This is the Way I Break

Author's note--And we're rockin' and rollin' along! I think you guys know what's coming up in this chapter (go read the last paragraph from the last chapter if you need a hint), so let's get right down to it. Pretty much every detail in this chapter about James and Lily came from my head; this is complete artistic license/liberty. I own nothing. I just tried to imagine what is in a normal couple's bedroom and went from there. There's one part where I cried, so get tissues ready, just in case. (It's a quick part, though, so maybe you'll just tear up and not actually cry.)

If I forgot anything, or if anyone thinks of something I did not, please, please ask! There is more explanation at the end of the chapter, so hopefully everything is okay for you! Thanks for reading, guys! Enjoy!

This is the Way I Break by Graballz

Chapter 5

Seeing Their Lives

The bedroom was as silent as the rest of the house, minus the boys’ breathing, and just as dusty. The large bed was still made, and if it weren’t for the rotted-away patches, it would have looked ready for use. They walked straight over to it, and Harry carefully trailed a finger across the dark bedspread.

“I think it used to be green,” Draco commented, and Harry flicked a glance at him. “It probably matched your mum’s eyes…your eyes.” The Gryffindor smiled faintly, though the corners of his mouth twitched.

“This is where they slept,” he said softly, eyes roaming over both of their pillows and then to the nightstands. He let go of Draco’s hand and moved around the blonde to the nearest table. Crouching, he opened the drawer gingerly and peered inside. It was rather sparse, with a round can of night creamer and a tube of hand lotion. There was a small rectangular black pouch, and Harry reached inside and pulled it out.

“Glasses?” He said in confusion, removing a thin pair of eyeglasses from the open end. They, too, were dusty; Harry held them up, but the wall was blurry when he tried to look through them. “My dad had his glasses on when he…”

“Reading glasses,” Draco pointed to the bottom of the nightstand. “I’ll bet she read when she couldn’t sleep.”

“I bet you’re right,” Harry gave Draco a bigger smile, reverently putting the glasses back into their case and setting them on the tabletop as he crouched once more. There was a stack of five books, and a lump settled in Harry’s throat as he looked at the titles and then showed them to Draco.

“Your First Wizard: What to Expect. The Baby Book: Birth to Age Two. The Littlest Wizard. Mummy’s Guide to a Magical Figure After Childbirth, and Legal Remedies for the Dark Arts,” Draco read, chuckling a little. “My guess is that she didn’t get much read on that last one after you were born. But it sounds boring enough to put you to sleep if you have insomnia.”

“I don’t remember her reading this to me,” Harry replied, holding up the faded children’s book. Aside from being almost twenty years old and grimy, it looked brand new.

“Honey, you weren’t even one,” Draco reminded him gently, running his fingers through Harry’s hair.

“I know,” he sighed, sitting on the ground beside the bed and leaning back against Draco’s legs. The blonde began massaging his scalp, trying to help. “I just…I guess I hoped that I might find SOMETHING here that would jog my memory. You know, just one little thing that I would remember from BEFORE that night…when we were a family…”

Draco nodded, choking up a bit as he crouched and wrapped his arms around Harry from behind. Harry leaned his cheek against Draco’s arm, and they sat in silence as Harry flipped through The Littlest Wizard, smiling at the pictures of the story.

When Harry closed the book and sat staring sightlessly at the back cover, Draco planted a soothing kiss to his temple. The Gryffindor half-smiled, reaching to put the books back in their place on the nightstand’s shelf. Draco stood, making room for Harry to get up as well.

“This makes this one my dad’s nightstand,” Harry murmured as he walked around the bed towards the other matching set of table and drawer. “Oh, no way!”

“What?” Draco wasn’t sure if Harry’s exclamation of disbelief was good or bad when the black haired boy opened the drawer of the nightstand. Draco peered over Harry’s shoulder, and his mouth dropped open. “Are those what I think they are?”

“Yes,” Harry replied, wrinkling his nose. He let out a groan. “My dad has condoms in his nightstand!”

“Best not to think about that,” Draco advised sagely. The blonde had been introduced to the concept of Muggle contraceptives in America, most specifically, the condom. They had experimented a time or two, just to try it, but neither Harry nor Draco particularly liked wearing one. They were clean, though, and monogamous, which were the reasons they decided not to use condoms regularly.

“Toenail clippers?” Harry reached in and pulled out a dusty piece of metal.

“Why does your father have all of these Muggle things?” Draco asked, more rhetorically and out of curiosity than anything.

“Mum probably got them for him,” Harry reminded him. “She was Muggleborn, after all.” He held the clippers to his fingernails and simulated using it, glancing at the contraption fondly before placing it back in the drawer beside the comb that made Harry think of his father’s untidy hair, the same as his own, and smile. Both of his parents were sparse with their material things, it seemed, if the empty space in their nightstands was any indication.

“I wonder if she got on his case about his hair as much as I do about yours,” Draco mused, taking his boyfriend’s smile as a good sign. Harry actually grinned at him, pausing in his exploration of his father’s belongings to press a chaste kiss to Draco’s lips.

“Probably,” Harry replied ruefully, squatting down to look at the spines of the books on the shelf below. From Bachelor to Husband to Father. If You Thought Being a Wizard was Hard, Try Being a Father, and Animagus Theory.

“He wanted to be a good father,” Draco grew solemn, grey eyes sifting over the titles of James Potter’s reading material. He tried to push away the pang he felt about his own father; Lucius had been the best parent he knew how to be, which was a far cry from saying he was the best parent. Draco knew he had meant well…at least, some of the time. The rest of the time, the blonde had known what was expected of him and had striven to be like his father, but hadn’t felt that he was truly loved, that is, until the time with Harry in Grimmauld Place took its toll.

“Yeah,” Harry agreed thickly, brushing a finger across the bottom book. He cocked his head, lifting them with both hands and setting them on the floor, running his palms over the shelf itself.

“What is it?” Draco was thoroughly confused by his boyfriend’s behavior.

“I thought I felt something…” Harry said absently, feeling the side of the shelf that was against the wall. Suddenly the entire surface lifted, revealing a hidden compartment below the shelf. Draco’s eyes widened, as did Harry’s.

“A secret hiding place?” Draco blinked as the Gryffindor carefully pried the lid off, lifting out a small white gift box.

“I thought I sensed extra magic,” Harry said, lifting the lid and gasping. Draco peered over his shoulder, gazing down into the white box that, amidst the crumbs of what used to be tissue paper, lay several emerald green hair combs trimmed with what Draco guessed were lily-white mother-of-pearls.

“Those are beautiful,” Draco breathed, trying to ignore the pureblood snob in him that was trying to estimate how much the combs would be worth.

“Why were they hidden? What’s so special about them? They don’t feel powerful or anything,” Harry stroked the smooth teeth with the pad of one finger.

“Maybe they were a gift for your mother,” Draco suggested simply, and Harry was gobsmacked once again with how interrupted his parents’ lives had been with their deaths. These combs had been sitting in this secret compartment since that night, unknown, preserved by magic and undiscovered until now; Harry’s throat closed up.

“Her birthday wasn’t until January,” Harry replied thickly, and Draco began to trail his fingers through Harry’s hair again, hoping to comfort. Harry’s hand began to shake, and he quickly put the lid back on the box. That was when he noticed the grimy white fold on the top, and he opened the attached card. “Merry Christmas, Mummy! Love, Harry and Daddy.”

Harry choked again while reading the card, breathing hard and fast, and Draco plucked the gift box out of his hands, set it gently back in the compartment, and wrapped his arms around his lover. Harry fell into the embrace gratefully, practically banging his cheekbone into Draco’s clavicle to distract himself and give his mind something else to focus on.

Draco winced but continued to stroke Harry’s hair and back, murmuring words of love. He couldn’t imagine exactly what Harry was going through, but he remembered the devastation he felt when both Lucius and Narcissa were sentenced to Azkaban, and then again when he got word that they were to receive the Kiss.

“I’m okay now,” Harry breathed, pulling out of Draco’s embrace. “I’m sorry I’m being such a bloody girl.”

“What?” Draco was baffled, and he blinked in confusion at the Gryffindor.

“I can’t go two seconds without tearing up or crying, it seems,” Harry said gruffly, disgusted with himself.

“It’s quite understandable, love,” Draco pointed out, and Harry shrugged.

“Still…” the black haired boy sighed, trailing off. He turned and walked over to his parents’ dusty dresser. Draco raised an eyebrow behind his back but merely followed him without comment. The blonde had been frustrated with his own emotions enough times that he empathized.

Harry’s mother’s makeup and various bottles of perfumes, sprays, and other products were scattered across the top of the dresser, along with what looked like James’ cologne. The Boy Who Lived smiled and pulled out the top two drawers, peeked inside, and shut them quickly, turning red.

“What?” Draco asked again, moving to open one of them.

“No!” Harry squeaked, his cheeks flushed crimson. “It’s their—” he looked around as if he suspected someone else might come along, and then glanced furtively back at Draco, whispering. “—you know, underwear.”

Draco stared incredulously for a split second and then threw his head back and laughed.

“Harry, it’s perfectly alright to say it out loud,” the blonde snickered. “You’re a grown man, and well, everyone needs underwear. Yours truly excluded, of course.” He struck a model-type pose and batted his eyelashes at his boyfriend.

“I know that,” Harry huffed, swatting at him. “And you do so wear underwear. Don’t try to pretend you don’t. It’s just that…it’s—well, it’s my PARENTS! It’s THEIR…underwear.” He still whispered the word the second time.

“So I wear underwear, but they wear underwear?” Draco raised an eyebrow as he said the word aloud the first time and whispered it the second. “That’s dumb, Harry. Let’s see,” Draco pulled one of the drawers before Harry could stop him and snatched out a pair of red silk panties. “Ugh, totally and utterly Gryffindor!”

“Draco Malfoy, put those back!” Harry exclaimed, scandalized.

“Your mother was a beautiful woman and an excellent witch, but she had absolutely NO taste in colors,” Draco told him, setting the panties back in the drawer. The Slytherin did a double take and then glanced at Harry in alarm.

“What?” It was the Gryffindor’s turn to look nervous as Draco, cheeks flushing a pastel pink, pulled out a pair of white briefs. “And those would be my dad’s—you know…”

“I got it out of the same drawer,” Draco swallowed around the lump in his throat as Harry’s face lost all color. The blonde pulled the other drawer open to reveal a mass of women’s panties, bras, and stockings. The first drawer had a couple of pairs of boxers, but mostly briefs, and that one pair of red panties.

“Maybe…maybe it somehow accidentally got into his drawer,” Harry said hopefully. Draco checked the tag of the red panties and then the tags of several of Lily’s pairs. “What are you doing?”

“Maybe she wears size medium and has ONE pair of large panties?” Draco pointed out doubtfully, trying to bite his lip and not smile.

“It’s possible,” the black haired boy shot back, almost too quickly.

“Or maybe you’re more like your father than you realized?” Draco tried to keep a straight face but burst out laughing when Harry’s mouth dropped open.

“It was ONE TIME!” He protested defensively. “Will you let that go already? And they were YOURS, might I add!”

“I’m not making fun,” Draco said through his giggles. “You looked HOT. I’m just saying that I find it amusing that your father apparently had the same…fetish.”

“I hate you,” Harry muttered as he closed the two top drawers and opened the large middle drawer. It was full of casual shirts, both masculine and feminine. He opened the bottom drawer next, revealing their pairs of Muggle jeans.

“No, you love me,” Draco tried to put his arms around Harry from behind, but the Gryffindor dodged playfully.

“I love you a lot less after that,” Harry smirked, taking a pretend swipe at the blonde, who ducked easily.

“Oh, woe is me!” Draco mock-wailed, putting his hand to his forehead in a tragic pose, and Harry tackled him, crowing triumphantly. Draco went for his wand, pulled out both, and Harry snatched them, tossing them to the floor. They sprawled onto the old carpet, instantly covered in dust, but Harry paid no mind, quickly and effectively pinning Draco to the floor and threatening to rub the grime into his hair. Draco howled and thrashed and tried to get to his wand to no avail, eventually pleading for mercy, which led to a light snogging session.

The blonde was pleased that his boyfriend was doing better. It seemed that the more they talked about James and Lily (and speculated on what their life must have been like), the less sad, depressed, and upset Harry was. Draco was only too happy to muse about the Potters, if only to keep Harry from crying, but the Slytherin was also fascinated to learn about Snape’s doomed friendship with Harry’s mum.

They talked quietly in between kisses until Harry smothered a yawn. He was still on top of Draco, but he laid his head on the blonde’s chest, nuzzling his forehead into the side of Draco’s neck. He realized that Harry was quickly falling asleep, and after careful groping, Draco finally located his wand.

The Slytherin gently rolled his lover over and Scourgified the floor area. Harry wrinkled his nose as the Cleaning Charm rippled underneath him, and Draco smiled tenderly, kissing the black haired boy’s forehead.

“I’m going to go get the bags, love,” Draco said softly, and Harry nodded. “Don’t fall asleep yet; I’ll make us a bed so it’ll be more comfortable.”

Draco hopped up and ran down the stairs, careful not to look at the pram or into the other parts of the house he and Harry hadn’t explored yet. That would come later. Since there were no Muggles around to see, or really anyone else, Draco floated the bags along behind him and set them in a corner of James and Lily’s bedroom. He located both his and Harry’s pajamas, coaxing the sleeping Gryffindor through changing his clothes while Harry laid on the floor and growled about the intrusion.

Once Draco had changed also, he Transfigured several of Harry’s shirts into a puffy, comfortable mattress in the middle of the room. Biting his lip, Draco picked out one of the silk shirts he had brought and made it into a sheet, hoping he’d be able to change it back correctly later. The blonde managed to get Harry onto the makeshift mattress, and then he turned the lights out, curling up in his boyfriend’s arms, sighing contentedly.

**********

Author's note--Okay, first things first; let's take the chapter from the beginning.

The glasses and books--I assume that Lily had reading glasses, since both James and Harry needed glasses for all times. Even though Lily never wore glasses when she was younger, don't all adults end up with reading glasses at some point or other? And the book titles in both James and Lily's nightstands are completely fictional. I'm sure there is some sort of children's book out there entitled The Littlest Wizard but I do not own it, have never read it, and in no way intend to copyright it or plagiarize or anything like that. (so don't sue)

And since we don't really know whether Lily was a 'girly-girl' or a tomboy (I assume the latter, but we don't *know* that for sure), I have no idea what lotions or anything would be in her nightstand, so I didn't put anything else in.

Plus the Potters seem like the type to be more like the Weasleys: it doesn't matter WHAT you have as long as you're with the people that you love. (Whereas the Malfoys are all about the material things and don't put so much emphasis on loving each other...)

The condoms and clippers--Don't all guys have condoms in their nightstand? Yes, I realize James was married, and NO, he would never cheat on Lily. But he's also 21...so come on...what 21 year old doesn't have condoms? Plus we have no idea if Lily was on any sort of wizarding birth control, and since she's Muggleborn, she'd know about condoms...right? (We'll pretend) and since they definitely weren't trying to get pregnant after she just had Harry, there you go.

The gift--Remember the timeframe of their murders: Baby Harry had just had his first birthday in July, and then they were killed the following October on Halloween. Since England doesn't celebrate Thanksgiving (kind of a shock to Americans who are used to celebrating it and don't think about it), the next holiday after Halloween would be Christmas, and then Lily's birthday was in January, according to her gravestone in DH and the HP Lexicon. James seems like he got more thoughtful as he got older, so why wouldn't he have gotten her a present early? (and signed the card from himself and Harry, like all fathers do.) Did Lily hide anything for James? We don't know yet, do we...

Underwear--Okay, so remember the first time you found your parents' underwear? Or talked/thought about them having sex? Remember that initial embarrassment and "oh my god I can't believe I'm talking/thinking about this" kind of a thing? Yeah, that's what Harry's going through right now because up until this point, his parents have always been these "larger than life" martyrs who died before he could remember them, but now, he is seeing them as actual people who wear underwear and have sex and stuff like that. (and of course he's embarrassed! Gryffindor...used to be slightly prudish...good thing Draco broke him of THAT!)

Red panties--Alright, hopefully this little liberty didn't stretch TOO much. I know there is no canon basis for this, but there's enough James/someone fanfic out there that hopefully you guys won't think it TOO unbelievable that James had a pair of red panties that he would wear because Lily thought they were erotic. (and keep in mind it was only SOMETIMES!!!! It's not like he wore them under everything or wore them hardcore or anything, unless you WANT him to be that way, and then sure, he did. LOL)

But the implication was that Draco (being the slightly more effeminate between himself and Harry, since he's done drag before and all) has a pair of (red? or whatever other color you want) panties that he talked Harry into trying on ONE TIME. So "like father, like son", right? And it's actually kind of sweet (in a twisted way) if you think about it, because Harry never met his father, so James couldn't have influenced him to try on panties, so it could be a Potter thing. (or else ignore me because I'm crazy and think what you will!)

Besides, haven't all guys tried on panties or women's clothing or something like that (even straight guys) just ONCE and JUST because they were curious? (I think so...and any guy who tells you he hasn't is either too embarrassed to admit the truth or flat-out lying...but maybe not...)

And lastly, it's not too creepy that they're sleeping in James and Lily's bedroom, is it? They definitely couldn't sleep in the nursery, and they haven't explored downstairs yet (that's more drama for another chapter!) but I also didn't want them to sleep in the (rotted) bed that James and Lily slept in. Since they're going to have sex at some point, I thought there might be a squick factor for having Harry and Draco fuck in Harry's dead parents' bed...and the same bed that they probably conceived Harry in, too!

Alright, hopefully I explained my reasoning satisfactorily and why things ended up the way they are! Have questions? Let's hear them! Thanks for reviewing, and thanks for reading!

thrnbrooke Thanks! Delivered!

vampirekisses Thanks! I'm glad Draco was there too. And he's still there, but don't worry, he'll have his own angsty moments where Harry will be strong for HIM too. (Just in case you were worried about Harry turning into a mushy crybaby...)

Roozette YAY, shock value! LOL j/k Thanks for the review! Hopefully you like this chapter...let me know what you think about my liberties and such! (and hopefully I didn't miss any details! *crosses fingers* Thanks!)

gorgeousbrowneyes I know, right? The nursery scene was very hard for me to write (blurry keyboard) because I could just see it in my head, and I was trying really hard to capture the right angst and feelings and everything that they were both feeling and going through. It's hard when you have a lot to describe, but the actual 'moment' itself is only a few seconds long! Thank you, though!

AND THANK YOU for commenting on his artwork!!! I know he's been really anxious for feedback, and I made him wait until I posted "Break", so he's been an absolute doll about this whole thing! So yayayayayay! Thank you so much!

tas What do you think about these bittersweet memories? As far as Harry fixing it up...well, it IS a landmark in Britain and a tribute or whatever. When Harry and Hermione were there in DH, they didn't actually go inside, and from JKR's description, it seemed like people just walk by the gate but no one actually goes inside. Except for Harry because he's the Boy Who Lived and the rules don't apply to him. But once people realize where he's staying, there might be some trouble. It would be like Lisa Marie wanting to live in Graceland (in Memphis) where now it's a museum, but it used to be Elvis Presley's house. (Unless she really does live there, but you get my drift, I think? The Potter house is sort of like a sacred spot, and people are going to be a bit scandalized if they find out that Harry is living in it, even temporarily.)

And Harry and Draco WILL be going back to America (where they live now), so will they move back to England and live there forever? Probably not, but they are here for now. Thank you so much for your review!

Mistress Nicole Awww, I still love you! *hugs* I'm sorry things are crazy for you right now, and we miss you, but I'm thinking about you, even if we don't get to talk much anymore! We should start emailing again or something lol

And as far as the angst level, yeah, you're telling me!!! I was really torn on whether I even wanted to write "Break" because it was so angsty and I wanted this series to stay light and fluffy and happy. I think I agonized about it to you over IM, and I think you were the one who told me to go ahead and write it angsty, since I was sure I could bring them out of it and make it light and fluffy again. *grin* So the angst is temporary, and you know we're all angst-whores anyway! Love ya! Thanks!