The Pains of Becoming

Thanks for betaing so fast Pensieve Plotter!

And thanks for the review:

You know, great point about her name sounding a bit like “curse”. It was not a conscious decision of mine but thinking back about choosing that name I think it was an unconscious association with the word curse.



Now here is the new chapter. It is kind of short.



-And sorry about the blood, Mary Jane! -I hope you can read past it!



And I should mention that what happens in this chapter was inspired by a scene from Cookies “Puppet and the Master”



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Chapter 33

A Medallion



Kirsty awoke with a start, her face felt sticky against the pillow and she felt incredibly exhausted and sore. There was something in her hand. She opened it. It was a small necklace. A silver chain with a medallion. She opened it. Inside was a note so tiny it was hardly readable. She focused her eyes and read.



“Remember and be wise and patient or….” The note evaporated with a tiny flame and she closed the medallion.



Last night, the vivid dream she remembered was reality. She stirred uneasily and moaned in pain. As she pulled back her blanket she froze in shock, there was blood. It had dried into the bed sheet but the stain was big. She put her fingers to her sex and with dread realised there was still fresh blood, not much, but enough to alarm her. The tiniest twist of her body caused her pain in her abdomen. She was meant to remember, she tried to remember hard what he had told her. What was it she was meant to do? Tell no one and go to Snape to heal her – but do not tell him how you got hurt. She only now realised that would not be easy. She looked up. And how was she supposed to go to Snape? She could not contact him, she did not know when he would come back to let her out. And what if it wasn’t Snape who came to get her? She had to get dressed and get rid of the stained sheets. She knew right away, this was a test just like her previous tasks had been: getting the book from Dumbeldore, the attack on Harry Potter, this was just another task. She grabbed the sheets, pulled them off the bed and put them under the bed. Then she hurried to the bathroom to clean herself up. She was wide-awake now. She did not feel her exhaustion anymore. Lucius was back, he had not killed her, Dumbledore and Snape were wrong. She was going to escape. Lucius would have her back! She had a quick bath, moaning as the pain of every move got to her, but she got on with it and dressed. Then she waited in the living room. Breakfast had appeared but she did not eat it. She sat on the sofa, while feeling tired again and hurt, she still sat straight feeling power inside her somewhere.



About an hour later the door opened without warning and Snape entered. He looked around suspiciously.



“Do you always enter without knocking, Sir?” She asked making herself sound very authoritarian. He looked at her and frowned.



“You may leave.”



“My arrest is over then?”



“If you want to call it that,” he answered irritably. She knew this was the moment where she should tell him she needed healing. If it was up to her she did not think she needed healing, it would go away by itself, but Lucius had told her specifically to go to Snape and have him heal her, she was sure it was part of her task to involve Snape that much and resist telling him anything about it. She breathed deeply and got up.



“Actually, Professor, I… I need your help.”



He rolled his eyes. “Can’t you leave it for five minutes?”



“No Sir, it’s not that…I… I’m hurt.”



His eyes narrowed.



“What’s wrong? What happened?”



“I….” What should she say? Should she lie? Should she just refuse him an explanation? “I’m bleeding.”



“What?!” he stepped closer and stared her up and down.



“I’m bleeding.” She pulled her hand softy over her pleated skirt to her crotch and let it rest there hoping it was indication enough. His gaze followed her hand.



“What do you mean, you have an irregular period?”



“No, I’m hurt.”



“What happened?” he asked again, stepping another step closer.



“It doesn’t matter!” she said desperately, “nothing really, I just, I need you to fix it.”



“I’ll take you to the hospital wing, “he said, staring with an empty stare still at her hand on her crotch.



“No! You! You have to do it! You cannot tell anyone! Promise me!”



“What’s the matter?” Suspicion grew in his face.



“Please!”



“What kind of game are you playing now?” She saw him, almost absently minded pulling his wand out of his cloak.



”No!”, she shouted firmly as though her life depended on it and retreated behind the sofa, “You will not look into my mind!” He lowered his wand.



“Why not?”



She hesitated. She had to make something up quickly. She had an idea. She closed her eyes as she began to speak, it was too idiotic to look him in the eyes.



“I had a little accident, ok! I don’t want you to look around for it in my mind. It is private! It was boring and I…tried doing things…to myself – now will you make me stop bleeding or what?!” She opened her eyes and realised just how panicked she had sounded. Snape looked at her bewildered, he could not believe this ridiculous story but he had lowered his wand.



“Come,” he said and escorted her out of the chamber, looking at her wondering from the side all the way down to the dungeons. He brought her into his office and locked the door behind them.



“Get on the desk, “he ordered dryly. She pushed herself up on the desk and lay back, pushing some books out of the way as she did so. As she faced the ceiling she was reminded of her dream in which she displayed herself in front of Snape on a desk. Was he reminded of it she wondered, after all he had seen the dream.



He stepped closer and looked down into her face.



“I suppose”, he started darkly, “you will have to take off your underwear and allow me more access if you want me to have a look, and if there is nothing wrong with you there I will kill you with my bare hands.” He said it all without pausing once. It almost hurt her, did he really think she would use a story as crazy as this if she was nothing but desperate for him? Well, the faster he realised she was not, the better. She pulled up her knees and pulled down her knickers. She could feel herself blushing and was grateful that Snape took hold of her legs and directed them, spreading them on the desk top. She turned her head away ‘just a medical exam, you have had them before’ she tried to tell herself and felt suddenly so weak she wanted to cry. She felt him touching her. First she felt his hand probing at her folds and at her entrance. He did not say anything. She winced at his touch, she was sore to it. Then she felt him starting to probe deeper. It was only his fingers touching her immediate, inner walls but she could not help but cry out, it felt like he was ripping open old wounds. He continued quietly, ignoring her cries and sudden shrieks.

Finally he retreated and softly pushed her knees together. He straightened up and looked down at her. She looked back at him through tear blurred eyes.



“Miss Flame, what happened last night?” She remained quiet.



“If you don’t tell me, I will use Legilimency on you.” She pushed herself up onto her elbows:



“I told you!”



“There is no doubt that you are screwed up in the mind, Miss Flame, but you are not mad enough to masturbate with a giant, sharp fork” he stated dryly. She put her hand over her eyes and bit her lip. He did not believe her - but she was not going to tell him the truth. She would not. Snape sighed and turned. He walked over to one of the wooden cabinets and looked through the small bottles. When he had found what he was searching for he returned with the bottle and a small cloth. He only looked at her, waiting.



She opened her legs for him and he settled back between them.



“This is going to hurt, “he said and started applying the damp cloth to her wounded pussy. She winced and twitched, the sting was worse than she had imagined.



“Is this necessary? Isn’t there a healing charm or something?”



“Oh yes there is, a quite simple one actually,” he said casually, continuing his job, “unfortunately I am the Potions Master, if you want a charm, go to Professor Flitwick.”



She screwed up her face and turned her head away again. If he thought he could weaken her like this or get back at her for what ever it was, he was mistaken. She could handle this. She squirmed and shook at the burning and stinging sensation that his administrations caused inside her but she let him proceed without another word.



Eventually he pushed her knees together again. And got up. He retrieved another small bottle from the cabinet, filled some of it into a cup and held it out to her.



“Drink it.”



She hesitated a moment and looked into the cup. He sighed. “It’s part of the treatment. I have no need to drug you to find out the truth.”



“But it would be easier, I tell you”, she said. He frowned. She drank and put the cup back down.



“It is obvious. He was with you last night.”



She only glared at him, careful not to make the slightest movement that would give her away.



“The headmaster came to talk to me yesterday because Lucius Malfoy had let him know he wanted to come visit his son, either that evening or the following day. It was obvious that he would also look for you. He did not tell me, which made me think he either stopped trusting me or he simply did not involve me because he knew I had a cover to keep. The headmaster and I decided to not tell you about his visit and hide you in empty quarters. We put several wards on the room. No one could leave or enter it, and if you left some other way we would immediately be alarmed. I don’t know how he got in, but I know he was with you last night. It is the only explanation. I know he came to the school last night and stayed for several hours. Not exactly the usual visiting hours. And you emerged from the room in this state. It is obvious.”



Still sitting on his desk she only looked back at him motionless. He glared back at her and for a moment it was very quiet.



“You still want to go back to him,” he said finally, she remained quiet. “I have to say the wide effect of your stupidity is starting to surprise me. I knew it would be hard to get this nonsense out of your mind, but I thought eventually you would get over it.”



“There is nothing else for me,” she said quietly and her eyes kept boring into his and she felt sad. Somehow she was sad to disappoint him, was she even disappointing him? Who could tell what Snape was feeling about anything?



“Thank you for fixing me,” she added softly.



He scoffed, “I wish I was able to fix you.”



She jumped down from the desk and walked towards him slowly. She felt the strong urge to hug and cuddle him, not for him, but for her.



She took his hand and put it into hers and squeezed it softly. She put it to her mouth and kissed it then she pressed it to her cheek and closed her eyes, feeling his warm hand against her face. She expected him to pull away any second, but he didn’t.



She kissed his hand again and stepped into him. She stood so close before him now, she could feel the heat of his body reaching hers. A line of small black buttons right before her. She hesitated but he did not move. She still held his hand in her left when her right reached out to those buttons, as she had done once before, but this time he did not interrupt her when her fingertips touched them. She only let her fingertips slide over them and the stiff fabric of his jacket. Her touch was so faint, he could hardly feel it, and yet, she felt she had never really touched him before, had never been this close, and for the first time he let her. She did not dare look up at his face, scared to ruin the moment.



Instead she slowly pressed her cheek to his chest, closing her eyes again. She heard his heart beat, it felt like she was listening in on something very intimate and again, he did not stop her.



Her hand slid up to his collar and past it. Her fingertips brushed his neck not harder than a breeze. She straightened up her head slowly and nuzzled into his shoulder. Again he did not object. He did not move whatsoever. Was he even breathing? She closed her eyes again and held him like this for a long moment, her fingertips still lightly caressing his neck. Her other hand was still holding his left and she squeezed it softly, pulling it just a little bit more around her body. He let her, but did not continue her motion when she ceased it.



She moved her head just that tiny bit so her lips brushed his neck and she continued for a while, letting her slightly open lips and her breath caress his skin. He still let her.



She felt herself growing weak, she did not know why and what brought it on but she suddenly felt scared and vulnerable and as though she was loosing something, something she had never had. She was very close to asking him to help her and to let go and let him take care of everything. It scared her. She could not be weak now! And yet she could not let go either. But the longer she stayed like this the weaker she got, eventually she started to shake slightly. As she felt tears overcoming her she pulled herself away from him. She stepped back from him and blinked her tears away, she could see his face now, expressionless. He was looking at her intensely, but without anything on his mind, as it seemed.



She did not break the eye contact as she put her hand in her skirt pocket and pulled out the medallion. She put it around her neck, fastened it and looked back at him waiting.



He did not seem surprised by what she was doing, but neither did he seem knowing. He did nothing but look back at her, without suspicion, without annoyance or confusion. He only looked at her.



“There is only small difference between love and obsession, Professor,” she said with a tiny, broken voice and her lip started to tremble, “I love you.” Her eyes seemed to sparkle as tears filled up in them again, then she felt a sudden pull that made her stumble backwards and a tight grip around her neck and she was pulled away in a whirl of light.

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Ok, can I just ask does the outcome of this chapter seem a bit “come out of nowhere” to you? The whole loving Snape thing? For I did not plan this to happen! Kirsty did this on her own and I was surely as baffled as Snape was as I was writing this.