The Pains of Becoming

Chapter starts further down!

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Ari:

Wow! Thank you so much for that! What great words to hear! (or read rather). It is not only great for the ego (cough), it is really nice to hear that someone else enjoys my fantasies as much as me. –And that after years of growing up and thinking it is all a bit ill.



And thank you for pointing out the blooper! –I suppose these things happen if you have a too big gap between writing. When I wrote chapter 32 I imagined it to be a medallion on a leather band. In the next chapter it had changed in my head to a chain. Sorry about that. I changed it now.

Also thanks for offering beta help! But as you can see Pensieve Plotter is on it at amazing speed just now. And it hurts me to say there are not many more updates to come since this story is running to an end.

I hope the ending is not going to bumpy. It was very tricky to write for it all to make sense. But more about that later, since this is not the ending just yet!



Pensieve Plotter, my dear:

Just check Cookie’s work here at AIFF. She has written some amazing stories!



Kirsty would indeed have been saver in the common room, or at least, somewhere where she was not alone. But you need to put into account that Kirsty would do anything to get back to Lucius if she realised he was in the school. She would hex her roommates, she would trick anyone in the way only to get to him. So they decided to put her somewhere where she could not get out and no one except house elves could get in. –Lucius could get in and out with Dobby’s help, and that is something Snape and Dumbledore did not think of.



And no, of course Snape did not mean it when he said he would kill her with his bare hands. He distrusts her very much at this point and he is paranoid to make a fool of himself. With this line he is just warning her that if she is playing a trick on him to get his intimate attention again he is going to be very very angry. –I think he is very worried to be tricked by her, you could even say he is a bit afraid of her. After all she had finally managed to make him loose his control and sleep with her. –Self control is so important to him, of course he is angry with her that she managed that, he is even more angry with himself of course that a little girl gives him such problems. And yes he is frustrated that his attempts to help her are not working. Then again, he understands the kind of power Kirsty is under more than anyone else would.



About Kirsty telling Snape that she loves him. I was rather surprised myself. I do think that she has feelings for Snape. She had been somewhat intrigued by him from the start. I never thought she would tell him that she loves him though, but in that moment she was very vulnerable. She had made the decision to go back to Lucius forever. She knew there was no way back this time and she could not be sure what would be waiting for her. She knew it might be death, but she cannot turn her back on Lucius. When it comes to him her brain just refuses to work, lol. She was having a very real moment with Snape there. And it was a very intimate moment, way more intimate than when they had sex! And it was her way of saying goodbye to him and thanking him.

Because after everything she is still grateful for him trying to help her, -even though she did not really want his help. –No one has ever given her so much attention, except for Lucius. And she is aware that she is throwing it all back in his face by disappearing in front of him. I think she is taking great comfort from her moment with Snape, something she can never have with Lucius.

As to what kind of love she feels for Snape, I am not sure. With her saying that she loves him I don’t mean to say that they should get married or something. But she does love him. She is attracted to him and she does feel deeply for him and it is hard for her to betray him like this. It was a great moment of comfort for me!



But now on with chapter 34 –thanks Pensieve Plotter for the speedy work here!







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Chapter 34

A little Problem



Choking, Kirsty fell on her hands and knees. She grabbed the necklace and pulled it off her neck. The medallion fell to the floor with a clinking sound and evaporated. She could breathe again, but in the next moment she held her breath as something cold and hard touched her cheek. She knew right away what it was. It slid down her cheek, under her chin and tilted up her head. She looked up. Lucius stared down at her with blazing grey eyes. Only now she realised that she had not actually seen him for many weeks. And as she looked back at him her weakness, her sadness and her sudden feeling of love disappeared. She was his again, to do with as he wished, nothing else mattered.



“Welcome back,” he only said.



She shuffled to her feet and stood. She could not help but drop her eyes to the handle of his cane. She had never really looked at it. He followed her eyes as a thin smirk came over his face, then he looked back into her eyes.



“So, have you done as I asked?”



She took her eyes off the snake and looked at him coyly. “Yes. Professor Snape healed me. I didn’t tell him anything.”



Lucius’s eyes narrowed. “How did he react?”



She hesitated. Could she tell the truth? Did the truth mean that she had failed? He seemed to guess what she was contemplating.



“Careful now, pet.”



She looked back at him. She knew he was reminding her not to lie so she said, “He guessed it. But he did not have to compromise his cover. I escaped.”



She looked around quickly. They were alone in a small drawing room. She breathed in deeply. So her captivity at Hogwarts was over, but she was very aware that she was exchanging it for a new captivity. At least she could never go back to Hogwarts, for she had chosen her side once and for all. But she knew that her future was still very uncertain. What were his plans for her? She never learned Occlumency and he had threatened to kill her if she didn’t. But if he really wanted to kill her, he could have done it last night. What was his plan? She looked back at him. He was observing her.



“What will happen to me?” she dared to ask quietly.



“I meant to get rid of you. The game is over,” he said. She suddenly felt sick. “But I can’t seem to stop thinking that you are … useful.” He paused. “If I want to keep you around, we have to get a little problem out of the way.”



He pulled his wand and pointed it at her. She froze, instinctively expecting the Cruciatus curse. But instead he only said, “Sit down.” And motioned to one of the armchairs. She slowly walked over and sat down, watching him all the time anxiously.



“We do have a problem, don’t we?” he said as though to remind her and he pulled up a chair opposite her to sit down.



“The Dark Lord,” she said quietly.



“Yes. Lets see… Occlumency is not an option, we had that before. Of course, you could be obliviated, but…” he hesitated, “that would ruin all the training I gave you, I’d have to start from scratch. I might as well kill you now.”



“Did you not think about this before?” she asked carefully, “Why didn’t you kill me yesterday?”



He showed a thin smile, “Like I said, I meant to, I should have, but I got carried away. We did have so much fun after all.”



“But… if you meant to kill me, why did you bring the necklace?”



He raised an eyebrow. “There there, we are smart today aren’t we? –Alright. Maybe I had not quite made up my mind. Afterall there are other options. I could just hide you and make people believe that you are dead.”



She blinked. She wanted to be with him, but the idea of being dead to everyone else suddenly did not seem as appealing anymore as it had once been.



“Would the Dark Lord not know that you are lying?” she asked. He leaned back and observed her a moment. Then he replied, “Just how important do you think you are? The Dark Lord might have been curious about you after you managed to get the book of forgotten courses for us and placed the box successfully, but then again, you failed in the end, didn’t you? Young Mr. Potter is still inhabiting all his magical abilities and is in good health. Maybe there isn’t any Death Eater potential inside you afterall. You are nothing, my pigeon, and whenever the Dark Lord spares his time to consult with me it is about much more important things than my little Half-blood pet.”



“Then… if he lost interest in me… can’t we just… keep things as they are?”



“And how exactly are things right now?”



She hesitated. She realised she had no answer to this. She wanted things as they had been, with her secretly working for him, but obviously that was not possible anymore. The deal had been that he would keep her to test whether she could become a Death Eater. But she was exposed now and she had failed. She sighed.



“Isn’t there another chance for me?” she asked, pleadingly. “To prove that I have what it takes to become a Death Eater?”



He shook his head vaguely and simply said, “No, there isn’t.” He looked at her a moment, watching as she slumped in her seat, then continued, “you don’t want to be a Death Eater. You never did. And truth be told, I never wanted you to become a Death Eater and you know that, too.”



She glared at him.



“Come on, you are not stupid, you know it was only a game. You played along and you made yourself believe that that was what you wanted, but you don’t care about our cause. You didn’t want to prove yourself to become a Death Eater, you wanted to prove yourself to be my pet. You wanted to prove yourself worthy for me. You are nothing but a teenager who is bored with Hogwarts. And that is all, isn’t it?” A smirk grew on his face as he continued watching her.



She didn’t know how to respond.



“When you carried out a task for me, you did not want to succeed because you hoped it would get you closer towards being accepted by the Dark Lord. You wanted to succeed to please me, am I right?”



“Yes,” she said quietly. She could not deny that this was true.



“And since we are being so honest now: I never considered taking you to the Dark Lord, I just wanted a bit of fun with you. When he took note of you however, I was very displeased, because you turned out to be more of a risk than you were fun. Well, it looks like I almost burned myself on you, doesn’t it? I’m not going to make that mistake again.” He pointed his wand at her again and she winced and turned her face away, but he only chuckled and used the wand to stroke a strand of hair out of her face.



“Now, what shall we do?”



She turned back to look at him, she honestly did not know. Then she said, “Did you not say I might still be useful? …I want to be useful.”



“Do you, pet? That’s very sweet. And did you not say that I had to punish you for trying to kill your father?”



She remained quiet but carefully looked back at him.



“Yes, last night, when I came to you, you were begging to be punished for your stupid actions. Maybe… we can combine your punishment with you being useful? What do you think?”



She did not know what she was thinking about it. She did not know what he had in mind.



“I will do whatever you want me to do.”



His eyes narrowed. “Good. …I am planning a little party, for a few friends tonight. I was hoping you could join us.”



She only looked back at him. She had a bad feeling about this, but since she was sure that he would not give her a choice, she decided she rather did not want to know anything about that ‘little party’ of his.



He smiled. “Don’t worry, pet. I have invited people that you know.”



He got up and walked over to a chest of drawers. A bundle was lying on it. He picked it up and tossed it across the room to her. It landed in her lap.



“A welcome back present. I can’t introduce you to my friends in muggle clothes.” He looked her up and down briefly and shook his head disapprovingly, “honestly, what were you thinking?”



She knew him well enough to know that this was a rhetorical question. And yet she deeply regretted having had not bothered with the way she was dressing. She could not stand that look in his eyes when he seemed to be repulsed by her as though he could see her stained muggle blood. But she had tried to get rid of it, she had tried to rid out her impure bloodline. She had tired…



She stopped herself from thinking back. There was no point. Instead, she looked at the bundle and opened it. Inside she unfolded a common Slytherin School Uniform: skirt, blouse, tie, socks and plain underwear. Nothing was missing, except for the robe. She stared at it puzzled for a moment.



“What is it, pet?” Lucius sat back down opposite her, “not fancy enough for you?”



She looked up at him wordlessly. It was true she was a bit disappointed that it was not something beautiful as the dress he had given her before. But mostly she was wondering why he would want her to wear the uniform at his party. She knew he had a bit of a kink for the uniform, but that was all. He surely did not want a clearly identified schoolgirl at his party, or did he?



“What?” he asked, when he saw her looking back at him.



She looked away. ”I just… don’t quite understand why you want me to wear this.” She said quietly.



“You are at Hogwarts, aren’t you?”



“I guess so.”



“And you are in Slytherin House, aren’t you?”



She nodded.



“Well then, this is appropriate, don’t you think?”



She kept quiet. He clearly did not want to tell her the truth, so she decided it was better not to annoy him by asking further.



“Well, what are you waiting for? Put it on.”



She hesitated. He smirked.



“You really have been away from me for too long. Remember all the lovely time we shared? There is nothing of you I have not already seen.”



His eyes narrowed and she knew only too well, that she had to obey immediately, or his temper would switch from one second to the next.



She started taking off her muggle clothes trying to look at her own fingers opening the buttons of her cardigan to have an excuse not to look at him. She took off the cardigan and did the same with the blouse underneath. Then she opened the zip on the side of her skirt and looked up shyly as though to check if he was looking or not.

She hurried a bit more to get the skirt off, and let it fall on the floor. She looked away again as she undid her bra and shortly later felt the cool air brush over her breasts. Now she wanted to hurry to cover herself up again, so she quickly pulled down her knickers. But then she kicked them off, and suddenly froze as she saw that snake, on top of his cane emerge towards her and between her and order her to spread her legs by tapping against the inside of her thigh. She looked up. Lucius was smirking at her.



“Just thought I should probably inspect Professor Snape’s work.”



”He healed me, but… I’m still sore to touch.” She said so quietly he could hardly hear her.



“I did not ask for your self-assessment, did I?” he growled.



She hesitated a moment, then opened her thighs to him. He got up and put the cane aside, then he lowered himself before her. She turned her eyes towards the ceiling… a pretty ceiling with crème white painted wooden beams.



Somehow she felt like everything he did to her had become harder for her to get through. Though she suspected it could just be that she had been away for a while and time made everything look less hard.



She could smell him now, as he was very close. He rose up to the height of her face as she felt him grab her pussy firmly. He buried his fingers inside her and probed at her like it was only another possession of his without someone with feelings attached.



She cringed and gasped as she felt how true her ‘self-assessment’ had been. Though she was not torn anymore, and all the cuts the snake’s teeth had left had healed up his fingers caused her extreme discomfort. He pulled her further down into the chair and pushed her legs further apart as he continued. She let a cry escape.



“You’re not complaining are you, pet?” he whispered.



She shook her head, with her eyes squeezed shut.



“Good, because I don’t think you are in any position to complain. I let you live. You better remember that tonight and show your gratitude. Are we clear?”



“Yes!” she cried.



“Good,” he said again, but this time he was further away from her ear and he sounded a lot less harsh. “Severus surely knows his craft.”



With that he pulled away from her and sat back down in his seat.



“Well, continue.” He said with the smirk back on his face and she hurried to put on the uniform, without looking at him.



Even before she was fully dressed, he had seemed to lose interest and got up again.



“Get some rest, you might need it. I will come and get you for our little gathering later tonight.”



With that he left her alone. She remained in the chair, not moving. She looked down at herself in her school uniform. What was this about? The longer she was alone, the harder it got to ignore that she felt worried. She did not want to be worried. She wanted to believe that she had made the right decision by coming back to him. And he had not killed her, and yet she felt there was something off. And somehow, with a very depressing feeling she had to admit to herself that it was hard to enjoy Lucius’ company. She wanted to be glad and fulfilled about being around him again, and to be serving him. But this wasn’t quite right. Even though he had not killed her, she could not see the future. And that worried her and it seemed to jeopardise everything she had worked for so hard. She looked down at herself again, at her ridiculous grey knee socks and oxfords. What did it matter what she was wearing? She tried to tell herself. At no point had she expected to receive a present again, after how she had messed things up. But she had worked so hard before to become more than some Hogwarts schoolgirl and now, after everything, it seemed that that was what he wanted her to be. After all, she could still hear his voice ringing in her ears, he never intended to take her to the Dark Lord. She never was to become a Death Eater. It was true what he had said, all she really wanted was to be his and yet, the truth, the fact that she was never going to be more than that confused her. What was her fate going to be now? He seemed so easily to get tired of her. If all she was, was his little toy, he surely was about to cast her aside anytime. She was lucky he had not already done so. She wanted to be with him, he was still all that mattered, but how was this going to work?



She thought of Professor Snape and somehow, now that she had left him and her imprisonment at Hogwarts behind, she felt as though it had not actually been so bad, as though really it had been a good time. She held her head, and forced herself to stop having these thoughts. She was back with Lucius, she had known what a risk she was taking and she knew after everything things might not be the same. But she had come back anyway, because she was his and would crave and appreciate whatever he did to her, because that was what made her special. Whatever he decided to do to her was a gift.

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and we are heading towards the finale, guys!