Pains and Contradictions

A/N: Thanks to WhiteCotton for betaing this chapter for me and making sure the smut was anatomically correct. I'm going to take a short break while I write my story for the SeverusSighs Grand Challenge, which will probably be the last fest I participate in before I finish this story. There are only a handful of chapters to go and I really want to get them out. They're festering!

Once again, thank you all for reading and reviewing. I really put my all into this story and it means so much to hear from you. If you'd like to be added to the update list leave your email in a review.

*


“There comes a pause, for human strength will not endure to dance without cessation; and everyone must reach the point at length of absolute prostration.” Lewis Carroll


“Reducto!”

Leaning back further into the chair the room had given him, Severus struggled not to reveal his fatigue to Harry. He watched as Harry’s spell hit its target, encouraged when he saw the ball decimated, its pieces flung to all corners of the Room of Requirement.

“Better,” he said, trying to speak with an even voice even as he struggled not to gasp for air.

Over the past week of training, Harry had finally learned to wield Severus’ power as his own. With the bond mature now—and maturing more by the day, by Severus’ estimation—Harry was able to put more power behind his spells than Severus could have hoped for.

“Are you all right?” Harry asked, concerned.

The only drawback to the training was the fatigue Severus felt by the end of it. It had started out small, with him feeling just a bit tired at the end of that first day. But as the week continued and Harry had proved his worth in defensive magic, the fatigue was growing stronger and coming quicker.

Harry’s hand found his own and Severus felt the bond open, giving him back what had been taken like a gentle breeze.

“I don’t like this part,” Harry whispered, and Severus looked up into worried green eyes. “It shouldn’t work like this,” Harry continued. “What kind of bond doesn’t let me hit you but will let me make you feel like this?”

Slowly, Severus took Harry’s hands in his and then drew him close, resting his aching head against Harry’s chest, pleased when the world stopped spinning a few moments later. Harry’s hands began to run through his hair and massage his temples, his concern and sadness penetrating Severus through the bond.

When he felt himself again, Severus looked up and gave a small smile—the one he allowed only Harry to see—and said, “Luckily, what is weakened by the bond can be made strong by the bond.” He stood up on legs that were far steadier than they had been a moment ago and took Harry in his arms, his strength returning to him.

“I still don’t like it,” Harry grumbled against his neck. “It’s not fair to you.”

Severus sighed and smirked against his hair. “And if it were the other way around? If it was my destiny to kill the Dark Lord and you were the one to give me the strength to do it?”

“That’s different.”

Severus pulled Harry back just enough to kiss him gently. “No, it would be exactly the same, only you would be the one suffering and I would be the one drowning in guilt.”

Harry shuddered, then frowned. “Yeah. No more drowning in guilt for you.”

“I feel fine,” Severus assured him. And he did, though the defensive spells Harry practiced here would be nothing compared to what he would cast on the Dark Lord in battle. Thoughts of what he might be forced to give up threatened to come to the forefront of his mind, but he thrust them back. Severus was determined to keep what he feared would happen to himself, until the very end. Harry had to defeat the Dark Lord with Severus’ shared power, a feat that would be impossible if he were made aware of what could happen.

All things considered, his simple, little life would be a small price to pay to see Harry—and the rest of the world, he supposed—safe.

“Maybe we should stop for the night?” Harry asked hopefully, and Severus saw the slight leer in his eyes and watched as he nearly bounced in anticipation.

“That’s probably a good idea,” Severus said, slightly amused at the prospect of bursting Harry’s bubble. “There’s a full moon in a week, and I believe there’s something Lupin will be wanting soon.”

Sure enough, Harry deflated comically and Severus had to hold back his smirk.

“Okay,” Harry said, his leer returning as quickly as it had gone. “You go and work up an exhaustion in your lab, and I’ll be the one to take care of you tonight.”

Severus stilled at Harry’s implication, revealing his hesitation for only an instant, but still Harry picked up on it.

With a sigh, Harry looked up at him. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Severus said and silently requested a door to his quarters. His arm still wrapped around Harry’s shoulder, he began to walk towards it when it appeared, hoping Harry would take the hint and allow the subject to drop.

“Is there something I’m not getting?” Harry asked. Severus sighed and rubbed his temples with his free hand. There was little point in hoping Harry would ever take a hint at anything.

“What exactly are you referring to?” he asked though they both knew exactly what topic Severus was trying to avoid.

“Is there some gay etiquette I’m not aware of or something?” Harry asked as they walked into their sitting room. “I mean, I like being on the bottom—really, I do—but every time I bring up switching it around you get...weird about it.”

Severus grumbled under his breath and released Harry, going to turn up the fire to drive out the November chill.

“So is there something?” Harry asked while Severus was turned away from him. “Some rule I don’t know?”

Sighing yet again, Severus said in a low voice, “No. Not between the two of us, at least.”

Harry walked into his line of sight and nodded, then said slowly, “So...why don’t you want to?”

That was an excellent question, Severus thought. When Harry had first broached the topic in passing, they’d been in bed together, with Severus more relaxed and sated than he’d been...well, ever really. He hadn’t minded the idea then. But with each passing day—and night—as Harry had continued asking about switching their roles in bed, Severus grew more reticent.

The truth was he had no good reason to be so hesitant. True, it had been nearly twenty years since he’d experienced that particular pleasure, and his last foray had contained a bit more pain than delight. But Severus realized that was most likely due to the age and inexperience of his companion...what was his name?

And while Harry was inexperienced in this particular aspect of lovemaking, he’d shown boundless enthusiasm to learn everything Severus had shown him and had an innate generosity that Severus should’ve taken advantage of by now.

“Hey,” said Harry, as warm hands reached up to brush a stray hair from his face, “don’t do that.”

“What?” Severus grumbled, not looking down.

“Don’t go somewhere I can’t follow,” he pleaded softly, so Severus was forced to look down. Sad, tired eyes looked up at him, and Severus chastised himself for allowing something so ridiculous to come between them.

Though no surer than he’d been a moment ago, Severus resolved to give Harry anything he wanted. Chalking up his reluctance to the idiocy that it was, he smirked and said, “Well, I am rather tired. I suppose I could allow you to do all the work for once.”

Enthusiasm

Desire

“Oh, shut up,” Harry said as they began to walk towards Severus’ lab. “I give as good as I get, and you know it.”

“I’ll remind you of that the next time you want me to lavish attention on you for—”

Severus was cut off just as they entered his potions lab, Harry possessively pushing him against a wall, running his hands down his thighs until they found his cock, which began growing rapidly.

“Severus,” he breathed, his borrowed smirk sending a chill of anticipation down Severus’ spine. “I’m going to fuck you so hard tonight—”

“Ahem.” Someone cleared his throat and Severus watched as Harry’s eyes mirrored his own in horror.

They both turned their heads and witnessed Lupin—his face red, but his eyes amused—valiantly trying to hold back his laughter.

“I’m terribly sorry to interrupt, Harry,” he said, and Severus glared as he watched Lupin’s facial muscles spasm as they held back what would’ve surely been a throaty laugh.

Embarrassment

Awkwardness

Turning away from Lupin, Severus watched as Harry cautiously met his eyes, a stream of unspoken apologies making themselves heard. He opened his mouth and Severus almost smirked as nothing came out but a squeak. Quickly, Harry whirled around to face Lupin and Severus knew this wasn’t going to end well.

“We weren’t going to have sex right now!” Harry exclaimed, stammering, and Severus noticed Lupin struggled even more to hold back his laughter. “I mean, we wouldn’t have sex right now...or here!”

Lupin put a hand over his mouth, but Severus could see his smile widen as the wrinkles around his eyes deepened.

“There are...potions...everywhere, and...it wouldn’t be safe!” Harry stopped and took a good look around the room, “And probably really uncomfortable.”

“Harry...” Severus broke in, trying to save him from making a bigger arse of himself.

“And I really can’t imagine Severus bent over a desk...”

“Right, that’s enough, Harry,” Lupin said, coming to both their rescues. Harry finally shut his mouth and Severus struggled not to rub his temples as he felt a headache coming on.

“Perhaps there’s some homework that needs to be done?” Severus suggested, motioning towards the door from whence they came. Harry took the hint and—with a smile to Lupin and a pleading look to Severus—bolted out the door as though hell were chasing him.

As soon as the door closed, Severus spun around and said, “If you say one word—”

“I wasn’t going to,” Lupin said, putting up a hand and walking closer to a table that held a bubbling cauldron. “Really, I have no desire...at all.” He cleared his throat and Severus was glad he wasn’t the only one left embarrassed. “Although...” Lupin began again, causing a sneer to appear on Severus’ face. Lupin ignored it and, with a smile, continued, “It is good to see the two of you so happy. Especially now.”

Ignoring the sentimentality that was beginning to seep into Lupin’s tone, Severus turned to the cauldron, which held the base for that day’s batch of wolfsbane potion, and began his work.

“You do realize your presence isn’t required in order for the potion to work?”

He could almost hear Lupin smile, even as he began to chop the aconite.

“I’m being serious, Severus. After everything that’s happened, after all you’ve been through, it’s a relief to see the two of you happy.”

Severus scoffed, revealing his thoughts on how little Lupin cared about his happiness.

“You’re both my friends—”

“We,” Severus interrupted, “are not friends.”

Lupin smiled again and sat down on a stool. “This argument would almost be amusing if it wasn’t so very sad.”

Severus sighed and began to stir in the aconite, wishing he could hex Lupin into leaving or, at the very least, wipe that smug smile from his face.

Suddenly a thought occurred to him.

“Well, then,” he said, adopting his most sadistic grin, “friend.” He watched with satisfaction as Lupin’s smile faded. “I couldn’t help but notice your dinner companion for the past week.”

Lupin seemed to pale at that so Severus continued. “Is there anything of interest happening between you and Miss Tonks?”

Lupin rallied himself and put on a false smile. “She’s a nice girl. She’s an Auror and makes interesting dinner conversation, which is always pleasant.”

Severus hummed. “Oh, is that all? She always seems to stumble more than usual when you’re around.”

“Oh, I’m sure that’s not true—”

“The state of your robes after dessert last night says something different.” Amused that he was finally able to turn the tables and shine a bright light on the state of Lupin’s love life, Severus pursued the topic further. “She always has stars in her eyes when you walk into the room. Surely you’ve noticed?”

“She’s a nice girl,” Lupin repeated flatly, clearly hoping the subject would be dropped. “There’s nothing else to it.”

“Oh?” Severus asked, beyond pleased with how the conversation was turning. “And why is that? She is a girl, after all. She’s...intelligent enough. She’s not incredibly difficult to look at.” Deciding to test the waters, Severus said, “In fact, if you didn’t like the look of her, you could always ask—”

“Severus!” Lupin interrupted and Severus nearly chuckled at the reaction. “That’s not very kind.”

“Neither am I. Lupin,” he continued, “the girl’s clearly interested in you. I can’t see any reason why you wouldn’t pursue...something.”

“No reason?” Lupin asked, flummoxed. “Aside from the fact that she’s ten years younger than me?”

The amused grin left Severus’ face immediately and he scowled at the implication.

Lupin, for his part, seemed no more pleased by his slip than Severus. “You and Harry are completely different. Or Harry’s different, at the very least. Nymphadora—”

“Oh, Nymphadora is it?” The smug grin was back on Severus’ face. Really, it was too wonderful to be able to needle beneath Lupin’s skin for a change.

Lupin sighed and scuffed up the back of his hair, and Severus noticed the gray was becoming far more prevalent. “For all her experience as an Auror...she seems a very young twenty-eight. If I stopped to think about it, I really couldn’t see it working out.”

For all that Lupin had spent so long trying to talk him into hope, it seemed the man had none for himself. Severus warred with appearing to give a damn when he really didn’t with the continuing desire to meddle where he wasn’t welcome.

He hated Lupin, that much was certain. Even if he forgave everything from their youth, which he didn’t, Lupin was annoyingly cheerful and a hindrance. He constantly smiled at him in hallways and never let an opportunity slip by to make mindless chatter. And there were several times in the last few months where Severus had seriously considered poisoning him.

Sighing as he stirred the cauldron in silence, Severus’ thoughts turned to Harry, as they often did these days. Harry cared for Lupin, that much he knew for certain. And while he had no use for friends, Severus knew enough about loving a person to know that cursing their friends was off-limits.

And it would probably make Harry happy to see Lupin happy.

A quiet groan escaped Severus’ throat before he could help himself. Cursing himself for what he was about to do, Severus finished his stirring and turned to look at Lupin.

“You don’t have to marry the girl.”

“What?” Lupin asked, confused.

“Talk to her. See if you have something in common besides being an annoyance to everyone you come across and perhaps she’ll surprise you.”

Shaking his head, Lupin said, “I’m not sure I’m willing to go down that road again.”

Frustrated that his beyond-generous attempt at kindness wasn’t being accepted, Severus turned to Lupin with a scowl. “Dinner!” he said, nearly shouting. “Or a drink. You don’t have give her your heart on a platter on the first date, man. But here is a girl who’s actually interested in you, a nice girl with nothing outwardly wrong with her and you’re making it seem as though you have to decide on marriage at the first date.”

At Lupin’s confused look, Severus deflated and said, “You’re an idiot. You’re so concerned with the lives of others, yet you don’t give a damn about your own.” Looking down into the simmering cauldron, Severus thought of Harry and asked, “Do you really want to be alone for the rest of your life?”

There was silence for a moment and Severus looked up only to see a smile gracing Lupin’s face.

“Why, Severus, I didn’t know you cared.”

“I don’t,” he said quickly, turning to the cauldron and thinking all of that had only been in aid of Harry. “I simply find it amusing meddling in your love life when you had no problem meddling in mine.”

The silence grew again and Severus could only allow himself to be distracted with a cauldron for so long. Forcing himself to look up, he saw Lupin’s smile had only grown larger.

“Shut up,” he said angrily. At Lupin’s quiet laugh, he coughed and wondered when he’d lost control over the situation.

After that, they sat in a silence Severus was forced to admit was companionable as the potion brewed, the only sound the scuffling of their shoes and the faint noises from the students as they made their way to the common room. A few minutes later, he felt a great surge of guilt flow through the bond from Harry, then a terrible sadness. He paused, but when no sense of alarm or distress came, he forced himself not to act, thinking he’d find out what had happened later.

Finally, the potion began to emit the blue smoke that meant it was ready, and if Severus was quicker than usual to give it over to Lupin, neither of them said anything.

The grimace Lupin gave at swallowing the foul thing gave Severus none of its usual pleasure, and he silently took back the cup and accepted Lupin’s thanks. Suddenly the guilt he’d felt from Harry before washed away, leaving a sense of contentment and happiness. Breathing a sigh of relief that whatever had happened had quickly been resolved, Severus forced his mind back to his duties and began to clean.

Thoughts of Harry swirling in his head combined with Lupin’s presence only served to bring about thoughts of the recent past, of debts that were owed. And as much as he hated to admit it, Severus would acknowledge this debt. Resigned, he closed his eyes and steeled himself for something he’d put off for far too long.

“Lupin,” he said, his back turned.

He listened as Lupin stopped at the door without opening it, his tone curious as he asked, “Yes, Severus?”

“I never thanked you.” Severus refused to turn around and said nothing else, simply continuing his cleaning. A moment passed and Lupin must have realized no further explanation was forthcoming.

Sighing at the subject he’d reopened and the speech he was no doubt about to be subjected to, Severus turned, Lupin’s expression indecipherable. A moment passed between them, Severus meeting Lupin’s eyes as they seemed to take stock of him. Finally, Lupin nodded and gave a small smile.

“You’re welcome. And I’d do it all again to see you both this happy.”

And then Lupin left, leaving Severus with an oddly warm feeling. He shrugged it off as something Harry was no doubt giving him through the bond and continued cleaning in silence.

*

Shaking off his humiliation, Harry slipped out of Severus’ quarters quietly, careful to make sure no one saw him leave, then turned towards the stairs that led out of the dungeons. It was before curfew and their shortened day had left him feeling restless. His mind was turning over his latest training session with Severus, and no matter how it might be justified, he still couldn’t shake the guilt that plagued him.

Severus was right, he knew that. He wasn’t hurting him permanently, and he knew it was necessary... But if these little defensive spells were causing damage what would casting the killing curse mean?

Sighing, Harry shook off his suspicions. Surely Severus would be worried if there was something wrong. And Dumbledore would never approve of anything that would seriously harm him, not even in the name of the war effort. No, he thought, worrying about this wouldn’t help anything.

Reaching the ground floor, he hid behind a suit of armor as a few sixth years passed him by, not wanting to be seen. He’d spent the last week going from classes to the Great Hall and then training with Severus, with no room for his friends in between. And while he was happy in the dungeons, and really didn’t want to leave, there were a few people he missed something fierce.

The conversation he’d promised Hermione just hadn’t happened, and poor Neville had finally stopped casting him curious looks at the Gryffindor table. He was glad the story and reason behind his disappearance had been accepted, but it did nothing to stop him from feeling guilty whenever he thought of his friends.

He paused as he passed the Entrance Hall, wrapping his student robe around him tighter and contemplating braving the chill. Pacing the stones a few times, thoughts of the war plaguing him, his feet made the decision for him and he went out into the cold.

It was just what he needed, he thought, as he began to walk the grounds. He wouldn’t go any further than the lake, he reasoned, and noticed that Hagrid was outside his hut, playing with Fang. Feeling secure, he put his hands in his pockets and began to walk towards a line of trees he thought might be nice to sit beneath.

As he approached, he noticed someone had beaten him to it, then paused as he noticed who it was.

Underneath a grove of sycamores, Hermione sat with a book in her lap, though even from this distance Harry could tell she wasn’t reading it. His first instinct was to turn away quickly, but he stopped himself. Here was his chance, he thought. A chance to talk to her, to maybe make things right between them again. He had so few true friends, and though he loved Severus, as he stood there watching her, he realized how much he had missed her.

Slowly, he began to walk towards her, his heart beating madly in his chest, thinking he couldn’t understand why he was so nervous. She looked up as she heard his steps, her face curious before she lowered it back down to her book.

Sitting down next to her, Harry prepared himself for what was sure to be one of the most awkward conversations of his life.

“Hi,” he said lamely, not knowing what else to say.

“Hello,” she said, her voice soft and her eyes turned towards the lake. The silence stretched between them, each second twisting in awkward agony as Harry struggled with what to say to her.

He was saved from having to come up with anything as Hermione said, “You’ve been avoiding me.”

Harry’s heart beat madly in his chest. She’d said it plainly, with no accusation in her voice, and somehow that made it worse. It would’ve been far better if she’d been angry, he thought.

“I have, yeah.”

“Why?” she asked, then turned to him.

Opening his mouth to respond, Harry shut it immediately. He had no idea what to say. He could say that he felt guilty that he’d gotten over Ron’s death so quickly and she hadn’t. He could tell her all about what’d happened with Severus, how miserable he was and how alone. He could tell her that they really had been training and that took up the little free time he had.

But those were all excuses. The real reason was something far worse.

“I don’t know,” he said, not knowing how to address the issue at hand. “I know it started because of Ron. Because...well, I was with Severus in the summer and...and he really helped me to deal with what happened. And then you came back and there were so many other things going on...” He trailed off as he noticed her glare.

She was quiet for a moment and Harry saw her features twist in anger. “And instead of talking to me, instead of telling me about this enormous thing that was happening in your life, you decided to...just push me away? Like I was nothing, like we hadn’t been friends for six years?”

Harry flinched as though he’d been hit and he lowered his head. He hadn’t expected her to say it so harshly, so plainly, and he realized how long he’d kept her waiting.

“I guess I owe you an apology.”

“You don’t owe me anything,” she snapped. “You’re supposed to be my friend. You’re supposed to want to tell me what’s happening in your life. And if you don’t—”

“No,” Harry interrupted. “I do. I’m sorry, Hermione. I’m so sorry.” And he was, and he felt like an idiot for leaving this for so long. Resolving to tell her the truth, Harry steeled himself and shifted closer to her on the ground.

“I was happy.” She looked up at him and frowned, her confusion apparent, so he continued to try to explain. “I was happy in the summer...with Severus. We...were friends. It was great,” he said with a smile that graced his face of its own volition. “I was happy...and you weren’t. And I really didn’t know what to do. You were so miserable and I wasn’t.”

The look in her eyes told Harry she’d understood. Turning to look at the lake again, she seemed to digest what he’d told her, both of them sitting in silence.

“And instead of telling me and hoping I’d take the horror of my friend being happy well, you decided to completely ignore me?”

“It sounds really stupid when you say it like that,” Harry said, but his humor fell flat. “I was stupid,” he said plainly, attempting to accept responsibility for his actions. “I was so stupid.”

“I’m so angry with you,” she said softly. “I wasn’t at first. I was so confused I didn’t know what to do. For a while I thought—well, you know what I thought.”

Harry nodded, thinking of that awkward encounter and a kiss denied, but stayed quiet, allowing her to speak her mind.

“And then you were hurt. And then...he was there.” Her voice shook as her words flowed out of her like a fountain. “This man, this man that the last I’d heard was a monster to you. This man you hated, who had helped you and helped us and he was there and... There was no room for me anymore! What was I doing there in the infirmary? What right did I have? I wasn’t your friend, not anymore—”

“Yes, you were. You are,” he said, grabbing hold of her hand as she wept angry tears.

She shook her head. “It wasn’t fair to me. All of these things going on and you just leaving me behind!” Her tears were flowing quickly now, Harry putting an arm over her shoulder, relieved when she didn’t shrug it off. “Severus Snape?” she exclaimed, as though the name were a question and an accusation at the same time. From her point of view, Harry supposed it was. Remus had been there during the summer, had seen Harry through his suffering, but he’d blocked Hermione out at every turn. How could he expect her to understand?

“I’m sorry,” he repeated, not knowing what else to say. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“Well,” she said, her tears slowing, “you did.”

Closing his eyes, he held her closer and tried to think of something to say, something that could make this better.

“I didn’t mean...” but he stopped himself before he could dig himself in any deeper. It didn’t matter if he’d meant to hurt her or not. “I didn’t know what to do, so I didn’t do anything. I hurt you and I’m sorry, and if you’d let me, I promise I’ll make it up to you.”

She sniffed and contemplated the water, the silence torturing Harry as his heart twisted.

“Apologize again,” she said, not looking at him.

His heart heavy, he held her closer and said, “I’m sorry.”

She sniffed again and wiped her eyes with a sleeve. “Promise you’ll never do it again.”

“I won’t. Ever. I promise.”

She nodded and smiled, before turning to him, her eyes tearing anew. “I missed you so much,” she cried, wrapping her arms around him and sobbing into his shirt. Holding her closely, he closed his own eyes and felt a weight he’d ignored for far too long leave him.

He held her for a few more moments before she pulled away, her soft smile still not reaching her eyes. They sat in companionable silence for a few minutes before she said, “You have no idea how odd it was, sitting there holding your hand, and all of a sudden Professor Snape walks into the room.” She looked up at him and gave a playful grin. “You should’ve seen the way he was looking at you.”

Remembering all the hell Severus had put them through, Harry didn’t have a hard time imagining it. “Yeah,” he said plainly.

“All right,” she started, then took a deep breath. “I only want to say this once. Just this one time and then I promise I’ll listen and be completely objective.”

Giving an exaggerated sigh, Hermione poked him in the ribs before she became serious. “Severus Snape, Harry?”

“Yeah,” he said, his thoughts turning to Severus. “Severus Snape.”

Hermione nodded, then said, “He’s a teacher.”

“I know.”

She nodded again, then said, “He’s twenty years older than you. He went to school with your parents and...he’s not the nicest person.”

“He’s not, no,” Harry admitted, though his thoughts strayed to last night and how Severus had kissed him after they made love, then this morning when he woke to the familiar feel of Severus’ arms. “But he is to me.”

They were quiet for a moment before Hermione nodded.

“You sure you’re done?” Harry asked.

“I’m sure, yes.”

“Really? Because I completely understand if you want to get one more in—”

“Shut up,” she said with a smile. “He loves you, you know? It was so strange seeing someone so severe and...harsh looking at someone the way he was looking at you.”

“I know.”

“So...how serious is it?”

Taking a deep breath, Harry jumped in with both feet. “We’re bonded...for life.”

Hermione’s eyes widened comically and Harry watched as she struggled to find her voice.

“So...fairly serious then?”

Harry laughed and put an arm around her again, then became distracted for a moment when he felt a surge of contentment, for the first time unsure if it came from Severus or himself.

“Harry?”

“Yeah,” he said, returning to the conversation.

“You’ll tell me how all this happened? What’s going on now?”

“You want the long version or the short version?”

She cast Tempus and asked, “Medium?”

He chuckled and cast a privacy charm, thinking Severus would be proud he’d finally become so cautious. With a warm feeling in the back of his mind, he began to tell the story.

*

“Oh, fuck!” Harry exclaimed as he pushed into Severus, sweat pouring off his brow. “I’m gonna come.”

“Come now, and it will be the last thing you ever do!” Severus bit out the words between groans as Harry shifted inside him, all his petty fears and hesitations gone. At the moment he couldn’t reason why he’d ever want to turn this pleasure down. It had been so long since he’d experienced it, and never with a partner who truly cared about his enjoyment...

“Stop!” Harry growled, putting his hands over Severus’ hips to still him. “You’re so tight and I swear—”

“Think cold thoughts, Potter!”

“You think loose thoughts, then!”

Growling, Severus laid back against the pillows, wanting nothing more than to grab Harry’s hips with his ankles and force him to move. He was going to enjoy this, damn it, and no adolescent hormones would impede him.

“Picture Albus naked,” he said, thinking he’d probably find the horror that crossed Harry’s face at that statement humorous later. “On a cold day.”

“What?” Harry exclaimed, and Severus moved his hips experimentally in his distraction.

“Yes,” he hissed as the slight burn traveled up his hips. “Distract yourself and fuck me.” He threw his head back and edged a hand between them, dragging the skin of both their stomachs as he reached to grab his own cock to ease the pain. After a few pulls, he could feel himself opening up for Harry’s cock, could feel it sliding in deeper.

“Wait—I should—” Harry panted, and then his face took on a look of bewilderment, as his brain attempted to fathom how he could handle Severus’ cock and hold his body up at the same time.

Severus threw him a scathing look and began to pump his cock again.

“I—” Harry started, then cut off as he pulled out of Severus and then thrust in again, a grunt pulled from him as he changed the angle of his hips to find Severus’ prostate.

“Yes!” Severus cried out a moment later. “Right there! Just right there—shit!” He prayed to whichever gods were listening that Harry would find it again.

“Fuck, you feel so good—”

Knowing this first time wouldn’t last long, Severus closed his eyes and enjoyed what he’d long denied himself. His body trembled as Harry found a rhythm, his strokes unskilled and hardly certain, but every thrust colliding with Severus’ prostate. A shaking, unsteady hand tried to wrap around his cock a few moments later, making Severus growl, “Fuck off! I can do—yes, Harry!” as they moved together, Severus’ thighs parting impossibly further at the force of his thrusts. Pressing himself against the pillows, Severus clenched his arse muscles around Harry’s cock and allowed a gasp of ecstasy to slip out of him as Harry rammed into him with a shout.

He hissed at the sensation of Harry slipping out, then dug his nails into Harry’s shoulder to voice his displeasure. Harry’s eyes met his, looking so incredibly open—so sure where Severus knew he hadn’t been a moment before—and then his head fell forward, his mouth enveloping Severus’ cock without hesitation.

Oh, thank Merlin!

Severus’ hips jerked involuntarily when Harry’s tongue and mouth pulled his orgasm from him, pleasure coursing through every muscle in his body as Harry rapidly swallowed his come.

Sated in a way he’d never felt before, Severus gathered Harry in his arms and held him close, the sound of them catching their breath the only one to be heard in the quietness of the room.

“That was...”

“Mmm,” Severus replied, ready to allow sleep to claim him if it weren’t for Harry’s jostling.

“Severus... ” Harry asked reluctantly, and Severus smirked as he predicted what would follow. “How was—was I any—”

“You were fine, Harry,” he said and stroked his hair absent-mindedly. “It was perfect.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t last very long,” Harry said, then, hesitantly, “I’m sure I’ll last longer with more practice.”

Smirking, Severus arched his back, savoring the pleasant ache, and said, “Yes, I’m sure you will.”

That seemed to satisfy Harry for a moment before he was shifting in Severus’ arms again, pawing at him and kissing him when Severus only wanted to sleep.

Opening an eye, he glared at Harry before he saw the smile on his face.

“Oh, Merlin.”

“What?”

“Hmph,” he grunted, amused. “I bet you’re very pleased with yourself.”

“No more pleased than you were—”

“Oh, shut it. It’s late,” Severus said half-heartedly.

Harry kissed his face again, and said, “I’m not tired. I feel...energized, I guess.”

“Liar,” Severus said affectionately. “You feel ten feet tall.”

Scoffing, Harry settled back against the pillows. “I’d settle for six any day.”

Opening his eyes again, Severus looked up at the ceiling, suddenly deep in though. “Does it really bother you? I thought you were of the opinion that there were benefits to your height.”

He felt Harry shrug against him, then he said, “It’s fine. I’m used to it.” He burrowed into Severus’ arms and said, “And it does have its benefits.”

Mentally considering Harry’s age and his own skills, Severus hesitantly offered, “There might be a strong nutritive potion that may help...slightly.”

Soft hair grazed Severus’ cheek and he could feel Harry’s cautious optimism. “Really?”

“Very slightly, but...we can try.”

“Thank you,” Harry said, putting his head back down on Severus’ chest. Strong arms embraced him and he felt Harry’s mouth turn up in a smile against his neck. “Even if nothing happens...thank you, Severus.”

Hardly knowing what to say to such gratitude, Severus kissed his forehead and contemplated the ceiling again. Awake now, he turned to Harry and asked, “So what was it that happened tonight? You were upset.”

“I finally talked with Hermione,” Harry said plainly, and Severus waited for an explanation that didn’t come.

“And it went well?” he asked, trying to ascertain what exactly had happened.

“She was angry with me,” Harry said, his fingers dancing across Severus’ chest. “But she had every right to be. Forgave me in the end, though.”

“Good.”

“And you? Did something happen with Remus?”

“I made his potion, he drank it and left.”

Severus could almost feel Harry’s frown. “But you were upset.”

“Well, he did smile at me.”

“That bastard.”

“Indeed.”

They were quiet again, but Severus could hardly be fooled by Harry’s fidgeting, and he knew there was a conversation lurking in a corner somewhere, dying to be let out.

“How did she react when you told her?”

The fidgeting stopped and Harry fingers began their hesitant dance over Severus’ chest again. “She was great about it, actually.” At Severus scoff, he insisted, “No, really. I mean, yeah she had a few reservations at first—oh, shut up! She had a few things to say that made total sense to someone who had no idea what was going on and then she listened. It was...”

He drifted off and burrowed further into the space between Severus neck and hair, quiet now, but Severus could almost hear his thoughts as they came to him.

Saying nothing, Severus held him closer, giving him the time he needed to collect himself.

“I put it off for far too long,” Harry said. “I’m just relieved to have her back. I didn’t realize how much I missed her until I tonight.”

Severus nodded and stroked his hair. “I’m glad. You’ll need your friends around you when—”

“Don’t!” Harry said suddenly, interrupting Severus. “Please, just...don’t. It’s all we talk about every day. If we’re not in class, then we’re in training, and...” he drifted off, then sat up, hovering over Severus and looking him in the eye. “Can we not talk about that here? When it’s just the two of us? Please?”

Severus hardly saw the point in not discussing what was on both their minds, but he nodded and said, “As you wish.” Harry gave a soft smile that didn’t reach his eyes before he lay down on Severus’ chest again. They laid together in the quiet, Severus knowing both their minds were wandering over what was to come, but for now content to rest safely in each other’s arms.