draco’s eyes slit open and he started. “Bloody hell!” Draco blurted harshly. Neville turned, saw Harry and hastily stood up, blushing furiously.

“Damn, sorry!” Harry said quickly, also blushing. “Here, I’m going back upstairs…”

“Forget it, Potter, you’ve thoroughly ruined the mood,” Draco snapped, buttoning his clothes. “Your first night back and you’re already fucking with our lives again; congratulations!”

“Draco,” Neville murmured, reaching out to place his hand on Draco’s shoulder, but Draco swatted it away irritably.

“Forget it,” Draco growled again. “I’m going downstairs for a snack. Unless Potter’s curdled the milk already.” And with a pop he Disapparated.

“Sorry, Neville,” Harry stammered.

Neville sighed. “It’s okay, Harry. He’ll get over it. Draco’s like that, really hot and cold.” He shrugged. “I’m kind of used to it by now.”

“Er…have you two been…for a long time?”

“Yeah, about…eight months,” Neville said, reddening a bit again.

“Uh, Neville, I…” Harry began to sweat, fear filling him again. No, I can’t have done this again…

“Harry? Harry, what’s wrong?” Neville asked nervously.

“Neville, I didn’t know !” Harry blurted out. “I- when they found me, Draco, he… and we, and I didn’t stop him! And I didn’t know about you but that’s no excuse because I never should have…” Harry covered his face with his hands. “I b-betrayed you again!”

“Harry! Calm down!” Neville said. He stepped forward and pulled Harry’s hands down. “Draco’s not mine, we’re not exclusive or anything. We just…have a bit of fun now and then.”

“Really?”

“Of course. I mean, it’s Draco we’re talking about; I don’t think he actually knows what the word ‘relationship’ means,” Neville said.

Harry stared in surprise. “How- are you sure you’re Neville?” he asked with a half-laugh. “You’re so different from what I remember…”

“I get that a lot lately,” Neville chuckled. “I went up to Hogwarts a couple weeks ago to say hello, since I’d been in Hogsmeade on business, and Professor Sprout didn’t even recognize me.”

“I bet. Neville, how did you get so…so buff? You look incredible!”

Neville blushed again. “Auror training, Harry,” he said. “You have to be in really top condition, so I got myself in shape.”

“You- you’re an Auror?” Harry gasped in shock. “Is what Draco said true, then? He’s an Auror too?”

“And Ginny,” Neville nodded. “Me and Draco went through the training together, and Ginny was a year behind us, but she caught us up and we all finished together about a year ago.”

“Ginny?” Harry whispered. His hand slid up to gingerly touch his cheek; it still stung. “That explains this,” he muttered.

Neville smiled shyly. “She can take me in a fight, Harry. She’s incredible, she’s so damn tough.”

“Yeah,” Harry answered; his stomach gave a little lurch. “She always has been.”

“That’s true.”

“Neville…how did you get like this? I mean, you seem so sure of yourself, and that really wasn’t you!”

“No, it sure wasn’t,” Neville admitted. “It was actually you that did it.”

“What? How could it have been me when I wasn’t…”

“When you left…well, actually right before we found out you’d gone, we were sitting together trying to come to terms with it. And while I listened to the others, I sort of had a realization.”

Harry shook his head. “What realization?”

“That I was doing about as well as the others. I wasn’t worse at dealing, or better. And when I realized that, it was really clear that that was true everywhere for me; but I’d been told my whole life I was at the lower end of the competency scale, and I’d believed it. When I realized I wasn’t really worse off than the others it was very…liberating. It gave me a good bit of confidence, and that made things start going right for me more often, which made me more confident.” He shrugged. “I’ve done a lot of stuff I’d never have believed I was capable of.”

“Like what?” Harry asked, amazed.

“Well,” Neville answered hesitantly after a pause, “about seven months ago, I killed Bellatrix Lestrange.”

Harry gaped at Neville. “You did what?”

“It’s why I wanted to join the Aurors, Harry,” Neville said painfully. “I know revenge is exactly the wrong reason to do this kind of job, but that’s what it was. I wanted revenge on her for taking my parents away, and on all the bloody Death Eaters for taking you.” He scowled. “When I caught up to her I still gave her the chance to surrender, you know, but she attacked me. It was the only way.”

Harry saw the haunted look flash across Neville’s features. “It hurts, doesn’t it?”

Neville looked up, surprised, but then his expression softened. “Yeah. Yeah, it does; every day. It doesn’t matter how evil they were, or what horrible things they did. When you kill-”

“-everything changes.” Harry nodded. “V-V-” He licked his lips. “ Voldemort killed my parents and ruined my life; he got my godfather killed too. He took family from the people I loved, and made the rest of us live in fear for years. And even so…after I killed him, it hurt so much that I’d taken a life that I almost killed myself for real.”

Neville sighed; his shoulders shifted and unclenched, releasing a tension Harry hadn’t realized was there. “Thanks, Harry,” he whispered. “It’s not something I could talk to anyone else about, they just wouldn’t get it. There’s some other Aurors who’ve… but I don’t know them at all. The only other people I know who’ve killed are Moody and Dumbledore, and they’re both too…far removed from their first one. It’s distant enough to be different for them.”

Harry nodded; he realized that something he’d been carrying for four years was vanishing as well. Deciding a change of subject was in order, he said “So how did you even get in the program? I mean, you weren’t even in Snape’s advanced Potions class.”

Neville didn’t answer immediately. “When you- when everyone thought you were dead, that made you a martyr. But the wizarding world wanted living, breathing heroes to praise. And since we all were closest to you, we got elected. When Kingsley Shacklebolt took over as Minister a couple months later, he said we could have any jobs we wanted, so Draco, Ginny and I said we wanted to be Aurors.”

Harry stared furiously for a moment. “I bloody well knew it,” he said tightly. “A martyr. That’s great. Did they come up with a new name for me too? ‘The Boy Who Lives On In Our Hearts’? ‘The Boy Who Lived and Then Died’?”

“Harry, don’t joke about it,” Neville said, and his voice was soft, but strong as steel. “Don’t belittle what you did. You went out and eliminated the single greatest threat to the wizarding world when you were seventeen. You saved thousands of lives. I know you weren’t here to see it, but life in the wizarding world has been a million times better since it happened. You deserved every accolade they laid to your name.”

Harry glared at Neville, but then he sighed. He took off his glasses and pinched the bridge of his nose. “What accolades?” he asked.

Neville smiled slightly at the reluctant tone. “The Ministry posthumously awarded you the Order of Merlin, First Class, with Crossed Wands and Quills, and then retired that level of the award, because nothing could ever compare to what you did. That statue that was in the Ministry building’s entrance hall was torn down and replaced with a statue of you.” Harry groaned, and Neville chuckled. “It gets worse. The west wing of St. Mungo’s was renamed the Harry Potter wing, and the day it happened has been declared Harry Potter Day.”

“Argh…” Harry hid his face in his hands again. “No more…”

Neville barely contained his mirth. “You mean you don’t want to hear about the huge memorial? Or the funeral that every Minister in the world showed up for?”

“Stop, I’m begging you!” Harry cried desperately. He scowled as Neville coughed unconvincingly to hide his laughter. “Seriously, Neville, how am I supposed to come back?”

Neville sobered quickly. “I don’t know, Harry.”

“Everyone thinks I’m dead. If I just suddenly appear after four years…” Harry shivered. “I don’t think I can deal with that. Merlin, the thought of seeing the Weasleys’ faces…” His eyes grew misty. “And Dumbledore might have a heart attack. But…I can’t stay shut up in here forever.”

“That would make Draco happy, I think,” Neville said with a light smirk.

“Great.” Harry considered Neville for a minute. “It really doesn’t bother you? About Draco, I mean.”

Harry, I’m practical,” Neville said reassuringly. “I never deluded myself into thinking Draco would want something permanent, it’s just not him.” He stretched. “Don’t worry about Draco, Harry. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

Harry took a deep breath. “Yes I did. It’s why I left, remember?”

Neville sat back against the railing and gazed out the window, his head turned away from Harry. “Harry,” he said finally, “it didn’t even get to me that much that you…used us like you did. I knew what you’d been through – hell, I’d been there for some of it – and I couldn’t honestly say I wouldn’t have done something equally drastic. It probably wasn’t the worst thing you could have done, and I can forgive it, because I can understand why. What really hurt was…

“You know what my childhood was like, Harry. My parents were gone…well, for all intents and purposes, they were. I grew up with my gran, and she was good to me. But I was never that confident to begin with, and my family didn’t exactly help with that.

“I never had someone to look up to, you know? A role model. I mean, people like Dumbledore aren’t the same, they were so far above me. But when I got to Hogwarts, and met you…you were my age, you’d been through a lot already, you’d lost your parents like me. And then you kept on doing incredible things, every year, and you kept fighting to stay in our world. It was inspiring to see. I- really wanted to be like you; I thought you were so confident, I really admired you. And I could relate to you, because you were there, going through what I was, being my friend.

“When you canceled the Charm, I realized I’d been deluding myself, telling myself that your falling apart at the end of sixth year was perfectly natural. That’s what really hurt – knowing that I’d been forced to lie to myself, because I couldn’t bear the idea that someone I admired so much could be so…so human. And it was worse, because I wanted to believe so badly that you were a real hero. The absolute worst thing was realizing the person I’d looked up to for so long could make such a huge mistake.”

Neville turned back to Harry and frowned at Harry’s stricken expression. “Harry, don’t take this the wrong way. I’ve had years to think about this, and most of it was my own fault for hero-worshipping you. You’re only human, I know that now. I just… thought it needed to be said. I thought you should hear it. You made some bad choices, but I’ve long since gotten over being hurt by them.”

“Neville,” Harry whispered, “I don’t deserve to be forgiven.”

Neville sighed. “Of course you do. I’ve spent years getting over what happened, but it sounds like you’ve spent the same time convincing yourself you’re worse than Voldemort was. You’re not.” He grinned at Harry’s surprised smile. “Go a bit easier on yourself, Harry. You were badly traumatized from years of pain and loss. I think you deserve at least a little slack. And the others will come around eventually. But you’ll have to talk to them too.”

“Yeah, I know. I can’t wait,” Harry said, rubbing the back of his neck. “Neville, are you- I dunno, happy? I’ve missed so much, I don’t know how things have been…I was just wondering if your life is good.”

“Yeah. Yeah, it is, Harry. Even though I joined the Aurors for the wrong reasons, it’s really fulfilling work. And at the induction ceremony for me, Draco and Ginny…it was the first time I’d ever, ever seen my gran cry. She was so proud, seeing me follow my parents’ path. Seeing that look on her face… she said ‘For the first time, I see your father in you.’ I’ve never been prouder of anything I’ve ever done.”

“That’s terrific, Neville. I’m really happy for you.”

“So stop telling yourself you’ve forever ruined all our lives.”

Harry’s eyes widened. “When did you get so insightful?”

Neville grinned again. “I was never dense like Ron, Harry, I just lacked confidence.” They both chuckled, and Neville’s turned into a big yawn. “Oh, I think it’s time for bed for real now.” He headed for the stairs, but stopped as he drew even with Harry, and laid his hand on Harry’s shoulder. “You’re back where you belong, Harry. Never doubt it.”

“Thanks, Neville,” Harry said softly. Neville smiled, and headed up the stairs. Harry watched him go, and then turned and headed down to the kitchen for a snack.