The Death of a Soul

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Chapter Thirty Nine


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Harry held onto the doorknob for dear life. He was so nervous he was afraid that if he was to let go, he would collapse to his knees. He glanced back, wondering if Alexander was watching him. Perhaps he could just turn away now, and run back to his room and nobody would notice.

Harry closed his eyes and counted to ten. Part of his mind was telling his feet to make a break for it, whilst the other part was telling his hand to just open the bloody door! Harry slowly opened his eyes, and stared long and hard at the knob. His eyes drifted to his wedding ring, and then his anger came back to him full force.

Without another thought of doubt, Harry turned the knob, and bolted into the room.

Harry's eyes immediately landed on a pair of dark onyx ones. His body began to tremble in rage. He wished so hard at that moment that he had his wand. There was a chair sitting across from Snape, but he ignored it. He marched over to Snape and stood before him.

Harry was so enraged that he didn’t know what to say first. He was suddenly at a loss for words. All he could do was glare with hatred in his eyes. But, he also knew it would only take one word out of Snape's mouth to start his screaming. One word … or one look.

But Snape never spoke. Instead he sat in his chair, watching Harry passively and very carefully. Perhaps he too was waiting. Harry's body began to shake harder, and he opened and closed his fists. Harry knew he was a bomb ready to explode.

And then suddenly, Snape opened his mouth to speak. That’s all it took.

“Don’t you say a word to me! Not one fucking word!” Harry yelled. “There is nothing that you could possibly say to me that would be worth listening to!”

Snape closed his mouth and nodded.

“And don’t you dare try to patronise me, you arrogant bastard!”

Snape didn’t move a muscle, but kept his eyes focused on Harry, obviously trying not to betray any emotions that would upset Harry – which made Harry even angrier.

Harry said the first thing that popped into his screaming mind.

“You lied to me!” Harry cried, advancing towards Snape. “All this time! It was all a fucking LIE! You made me believe…”

Harry’s words caught in his throat. He closed his eyes and tried to focus, although a tear of frustration and pain ran down his cheek. He opened his eyes again, but as soon as they met Snape's, his anger came back ten-fold.

“How could you? How COULD you? Do you have any idea of what you put me through? Do you even fucking care?” Harry screamed, but he continued on, answering himself. “Of course, you don’t! You never have! You don’t give a fuck about anything or anyone else but yourself!”

Snape was still sitting perfectly still, not making a move, or displaying any type of emotions. Which again, infuriated Harry.

“You used me! You fucking used me!” Harry yelled louder. “I want to hear it! I want to hear from your own lips that you used me!”

Snape made the mistake of opening his mouth.

“NO!” Harry screamed at the top of his lungs. “Don’t you dare say a fucking word to me!”

Immediately, Harry ran over to him, and slammed into the invisible barrier that separated the two. Harry started pounding on it.

“I hate you! I fucking hate you! You ruined my life, you bastard! Do you understand that? Do you?” Harry shouted, still pounding his fists against the shield.

Snape stood up and backed away.

“Don’t run away from me, you coward! Come here and face me! Because I want to see the look in your eyes when I kill you! Do you hear me? I’m going to fucking kill you!” Harry turned his head to the door. “Remove this right now, and let me kill him!”

Instantly, two mediwizards came rushing in.

“Take down this shield!” Harry cried hysterically. “Let me have him!”

The two men grabbed Harry, and started pulling him away.

Harry began thrashing within their strong hold.

“No! Release me and let me kill him!” Harry screamed, kicking his legs.

Instantly, Harry collapsed in the two men’s arms from a quick Stunning Spell.

He never saw Snape bow his head in shame.


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When Harry awoke in his bed, his memory of what had happened with Snape came flooding back to him. He wrapped his arms around himself and cried. Suddenly, Harry leaned off the bed and vomited on the ground.


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Harry hugged his legs protectively, and rested his head on his knees. Minutes went by with neither Harry nor Alexander saying a word. Finally, he raised his head, but didn’t look at the healer. Instead, he stared at the floor.

“I really wanted to kill him,” he whispered.

“I know, Harry,” Alexander whispered back.

“I would have done it, too.”

“I know.”

Harry was aware that Alexander wanted desperately to hold him and tell him it was going to be all right, but he also knew that Alexander knew when it was time to hold him and offer comfort…

And when to not.

Silence filled the room again. But it was only when Harry’s tears turned into sobs, and his body started to shake uncontrollably, that Alexander came rushing over to him. Harry was too distraught to care. Unconsciously, he leaned into Alexander’s embrace.

“I-I don’t k-know if I can d-do that again,” Harry said through shaky breaths. “I don’t know if I can face him again.”

Alexander rubbed Harry's arm. “Shh. Let’s not think of that right now,” he whispered softly. “Let’s concentrate on your breathing first.”

Harry still continued to tremble.

“Come on, Harry. Take a deep breath with me.”

Harry followed Alexander's lead and took in a half-breath.

“That’s it. Now another. Come on, Harry, I know you can do it.”

Harry breathed in twice more before a long and steady gasp of air entered his lungs.

“Shh. That’s it,” Alexander said soothingly. “One more.”

After Harry finished exhaling, he closed his eyes and smiled.

Alexander, noticing this, frowned in confusion. “Harry? What is it?”

Harry wiped away his tears with the back of his hand, and sat up straight. He glanced sideways at Alexander.

“Nothing. I just…” Harry began. He smile grew, and then finally met Alexander's questioning gaze. “I just thought of someone, that’s all.”

Alexander grinned. “Would that happen to be Draco Malfoy?”

Harry opened his mouth and gasped. “H-how did you--”

Still smiling, Alexander said, “It wasn’t too difficult to figure out. You have spoken of him before.”

Blushing, Harry lowered his head.

“One day, I’d like to meet him.”

Harry's eyes widened and gaped at him. “Why?”

Alexander was still grinning. “To tell him ‘thank you’, of course.”

Harry's face turned red again, and he whispered, “Oh.” After a brief pause, Harry said softly, “Me too.”


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It was a few more sessions with Alexander before Harry had agreed to meet with Snape again. He was told by Alexander that not only had Harry's outburst made himself physically sick, but Severus Snape became ill, as well. Harry was secretly happy to hear that, of course, but the thought of two days of retching again was not appealing.

As Harry sat back on the sofa listening to Alexander, he twisted his ring on his finger, and every now and then he tried to pull it off. As all the times before, he had grimaced when he had pulled on it too hard. Harry looked up when he heard Alexander sigh with sympathy.

Harry asked him how it was possible that the ring had remained since it was a wedding ring, and it should have been able to come off when the marriage ended. Alexander reminded Harry that the ring wasn’t just a wedding ring, but a bonding ring as well, and that it would only come off when the bond was broken. Alexander went on to explain that in a typical bonding marriage, once the marriage had ended, the ring would have automatically come off. However, since the ring did not in this case, it was clearly a different type of bond. One that probably only Severus knows about.

It was also possible that Severus could have designed the ring – and the bond - himself.

Harry asked Alexander why they couldn’t just force Snape to take Veritaserum to see how to remove the bond, but sadly, Alexander said that they couldn't because they wouldn’t know what kind of affect it would have on Harry. Harry argued that he didn’t care, but Alexander countered that no one was going to take that chance with Harry's life.

For all anyone knows, any direct attack on Severus – including submitting Severus to an involuntary truth serum - could injure Harry in the process.

And so, there was only thing left to do:

Somehow, someway, get Severus to confess what type of bond it was, and how to remove it.

Harry sighed in despair because he then knew at that moment…

He had no choice but to confront Severus.


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Even though a week had passed, and he knew more about the bond, Harry honestly thought he had his emotions under control. But as soon as he saw Snape, his anger had erupted again. And like the first time, Snape just sat there, watching Harry scream at him over and over again. Harry had to be escorted out again, but at least this time he was conscious.

However, that didn’t mean anything. Harry was still sick afterwards for two days.


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Severus had refused to talk with Alexander since the first meeting with Harry. There was nothing to say. There was nothing he could say. Not to Alexander, nor to Harry.

He didn’t even know if he could say anything to himself. He hung his head and sighed. This was becoming more complicated that he had previously thought.


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By the fifth visit with Snape, Harry was finally able to sit down in the chair, although his right leg was still bouncing with anger. Every once in awhile, Harry could tell Snape wanted to say something to him, but instead Snape had looked away. Deep down, Harry knew that one day Snape would be the one who would explode. Harry just couldn’t believe that Snape had changed so much these few months that it had humbled him.

Harry wanted to test Snape just to prove if his suspicions were correct.

Staring into Snape's eyes, Harry asked, “So, Severus, tell me. Did you honestly think you would have been able to get away with this? That I wouldn’t have been able to find out? That no one wouldn’t have been able to figure it out?”

Harry could see Snape's jaw tighten.

Harry scoffed. “You did, didn’t you?”

Snape's nostrils flared.

Harry shook his head. “You really are an arrogant bastard.” Ignoring Snape's hateful look, Harry continued. “You know Malfoy was right about you,” Harry said, taking great satisfaction when Snape's fists clenched when he heard the name ‘Malfoy’. “I was only your property,” Harry hissed. “You never loved me. You never even cared about me. All you wanted was a … fuck.”

Snape's eyes widened with rage, but remained quiet.

“Oh, come on, Snape, admit it,” Harry snapped. “For once in your miserable life tell the truth!”

When silence was Harry's only answer, Harry stood and scoffed with disgust. He walked to the door, but before he opened it, he turned around to look at Snape one last time.

“You know, Severus, I never told you this, but you were a really lousy fuck.”

As Harry left the room, he couldn’t help but smirk when he heard Snape scream and slam into the invisible barrier.


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“Harry,” Alexander tsked with a small half-smile playing on his lips.

Harry grinned evilly back at him. “I know.”

“Was that really necessary?”

Harry shrugged. “Don’t know. But it felt good.”


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For a chilly day in September, the sky was clear. Harry lay back on the blanket, staring at the endless, blue sky; whilst his mind replayed the ‘meeting’ with Snape he had two days ago.

Their eyes had locked onto each other when Harry had entered Snape's room, and it was only broken when Snape had motioned to a near-by chair. Harry slowly sat down and avoided Snape's stare by looking around the room. He never really had paid any attention the last few times he was here.

The walls were not as bare as Harry’s room. Non-moving pictures of past wizards that were sent to death adorned them, apparently to remind Snape of his crimes, and what could have happened to him. Harry didn’t know why a sudden chill went through him. He quickly averted his attention to the small single bed in the corner, and then to the empty bookshelf in the other. In the centre of the room, sat Snape; sitting behind a semi-large desk that held dozens of tomes stacked high.

Running out of things to look at, Harry lowered his eyes to the floor before slowly peering up at Snape, who now was watching Harry's every move. Instantly, Harry drew his focus to the large number of books and squinted, trying to make out their contents. He glanced up at Snape. He was holding up a book for Harry to read. It was an advanced – but legal – book. It was the book that Harry had bought when they were married. ‘The Witch and Wizard’s Guide in Forced Marriages’.

Harry narrowed his eyes and scowled at Snape thinking that it was his book, and Snape had stolen it. Snape quickly shook his head and pointed to himself. He mouthed the words, “It’s mine.” Harry raised a brow skeptically, but again, Snape shook his head. Sighing, Harry gestured to Snape to continue his studying. Snape had immersed himself back into his research again, and nothing else was said. After an hour of boredom, Harry quietly got up and left.


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It was an unspoken knowledge throughout the staff of St Mungo’s that the tree in which Harry sat under day after day was now labelled by them simply “Harry’s tree”. It was where he went to escape, and try to gain some perspective on his new life. He leaned back and closed his eyes. He took a deep breath, and let the cool, crisp air fill his lungs completely. Exhaling slowly, his eyes lazily opened, and admired the beautiful colours decorating the morning sky. He loved watching the beginning of a new day.

It always gave him hope.

Harry began to mentally congratulate himself on his progress at St Mungo’s. Not that the healers or his best friends didn’t congratulate him enough, but there was nothing like the feeling of self-satisfaction. He had definitely come far since the time he was first admitted here. He was almost feeling like himself again.

Well…almost.

Harry found himself unconsciously drawing his legs up to this chest, and wrapped his arms around them protectively. There was one part of his life that he knew he still had to address.

Sex.

There was no escaping it. Harry would have to eventually talk about it, face it, and then come to terms with it. He knew he should be discussing this with his healers, but he couldn’t. Not just yet. He had to figure this part out on his own.

Harry slowly lowered his legs, crossed them at his ankles, and leaned back once again. He stared absently at the ground, and tried to remember how the healers had begun the sessions. Suddenly, Harry mentally shook his head. No, this was different than all of the other topics he had discussed with them. He had to approach it differently.

He closed his eyes and tried to concentrate, but it was no use. His mind and his emotions were too muddled together. Only questions filled his mind. One main one in particular:

Was sex really that important to him?

“Harry?”

Harry was startled out of his train of thought and sat up quickly. It was Hermione. He motioned her to sit down. She sat opposite of him and smiled softly.

“You wanted to see me?”

Harry returned the smile and nodded. Hermione tilted her head and waited. He looked down and began to fidget with the hem of his trousers.

“I wondered if you,” he paused briefly then took a deep breath. “I wondered if you could help me with something.”

He smiled to himself as he heard Hermione gasp, and could feel her tremble with anticipation. He looked back up, and couldn’t help but grin at her wide-eyed expression.

Harry had told both Ron and Hermione about the meetings with Snape, and how it was slowly progressing. He also had told them what Alexander said about trying to work things out with Snape because if he did not, they - Snape and Harry - might upset the balance of the bond.

While Ron was still furious at Snape and didn’t want to hear anything about the two of them ‘working things out’, Hermione was a little more understanding, and able to realise Alexander had a good point. Because of this, Harry asked Hermione to come alone today.

“Healer Graham doesn’t know what kind of bond Snape had placed on the rings. He said only Snape would know, and he isn’t talking.”

Hermione frowned. “Have you come right out and asked him?”

Harry scowled at her playfully. “Gee, Hermione, why didn’t I think of that?”

Hermione flushed slightly and whispered, “Sorry.”

Harry smiled at her. “It’s all right. I was only playing,” he assured her, patting her hand. Harry looked away briefly and sighed. “I wish it was that simple though. I know it appears as if he is trying to research the bond, but, honestly, I think he’s just bluffing. I think he knows how to remove it, and the reason he won’t tell me is that he doesn’t want to let me go.”

“Gee, Harry, why didn’t I think of that?” Hermione teased.

Harry laughed. “I guess that was a pretty stupid thing to say, wasn’t it?”

Hermione smiled. “So, I’m guessing you asked me here because you’d like me to help find out what kind of bond is in place?” she said, smirking.

Harry nodded. “Yes. I can’t help but wonder if it has to do something with the vows that were made. Maybe all it needs is to have the vows re-instated,” he offered hopefully.

Hermione bit her lower lip and scrunched up her face to think. “Hm. Maybe.” Then she shook her head. “I don’t know, Harry. Once the marriage and Life-Debt was deemed null, the vows would have ended with it.”

Harry sighed and his shoulders slouched. “I had a feeling you’d say that.”

He flinched slightly when Hermione touched his arm.

“It will be all right, Harry. I just know it.” She smiled to re-assure him. “I’ll look everywhere. I promise.”

Harry nodded with a small sly grin. “I know you will.”

Harry began to laugh aloud as he watched her demeanor grow with excitement just at the prospect of studying. “Well, go on then before you explode.”

Hermione jumped up to her feet, kissed Harry on his forehead, and ran away as fast as she could, trying hard not to trip or fall in the process.

“I promise I’ll find something, Harry!” Hermione yelled over her shoulder. “I'll be back soon!”

Harry laughed harder, watching her disappear around the building.

“Find something amusing, Potter?” came a familiar drawl.

Harry jumped from where he was sitting, and fell to the side, landing on his hip.

“Shit, Malfoy! You damn near gave me a heart attack!"

Draco smirked.


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