The Death of a Soul

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I would like this opportunity to explain about the pairing in TDoaS. From the very beginning I knew that this was not going to be a typical Snarry story. It is a Harry story. It’s about love, friendship, betrayal, mental and physical cruelty, hatred, losing yourself, and then finally learning to feel again. It also has all of the people who had touched his life, and the ones who have been there for him.

And the ones who weren’t.

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Chapter Forty


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“Find something amusing, Potter?” came a familiar drawl.

Harry jumped and fell to the side, landing on his hip.

“Shit, Malfoy! You damn near gave me a heart attack!"

Draco smirked as he stood over Harry, then he raised his left eyebrow. “Well? Aren’t you going to ask me to sit down?” he asked sarcastically.

Harry snorted and gestured to the ground. “Prat,” he murmured.

“Thank you," Draco replied smugly with a playful grin.

Both sat comfortably next to each other, but what followed was a long and awkward silence.

Finally, Draco turned his head to look at Harry, and asked gently, “How are you doing?”

Harry scoffed. “How do you think I’m doing?”

“I wouldn’t have asked if I already knew,” Draco answered simply.

Harry sighed deeply, and stared at his hands lying in his lap. “Honestly," he whispered, "I don’t know.”

“But I heard you're making progress,” Draco offered.

Harry glanced sideways at Draco and scowled. “Oh, yeah, right. I’m making such progress that I still cringe when anyone touches me.”

“But...that’s understandable,” Draco said, trying to reassure him.

Harry squeezed his eyes shut and his shoulders sagged. “Malfoy,” he began slowly. “I can't...I can’t even talk about what happened to me...” he said softly and then lowered his voice considerably. “...every day.”

“Of course you don’t want to talk about it yet. You’ve gone through a lot, and you did your best to--”

Instantly, Harry’s eyes snapped open and glared at Draco. “I did what I had to do to survive,” he said coldly.

“I know,” Draco agreed. “I know. It will just take time.”

Harry clenched his jaw and shook his head. “You don’t understand. He...he...haunts my dreams. I still have nightmares about him,” he admitted, glancing away. “And I...Sometimes I can still feel him touching me.” He bowed his head to hide his embarrassment.

“Then you need to talk to someone about it if it’s affecting you this badly,” Draco suggested quietly.

Harry's head immediately shot up. “Oh right, Malfoy! And what the hell am I supposed to say? ‘Yes, I was raped by my husband on a daily basis, but I fucking enjoyed it’?” he shouted.

Draco’s lips parted briefly at Harry's surprising confession, but closed again just as fast. “P-Potter,” he began, stuttering. “It’s a natural physical reaction. Especially someone our age, and--”

“Don’t give me that shit, Malfoy!” Harry interrupted. “Don’t you think that I have already thought of that? Don’t you think I have already tried to justify that that’s all it was?” Harry yelled.

Draco frowned sadly and was silent for a moment, trying to think of something to say that would be consoling. “Potter, it doesn’t mean that you're gay if that’s what you're worried about.”

“Excuse me, but I AM gay, remember?” Harry shot back, throwing Draco's words back at him. “Isn’t that what you said? That I’m married to a man so that makes me gay?”

Draco narrowed his eyes. “I know what I said,” Draco said defensively. “But I also know that you were forced! There’s a difference!” he emphasised.

“I know that! But that still doesn’t change the fact that there were days when I wanted sex!” Before Draco had a chance to respond, Harry continued. “And it has nothing to do with the fact that I’m worried whether I’m gay or not! I don’t give a fuck about that, so I wish you’d quit bringing that crap up!”

Draco’s face went slightly pink. “Potter...”

“Don’t you get it, Malfoy? For months, it was all about him. Doing anything and everything that he wanted to do. It meant nothing to me and I felt...used.” Harry felt his cheeks burn with shame and looked down, hoping Draco wouldn’t see it. He began again, nervously wringing his hands together. “When I started to...enjoy it...I felt so humiliated. That was when I realised that he had won.” He closed his eyes and barely shook his head. “I couldn’t let him win.”

Although Harry didn’t see him, Draco nodded anyway.

Harry peered up at Draco. “That’s when I started using a potion,” he said softly.

Draco frowned. “A potion?”

Harry nodded. “And a spell. It prevented me from...” He paused briefly, and felt himself turn red again. “From feeling anything. But...but some days I didn’t use it,” he quietly finished.

“Potter, it’s not your fault,” Draco said soothingly.

“Oh, really?” Harry suddenly drawled. “So who do I blame? Snape?”

“Yes!” Draco said quickly. “I know you don’t want to hear this, but Snape was really good at fucking!” Harry scoffed. “Potter, I told you that’s what he used to do for Voldemort! It’s no wonder that you enjoyed it. And I’m positive that he probably tried everything until he had ‘won’.”

Harry sneered angrily at Draco, but he couldn’t deny that he had made a good point.

“Potter, no one is going to think less of you,” Draco said reasonably.

“Don’t you?” Harry asked, raising an eyebrow.

Draco looked at Harry, startled that he would think such a thing. “Of course not! Merlin, Potter!”

Harry bowed his head and sighed. “I just wish...I just wish that my first time...doing that...was with somebody else,” he said below a whisper, flushing slightly.

Draco frowned. “Your first time?” He tried to ignore what the word ‘that’ implied.

Harry nodded and murmured, “Yes.”

“But...But Snape wasn’t your first time,” Draco said, but then frowned and asked with a combination of shock and disbelief, “Was he?”

Harry peered over at him. “Yes,” he answered, barely nodding.

“But I thought you and--”

Harry suddenly gasped. “Who told you that?”

Draco instantly shook his head. “No one. I just thought you and...” He stopped so he wouldn’t say her name.

“What?” Harry barked. “That we were shagging all the time?” Harry accused, his voice rising.

“I don’t know!” Draco immediately said and Harry scoffed. Draco took a breath and held it before looking at Harry levelly. “Potter,” he began calmly. “You and her had been going out for a long time, and it was common knowledge that the two of you were going to get married--”

“So that automatically means that we were?” Harry demanded to know. “And I supposed everyone thinks that as well,” he said, sneering.

Draco sighed dejectedly. “I don’t know,” he said and this time Harry growled. “Look, Potter, the point I was trying to make was...” Draco stopped and took a deep breath and tried again. “I guess I’d just hoped that you had experienced your first time with someone else, that’s all.”

“Not that it’s any of your business, Malfoy, but Ginny and I did.” He looked away and murmured, “Once.”

“Once?” Draco asked, confused.

Harry glared at him. “Yes, once,” he snapped, and then, unknowing why, Harry clarified. “The reason I considered it my first time with Snape is because it was the first time I had anal sex. And before you act all offended and think that I’m worried about being gay or some shit like that, it’s because I consider sex with a man different than sex with a girl!”

Draco nodded his understanding. “No offense taken.” He paused for a moment, then asked softly, “So you and her...only once?”

“We were waiting, all right?” Harry spat, suddenly annoyed. “We wanted it to be special. We wanted...” Harry’s words seemed to have got caught in his throat, and he turned away. He shifted uncomfortably. “It wasn’t about sex with us. It was about...love,” he finished.

Harry reached up to wipe off a tear that had fallen with the back of his hand. Staring out into the distance, he said, “I know that may sound old-fashioned to you, but we had already given each other our heart and soul, and the wedding night was going to be when we...when we...” Harry stopped and covered his face in his hand. “Sealed our love forever,” he mumbled into his palm.

“That’s not old-fashioned, Potter. A lot of people wait,” Draco said sympathetically.

Harry turned half-way to face Draco, and snorted in disbelief.

“I’m serious. My cousin waited,” Draco said, still nodding.

Harry raised a skeptical eyebrow.

“It’s true,” Draco confirmed. He looked at Harry with as much sincerity as possible. “But I don’t understand. If you two wanted to wait...Why didn’t you?”

“Snape, of course!” Harry screamed, and Draco flinched at his loud and hateful voice. “Snape had to ruin everything!” he cried.

Draco gasped. “Snape made you?”

“Don’t be daft, Malfoy! Of course he didn’t!” Harry snapped. “It happened the night before I found out about the Life-Debt.” Instantly, Harry became silent. He frowned sadly as he thought back on that special night.

“She...saw everything coming. She..." Harry’s voice faded. He quickly cleared his throat, and gazed into Draco’s eyes. "She knew something bad was going to happen, Malfoy. She knew.” Harry looked down at the ground. “If I had only listened to her. If only we had...” Harry choked, but then shook his head to clear it. “None of this would have happened.”

But Harry knew that that wasn’t true.

Harry glanced back over to Draco and gave a half-hearted laugh. “I guess I had experienced the one thing that made life worth living for, hadn’t I?” Harry said, recalling how Draco had once put it. Then he remembered what else Draco had said about sex and love. Immediately, Harry raised his eyebrows in an exaggerated mocking expression. “Of course, you wouldn’t know about that, would you, Malfoy? Sex is just sex to you,” he jeered.

Harry’s expression quickly changed to confusion at the cold look Draco was giving him, and for some reason, it caused a cold chill to run through him.

Draco jumped to his feet.

“Fuck you! I don’t have to justify myself to you or anyone else for that matter!” Draco yelled.

Harry stood slowly, and then crossed his arms over his chest in a somewhat challenge. “But isn’t that what you said?”

“I know what I fucking said!” Draco spat. “Yes, I have no problem with ‘just sex’, all right? But that doesn’t mean I don’t know how to love!”

Harry was tempted to raise a skeptical eyebrow, but as he examined Draco’s face more closely, he noticed how his eyes were becoming glossy. It almost seemed like Draco was ready to cry.

“I have already told you that I knew how you felt!” Draco reminded him snidely.

Harry’s brows furrowed, and frowned, feeling so stupid that he had forgot. “It was when we were in the forest,” he said, acknowledging.

Draco gave a sharp nod. “Yes,” he hissed angrily.

Harry looked at him with genuine concern. “He had...broken your heart?” he guessed.

“No! It wasn’t like that at all! He loved me as much as I loved him!” Draco yelled.

“Then what happened?” Harry asked carefully.

“None of your damn business!” Draco snapped.

Draco stormed a few feet away, and leaned on the large tree they were standing under with his arms crossed over his chest protectively. He glared up at the sky.

Harry timidly walked over to him and tried again. “Malfoy...”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Draco quipped curtly. He closed his eyes and clenched his jaw. “It was a long time ago, so just drop it,” he finished firmly, but his voice sounded distant.

But Harry didn’t want to let this go. He wanted to know what had happened to Draco that made him become so bitter about love. And he had a strange feeling that, even though Draco didn’t want to admit it, Draco also wanted to talk about what had happened.

“Who was he?” Harry asked quietly. When Draco refused to answer, Harry tried again. “Was he from here?”

Draco kept his eyes closed, but still said nothing. Harry remained silent in hopes that Draco would continue on his own. A few minutes passed.

Finally, Draco sighed, shook his head and whispered, “No. We had known each other for a long time. Our families were very close.”

“What was his name?” Harry asked softly.

Draco opened his eyes and stared into space. “Bryant.”

“Were you two in love from the beginning?”

Draco shook his head again. “No. But there was an attraction. We just didn’t know what kind until later.”

“Did your families know?”

Draco’s expression turned hard. “Oh, yes. They knew,” he answered bitterly.

“They didn’t approve?”

Draco made a low growl in the back of his throat. “His father didn’t.” He sneered at Harry. “You see, Potter, in some families, homosexuality is not acceptable. Especially within purebloods’ lineages.” Noticing a blank look on Harry’s face, Draco scoffed and clarified. “It’s assumed that a gay heir will not marry and produce a child.”

“Did your father feel the same way?” Harry asked carefully.

“Of course not,” Draco spouted. “In my family, we are raised from birth to accept our responsibility of producing an heir.”

Harry nodded solemnly. Suddenly, Draco smirked and glanced over to Harry with a mischievous grin.

“Of course that doesn’t mean we can’t have lovers.”

Harry gasped quietly, then remembered what Draco had told him:

"No sexual activities outside the marriage will be permissible unless otherwise discussed.”

“And so your father wouldn’t have minded if you took a male lover?”

Draco's grin widened. “That would be quite hypocritical of him.”

Harry’s mouth gaped. “Y-you mean he--”

Draco was still smiling, and he nodded his answer.

“Did your mother know?”

Draco shrugged. “She didn’t mind as long as she didn’t see it or hear about it.”

Harry's mouth fell open. “D-did she sleep with other men, as well?” he asked, slightly shocked.

Draco scrunched his nose. “Hardly,” he drawled. “She was completely in love with my father.”

Something about hearing that annoyed Harry. “So, your father was allowed to cheat, but not your mother?”

“Don’t be ridiculous. It’s not looked upon that way,” Draco said, scoffing. “Haven’t you ever heard of mistresses before, Potter?”

Harry thought a moment before he asked, “So...he didn’t love your mum?”

“Of course he loved her!” Draco immediately shot back defensively. He took a deep breath to calm himself because he knew Harry wasn’t trying to be insulting, and so he explained further. “Look, Potter, just because my father had lovers didn’t mean that he didn’t love my mother. He just enjoyed both sexes, and my mother understood that.” Draco paused. “The truth is that my father worships her. And...he does it frequently,” he added with a grimace.

Harry frowned at Draco's expression. “What do you mean? Because he gives her flowers or something?”

“No, it’s because I caught them one night, all right?” he snapped, visibly disgusted.

“Oh. Er...was it...awful?”

Draco looked at Harry horrified. “No, it wasn’t ‘awful’! But that isn’t something a son wants to see his parents doing, all right? Especially in MY room!”

Harry opened his mouth to laugh, but quickly covered it with his hand.

“Now, can we please drop this because I have tried for years to erase that memory!”

Harry nodded with his hand still covering his mouth. Fortunately, Draco was ignoring him. There was another lingering silence, and soon Harry's mind turned to Draco and his marriage.

“Um, Malfoy? I know you have already said it was discussed, but do you think your wife will secretly mind that you have lovers?”

Draco chuckled. “No, Potter. She won’t mind. Besides, she has no room to talk anyway.”

Harry gasped. “B-but won’t that bother you knowing that she’ll sleep with other men?”

Draco raised his brows and shook his head at Harry’s naivety. “What makes you think that they would be men?” he drawled sarcastically.

“Oh,” Harry said until it dawned on him what that implied. “Oh!”

Draco chuckled again. “So you see? It’s a perfect arrangement,” he said simply.

Harry frowned. “But won’t that make it hard to...you know...produce an heir, if you both like your own sex?”

Draco sighed heavily. “Potter,” he tsked. “Just because we have different preferences, does not mean it won’t be enjoyable.”

“You mean you’ve slept with a woman before?” Harry asked somewhat surprised.

Draco rolled his eyes. “Of course I have. One of my duties as a husband is to please my wife.”

As soon as the words left his mouth, Draco regretted it.

“Potter, I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”

Strangely, Harry wasn’t offended. He supposed it was different because it was about Draco, and it was already pre-arranged. Whereas Harry...Harry immediately stopped that train of thought.

Harry looked at Draco, and after seeing Draco's guilt on his face, he quickly wanted to ease Draco's mind.

“It’s all right, Malfoy,” Harry assured him. When Draco’s expression didn’t change, Harry tried again. “I mean it, Malfoy. It’s all right. I know it’s a different situation with you.”

Draco still looked unconvinced, but nodded anyway. Harry quickly changed the subject.

“Er, so...it’s good that your father wouldn’t have had a problem with you and Bryant.” Seeing Draco immediately wince, Harry wanted to slap himself upside the head for opening his big mouth.

Draco sneered and narrowed his eyes. “Like I said previously, my father wouldn’t have had a problem with Bryant. It was Bryant’s father who disapproved,” Draco snarled.

Harry nodded. “Um, was he afraid that Bryant would refuse to marry?” Harry asked sincerely.

Draco clenched his jaw. “No. It was because he found out about us. You see, his father never knew that Bryant was gay.”

Harry suddenly felt like an idiot. He should have known.

Draco continued, clarifying. “He demanded that we stopped ‘seeing’ each other. Bryant refused. He told his father that he would fulfill his ‘duty’, but to his father, that wasn’t the issue.”

“He just didn’t want a gay son,” Harry guessed.

“Exactly,” Draco quipped angrily.

“So what happened next?”

“I told Bryant to just humour his father, and once he was married, it would be too late for his father to do anything about it,” Draco said with a small grin.

Harry smirked. “How very Slytherin of you.”

Draco bowed his head mockingly. “Thank you.”

“So...?”

Draco tightened his jaw. “The bastard wouldn’t listen to me. He argued that his father was going to accept the fact that he had a gay son one way or another.”

“But you can’t change someone’s beliefs,” Harry stated quietly.

“I know that, but he didn’t!” Draco spat, annoyed. “Bryant was convinced that his father would listen to reason.” He looked at Harry. “You see, up until then, his father was always understanding.”

“But not about this,” Harry surmised, and Draco nodded. “So what happened then?”

Draco grunted. “I told you. Bryant wouldn’t let it go. They argued constantly,” he said, shaking his head. “Stupid prick,” he whispered, but there was a deep affection in his tone.

Draco pulled himself away from the tree and began to pace. He stopped short with his back facing Harry.

“After a couple of months...” Draco began softly. “He gave up. He was tired of fighting,” he said sadly. “He told me that he had had enough, and would do whatever his father told him.”

“So, he just gave up on...you?” Harry asked, aghast.

Draco spun around. “That’s right, Potter! And by doing so, he gave up on life and everything he stood for! Just like you did!”

Harry's face contorted defensively. “I did not!” he maintained.

“The fuck you didn’t!”

Harry gritted his teeth. He didn’t want to admit it, but he knew Draco was right.

“So what did you do?” Harry asked, changing the topic back to Bryant.

“What I always did when he gave up,” Draco said, holding up his chin with confidence. “I made him angry.”

Harry raised a curious brow. “How?”

Draco shrugged nonchalantly as he smiled. “By telling him that he was a fucking coward,” Draco said, smirking. “It was so easy to get him mad.”

Harry suddenly felt a sort of déjà vu.

“And that worked?” Harry asked, ignoring his inner feeling for the time being.

Draco chuckled and nodded. “Every time. You see, Potter, he’s a lot like you. So quick to just lay down and die,” he said with disgust showing in his voice. “But I got him to get off his arse, and act like the stubborn bastard that he was.”

Ignoring Draco’s insult and the implication towards him, Harry asked, “So what did he do? Did he go back and argue with his father again?”

Instantly, Draco’s demeanour changed. He almost looked regretful. “Yes. The stupid git immediately went straight to his father and it...” He paused to look away. “It started all over again,” he sighed. “But this time, Bryant wasn’t going to take no for an answer. He was going to give his father an ultimatum: accept Bryant and my relationship, or he was going to...” His words lingered.

“To what?” Harry persisted.

Draco looked at the sky. “I don’t know. He wouldn’t tell me.” He hugged himself and shook his head. “I should have stopped him,” he whispered to himself. “I knew that I had pushed him too far. I shouldn’t have--”

“But it wasn’t your fault, Malfoy,” Harry offered sympathetically. “You couldn't have known what Bryant was going to do.”

“Of course I knew! I had known him for twelve fucking years!” Draco screamed. “I knew the idiot would have confronted his father again!” He stopped suddenly and looked away again. “I just never thought...Merlin, he was so angry. I’ve never seen him that angry.”

Harry watched helplessly as Draco clenched his fists and lowered his head.

“If he had only listened to me,” Draco said, voice cracking. “He would have...” Draco quickly closed his mouth and tightened his jaw.

Harry took a step closer. “Malfoy,” Harry said softly. “What happened?”

Draco's head shot up. Tears were streaming down his face. Harry gasped.

“Nothing!” Draco spat. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore!” He began walking away, back up to St Mungo’s.

Harry ran after him, grabbed Draco's arm, and spun him around. “Malfoy, talk to me!”

Draco wrenched his arm away. “I don’t have to tell you shit!”

“What happened after Bryant went to see his father?” Harry insisted. “He didn’t choose his father over you, did he?”

Draco's eyes widened in rage. “No! He would have never done that!” he shouted, crying harder.

“Then what happened?”

Draco closed his eyes tightly, and turned his face away. He shook his head, refusing to speak.

Harry reached out and gripped Draco's shoulders. “Malfoy, tell me!”

Draco whipped his head back and pushed Harry away. “I never saw him again, all right? Are you happy now?” he cried.

Harry frowned. “He...he left you?” he whispered.

“Of course he didn’t, you idiot!” he screamed. “He...he...” Draco covered his face to hide his tears.

Harry gently touched Draco's shoulder, but his hand was immediately brushed off.

“Malfoy,” Harry began quietly.

Draco’s grief-filled eyes met Harry’s. “He disappeared that night!” he sobbed, tears streaming down his cheeks. “He’s...he’s gone!”

Unable to stand any longer, Draco sank to his knees, and Harry instantly sat down beside him. Hesitantly, Harry wrapped his arm around Draco’s shivering shoulders, but this time Draco didn’t push him away. Harry began rubbing his back, trying to soothe him, but it wasn’t working. Draco’s breathing was becoming more erratic.

“Malfoy, please. You’re hyperventilating. You need to calm your breathing down,” Harry whispered.

Draco shook his head. Apparently, he didn’t care.

Harry shook Draco’s shoulders playfully. “Come on. You did it for me once. Now it’s your turn.”

Harry immediately took a breath and surprisingly, Draco did as well. Harry took a few more and Draco followed.

“Wow. It really works,” Harry said with a smile.

Draco's head was still lowered but Harry heard him snort.

Harry decided to wait a few minutes before asking another question. When he thought enough time had gone by, he asked softly, “Malfoy, do you know what happened to Bryant?”

Draco inhaled sharply and stiffened, but nodded anyway. Harry waited again, wanting Draco to be the one to talk. After a long minute, Draco pulled away from Harry's enclosing arms, and peered up at him.

Although a few tears were running down his face, Draco raised an eyebrow. “Do you really want to know, Potter?”

Harry's heart fell to his stomach. He really didn’t want to know, but...he had to. Hesitantly, Harry nodded, and then asked in a shaky voice, “They found him?”

Draco sneered. “Oh, they found him, all right,” he said sarcastically, but more tears fell. “There were pieces of him scattered everywhere,” he finished, choking on his words.

Harry covered his mouth and gasped. “Noooo.”

Draco nodded, looked away, and closed his eyes. He wiped away his tears that were flowing freely now.

“His own father?” Harry whispered, unable to grasp that concept.

Again Draco nodded. He glanced at Harry. “Of course, it was never proven.”

Suddenly, Draco pulled his legs up to his chest, and hugged them tightly. “There’s more, though. His father...” Draco stopped to squeeze his legs harder and his body began to tremble. “His father left me a gift,” he choked out.

Harry's breath caught in his throat. Somehow, Harry knew that he didn’t want to hear this part of the story.

Draco was fighting to calm down, but he knew it was impossible. In a quavering voice, he whispered, “B-but my father found it first.” Draco couldn’t help but whimper as more tears fell. “I-it was lying on my bed.” His red eyes met Harry’s. “You see, it was a ‘special’ part of Bryant meant just for me,” he finished with a slight drawl.

“NO!” Harry yelled. “Oh my God, Draco! No!”

Draco nodded, closed his eyes, and lowered his head to his knees.

“I’ll fucking kill him!” Harry shouted.

Draco inhaled deeply and raised his head. There was a small, evil smile on his lips. “You’re too late.”

Harry didn’t know whether to congratulate Draco or to be shocked. “Y-you...”

Draco slowly shook his head. “It wasn’t me, if that’s what you’re thinking.”

Harry frowned before realising the obvious answer: Lucius.

“Of course that was never proven either,” Draco said with a slight smirk. “Nor was he ever found.” He arched an eyebrow. “I guess I had a loving father after all, didn’t I?”

Harry was speechless. Lucius Malfoy? Killed his own friend? Another pureblood?

Draco studied Harry's face. He could tell what Harry was thinking again.

“No matter what you might think of my father, Potter, the one thing our family has in spades is loyalty. My father was absolutely appalled at what Bryant's father did to him. Killing your own son is unforgivable.” Draco paused for a moment. “Of course, my father was more furious that his own son would have been subjected to seeing...seeing...” Draco's words lingered.

“I would have been, too!” Harry spat.

“But I wanted to see it,” Draco whispered so softly that Harry barely heard him.

“WHAT? Are you insane?” Harry shouted.

Draco flinched at Harry's booming voice. “I just wanted proof. Some sort of closure,” he said quietly.

“I hope to hell that you father refused!”

Draco flinched again, but nodded.

Harry exhaled loudly. “Thank God,” he mumbled.

Harry watched Draco as he stared out into space. He couldn’t have even imagined what it was like for Draco. Harry bit his lower lip and decided to change the subject back to happier times.

“Malfoy,” Harry began and Draco glanced over at him. “What was he like?”

Draco smiled warmly. “Stubborn. Once he had made his mind up about something, it was hard to convince him otherwise.”

Harry suddenly wondered if this was a bad decision. He didn’t want Draco to re-live this again. But fortunately, from the thoughtful look on his face, Draco was keen on continuing.

“He was also impulsive. He would immediately charge into something head first without thinking it through.” Draco shook his head with a grin. “Of course, that’s what I loved about him. He was such a fighter.” He glanced at Harry sadly. “It was so hard to see him break down like that. It wasn’t like him...” He paused. “And I didn’t like it.”

Harry frowned slightly. Even though it was obvious that Draco was getting uncomfortable now, there was something that was bothering Harry, and he wanted to know if his suspicions were correct.

“What did he look like?”

Without thinking, Draco replied, “Medium height, dark hair, dark skin, and always had a stupid grin on his face.”

Harry nodded. Yes, it was as Harry feared.

“And you made him angry every time he gave up,” Harry stated.

“Yes...” Draco drawled curiously.

“Like you did with me,” Harry stated again.

Draco frowned, not knowing where this was leading. “Well, it worked, didn’t it?”

“So that’s it, isn’t it?” Harry said shortly.

Draco raised a confused brow. “What is?”

“He sounds just like me! And that’s the reason you’re attracted to me, isn’t it? Because I remind you of Bryant?”

“No!” Draco said immediately.

Harry scoffed.

“Actually, he used to say that about you,” Draco whispered.

Harry gasped. “What?”

Draco’s heart skipped a beat when he realised that he had said that out loud. “Nothing! I said nothing!”

“Yes, you did!” Harry insisted.

“No, I didn’t!” Draco maintained. He rose to his feet, and turned like he was leaving.

“Just how long have you been attracted to me?” Harry asked softly, standing as well.

Draco spun around. “I haven’t been!”

Harry slowly shook his head, but gave Draco a warm and caring smile. “Yes, you have. For how long?”

Draco bared his teeth angrily. “It doesn’t matter! It didn’t matter then and doesn’t matter now!”

Harry frowned. “Why? Because I’m married?”

“Yes!” Draco shot back.

Harry smirked. “Not anymore, I’m not.”

Draco scowled. “It still doesn’t change anything, Potter,” he hissed. Harry opened his mouth to argue, but Draco cut him off. “Look, Potter, even though you say you don’t care if you’re gay or not, you’re not. You’re straight. You were just forced into being gay.”

“But I have...changed,” Harry said softly.

“How?” Draco asked sharply. He knew what this was about – and he dreaded it.

“I,” Harry began, and then closed his eyes as if that would somehow hide his confession. “I tried to kiss you. And...and I couldn’t stop myself from looking at you...in the shower room.”

There was an oppressive silence for a moment.

Draco smiled. “So you looked. So what? Everyone wants to look at me,” he joked.

Harry cracked an eye open. “And...” He paused to swallow. “You’re the one who...I would have wanted my first time to be with,” he confessed quietly.

“No,” Draco whispered.

Harry nodded. “Sometimes I’d close my eyes and pretend it was you.”

“Don’t say that!” Draco shouted.

“Why not?” Harry yelled back. “It's true! So why shouldn't I say it?”

“Because...because...” Draco was at a loss for words and his mind was reeling with panic.

“I’m attracted to you,” Harry maintained.

Draco was now shaking with fear. “No,” he said, shaking his head. He took a step back. “No,” he said a little louder. “No! Stop this right now!”

Harry’s brows furrowed. “What?”

Draco froze in anger. “How many times do I have to tell you? You're not gay!”

Harry opened mouth.

“Shut up, Potter! You can say it doesn’t matter all you want, but the truth is that you’re not! You even said so yourself, don’t you remember? ‘Not that kind of sex’.”

“I know what I said! But I was talking about Snape! Weren’t YOU listening?” Harry countered.

Draco ignored him. “And even if you were, I’d be just some thing you’d experiment with!”

“No, I wouldn’t!”

“Yes, you would! So stop it, all right? You’re not sexually attracted to me! You're just...you're just confused because I told you...” He turned around and crossed his arms tightly across his chest and lowered his head. “I shouldn’t have said anything,” he mumbled.

“Malfoy,” Harry whispered, trying to get Draco’s attention. “I’m not playing with you. I’m not. And I’m not confused either. I’m telling you because I thought--”

Draco spun around, fists by his sides. “Well, you thought wrong!” He clenched his teeth hard, and took several breaths to calm himself. He closed his eyes and sighed. After a moment, he opened them and looked sadly at Harry. “Potter, please leave it alone. Please. You don’t know what this is doing to me, so please, for my sake, just let it go.”

“I-I can’t...” Harry began and he took a step, closing the gap between them. He leaned down until he could feel his breath caress Draco’s face. Suddenly, a hand was on his chest, forcing him away.

"I said stop it!" Draco hollered.

Harry gasped and fell backwards, landing on his bum with his hands behind him. He looked up at Draco with hurt and rejection clearly showing on his face.

"Potter, what will happen," Draco began, and then he paused, searching for the right words. He could do this. He took a deep breath, held it for a few seconds then slowly released it. He gazed straight into Harry’s sad eyes. "Potter, what will happen when Ginny comes back, and--"

"Leave Ginny out of this!" Harry shouted.

"No!" Draco yelled back, getting angry again. "Tell me you won't go back to her, Potter! Tell me that you don't love her! What will happen then? To me?"

Harry sat there frozen, opening and closing his mouth. "I...I don't know..."

"I'll tell you what will happen! The minute she gets here, you'll be running back into your true love's arms and I'll be fucked! That's what's going to happen!"

"No," Harry whispered, shaking his head. "That's not true."

"Yes, it is and you know it!” Draco spat. “I will not be used and then cast aside!”

Harry's eyes teared up. "It wouldn't be that way..."

"Oh, really? Then just how will it be, Potter?"

Harry hung his head. "I...I want..."

"You don't know what you want!" Draco said sharply.

Harry winced. "I know I don't want to lose you," he said quietly.

Draco sat down next to Harry and sighed, "You won't. I'll always be your friend."

Harry peered over at him. "What if I want more?" he asked softly.

"Well, you can't!" Draco snapped. "You can't have us both, Potter!"

Harry’s jaw muscles tightened. “You’re a fucking hypocrite!”

Draco narrowed his eyed and frowned. “What?”

“Telling me I can’t have both, but you sure as hell were going to have both when YOU got married!”

“That’s different!” Draco shot back defensively.

Harry raised a challenging brow. “How?”

Draco snorted. “Because for one thing, I was already in love with Bryant, and we both knew that I had to get married. Whereas YOU, on the other hand, would already be in a relationship!”

"I know," Harry sneered and turned away.

Draco watched as Harry's shoulders slouched, and his back shuddered from the tears Draco knew must be falling. He scrubbed his face with his hands. He turned sideways, and gently placed his hand on Harry's arm.

"Potter," he began quietly. "You told me over and over again how much you loved Ginny. What has changed?"

Harry glanced over his shoulder. "I told you. I have," he said flatly.

"How? Because you were with a man?"

"Yes!" Harry said immediately. He looked away as he shook his head numbly. "No. It’s not that.” He stopped a moment to collect his thoughts. “What if...What if she doesn't want me now? What if...she's found somebody...someone else?"

"You don't know that," Draco said reasonably.

"Malfoy, she knew I'd be married for life. What makes you think she wouldn't have found someone already? Do you honestly think she would have waited until Snape died?"

"I would have," Draco said, just above a whisper, then gasped. "No! Stop! I shouldn't have said that!" He could feel Harry move closer towards him. He quickly forestalled Harry with a hand. “I said no!”

Harry let out a disappointed noise from deep within his throat, turned away, and ran his fingers through his hair to avoid showing Draco how much that had hurt him.

"Potter. Are you sure you're even ready? Ready to jump into another relationship? So soon? With anyone?" Draco asked gently.

Harry barely shook his head. "No. No, I'm not. But I know...I just don't want to hurt her."

Draco carefully reached out and placed his hand on Harry’s in comfort. Harry peered sideways at him, and Draco could see that he was on the verge of crying. “Hey, I know you would never do that, and I'm positive that she knows that as well."

Harry pulled back his hand away. "That's not what I meant."

Draco tilted his head and searched Harry's dark expression for some kind of silent answer.

"What if..." Harry paused to lick his lips nervously. "What if I unconsciously...you know...forget I'm with her? A woman, I mean. I'd hurt her."

Draco opened his eyes wide, absolutely appalled. "You would NEVER do that and you know it!" he shouted. “God, that is the stupidest thing I have ever heard in my life!”

Harry furrowed his brows and looked at him pleadingly. "But...what if I can't even bring myself to touch her?" He stopped to emphasise his words. "What if I'm not ready for...sex? She shouldn't have to wait. It wouldn't be fair to her, and she deserves someone better than me.” Harry closed his eyes and hung his head. “Someone who's not so...messed up."

Draco swallowed hard and tried to get his thoughts under control. Strangely, everything Harry had just said - or was trying to say – had made perfect sense to him. He felt Harry’s conflict, and desperately wanted to find the appropriate words to console him, to tell him that he understood, but he couldn't think of anything that would ease Harry’s mind. Helplessly he stared at Harry's bent head.

"Malfoy," Harry whispered, and Draco flinched when Harry touched his hand. “I’ve been meaning to thank you. You have helped me so much...More than you could possibly know.”

Draco raised an eyebrow and barely smirked. “That’s what friends are for, right?”

“More than friends,” Harry said, lowering his voice.

“Potter...” Draco warned.

“Please, let me finish,” Harry said quickly. He looked away briefly, then met Draco's eyes. “Malfoy, for months and months I had felt nothing. I just stopped caring. There was no one I could really talk to, and I felt so alone. But then you came...”

“Potter...” Draco warned again.

“Please let me finish. You...you knew what I was going through. You understood. You cared. Remember how you told me that I remind you of Bryant?”

“I shouldn’t have--”

“Well, you remind me of Ginny and how she was always there for me,” Harry whispered.

“I’m not Ginny,” Draco said flatly.

Harry nodded. “I know. And I’m not Bryant. But this isn’t about them. This is about us.”

“No, it’s not,” Draco said adamantly, but his voice trembled.

“Yes, it is,” Harry said, still nodding. “Don’t you understand? For the first time in a long time, I feel something, and it was you, Draco, that did it.”

Draco blinked in surprise at hearing his given name, and inhaled sharply. He knew where this was going and it terrified him.

Harry saw this, but he continued anyway. “You made me feel again,” he repeated. “You made me want again. Not because I have to, but because I want to. I...I finally have the desire to touch someone again,” he finished quietly.

Draco's throat went dry and he tried swallowing to quench it.

“And it’s not about sex. Or being gay. I know this now,” Harry breathed. “It has to do with a person themselves. If you care enough about someone, then gender doesn’t matter, does it?” Harry waited for a response but Draco remained silent. He leaned towards Draco – just enough to violate his personal body space. “Does it?” he asked again with a sly grin playing on his lips.

Draco quickly panicked at Harry being so close, but shook his head numbly. “N-no,” he stuttered. “But...But you don’t want this...”

“Yes, I do,” Harry replied softly. “And so do you. Draco, for months I’ve wanted to do this. Please, let me. Just let me touch you,” he said, bringing his voice down low and sultry, and then reached out to touch Draco’s face.

Draco backed away slightly, and looked at Harry with a mixture of fear and apprehension in his eyes. Instinctively, he tried to stop Harry by grabbing his hands, and frantically tried to hold them tight. But Harry only leaned closer - too close. Draco shook his head in denial. He was still trying to convince himself that Harry really didn’t want this, but the way Harry was looking at him, it was absolutely clear that he did.

When he felt Harry’s breath caress his cheek, Draco closed his eyes, and his limbs and muscles went weak involuntarily. Apparently sensing this, Harry slowly, but gently, disengaged Draco’s grip around his wrists, and then raised both of his hands to cup Draco's face with tender caution.

Instantly, Draco gasped at the unexpected touch, and his lips started to tremble. He licked them absently, and then inhaled sharply when Harry's mouth grazed over his. He could feel his heart as it pumped wildly in his chest. Suddenly, Draco lost the ability to speak. All he could do was mouth the word 'no'.

Draco quickly grabbed Harry's jumper, and whimpered as a pair of soft pliant lips pressed gently against his. When he felt Harry's tongue lick tentatively at his mouth, begging for his consent, Draco was caught between the urge to end this, or to follow his instincts and devour Harry. He moaned as more pressure was added, and unconsciously, Draco parted his lips further. For a moment, he forgot how to breathe as the first touch of Harry's tongue slid across his own. Draco couldn't stop shaking, and he knew if he was to let go of Harry's jumper, he would lose himself completely in this simple kiss.

But it wasn't a simple kiss. It held more emotions than Draco had ever experienced in his entire young life – including the ones he had shared with Bryant. In fact, Harry was placing such a powerful feeling into it that it was consuming Draco. He now realised what Harry was trying to say...

This kiss wasn’t about sex. It was about wanting. It was about feeling. And it was about...desire.

Unable to stop himself, Draco let the passion overwhelm his senses, and released one of his hands that were grasping at Harry's jumper, and wound his fingers through the back of Harry's hair. He pressed himself closer to Harry, and Harry moaned into Draco's mouth. Nothing else mattered to Draco at this moment save this kiss. The kiss that Harry had wanted and the kiss Draco had always dreamed about.

All too soon, Draco felt Harry slowly pull away, and it took every ounce of self-control not to draw Harry back to him. He kept his eyes firmly closed because he knew that if he was to open them, reality would come back, and the kiss would be over.

Regretfully, Draco untangled his fingers from Harry's hair, and then was relieved to hear a whimper coming from Harry. Obviously, Harry had felt this loss as well. Draco sighed as Harry placed his cheek against his, and hot breath coated Draco's ear.

"That was...incredible," Harry whispered, one hand still lingering on Draco's cheek, the other moving to the back of Draco's neck – almost as if he was preventing Draco from pulling away.

Draco's erratic breathing filled Harry's ear, and he waited patiently for some sort of a response from Draco. Finally, he pulled back enough to look at Draco's face, and studied his expression. Was it...regret? Did Draco not feel what had passed between them? Harry watched as one lone tear escape from Draco's closed eyes. He instinctively wiped it away with his thumb. Draco flinched slightly, and if it weren’t for Harry's hand still cupping Draco's face, he wouldn't have felt it at all. As Harry waited for Draco's eyes to open and focus properly, it suddenly became clear to him what Draco was feeling.

Draco was absolutely terrified.

Harry looked at Draco intently, then whispered, "Draco. I'm not going to hurt you. I would never hurt you. Please believe that."

Draco pulled back enough to remove himself from Harry's tender hand, and to see Harry's sincerity.

"Potter," Draco began through a raspy voice. He cleared his throat and tried to speak again without showing just how scared he really was. "Ginny...You still love her." He didn't want to hear the truth, but he needed to be brave and confront it.

As to be expected, Harry bit his lip and looked down. He nodded. "I know. I do love her. A part of me will always belong to her." He closed his eyes, not wanting to see if Draco was hurt by his words. "But then there's you and...and...I know it doesn't make any sense, but I know what I want; what I'd like to happen..." He opened his eyes and choked out, "I just don't know what to do," he confessed. Harry closed his eyes once more, and new tears fell as he let out a shaky sob. "I don’t know what to do,” he repeated quietly.

Draco instinctively pulled Harry to his chest and began stroking his hair. "Shh," he whispered. "It's all right."

Harry shook his head. "No, it's not," he mumbled into Draco's jumper. "Because I know you're right. It is too soon....But..." Harry stopped to take a breath. "I want…you...her...me...God, I'm so confused!" He bent his head and his shoulders began to shake.

Draco sighed, and continued to rub Harry's trembling back. He understood all of the conflicting emotions that were running through Harry and how it was confusing him, and Draco's own insecurities faded.

He took a deep breath, and said soothingly, "Believe it or not, I do understand what you're feeling." Harry's shaking increased and Draco hugged him tighter. "But I can't make that decision for you, Harry. Only you can." He gently pushed Harry back, and looked at him seriously. "And truthfully, I don't think you can, either. Not now anyway.”

Harry opened his mouth as if he wanted to argue, even though he knew Draco was right.

Draco smiled at him. “Just know that I will always be here for you. As your friend,” he added.

Harry shook his head. “No...”

“Friends, Potter,” he said firmly.

“But what if...”

“Well, we’ll cross that bridge when and if we come to it. All right?”

Harry suddenly panicked. "But that’s not fair. To you or to her. You shouldn’t have to wait for me.”

"I think you ought to leave that decision to me," Draco said resolutely and then he smirked. "Besides, you didn’t honestly think you could get rid of me that easily, did you, Potter?"

Harry smiled shyly. "Not even if I wanted to," he teased back. Suddenly, Harry's expression turned somber. "Ginny shouldn't have to wait either. She should just--"

"I think you need to ask her what she wants to do," Draco interrupted. He gestured with his head for Harry to turn around and look behind him.

Harry's heart skipped a beat, and his eyes widened. He barely shook his head in denial, but Draco nodded.

"Harry," a woman's voice called out from somewhere behind him.

Now Harry's heart fell to his stomach. In slow motion, he turned and held his breath, disbelieving what his eyes were seeing.

There, sitting on a bench, bundled up in a blanket from her shoulders to her feet, was Ginny.

Ginny Weasley.


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