Proof of Life

Apprehension



It was late afternoon when Severus finally finished his Herbology reading for the day. He didn\'t have questions yet, but he took detailed notes, and placed the small notebook in the inner pocket of his robe, intending to review what he\'d read in the evening. He shelved the books, and made his way downstairs. The pub was still closed, and Hannah was busy in the storeroom.



Severus saw Harry, sitting alone in the empty pub, reading a book of his own.



He stood in the doorway in absolute silence, looking at the dark-haired head bowed in intense concentration. For a few long moments he was almost achingly aware of every detail of Harry\'s appearance – from the slightly unfashionable frame of his glasses to the simple black robe, partially unbuttoned to reveal a dark red jumper that appeared to be a Mrs. Weasley creation. The black robe looked like it had seen better days – it had cat hair clinging to it, and bore scratch marks from Tripod\'s claws, but Harry didn\'t seem to mind. If anything, the young man appeared to be completely comfortable in his own skin – just the way Severus suspected he himself could never be.



Seeing Harry so near was almost painful for some strange reason. Maybe because Severus still remembered and missed what it felt like waking up next to Harry – and finding comfort in his hands. Realistically, he knew that that particular sleeping arrangement wasn\'t something that could have – or should have – lasted forever, but for now, he found himself secretly wishing that it had, even if it grew into something that meant more to him than it could ever mean to Harry.



Certainly, it shouldn\'t have meant so much to him that Harry would drop by and wait for him – but for the moment he simply stood quietly, trying to make sure that his breathing was even and regular before he dared to breach the silence.



“Potter,” he said finally, keeping his voice neutral and calm. Harry lifted his head.



“Hi,” Harry said with a slightly awkward smile. “I – uh, thought I\'d drop by.”



“Obviously,” Severus said dryly. “Why?”



“Well, I thought maybe you wanted to... go out for lunch, if you haven\'t eaten yet?” Harry posed the question very cautiously, as if the young wizard who effortlessly threw four Aurors and the Minister for Magic out of his house earlier today, was somehow intimidated by the prospect.



The thought of venturing into the streets of Diagon Alley and facing the crowds was utterly distasteful, but Harry was staring at him from above the rim of his glasses so hopefully that Severus found himself giving a small, reluctant nod.



Harry\'s smile broadened. “Brilliant,” he said. “There\'s a great place a few doors away. It\'s called Aunt Mary\'s. They have – well, you\'ll see. Unless you have something else in mind?”



Severus shook his head mutely. “Hannah, we\'re going!” Harry announced loudly, rising to his feet.



“Have a good day, both of you!” Hannah\'s voice replied from somewhere inside the storeroom. “We\'ll see you tomorrow, Severus.”



They left the Leaky Cauldron together, and stepped out into Diagon Alley. The September air was chilly and crisp, and Severus found himself shivering when the gush of autumn wind struck against him. Briefly and irrationally, Severus found himself longing for the warmth of Harry\'s hand on his back.



Harry cast a quick glance at him, and quickly took his robe off, offering it to Severus.



“Here,” Harry said quietly.



“No, thanks.”



“You want the jumper instead?” Harry offered, grinning playfully.



“Heaven forbid,” Severus said with absolute sincerity, and Harry chuckled quietly. For one blissful moment, Harry\'s fingers brushed against Severus\' shoulders, as Harry wrapped the second robe around him with almost parental care.



“It looks ridiculous,” Severus grumbled, but without conviction.



Harry chuckled quietly. “Ah come on now, my jumper isn\'t that bad.”



They walked the rest of the way in a companionable silence until they reached the cafe Harry had mentioned earlier. The hostess smiled at Harry warmly, gave Severus a quick, friendly nod, and placed the menus on the table.



“What would you like?” Harry asked.



“I don\'t know. Anything,” Severus said uncomfortably, feeling very much out of place. “Something cheap.”



Harry sighed and smiled ruefully. “I\'ll order for you then, if you don\'t mind.”



The waitress appeared again, and Harry placed the order while Severus continued to fidget with his robe.



The diner was warm, and Harry pulled his jumper off, hanging it on the back of the chair, revealing his usual dark cotton shirt underneath. Severus himself only pulled both robes tighter around himself, still feeling as if the chill from the quick walk through the streets had settled into his bones.



Harry was watching him with growing concern.



“You aren\'t getting sick on me, are you?” he asked quietly.



“No.”



“You\'re cold though,” Harry observed.



“Just a little,” Severus said with poorly concealed reluctance.



“You look uncomfortable,” Harry said. “What\'s wrong? You seemed fine at High Grounds back when we visited Hogsmeade...”



Severus winced slightly. He didn\'t know why he was fine then – and why it was so difficult to be seen in public now.



“I\'m fine,” Severus said sharply. “Potter, look, I appreciate this, but you don\'t need to go out of your way to entertain me.”



“I\'m not going out of my way to do anything,” Harry said quickly. “I just thought that doing something outside of the house would be a welcome change of pace.”



“All right,” Severus said softly.



“I also thought we\'d visit some shops on our way home,” Harry suggested. “You\'ve made some money lately, but you haven\'t bought anything.”



“I don\'t need anything,” Severus said.



“Not even at Slug and Jiggers?” Harry asked with a wry smile. “Come on, you\'ll probably want to try your hand at potions sometime soon. And... you can never have too many beetle eyes, or nundu claws.”



Severus sighed tiredly. “Why are you doing this, Potter?”



“I just thought it would be fun,” Harry said simply.



“Since when has visiting a place that smells like spoilt cabbage and staring at jars of ingredients that mean nothing to you, qualified as fun?”



Harry smiled ruefully. “Well... some of them mean something to me. If you must know, I still remember some random shit from school.”



Severus stared at him dubiously. “Like what?”



Harry grinned. “Like to never let Neville add porcupine quills to the potion while the cauldron is still on the fire.”



“I remember you didn\'t look too happy about acquiring that particular bit of valuable knowledge,” Severus felt the need to point out.



Harry shrugged. “I wasn\'t happy in any of your classes, to tell you the truth. But, in retrospect, the knowledge gained is probably more valuable than the points it cost us.”



“Probably?” Severus queried, feeling his lips twitching into a semi-amused smirk.



“All right, certainly,” Harry grumbled. “Don\'t push it, I\'m not going to start praising your teaching skills. You thrived on making the lot of us miserable...”



Severus winced at Harry\'s words, surprised by how much that remark stung, even after all these years.



“You think I enjoyed it?” Severus demanded bitterly. “You really think I enjoyed being angry all the time, and anticipating a disaster to strike at every turn, and trying to second-guess who, or what was going to claim your life – a convicted criminal, or a servant of the Dark Lord, or a Potions accident courtesy of Neville Longbottom?” Suddenly, he found himself short of breath, upset no end by Harry\'s flippant, teasing statement – probably because he had come to believe that Harry had come to understand him.



Across from him, Harry clutched his hands tightly and bit his lip, appearing deeply upset as well.



“I\'m sorry,” Harry said quietly. “I really am. I was trying to tease you, but that was stupid. I know it was a stressful time for you, and... war doesn\'t bring out the best in people. I also understand that to practise Occlumency at the level that you did, you needed to... adopt a certain persona and... I know that couldn\'t have been enjoyable in any way. So... I\'m sorry.”



“It\'s all right,” Severus said gruffly, feeling embarrassed by his own outburst.



“No, it\'s not,” Harry said, still visibly distressed. “I...”



“Enough. Let\'s change the subject, please,” Severus cut him off. “Slug and Jiggers it is. We can go there after lunch.”



“Really?”



“Really,” Severus said, enjoying the cautious smile finding its way back to Harry\'s lips.



“Speaking of shopping, I – uh, have something for you,” Harry said, reaching into the pocket of his trousers and producing a small access key that held the Gringotts seal on it. “This is for my account, in case – well, in case you want to buy something,” Harry explained.



“Excuse me?” Severus asked, staring at the small object, almost certain that he\'d either misheard or misunderstood something.



“I inquired at Gringotts about setting up an independent account for you,” Harry explained. “They declined, said your legal status doesn\'t allow it. So...”



“I see,” Severus said in a barely audible voice, finding himself incredibly touched by this gesture. He still couldn\'t fathom anyone, even Harry, trusting him so implicitly with their personal resources. It was especially odd in the light of the fact that Severus was still not completely in his right mind at this point.



“You don\'t need to do that,” Severus said finally. “You could just wait until I want something and ask you for it...”



“Why?” Harry said softly. “It\'s not like I\'d ever say no to you.”



More than slightly startled by Harry\'s statement, Severus lifted his eyes and saw that Harry was blushing profusely, shifting in his chair uncomfortably, as if he\'d made a terrible blunder, and didn\'t know how to correct it.



“I meant...” Harry stammered self-consciously, “that...”



“You meant that you do not anticipate me having extravagant spending habits,” Severus supplied calmly, eager to alleviate Harry\'s obvious discomfort.



Harry nodded vigorously. “Right. Exactly.”



Just then the waitress reappeared, balancing a tray with two glasses of red wine and two plates, each holding what looked like steak fillets, with a side of roasted potatoes.



“What is it?” Severus asked.



“It\'s, uh, filet mignon, they do it really well here,” Harry said warily, appearing to be gauging Severus\' reaction and waiting to be scolded for a needlessly elaborate meal.



Deciding that they had had enough awkwardness to last them for the rest of the day, Severus simply said, “Looks very good.”



For a few minutes they ate in silence. When the first sip of the red wine hit his palette, Severus couldn\'t help but smile in astonishment at how wonderful it tasted. Harry noticed his expression and smiled as well.



“So... how was work today?” Harry finally broached the silence.



“I\'m afraid I won\'t have any income for a while,” Severus said. “Neville was fired from his job.”



Harry\'s mouth opened wide in shock.



“Really? Just because he was helping search Hogwarts?”



Severus frowned. “Yes, I imagine the Board members weren\'t impressed with him being a part of the team of vigilantes, turning the school inside out, in the attempt to clear my name.” Severus shook his head disdainfully and turned his attention to the food.



“Gah,” Harry spat irritably. “And he didn\'t say anything to me! They\'re always like that,” Harry complained. “Both him and Hannah. Stubborn as hell. Never say anything if they\'re having a problem...” Harry stopped in mid-sentence and shook his head ruefully. “So what is he going to do now?”



“He\'s going to try and start his own business. He wants me to assist him.”



“Really?” Harry said excitedly. “That\'s a great idea. You\'re going to help him then?”



“I suppose,” Severus said unenthusiastically, finding it close to impossible to share Harry\'s optimism.



“Well, if Herbology doesn\'t agree with you, maybe you can help me with some research of my own. I want to pick out some books on Dark Arts and start researching the magic associated with the Dark Mark. With the Mark spreading throughout the Underground, I want to try and understand what\'s going on and how they\'re doing it. Especially since it\'s supposed to be theoretically impossible...”



Severus lowered his eyes.



“What\'s wrong?” Harry asked, noticing his discomfort.



“I don\'t know if I\'ll be able to help as much as you anticipate. I...” he struggled slightly before saying reluctantly, “I don\'t know that I can... function at the same level as before, Potter.”



Across the table from him, Harry froze slightly, processing his statement in silence. Severus himself sat absolutely motionless, wondering if he\'d said enough to earn an accusation of ingratitude, or self-pity.



Eventually, Harry spoke up.



“We\'ll just have to wait and see,” Harry said. “You might surprise yourself.”



~ * ~



After lunch, they went to the aforementioned shops together. Harry ended up spending a small fortune on books on Dark Arts, buying everything that Severus suggested, and placing an order for rare books that the book shop didn\'t have, but could order from abroad.



When they reached Slugs and Jiggers, Severus found himself simply standing in the middle of the shop, while Harry scanned the shelves, and softly made one suggestion after another. Severus waited patiently, his arms folded on his chest, barely listening to Harry, while the tension at the sight of the familiar ingredients and equipment continued to mount, until it turned into an outright panic – one that was rivalled only by his panicked state the second day of his rescue, when Harry had asked him to read for the first time. A part of him did want to pick up some things and give brewing a go, but Severus wasn\'t sure if he could still trust his mind, trust his eyesight, or his hands to do so. And, perhaps it was a cowardly way to conduct affairs, but he wasn\'t prepared to find out just how much he\'d lost – not just yet.



“I can\'t,” Severus not quite said, but breathed out in Harry\'s direction. “I need to get out of here.”



Harry nodded quickly, and led the way out, appearing completely unconcerned by how their abrupt departure looked to the shop owner.



Once they were outside, Severus let out a deep breath and leaned against the wall of the shop, taking a minute to get his runaway emotions under control. He cast a cautious glance at Harry, scanning his face for any sign of disapproval, or irritation – but Harry simply waited for him, and ... that was it.



“Look,” Harry said softly, once they began walking away from the shop, heading back to the Leaky Cauldron. “About functioning at the same level as before... I don\'t think anyone can function on that level – like you did during the Second War. Frankly, I don\'t know how you did it. I know you have high expectations of yourself – but... please, try not to be stressed about it. Just try to be happy.”



“That sounds incredibly self-indulgent,” Severus pointed out, not really in the mood to start another argument, but not knowing how else to respond to Harry\'s statement.



Harry grinned remorselessly. “You know what? I think that\'s exactly what you should do. Just indulge yourself for a very long time, and simply do whatever you feel like.”



To Be Continued...