Sacrifices Betrayals Love and Foolishness

Author: TheSiner
Title: Sacrifices Betrayals Love and Foolishness
Word Count: ~35,000
Chapters: 3/4
Genre: Romance, Drama, Hurt/Comfort
Pairing: Harry/Snape, Snape/?
Summary: Harry and Snape are forced to marry and it doesn’t really work out that well. Harry is depressed, Snape is stubborn, and everyone else is selfish. HP/SS, slash, mpreg, A/U
Setting: After The Order of The Phoenix and the Department of Mysteries. Harry has just turned sixteen.
Rating: Nothing too terrible, a bit of sex a bit of depressive themes.
Disclaimer: These characters are not my own and belong to J.K. Rowling and affiliates. I am not making any money.
Warnings: slash (duh!), OOC, A/U, non-canon, angsty, emotional, dubious consent(somewhat), male pregnancy is more than just mentioned, not beta-edited, may seem disturbing, door-mat-ish Harry, some grammar errors, no graphic sex.
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…Love…


1.

Severus is looming over Harry and Claudia, who is peacefully munching on a pink pacifier. The Potions Master is studying the little girl with an unreadable expression on his face. The boy is not sure, how it makes him feel. Partly he is relieved, because the man is finally there; the long waiting for him to show up is finally over.

Another part is angry. Almost furious, because, damn it! Harry spends about two weeks in the hospital wing and Snape shows up only now, when everything is almost over! And the things he is implying!

For a moment, the boy feels an urge to shout at the damn bastard to get out, to yell at him, that Claudia is only his and his alone and he will never let Snape see her… You can rot in Hell, you horrible bastard! We don’t need you! Claudia will be better off without you. I don’t need you! - that’s what Harry wants to shout at his husband.
But that wouldn’t be right, would it? If Snape is willing to be a better father than he is husband, Harry can’t deny him that. He can’t bear the thought of his little girl hating him one day, because Harry has taken away the chance to know her other father and he is not that petty, which a part of him wishes he were.

Maybe, if the boy had stayed at Hogwarts, he would have reacted emotionally and refused Snape without any better excuse than ‘because I can’, but he has had about half a year to think about everything, to calm down and become more reasonable.

But Harry doesn’t have to be nice, does he? No, certainly not.

“So…, how have you been? How is Malfoy doing?” The boy inquires politely. More or less. But, hey, he could have asked if they were still fucking. See, Harry is being extremely polite.

Snape looks up sharply. He is startled and doesn’t manage to hide it as well as usually. The Potions Master has not expected Harry to be so blunt.

“No, wait, I don’t really want to know,” Harry makes a face and almost can’t hold back his smirk. It is not so easy to get a reaction out of the ‘Mister Former Spy’. Bully for Harry.

Snape’s mouth sets in a hard, firm line.

But the expected sense of satisfaction doesn’t come. Instead, Harry suddenly feels tired and sick of all the games, duplicity and subtle manipulations.

He feels like being direct, not only playing at it.

“I saw you. The night before I left. With Malfoy bent over the desk in your classroom,” the boy can’t help it, the disgust he feels shows in his expression and the words scratch against his throat coming out with a raspy undertone. But it doesn’t matter. He has to say this and he wants to get over with it.

He is tired of staying quiet and trying to understand people who don’t deserve his consideration.
What Snape deserves is all the abuse Harry is capable of, because it is his fault that Harry will be carrying a mental image of Malfoy having sex with him for the rest of his life.

The boy knows that he is on the verge of sounding bitter, but doesn’t really care. He has right to feel the way he feels.

Harry’s dear husband doesn’t say anything, but the boy can feel the dark eyes scrutinizing him. Harry keeps looking at his daughter. She is his strength.

“You should have simply told me,” the boy continues, his fingertips gently running over Claudia’s dark, downy hair. It is too early to tell, whom she will take after. Except the nose, yes, there is no doubt whose that nose is.
If Snape had told Harry to go away, Harry would have.
He really doesn’t understand Snape. Did the man wanted to have them both? Him and Malfoy? That’s just disgusting. Sick.

“If you wanted to…” bollocks, it’s bloody harder than he thought it would be. “Did you have to show it in my face!”

Harry thinks that he can hear Snape’s teeth ground, even if his expression remains impassive, but when the man opens his mouth, his words are not, what he has been expecting.

“Are you telling me, that you left because of what you saw?”

Harry looks up and now he is caught in the cool, evaluating gaze.

He kind of did, didn’t he? There’s no denying that. If there were other pretences, well, they were just that, pretences.

Oh, shit, shit, shit… Harry bites his lip. He is stupid, stupid, stupid! Harry has just made perfectly clear that he cares pretty damn much about what Snape is doing and with whom.

He has admitted to being hurt by his husband’s unfaithfulness.

Poor Harry Potter. Used and then betrayed and feeling forced to run away.

But Snape doesn’t make fun of what a sentimental, silly, naïve fool Harry is.

He steps back, crosses arms over his chest and sneers at Harry.

“Ah, so I am the bad one now? You little, self-righteous… ” Snape swallows the expletive, that much is obvious. “You are a hypocrite, Potter,” Severus’ tone is somewhat mocking, but his voice so velvety soft that it slides up the boy’s spine like a secret caress leaving a trail of tingling hotness in it’s wake.

Harry grits his teeth. She hates it, that Snape can get to him like this.

“Is this, where I inquire about Mr. Weasleys health?”

Ron? Why is Snape talking about Ron now? What does he has to do with anything?

Seeing that Snape is obviously waiting for an answer, Harry repeats the question aloud. It is becoming frustrating. The havoc a short conversation with Severus Snape can wreck within Harry’s mind and soul…gha!

But then, the tightening of the man’s jaw is a telltale sign that he is also not as impassive as he wants Harry to think.

“You have impudence to ask!” Snape bellows and leans over the bed, closer to Harry. The boy can smell him from there… there is the same, spicy scent; he has never been able to name. Harry forces himself to stay in place, not to shrink back in the pillows or to lean forward, closer.

“What are you on about? And keep it down,” Harry shifts Claudia in his arms.

Snape’s lips twitch in anger, but his eyes turn towards the baby and he lowers his voice: “I saw you as well, Potter. With Weasley. Or have you already forgotten about it? Wasn’t he the only one you were professing your love to?”

Harry is more confused than ever. He has a feeling like he is missing something. What is so special about fact that Snape has seen him with Ron? And professing love? What kind of nonsense is this?

“Am I not allowed to have friends!” It is a dumb thing to say, but, yeah…

“So that what’s you call it? Whom else did you get friendly with? Be so kind, enlighten me!”

The man is furious, his dark eyes are ablaze with anger and Harry can’t fathom why he would be so angry because of him being friends with someone! That is going too far even for Snape!

“I won’t let you make a fool of me! I saw you with Weasley, I heard you telling him, how much you loved him!” Snape accuses in harsh whisper. He doesn’t yell, but the impact is about the same.

Harry closes his eyes, lets his head fall back against the headboard, and then tells Severus that it is not Harry who is making fool of anyone. Severus is the one who has made a fool of himself. A small, mirthless laugh almost escapes him, but then sticks somewhere in his neck.

“Oh, I love Ron dearly. He is my best friend. Like a brother to me. You will probably not believe me, since it is obvious that it’s all so clear to you and you know everything and nothing I can say will convince you,” Harry isn’t really sure why he wants to convince the man, it shouldn’t matter. But he has not been dishonest and he is the one who has been slighted and for some reason he wants Severus to admit that. “There hasn’t been anything like that between Ron and me. It would be impossible with him attracted only to witches. Do you understand the concept? Heterosexual. Brotherly love?”

That moment a house elf arrives with a pop and announces that little Mistress’ bottle is ready.

It reminds Harry that there are more important matters than his relationship with Severus and it seems somehow improper to have this conversation in the presence of Claudia.

“I really don’t understand you and I don’t think you have ever understood me. I don’t care if you believe me or not,” he lies.

In fact, Snape’s distrust feels like sandpaper rubbing against Harry’s very being. He has given the man everything he has. Shouldn’t he be given a benefit of doubt?

He has never done what Snape is trying to accuse him of. It makes him shudder, when Harry recalls what he saw that night in the Potions classroom. Snape and Malfoy. Could it be that Snape did it because he really thought Harry was going with Ron behind his back?

He can’t look at the other man right now. The boy keeps his eyes on Claudia’s tiny, beautiful face and her suckling, greedy mouth. He thinks her eyes are starting to change the colour from the grey she’s been born with to green. Madam Pomfrey says it happens.

He is aware that Severus is watching them for a while, and then he leaves right before Harry lifts Claudia on his shoulder to burp her.

2.

Severus knows that he has to return to the Hospital Wing the next day. But what then?

Where do they stand?

The girl is obviously his. Severus’ every cell is screaming ‘Yours!’ at him. Bone of his bone, blood of his blood.

Despite everything, Severus takes almost perverse pleasure in the fact that, no matter what, he and Potter will be forever together in their child. No matter, how incompatible they are one with another, their blood will merge perfectly in the little creature in Potter’s arms. Even if the boy will come to despise and loathe him, there will always be a part of Severus that he will never stop to treasure.

They need to discuss the situation, make arrangements. What arrangements? Severus is not completely sure.

He recalls having heard Potter say something about a house in Hogsmeade. Not a bad idea. It is close to Hogwarts and he could visit Claudia as often as he wished. Is that what Potter has on his mind? Is he going to allow Snape free access to his child?

Of course he is! Potter will not deny Severus that.

Claudia is not the issue. It seems that Potter is going to be sensible and is not going to use their daughter to hurt Severus. The boy would be too noble to blackmail Severus with his daughter.

And, so, there comes the issue. Potter. Weasley. Severus. Malfoy. Potter trying to convince him that there has been nothing between him and Weasley, that he has never lied to Severus, never cheated, never betrayed.

Of course, he would say that…

But, why? For what purpose?

Severus hates being confused about anything. But, while everything in him is screaming that Potter is nothing more than a traitorous whore, he can’t deny, that none of it is making any sense.

What sense does any of it make? Why would he deny liaison with Weasley? Why would he be so hurt by seeing Severus with Draco? Hurt enough to leave Hogwarts, to leave behind his little, annoying friends and everything he has. Why didn’t Potter just pack his trunk and returned to the Gryffindor tower, where Weasley was already waiting, ready to entertain the boy.

Cold sweat prickle at the nape of Severus’ neck. He has a feeling about this and not a good one.

He doesn’t want to… no, but he has to know.

Severus is afraid that he is going to make a fool out of himself once again, but, nevertheless, he seeks out Ron Weasley.

Strangely enough, Severus finds the redhead sitting outside in the Quidditch stands alone, deep in thought. The potions Master wouldn’t have thought that Weasley was the brooding type.

He has given the boy some thought. Severus sees Weasley as someone who is loud, boisterous, Gryffindor, good at Quidditch, easygoing, friendly, good-looking, young and popular – in one word, everything Severus is not.

Brooding does not fit the boy, or maybe it does and Severus simply doesn’t want to face this solemn version of Weasley. Reluctantly the Potions Master admits that his perceptions are often shaped by his emotions.

“Weasley,” Severus drawls. The teenager is so deep in thought that he has not even noticed that he is no longer alone.

“Sna… Professor Snape. What are you doing here?”

For a moment, Severus contemplates replying with some acidic remark, but restrains himself. This is not the time.

“I am here to talk to you, Mr. Weasley,”

“Alright. Talk then. Sir.” Weasley allows with a benevolence of a king.

Impudent. Disrespectful.

“About my husband,” it will not hurt to remind the whelp once more.

And it hits the mark, judging by darkening of Weasley’s expression. Then he looks Severus straight in the eye.

“Sure. What’s about him? You know, he didn’t tell me anything or Hermione, or anyone at all, but I know that he ran away because of something you did. He was happy, very happy despite everything and then suddenly he’s gone!”

Severus grounds his teeth together and snaps at the boy, tells him to mind his own business.

“It is my business!” Weasley snaps back, his face turning unattractively red, starting with ears. “I am his friend! Harry doesn’t have anyone closer than me! And Hermione of course. Someone has to look after him and you apparently are not. You hurt him! He doesn’t have to say, it is so obvious you did. I don’t understand why he keeps protecting you.”

“You wasn’t even there when Claudia was born,” Weasley accuses. For someone like him it would be one of the mortal sins. “Harry Fancied himself in love with you, I can’t really understand, why though.”

Ron Weasley gives Severus a look that implies that he doesn’t see, what is there to love about him. The Potions Master should give him detention with Filch for cheek, but his mind adheres to the part about Harry loving him.

Weasley doesn’t care for Severus’ opinion, he keeps going about Snape not deserving Harry and admits that he honestly hopes that his best friend has gotten over his feelings for Snape and promises to support the boy fully, when he will find someone better. Much better. As in anyone would be better than Snape.

Severus is annoyed enough to interrupt him in a very harsh manner: “Did you sleep with my husband?”

Weasley’s mouth falls open in a mildly disgusting, but satisfying fish out of water way.

“What?”

Severus lifts an eyebrow and waits; he is not going to repeat the question. He is sure that Weasley has heard him perfectly well.

“Of course not!” Wealey’s brain has finally caught up with Severus’ words. “Of course not! What kind of question is that? Where did you get the idea? Why the hell you are asking me this!?”

Then the Potions Master reminds him of the kiss he has had misfortune to witness.

“Oh, that,” the brat has decency to blush. “That was kind of… I am not sure, what it was, but nothing to get into a snit about, alright? It was on the spur of a moment, I guess. Harry was so happy; I had never seen him so full of life. Dunno, what came over me. I was happy for Harry and kind of wanted to show him how much or be a part of it or something like that.”

“By showing your tongue into his mouth,”

The redness of Weasley’s cheeks increase by a degree.

“There was no tongue! I told you already, it was not like that, not like when one kisses a girl. He is just a friend. I am not into boys at all.”

Then he gives Severus a stern look.

“Listen, there was nothing… erm… sexual about it and it was me, who kissed Harry anyway, he did nothing wrong. He’s… Harry is… no, he is not a saint, but he is not the cheating sort. Not that I would call it that if he found someone better than…”

“Detention, Weasley, with Filch and ten points from Gryffindor for disrespecting your professor,” and touching said professor’s husband.

Severus smirks; he is satisfied to hear Weasley groan behind his back as he strides away. However the smugness does not last long, it soon fades away as the realisation catches up with him.

A fool. That is exactly, what he is.

Finally, everything makes a perfect sense, but the thought painfully drumming against his forehead from inside is – what have I done…

3.

Severus goes to see Harry shortly before lunch is served in The Great Hall. He wants to be sure that the Hospital Wing is clear of Gryffindors.

Severus wants to talk to Harry, admit that his behaviour has been unacceptable, that he has erred. Severus has let his insecurities affect his judgement and thus made wrong, hasty conclusions.

Of course, he does not say anything of the sorts. Severus knows a lot of sophisticated words and has his way with them. When it comes to clever jibes and sharp retorts he is unparalleled, but those will not do.

He knows words that can make Hufflepuffs cry, words that can make Gryffindors loose their tempers and consequently house-points. He knows words that make Ravenclaws feel stupid and Slytherins ashamed.

Nevertheless, the Potions Master finds his repertoire somewhat lacking.

He greets the boy politely, but somewhat formally and approaches the crib. The baby is sleeping; Severus assumes that’s what she is mostly doing at this stage of development.

She smells funny. Severus’ keen sense of smell picks it up instantly. He hopes it is alright and there is nothing wrong with the infant. He has not been around babies much and isn’t sure. It bothers Severus. He is not used to knowing next to nothing about issues that directly concern him.

His daughter. Claudia. He likes it.

“You like, what?”

Harry asks and Severus realises that he has said the last bit aloud.

“The name you gave her. Claudia,” it really feels rather good, rolling off his tongue and Severus wants to repeat it. A noble, old name. Dignified.

“Good. That you like it, I mean, I would have asked you, but…” the boy chews on his lip and Severus has an inkling that he knows, what he does not want to say. ‘You weren’t there’. Even unsaid those words cut deep into him, maybe even deeper, because of the fact that Harry is not the one to use Severus’ wrongs against him even if it is in his right to.

Severus reaches out and touches Claudia’s cheek with one of his potion-stained fingers. That is all he dares. She is tabula rasa. What if his hand leaves a dirty imprint on her perfect, pure skin? He is undeserving.

Harry tells Severus not to worry.

“She’s just had her bottle; she’ll sleep like a log for at least a couple of hours now.”

Severus looks at the boy and Harry shyly lowers his eyes. It is incredible, they have created a child together and he is still coy around the Potions Master.
Merlin help him, but Severus wants the boy so much right now. Right there on the hospital bed. He wants to have this proper, dedicated parent Harry has become, with his legs in the air…

Severus swallows, digs nails into his palms and asks for how long they are going to stay in the Infirmary.

Harry tells him that Pomfrey wants to keep her eye on them both for another week or so and the house is not ready yet. The house? Then Severus finds out that his husband has asked Lupin to find him a house and to fix things that needs fixing so it would be liveable.

Lupin? Severus wants to snarl. Lupin? What business does Lupin have...?

But Severus keeps the emotions off his face. After all his groundless jealousy was what got them here, wasn’t it?

Therefore, he says nothing.

4.

During his stay in the Hospital Wing, under Madam Pomfrey’s watch, Harry has learned to care for the baby pretty well. He has not really felt bored yet. Claudia is always hungry or dirty. Ron and Hermione both are usually there too.

And Severus.

Since that first time, Severus comes to see Claudia every day, when he knows that no one else will be in the Hospital Wing. It is as if he doesn’t want anyone to know, that he actually is a decent man who cares about his daughter.

It is always so uncomfortable between them.

Harry keeps struggling with his incapability to hate the man. He is angry, yes, very angry, but he doesn’t hate Snape. It is bloody frustrating. Harry would like to blow up properly, to have a good screaming match with the bastard. He realises that it is something that has not happened since they have been married. It has always been one-sided with Snape doing all the yelling.

Harry has plenty to say, but the man has not given him a chance yet. He’s been so… constipated? so far. No, really, there isn’t a better word for it. He has hardly spoken to Harry besides inquiries about practical things like Harry’s living arrangements after leaving Hogwarts and so on. The boy can’t get rid of the feeling that there is something Snape wants to say, but it just isn’t coming out.

He has not asked to hold Claudia yet. Harry hasn’t tried to suggest that he should.

They are stuck in this strange stalemate and it is driving Harry mad. A part of him feels like he should do something or say anything or…

It becomes obvious that all those months away have not been enough to erase the feelings Harry has for his husband. That is so unfair. The boy wants to be aloof, detached and practical. After all that is what they, marriage was initially meant to be like. A convenience.

Now it all should be about Claudia who needs her father. But does something ever go according to the plan? Ha! That would be refreshing, wouldn’t it?

Harry can’t stop the feelings that threaten to overcome him every time Snape stalks into the Hospital Wing and looms over him and Claudia. He tries to ignore the sadness he feels every time the man closes the door behind himself.

Stupid, stupid, little boy…

Today the students are returning from Christmas holidays. Harry decides that no matter how far Remus had gotten with the house, he would be leaving in two days. He doesn’t want to become the spectacle of the school.
Thanks to the Daily Prophet, there probably isn’t anyone who doesn’t know that Harry has returned and that he has given birth. He doesn’t want to see anyone, besides, maybe Neville, Luna and a couple of other Gryffindors.

He hopes that it would somehow help with his stupid feelings, if there was some distance between him and Severus.

And Harry absolutely refuses to chance running into Draco Malfoy, the one for whom Severus has exchanged him. Maybe that is cowardly, but the boy doesn’t care, he is not going to suffer if he can avoid it to be able to call himself courageous. Harry reckons he has grown up.

Harry is standing by Claudia’s crib, his back turned towards the door. He doesn’t even turn around, when he hears the door creak open, because it is about dinnertime and that is when Severus usually visits them.

So Harry is completely unprepared when he finally looks around and finds himself face to face with Draco Malfoy. Apparently, the students have returned. The boy is not sure what to do or say. It seems pointless to ask the blonde what was that he wanted. Harry is quite sure that Malfoy wants the usual – to hurt him. What else could he be here for?

Harry’s eyes seek his wand, which is lying on the bed; close enough to call it, just in case.

“Well, well, just look who has crawled out from whatever hole he has been hiding in,” Malfoy’s sneer never fails to make Harry feel an urge to reach for his wand and hex the particular expression off his face.

Shrouded in his superiority Malfoy lets Harry know, that he wouldn’t know anything about the kind of places people like Harry are usually frequenting. Of course, not. He is, oh, so, curious.

“Are you sure that you are really a wizard, Potter?” Malfoy glances at the crib and Harry wants to prick out his eyes.

Malfoy says he would like to know what kind of lowly creatures his ancestors have fucked to turn him into such a freak. The racist prick.

At least Harry’s ancestors had not made a habit of fucking their cousins. At least not after, it stopped to be socially accepted. Hermione says it was all right long, long time ago, and before people knew that inbreeding was not such a good thing.

But it is not like Malfoy shuts up and allows Harry to point out some basic truths to him. Harry has already expected the comments about his blood, his friends, his parents and pretends not to be affected by them much, which is not exactly truth.
But adults don’t give bastards like Draco Malfoy what they want, by loosing their tempers, by allowing their insults to get to them. Harry is an adult now. He knows better than that.

“So, Severus did bugger you after all. Oh, I don’t doubt that the brat is his. We couldn’t be that lucky. The Saint Potter would never stray,” Malfoy makes it sound as if fidelity was uncouth and plebeian.
“Before I really doubted that he would touch you, after all I knew that Severus had better taste,” the implication is very clear.

“But I assume that since you were always there, in his bed, so needy and convenient… I bet you were just lying there and thinking of England while he was doing all the work. Mhm, of course. But who would stand that for long? Certainly not Severus, he is a passionate man after all.”

Malfoy’s smirk insinuates that he is intimately familiar with Snape’s passion.

Harry doesn’t speak up. He doesn’t interrupt Malfoy or try to hex him, as he should. For some reason, the boy just stands there petrified, one of his hands gripping the side of the crib. That hand is all that keeps Harry him from swaying under the impact of Malfoy’s words.

Malfoy asks if Harry is deluding himself by hoping that Severus will stay with him just because of the baby.

“Come on, Potter, Snape doesn’t even like children, everyone knows that,”

Harry knows that everything Malfoy says is meant to hurt, however that doesn’t mean that there is not a grain of truth in those words. It doesn’t make them hurt any less. Harry wonders if Malfoy is a Legilimens. He knows too well, where to hit to make it hurt the most. Has always known.

Draco Malfoy is like a Mirror of Erised that instead of your heart’s desire make you face your flaws, weaknesses and deepest fears.

“Let’s be frank, Potter. It is not fair to saddle Severus with that brat of yours. It was not fair to saddle him with you… but nothing can be done about it now. But you should realise where you are not wanted, to do the right thing and…”

Malfoy is too carried away by his own speech and the affect it is having on the other boy. Harry is standing with his eyes downcast, chewing on his lips to keep them from trembling. Malfoy is right, isn’t he? What right does he have to ask things of Severus, who had already sacrificed so much…

Both of them have forgotten that the ex-Death Eater and the former spy and the teacher, who has probably caught the most students out after the curfew in the History of Hogwarts, Severus Snape can turn up seemingly from nowhere, without making a sound.

“Draco!” The man growls through gritted teeth and becomes the centre of the attention.

Panic flits across Malfoy’s face, but the next moment it’s gone again and the blonde is as composed as ever: “Severus, how delightful…”

“Out!” The Potions Master snarls.

Malfoy splutters and tries to say something, but it is obvious from Snape’s expression that it is not a good idea.

As Harry hears the door slam, his other hand joins the first one on the side of the crib in effort to stay standing. The boy is suddenly unsteady on his feet. He is hurting that much.

“Harry,” Severus is standing very close now.

“Whatever he said has been designed to hurt you and is a lie,”

But Harry is too upset to listen. He is shaking his head. The boy knows he must stay calm; he shouldn’t let people to hurt him so. Harry knows that he must keep himself in hand for Claudia. Claudia needs him. But it hurts too much. The rejection. The…

“Harry….”

The boy turns his head towards Snape, not caring that he is exposing his red, tear-stained cheeks. Snape’s hand is lingering in the air right over Harry’s shoulder. It appears as if he wants to touch the boy, to comfort him, but doesn’t dare.

Suddenly Harry feels a surge of anger wash over him.

“How could you…! Why him? Why Malfoy? He’s ugly, ugly and disgusting and vile,” Harry thought better of Severus Snape. He would have thought that the man would see behind Malfoy’s handsome, chiselled features and aristocratic bearing. Doesn’t Severus see the ugliness in him? It is so unfair!

The hand finally descends onto the shoulder where it wants to be. The touch sends a jolt of something magic-like through Harry’s body. The intensity of it gives him a start and the hand withdraws as if burned.

“Harry,”

The boy has a sudden urge to laugh. It seems ironical that Snape has never spoken his name as many times as in last five minutes.

“No, don’t say anything; I know, I have no right to,” Harry wants Snape to go away, to leave him alone, he is too vulnerable right now, it feels like all his wounds have reopened and salt has been rubbed into them.

“You don’t have to be here,” it hurts him to say those words, but Harry is tired from fighting. “You don’t owe me anything. You have done so much for me already, you protected me and you gave me Claudia. I have no right to ask for more. I didn’t mean to use her to tie you to me or something. It’s not that I have some exclusive right to you.”

Harry wants to say that he will be alright, but that would probably be a lie and unnecessary. What does Snape care if he is not well?

A deep intake of breath. Followed by a barely audible sigh.

“Harry…” there it is again. His name from those thin, stern lips, sounding as if it was a name of some fair, fragile flower. “You are mistaken.”

Alright, that is more like it. Severus Snape telling Harry Potter that h is an idiot and he is wrong about something once again.

Then strong hands takes hold of Harry’s shoulders and turn him around, so Harry faces the man. Not the man. He can’t look Severus into eye. Harry’s gaze stops somewhere on the Potions Master’s solar plexus, counting the tiny buttons of his teacher’s robe.

“You are mistaken, Harry. I am here, because I want to be.”

“You don’t have to…”

“Shh, be quiet,” Severus commands and Harry obeys. The voice, the tone, all of it, still has a hold over him.

“I am sorry.” The words are so quiet that for a moment Harry thinks that he is hearing things.

“I have to apologize, I should have known that Draco would try something like this,” Harry feels jealous when he hears Snape call Malfoy by his given name. As ridiculous as it is.

And then he grasps the meaning of the words. Snape is apologizing. For the trouble, his lover has caused. How… How little that is! God, but Harry is a fool, isn’t he? What did he expect?

More, much more, is the answer.

“Just, go,” Harry demands. “Please, leave,” he begs. For mercy.

The boy knows that he should tell Snape that he still can visit Claudia whenever he wants to, but, the words are not coming past his lips. She will have to forgive him this time.
.
5.

Severus shuts the door behind himself. He is about to walk away. Again. The unsaid words weighing heavily upon his heart. What is it that keeps him from expressing himself with his usual sophisticated eloquence?

His pride? That had never been a commodity he had been allowed to have. At least not, out of his Potions laboratory. And there is nothing noble about misplaced pride.

Oh, he could keep looking for excuses and maybe would succeed in finding a fitting one. But they would be nothing more than that, excuses.

The fact is that nothing keeps him from telling those words, except, maybe his own cowardice.

As banal as it sounds, he has nothing to loose and everything to gain.

Severus turns around, opens the door and returns to the hospital wing.

Harry is crying on his bed. He is crying for real, the small body trembling, shoulders shaking, half sitting, half lying on the bed, face buried in his folded arms.

Severus calls out Harry’s name. The boy looks up; his face red and swollen. There is nothing pretty about crying when the tears are real.

“Didn’t you hear me! Leave me alone!” Harry cries out and Severus imagines that drops of spittle would be hitting his face now, if he were standing closer. Strangely, he would not have minded. Just for an opportunity to be that close to the boy.

“There is something I need to tell you. In fact, I feel I need to apologize to you for much more than Draco’s intrusion. You deserve to hear my explanations.”

“Why do you think I care for your explanations!”

“Because I think you do. You have admitted as much, if not in your words, then in your actions. Do not interrupt me. We can’t continue like this, assuming things about each other, hurting each other. It has to end.”

Severus steps closer. He is not going to be a coward.

“I am sorry, Harry. For ever touching Draco Malfoy. For doubting your fidelity. I saw you with We… your friend. I misinterpreted the situation and… it led to that. I am ashamed for my actions,” the boy lets out another sob and it hurts Severus to see Harry like this.

“Listen to me, please. I was very upset and I… I was afraid Harry. I couldn’t believe that someone like you could want to be with me, that you might want to stay with me. I was jealous, I was.. I am jealous of every witch or wizard you smile at. I am jealous of the ground you walk on, I am jealous of the bed you sleep in!”

The boy was looking at him with wide eyes now.

“I took Draco Malfoy to my bed only because I wanted to get back at you for an offence you never made. That time I saw you with Weasley…”

“It was nothing!”

“I know now and I regret my hastily drawn conclusions.”

“I would never…”

“I know you wouldn’t. And I shouldn’t have. I was not thinking very clearly and it was not even you, whom I doubted so much. It was I, myself. I didn’t feel deserving of your affection.”

“But…but that’s nonsense!” Harry protested.

“I am much older than you, I have never treated you kindly, I have been forced on you, and I am not a man one would call handsome or amiable even…

Harry looks like he has no idea what Severus is talking about.

“You are not that old, not by the wizarding standards and there were reasons, why you treated me as you did, besides I was forced on you as well and you the most fascinating man…” the boy flushes as he realises what he has just said and even with tear stained, swollen face, Severus finds that endearing.

“Besides you should know that it doesn’t work like that. Attraction. And everything,” the boy stumbles over the words.

“I might suspect that, yes,” Severus admits. He crosses what little distance there is between them and captures one of Harry’s hands in his. The fingers are still short and nails clipped. Severus lifts them to his lips and places a kiss on the soft fingertips.

“All I can ask is for your forgiveness. I have made my mistakes because of foolishness, not malice. I would like to have one more chance. For you, me, Claudia. I think we could try being a family.”

“Could we?” Impassiveness in Harry’s voice scares Severus.
“You did not trust me. That only proves how little you know me. Now, I don’t think I can trust you.”

Well, yes, he deserves that and more. Then the boy looks up and meets his eyes. Severus feels almost irresistible urge to smile, because while Harry’s words are harsh, his eyes speak volumes and the truth in them differs from the one coming out of his mouth. Harry wants it. He wants everything Severus has to offer. The boy has always wanted those things and Severus has really been blind, not to notice that.

“Then I want to get to know you,” doesn’t it sound good?

Harry sighs and tightens his lips in a thin line. Not so good, then.

“Harry, please. I regret deeply,” he is still holding the boy’s hand and Severus realises that he is on the brink of sounding desperate. He is pleading. But whatever. It doesn’t matter. Bugger dignity and false pride.
“I regret not being there for you. Never touching Claudia, while she was still inside you. Not being there, not holding your arm during your birthing pains. I regret not being here to take her in my arms just after she was born. I realise that I have lost those opportunities forever and I am never going to have them again. Believe me, it’s the worst punishment there could be, but of course, I will accept whatever sentence you will see fit to dole out,”

Severus pulls the small hand to his lips once again for a good measure and just because he wants it. God, but he has missed this.

The boy laughs out: “I thought that ‘doling out’ punishment was in your department.”

Is he flirting? Probably doesn’t even realize that.

Then Harry looks at Severus levelly. He does not say anything, but the message is very clear – Harry will be giving Severus his chance, but only one and he is not going to make it easy for the man.

Then Harry asks Severus would he like to hold Claudia. Severus would.

6.

Sometimes Harry hates Hogwarts. Like really, really hates the damned castle.

No one is supposed to know, that he will be leaving today. But somehow everyone does!

Harry sighs.

“Don’t fret, mate, you can be glad that at least the press is not here, you know,” Ron pats his back.

It is a bit of a cold comfort. The boy is too aware of several hundred eyes watching him from the castle windows. They make him nervous and as usually when he is nervous, Harry’s eyes seek Claudia. It is silly. She is still, where she has been since they had left the Hospital Wing.

Peacefully asleep in her father’s arms.

After getting over his initial wariness, Severus has gotten very proficient at holding the baby. Not a great surprise, if Harry thinks about it. The man is used to handling delicate potion ingredients with steady hand and there is not even once of clumsiness in him. Harry can trust the man with his precious bundle. Well, their precious bundle actually.

Severus’ has insisted that he will carry Claudia, so Harry would be able to say his goodbyes properly.

It is not as if he is leaving as in moving to another country or something, but there are still many people who want to see him off. His friends from Gryffindor, Hagrid, Madam Pomfrey. Ron and Hermione, naturally.

Some of the professors are also there, including Albus Dumbledore, who doesn’t quite approve. He has suggested that Harry stay in the Castle. The boy should not be left alone with only Dobby to help him. Well, Harry doesn’t care. He still wonders, what it is, that the Headmaster wants from him.

Maybe Hogsmeade is still too close to Hogwarts after all.

But being close to Hogwarts means being close to Severus, so house at Hogsmeade it is.

Harry shoots his husband an amused glance. Severus is trying not to glare draggers at Neville. The man hasn’t said a word, but for some reason he has decided that Neville Longbottom is his fiercest rival for Harry’s affection.

Ridiculous, of course, but as long as the man is keeping his jealousy in check, Harry is not going to say anything. Severus is trying very hard after all and it is kind of amusing.

“Harry. It’s time to go,”

By the tone of Severus’ voice Harry can tell, that the man has about had enough of Gryffindor sappiness. He is probably right and they should leave before Hagrid starts crying.

“It’s alright, mate,” Ron pulls Harry in a one-armed hug one more time. “We’ll come to visit the next weekend, right, guys?”

Harry watches Hogwarts getting smaller and smaller through the carriage window. Well, yes, he is not feeling as sad as he thought he would. He is beginning a new life and hopes that it will be happier than the one he is leaving behind.

He has a new house; he has Claudia… and Severus. Well, Harry thinks he can say that he has Severus. They are not completely together yet. But they are getting there. They are taking it slowly. With talking and having meals together, with Harry teaching Severus how to care for Claudia.

It turns out that the man can be almost pleasant if he wants to.

“Are you alright?” Severus inquires. Yes, he can be courteous as well.

“Yes, I am,” Harry replies and throws a little half-smile on the top of that, when he realises that he is telling the truth.
.
7.

There is nothing Claudia loves more than watching her Daddy and Father when they are together. She pretends to be playing with her doll, because she doesn’t want to bother them. Claudia knows that if her parents will notice her looking at them, they will want to include her. Most likely Father will come, pick her up and carry over to the sofa. He will sit her on his lap and Daddy will shift closer and start asking her about the playgroup or Wendelin, her doll or tell her stories.

Of course, Claudia likes sitting with her Daddy and Father, but she can’t watch her Father looking at Daddy from his lap, can she? She likes watching father looking at Daddy, because he smiles a lot then.

Claudia’s Father doesn’t smile all the time the way Uncle Ron and Uncle Neville do. But it is alright with her. Daddy says that father is saving all the smiles for two of them. For some time that worries her, because Claudia is going to have a baby brother very soon and she is afraid that she will have to share Father’s smiles with him too and there will be not much left for her.

Father often says that smart people keep their eyes and ears open and try to learn something from what they see, so that’s exactly what she does; for some time Claudia watches her father closer than usually.

What she sees, makes Claudia believe that she has been completely wrong about everything. Don’t jump to conclusions. Father often reminds her. And Father is very smart.
However, after observing for some time it becomes obvious that the new baby is not going to take any smiles away from her and Daddy, because lately Father smiles more often than before.

While she is not worrying about loosing his Father’s smiles anymore, Claudia has discovered a new pastime. She is not sure why, but it makes her feel all warm inside when she sees her parents together. Daddy sits with his back against Father’s chest, his head tucked under Father’s chin.

Claudia really likes Father’s hands, they are much bigger than hers and Daddy’s too and his fingers are long and elegant. Not always clean though, but Daddy says that it is not because he doesn’t wash his hands. Father works with Potions ingredients, which sometimes not come off easily. When Father comes home from work they often sit together and Claudia inspects one finger after another and asks Father to tell her, where each stain has come from.

Lately whenever Daddy and Father sit together on the sofa, Father’s hands don’t leave Daddy’s tummy.

Sometimes they draw circles, sometimes they are stroking it gently or they just lay there. Well, there are times when they sneak under Daddy’s shirt, but those times, Claudia stops watching and returns to playing with Wendelin for real. She knows that if Father will notice her watching, he will take his hands away, but Daddy always smiles even brighter and shifts even closer to Father on those times and Claudia likes to see her Daddy happy.
.

~ Fin ~

Reminders
Tabula rasa – (fr. Latin) something clean, untouched.
Wendelin – from Wendelin the Weird, the witch who liked to be burned. Well, kids like to be morbid sometimes, right?

A/N:

Well, I promised that this would be the last chapter. Nope. Changed my mind. While the official part of story is over, there will be a little after party, probably in a week or something. Call it a side story or a sequel, whatever, I’ll just post it here as the fifth chapter.

But that will be it!

Oh, and don’t forget to review!

I will try to respond to you, at least to those who have questions and a lot to say… but right now, I spend all my free time writing! You can’t have objections to that!