Going Through the Motions

A/N: Here\'s another chapter! Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I don\'t own Harry Potter or anything connected to it; that would be JK Rowling and Scholastic Books. So don\'t sue; I\'m broke.. heh..

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Going Through the Motions
by Squall Thrawn

Chapter 5 - When You Gotta Let It Out

The sudden silence was deafening. With sad eyes, his heart in his throat, Harry looked around at the people who, not ten minutes ago, had been laughing and joking with him. Neville, Dean, and Ron were all staring at him as if he’d grown another eye in his forehead, while Ginny merely looked shocked. The expression on Hermione’s face was unreadable, and Seamus’ jaw was hanging wide open.

“Umm… Cedric?” asked Ron, finally. He couldn’t quite meet Harry’s eyes as he said that.

“Yeah, Cedric,” said Harry in a resigned voice. Maybe he could keep this conversation brief, and then bug out. “First I thought I fancied Cho, then Cedric and Cho got together… and then, there was Cedric and me. I’m honestly not sure how it happened.”

“How... how did you feel about him?” asked Hermione in a quiet voice. Harry noticed that she didn’t sound nearly as surprised as Ron.

“I didn’t love him,” said Harry, firmly. Then he looked down at the floor. “But I did care for him. I liked him. A lot. And then I got him killed.” Harry’s worn face looked back up at Hermione, and everybody looking at his eyes could see all the pain and loss he had been bottling up. He wanted to sit down, but he was afraid of how they might react if he sat next to them. So he stood there, facing them.

“You didn’t kill him, Harry,” said Ron, surprisingly. “You-Know-Who did. It was his fault. Him and Barty Crouch Jr. You couldn’t have known what was going to happen.”

“What I still can’t get over is Harry and Cedric,” said Neville, speaking for the first time since Harry’s announcement. “I mean, I never had the slightest clue that you, um…”

“Fancied men?” Harry helped him out. “I guess I should receive an award for my acting abilities, then. I figured that if I came out to too many people, Malfoy and his cronies would find out and make my life a living hell. So I haven’t told anybody; until now, that is.” Harry sighed, as if he regretted ever saying anything.

“I already knew,” said Hermione quietly. “I’ve known for a while that you fancy boys, but I didn’t know that you were with anybody before Cho. I guess I just assumed I would have known if there had been anybody else.”

“I figured it out too, Harry,” said Ginny, smiling. “If nothing else, that helped me get over my crush on you.” Harry managed to send a slight smile back her way.

“You’ve been awfully quiet, Seamus,” said Hermione, suddenly frowning. She turned towards the sandy-haired Irish boy, as did Harry.

Seamus jumped when they called his name. He appeared to have been lost in thought. “Oh, sorry,” said Seamus, looking at Harry. “I… I really can’t put into words what I’m thinking. All I know is that, no matter what, I’m your friend. Always, Harry.” There seemed to be a peculiar emotion in the boy’s eyes as he said this, though his voice was sincere enough. Harry silently made a note to ask him about that later.

“I need a little more time to process this,” said Dean Thomas slowly, putting in his two cents. He looked troubled about something.

“I think we all need a little time to process this,” chimed in Ron. He finally looked Harry in the eye. “Harry, you’re my best friend, and no matter what, I’ll stand by you. I won’t spread any rumors, or tell anybody your secret.” Ron looked down again. “It’s just awkward right now; it’s like I don’t really know you.” A pained expression spread across his face. “Please don’t be mad at me, Harry. Do you think you could stay with Neville for just one night or so?”

‘Mad at you?’ thought Harry. How could he be mad about his self-proclaimed best friend not wanting to stay in the same room as Harry? He looked at Neville, who had a similarly distressed look on his face. Dean looked even more uncomfortable and preoccupied with his own thoughts, as well.

Hermione and Ginny looked at Ron with disappointed looks, but Seamus got the first word in.

“Ron, you can sleep in here, with Dean,” said Seamus firmly, standing up and pulling on his shirt. “I’ll stay with Harry.” He glared at Ron, Neville, and Dean in turn. “Come on, Harry. Let’s leave them to ‘process this’.” Seamus put his arm around Harry’s shoulders, as Harry let the Irish boy lead him out of the room. Hermione smiled as the two of them left; her smile turned into a scowl as soon as the door closed. Ron gulped at her expression. This wasn’t going to be pretty.

As soon as Harry got to his room, he trudged over to his bed; where he sat, lost in thought. Instead of sitting on Ron’s bed, Seamus came over and sat next to Harry, with his back against the headboard of the bed.

“How are you feeling, Harry?” asked Seamus, quietly. “And please don’t give me an automatic answer; answer me honestly.”

“Honestly, Seamus? I don’t know,” said Harry, almost inaudible. “I always wanted to tell them, but at the same time, I never wanted them to find out.”

Seamus started gently rubbing Harry’s back. “Harry, please tell me what happened with Cedric.” Harry’s back stiffened. “Not about what happened at the end of the year,” amplified Seamus. “What happened between the two of you.”

“Why do you want to know?” asked Harry, suspiciously.

“Well, for starters, because I’m your friend,” Seamus said, continuing to rub Harry’s back. “But also,” Seamus faltered, and then started back up, “you need to talk to somebody about him. I can see all that pain and loss in your eyes, Harry, and it’s not good to just bottle it all up. Just tell me what you can.”

Harry started to shake his head no, but stopped. “Okay, but you cannot tell aing ing soul,” said Harry seriously. “If Hermione or Ginny want to know, and they ask, then I might tell them. But no one else.”

Seamus looked shocked. “If you don’t mind my saying so, Harry, why me and not Ron? We’ve only been close these last few days; you and Ron have been mates since first year!”

Harry shrugged. “Maybe because you’ve showed me that you cared. And the way you’ve been here for me, when I needed you.” Harry shook his head. “Ron doesn’t understand why I’ve been so depressed and apathetic, and hasn’t tried to understand. He wants me to just turn my frown upside down, and I bloody well don’t want to! It’s not as simple as that!”

Harry paused for a second to regain his composure. “You, on the other hand; you want to know what’s going on in my life, but you’re not pushing me. You’re perfectly alright with waiting until I’m ready to tell. And unlike Ron, you haven’t judged me because of my past with Cedric. I know that there’s something going on here that you haven’t told me, but you still accepted me.” Harry smiled weakly at Seamus, who grinned back at him. “So I’m entrusting you with a story that, until today, I have never told a living soul.”

“It was fourth year, and we were in the midst of the Tri-Wizard tournament. Right around the time of the Yule Ball, Cedric gave me a hint involving that golden egg we received. How to listen to it properly to get the clue necessary for the Second Task
“W
“Why did he do that?” asked Seamus. “You two were competitors, after all.”

Harry briefly smiled; as usual, it looked out of place on his gaunt, worn face. “He said it was because I gave him a heads-up on the First Task. Anyway though, the hint was really out there, so I resisted listening to Cedric’s hint; after all, he had already stolen the girl I thought I liked.”

Seamus frowned briefly when Harry talked about Cho Chang. “What was the hint, Harry?” he asked.

“He told me to take a bath, and bring the egg with me. He even gave me the password to the prefects’ private lavatory.”

“Did he come on to you there?” asked Seamus, eager for any salacious details.

“No, he didn’t,” said Harry firmly. “It was after the Second Task when that happened. He came up to me in the library and asked me why I never used the prefects’ lavatory.” Harry rolled his eyes. “Needless to say, the conversation went on from there and ended with Cedric telling me that he always noticed how I got hard when I saw him.”

“That must have been embarrassing!”

Harry grinned. “You have no idea. Anyway, for a whole week, he kept on this topic. Finally, he bullied me into letting him kiss me. I let him because I was getting tired of the fact that he was carping on about this all the time. Also, I didn’t want to accept the fact that I was a bloody poof!” Harry closed his eyes at the memory. “His lips were so soft and silky. I had expected a rough kiss, but Cedric was nothing but gentle. I‘ve never seen anybody going after someone the way he did for me, but somehow it worked.” Harry opened his eyes and sighed. “From then on, I couldn’t get enough of him. Sometimes we’d meet in an unused classroom, other times it was outside near the Whomping Willow.” Harry smiled at a sudden memory. “Once, we both went to the prefects’ lavatory… and had a three hour long bath. That was the only time we ever saw each other in the buff; we had decided to take it slow, since we weren’t actually dating. Cedric never asked me to be his boyfriend; he said that that was something that had to come from me, when I felt the time was right. And I kept holding off, because I was so new at dating guys, and dating in general.”

Harry’s smile flattened out. “The last week or so before the Third Task, we barely spoke to each other; like it or not, we were competitors, and we both wanted to win. At the end of the Task, Cedric was standing there with the cup, while I was a ways back, my leg messed up after a tussle with a huge spider. He’d won fair and square.” Harry’s voice started to break up. “But he wanted me to take it. He said I earned it, that I helped with the tasks. I tried to refuse it… but he was insistent that I take it. So I told him that we would take it together.” Harry, by this time, sounded like he was on the verge of tears. “And Cedric knew that I meant more than that when I said together. I wanted to actually date him. Then we grabbed the Tri-Wizard Cup, and…”

Harry’s voice died out. Seamus started rubbing Harry’s back in a reassuring way, as he had been doing earlier. “It’s ok, Harry,” said Seamus soothingly. “You told me more than I deserve to know. I know how hard it must be to relive all of this.”

“There’s more,” said Harry, his voice still hoarse. Tears were running down his face in rivulets by this time. “There’s more to the story. When… when we were portkeyed to the graveyard, we didn’t know what was happening… We got out our wands, a few robed people approached us, and then… I heard a high, cold voice say ‘kill the spare,’ and then Avada Kedavra.” Harry slumped down, unconsciously putting his head on Seamus’s shoulder.

Seamus knew of no words that could properly comfort Harry; everything would sound trite. So the Irish boy simply put his arm around Harry, and used the corner of his robe to dab away the tears on Harry’s face.

“It’s all my fault, Seamus,” moaned Harry. “He wouldn’t have been in that graveyard if I hadn’t insisted on him picking up the Cup with me.”

“No, it’s not,” said Seamus firmly. “Ron was right before. It was You-Know-Who’s fault, and that imposter Moody guy. You didn’t know that the Cup was a Portkey, that He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named set a trap for you.” Seamus’ voice became even sterner when he changed tacks. “And even if a little part of the blame is yours, doesn’t that mean that you have a responsibility to doing something about the ones that are chiefly responsible? I’m sure Cedric didn’t want you wasting your life mourning his death; you’ll honor his memory more by living and making sure that this sort of thing never happens again.”

Harry blinked. “I was right, what I said to Ron about you. All these years, I’ve been underestimating you.”

“Well, as long as I get props at one time or another, I’m fine with that,” said Seamus, lightening the mood. “Build me a statue, write a song about me, and we’ll call it even.”

“Thanks for listening, Seamus,” said Harry, almost sleepily. “You’re a good friend.” Harry fell silent.

Seamus sat there leaning against the headboard for a while, Harry still leaning on Seamus’s shoulder. Eventually, sounds of regular breathing coming from Harry informed the sandy-haired boy that Harry had finally fallen asleep.

Seamus gently shifted Harry off of his shoulder onto Harry’s pillow, and pulled a blanket over him. Seamus stood over Harry for a while, before giving into temptation and lightly kissed Harry on the forehead.

Getting into Ron’s bed, Seamus whispered, “Goodnight, Harry,” before putting out the light.

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“Where’s Harry?” Hermione asked Seamus, the next morning in the Great Hall. The two of them had both arrived at breakfast early, for different reasons. There were few people here, this early on a Sunday morning.

“He’s having a bit of a lie-in,” said Seamus, evasively. In truth, Harry was laying about, though he was actually under the beech tree overlooking the lake instead of his bed. Seamus had had no idea how much sleep the dark-haired boy had actually gotten; all he knew was that Harry had been awake when he himself woke up at the crack of dawn. Seamus had always been an early riser, and even a late night hadn’t prevented that. Hermione could make out a few dark circles, but other than that, he looked fine.

“Well, tell Harry when you see him that I had a bit of a talk with those three boys last night,” said Hermione, her tone serious. “I’m getting the feeling that it may not be as easy on Harry as we first thought. Ron, in particular, is having a lot of problems. Don’t be surprised if he asks you to swap with him again tonight.”

“Well, I won’t mind,” said Seamus, smiling. “Dean’s me best mate and all, but Harry matters to me too. And he needs a good friend right now.”

“Is that all it is?” asked Hermione, her eyebrows arched. “Don’t think I didn’t notice who your eyes were on when you were doing that dance of yours. And I definitely noticed the favor you did him when you picked Dare instead of Truth and allowed Harry to humiliate Ron.”

“I won’t lie to you, Hermione,” said Seamus in a low voice. “I like him, a lot. But I’m also his friend, and as his friend, I realize that a relationship could just make things more complicated for him. Plus, there’s something going on, that makes me think that he would turn down anybody who asked him.” Seamus grimaced.

“You’re probably right, but-” Hermione cut herself off as she spotted Ron making his way towards them.

“Morning, Ron,” said Seamus, more out of habit than anything.

“For the love of Merlin, Seamus, how can you stand being woken up this early?” said Ron in a grumpy tone

“What do you mean by that?”

“Your crazy roommate was up by the crack of dawn, and off to the races not too long after that,” complained Ron. “He woke me up with all his banging around.” He scowled. “He wasn’t like this when we were all in the same dormitory.”

“Yeah, I was the one that always woke up at dawn,” said Seamus with a smile. “But I tend to be much quieter.”

Ron started eating his food, while Hermione started reading from a book she had brought with her; from the looks of it, it looked like Hogwarts, A History. Seamus took the opportunity to take a look inside the small cloth bag he had secreted away in his robes. Once again, he was sneaking food off to Harry so that the shorter boy could avoid Ron, Neville, and Dean. Noting that it was filled, Seamus made his excuses and quickly left the Great Hall. He quickly made his way through the Entrance Hall and was heading towards the outside door when he heard the words Harry Potter and gay. Seamus stiffened, and turned towards where he heard that. There were two Slytherins walking past, third or fourth years from the looks of them. Seamus didn’t recognize either of them by name.

“Yeah, Pansy told me this morning,” said the first girl, a rather large girl with a double chin. “The Boy Who Lived is really The Poofter Who Lived.”

“Well, there’s a shocker,” said the other girl, a small girl with two long brown braids. “I always knew there was something funny about him. How did Draco react?”

“How do think he reacted?” The voices trailed off as the two girls made their way to the Great Hall.

Seamus forgot about dignity and ran. He needed to warn Harry before all hell broke loose.

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Harry was sitting under the same tree as he always did; the trunk of the tree was comfortable enough to lean against, and the grass was soft enough so that his bum didn’t hurt after hours of sitting here, contemplating everything. Harry scooted over a little. Yeah, there should be enough room for Seamus to sit next to him without appearing obvious. Harry smiled; that was something that had seldom happened over the course of the summer. Harry wasn’t sure how he felt about the sandy-haired Irish boy who had single-handedly turned Harry’s world ts hts head. Instead of keeping him at a distance, Harry was telling Seamus things he had never told anyone else before. Harry had never been a tactile person, and beyond allowing a hug or two from Hermione, had never allowed others to have much physical contact with him. And last night in the room they were sharing, Seamus had rubbed Harry’s back, had put his arm around him. Come to think of it, he’d fallen asleep with his head on Seamus’ shoulder.

Harry turned at the approach of footsteps, and had to bite back a sudden grin as he saw Seamus dashing towards him. Distracted by the Irish boy’s entrance, Harry didn’t even notice another person walking towards him with an amused smirk on his face.

“Are you that eager to see me?” bantered Harry. Seamus got to Harry and sat down next to him, panting heavily. Harry could feel the heat coming off of him.

“Harry, I just heard some Slytherins talking in the castle about you,” Seamus said, panting heavily.

“What are they saying?” asked Harry, feeling a bit of unease, but still not too worried. He figured that he was one of their main topics of conversation.

“They-,” Seamus was stopped suddenly when the other person stepped in front of them and they finally noticed him. A certain somebody with blonde hair. “They know about you,” he finished in a whisper.

“So, Potter,” said Malfoy, his voice at full drawl. “What’s this I hear about you?”