Proof of Life

Escaping the Shadows



They continued to stand in one spot and kiss for Merlin-knows-how-long, at first cautiously tasting each other\'s lips, and then diving into the kiss in earnest. There was a thick, heavy-bodied but not sugary sweetness to Harry\'s mouth, and Severus found it to be completely and utterly intoxicating.



He\'d forgotten that anything could taste – and feel – so good. And it did feel good: from the tip of his tongue, to somewhere deep in his belly, and everywhere in between, as if the invisible lines connecting the dots of his pleasure centers suddenly came to life.



It wasn\'t until he heard a displeased groan that Severus realized he was still holding Harry\'s wrist. He released it, and Harry\'s hand moved instantly to Severus\' shoulders, ran down along his spine and finally rested on the small of his back.



Harry mumbled something against his lips that Severus didn\'t catch, nor did he need to. In his current state, Harry seemed to be better at acting than talking: he had the presence of mind to navigate the two of them towards the couch before they ended up on the floor right where they stood.



They sat down facing each other and kissed again, although this time the kiss didn\'t last as long, because Harry appeared to be making a conscious attempt to slow things down, or collect his thoughts.



“I think we should talk...” he offered cautiously, resting his hand on Severus\' shoulder.



“Absolutely not,” Severus said firmly, leaning toward Harry until their mouths almost touched again.“Fuck first, talk later.”



Harry laughed.



-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-



Soon enough, Harry was lying on his back with Severus sitting on top of him, straddling his hips, shifting position every second, so that the friction between them was just right.



“Not too heavy on you?” Severus barely had the presence of mind to check. Panting, Harry shook his head vigorously, threw his arms around Severus and drew him into another kiss.



The sweet, heavy knot of his arousal continued to twist and grow with every movement and every thrust, and Severus groaned into Harry\'s mouth. A moment later, he felt Harry\'s fingers make their way down to his waist and fumble awkwardly with his belt in an attempt to remove it.



Elated and lightheaded, Severus was scarcely aware of himself sliding his trousers down and thrusting forward.



“There you are,” Harry whispered, sounding out of breath, and his calloused palm closed around Severus\' length.



Severus gasped quietly, as pleasure coursed through him, causing him to sit up straight. He found himself almost unable to stand it, but still wanting more of that astonishing, nearly inhuman delight that obliterated everything else in its wake. For the life of him – he hadn\'t expected this to feel this good, and come so easily to him, the waves of pure physical pleasure pushing out any lingering fears, recollections of pain, and memories of shame.



He hadn\'t expected to ever be able to make such a brilliant escape from all of that – but somehow he did. There were no more concerns, no worries, no fears, no memories – for that matter, no thoughts of any kind. Then there was nothing but movement, sharp, sweet thrusts into that welcoming hand, irregular breaths, and intermittent kisses that Harry continued to initiate every so often.



Eventually Severus sensed the hot droplets of Harry\'s release land on the front of his thighs, and felt Harry\'s hand tighten around his member, giving it one last firm squeeze.



He barely kept himself from crying out, but couldn\'t keep himself from collapsing on top of Harry, feeling exhausted as if he\'d just finished running a marathon.



A part of him had expected some sort of fallout from this rushed and hasty make-out session – a type of buyer\'s remorse, or at least the feeling of awkwardness that inevitably followed an ill-advised sexual interlude. There should have been something of the sort – but there was nothing but the warm, peaceful afterglow that didn\'t seem to even begin to dissipate. For a while, they simply rested, Severus lying on top, his nose buried in Harry\'s sweater.



Harry shifted underneath him, sighed contentedly, and slid his hands under Severus\' shirt. Severus stilled involuntarily when Harry\'s calloused fingers ran along his back, connecting with and moving over the many indentations on his skin.



His momentary freeze-up didn\'t escape Harry\'s attention.



“Sorry,” Harry mumbled sleepily. “Do they still hurt?”



“No,” he muttered wearily. “They don\'t. Nothing hurts anymore.”



Harry\'s arms tightened around him for a brief moment. Their bodies pressed close together; Severus could feel Harry\'s heartbeat.



“Want to go to bed?” Harry asked, yawning.



“Yes.”



“Can I come to bed with you?”



Severus turned his face to rub his cheek against Harry\'s worn-out sweater and face the window. It was already dark, although it was still fairly early in the evening. They hadn\'t eaten yet, but he wasn\'t hungry. Not for food, at any rate, he added mentally, and smiled.



“Fine.”



“We should probably talk, too,” Harry expressed the former sentiment cautiously.



Severus lifted himself up on an elbow and grinned.



“Potter. We fucked. We\'re going to do so again in less than five minutes. There\'s nothing to talk about.”



-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-



It was still dark when Severus woke up the following morning. Settled against his back, Harry was still asleep, snoring peacefully, his right arm wrapped around Severus, and his face tucked between Severus\' shoulder-blades.



Severus moved slightly to readjust his position, and Harry shifted with him, slightly tightening the embrace.



Severus smiled. Over the first few months following his rescue, he\'d gotten used to falling asleep next to Potter now and then, and even waking up next to him, but he\'d also gotten used to feeling mildly uncertain about it – as if he were somehow overstepping the boundary of what was appropriate and welcome.



No longer. Nothing felt odd or out of place anymore, not in the slightest. Somehow, everything fit. Harry\'s breath was moist and warm between his shoulder-blades. Harry\'s palm rested against Severus\' chest, as if to contain his heartbeat. Harry\'s body was curled to conform to the outline of Severus\' back. Harry and he – just fit.



Severus reached back with his hand to stroke Harry\'s thigh. Harry, it seemed, was a light sleeper. He stirred right away, sniffled, and his stubbled chin rubbed against Severus\' back.



“Morning,” Harry muttered.



“Mmhm.”



“It\'s early.”



“Very,” Severus confirmed. “I wouldn\'t mind sleeping some more.”



“Did you at least sleep well?”



“Surprisingly, yes,” Severus replied, still running his fingers over Harry\'s thigh.



“Why surprisingly?” Harry asked at once, concerned.



“Because I was so preoccupied by last night\'s activities that I forgot to take the Dreamless Sleep potion,” Severus explained.



“Oh. But... Hey!” Not turning, Severus couldn\'t see Harry\'s face, but could hear a smile in his voice. “So just sleeping with me does the trick?”



“Yes,” Severus said dryly. “You\'re the ultimate cure for all my problems. Don\'t let it go to your head.”



Harry shifted again, and nudged Severus\' shoulder, urging him to turn around. Just as soon as he did Harry captured his mouth in a long kiss, seeming not to mind the roughness of the morning breath, or the stubble on Severus\' chin.



“Love you,” Harry mumbled against his lips. “Really, really love you.” Before Severus had a chance to respond, they were kissing again.



-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-



They spent all morning and afternoon doing nothing but that – staying in bed, kissing, making out like two sex-starved teenagers without a care in the world, and falling asleep, only to wake up a few hours later, and start over. Severus lost track of how many times he drifted off to the sensation of Harry\'s fingers sorting through his hair, or massaging his shoulders, and he lost track of how many times he woke up to being kissed. He was mildly surprised by the tenderness that seemed almost excessive at times, but he no longer knew whether this was just Harry\'s way, or whether all people did that sort of thing. Not that it mattered – for the life of him, he couldn\'t recall ever feeling so peaceful and welcome anywhere.



Eventually, they made it out into the kitchen, and Severus sat down, while Harry, still wearing nothing but shorts and a tee-shirt, searched the cupboards for food. A small shiver ran down his spine when Severus realized he was sitting in the same chair that he\'d occupied on his first night here, in this house. He remembered that first night as clearly as if it were yesterday, but he could barely remember what it was like to be so intimidated and disoriented. And he could barely credit the difference in his life between then and now.



Harry seemed to sense something, because he turned around and gave him a small smile.



“Knut for your thoughts.”



“Just thinking,” Severus whispered softly. “You were right about something. Life has a way of working itself out.”



-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-



Harry departed to visit Lily in the early evening, and came back a few hours later. The moment he entered the living room, he could tell that something had changed in the short time that he was gone. Severus sat in the armchair, petting the cat on his lap absently, and appearing to be deep in thought. There was a sharp frown crossing his forehead, and he no longer looked as peaceful and relaxed as earlier today – as if leaving him alone, even for a short while, simply gave him an opportunity to brood.



“What\'s wrong?” Harry asked without preliminaries.



“Nothing,” Severus said quickly. “But I\'ve been thinking – maybe we should stop now.”



“Oh. You didn\'t like what we were doing?” Harry clarified, trying to keep his voice as normal as possible, and trying not to look too obviously bothered by the fact that Severus was trying to break up with him not even twenty-four hours into the budding relationship.



“Of course I liked it. That\'s not the point.”



“What is the point then?” Harry demanded.



“If this were not to work out, sharing living space afterwards could become extremely awkward. I\'d like to avoid that.”



“I suppose it might get awkward, sure,” Harry admitted. “But... it\'s working out so far, isn\'t it?”



“We\'ve only been at it for less than a day.”



“I\'m still missing your point,” Harry insisted. “What are you saying?”



“Right now, you\'re enthusiastic, somewhat like a child who found some new toy, abandoned by someone. Playing with it. Not really knowing that the said toy might have some serious defect, and some sort of spring could pop out and jab you right in the eye.”



“Bad analogy,” Harry said with a forced grin. “You\'ve been jabbing me in the eye since we first met. I\'m used to it by now. And we\'re still talking to each other. I\'d say, it\'s a good sign.”



Severus snorted derisively, but didn\'t respond. For a long minute, Harry simply watched Severus, before finally coming up to him, and perching himself up on one of the arms of the armchair next to him. Severus pulled away at once, and Tripod jumped off his lap.



“Is that how you really think about yourself? A defective toy?” Harry asked.



“Perhaps it\'s a bad analogy,” Severus conceded, his voice guarded, “but...”



“But what?”



“Something is broken about me. I don\'t quite know what it is. I just have a feeling that one of these days, something will explode as they say. And if I\'m fortunate, it won\'t hurt anyone but myself.”



“Is that how you see yourself, then? A time-bomb of some sort?”



It seemed to take Severus a long minute to think over the Muggle expression.



“Yes. Something like that.”



Harry sighed slightly, wanting to say something, but suspecting any words of reassurance might be wasted at this point. The only thing that could change Severus\' mind was time – and plenty of it.



“Well,” Harry spoke at last, choosing his words as carefully as possible, “if you\'re really not ready to go ahead, we can call it quits, and I won\'t bother you anymore. But I really think this could work. I\'d like to give us a try.”



Another long silence hung between them. Severus sat still, with his head bowed, and the long hair obscuring his face.



Resisting the urge to reach out and move those intrusive hair strands away, Harry shut his eyes, and simply waited.



After what seemed like an eternity, he felt Severus\' hand reach for his and squeeze tightly.



“Enough of this nonsense then,” Severus said simply. “Let\'s go to bed.”



-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-



It was already late when he woke up the following morning. Harry was still sleeping soundly next to him, but the moment Severus stirred to make a move to get up, Harry\'s hand reached for him and stayed him.



“Don\'t go,” Harry whispered. “Sleep more.”



Severus turned around to face him, feeling just the smallest twinge of regret for the words said last night. All in all, he had the impression that yesterday, he had nearly committed one of the worst mistakes of his life – but by some unfathomable miracle, he hadn\'t. Harry\'s eyes opened to give him a concerned look.



“What?” Harry asked, and it almost hurt to hear the notes of wariness in his voice, as if he was still expecting Severus to change his mind any moment.



“Shh. Nothing,” Severus said.



“We\'re still okay then?” Harry checked.



“Better than,” Severus assured him, and Harry smiled, shifting closer to him.



For a few minutes they simply lay facing each other, barely touching, until finally Severus made another move to get up. This time Harry didn\'t hold him back.



He left the bedroom, and went downstairs, smiling to himself. For some reason, the thought of Harry still asleep was... heartwarming.



Once in the living room, he stopped by the window and for a while watched the rooks, hopping in their characteristic way upon the wet, multicoloured cover of autumn leaves.



For the moment, just standing there and watching was enough. He didn\'t want anything else, and he wanted nothing more. Everything fit and nothing was out of place. The lingering memory of Harry\'s touch on his shoulder was still almost tangible, and all of him was flooded with odd, unreal warmth that he wasn\'t sure he had a name for. Happiness, his mind supplied the word obligingly.



Happiness. It almost seemed like too much. But then again, what didn\'t seem like too much, after years of deprivation? Even the first drink of clean water had at one point seemed like an extraordinary indulgence. This was... just like that.



Then, a bold thought crossed his mind: maybe it was time. A happy memory, pure and untainted, he finally had it, of that he had absolutely no doubt.



He took a deep breath, pulling out his wand, and pointing it away.



“Expecto Patronum,” he said.



He fully expected it to work this time, and was mildly surprised when it didn\'t. Not even the slightest shimmer of light emerged from the tip of his wand. Whatever other spells he\'d relearned and mastered by now, this one continued to elude him for the time being.



He shrugged, and lowered his hand. A moment later, the wand slipped out of his fingers, falling to the floor. He barely noticed its departure.



When he heard Harry approach, he didn\'t turn around. By the way Harry paused in his footsteps for a brief moment Severus reckoned Harry must have worked out what\'d just happened.



“Hey,” Harry said softly, walking up to him, and standing behind him. “Sorry it didn\'t work this time.”



“It\'s all right,” Severus answered. “I don\'t care.”



Harry\'s arms wrapped around him and Severus leaned into him, letting everything go once and for all. Expectations, hesitations, disappointments, failures, away it all went, and Harry\'s touch was the only thing that remained.



Harry\'s pointy chin pressed against his shoulder.



“Maybe you just need to get used to it. Being happy I mean,” Harry said, then added. “Though I reckon it will take time.”



“Time,” Severus agreed mindlessly. “I imagine we have plenty of that.”



To be Continued...