Pains and Contradictions

Disclaimer: I am not JK Rowling and I make nothing from this story but personal satisfaction.

Warnings: Although not every chapter will have sex and violence, this story is rated NC-17. It's not safe for work or school and make sure your mother isn't reading over your shoulder.

A/N: I have returned! I was never truly away, but the last few months were exhausting for me. I finished my Snarry Holidays fic, but was forced to give up on my Severus Big Bang fic. I got to about 15k of 50 and just decided I needed a break. I've written a few ficlets since then, but this is the first real thing I've written for a while.

It feels good to be back.

Thank you to everyone who read the story while I was away. Your lovely reviews and enthusiasm make me so incredibly happy and I can't thank you all enough. I'm really hoping to get to the end by August, but we still have a little ways to go until then. I'm grateful to all of you who have stuck by me all this time.

Thanks go to Torina for the wonderful SPaG beta and to RaeWhit who tamed the smut and made sure all the limbs were in their proper places. Thank you, ladies.

*

Harry inhaled deeply as he woke, finding himself buried under a curtain of Severus' hair, their arms and legs tangled under the blankets.

He took a quick look around the room, but couldn't find anything that would have woken him, so he lay back down and grasped Severus tighter. Severus mumbled in his sleep and ran his hand down the small of Harry's back, then rubbed his leg over Harry's own before finding a comfortable position and drifting into silence once again.

Harry smiled in the dark and allowed himself to look his fill, to enjoy this for as long as he possibly could. Severus had said that they'd have to 'rejoin the world' today, and Harry knew that meant the end of their forced holiday. No more long talks, no more mid-morning gropes followed by mid-afternoon naps and sex. No more ignoring what was taking place outside the dungeon walls.

Although he was forced to admit he had no idea what was happening outside these walls. No news had reached them in the ten days they'd spent in bed. Severus had seen no point in it while Harry was recovering; there was nothing either of them could do to help.

And now that he'd recovered fully—had been fully recovered for days now, actually—the idea of leaving this room and facing everything that was out there left him wishing he was still ill.

It wasn't fear, at least not for himself. No, he knew he wasn't blessed with that particular sign of self-preservation, as Severus had said. It was something far worse, he thought.

He wanted it to end, of course he did. But was it so terrible if he just wanted to spend a little more time here, alone with Severus? After all they'd gone through, after all he had done, ten days just didn't seem like enough time. He forced himself not to think of the worst thing that could happen, or how unlikely it was for both of them to survive the war...

He sighed, then looked over to Severus again, barely able to make out the pale outline of his nose as he burrowed further into the pillow.

He contented himself with looking for a few more minutes, lost in his thoughts and wishing this could last for just a little longer when suddenly the dwindling fire sprung back to life in the hearth.

Harry had his wand in his hand before he took his next breath as he sat up, fully expecting Severus to have already cursed whoever was in the room until he cast a look to the chair in the corner.

"Ron," he said, lowering his wand. He suddenly noticed how the covers had fallen when he'd sat up and adjusted them.

"Hi, Harry," Ron said, sitting in the wingback chair in the far corner of the room with his legs crossed, as though he often visited that spot and was more than comfortable in it.

"Um. Hi." He looked at Ron, then chanced a glance at Severus, who was still sound asleep with his nose buried deep into his pillow.

"So you finally got to where you wanted to be, yeah?" Ron asked, making a vague gesture around the room, then at Severus, bundled up in the blankets.

His body calming, adrenaline having done its job, Harry sank back against the headboard and looked around the room himself.

"Yeah," he said absentmindedly. "Yeah, I have."

"And you're happy?"

Not able to keep the smile from lighting up his face, Harry looked down to Severus again and gently ran a hand over his hair.

"I never thought I could be so happy," he said quietly, honestly.

Realizing he sounded like a ridiculous romantic, Harry kept his eyes on Severus for a moment longer before looking back at Ron. He had a sad smile on his face, and Harry had no idea why.

"That's good, Harry. I'm glad for you, mate. I really am."

Harry nodded and smiled, a slight tension that he hadn't noticed before easing inside him. He'd felt terrible at how quickly he'd stopped grieving for his best friend, and knowing that he approved of the path his life had taken meant more to him than he could say.

"And you're feeling better now?" Ron asked, bringing Harry back to the conversation.

"Yeah, much. Better than ever, really."

Ron nodded, but kept his eyes on Harry, peering at him intently as his posture became even more relaxed.

"Then why are you still in bed, Harry?"

Harry laughed nervously for a second, then looked down, not knowing exactly how to answer that. He knew what he had to do, and all the reasons he had to do it. Avenging Ron was only one of many, so how did he explain why he wasn't casting off the blankets and getting back to it?

"I...um..."

"Why are you still in bed, Harry? There's a war going on outside. I know it's safe and comfortable here..."

Harry...

"You've had your rest. It's time to get up now," Ron continued plainly with no argument is his voice.

"I know, and I will—"

"Then why are you still in bed?"

Harry...

Squirming under Ron's assault, Harry felt guilt wash over him and tried to defend himself.

"I'm not, I'm—"

"Harry." Ron looked him in the eye and plainly said, "Get up. You have work to do."

Potter!

Harry was woken by the thump of a pillow to his head, then made extremely uncomfortable as the chill of the dungeons ran over his uncovered, naked body.

"Severus?" he asked, blinking as the light from the bathroom shined in his eyes.

"Hmph. Is it always this difficult to get you out of bed, or is this a special occasion?" Severus asked, his frown visible to Harry even without his glasses.

"Special occasion," Harry said, putting the pillow over his head. "End of our holiday and all," he continued with a sigh, knowing he had to get out of bed and fighting to gather the strength of will to face the outside world.

"You've been better for days now, Harry; you knew it had to end at some point," Severus said as he turned towards the bathroom. A moment later and the sound of the shower running could be heard and then the toilet being used.

"Yeah, there's work to be done," Harry said, finally removing himself from the protection of his pillow and putting on his glasses. Severus exited the bathroom in his robe, glaring at Harry who was still not getting out of bed.

"Yes, there is. We've been isolated for far too long. While I don't think Dumbledore would have kept anything earth-shattering from us, I have no doubt that things have happened while we've been away." Severus sighed as he sat down on the edge of the bed, then looked down at Harry, the glare lessening somewhat as he took in Harry's face.

"Did you sleep well?"

Harry smiled and stretched, then reached up and touched Severus' face, then his neck, letting his hand trail over his robe.

"Yeah. Had another dream about Ron."

Harry felt Severus tense under his hand, and he could feel his unease through the bond. Severus was silent for a moment before he looked down and asked, "Would you like to talk about it?"

Knowing how difficult it had been for Severus just to ask that question, Harry smiled as he shook his head. "No, I'm fine. It wasn't a bad dream, just...."

"Just..." Severus asked, not allowing Harry to get out of explaining himself.

"Sometimes when I dream of him, he tells me things." He looked up at the ceiling, the memory of his dream still burning brightly in his mind. "This time he told me I had to get up."

Scoffing, Severus laid a hand on Harry's chest and asked, "You do realize...?"

"I'm not an idiot," Harry said sarcastically. "But I always forget while I'm actually dreaming."

"That's how dreams work," Severus said, letting his hand slide up Harry's chest to his neck, and then his face. "And he was right. It is time to get up."

"I know," he said, but made no move to join Severus.

A long sigh, then Severus cupped his face, turning Harry's eyes towards him.

"Is there another reason you're so reluctant to rejoin the world? I would think that you'd miss Lupin enough to want to get out of bed to see him, if nothing else."

Harry had no idea how to tell Severus what was currently plaguing his mind without causing Severus to lose all respect for him. It wasn't fear that made him want to curl under the blankets—at least not fear for himself.

"There's a war going on outside," he said softly, afraid of recrimination, "and you and I are at the center of it. After the attack..." he trailed off and allowed Severus to grasp his hand firmly, taking strength in the touch. "It's all speeding up to the end...and I know I'm not ready. I have to kill the bastard, I have to face him alone, and I can't win. At least not yet."

Determination

Pride

Slowly, Severus descended the distance between them and kissed Harry softly on the lips. Running a hand through his hair, he softly said, "We will train, beginning today, and you will be ready. And Harry," he said quietly, fiercely, "you will not be alone."

A soft smile broke out across Harry face at the words and he kissed Severus back.

"I'll not leave you," Severus said, running a thumb over Harry's cheekbone. "I'll be with you until the end."

"Thank you," Harry said, knowing the words were not strong enough for what he wanted to express.

With a nod, Severus pulled back and asked, "Ready to face the day?"

"Yeah," Harry said, still not moving, watching Severus' back as he retreated.

From the bathroom Severus called out, "Of course soon we'll have larger things to worry about, like whether the stench of unwashed male will ever leave the sheets."

Harry groaned and began to say goodbye to the bed. He burrowed his head into the pillow one last time before stroking the purple blanket sadly.

"Are you my bondmate or my ward? Your hair is greasier than mine and cleansing charms can only do so much. In!" Severus shouted as he pointed to the shower, his patience seeming to finally be at an end.

Swinging his legs over the edge of the bed, Harry groaned and rubbed his eyes before standing up. He walked into the bathroom, curious as to why Severus was still there, then watched as he let his robe drop to the floor.

"Oh."

Harry let his eyes roam over Severus' slender body, then back to his face to watch it twist up in a smirk.

"Harry," he said softly, "the holiday may be over, but you do realize that we are now living together?"

Tilting his head upward, Harry responded with a kiss, then a smirk of his own as he felt Severus' cock twitch against his thigh. Before either could get too distracted, Severus broke off the kiss and entered the shower.

"At least I think we're living together," Severus muttered under his breath. "Merlin knows what decisions were made in our absence. Now hurry up and get in. The wolf is meeting us in less than half an hour in our sitting room."

The enticement of a naked Severus worked wonders, Harry thought as he hurried into the shower, only too glad to help Severus get those hard to reach places. He allowed Severus' touch to distract him, trying and failing to quell his fear over what lurked on the other side of the door.

*

Remus wrapped his robe tighter around himself as he descended the stairs to the dungeons. Although he knew it was likely in his head, he could've sworn the temperature dropped significantly as walked down the steps and into the damp hallway that led to Severus' quarters.

Breakfast had finished and he watched as professors and members of the Order escorted students to their classes, an eerie, horrible silence hanging over them where there should've been enthusiastic chatter. The past ten days had given them nothing to be cheerful about, Remus lamented, and Merlin only knew how long all this would last.

He watched in silence as Tonks walked in the middle of a group of Slytherins leaving their potions class to ascend the stairs. A moment later he rushed forward in concern when a little blonde girl dropped her book bag and began to panic as books spilled out onto the floor. He quickly put her books in order for her, his smile seeming to quell her fear somewhat. Looking up to see that the entire class had stopped for her, his own forgotten fear seized him as he met Tonk's eyes.

It was one thing when children were afraid. Children are often afraid in the face of the unknown. But to see a grown woman, an Auror, terrified...

Not knowing what else to do, he smiled at her as well; wanting to reassure her of something, anything in all the uncertainty. She returned his smile, though it didn't reach her eyes, and their hands touched briefly as he handed her the girl's book bag.

He watched them leave, then forced his fear down as he had been doing for days. Not that it was doing a bit of good; every sentient being in the castle was on high alert. Their fear was almost tangible; Remus thought he could cut through the tension with a knife.

He sighed and thought about how much things had changed since he'd last seen Harry.

The past ten days had been uncomfortable for him to say the least. Since Dumbledore had made him Harry's proxy he'd had to attend every meeting as a stand-in for his young friend. When Dumbledore had wanted to interrupt Harry's recovery prematurely, Remus had pushed his fear of what was to come aside and made it very clear that that was one thing he wouldn't stand for. After all the time they'd spend apart, after how hurt Harry had been—in more ways than one—Remus had wanted to give he and Severus as much time together as he possibly could.

He'd had to remind Dumbledore about the bond needing to mature several times during the week to keep his concerns at bay, but the point was it had worked.

When Severus had contacted him yesterday—his hair mussed and his expression satisfied—Remus had been beyond relieved. Of course the joy he felt at being able to see Harry again was momentarily countered by the knowledge that he was about to disturb the only honeymoon Harry and Severus were likely to have.

He knocked on the door to Severus' quarters, and the loudness of the sound once again only called attention to the disturbing quiet of the castle and its occupants. He waited for a moment, then the door cracked open and Severus barked out an 'enter!'

The juxtaposition in which he found himself was unsettling to say the least.

Leaving the unnaturally cold, quiet halls of Hogwarts, Remus stepped into a warm sitting room that was alive with the sound of deep murmuring and poorly contained laughter. He closed the door and stepped entirely into the room, feeling as though he had brought the war in with him.

Harry and Severus were sitting next to each other on the sofa, close but not so close that they were touching. That had probably been at Severus' insistence, Remus thought, and he was proven correct a moment later when Severus inched away from Harry in an attempt at putting a bit more distance between them.

Amused, Remus watched as Severus' plan failed and Harry leaned towards him all the same.

Neither were looking at him as he walked into the room, still alone in the world they'd no doubt created over the last week and a half, and so Remus took a moment to observe them.

There was no doubt that they'd resolved whatever differences had still been between them when Severus had finally acquiesced and allowed Harry to come down with him into the dungeons. The smile that graced Harry's face was enough to light up the room, and Remus was glad to see it.

Ten days of frightened children, exhausted Order members, and meetings where nothing was resolved had taken its toll, and seeing someone—anyone—happy did Remus good.

But he'd been expecting Harry's happiness. What was surprising was the fact that Severus seemed unable to hide his smile as well.

Well. Smirk was perhaps a better description, but he'd seen several versions of Severus' definition of a smile and he knew he'd never seen this one before. He hoped it meant Severus was finally happy.

Someone should be, he thought a moment later, when the two of them finally turned to greet him.

"Remus!" Harry said cheerfully, standing up and walking over to him, his steps faltering as he examined Remus' face.

Feeling as though he was ruining all the fun they'd been having, Remus quickly smiled and walked the rest of the distance towards Harry.

"It's good to see you, Harry, Severus," he said, grabbing Harry's shoulder in a friendly gesture, then nodding to Severus on the sofa.

Severus who was just as astute as Harry.

"What's happened?" he asked with a glare, and Remus took that as permission to sit. Harry rejoined Severus on the sofa and laced their hands together. Remus hated having to stifle his smile, but he forced himself to as Severus turned his glare on Harry and snatched his hand away.

Rolling his eyes, Harry grabbed Severus' hand again and put it in his lap. "You look like hell, Remus. I know...um...well, I know we've been out of the loop, but—"

"Out with it, Lupin!"

Remus crossed his legs and put his elbows on the armrests of his chair. "It's not so much what's happened as what hasn't happened."

Harry gave a confused 'huh?' while Severus muttered something that vaguely sounded like a threat.

"There have been more attacks," he started slowly, not wanting to delve too deeply into this topic when he knew Dumbledore would be going over it again later. "Godric's Hollow was raided, Harry. The remains of your family's home was burned to the ground."

Paling slightly, Harry whispered, "Oh," and Remus saw Severus grasp his hand tighter. "I didn't even know it was still there."

"It was," Remus said, not knowing what else to say—knowing it had to be odd to lose something you hadn't known you had.

"I'm sorry, Harry," Severus whispered softly, and Harry nodded while trying to smile.

"What else?" he asked plainly.

"I meant what I said—there's been nothing but these raids, and the Order is hardly able to do anything about them. How do you defend against something so random? Entire towns?"

"And Hogwarts?" Severus asked with a tension that hadn't been there a moment before.

Running a hand through his hair, Remus grimaced and said, "Dumbledore wants to speak with the both of you when we're done here. Hogwarts is on full alert. The Floo network within the school has been shut down, Order members are guarding the gates around the clock, escorting students to class..." He trailed off and looked Harry in the eye. "It's feels like a far different place than the one you left ten days ago.

"I wanted to see you before Dumbledore did, Harry," Remus continued. "To warn you, yes, but..." He trailed off, knowing how ridiculous what he was about to say would sound, but decided to say it anyway. "I'll be honest—it's good to see you laughing again."

Harry smiled and turned to Severus, who hardly seemed amused.

"And where does everyone believe Harry to be?" he asked through gritted teeth, though Remus knew he what he was really asking. Had they been found out? Did everyone know of their relationship?

"You're recovering at an undisclosed location," he said to Harry, watching as Severus breathed a sigh of relief. "Though I did let Hermione know where you were. She can be quite demanding when she wants to be."

"Yeah," Harry said with a laugh and a far-away look in his eyes. "That's going to be a fun conversation."

"It's important to keep your friends close to you, Harry, especially in times such as these," Severus said quietly. Remus silently agreed.

"I know. So..." he said, then turned to Remus again. "If Dumbledore's going to go over everything anyway...how have you been?"

Smiling was still a relief at this point, Remus thought as he said, "Good. And the two of you? What have you been up to?" Harry gave a nervous laugh and Severus smirked, leaving Remus feeling like an idiot. "I have no idea what was going through my mind to ask that question."

This time Harry's laugh was genuine, and Remus watched as Severus' eyes softened at the sound of it.

"I am sorry I had to be the one to break up your honeymoon..."

"Honeymoon?" Harry asked as though he'd never heard the word. "What honeymoon?"

"Oh, um—" Remus floundered for a moment, glancing at Severus and wondering if he'd just put his foot so far into his mouth he'd never see it again. "Well, perhaps you're not actually married, but—"

"Hold on," Harry said, then turned to Severus. "I thought we were married."

Remus hadn't had Severus' glare turned on him in such a way in years.

"'Magical equivalent of marriage' does not translate into marriage. Do you recall saying vows?" Severus asked Harry, though his glare was still on Remus.

"Well, no. So, wait, does this mean we're going to get married?"

Severus sputtered and looked at Harry incredulously before standing up. "I'm going to my office."

For a moment Remus worried he'd not only spoiled their holiday but had also caused their first real fight as couple, but then Harry said, "Say hello to all the slimy things for me."

He'd seen it briefly before, but it did him a world of good to see Harry tease Severus.

"I'll return when whatever silliness that exists between the two of you has run its course," Severus grumbled.

Remus waited until the door to Severus' office was partially closed—it seemed Severus wasn't willing to let Harry out of earshot—before he softly said, "Oh, dear. I didn't mean to cause any...awkward conversations."

Harry waved a hand through the air and said, "You didn't. Bonded, married, I don't care. But even after the last week, it's nice knowing that I can..." he trailed off, but Remus knew exactly what he meant.

"So, baring any details, how have you—"

"Wait just a second," Harry said, then called out over his shoulder, "Severus, what do you think about a June wedding?"

The sound of glass breaking and grumbling could barely be heard over Harry's soft laughter.

"Sorry about that. I don't think he cares either," Harry said in a whisper, "I think it's just the idea of flowers and chocolates and...well, people that ruffle his feathers."

This had been exactly what he'd hoped it would be, Remus thought as he leaned back further into his chair. This cozy domesticity might not belong to him, but observing from the outside was balm to his soul nonetheless. He was glad the conversation had steered away from the war. There'd be time enough for that in a few minutes when they went to speak with Dumbledore.

"And how are you now, Harry?" he asked solemnly, letting Harry know by his tone that he meant for his question to be answered with more than a 'fine, thanks.'

"I'm wonderful," he responded genuinely. "Really, I've never been better." As soon as he spoke the words, however, his expression turned sour and he looked at the door that led to the dungeons.

"Is it terrible out there?" Harry asked quietly—fearfully—and Remus saw Severus peek his head through his office door out of the corner of his eye. "Were we gone too long?"

"No," Remus answered truthfully. "You've been gone as long as was needed, Harry. There's nothing wrong with recovering, and you have a long road ahead of you." He looked Harry in the eye and slowly said, "And yes, it's terrible out there. I'm very glad Severus came to his senses when he did."

Quietly—much to Remus' surprise—Severus left his office and rejoined Harry on the sofa, not hesitating to take his smaller hand in his own. He watched as Harry looked at the door, then at Severus, some silent communication happening between them before he stood up.

"Right. Well, what are we waiting for?"

*

Harry shivered as he walked up the stairs from the dungeons, Severus on one side and Remus on his other. They'd left their quarters just as class had let out, and Harry felt awkwardly conspicuous as the students left their classrooms only to stare at him in open wonder.

The castle was as oddly quiet as Remus had described; the only sound in the hallways were voices whispering his name. Trying to make it seem as though he'd rather be anywhere but by Severus' side, Harry tried to grimace and slump his shoulders, quickly finding it all too natural as the anxiety crept inside him.

He heard his name muttered again and managed to pick up a few scattered phrased: 'almost died' and 'this is because of him' and 'if he were gone we'd be left alone.' Clenching his fists, it was all he could do to not grab Severus' hand as they headed towards the staircase that led to Dumbledore's office.

"Ignore them," Severus said as they ascended the stairs, but it was easier said than done. Even the Order members were watching him as he walked by, and God knew what they'd been told about where he'd been.

Harry did his best to keep his eyes straight ahead; not looking to see all the people that were lined up outside the halls as he walked by, trying to feel like the weight of the world wasn't crashing down on his shoulders when it was.

He felt every accusatory stare, witnessed every pitying look and silently wished it was yesterday.

"We're almost there, Harry," Remus said quietly beside him, and Harry saw him wave an Order member on out of the corner of his eye. "Don't pay them any attention. They're simply...curious."

Severus scoff mirrored Harry's own, and he was about to reply when they passed the Transfiguration classroom and his year mates stepped out.

Neville was the first to see him, his eyes widening with equal parts fear and amazement. "Harry! Oh, I'm so glad to see you—" But before Neville could get anywhere close to him, Severus had put up his hand to stop him.

For a moment Harry thought Severus was going to say something, but it seemed his glare was enough to silence poor Neville.

"Hi, um..." Harry trailed off as Seamus and Dean came up beside him and Harry knew it was only a matter of time before...

"Harry?"

He heard a soft voice calling over to him and looked towards at Hermione; her face pale and her expression guarded.

"Um..."

He watched as her eyes darted to him and then to Severus, then down to the floor as though simply by looking at them she'd be giving them away. He wanted to tell her where he'd been, that he was alright, that he'd speak to her soon, but there was a crowd growing and he could feel Severus' anxiety rising.

"I have to go and speak with Dumbledore," he told everyone who'd crowded around him. "I'll talk to you later...everyone."

With a quick look back to Severus the rest of his year mates continued to their next class, some Order member Harry didn't know patiently escorting them. Only Hermione stayed behind, looking first towards the group she was supposed to stay with, then Harry, then her shoes.

"Hermione," he said softly, "we'll talk later. Not here."

She nodded in that heartsick manner she'd adopted since June, then hurried along towards Neville. Running a hand through his hair, Harry felt his heart twisting as he watched her—watched them all—go, knowing that if he failed they'd be the ones to suffer.

A silence passed over the hallway, and Harry felt the weight of it fall all around him, threatening to bury him. The situation in which he found himself struck him like a fist and he suddenly realized what was expected of him. He'd known the truth for over a year—his heart had known it far longer—and yet only in that moment did he finally understand what would happen if he failed.

And then suddenly the cold was chased away by a warm hand wrapping itself around his own and he felt soft hair tickle his cheek. Not bothering to see who was watching, Harry looked over to Severus, whose eyes were half on Harry and half on the hallway.

"You'll not face it alone," he whispered, repeating his promise from this morning when Harry couldn't have known how much he would have need of it. "You are not alone."

Gripping the hand in his tightly, Harry let his forehead lean against Severus chin for a moment before he pulled away, nodding; telling Severus everything he couldn't say aloud with his eyes. A nod and then they were walking again, Remus a silent witness to his moment of self-doubt.

The air remained thick as they finally arrived at Dumbledore's office, ascending the stairs with an air of solemn quiet. Halfway up the stairs, Harry reached for Severus' hand again, hoping he'd allow the somewhat-public display of affection, and relaxed just a fraction as he felt Severus' long-fingered hand grasp his.

Gripping it tighter, Harry walked with Severus and Remus into Dumbledore's office, taking in the disarray they met as they walked inside.

The chessboard that he'd noticed before was sitting on the edge of Dumbledore's desk, and Harry watched how Severus took notice of it. Harry wished he'd paid more attention to Ron when he'd been playing chess, as he knew there was something he was missing. The pieces were in different positions than they'd been the last time he'd seen it; the black queen was in the center of the board and several of the white pieces had been removed. Looking over to Severus, Harry watched him analyze the board, then scowl.

Dumbledore seemed to be in his own world at the moment; he looked up and barely acknowledged them with a 'have a seat, boys' before returning to his correspondence. They did as they were instructed, Harry half-surprised that he hadn't been offered tea and second breakfast by now. Dumbledore's distraction and the utter quiet in the room were like an odd weight upon him, and Harry felt as though there were less air in here than there had been in the hallway.

Finally, he handed over the parchment to Fawkes—who took it, then disappeared in a puff of smoke— before Dumbledore leaned back in his chair and gave them a weak smile.

"Oh, my boys," Dumbledore said, his eyes betraying the fear that his tone did not. "I'm so relieved to see you together," he said as his eyes looked down to their joined hands. Harry felt Severus move a bit, as though he were going to release him, but he didn't. "And was the time you spent away enough? Do you feel well and truly settled?"

Harry frowned and looked to Severus, who looked back seeming more annoyed than confused.

"Um..." Harry said, having no idea what to say to that. Dumbledore chuckled quietly.

"Albus," Severus said, rubbing his temples with his left hand, "could we please skip the pleasantries—as amusing as they are—and speak about what's brought us here?"

The false smile Dumbledore had been forcing fell, and he looked down at his desk. "Although your relationship is a vital part of the war effort, I do care for you both. I'd thought you had realized that, Severus."

There wasn't an ounce of remorse coming from Severus, and Harry squeezed his hand to try and belay his temper.

Teeth ground together and jaw clenched, Severus said, "My apologies, Headmaster. We are well. Harry has made a full recovery and we are more than ready to continue contributing to the Order. Yourself?"

"As well as can be, thank you."

"And the weather?"

"Severus—" Remus began, but Harry rushed to stop the impending argument.

"What's happened since we've been gone?" he asked, wanting the most important question answered first. "The castle feels more like a—a fortress than a school."

"Harry, much has happened since you've been away, and yet..." Dumbledore trailed off and looked over at Remus, who seemed to want to be anywhere but here.

"The castle is on high alert," Dumbledore began, and Harry leaned in to listen. "There hasn't been another attack on Hogwarts, but Voldemort has escalated his attacks on wizarding villages."

"Godric's Hollow," Harry said in a low voice, taking pause as he envisioned a home he'd never known destroyed.

Dumbledore's gaze passed to Remus for a moment, then said, "Yes." Harry," Dumbledore began, meeting his eyes. His hands began to slowly trace over some parchment on his desk, his reluctance to speak evident through his actions. "These attacks—the train, the pitch, Godric's Hollow—have made it very obvious what Voldemort wants."

"He's targeting you, Harry," Severus said, saying in words what Dumbledore was only dancing around.

"But he's always been targeting me," Harry replied, his fear beginning to rise and his temper with it. "He's been targeting me since I came to this school. What's changed?"

"He's trying to lure you out," Severus said quickly, as though it were the most obvious thing in the world. "What is our strategy?" Severus asked, and Harry bristled for a moment, hating that they were talking about his life without his input, but then Severus squeezed his hand again and he calmed.

"That's the problem," Remus offered quietly from his seat. "He wants Harry. We've always known that," he said, his voice growing louder as his obvious frustration grew. "And with this bond between you finally in place and maturing, we know exactly how the end is going to play out, but..."

Fear

Uncertainty

"What are you going to do?" Severus asked, his voice low and dark, glaring at Dumbledore and releasing Harry's hand for the first time since he'd taken it.

"Nothing drastic, I assure you. However, the end does revolve around Harry. You knew that, Severus; you've always known that."

Severus sneered at the implication, but it was the silent fear that penetrated the bond that was enough to startle Harry. Clearing his mind and forcing Severus' emotions away from him, Harry focused on the matter at hand, and looked around the men in the room as though everyone was in on the secret except him.

"I don't understand," Harry said, looking at Dumbledore. "What's the plan? What are we going to do? We can't just let this go on..."

"And we won't, Harry—"

"How many people have died because of me—because I was in bed for over a week?" he asked, his voice cold, but his anger growing.

"Harry," Severus whispered, grabbing Harry's hand again, "no one's died because of you. None of this is your fault."

Harry grabbed his hand away, turning back to Dumbledore and ignoring the small stab of hurt he felt through the bond. "He wants me; all of this can only end with me." He looked around at the three of them, starting to shout as adrenaline and fear took over. "By my hand, with my wand. This is my fight." All eyes were on him and he hated feeling so exposed, being at the center of things. "I can't let people die because I'm not ready."

"Harry, listen to me," Severus said, grabbing his shoulders and turning him so they were face-to-face. "None of this is your fault. You can't rush this."

Wanting no comfort at a time like this—guilt rushing through him, adrenaline burning through his veins—Harry pushed Severus off and shouted, "Don't you dare talk to me about fault. You of all people have no right to tell me that."

Distress

Pain

Outwardly Severus remained unaffected, but Harry knew he'd stepped over the line. He felt remorse instantly and his anger left him as quickly as it had come. "I'm sorry," he muttered softly, hoping no one but Severus had heard him.

The hands hadn't left his shoulders.

His eyes were on the floor, so he only heard the scraping of a chair and then Severus was sitting next to him, his hand tight on his shoulder. His fear briefly forgotten, Harry allowed himself a moment to be amazed. He'd expected Severus to ignore him at best, or worse walk out of the room in response to his cruelty.

In the midst of his fear and panic, Harry felt the warm comfort of Severus' hand on his shoulder and closed his eyes.

I'll not leave you.

"You'll not use him as bait," Severus said firmly, bringing Harry back into the conversation. "Just because you have no other plan—"

"There's nothing else he wants, Severus, aside from Harry," Dumbledore responded, his voice losing its calm tone as he grew more and more agitated. "And you make it sound as if I want to send him out completely unprepared—"

"Then how would you do it? And when?"

Dumbledore sat back in his chair and ran a hand over his eyes, then down his beard.

"How close is he to being ready? Has the bond matured enough?"

Severus released his shoulder, and Harry watched him lower his arm and glare at Dumbledore, then close his eyes. Slowly, Harry felt a warm sensation somewhere in the back of his mind, as though a string were being pulled taunt between himself and Severus, their powers flowing along the bond. He couldn't help closing his eyes in response, and tried to reach out and touch Severus the way he was being touched. He tried to imagine some imperceptible hand touching the thing he couldn't see, only felt, but failed. He opened his eyes to see Dumbledore's expectant gaze.

"Well?" Dumbledore asked, his tone betraying his anxiousness.

"It's stronger than before," Severus said, opening his eyes, and Harry felt the warm sensation fade. "Much stronger, but I haven't even begun to test it."

"How much time will you need?"

"There's no way of knowing..." Severus said with a sigh, then looked over at Harry. "I'll need a few days, at least, to gauge how long it will take—"

"No."

Harry was almost as surprised as the others that the word had come from his mouth.

"We can't waste any time," he said calmly, as sure of himself as he'd ever been. "If these raids won't stop...if people keep dying because I need time..."

"Harry, there's no sense in facing him unprepared," Severus said.

"And where would this confrontation take place?" Remus asked. "As Severus said, we can't use you as bait. What would we do? Have him attack the castle?"

Remus' statement gave Harry pause as he considered what an attack on Hogwarts would mean. He chased away thoughts of students dying and said, "Then send me to Grimmauld Place or...some deserted area in the country where no one will get hurt—"

"But to what end, my boy?" Dumbledore asked. "And how would Voldemort receive word of your location? Our only spy has finally taken a side, which leaves us with limited options."

Running a hand over his face, Harry closed his eyes for a moment as he felt the situation he was in spiral out of control. After all this time, it felt as though he shouldn't be so surprised to find Dumbledore without any solid plan. Every time he'd faced Voldemort and won it had been out of sheer luck or from his mother's protection. There'd been no strategic plan, no well-coordinated effort. Why did everyone expect to make one now?

"Just let me go," he said ardently, his hands shaking in his anger and fear. "If he attacks the castle, then everyone will—" he broke off and looked towards Severus. Severus, who'd now publicly betrayed Voldemort, Severus who would be susceptible to vicious attack, second only to Harry as a target of the Death Eaters' desire for violence.

If staying at Hogwarts meant putting everyone Harry cared about at risk, then he had no choice but to go.

"Please," he begged Dumbledore. "I can't be the reason more people die. There's been too much already..."

He quietly broke off as fingers touched his arm and he turned towards Severus, his hand reaching out to touch Severus' own, needing him in a way he never had until now.

"If you go now," Severus said slowly, in a voice so low Harry knew no one else could hear, "he will kill you."

Shaking his head, Harry fought to deny that; he wanted to tell Severus he was ready, that the bond was mature enough, that he could do this, but he was silenced by a firm grip on his chin.

"Listen to me!" Severus said in a violent hiss. "I don't know how much time you need, but I know if you go now he will kill you...easily. And what would happen to your friends then?"

Ripping his face away from that hand, Harry opened his mouth to respond, but was stopped by Dumbledore. "And what would happen to Severus, Harry? With you dead, Severus would be Voldemort's prime target, or second, perhaps, only to me."

Closing his eyes, Harry sought to calm his body and control his emotions as he took in the truth.

"You're the only one who can destroy him, Harry," Dumbledore continued, relentless in his efforts to make Harry hear him. "You and Severus were bonded for a reason. It will be this bond, with this man, that will defeat him." He was silent for a moment, and Harry tried to breathe, tried to take strength from Severus, who was holding his hand so tightly it was nearly painful.

"You must be patient," Dumbledore said, and then silence filled the room; not a sound could be heard but the sound of Harry's rough breathing.

The grip on his hand diminished as he gained control of himself. Harry felt deflated and lost.

"He'll stay with me," Severus said, suddenly breaking the silence. "I'll not be away from him any longer."

"It was never my idea to separate the two of you," Dumbledore said, his voice grim. "No one outside of the people in this room—and Hermione Granger—know about the relationship between yourself and Harry, Severus. I'm going to keep it that way for the time being."

"The odds of keeping a secret in this school—"

"You will make every effort," Dumbledore interrupted. "I'm confident no one suspects a thing. It makes perfect sense that Severus—a dark arts expert and member of the Order—would train Harry to defeat Voldemort. If there are any questions raised, and I don't believe there will be, that will be my answer. We can't risk the students finding out. It would be a disaster."

Severus scoffed even as Harry silently agreed. He wasn't sure what would be the bigger scandal—the fact that a student had taken up with a teacher or that the Boy-Who-Lived was bonded to a former Death Eater.

"Did you have any other concerns?" Dumbledore asked, already shuffling the parchment on his desk.

"No," Severus said. "We'll begin training today and then every day after Harry's classes—"

"Do you think that wise?" Dumbledore asked, interrupting, and Harry felt Severus' anger and witnessed Remus' shock. He looked first at Severus, then Remus, having no idea what Dumbledore had inferred that had them both so upset.

Rage

Fury

"Harry will survive this war," Severus said in a deadly voice, but Harry had no idea where it had come from. "He will survive this war and when he does he will use the education he's acquired here to do whatever the hell he wants. You'll not turn him into some weapon, some empty vessel to use at your whim!"

"How dare you—"

"I don't think you should say anything right now, Albus," Remus said, standing to come between the two men.

"I have Harry's best interests at heart, Severus," Dumbledore said firmly. "He can always catch up on his studies after the war—"

Severus stood up so quickly he turned his chair over in his haste. Grabbing Harry's hand, he began to storm towards the door, nearly dragging Harry after him. Quickly, Harry pulled Severus back, not releasing his hand, but needing to say something to Dumbledore, needing to settle all of this. His future felt as though it was hanging in midair, with no one but Severus and Remus protecting it.

Harry's gaze passed the chaos of Dumbledore's desk, ignoring Remus—who stood as though he wanted to walk right out with them—and looked into troubled blue eyes.

"I—" he started, but faltered. There were no words. His anger calming in the face of Severus' righteous fury, Harry was able to see how complicated the situation was and how Dumbledore only wanted the end of it in the quickest way possible.

Harry felt exactly the same way and had no idea what to do with it.

"Harry," Severus said in the same soft voice he'd used in the bedroom this morning. His hand was squeezed, then pulled in the direction of the door.

Not knowing what to say, he turned from Dumbledore and looked at his friend.

"I'll see you later, Remus," he said, and with that they walked out the door. As they trudged down the staircase, Severus released his hand and Harry immediately felt alone without it. The walk down to the dungeon was colder than it had even been, and Harry put his hands in his pockets though they were no substitute for Severus' warmth.

*

Severus opened the door and allowed Harry to walk inside, taking another look around the hallway before stepping in himself. He thought it more than a little unwise to walk down to the dungeons with Harry, but people were bound to see them together if they were going to be training as intensely as he planned. And if anyone asked, that's exactly what he would tell them. But the fear of being discovered was burrowing deep within him, and Severus knew that was only one of a long list of their problems.

Walking further into the room, he discovered the fire had burned out, leaving the area far colder than it had been when they left. He watched as Harry rubbed his hands along his arms, his back to Severus as he stared at their bedroom door.

Severus relit the fire and then walked towards Harry, hardly knowing what to say but determined to give him whatever it was he needed. Grabbing hold of firm shoulders, then running his hands over Harry's arms, Severus tried to think of something to say that would give Harry any measure of comfort, but came up wanting.

"Harry..." he started, then realized there was hardly anything he could say. He'd said everything already, and he knew Harry would hardly welcome a repeat of words that would only go so far. Harry was breathing quickly, his body vibrating in fear and rage, but he brought up his hands to cover Severus' own.

"How long were we gone?" Harry asked, trying and failing for nonchalant.

"Less than an hour."

"Oh." Their fingers laced together, and Severus welcomed the freedom of being able to touch Harry in their own quarters. "Feels like longer."

"Harry..."

"Don't," Harry whispered as he turned, his hands running over the collar of Severus' shirt, wisps of hair tickling Severus' nose. "Just...don't say a thing. Please." Fingers grabbed at his head roughly and hot, frantic breath covered his face as Harry's mouth attacked his gracelessly. As Harry's lips, his tongue, devoured Severus with a desperation he'd never shown, his hands began to tear at Severus' clothing with the same frantic enthusiasm.

Understanding now what Harry needed, Severus wrapped his arms around him, trying to hold him close. In one motion Harry threw him off, refusing to be stilled, his movements unorganized and careless.

Desperation

Need

"Please," Harry whispered frantically, his plea a puff of hot hair along Severus' neck. Their eyes met and Severus saw the fear, the desire, the need Harry felt, and nearly growled his assent.

If this was what Harry needed, he thought, then he would give it to him. He bit Harry's neck, his teeth clamping down on soft flesh—so incredibly glad that the bond didn't interpret the move as violence—then grabbed Harry's robes, shuffling him to the bedroom so quickly he nearly fell over.

He did not carry him.

Stepping inside the room Severus quickly shed his shoes, then his outer robes, and Harry did the same before attacking his face again. This type of kiss could hardly be called anything else; his lips being assaulted, his body advanced upon. They'd never had this type of lovemaking before, but as they fell on top of each other on the bed Severus was surprised to discover he needed this just as badly as Harry.

Pinning Harry down with his body Severus tore at his remaining clothes, freeing Harry's cock which looked as desperate as the rest of him. Harry grabbed Severus' face and forced their lips together again, a mournful, sobbing sound ripping from his throat as he flipped Severus onto his back.

His trousers were pulled down and off and a hot, wet mouth was on his cock for just a moment before Harry was kissing his face again.

"Severus, please. Can I..."

Though Severus hated to deny Harry anything, he knew now wasn't the time for what he was asking. "Not right now. Now is for you."

"But I—"

"Hush. Let me take care of you." And then Severus flipped him over, Harry biting his ear and clawing at his back, all discussion over as the frantic, driving need came back in a rush. Legs were wrapped around his own and Harry positioned himself and sucked at Severus neck, pulling a groan from him as he felt around the nightstand for the lubrication.

The first finger was barely inside when Harry squeezed around him and cried out, "That's enough. Just..."

Ignoring him, Severus added another finger and tried to shake off the hands tugging at his hair, scratching his neck; the legs that were attempting to pull his hips into position.

"Please, Severus!" Harry cried out and in an instant he could feel the bond pulling at him just as it had that day with Draco, telling him that his bondmate needed him.

His hands left Harry's arse and traveled up his hips, pulling them up as he heard Harry give a relieved grunt before he covered his smaller body with his own. Harry's arms came up to surround him, his legs grasping him tighter, as he slowly entered in one sure stroke.

"Fuck, yes," Harry said, his eyes closing and his mouth opening, his face losing just a little of its desperation as Severus kissed him and began to thrust.

Every time they'd made love in the past week it had been slow, their movements deliberate, hands laced together, eyes never leaving the other's. They had waited so long to be together, and Severus found it natural to pour every ounce of his devotion into his movements and Harry had met it with youthful exuberance and an open heart.

Now, as he pounded into Harry's arse and Harry dug his nails into his back, Severus marveled at where a single morning had taken them.

"Harder, fuck! I'm not going to break!"

Severus pushed his face against Harry's shoulder and complied, reducing Harry to a babbling wreck as his cock brushed against his prostate mercilessly.

"Please, please, yes," Harry muttered and Severus felt his satisfaction, his need being met through the bond and shifted his hips to thrust deeper.

Severus felt the pleasure building within him, and grabbed hold of Harry's cock, his hand still slick with lubricant. Giving it several sharp pulls, Harry came with a whimper, his face beautiful as it twisted in gratification. Severus thrust his hips harder and looked his fill at Harry's face, his eyes hooded as they looked up at Severus. Gazing into that beloved face, Severus gave himself over to pleasure and thrust deeply, a groan torn from his throat without his consent.

Still breathing harshly, Severus was pulled down into waiting arms, but neither spoke for a several minutes. Instead the kisses returned, Harry caressing his cheek first, then his nose, before kissing lightly at his lips as he waited for Severus to come back to himself.

A soft sigh blew across his damp cheek, chilling it where it had been so hot, and then Harry whispered, "I love you."

Severus said nothing in reply but he held Harry tighter, burrowing his nose into his soft hair and wrapping his body around him as though he could forever shield him from the world.

A happy sigh told him he'd been heard, eyelashes tickling his cheek bringing a dozen endearments to his lips. He said none of them, but there was hardly any need to do so. He held Harry tightly, possessively for a few more moments before Harry shifted in his arms and said, "He's going to kill me, isn't he?"

"No," Severus said firmly, holding Harry impossibly tighter. "You will not die."

Harry gave a scoff that was far too similar to his own and said, "You can't know that."

"I do. We will train, beginning today."

"Yeah," Harry said, then, "what time is it?"

Severus reached for his wand, cast tempus, and said, "Ten-thirty in the morning."

"God," Harry grunted, then burrowed deeper into the pillows. For the first time Severus noticed they were lying on top of the covers—the stench of unwashed male having gone with the rest of their dirty laundry—and he covered Harry's body with his own to stave off the chill.

"I believe it's time to get up," Severus said, though he made no move to do so.

"Yeah," Harry said, his tone heavy with remorse. "There's work to be done."