Pains and Contradictions

Many thanks to Laurenke1 for the wonderful beta job and for catching a plot hole. I hate plot holes. So very, very much. Also, thank you for the enthusiastic reviews. They always make my day, really.





Harry sat on his bed after Snape left with all the events of the day replaying in his head. Coming home to Privet Drive was nothing like he thought it would be. Somehow it was so much worse but so much better all at the same time.



The roast beef his aunt had left him felt like lead in his stomach, but he ate it knowing that Snape had been right. As much as it pained him to admit it, the events of the day had drained him and he needed the nourishment.



It was night and his relatives were all in their respective rooms. Hedwig had returned from her evening hunt and she sat in her cage, lightly slumbering.



He opened his trunk and pulled out a quill and parchment. He needed to ask the Headmaster about attending Ron\'s funeral. Holding back the tears that wanted to come for just a few more minutes was not the most difficult task.



Taking quill to parchment he wrote:



Dear Headmaster,



I realize it might not be safe, but I want to attend Ron\'s funeral. I want to be with the Weasleys and Hermione when they say goodbye. I\'m willing to take the risk of being there, sir. Please let me know when and where it will be.



Sincerely,



Harry



Harry walked over to Hedwig\'s cage and woke her up. "I have a letter for you, girl. Don\'t come back until you have a reply. You can peck his fingers if you need to." With a soft hoot, Hedwig left the cage and flew out of the window.



That task being done with, Harry turned to his tiny cot with trepidation. Only last night he had been in his four poster bed at Hogwarts thinking about how this stay with his relatives would only be bearable because Ron would be there at the end of it. Now Ron was gone and he was alone.



Except that Harry didn\'t feel completely alone.



Not wanting to examine that feeling just yet, he kicked off his trainers and pants and laid down on his bed. As he laid his head down on his pillow, he fully expected that familiar dead weight to settle on his chest and take the breath out of him. But that feeling that had been torturing him all year didn\'t come.



Harry almost felt guilty.



Instead, he turned his thoughts to Ron and fully expected to feel that sense of pain and regret the way he did when he thought of Sirius. But thinking of Ron didn\'t bring him that guilty feeling he was used to. It brought something he had never felt before.



He closed his eyes and thought of his friend. He thought about meeting him on the Hogwarts Express. How they had been rude to Hermione at first but had saved her from that troll thus cementing their friendship. He thought about how he had chosen Ron over Malfoy and how glad he was that he did that.



Harry smiled when he thought of that. And with that smile came a small laugh and then tears. As his laugh subsided, the tears continued to roll down his face. Rather than try to stop them like he had been doing all day, he allowed them to come.



Harry was crying. Not tears of frustration and rage like he had cried in front of the Potions Master earlier. Tears of sadness and mourning. He missed his friend.



His thoughts turned to Ron again. This time about how they had sneaked into the Slytherin common room together and gone into the Chamber of Secrets. Ron had always been with him on all his adventures.



Harry smiled again as he thought of Ron as new tears trailed down his face. He thought briefly about third year and how they had discovered the truth about Sirius together. He thought about how they had fought in fourth year and felt a pang of regret. But this time it wasn\'t the kind that took the breath from his lungs. He simply wished he had not wasted any time he might have had with his friend.



Tears streaming down his face, he thought of Ron. How he\'d never be able to do all the things he wanted to do. How his life was cut short by Voldemort. That he was just another victim in the long list of people killed in this war. He was so angry.



He turned onto his stomach, clenched his fists and sobbed into his pillow. His best friend was dead. Hermione would never be the same. If he was feeling pain like this, he could only imagine how she felt. He knew that she had loved him and he had loved her without either of them ever having to say so. He had never said a thing about it because he thought, as they did, that they had time.



That thought brought a fresh sob to Harry\'s chest. Quietly, he wept for his friend.



He cried freely for what felt like hours. He missed Ron so much already. He knew he would miss him all his life. They would have been friends for life, he knew. And Lucius Malfoy would suffer for taking that away from him, from Ron.



And to think the man had been aiming for Snape.



Snape.



He had no idea how he felt towards the Potions Master at the moment. When Snape had revealed that it was he who had told Voldemort the prophecy, Harry thought he would murder the man. It was only curiosity and the fact that Snape had just defended him with his life that kept him from strangling the man with his bare hands.



But he had listened. The entire time Snape was talking about what he had done and how much he had regretted it and how it had hurt him because he had gotten his best friend killed, Harry thought he could have been talking about himself.



No, not just his friend. His only friend. She was his only friend, he had said. The only friend who had accepted him for what, or who, he was. Harry frowned at that. What had Snape meant by that?



Harry rolled over onto his side and thought about the Potions Master. He knew that he should\'ve been angry. He knew he had every right to blame Snape, to hate the man with a passion. He knew Snape wouldn\'t blame him if he did. And he would have hated him if he had only found out about this a day earlier. Hating Snape would make sense. That\'s something a normal person would do.



But Harry had never been normal. And as he listened to Snape talk about his pain and regret, he knew he could never hate the man again. Not when he was so like himself.



But even more surprising was the fact that Snape hadn\'t lied to him. When Harry asked about the prophecy, he was surprised to hear Snape\'s confession but he was even more surprised that he had confessed.



Harry had been receiving half truths and outright lies for years from everyone he knew. But at the first question he had posed to the man, he told the truth when he could have lied. Merlin, Harry thought, he should have lied. I don\'t know if I would have been brave enough to tell me the truth.



The man was a master spy. His entire life was about the masterful weaving of lies with the truth. And what an ugly truth. Snape had said it was the biggest mistake of his life and Harry already knew the second. But he told him anyway.



Harry couldn\'t help but feel so grateful for that.



Snape knew all about the pain of regret. How could Harry add to the man\'s burdens? How could he when he knew what it was like? He\'d have to be made of stone or something.



That was the reason why the man risked his life to be in Voldemort\'s court. It was why he risked his life to save Harry today. Not revenge, he had said, but to save own soul.



And like Harry, he knew what the cold hand of Fate had felt like. Harry knew too much about that as well. He had felt it for this last year. How horrible to have been feeling it for sixteen?



No, Harry couldn\'t hate the Potions Master. When he looked at him on the train and in the car, he had never felt closer to anyone. That thought was so incredibly different than the thoughts he had of this man even twenty four hours ago. The extreme nature of the changes that had happened today baffled Harry.



That alone proved that Harry had gone around the bend. But it was true. When Snape had left Privet Drive, it almost felt like he had lost a friend. Harry marveled at that thought as well as the realization that for the first time since he learned he had a godfather, he did not feel alone.



He wanted to think that he had more in common with his friends or with Sirius. But he couldn\'t lie to himself. No one else knew what it was like to have your destiny shaped by things that were beyond your control. Snape said he had felt the cold hand of Fate that night he had revealed the prophecy. Harry believed him. There are some things that are impossible to misinterpret.



With thoughts of the Potions Master on his mind, Harry fell into an exhausted sleep.



***************

Severus Snape made the journey up to the Headmaster\'s office slowly. Thoughts of Lily and Harry were heavy on his mind. Circumstances and events that he had not thought of in years were suddenly brought to the forefront of his thoughts. He still could not wrap his mind around what had happened today.



Not the events on the loading platform. He had long been expecting to be discovered as a spy. He knew his life was forfeit the moment he saw Harry Potter reappear in that maze telling his story of how the Dark Lord was back. No, that had not surprised him in the least.



But what happened afterward had shocked him to his very core.



Lily had been his friend and he had loved her. They may have been friends when they were younger but he had fully expected her to abandon him once they got to Hogwarts. Who would want to be friends with a pale, skinny, greasy haired book worm like himself? Especially when she was so popular and so beautiful.



But she had been his friend. She hadn\'t abandoned him when he was sorted into Slytherin. Nor had she abandoned him when all the other Gryffindors targeted him for their pranks. And to his utmost surprise, she had not abandoned him when she found out that he was gay.



If his mistakes with Lily were the choices he regretted most in life, then his next biggest regret was misinterpreting Lucius Malfoy\'s interest in him in his second year. Looking back on it, he knew how foolish he was. At the time Malfoy was one of the most popular students in school. He was handsome and wealthy and it was well known that no matter what he did in life he would likely stay that way. Snape was a fool to misread the attention Lucius gave him.



In his youthful ignorance he believed for a moment that someone other than Lily could see past his awkwardness and hideous features. He failed to understand that Malfoy had been making connections and putting talented people in his pocket for all his seven years at Hogwarts. Snape was simply Lucius\' attempt at acquiring someone who would be very useful in potions later on in life.



Lucius always did like to be prepared.



Nevertheless, Snape did misread Malfoy\'s intentions, the result of which were witnessed one night by a Gryffindor student that happened to walk into the potions classroom just as Snape had built up the incredible courage to actually kiss Lucius Malfoy on the cheek. The results of this were a look of disgust from Lucius and the entire school knowing about his homosexuality. He had never been popular before but at least he hadn\'t been tormented by his own house. Aside from the Marauders, the only people who seemed to care about his being gay were the mostly pureblood students from Slytherin. Lucius himself seemed to rather forget about the entire thing. He had already invested enough time in Snape that he didn\'t want to lose a person who he viewed as someone it would be in his advantage to know in the future.



While he didn\'t enjoy being ostracized, what he really cared about was what Lily would think. To him, that alone would have been enough to destroy their friendship. But Lily wasn\'t as prejudiced as some of the rest of the Wizarding World. She just laughed and said only purebloods cared about whether someone was gay or not and kissed him on his cheek. He had been so relieved. It was difficult enough being the only homosexual in Slytherin house. It was only his status as a half blood and the fact that he earned his house points from his grades in classes that kept him from being throttled at every turn.



But Lily had not forgiven him for everything. Really, he couldn\'t blame her. It wasn\'t calling her a mudblood that put the final nail in the coffin of their friendship.



No, his friendship with Lily ended with him refusing to disavow the beliefs of the Dark Lord. It was embracing the Death Eaters that had pushed her away. He understood her motives then, he was no fool. Even now, he could not think a bad thought about her. She had shown him too much kindness that had never been shown to him before or after her. At the time he couldn\'t see that the prejudice he had toward muggleborns was the same as some wizards\' prejudice towards him. It wasn\'t until much later that he had fully understood what an idiot he had been.



He was eternally indebted to Lily Potter. As he was to her son, first through her and now for his own reasons.



Snape was convinced that even beautiful and forgiving Lily would not have been able to see past his treachery towards her. But Potter had listened and accepted it and even thanked Snape for telling him.



Really, what kind of game was Potter playing?



But Snape knew it was no game. He could see straight through the boy if he wanted to and he knew Potter held him no ill will after his confession.



He simply couldn\'t understand that kind of forgiveness. Merlin knew he didn\'t deserve it. But it did change his opinion of the boy. There was less of his father in him than he thought. Or perhaps the whole was greater than the sum of its parts.



All Snape knew was that he hated leaving Potter in that house. He didn\'t want him to have to stay and suffer mourning his friend with those...people. He should be here at Hogwarts where Snape could keep an eye on him.



With these thoughts on his mind, he muttered the absurd password and rode the stairway up to the Headmaster\'s office.



The door opened for him, revealing a much more upset looking Headmaster than he had seen in this room earlier today.



Snape took in the room. Fawkes was covered in ash and chirping, tiny and featherless again. He looked over at the desk and saw a haphazard pile of paper and that same chessboard from this morning.



The King\'s Pawn had been cut down.



Snape\'s teeth clenched. So a child had been assigned his own role in Dumbledore\'s little game, he thought. He wondered what Harry would think of that.



"Severus, excellent," Dumbledore finally noticed him, the man had been lost in thought. "How is Harry? You managed to get him safely to the Dursley\'s?"



Snape took in the frantic pacing of the Headmaster and calmed himself. He took his usual seat in front of the desk. "Yes, Albus. I deposited Potter in his dreadful relative\'s house as you requested. I must say it was absolutely delightful seeing Petunia again after so long. I believe you have corresponded?" Snape lifted an eyebrow.



"Oh, yes, we\'ve spoken. You wouldn\'t believe how hard she fought when I asked her to take Harry. I knew that Petunia had been a jealous child but I never thought it would extend to her sister\'s only son. How wrong I was," Dumbledore seemed to be speaking to the wall or some far off figure, not Snape.



"Yet you continue to send him there, knowing what it\'s like for him," Snape leaned forward in a very uncharacteristic way and put his head in his hands. "You\'re going to have to answer for that someday, Albus."



The Headmaster\'s chuckle seemed darker than usual. "You are not telling me anything I don\'t already know, Severus. You\'re not the only one with regrets, my boy. But this is something that could not have been avoided. There was no choice in the matter, but the decision was mine to make. I pray someday Harry can understand that."



"Speaking of regrets, Albus, there\'s something you should know," Snape paused while the Headmaster turned his head to face him. "I told Potter about the prophecy." When Dumbledore\'s eyebrows lifted and his face looked confused, Snape clarified, "I told him I was the one who told the Dark Lord the prophecy."



Albus\' eyes widened and he made to circle his desk and sat down in his chair. He looked so much older than his years at that moment. "Why?" was the only thing he said.



"Because he asked. Because he deserved to know. Because I had planned on telling him someday anyway," Snape answered simply.



"How did he take it?"



"Surprisingly well. I don\'t understand it, really. He was angry at first, as you would expect. He asked me questions, which I answered. I told him the truth about everything. I did not leave anything out. I told him how Lily was my friend. I told him how much I regretted my actions and how I\'ve done everything in my power to make amends, though I know amends can never be made. Potter just seemed to....accept it. I didn\'t try to cover it up or ask his forgiveness. He just seemed to...give it. It\'s beyond me, Albus." Snape still sat with his head in his hands as he spoke to the Headmaster.



For the first time since he walked into the room, the Headmaster smiled. "Yes, Harry does have the greatest capacity for love, as I\'ve said before."



Snape stood up straight at that, "Love? Trust me, Headmaster there is no love lost between your brat and myself..."



Dumbledore put up a hand to stop the impromptu rant that he really had no patience for at the moment, "No, perhaps not between you. But love is a very powerful force. It changes who we are and who we will become. Harry has a great amount of love inside him and it shapes his decisions, the way he interacts with people. I\'m not surprised in the least that he would forgive you. After all you\'ve done, after all this time, Severus, you deserve to be forgiven. Harry\'s the only one who can give you that."



Severus wanted to argue with the Headmaster but an awful pain over took his left arm and he had to bite his lip to keep from crying out. How ironic. The past mistake that he had just been discussing was currently trying to burn his arm off.



The Headmaster sat up immediately, "He\'s summoning you?"



Snape stood up quickly, knocking down his chair, "Yes, I must go."



"Severus, you can\'t be serious. After what happened today..."



"I\'m not entirely sure what happened today. The fact that I was not informed of the attack is not a good sign but the Dark Lord must have known that I would be assigned on that guard," Snape stood up, ignoring the blinding pain in his left arm, "I have to be sure, Albus. We cannot afford to lose our only spy in the Order. There\'s still a chance I can save my position."



"Severus, stop!" the Headmaster raised his voice and Snape was reminded that this man had defeated Grindelwald. "Listen to me," Dumbledore leaned over his desk and looked Snape directly in the eye. "You\'ve done enough, Severus. You\'ve spied long enough and saved enough people to finally have some peace, child. Voldemort drew a line in the sand today and you made your choice. Please, Severus, Lily wouldn\'t have wanted this. You\'ve done enough, don\'t send yourself off to certain death."



Snape stood up straight and answered the Headmaster\'s stare, "This is my decision, Albus, not yours. If I lose my position as a spy not only is my life forfeit, but my usefulness to the Order as well. I\'ll not be let out to pasture or locked away in a house somewhere like you did with the mutt. I have to know," and with that Snape swept out of the office and walked down the stairs.



Before the stairway closed he heard Albus say, "He\'s already forgiven you, Severus. When will you stop all this and forgive yourself?"



****************

Harry Potter was enjoying his first dream in what felt like years. He and Ron were playing Quidditch and they were both chasing the snitch. The grass below him was green and the sky above him was clear and stretched on forever. Harry could feel the wind on his face and he could hear Ron laughing as they caught the snitch over and over again.



Then suddenly, the dream grew dark. The scene changed from the Quidditch pitch to a large room with a familiar looking dais. He was sitting on a large throne in the center of the room and he was surrounded by figures all dressed in black. The room was very plain and had the feel of disuse, like there was dust in the air. He could barely make out a dusty chandelier attached to the ceiling. The dirt on the floors could not hide the fact that they were marble. There were torches on the wall that were giving off the only light.



Harry\'s eyes were focused on a lone figure in the center of the circle. Harry had a difficult time making out what it was. It was moving around slowly and was making the most awful noises. It slowly dawned on Harry that it was a man. As soon as he realized this he knew who it was. His suspicions were confirmed when the robes covering the man\'s face fell away revealing the pale, drawn features of Severus Snape.



"Severus," Harry could hear Voldemort speaking, "you continue to spin your lies for that old fool. You think yourself so very intelligent, don\'t you? What exactly do you take me for? Tell me, Severus, why have you betrayed me? Crucio!"



Snape writhed in pain on the floor from what Harry knew was not his first treatment of the unforgivable from Voldemort.



Panting and gasping for air as Voldemort broke the curse, Snape struggled to say, "My Lord, I would never dream of betraying you. Dumbledore ordered me to protect Potter. He has eyes and ears all over Hogsmeade. I could not afford to expose myself. I\'m the only one who courts Dumbledore\'s favor. I did not even consider giving up my position."



"Come now, Severus," Voldemort seemed to speak Snape\'s name in parseltongue, "you can do better than that. Your lying is legendary to me now, your betrayal epic. Tell me, Severus, why should I allow you to live?"



Snape gasped and he tried to bring himself up to kneel, "My Lord, please. Defending Potter has put me in the best position to spy on Dumbledore. Even as you summoned me, I was meeting with the old fool. We were discussing his plans for the boy."



Voldemort seemed to pause at this. Perhaps he wasn\'t so willing to give up his prized spy. "That\'s not enough, Severus. The information you\'ve given me lately has been uncertain at best and false at its worse. Tell me, Severus really, whose man are you? Crucio."



Snape\'s body contorted in ways Harry had never seen before. His lips were bleeding as he bit down, trying to keep himself from crying out. Harry wanted to look away but could not. He didn\'t control the body that was witnessing this.



Snape panted as the curse was lifted. His entire body was shaking and his voice broke, "My Lord, I serve only you. Potter, my Lord, I made great headway with Potter today. I saved his life, my Lord. He had never trusted me before. He hated me but today I believe I made him trust me."



One of the smaller figures draped in black took one hesitant step forward and said in a trembling voice, "Master, it\'s true. Potter\'s always hated Snape. Their hatred for each other is legendary at the school. But I saw Snape protect Potter with my own eyes, I saw them as they got on the train..."



Before the small man could get the last word out, a taller man with long silvery hair stepped forward and pulled him back, "Draco, be quiet. Our Lord does not wish to hear about this filth."



"No, Lucius, Draco is right. I have many eyes and ears within the school. I\'ve often heard of the hatred between Snape and Potter myself. If our Severus has created a bond with Potter then why not exploit it?"



Lucius bowed his head and said, "My Lord is wise in all things," and took a step back with Draco to join the circle surrounding Snape.



"My Severus, I\'ve long thought you were too intelligent for your own good. All those plans within plans, playing both sides. I\'ve so hated questioning your loyalty but perhaps you could still be of use after all. Do you believe you can get Potter to trust you?"



Snape was gasping for air and struggling just to sit up, "My Lord, I am sure of it. Potter is at the lowest point in his life. His best friend was just murdered and I was the only one there to help him. I can become close to him, my Lord."



Harry felt Voldemort\'s face contort as he sneered, "Yes, I can imagine what...men like you would do to, how did you put it... get close to the boy."



The Death Eaters surrounding him all laughed but Harry didn\'t understand why.



Snape seemed to lower his eyes to the floor.



"Look at me, Snape."



Snape\'s black eyes met Voldemort\'s. Harry could feel the pull of Voldemort\'s mind and knew what it was in that moment to be a master Legilimens. Harry held his breath and hoped that the man\'s mental defenses would hold. Not only did Voldemort still not know all the details of the prophecy, if he saw Snape\'s raw guilt from the man\'s own point of view, there would be no way the Potions Master could deny it. The conversation in the cabin of the Hogwarts Express alone would reveal Snape\'s true allegiances.



He saw Snape\'s memories go by in a flash. He saw Snape and himself dodging curses from Malfoy. He saw them on the train as Snape was telling Harry that whatever he expressed in the cabin would remain between them. He saw himself screaming and crying at Snape while the man remained silent. He saw himself and Snape sitting together with a feeling of companionship. Then the memories cut off as Voldemort extracted himself from Snape\'s mind. Harry breathed a mental sigh of relief.



Voldemort was silent on his throne, considering what he had just seen. "You have no idea the plans that were ruined today, Severus. As you should know by now, I cannot afford to tell all my secrets to the man who lives in Dumbledore\'s pocket." Voldemort watched as Snape was struggling to remain kneeling in front of him. "When you saw my Death Eaters attacking, it should have been your first instinct to know that there were plans in place that I had seen fit to keep from you," Voldemort stood up and walked off his throne. He stood directly in front of Snape and took a cold, scaly finger and put it under Snape\'s chin.



Harry was astounded that he didn\'t feel Snape shudder.



"By siding with the Order, whatever your intentions were, you went directly against my plans. You do see this, don\'t you, my Severus?"



Snape seemed unnaturally calm for a man who had just undergone torture at the hand of the man standing in front of him. "I am sorry, my Lord. I thought only to protect my position. It is how I am best able to serve you."



"Yes, you\'ve been a very good spy to me over the years. Your servitude should not go unrewarded."



Voldemort seemed to pause and consider the trembling man in front of him for a moment. "Very well, Severus. I believe you are still loyal to me. You are to remain at your post at Hogwarts and try to attain Potter\'s trust."



"Thank you, my Lord. I will not fail you," Snape gasped.



Voldemort turned his head from Snape and addressed one of the crowd. "Lucius?"



The blond man stepped forward and bowed, "Yes, my Lord?"



"You were the one to kill the blood traitor?"



Lucius was cold and cruel as he said, "Yes, my Lord, that pleasure was mine."



"Very well," Voldemort released Snape\'s head and went to return to his throne. "Our Severus is a teacher. A teacher really only needs his mind and his tongue to teach. You may do what you will with the rest of him."



The last thing Harry saw as the Death Eaters descended upon Snape was Malfoy\'s malicious smile as he drew his wand.