The Death of a Soul

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Chapter Thirty Seven

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Healer Alexander Graham sat back in his chair and pinched his nose between his eyes. It had been a long three months of counseling with Severus. In some ways Severus had progressed quite a bit, but in other ways… Well, it just didn’t seem as if Alexander was making any kind of impact on Severus, or his way of looking at things. He was convinced that Severus was secretly suppressing his obsession for Harry, and he had become very good at hiding it.

With Harry, it had not been so difficult. Once he had the support from his friends, he had progressed even further. He was almost becoming himself again. Although, there was still a dark cloud hovering over his head, and at times it seemed as if Harry was in his own world, locked away in his mind. But, Alexander knew that from what everything Harry had gone through, it didn’t really surprise him. There would always be a part of Harry that will never be the same. The main thing that troubled Alexander about Harry, though, was if Harry would ever be comfortable enough with anyone to talk about sex. Let alone if Harry could even be capable of having a normal sexual relationship. Alexander wondered if it was even possible. He supposed only time would tell.

Alexander stretched his arms over his head before returning back to Severus’s file that lay out in front of him. As he thumbed through all of his notes, he started thinking back on what Severus and he had accomplished. The first two months were the hardest for Severus and Alexander alike. For Alexander, it became frustrating to hear Severus repeat the same things over and over again. For Severus, Alexander knew it had to have been frustrating for him to hear Alexander repeat the same questions over and over again.

Fortunately, Alexander finally prevailed with certain topics, once Severus finally realised that the only way to stop the incessant questions was to tell the truth. Well, it was that along with the hollow threat Alexander made of administering Veritaserum to Severus. After that, Severus had been a little more co-operative.

One of the first goals Alexander wanted to achieve was to have Severus remember what Harry was like before the Life-Debt/marriage, and how Harry had only changed for the worse. Instead of being an infantile brat, as Severus had once called him, Harry had changed into a bitter, uncaring, shell of a man. Alexander had to break this illusion of Harry being the loving husband that Severus had been clinging to. Of course, what that meant to Alexander was that he would finally get to the heart of Severus’s obsession.

Another goal of Alexander's was once the illusion had been broken, he wanted Severus to see Harry as a person. Someone with feelings. Someone who was not only angry at Severus, but had been angry at the whole world. And that it was Severus who had caused this hatred in Harry. But most of all, Alexander wanted Severus to take responsibility for his actions. That, Alexander knew, would be asking too much from Severus, and quite possibly im-possible. But it was a goal of Alexander's just the same.

And so, instead of dwelling on what would not be discussed for some time, Alexander began with simpler issues. For starters, Alexander wanted Severus to reveal what was the basic reason he had asked for the Life-Debt in the first place. At the beginning of the counseling, Severus had been adamant that he had saved Harry. However, when Alexander had pointed out that even though Severus had intended to save Harry, he, in fact, did not. Alexander was smart enough to quickly deviate from their ongoing argument by rephrasing the question.

Alexander asked Severus that if he had saved Harry’s life, why of all things did he choose a marriage of convenience? The Life-Debt to protect both of them was understandable, but a marriage? Why? It took several days – weeks in fact - before Severus had finally hinted why. He had chosen a marriage of convenience for his own selfish reasons.

Through Severus’s vague answers, Alexander had determined that Severus had felt that he had been denied the respect that he had thought he had deserved. So, in Severus’s eyes, by marrying the famous Harry Potter, he would not only gain respect from the Wizarding World, but it would also give him a higher status, and not be known as a half-blood – although the Wizarding World did not know this.

One thing Severus had admitted to was his anger towards James Potter, and the marriage would be his revenge of all of the tortures James and the others had inflicted upon him. To Alexander, it was quite odd that Severus hadn’t realised what he had just confessed to; he had just contradicted his ongoing proclamations of his love toward Harry, and how that was one of the main reasons for marrying him. Perhaps with confessions such as those, it wouldn’t be so hard after all to get Severus to see the ‘real’ Harry.

Unfortunately, however, it was clear to Alexander that one other reason why Severus chose marriage was because Severus had longed for power, and to have Harry Potter in his control was just too tempting.

Alexander had continued on with the discussion of the Life-Debt, but this time it was in reference to Voldemort, and the fact that Voldemort had been killed. At first, Severus avoided the question, but with persistence from Alexander, Severus had confessed that he wasn’t really concerned with that trivial fact. In his eyes, there had been no evidence and no body. Not to mention the fact that Harry did not remember what had happen. It was then that Alexander quickly reminded Severus that he had concocted a potion that would erase Harry's memory for good.

Severus immediately changed the subject.

Alexander decided to take a chance and bring up Harry. Instantly, Severus’s demeanor had changed. He appeared confident, and looked as if he knew that nothing Alexander could say to him would change his mind about how he felt about Harry. But Alexander watched Severus closely, and he could tell that Severus was hiding a slight discomfort. Even though Severus sat tall in his chair with his chest prominently sticking out, his leg bounced every now and then, and his eyes twitched.

Carefully, Alexander began by asking how Severus had felt when Harry outright refused to sign the Life-Debt, and he even had gone so far as to risk going to Azkaban over it. Severus naturally became angry, and went into another lecture about how Harry did not own up to his responsibilities, and that Harry was a self-centered, spoiled child. When Severus had completed his ranting, Alexander asked him once again how Severus, or anyone else for that matter, would want to marry someone like that.

Again, Severus changed the subject.

After several sessions later, when the topic came up once again, Severus had actually admitted that he had felt insulted, felt angry and yes, even had felt rejected by Harry's refusal. Severus also confessed that it was at that point when he had realised that the only way Harry would be able to accept the Life-Debt/marriage, was to have Severus be as accommodating as possible. He knew that he was never going to win Harry over with anger.

This was the opportunity Alexander had been patiently waiting for. The question of what exactly did Severus do that was so accommodating?

Instead of jumping into the question straightaway, Alexander started off gradually. First he had brought up Ginny Weasley, and that she, and Harry’s love for her, would certainly have been an obstacle if Severus was trying to ‘win Harry over’. Had Severus really not have known that they were serious? Strangely, Severus didn’t mind admitting that yes, he had known, and that it was of no concern of his. Harry had a responsibility and that was that. Severus also had no problem in confessing that it had been him that was behind the decision to remove Ginny from Hogwarts. Not her father.

From there, Alexander quickly shifted the topic to Harry’s sexuality and the fact that he was a heterosexual. Alexander listened to Severus adamantly explain that Harry being a heterosexual was completely irrelevant, and it was never an issue to Severus. Not only would Harry not have a choice in the matter, but Harry would have to accept it as his duty as Severus’s husband. Being a heterosexual was no excuse. Alexander hoped that his feeling of revulsion was not showing on his face.

Casting that thought aside for now, Alexander questioned Severus regarding his sexuality, and when he first knew that he was a homosexual. Surprisingly, Severus was not in the least bit offended, nor did he seem embarrassed by the question. He seemed almost proud of the fact that, not only he had been a homosexual for as long as he could remember, but that he was highly skilled as a lover. In fact, so skilled and so confident that Severus also had no problem in boasting that one of the things Severus had been ‘required’ to do whilst he had worked under Voldemort as a spy, was to obtain vital information from the enemy - or whoever else Voldemort had chosen - using sex as a weapon.

Although it probably looked as if Alexander was nodding with understanding, he was actually nodding because everything now was beginning to make sense.

Because Severus was confident as a lover – it even bordered on narcissism – he had assumed that he could use his ‘skills’ on Harry, and Harry would be so over-whelmed by such an all-consuming pleasure, that it really wouldn’t make a difference if Harry was straight or not. It would be irrelevant; Harry would be drowning in ecstasy at the hands of Severus Snape.

But instead, when Harry had refused Severus’s advances, Severus’s arrogance of knowing he was such a skilled lover took over, and Harry had changed from being a spoiled brat into nothing more than a unobtainable challenge.

And so, as Alexander continued to listen to Severus, the answer to his long awaited un-answered question had arrived. He had finally discovered the heart of Severus’s obsession:

Harry had told him no to sex, and Severus was not used to being told no.

And so, the more Harry had refused Severus, the more Severus had wanted Harry. And soon it didn’t matter anymore to Severus about his selfish desires of greed, status, or even respect from the Wizarding World. It was now all about Harry.

Alexander mentally shook his head. All of this. Over a sexual conquest.

Alexander cleared his thoughts, and asked Severus about the one thing he thought for sure Severus had regretted: the wedding night. As expected, Severus gritted his teeth and clenched his fists. Clearly, this wasn’t a topic he wanted to discuss. Alexander waited patiently to see if Severus would elaborate. If he did not, Alexander would simply move on and come back to it later.

After a few tense moments, Severus had finally acknowledged that yes, he had regretted how the wedding night ‘events’ had turned out, but - just like every other topic they had been talking about - it had not been Severus’s fault. This time it had been Albus Dumbledore's. Severus stated matter of fact that Dumbledore should have been the one to explain everything to Harry in detail. Not him. It took all of Alexander’s will-power to look at Severus compassionately, and tell him as sincerely as he could, that it must have been so hard on Severus to have resorted to such brutality.

Inwardly, however, Alexander was absolutely repulsed. Just the thought of Harry being raped by this man… He couldn’t help but shudder at the horrible image.

Severus, however, did not look repulsed, nor did he act regretful. He still looked angry. When Alexander asked him about that, Severus went on again about how it had been Dumbledore's fault, and that if Harry would have co-operated in the first place, none of that would have happened. But Alexander refused to let this go. It was Severus who had raped Harry. Not Dumbledore and he was going to get Severus to see that one way or another.

So, he tried again.

“Yes, of course, it had to be done. The loss of both of your powers was at stake.”

Severus nodded curtly. “Exactly. I had no choice.”

“I couldn’t even begin to imagine what it must have been like for you.” Alexander paused. “Or Harry.”

Severus narrowed his eyes and sneered. “What was done was done,” he replied snidely.

“Yes, that’s true,” Alexander said softly. He shook his head slowly. “Poor Harry. To be introduced to sex in that manner.”

Severus’s nose was flaring as he breathed in and out deeply.

Alexander didn’t meet Severus’s eyes, but he knew that Severus was burning holes into his skull with his hateful glare. When he looked up, his suspicions were confirmed. Alexander, however, ignored it and gave Severus a warm smile.

“But again, I know it must have been harder on you. Just to know that you were the one--”

“Yes, I was!” Severus shouted. “I had raped my husband! Isn’t that what you wanted to hear? Isn’t that why you have been going on and on about it? To hear me say that I had raped him?” he screamed.

“I was only trying to be--”

“No, you weren’t! You were… you are trying to get me to admit that I am a rapist! Well, I won’t do it! I did what I had to do! I. Had. No. CHOICE! Do you not understand that?”

Alexander sat back in his chair, and calmly folded his hands in his lap.

“Now, are you going to drop this or not?” Severus barked. When silence was Severus’s only answer, he yelled, “What? What more do you want from me?”

Alexander looked him long and hard before leaning forward and transferred his folded hands onto his desk.

“What I would like, Severus, is for you to acknowledge that that night had a very profound effect on Harry.”

“I know that!”

Alexander barely shook his head. “No, I don’t believe you do. That night had completely destroyed Harry, and he has never fully recovered.”

“And how do you know that?” Severus snapped.

A small satisfied smile crossed Alexander's lips. “Because he told me.”

Severus inhaled sharply, and then the silence that had followed suffocated the room. Neither one spoke for several minutes. They both remained where they were, eyes locked onto one another, as if daring each other to be the first one to speak. It was only when Severus had nervously shifted in his seat that had broken the tension in the air. He looked away and frowned.

A few more seconds went by before Severus cleared his throat, and, still not meeting Alexander's eyes, he asked softly, “What do you want me to say?”

“I would like you to say that you are sorry,” Alexander replied firmly.

Severus shot a quick glance to Alexander, looked away again, and then nodded. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.

“Not to me, you arrogant bastard! To Harry!”

Severus jumped in his seat, and opened his mouth in shock.

“Do you not understand? It is Harry that is suffering! Not you! Do you honestly think that any of this is for you?” Alexander shouted.

“I-I…”

“I am doing this for Harry! The same man that you had abused for three months! Now get the hell out of my office before I do something that will earn me a ticket to Azkaban!”

As Severus nearly ran out of Alexander's office, Alexander closed his eyes and cursed silently. Damn Severus Snape. He was so close to learning about the bond.

Alexander winced and cursed silently again but this time it was aimed at himself. He should have never lost control like that. He knew better. He was supposed to be unbiased. In all his years as a Healer, he had been impartial. Alexander lowered his head and sighed sadly. He was ashamed of himself. He should have never got that emotionally involved with a patient. It was ruining his judgment.

He wondered if there was still a chance to rectify the situation. It might be months before Severus would confide in him again. But still…

There was a small part of Alexander that blamed Severus for his actions even though he knew he shouldn’t.

‘No,’ Alexander thought firmly. ‘I have no one to blame but myself.’


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It was two weeks before Alexander had called Severus back in his office to continue his counseling sessions. Surprisingly, Severus was very subdued. Alexander thought perhaps Severus would have had the time to collect himself and re-gain his anger. But apparently, Alexander's indignant behaviour, along with his short dismissal, had an effect on Severus.

Good.

Well, it wasn’t good in reference to Alexander’s inexcusable behaviour, but maybe Severus would be more receptive this time to answering his questions more honestly, directly, and more importantly, without any retribution.

Like before, Alexander sat behind his desk leafing through Severus’s file. However, this time, he wasn’t reading. He was testing Severus to see if he had really lost his anger, or if it was just biding its time. As the minutes slowly ticked by, Alexander knew it was the former.

Alexander straightened his notes, and then filed them in his desk drawer. He finally drew his attention to Severus, who had been patiently waiting for him to finish. Alexander was going to start, but it was Severus who had spoken first.

“I would like to apologise to you, Healer Graham, for my behaviour the other week. My anger was unwarranted.”

Alexander paused a moment before replying. He wanted to give the impression that he was considering whether to accept it or not.

Finally, Alexander nodded. “Thank you, Severus. And I wish to apologise to you, as well.” He didn’t feel the need to elaborate because truthfully, he really didn’t want to go into specifics just to have the whole thing rehashed.

“Today, I would like to focus on Harry again.”

Severus cringed slightly, but nodded his consent.

“I had asked you in the beginning about your consideration towards Harry’s feelings, but today, I would like to discuss yours.”

Severus frowned in confusion.

“Oh, we will be talking about Harry today, it’s just that I would like to start with you,” Alexander clarified.

“Very well,” Severus replied skeptically.

Alexander smiled. “No need to be concerned, Severus. They will be simple questions.”

Again, Severus nodded.

“When the trial was over,” Alexander began, and he had noticed how Severus’s jaw had tightened. He ignored it and continued on as if he didn’t see it. “And the contract was signed; it must have been a huge relief on your part.”

“Yes,” Severus answered slowly.

“Harry had finally owned up to his responsibilities, and things were going smoothly.”

It was a statement, but Alexander knew that it sounded more like a question.

“I wouldn’t go that far, no,” Severus replied.

“Harry was still rebelling,” Alexander simply said.

“Yes,” Severus remarked with a hint of annoyance.

Alexander nodded in understanding. “It must have been frustrating for you to think you had everything in order, but Harry was still making things difficult.” Without giving Severus a chance to respond, Alexander kept going. “And the embarrassment you must have felt at your own wedding. I know if it had been me, I would have been very angry.”

Alexander could tell Severus was grinding his teeth but he did not answer.

Alexander leaned forward in his chair. “It’s all right, Severus, to admit you were angry. No one will hold it against you.”

There was a long pause, enough for Severus to think about it.

“Yes. I was angry,” he replied resolutely.

Alexander nodded again. “I don’t blame you at all.” Suddenly, Alexander tsked. “And to see how Harry had carried on the way he did. Long after you two were wed.”

“What’s your point?” Severus quipped.

Alexander sighed. “I just don’t understand how you could have possibly been so understanding. He surely would have been a constant irritation to you. To have such a negative person around you day in and day out. Again, I don’t understand how you had managed it.”

“Like I had said before, I handled it,” Severus grit out.

“Yes, I can see that.” Alexander paused again. “Severus, I’m curious. Was Harry ever happy whilst you were together?” he asked earnestly.

Severus remained silent.

“Severus, please disregard what I had said before. I really am trying to help you. I was only frustrated because you wouldn’t talk to me. I want you to trust me.”

Severus laughed hollowly. “Trust you? When have you ever gave me any reason to trust you?” he snapped.

“I’m sorry you feel that way, Severus,” Alexander said sincerely. “If I had not cared, wouldn’t you have thought that I would’ve dismissed you, and recommended you be placed in Azkaban?”

Severus snorted. “You wouldn’t do that. You wouldn’t do that to Harry. Because you still don’t know how the bond would affect him,” he said smugly.

“Yes, that’s true,” Alexander said nodding. “But however you may feel, I do care about your well-being. If I did not, you wouldn’t be here in counseling.”

“You are only keeping me here because you want to know how to release the bond,” Severus spat.

“I will admit that is one reason, but there are other reasons, as well.”

“Like what?” Severus asked shortly.

Alexander leaned forward to make his point. “I want to know how you could have possibly loved someone who didn’t love you in return. I want to know what you saw in him. He never treated you well, Severus. He never cared for you. And do not sit there and give me some hogwash about you loving him simply because he was your husband,” Alexander retorted. “So tell me what was so special about Harry, Severus? Tell me what was there to love?”

“He… he…”

“Did you have enjoyable conversations? Did you laugh together? Did you even do anything together aside from sex?” Alexander demanded.

Severus sat in silence, gripping the arms of the chair.

Alexander glanced at the mantel clock. “We will resume this conversation tomorrow. In the meantime, I want you to think about what I said. And I want you to come up with a logical reason of why you loved him at all.”

Severus still remained quiet.

“That will be all, Severus. Have a good night.”


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