Devonna

The world didn\'t end.

Katherine was so disappointed thavingving Draco as a love slave became so unappealing that she gave him to Devonna. Devonna was delighted to receive such a fine gift. In fact, she was so delighted that she and Draco decided to get married immediately.

One day, as Devonna and Katherine were strolling past Quest 49, Devonna noticed the best thing ever and exclaimed, \"See that hooded cloak? I want it. It\'s supposed to be used instead of a veil. I guess I should get married after all.\"

\"Weren\'t you always gng mng married?\" asked Katherine.

\"Well...yeah, this has sealed the deal,\" answered Devonna. \"Now that I have a Hobbit thing to wear at my wedding, maybe my husband will live longer than a year after we\'re wed.\"

\"Hey, aren\'t you still married to Frodo?\" questioned Katherine.

\"Yeah, it turns out he was gay. He was Megan\'s concubine, you know,\" Devonna told her.

\"Hmm...oh, yeah,\" shrugged Katherine. \"Can I be your Maid of Honour again? Third time\'s a charm.\"

\"Let\'s hope so,\" Devonna nodded. \"Widowhood sucks.\"

\"It does? Well, there goes my weekend,\" Katherine said as she disposed of various husband-killing tools. \"Thanks for the warning.\"

\"Draco\'s father is going to be the best man,\" Devonna informed her friend.

\"That\'s sorta weird,\" said Katherine.

\"I had to talk him out of picking Crabbe or Goyle,\" Devonna said.

\"Ugh!\" grimaced Katherine.

\"Yeah, well, there ya go,\" said the Hobbit Queen.

When Devonna and Katherine returned to Devonna\'s palace, Jenna revealed that she and Ron were expecting.

\"How did that happen?\" gasped Katherine.

\"How do you think?\" Jenna snapped.

\"I don\'t know, considering Ron\'s gay,\" Katherine retorted.

Jenna was characteristically confused, \"Gay? What?\"

\"Yeah. Remember Harry?\" continued Katherine.

\"Hey, Harry switched,\" Devonna interrupted.

Jenna thought for a moment, \"Couldn\'t Ron switch too?\"

Everyone was silent.

\"You\'re not gay, are you, sweetie?\" Jenna asked her husband.

Ron looked at his feet and didn\'t answer.

\"Dammit, now I\'m more confused than ever,\" Jenna whined. \"Why did you make me wear that black wig and why did you draw that lightning bolt thing on my forehead, Ron?\"

More silence followed.

Finally, Devonna kicked Ron, he started crying and Katherine said, \"Alright, I\'ve ;lost interest in this. Let\'s do something else.\"

No one would do anything with her, so she said, \"Screw you guys, I\'m goin\' home.\"

When she got home she played sexy chess with Severus and it was fun. She won.

\"So,\" said Katherine after the engaging game of sexy chess, \"how about when this: when Devonna and Draco go to Egypt for their honeymoon, you and I follow them.\"

\"Did we ever have a honeymoon?\"

\"Did we ever get married?\"

\"Well, I have a ring.\"

\"You have a ring?\" Katherine asked in surprise. \"Why don\'t I have a -- oh, that\'s what that is.\"

As she gazed down t her new-found wedding band, Katherine suddenly inquired, \"Why can\'t I remember our wedding?\"

\"I don\'t know where we got married, how we got married, or why we got married. We just did,\" Severus said. \"But I sure remember that night...\"

\"Why? What happened?\"

Severus smirked an evil smirk.

The next day, everyone Devonna and Draco knew attended the ceremony. The Torture Chamber was full of well-wishers and other people who didn\'t really want to go but were forced into it. As Devonna walked down the aisle, Hermione commented, \"I like that hat! What a great hat!\"

\"That\'s a hood, stupid,\" Jenna corrected.

Devonna turned around, \"It is a cloak.\"

\"Too bad Devonna killed her father,\" Ron mused. \"Draco\'s father has to walk her down the aisle this time around.\"

\"Hey, let\'s take some bets,\" suggested Hagrid. \"Who do you think Devonna\'s next husband will be?\"

\"I suppose it could be anyone,\" mused Voldemort, who had flown in from his condo in Florida, where he had chosen to retire instead of destroying the universe.

All of a sudden, every gaze was fixed upon the creature who was going to marry Devonna and Draco. It was a devilish, leprechaunish, little thing with red skin, pointed ears and a demonic grin.

\"Eamon!!\" Katherine squealed as she ran to scoop him up into a warm embrace. \"It\'s been too long! Hey, I didn\'t know you were a priest.\"

\"A what?\" Eamon asked in his adorable Irish accent.

\"Oh, well, it doesn\'t matter,\" Katherine smiled. \"All that matters is that we\'re together again.\"

\"Uhh...yeah, I think we\'re supposed to be getting married here,\" Draco prompted.

\"Patience is a virtue,\" Katherine said.

\"You\'re married to me,\" said Severus.

\"Adultery is also a virtue,\" Katherine added, gazing at Eamon Jiggory.

Severus slapped Katherine and explained that he was going to be evil again. Katherine was surprisingly pleased by this news and she requested that they might take Eamon home after the wedding as the new (and improved) Draco.

\"Okay, Eamon,\" Devonna interjected, \"are you the priest or not?\"

\"What? Priest? Where?\" Eamon looked frantically around the Torture Chamber with a look of terror on his pointy little face.

\"Calm down. Look, can you marry us or not?\" Devonna questioned.

\"Ohhhhh, why didn\'t you say so?\" Eamon said with pride. \"Yep! I got my marrying licence back in 1313.\"

\"Then get on with it,\" Draco said. And they did.

\"Do you, Draco Malfoy, take this Hobbit to be your lawfully wedded wife as long as you both shall live?\" Eamon asked.

\"I do,\" Draco said, squeezing Devonna\'s hand.

\"Devonna, same question,\" Eamon yawned.

\"I do!\" she chirped.

\"Okay then. You may kiss the bride and all that shit!\" Eamon yelled. \"I\'m outta here!\"

\"Oh, no, you don\'t!\" said Katherine grabbing his long tail.

After the reception, Devonna and Draco got on their broomstick and headed to Egypt, followed in close pursuit by Eamon, Katherine and Severus. Meanwhile, at the Burrow, Jenna was studying a book of baby names and discussing it with Ron.

\"Hmm...what do you think of the name Hortense?\" Jenna questioned.

Ron said, \"Wasn\'t I gay?\"

\"Whatever you say, honey,\" said Jenna.

\"That\'s it!\" Ron shouted. \"I\'ve had enough of your shit! As soon as you have this baby, you\'re dead!\"

\"So...you\'re cool with Hortense?\"

Down in Egypt, The newlyweds were thoroughly enjoying their honeymoon when they heard a ghostly moaning not their own. Devonna peaked out from under the covers and gasped, \"Harry!\"

\"Hello,\" the ghost replied.

Draco popped his head out from under the blankets and Harry flew into a rage, \"How could you, Devonna? He\'s my mortal enemy!

\"Oh, come on!\" cried Devonna. \"You were still screwing Ron for months after we were married!\"

\"Okay, let\'s get one thing straight: I\'m straight!\" yelled Harry\'s spirit. \"Ron was merely a youthful indiscretion. I was only experimenting. What\'s your excuse, you slut?\"

Devonna\'s jaw dropped, \"Oh, I\'m through with you! If you weren\'t dead, I\'d divorce you!\"

The door swung open and Katherine emerged holding a squirming Eamon in her arms and said, \"Hey, I thought you guys might wanna see Eamon.\"

\"Why the hell would we want to see Eamon?!\" Devonna and Draco screamed.

\"Well, he\'s Eamon,\" Katherine smirked as she fumbled with the naked little demon.

\"Katie, where did you put Eamon?\" Severus called as he walked into the honeymoon suite.

\"I got him right here,\" Katherine answered. \"He\'s a frisky devil, isn\'t he?\"

\"GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!!!\" Devonna hollered.

\"Fine. We can take a hint,\" Katherine said as she shut the door behind her.

Devonna and Draco still were not alone for Harry had returned and he was howling in disgust. As he floated down onto the bed, he smacked both Devonna and Draco on their sweetly rounded asses. The two living people in the bedroom shrieked at the pleasant surprise.

\"Nice to have you back, Harry,\" Devonna cooed. \"Would you like to stay and watch us enjoy the flesh that we have and you will never have again?\"

\"Sure, why not?\" Harry accepted. \"I already watched Eamon, Katherine and Severus. I\'m willing to bet that you can\'t out-do them.\"

\"Oh, yeah?\" Draco challenged wickedly.

\"I don\'t know, Draco,\" Devonna hesitated. \"I mean, Eamon\'s pretty wild.\"

\"Oh, and I\'m not?\" Draco insisted.

\"Yeah, you\'re right, hot pants,\" smiled Devonna. \"Let\'s do this thing.\"

And they did. They did it so well that the cold air created by Harry\'s ghostly presence boiled and steamed up the the entire building. The sounds of the bed thumping and of their ecstatic cries drowned out the rattling chain noises which had accompanied Harry.

\"That wasn\'t too bad,\" Harry applauded when they had finished. \"But y\'know, back in the day, Ron and I could have blown you two away anytime.\"

\"Hmm...yeah, well, now you\'re dead, so get lost,\" commanded Draco.

\"You two aren\'t going to have many friends by the time this honeymoon is over,\" Harry chastised. \"You keep forcing people out of your marriage bed like this and you\'ll never have a decent dinner party. Anyway, I gotta get going. Ron and I have a few things to clear up and I need to figure out how to tell him that my life with him was a lie.\"

\"Well, good luck with that, eh?\" Devonna said as Harry disappeared.

Nine months later, the pregnant Devonna and the pregnant Katherine were taking Jenna and Ron\'s new baby Wesley Weasley out for a walk with Eamon. None of the people who were on this outing knew where Jenna, Ron, Draco, Severus, Hermione or Voldemort were. Eamon was scurrying around chasing people to amuse Katherine. Devonna was trying to sneak away without Katherine noticing when she received word that Jenna had been murdered.

\"Hey,\" called Devonna, \"Jenna\'s dead!\"

Eamon and Katherine stopped frolicking and the latter said, \"Ohh...that\'s...terrible...\"

\"Yeah, I know...\" Devonna agreed. \"Let\'s go home.\"

And they did. When they got home Katherine asked, \"Dev, how did you know Jenna had died?\"

\"Someone told me,\" Devonna responded.

\"Let\'s take Eamon and Wesley to the Burrow and try to solve mystery of Jenna\'s demise,\" proposed Katherine.

Devonna accepted and at the Burrow they found the rest of their crew. Ron looked morbidly magnificent in a black mourning gown.

\"Isn\'t that my dress?\" Katherine questioned of Ron.

\"It looks better on me anyway,\" Ron said.

\"Yes doe does,\" said Severus.

\"I hate being pregnant,\" complained Katherine. \"My husband is attracted to Ron!\"

\"So is mine,\" said the equally pregnant Devonna as she belted Draco across the cheek for putting his hand on Ron\'s butt.

\"I can\'t help it if I\'m a sexy, vulnerable young widow,\" Ron said innocently.

\"So,\" Devonna began, \"where were each of you when jenna was killed earlier today?\"

\"I was playing with Eamon -- he\'s not attracted to Ron,\" Katherine glared at Severus.

\"I know, \" said Devonna. \"I was with you.\"

\"Where are Dumbledore, McGonagall and Hagrid?\" Draco wondered aloud.

\"Paper\'s here!\" Frodo announced as he entered the room.

\"Look! It\'s Frodo!\" Devonna exclaimed, shocked. \"My ex-husband! How are things with you and Sam?\"

\"Who cares how things are going with im and Sam?\" Snape growled, snatching the Daily Prophet away from the homosexual Hobbit. \"We have to read the newspaper.\"

Katherine pointed to a headline that read Professor McGonagall Arrested for Indecent Exposure, another which read Dumbledore Dead on Toilet, and finally Hagrid Appointed Minister of Magic.

\"Well, that explains that,\" Devonna dismissively. \"Now where were the rest of you?\"

Hermione spoke first, \"I was at the doctor\'s. Appary, Iy, I\'m eight months pregnant. No wonder I\'ve gotten so huge.\"

Katherine was still pissed at Severus because of his attraction to Ron, so she said to her husband, \"Where were you?\"

\"Here,\" Severus answered. \"I spent most of the day going through Ron\'s underwear drawer.\"

\"I\'m leaving you for Eamon!!\" Katherine wailed.

\"Kate, this really isn\'t the time for this,\" said Devonna. \"Jenna\'s dead, remember?\"

\"Oh, do any of us really care abthatthat anymore?\" replied Katherine.

\"I know I don\'t,\" Ron said quickly. \"So how about you all head on out \'cause I\'ve got a grave to dig and all.\"

\"Why couldn\'t you have done your digging earlier today?\" inquired Devonna. \"What were you doing all day, Ron?\"

\"Well, I sure was not killing Jenna,\" Ron responded.

\"Oh, okay. How about you, Voldemort?\" continued Devonna.

\"Right, everyone suspects the supreme Dark Lord whenever a homicide occurs. Talk about stereotyping!\" said Voldemort in disgust. \"I\'ll have you know that I was in Florida selecting a new condo better suited for my ever expanding brood of blood-thirsty minions -- I mean, family.\"

\"I was planning on having Devonna\'s name tattooed on my ass today,\" Draco told the crew. \"But I got to thinking and Devonna\'s marriages never last long. I\'ll either be killed or fall in love with Ron, so I got Ron\'s name instead. Wanna see?\"

Devonna burst into tears.

\"Nice job, Weasley,\" Draco scowled at Ron.

\"The destruction of these treasured relationships reminds me of where I was today,\" said Frodo. \"In answer to Devonna\'s earlier question, Sam and I are no longer together. I broke things off with him this afternoon.\"

Later that evening, Draco and Severus were walking home alone because their wives had ditched them. Draco had a thought, \"Maybe we should stop liking Ron so much.\"

\"I agree,\" said Severus. \"We\'re not gay, after all.\"

\"We\'re not?\" asked Draco. \"Then why are we holding hands?\"

\"Sorry,\" apologized Severus. \"I keep forgetting your not ours anymore.\"

\"That\'s okay,\" shrugged Draco. \"I don\'t mind. It is pretty dark and spooky out tonight. But don\'t tell my wife or she\'ll beat me.\"

\"I thought you liked it rough,\" said Severus.

\"Not violently rough, playfully rough,\" Draco corrected.

\"Right,\" Severus smiled.

\"Why did we ever start liking Ron in the first place?\" Draco questioned. \"I think I was just bored.\"

\"Hey, wanna kRon?Ron?\" Severus suggested.

\"Okay. Let\'s head back to the Burrow and do him in,\" nodded Draco.

The two snuck into the Burrow and slipped into Ron\'s bedroom. As they crawled underneath Ron\'s bed to wait for Ron\'s return, they bumped into someone else who was hiding under the bed.

\"What are you doing here? Hoping to watch Ron undre" Ka" Katherine asked angrily.

\"No, we\'re going to kill him,\" Severus replied.

\"I\'m fine with that,\" Katherine said. \"But I don\'t want to know what you plan on doing with the corpse.\"

Draco asked Katherine, \"What are you doing here?\"

\"Looking for Eamon,\" said Katherine. \"I forgot to grab him on my way out of here and I thought he might be under the bed.\"

\"Yeah, he loves it under the bed,\" Severus said knowingly. The people under the bed became silent as tedroedroom door opened and Ron was revealed. He gazed lovingly at himself in the mirror.

\"If only Harry could see how stunning I look in Katherine\'s dress,\" Ron sighed.

Draco turned to Severus and said, \"By the way, I was only joking earlier. Devonna doesn\'t beat me. She\'s the best wife in the world -- so much better than you two.\"

Severus hit Draco on the side of the head and the threesome continued to eavesdrop on Ron.

\"After we get out from under this bed,atheatherine whispered to Severus, \"jump on Draco and abuse him in countless unmentionable ways.\"

\"Like you used to do?\" Severus asked.

\"Yep,\" Katherine nodded. \"Something like our wedding night but en times nastier!\"

Luckily for Draco, the pale specter of Harry materialized on Ron\'s bed. Ron screamed with a mixture of joy and fright that can only come when one sees the spirit of a dead lover.

\"Harry!\" Ron exclaimed. \"You\'ve come back to me! I always knew you would. I knew you always loved me.\"

\"Actually, Ron,\" Harry began as Ron scrambled up beside the ghost, \"that\'s just the thing. I have returned to tell you that our love was a lie. Our relationship was only a way for me to experiment. I\'m not gay, Ron.\"

With that, three people (plus a demon) rolled out from under the bed and four people fell out of the closet. The people from under the bed were shocked to see Devonna, Frodo, Voldemort and Hermione on the floor beside them.

\"What the hell?\" asked Ron.

\"What the hell yourself?\" they yelled back.

\"I knew it!\" said Devonna. \"I knew you killed Jenna. Why else would you have to dig a grave?\"

\"Oh, you\'re so clever,\" Ron said sarcastically.

\"You know,\" Draco said, \"Severus and I were already planning on killing Ron before Harry\'s ghost arrived, so how about it?\"

\"No,\" Severus shook his head. \"I\'m supposed to do something horrible and disgusting to you, remember?\"

\"You leave him alone, Severus!\" shouted Devonna, getting up and hugging her husband. \"Let\'s go home.\"

So Devonna and Draco left.

\"I\'m against killing Ron,\" Frodo said. \"He\'s too beautiful to die.\"

Ron smiled bashfully and sometime after that he and Frodo fell desperately in love.

One month later, Devonna, Hermione, and Katherine had their children in the Torture Chamber. All four babies were delivered by Eamon. Devonna gave birth to a boy named Malachi Malfoy and a girl named Mercedes Malfoy. Katherine gave birth to a girl named Selena Snape. Hermione gave birth to a boy named Vlad Voldemort. Devonna\'s children both had blond hair. Mercedes had had silvery eyes like her father, while Malachi had hazel eyes like his mother. Katherine\'s child had black hair and stunning green eyes. Fortunately, Hermione\'s child did not look like a cat. He had bushy black hair and turquoise eyes.

A few hours after Devonna and Draco returned with their children to the Hobbit castle in Ireland, there was a knock at the door. Devonna opened the door and found her whole crew standing in the rain.

\"Can we live your castle?\" asked Katherine.

\"What castle?\" said Devonna.

\"This castle,\" said Katherine.

\"This isn\'t a castle,\" replied Devonna.

\"Okay, well, sorry to bother you,\" Katherine said as the crew turned to leave.

Just as Devonna was closing the door, Katherine said, \"Wait a minute. If that\'s not a castle, then what is it?\"

\"A palace,\" answered Devonna.

\"Oh, okay,\" Katherine said.

\"Well, can we live in your palace?\" Hermione questioned.

\"What palace?\" said Devonna.

\"Get the fuck out of our way!\" commanded Voldemort, pushing Devonna to the floor.

\"Welcome to my home,\" Devonna muttered from the floor.

Devonna showed the ten people to their room. The children slept in the nursery with Mercedes and Malachi, while everyone else slept together (but not with Devonna and Draco.) As the three couples cuddled under the blankets, they heard the distinct sounds of Devonna being horribly beaten by Draco. Thunderous thumping, Devonna\'s ear-shattering screams, Draco\'s enraged cursing, and what might have been the sound of a Hobbit being thrown down a flight of cement stairs filled the palace.

\"Maybe one of us should go down there,\" suggested Frodo.
"Yep"Yep, we should,\" said Severus.

\"Hey! Hands above the covers, Katherine!\" Hermione hissed.

\"She can do whatever she wants!\" said Severus. \"As you were, Katie.\"

A good time was had by all except Devonna that night. When Frodo found her she was speckled with bruises and drenched in blood. Draco was laying nearby, smelling of booze and unbridled rage.

\"Devonna, Queen of Hobbits,\" Frodo coaxed as he kicked at her, trying to wake her. When Frodo found that Devonna was remaining motionless he summoned the others with whom he had slept the previous night. Reluctantly, everyone joined Frodo in the main hall of the palace.

As Draco awoke, he got up and looked around the room.

\"What\'d I do?\" he questioned, seeing Devonna bloodied on the floor.

\"Nothing much,\" said Katherine, patting him on the back. \"Let\'s go have breakfast.\"

And they did. About ten minutes later, Devonna crawled into the kitchen and sas chs cheerfully as her split lip would allow her, \"Morning!\"

No one said anything for a while. Then Draco said, \"Umm...sorry about last night, Dev.\"

\"No problem, sweetie,\" Devonna replied, finally standing up to give him a hug.

After breakfast, Devonna happened upon Katherine in Megan\'s old throne room. As she walked in, she noticed that Katherine was crying and asked, \"What\'s wrong, Katie?\"

\"Devonna, Megan had a secret that only I knew. She was leading a double life as...Jack!\"

\"Jack?\" Devonna questioned.

\"Yes! Jack from Will and Grace!\" Katherine yelled.

\"NO!!!\" Devonna screamed, falling to the floor in tears. Eamon came out from the corner and bit her arm. \"I...I killed Jack? The Jack?\"

\"Yep. You sure screwed up this time!\" Katherine snapped. Minutes later, the rest of the crew walked by to see the three laying on the floor crying.

\"What\'s going on here?\" asked Severus.

\"I just told Devonna the truth about Megan,\" Katherine whimpered.

\"Why didn\'t you ever tell me the truth about Megan?\" said Severus. \"Were you having an affair with her?\"

\"Yes,\" replied Katherine. \"But that\'s not why we\'re crying.\"

\"Why then?\" coaxed Eamon.

\"Megan was secretly Jack!\" wailed Katherine. \"Jack from Will and Grace. Nobody ever knew but me.\"

\"You mean...Jack\'s...dead?\" gasped Ron in disbelief.

\"Yes!\" howled Katherine.

\"No!!\" everyone seemed to scream at once as all present burst into tears of despair. \"Not Jack!! Devonna...how could you?\"

\"I didn\'t know!\" Devonna tried to defend herself. \"If I had known...Katherine, why didn\'t you tell me?\"

\"Yeah, Katherine, why didn\'t you tell someone?\" yelled Ron, turning his rage on Katherine. \"If you hadn\'t insisted on keeping your little secret, Jack would still be with us!\"

\"It wasn\'t my place to say! Megan made me promise not to tell!\" explained Katherine.

\"Why?\" shot back Ron. \"Why could you not tell anyone? Why did the Jack thing have to be so confidential?\"

\"I don\'t fuckin\' know!\" Katherine shouted. \"But it was a secret and I know you wouldn\'t like it if I told everyone your secrets! I know a lot of secrets about all of you. Do you want me to reveal them all so nothing like this will happen again?\"

\"Fine!\" everyone retorted.o aho ahead!\"

\"Devonna\'s a masochist,\" Katherine started. \"She loves it when Draco beats her!\"

The crew gasped in shock.

\"Voldemort is a huge Celine Dion fan,\" continued Katherine. \"He sings that Titanic song in bed when he thinks we\'re all sleeping.\"

\"That was you? Oh, you have a really pretty voice,\" said Frodo to Voldemort.

\"Shut up!\" growled Voldemort.

\"Ron dyes his hair,\" revealed Katherine. \"Natural redhead my ass!\"

Ron blushed scarlet.

\"Draco keeps the French maid outfit Sev and I used to make him wear!\" laughed Katherine.

\"Well, that\'s not really a secret,\" Devonna said shyly. \"He wears it to bed all the time. I asked him not to and then he beat me again. We were both happy that night.\"

Draco nodded pleasantly in agreement.

\"Hermione once had a fling with the green teletubbie,\" Katherine announced. \"They even planned to elope!\"

\"Wow! Now that\'s kinky!\" Frodo smiled.

\"You\'d know, Frodo,\" Katherine commented. \"You\'re the one with the vegetable fetish!\"

\"Not all vegetables,\" protested Frodo. \"just carrots and cucumbers.\"

\"And Severus...\" Katherine grinned. \"There are so many secrets I could tell about you, so many dirty, filthy, dark and disturbing secrets. And that\'s why I love you.\"
For For example...\" Devonna prompted.

Harry\'s ghost threw a chair at Frodo\'s ass, knocking the Hobbit to the floor face first. Frodo screamed and cursed before lunging a Harry\'ost.ost. Of course, Frodo fell right through him and cracked his face off the floor again.ghost.

\"Did you ever see your father\'s ass?\" asked Severus.

\"No...\" Harry\'s ghost hesitated. \"But everyone knows I looked exactly like my father.\"

\"Did you ever see your ass?\" said Ron.

\"Oh, you know you still want my ass!\" said Harry\'s ghost to his ex-lover.

\"Why would he want your dead, fat ass when he gets all the Hobbit ass he wants?\" challenged Frodo, shaking his little rear end at the ghost.

Harry\'s ghost threw a chair at Frodo\'s ass, knocking the Hobbit to the floor face first. Frodo screamed and cursed before lunging a Harry\'s ghost. Of course, Frodo fell right through him and cracked his face off the floor again.

\"Hey, Voldemort,\" said Draco, \"can we call you Papa Tom?\"

\"As long as you don\'t call me Tommy,\" replied Voldemort.

\"Cool,\" said Draco. \"Katherine never let me call her Aunt Kathy. I hated living with her and her husband. They always made me sleep on the terrace.\"

\"We all slept on the terrace!\" said Katherine.

\"There wasn\'t enough room in our little bed for all three of us,\" explained Severus.

\"Yeah, right!\" yelled Draco. \"Almost every morning I\'d wake up to find you two had ditched me in the middle of the night and were sleeping in your gigantic four poster bed beneath a thick duvet on top of silk sheets.\"

\"Well, it got cold in the winter,\" said Katherine.

\"Yeah, especially when all you\'re wearing is the torn remnants of an already skimpy French maid costume!\" retorted Draco furiously.

Katherine glared at him and said, \"Severus, remember before when I wanted you to jump on Draco and abuse him in countless unmentionable ways? Do that now.\"

And he did. Devonna screamed in horror. Just as she was about to try futilely to save her husband, Katherine cracked her across the skull with an Evil Mechanical Bird she\'d snatched from Devonna\'s little brother Mike who\'d come to visit. Devonna fell clumsily to the floor as the Evil Mechanical Bird took flight and began mercilessly pecking at Katherine. Devonna looked up at her surroundings with blurred vision but she managed to pick out the unmistakable figure of the Evil Mechanical Bird and said, \"Mike? Where are you?\"

\"I\'m over here!\" called Mike from across the room where he was fist-fighting with Hene. ne.

Devonna hurried over to him awkwardly and put her arms around him as she said, \"Little brother! What are you doing here?\"

\"Oh, I was in the neighbourhood plundering villages and such, so I thought I\'d drop by,\" said Mike.

\"You didn\'t hurt any of my Hobbits, did you?\" asked Devonna.

\"Uhh...y\'know, I gotta get going,\" stammered Mike. \"Polly? C\'mon, birdie.\"

As soon as Draco had regained his strength, he grabbed a heavy, wooden chair and started chasing Devonna around the throne room. He was taking out his fury on his wife yet again.

\"This is all your fault, Katherine!\" hollered Devonna as she began chasing Katherine around the room too. \"Why did you have my Draco beaten?\"

Katherine yelled, \"Severus, you didn\'t have to do what I told you!\"

Katherine started chasing her husband around the room in the same manner.

\"Since when?\" Severus yelled back and tried to beat Draco so more by joining the chase.

\"Nobody hurts my big sister!\" screamed Mike as he jumped on Draco\'s back.

Meanwhile, Eamon was riding on the Evil Mechanical Bird. He flew around the beating circle kicking people in the head. Harry\'s ghost was tormenting Voldemort as only a dead enemy can, Hermione was trying to protect her defenseless husband, and Ron was sobbing with Frodo sitting on his lap petting his hair.

Jerry Springer made his way out of a closet, pulled a stool out of nowhere, and said, \"And now for my final thought. Nobody wins when Hobbit Queens, Dark Lords and other various Harry Potter characters come together. Some things were just not meant to happen, such as beating, cheating, and babies being left in their room for days while their parents engage in all things unholy, ranging from S and M to little demon pets to multiple marriages to cold-blooded murder. Well, except for me. I get freaks like these on my show all the time. You should see rae ratings we could get with these people!\"

Suddenly, Eamon pounced off the Evil Mechanical Bird and tore off Jerry Springer\'s head.

\"Hey! Let\'s eat Jerry\'s brain!\" called Eamon as he stood over Devonna\'s unconscious body.

And so they did.