Hold Me Close

H,
I know that you are probably like everyone else in the order right now. You more than likely want to see me dead. I do not really care what the others think of me right now, but I want you to know the truth. I did what I had to do. You know of my role, as spy. I had known of Draco’s task from the beginning, and I assure you Dumbledore knew as well. Last summer, Narcissa Malfoy and Bellatrix Lestrange came to my home.

I had to keep appearances as a Death Eater, and when Narcissa asked me to perform the Unbreakable Vow with her, I could not refuse and keep my cover, especially with that vile excuse for a woman Bellatrix present. She asked me to vow to help Draco complete his task, and in his event of failure, complete it for him. I had no idea what to do, so I took the Vow, thinking it was what Dumbledore would have had me to do.

Upon speaking to Dumbledore, I found that I was correct. I so desperately wanted to devise a way to fake the death, but alas it was impossible, as Dumbledore informed me. The Vow is iron clad, and there was no way for me to escape it. I informed Dumbledore I would die in his stead, but he would not allow this, knowing that my role as spy was vital to the Order.

I had no inclination of Draco’s progress, nor did I have any idea he was devising a way to sneak the Death Eaters into the castle. Dumbledore knew I had condemned him to death by taking the Vow, and he supported that fully. I will live in guilt and regret for the rest of my days for my actions concerning Albus Dumbledore.

This however is not the purpose of this letter. I know that when last we spoke, we were not on favorable terms. I am also aware that you may view what transpired between us as a mistake. I am still deeply hurt that you chose the Weasley boy instead of me.

What happened between us should probably have never happened, but I cannot say that I regret even one second of it. I do worry that I may have taken advantage of you when I saw you crying alone in that classroom. I never intended for things to unfold as they did. One cannot change what is already done.

I refuse to believe you did not enjoy our time together even in a small measure. You would not have returned to me again the following evening, if you had not. I will never know why you chose someone who will never fully appreciate you; someone who will never view your vast potential as anything other than a roadblock for himself. I know what you are capable of, and I would never have dreamed of holding you back.

I know that by saying this next I put my life into y our hands, but if you have read this far, one would think you cared about my welfare in any measure. I would go to the ends of the earth and back for you, I hope you realize that. If you need to contact me for any reason, tie this charm to the leg of any owl. I have inserted a homing device of sorts, which will bring any owl who wears it to me. If you have anything to say to me, or even just to acknowledge the receipt of this letter, do not hesitate to send an owl.

S.

Hermione stared at the parchment for several minutes, blinking back tears. How could she tell him? How could she tell anyone? She knew there was no way to hide it, and even though she briefly considered telling Ron that the baby was his, she knew that with Severus’ dark hair and eyes, along with his well defined features, no one would ever believe the child to be Ron’s.

Hermione sat at the roll top desk that had been in her bedroom for years and, quill poised over parchment began to write.

S,
I do not regret what happened between us. Not even for one second. I chose Ronald because it was the easier route, and I do love him, though not as he loves me, I fear. I am sensible, everyone expects me to be sensible.

I fell for him, and he chose Lavender instead of me. That night when you came upon me in the empty classroom alone and crying was the night I should have given up on Ron. You seemed so uncomfortable, but your words were exactly what I wanted to hear; needed to hear.

I probably startled you when I kissed you, but no one could ever deny the electricity that rippled between us like shock waves. You kissed me back, which was something I had not anticipated. I thought for certain you would cast me away, as I felt everyone else had done, but you did not. You held me, and kissed me some more. I felt more beautiful and feminine when you made love to me than I had ever felt in my life, have ever felt in my life.

Those next few weeks were amazing, and even though I remained jealous of Ron and Lavender, even dated other boys to make him jealous, I thought of you. I could not have made him jealous of you, though I so desperately wanted to. I wanted him to see that it didn’t matter he did not want me, because you did; you. A real man, the most intelligent, powerful, sexy man I have ever known.

When I had forgotten about Ron, and looked forward instead to our countless stolen moments, he shocked me. He finally returned my attentions. I wanted you, but denying Ron when there was seemingly no one else would be insensible, and I am not insensible.

When I learned you had murdered Dumbledore, I felt betrayed; like a great hand had slapped me in the face. In the back of my mind I hoped there was a reasonable explanation, but the evidence against you was overwhelming. I am saddened that no one thought to examine Dumbledore’s belongings for some clue that would explain your actions. I have decided to return to Hogwarts to speak to Poppy Pomfrey. While I am there, I will have a look around. Perhaps something will surface, something that could serve to clear your name.

We are more alike than you might think. I too have written a long winded explanation that is simply not the reason for my letter. Yesterday I found out that I am with child.

I went to a muggle clinic, where the muggle doctor looked at the embryo and confirmed that I am two months along. This means that the child is undoubtedly yours. I know what I am to face, and I know I will most likely be facing it alone, because even though I did not cheat on Ron, the idea that I am pregnant with another man’s child will be more than he could bear, I think.

I believe that when I tell people about this, I will be alone in it. I cannot hide this much longer, and my stomach is already rounder. I am displaying other obvious symptoms as well, and I am sure it is only a matter of time before someone discovers my secret.

You do not have to reply should you wish not to. I just thought it best to let you know that you are going to be a father, because even though I could by muggle laws get an abortion, I will not.

I cannot turn my back on this child. I know it may seem foolish, but I refuse to toss it aside like it was worth no more than rubbish. What we had is worth more to me than that, and our child is worth more to me than that.

I will conceal your identity and the key to your whereabouts, and I will bear this burden alone. I do not expect anything of you, and I do not want you to feel any obligation.

I hope that wherever you are you are safe, and that this letter finds you well,

H.

Hermione finished the letter, and fingers trembling she tied it to the leg of her owl along with the charm Severus had enclosed for her to use in locating him. She hoped that the letter found him alive, wherever he may be, and she climbed onto her bed, intending to rest until her parents returned.