The Death of a Soul
folder
Harry Potter AU/AR › Slash - Male/Male
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
41
Views:
55,506
Reviews:
335
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
1
Category:
Harry Potter AU/AR › Slash - Male/Male
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
41
Views:
55,506
Reviews:
335
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
1
Disclaimer:
I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
Chapter Thirty Eight
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Chapter Thirty Eight
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Severus Snape was pacing back and forth in his room. Yesterday’s counseling session didn’t go well at all, and today’s was worse. He was getting so tired of being asked if he loved Harry. Of course he loved Harry, and he didn’t understand why Graham didn’t believe him, and why he kept asking him.
What did Graham expect him to remember? That Harry was an infantile brat before he was married? Of course he knew that. But after they were married Harry was…
Severus stopped pacing. He clenched his hands into fist and growled. He knew what Harry was. Harry was…
“Argh!”
Severus started pacing again. No. He wouldn’t let Graham to get to him. He wouldn’t let Graham convince him that Harry wasn’t a good man. That Harry was angry. Well… Harry was angry but that was only because… because…
He was a child who wouldn’t accept his responsibilities! If he had, Harry would have been happy! Severus had told Graham that! Over and over again. But since Harry had decided to fight him… Well, it was Harry’s own fault! Not his! Severus could see how unhappy Harry was, but Severus had tried to help Harry. He tried! But Harry was just too stubborn! He wanted to act like a child, so Severus treated him like one!
Severus stopped pacing and sat on his cot. He stared at the wall and scowled.
He hated admitting that he was angry at Harry. He wasn’t supposed to be mad at Harry. Harry is his husband and a husband is supposed to love you unconditionally. And what Severus loved most about Harry was… was…
That bloody healer! It’s all his fault for putting such doubtful suggestions into Severus’s mind.
Severus went to bed angry that night.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Harry thrust one last time, stilled, and emptied himself completely before pushing back, and carelessly shoving Severus sideways. Severus stumbled at the unexpected move, and landed on his hip with a soft thud. He looked up at Harry, surprised. The young wizard was fully dressed, and stood over him, arms casually crossed in front. He was leering down at Severus with an evil smirk playing on his lips. Severus stared back, brows crunched in confusion. Harry bent down, and loomed over him, inches away from his face.
“So tell me, Severus,” he said, smiling wickedly. “Did you enjoy that? Tell me honestly now.”
Instantly, Severus’s expression turned cold. “No,” he said flatly.
“No?” Harry echoed, raising his eyebrows in mock concern. “At all?” But before Severus had a chance to answer, Harry knelt before him, and stroked his jaw with his fingertips. “But you tried, didn’t you, Severus?”
Severus barely nodded.
Harry looked at him with a mock pout. “Did you feel lonely, Severus? Cold? Empty?” He paused to emphasise, “Angry?” His voice was now bitter.
“Yes,” Snape snarled.
Harry smiled and stood up. “Good.”
Severus stared at him, stunned.
“I wanted you to know how I feel each and every time you touch me,” Harry sneered. “Each time we fuck. And no matter how hard you tried to please me, I still feel empty, cold. And angry.”
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Severus woke up furious.
Fucking Harry Potter.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
“And how are you doing today, Severus?”
“I’m fine,” Severus scowled.
Healer Graham tilted his head to the side and frowned.
“You don’t seem fine.”
“I’m fine,” Severus insisted with a sneer.
“You seem angry,” Graham said, still frowning.
“I said I’m fine!” Severus snapped.
“Yes, I heard you. But I don’t believe you. Why are you so angry?”
Silence.
“Severus?”
“If you must know, I’m angry at you!”
Healer Graham’s brows furrowed. “Me? Why are you angry at me?”
Severus stayed silent a moment before blurting out, “Because it’s all your fault!”
“I’m not sure I’m following you, Severus. What is my fault?”
“If you hadn’t been corrupting my mind with such negative and persuasive suggestions, I wouldn’t be having nightmares!”
Healer Graham sat back in his chair, looking genuinely concerned.
“You had another nightmare?”
“What do you mean ‘another’?” Severus asked, surprised.
“Severus, you have been having nightmares now for several weeks.”
“I have not!” Severus insisted. He searched Graham’s eyes for deception. There was none. “How do you know this? Have you been watching me while I slept?” Severus asked, appalled.
“Of course. I have been watching you and Harry.”
“You have been watching Harry? How he is doing?” Severus quickly asked.
Healer Graham shook his head slowly. “Not so well. He has been having nightmares, as well.”
Severus looked down at his lap. “Oh,” was all he could say.
“Severus, would you care to share with me your dream?”
Severus looked back up. “No, I would not,” he said angrily. He looked away and thought a moment. He glanced over to Graham and asked softly, “Does Harry tell you what his dreams are about?”
“Of course.”
“And?”
“They are always about you,” Graham said simply.
Severus sat there quietly, and stared at the wall behind Healer Graham.
“What do you dream about, Severus?”
Severus gritted his teeth.
“Harry?”
“Yes!” Severus snapped.
Graham nodded. “Are they always nightmares?”
“No, they are always so wonderful,” Severus drawled.
“Are they memories?”
Severus was silent again.
“Severus. Are they--”
“Yes! Are you proud of yourself now?”
“Proud? I don’t understand.”
“If it hadn’t been for you, I wouldn’t have been remembering!”
“Remembering what?”
“Remembering how much he had angered me! Remembering how much I…I…”
“Hate him?” Healer Graham asked.
“Yes!” Severus shouted, but then quickly added, “I mean no! No, I don’t hate him!”
“Of course not.”
“Do not mock me, Healer. I don’t hate him. I just…”
“Do not love him?” Graham offered.
“I did not say that!”
Healer Graham nodded sympathetically.
Severus looked away and growled, “You bastard.”
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
“How are you doing today, Harry?”
Harry pulled his legs up tight and wrapped his arms around them. He half-shrugged. “All right, I guess,” he said softly.
“Did you have another bad dream”?
Harry shrugged again. “Sort of.”
“Care to tell me?”
Harry looked away and blushed.
“Was it about Severus again?”
Harry didn’t look at Alexander but he nodded.
“What was he doing to you?”
Harry worried his bottom lip and then swallowed. “Nothing,” he whispered.
“You were doing something to him?”
Harry bowed his head and nodded.
“Would you share it with me?”
Harry shook his head.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
“You seem quiet today, Severus. Are you all right?”
“Yes.”
“You look as if something is on your mind. Would you share it with me?”
“I…” Severus looked at his hands resting in his lap. “I was wondering when I would be able to see Harry.”
“I see. And what would you say to him?”
Severus closed his eyes. “I would like to tell him that I am sorry.”
“For what?”
Severus’s jaw clenched.
“What are you sorry for, Severus?”
Severus’s head snapped up. “You know what!”
“Tell me.”
“I want to say it to Harry,” Severus said shortly.
“Tell me first.”
Severus pursed his lips tight.
“Severus, if you cannot say it to me, how will you be able to say it to him?”
Severus growled in his throat.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
“No! I can’t!”
“Harry, the time has come to face him.”
“No! Why do I have to?”
“Harry, we’ve been over this several times. It’s part of your healing process.”
Harry hugged himself. “I can’t,” he whispered.
“What are you afraid of, Harry? He won’t hurt you. I won’t let him.”
“I know.”
“Then why? Tell me.”
Harry turned angry. “Because I’d fucking kill him!”
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
“Severus, I feel I must warn you. Harry is still very angry with you.”
“I know that,” Severus quipped.
“I’m asking you not to do anything that will upset him further.”
Severus sighed. “I understand.”
“Do you?”
“Yes,” Severus said calmly, and then he looked at Healer Graham and frowned. “Just tell me one thing.”
“Of course.”
“Are you doing this for me or for Harry?
“For both of you.”
“Why?”
“Because you both need healing.”
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Harry looked away briefly, and then took a deep breath to calm himself. He was so nervous. Finally, he turned back to Healer Graham and nodded. Alexander smiled warmly and nodded in return.
“You will do fine, Harry.”
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Alexander escorted Harry to the entrance of Severus’s room, and assured Harry again that it would be all right. Harry watched him leave, and then faced the closed door.
Harry took a deep breath and let it out slowly. He reached out to open the door.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Chapter Thirty Eight
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Severus Snape was pacing back and forth in his room. Yesterday’s counseling session didn’t go well at all, and today’s was worse. He was getting so tired of being asked if he loved Harry. Of course he loved Harry, and he didn’t understand why Graham didn’t believe him, and why he kept asking him.
What did Graham expect him to remember? That Harry was an infantile brat before he was married? Of course he knew that. But after they were married Harry was…
Severus stopped pacing. He clenched his hands into fist and growled. He knew what Harry was. Harry was…
“Argh!”
Severus started pacing again. No. He wouldn’t let Graham to get to him. He wouldn’t let Graham convince him that Harry wasn’t a good man. That Harry was angry. Well… Harry was angry but that was only because… because…
He was a child who wouldn’t accept his responsibilities! If he had, Harry would have been happy! Severus had told Graham that! Over and over again. But since Harry had decided to fight him… Well, it was Harry’s own fault! Not his! Severus could see how unhappy Harry was, but Severus had tried to help Harry. He tried! But Harry was just too stubborn! He wanted to act like a child, so Severus treated him like one!
Severus stopped pacing and sat on his cot. He stared at the wall and scowled.
He hated admitting that he was angry at Harry. He wasn’t supposed to be mad at Harry. Harry is his husband and a husband is supposed to love you unconditionally. And what Severus loved most about Harry was… was…
That bloody healer! It’s all his fault for putting such doubtful suggestions into Severus’s mind.
Severus went to bed angry that night.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Harry thrust one last time, stilled, and emptied himself completely before pushing back, and carelessly shoving Severus sideways. Severus stumbled at the unexpected move, and landed on his hip with a soft thud. He looked up at Harry, surprised. The young wizard was fully dressed, and stood over him, arms casually crossed in front. He was leering down at Severus with an evil smirk playing on his lips. Severus stared back, brows crunched in confusion. Harry bent down, and loomed over him, inches away from his face.
“So tell me, Severus,” he said, smiling wickedly. “Did you enjoy that? Tell me honestly now.”
Instantly, Severus’s expression turned cold. “No,” he said flatly.
“No?” Harry echoed, raising his eyebrows in mock concern. “At all?” But before Severus had a chance to answer, Harry knelt before him, and stroked his jaw with his fingertips. “But you tried, didn’t you, Severus?”
Severus barely nodded.
Harry looked at him with a mock pout. “Did you feel lonely, Severus? Cold? Empty?” He paused to emphasise, “Angry?” His voice was now bitter.
“Yes,” Snape snarled.
Harry smiled and stood up. “Good.”
Severus stared at him, stunned.
“I wanted you to know how I feel each and every time you touch me,” Harry sneered. “Each time we fuck. And no matter how hard you tried to please me, I still feel empty, cold. And angry.”
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Severus woke up furious.
Fucking Harry Potter.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
“And how are you doing today, Severus?”
“I’m fine,” Severus scowled.
Healer Graham tilted his head to the side and frowned.
“You don’t seem fine.”
“I’m fine,” Severus insisted with a sneer.
“You seem angry,” Graham said, still frowning.
“I said I’m fine!” Severus snapped.
“Yes, I heard you. But I don’t believe you. Why are you so angry?”
Silence.
“Severus?”
“If you must know, I’m angry at you!”
Healer Graham’s brows furrowed. “Me? Why are you angry at me?”
Severus stayed silent a moment before blurting out, “Because it’s all your fault!”
“I’m not sure I’m following you, Severus. What is my fault?”
“If you hadn’t been corrupting my mind with such negative and persuasive suggestions, I wouldn’t be having nightmares!”
Healer Graham sat back in his chair, looking genuinely concerned.
“You had another nightmare?”
“What do you mean ‘another’?” Severus asked, surprised.
“Severus, you have been having nightmares now for several weeks.”
“I have not!” Severus insisted. He searched Graham’s eyes for deception. There was none. “How do you know this? Have you been watching me while I slept?” Severus asked, appalled.
“Of course. I have been watching you and Harry.”
“You have been watching Harry? How he is doing?” Severus quickly asked.
Healer Graham shook his head slowly. “Not so well. He has been having nightmares, as well.”
Severus looked down at his lap. “Oh,” was all he could say.
“Severus, would you care to share with me your dream?”
Severus looked back up. “No, I would not,” he said angrily. He looked away and thought a moment. He glanced over to Graham and asked softly, “Does Harry tell you what his dreams are about?”
“Of course.”
“And?”
“They are always about you,” Graham said simply.
Severus sat there quietly, and stared at the wall behind Healer Graham.
“What do you dream about, Severus?”
Severus gritted his teeth.
“Harry?”
“Yes!” Severus snapped.
Graham nodded. “Are they always nightmares?”
“No, they are always so wonderful,” Severus drawled.
“Are they memories?”
Severus was silent again.
“Severus. Are they--”
“Yes! Are you proud of yourself now?”
“Proud? I don’t understand.”
“If it hadn’t been for you, I wouldn’t have been remembering!”
“Remembering what?”
“Remembering how much he had angered me! Remembering how much I…I…”
“Hate him?” Healer Graham asked.
“Yes!” Severus shouted, but then quickly added, “I mean no! No, I don’t hate him!”
“Of course not.”
“Do not mock me, Healer. I don’t hate him. I just…”
“Do not love him?” Graham offered.
“I did not say that!”
Healer Graham nodded sympathetically.
Severus looked away and growled, “You bastard.”
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
“How are you doing today, Harry?”
Harry pulled his legs up tight and wrapped his arms around them. He half-shrugged. “All right, I guess,” he said softly.
“Did you have another bad dream”?
Harry shrugged again. “Sort of.”
“Care to tell me?”
Harry looked away and blushed.
“Was it about Severus again?”
Harry didn’t look at Alexander but he nodded.
“What was he doing to you?”
Harry worried his bottom lip and then swallowed. “Nothing,” he whispered.
“You were doing something to him?”
Harry bowed his head and nodded.
“Would you share it with me?”
Harry shook his head.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
“You seem quiet today, Severus. Are you all right?”
“Yes.”
“You look as if something is on your mind. Would you share it with me?”
“I…” Severus looked at his hands resting in his lap. “I was wondering when I would be able to see Harry.”
“I see. And what would you say to him?”
Severus closed his eyes. “I would like to tell him that I am sorry.”
“For what?”
Severus’s jaw clenched.
“What are you sorry for, Severus?”
Severus’s head snapped up. “You know what!”
“Tell me.”
“I want to say it to Harry,” Severus said shortly.
“Tell me first.”
Severus pursed his lips tight.
“Severus, if you cannot say it to me, how will you be able to say it to him?”
Severus growled in his throat.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
“No! I can’t!”
“Harry, the time has come to face him.”
“No! Why do I have to?”
“Harry, we’ve been over this several times. It’s part of your healing process.”
Harry hugged himself. “I can’t,” he whispered.
“What are you afraid of, Harry? He won’t hurt you. I won’t let him.”
“I know.”
“Then why? Tell me.”
Harry turned angry. “Because I’d fucking kill him!”
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
“Severus, I feel I must warn you. Harry is still very angry with you.”
“I know that,” Severus quipped.
“I’m asking you not to do anything that will upset him further.”
Severus sighed. “I understand.”
“Do you?”
“Yes,” Severus said calmly, and then he looked at Healer Graham and frowned. “Just tell me one thing.”
“Of course.”
“Are you doing this for me or for Harry?
“For both of you.”
“Why?”
“Because you both need healing.”
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Harry looked away briefly, and then took a deep breath to calm himself. He was so nervous. Finally, he turned back to Healer Graham and nodded. Alexander smiled warmly and nodded in return.
“You will do fine, Harry.”
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Alexander escorted Harry to the entrance of Severus’s room, and assured Harry again that it would be all right. Harry watched him leave, and then faced the closed door.
Harry took a deep breath and let it out slowly. He reached out to open the door.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~