Devonna

The marriages had been moving along swimmingly until it was revealed that Hermione was a little pregnant. Lord Voldemort was beside himself with grief as he wondered how his beloved wife could have been so unfaithful.

\"But you knew I was sleeping with other people before we got married,\" Hermione argued early that day.

\"Yes, well, everyone said you were the top student at Hogwarts.Why didn\'t have the sense to use protection?\" said Voldemort.

\"Umm...I was too busy doing my homework...and my teachers,\" answered Hermione.

Voldemort cried, \"Aren\'t I good enough for you?\"

\"I married you, didn\'t I? What more do you want?\" exclaimed Hermione.

At that point, Voldemort had refused to talk to his young wife.

Meanwhile, Harry and \"Devil\" Devon Potter had been enjoying a wonderful sex life over the summer. When they heard news of Hermione\'s baby it got them thinking -- maybe they should start using protection. Suddenly, Devon asked, \"Harry, do you think you could be the father?\"

\"I wish I could say definitely no, but I\'ve slept with so many different people at so many different times, you can\'t expect me to keep track of it all!\" Harry replied.

\"I know just what you mean!\" muttered Devon. \"Those damn orcs!\"

Harry cocked his head, \"What was that?\"

\"Oh, never mind,\" Devon said quickly.

In the Burrow, Ron and Jennifer Weasley were writing a book about the world\'s most famous redheads. All of a sudden, Percy barged in, \"Hermione\'s gone and gotten herself pregnant!\"

Ron turned as white as a bed sheet all the way to the tip of his ears as Percy continued, \"When I was at Hogwarts we had order and respect! We didn\'t have sex...well, no, I can\'t say that. We did have sex, but no wild orgies. There was order and dignity and if someone got pregnant, we knew who the father was.\"

When Percy left Ron whimpered, \"Oh, god, I\'m too young to be a daddy! I want my daddy!\" With that, he ran to his father\'s lap and cried.

Severus and Katherine Snape were out on the terrace that day. Katherine rang her little silver bell and Draco Malfoy emerged, dressed in a French maid uniform. His face was made up with black eyeliner and rosy pink lipstick.

\"More lemonade, mistress?\" Draco offered.

\"No, thanks,\" replied Katherine. \"I just wanted to look at you in that cute little outfit.\"

\"Oh,\" blushed Draco, \"well, enjoy!\"

\"If you use it all up now, it won\'t be any fun tonight in bed,\" Severus warned. \"By the way, I would like some lemonade.\"

Draco poured the lemonade and said, \"Master, you\'ve received an urgent owl post. It\'s from Hermione.\"

\"Oh, god,\" Severus groaned, \"she isn\'t over me yet?\"

Katherine grabbed the letter out of Draco\'s hands, \"Hey, Hermione\'s pregnant! Nice job, honey.\"

\"How do you know I\'m the dad?\" said Severus.

\"Good point!\" Katherine admitted. \"Why don\'t we send a letter to all the people who were at that orgy last year?\"

\"Oh, yeah, that was good,\" commented Severus.

So they met up in the Torture Chamber one week later. Suddenly, a whole shit load of little freaky things stormed into the Torture Chamber, but the witches and wizards were armed with their wands and defeated the freaky things. One couldn\'t help but notice that the creatures were trying to capture Devon. Katherine turned to her and said, \"Devon, what the hell?\"

\"Alright, I guess I should tell you all now,\" Devon explained. \"I am Devonna Brandybuck, daughter of Bono, the Hobbit King of Ireland. Those orcs were looking for me because I\'m half Hobbit and they want Hobbit love slaves. I\'ve decided I am going on a Hobbit quest to dethrone my father and my stepmother, Queen Megan, so I may take my rightful place as Queen of Ireland.\"

\"Thanks for stealing my thunder!\" Hermione yelled. \"Bitch!

\"Could I be the king?\" asked Harry.

Devon smiled, \"Sure, sweetie, and after that you can have a fudgecicle.\"

\"Can I come too?\" questioned Katherine.

\"You can\'t leave me! We\'re newlyweds!\" Severus hissed.

\"You can keep Draco,\" said Katherine.

\"No way!\" Draco protested. \"I wanna go to Ireland!\"

Severus smacked Draco.

Ron yelled out, \"We\'ll all go!\"

Devon stared at them all and said, \"No, I\'m going alone. Don\'t you get it?\"

Voldemort nodded, \"I know and we\'re all coming with you.\"

Devon looked down in defeat. Severus smacked Draco again.

Jenna said, \"So, Dev, when are you going?\'

\"Hey, I\'m pregnant over here!\" yelled Hermione.

\"You\'ve had your moment,\" sneered Harry.

Once again, Severus smacked Draco.

\"Why do you keep doing that?\" asked Katherine.

\"I don\'t know,\" Severus shrugged. \"He\'s just there.\"

\"It\'s okay,\" Draco purred. \"I like it.\"

\"Oh, I know you do,\" Severus said as he smacked him again.

\"To answer your question, Jenna,\" said Devon, \"I\'ve just left while you were all talking.\"

\"Hmm, what d\'ya know?\" mused Draco.

\"Well, we\'d best be off,\" said someone.

They mounted their brooms and flew to the Emerald Isle. When they got there Hagrid and McGonagall were the first to land. They fought their way past angry Hobbits to the castle of King Bono and Queen Megan. Some of the Hobbits tried to bite them but Hagrid stepped on several (to Devon\'s dismay) and the rest backed off in fear.

Queen Megan and her concubine Frodo rode up on a potbelly pig. Queen Megan was a small woman with golden hair and bright blue eye shadow. She was wearing a knitted rainbow raincoat and a matching scarf.. Seeing the witches and wizards, she gasped, \"Who are you people?\"

Catching sight of Devon, Queen Megan\'s eyes lit up and she said in a syrupy voice,
\"Who might you be? I like the looks of you. Maybe I could use another concubine...\"

Frodo interrupted, \"Why can\'t I have any concubines?\"

Megan slapped him, \"You are a concubine, you idiot!\"

\"I think that at Hogwarts teachers should be able to choose a few students to be their concubines,\" suggested McGonagall.

\"Yeah,\" Hagrid agreed, \"that\'s a great idea!\"

\"Shut up, guys! You\'re ruining my quest!\" hollered Devon. Then she said to the queen, \"You\'re not even a real Hobbit, you stupid elf! Elves were never meant to rule over Hobbits. I\'m killing you and my father and then I\'ll be the Hobbit Queen of Ireland.\"

\"And while you\'re doing that, we\'ll be taking in the sights in the fabulous Irish countryside,\" sad Draco. The crew left Devon alone with Queen Megan.

\"Now then, half-breed,\" the queen said, \"since we\'re alone, how would you like to join me in tickling this pig\'s knees whole we talk?\'

\"No, thanks,\" Devon declined.

\"Fine. More pig knee for me,\" said Megan and went to tickling as the pig laughed heartily.

\"What is your name again?\" asked Queen Megan.

\"I\'m Devonna Brandybuck, daughter of Bono, son of Ono.\"

In a rage, Queen Megan jumped up and kicked Devonna in the shins, \"You\'re lying! My husband would never have a dumb child like you!\"

Devon grabbed Megan\'s earrings and said, \"Take me to my daddy or I\'ll rip your ears off.\"

Out of the blue, Queen Megan started hugging Devonna. Devonna screamed her head off in disgust. When the small figure of Bono appeared he said, \"Megan, I wish you did things like that to me in the bedroom.\"

Devonna sighed, \"I wish my friends had stayed to help me.\"

Bono replied, \"But how could they resist the beautiful scenery of my country?\"

Queen Megan tried to make the pig eat Devonna\'s butt. Megan whispered, \"Go on, piggy. Eat her butt, Keisha.\"

Devonna shrieked in horror and bit her stepmother. After that, Devonna proceeded to kill her by tearing off her ears, which were the source of her elven power. King Bono drew his sword. He was about to sever Devonna\'s Hobbit toes when Frodo sprung out from behind a tapestry. Frodo kicked Bono in the ass and the king died as he had been kicked in the ass one too many times.

With Bono\'s sword, Devonna killed the pig. She burnt the carcass and discarded the ashes. But from those ashes arose a new and better pig, a pig to rule all other pigs and so, the almighty pig left the corpse of Queen Megan to lord over all the other pigs.

Her parents vanquished, Devonna and Frodo journeyed to the Shire to visit King Pippin and Queen Merry, who were both male but it didn\'t matter because the Hobbit royalty of the Shire bestows status and titles based on how cool a Hobbit\'s name is and not the Hobbit\'s gender.

\"I have defeated my father and stepmother and their butt-eating pig,\" Devonna announced to the Shire\'s king and queen when she and her slave arrived. \"Now I\'m Queen Devonna of Ireland.\"

\"That\'s nice,\" said King Pippin.

\"Aren\'t you impressed?\" Devonna asked, a little insulted.

\"No. I killed my parents a long time ago,\" King Pippin answered.

The queen added, \"So did I.\"

\"Well, I bet a pig didn\'t nearly eat your butt!\" Devonna said in desperation.

\"A pig did eat my butt,\" King Pippin revealed.

\"Mine too!\" said the queen.

\"What are you sitting on then?\" Devonna asked curiously.

\"These are butt transplants,\" Pippin explained. \"We each have half of Samwise\'s butt.\"

\"Frodo, why don\'t you get a butt implant?\" Devonna suggested.

\"If that\'s what you want,\" Frodo accepted.

\"But all my passion went with the golden curls,\" murmured Devonna.

\"Yeah, okay, can you guys leave now?\" Queen Merry urged.

\"Fine,\" Devonna said. \"We\'re going.\"

So, they returned to Bono\'s castle in Ireland. While they were gone, Devonna\'s friends had trashed the place.

\"Why did you wreck my palace?\" Devonna gasped.

\"We got bored. You were gone a long time,\" they responded.

\"Oh, yeah, I guess we forgot about you,\" shrugged Frodo.

\"Let\'s go back to the Torture Chamber,\" said Hermione. \"It\'s so much fun when we\'re all together.\"

When the crew got back to the Torture Chamber Hermione screamed but not in pleasure. Everyone realized that Hermione\'s baby was going to be born in the same place it was conceived.

\"Hey, this looks like your cat Crookshanks,\" Voldemort said to his wife after Jenna delivered the furry half-breed.

\"I didn\'t know you could deliver babies, Jenna,\" Katherine noted.

\"Devonna used to have babies all the time in the Shire and I would deliver them. Since they were half Hobbit and half orc, we drowned the little bastards and burnt the remains,\" Jenna told the crew.

\"I think we should do the same with this thing,\" said Voldemort.

\"No!!\" Hermione squealed. \"I love it!\"

\"You don\'t even know what it is!\" argued Voldemort.

\"Love is blind,\" Hermione said meekly as she stroked her infant.

\"It is not!\" Voldemort shouted.

\"It must be-- I\'m married to you,\" said Hermione.

\"You and I both know why we\'re really married,\" said Voldemort darkly.

\"You\'re good in bed?\" Hermione guessed.

\"No!\" Voldemort yelled. \"So I could get close enough to do this!\" He grabbed a knife and slit Harry\'s throat.

\"Cool! Now I can marry Frodo without feeling guilty!\" Devonna cried gleefully.

\"Harry!!\" sobbed Ron. \"You were the only one I ever loved. My life is nothing without you in my bed. Oh, Harry, what will become of me now that you\'re gone? You always wanted to die in the Torture Chamber but not at the hands of evil, not like this...!\"

Meanwhile, Devonna was thanking Voldemort, \"Thank you, sir! I owe my happiness to you!\"

\"I aim to please,\" Voldemort replied.

\"I\'m going to make you an official lord in Ireland!\" proclaimed Devonna.

Voldemort said, \"Thanks but I\'d rather take over the universe.\"

\"Oh, no!\" moaned McGonagall. \"Without Harry, there\'s nothing to stop the Dark Lord from destroying us all.\"

\"On the bright side, Frodo and I will be together,\" smiled Devonna. \"What a grand adventure!\"