The Sins Of A Father

Chapter Thirty: Pay







It was the beginning of November. It had been a whole entire month since Sirius’s death. A half a month since Sirius’s funereal. I still remember the day as clear as if it was just done just today. The main family members and friends; all turning up to pay their respect. The grieving and mourning was etched upon all faces. The echo’s of silent whimpering cries was heard through out the ceremony.



I did not grieve for him, but I grieved for my family; for I was mostly responsible for his death. I was the reason that Black was buried, and the tears that was being shed by my family. I was no better than the men who had taken his life away. I was the one who let it’s jealously run wild at the cost of a man’s life. For I was the one who was responsible for all.



And it was I who had the power to stop everything before it was too late.



The bitter winter had arrived and even a bitter night to accompany along with it. I was sat at my desk late at evening, typing away at my laptop in my quite office. I thought everyone left who had no reason to be there at night. I thought wrong of course for when I was so engrossed by my work I did not even hear the door open and close in the room.



“You know, I’m beginning to think you love work more than me Severus…I’m beginning to get a little jealous with all the attention you paying towards that keypad”



Time to place on my mask. I lifted up my head to notice him in nothing but a trouser, a shirt and two glasses along with a bottle of scotch. How delightful, I knew that at that moment I would not be going back to my home anytime soon. But did I ever when it concerned Lucius? I sat back at my chair, closing my laptop, “you know there’s never the need for you to be jealous Lucius. You always have my attention first…”



“Oh? Is that so? You’ve been awfully quite since that man’s death. It seems you’ve been trying to avoid me…” He placed the glasses onto my desk and began to pour the liquor for the both of us.



I sighed, “You must know that I had to be concerned…”



“And were you? Were you truly concerned over that man’s death?” He came nearer to lean against the desk facing me before passing me the drink then sipping at his own.



I took a long sip of my drink then looking him straight in his cold grey eyes, after a long pause I answered. “In a way, yes. Yes, I was concerned, but not about him. I was concerned about my family-”



“You’re wife?” His tone lowered, and I knew this could either go good or bad. I was betting my money on bad. But then again, I was hoping that his ‘love’ for me outgrew his hatred towards my petal.



“A little, but I was most concerned about my sons Lucius, and my unborn child…” He arched an eyebrow looking doubtful at my response. I sighed deeply knowing I had to turn on a little charm. Who knew I could be so caring, even if it was faked? “Please love, don’t be like that,” I reached out to take his glass and place it onto my desk along with mine. Took hold of hips to bring him forward so he could straddle my lap. Briefly wondering that he was being awfully submissive for a man at his status. For a man like Lucius it did baffled me at times why he was willing to give up any form of power for me. Perhaps he truly did love me enough in his own little way, and for that I pitied him. I stroked his locks of platinum blonde hair with my right hand, murmuring softly, “please don’t be like this Lucius. You know I care for my sons deeply, they was so upset over his death. I mean for god sake’s it was Harry’s Godfather”



He looked at me, his cold grey eyes softening, concern showing and even a mix of worry was rising to the surface. “Are you-? Are you regretting that he died Severus?” Baffled once again that he could even show concern. Though I will still stand by my word; he is a psycho.



“No,” I said so low it made my voice made a little gravelled, “of course not. You’ve done me so proud that I love you even more of getting rid of him.” I kissed his lips tenderly, “its just that I do not want my children get upset by it. They will always be my children Lucius and I will always care for them-”



“And it’s natural that you feel hurt when they are feeling hurt. I know; I will not hold that against you Severus. But they will get over it eventually, don’t you worry about that…” He purred deeply, reaching downwards to nip my neck softly.



“Ah Lucius, behave…”



As if that would ever stop him. So I let him continue what he wanted and what he wanted from me. His lips trailing down my neck, murmuring softly against my slowly revealing flesh by each kiss and each button being undone. “You just sit back and relax Sev’rus and enjoy,” he momentarily stopped so he could pass my drink into my hand before continuing back downwards. Opening up my zipper to let out my flaccid cock, teasing my tip with his tongue that I felt ashamed by getting slightly aroused. “Enjoy your drink and the pleasure Severus, you deserve it with all the things you’ve been going through…”



Yes, Lucius can be very submissive, but I know he has the upper hand in this strange demented relationship between us. He might look submissive by the eye, but if you knew him well as I? He is dominating through and through in his game, using the game of giving up power but in truth he is only gaining even more power.



The power of controlling me.



What better way of getting control than letting someone else thinks that they are in charge. I say being submissive is more dangerous than being equal or ‘dominating‘ in the relationship. They will always have power. They will always try to seduce you to their whims, to their pleasure, to their little game, to be wrapped around their little finger.



Even more the reason to make him pay.



I moaned, just letting myself at least enjoy the blowjob somewhat. It was true, I did have a tiring month and getting a blowjob from someone that I will have my revenge…well, what is much better than that? Seeing your enemy suck you off so delightfully while knowing you will fuck them up and not in the way they wanted you to…Oh yes, such bitter sweet revenge…



I graciously sipped my drink, letting the pleasure wash over my nerves, not stopping my moans even the slightest. The more the better to let the blond man’s ego rise.



“Hmmm,” he hummed around my cock before going back up to breath again, “I wonder what you find more pleasing? Your scotch or this wonderful blowjob that I’m graciously bestowing on you?” To end that little question he gave a hard quick suck on the tip of my cock.



I bit my lip, looking straight back into his lustful eyes, letting a grin break out onto my lips. “Oh, I don’t know Lucius, both is pleasing in their own ways…”



“Oh? Is that so?” He took the head of my cock in his mouth so he could gently scrape the sensitive skin with his teeth ever so slowly then continues to talk once more. “Would you like me to stop then? So you could have the pleasure to drink that scotch without being interrupted?”



I hissed in a breath quickly, letting my free hand to settle on his head to guide him back to my throbbing sex. “Stop being a tease, its not very nice…”



He sucked at the part where my thick vein begins at the junction of my ball sack then went back to talking as if it was about the weather, “I’m not known to be a very nice man…”



“Neither am I. Now please for the love that is all holy and suck me off? Urgh, I need you so bad…” My god, I did sound so disgustingly wanton. And Lucius ate it all up; did he truly think that I actually wanted him? That I would truly beg for this-beg for him- out of my own free will? Oh no, it was far from it.



“How bad?” He breathed out against my pre-cum coated tip, “how bad do you want me Severus?”



A that moment I chucked away my drink uncaringly in the corner and pulled the man up to his feet only to be pushed onto his back on my desk with the force of my lips against his. Him letting out a few mumbled laughter’s at my antics of me quickly disposing of his trouser suite and shoes. Breaking the kiss-coating my cock with spit and semen- I lined up my dick against his hole and pushed forward so the incredible hot heated pucker engulfed me in so willingly. I stilled, looking down at the man before me. His pale complexion so flushed in lust, his eyes full with need, his breath ragged in shallow breaths and his dick resting heavy against his shirt coated stomach with arousal. In my moment of insanity, if the circumstances were different, I would have at least give a go to be with this-grudgingly-beautiful man. Alas, if the circumstances were entirely different that is.



He moaned in frustration, “stop being a tease Sev’rus! And fuck me now!”



And so I did…how ironic.



Once we was done-after finishing the bottle of liquor-we went in our separate ways. Him going to his family and I did the same. I did not chance it to drive so I went home in a cab. As I entered into the house I had noticed-even in my drunken eyes-that Harry was still up in the living room watching the T.V quietly. I walked -or rather slightly stumbled - to the sofa to sit next to him, breathing out heavily.



“How comes you’re up late? Its nearly midnight, you’ve got school tomorrow…”



“Couldn’t sleep” he mumbled, looking at me briefly before paying attention to the screen once again.



For a few silent tensed moments I starred at him. I knew by the body language - if not by his reply - that he was upset about something. Then it hit me, that day was the night that Harry came back from Potter’s home. With no Black accompanying him. I had completely forgotten-since Lucius had arrived in my office-that Harry must still be upset. Granted that it was not long ago since the death, but he had already felt depressed when he came from Potter’s house. And here I was, the fool that I am, forgotten about my son - my lover - in his time of need while I was fucking another man into my desk.



Needless to say I felt I should be shot. I reached forward to place my large hand onto his head and began to softly stroke it, mumbling a few whispering words in regret. “I’m so sorry Harry, I was just so busy with my work that I’ve forgotten about the time, I knew that you was coming home but I just got lost in my work”



“You remember to drink…” Came the piercing reply and I felt even worse for my actions. Though I deserved every bit of his coldness.



“I…” I had to drink because I needed Lucius to feel secure enough to let his guard down with me, “I have no excuse…” I couldn’t tell him why now could I?



“Why do you drink?” My son said so softly, yet it was as loud as being next to church bells.



I was confused at his reply, mostly due to my indulgence of alcohol with Lucius. “I don’t drink that often Harry and you know it…”



His eyes left the screen and focused to the carpeted flooring, curling up his knees under his chin. “That’s what Dad said to me and Mum…”



My heart ached painfully upon seeing my son looking so helpless, so betrayed, so…alone. I sat closer so I could lift his chin to gaze at him tenderly. To show him that how much I loved him, how much love was in my eyes JUST for him. “I’m not like him Harry, I love you to much to…” My slow mind clicked once again. The puzzle becoming even clearer in my blurred mind. I looked pointedly at him, to see anything that will answer my question. “Did he hurt you today Harry? Did Potter hurt you, son?”



His reply was just his eyes moving away from my direction.



And was enough to shake out of my drunkenness and fall into silent anger. I made him look at me, my voice just seconds away from erupted crimson rage. “Where did he hit you Harry?”



“No-no where,” why must my son, my little boy that I love so much, must lie to me when he is in fear when Potter is concerned. I took hold of his arm, but even I pressed with hardly any pressure he hissed out in pain. I looked at the right arm that I hold into my slackened grip, clenching my teeth I gritted out, “Harry please take off your shirt now”



I waited, but he still did not make any move to do what I had said but rather trying to protest. “Papa, I just fell over in the park when I was playing-”



“Do it now Harry, I’m asking nicely.” I had not meant to threaten him, but I was so full of rage that I was already trying everything that I had to stop from boiling over and take it out on my Raven. I had to threaten him so he could listen to me and not lie to me.



He looked so frightened of me, but I had to see what Potter had done to my boy. What Potter dared to do to my boy. Harry cringed and flinched, but he did - ever so slowly then needed - take of his pyjama shirt. I became so impatient that I was about to rip off that blasted shirt but he took it off eventually.



The shirt landed on to the floor forgotten, and my eyes was stinging by the absolute rage that had finally went over the edge that was already dangerously close to begin with!



And I had only said one thing out of the blur of red that filled my vision.



“LILY!” I called out, which I kept calling out for a few more moments until I went back to my anger. “How dare he! How dare that fucking excuse, waste of space of a man dare to do this to you!?” I shouted, standing in front of the trembling boy. I knew I should control myself but I could not! For the love of God I could not calm down because of what that bastard done to my son!



“Severus!? What is wrong with you? Its past midnight and the boys are asleep up-”



“Lily! I do not CARE who I wake up! Look here!” I pointed at my Raven who was curled up in a ball, his head lowered to his knees once again, “look at what that fucking bastard did to him!!” I could feel myself heating up, slightly feel dizzy by my blood pumping hard into my brain. But I did not care; I just wanted to tear the man limb from limb with my bare hands.



“What are you -?” Lily then stop mid-sentence upon seeing the reason I was so furious. Gasping in shock she brought her hands up to cover her mouth, trembling by the shock of the display in front of her.



My beautiful son was now covered in blood soaked belt marks lashing across most of the skin that was viewable to us except for his face that was left unscathed. And what ever was left of his skin that was not covered in belt marks was purpled/blued with bruises. No doubt that the dried blood was still marring his skin due to it would be even more painful than before to let water enter in his fresh scars. My eyes were roaming around his arms, his torso, his chest and even his back when I went around to expect the further damage. Which I noticed that I could see more of the belt lashing going further down his backside, but only being half covered with his sleep trousers.



I tightened my fist, I wanted to hold my boy to comfort him but that would do more harm than good. And lastly at the same time I wanted to inflict as much damage I could do to Potter than any other man. I wanted him to suffer, to scream in pain, to screech his agony, to claw his skin raw by the force of harm that I will do that he would beg for me to kill him quickly. But Harry…



“What happened? H-Harry?” Lily’s voice still was shaking, still staring wide eyed at her son. Our son.



I gritted my teeth and let out a growl, “Is it not obvious?” I pointed at Harry, my voice getting louder by each word. The anger showing it self through words because my hands were just itching to kill that man, “well? Is it not fucking obvious? That piece of shit you call your ex done this to him! Did you not notice it when Harry walked through that door!?”



“No I did not Severus! Harry just acted as normal as-”



“Normal? Do you call this normal!?”



“Calm down Severus! Arguing is not getting us nowhere!” Lily looked at me pleadingly, “Look at your son! He does not need us to argue right now!”



I looked at Harry who was now shaking with the force of his tears, trembling with no doubt with fear. My boy, my son, my little Raven…Seeing him made me calmer, but the rage was still not quenched. No, it was far from it, it still needed the taste of the blood of the man whom has caused it in the beginning. I lowered my hand to my sides, sitting next to Harry who was now in between his parents. The real parents who loved them, because I know for a fact that I can never harm anyone that I love. I cannot be monstrous enough to do so. But seeing the scars up closely I could not trust my voice, I could not trust myself at the moment. I just wanted to hold him but I could not even do that! I could not even touch my Raven because I loved him too much to cause him any more pain…



Lily spoke softly, shifted closer towards Harry placing her hand gently onto his hair. I eyed her in envy for that simple touch, “Harry? Harry love please…Talk to us…”



He let out a few whimpers, “What’s there to talk about? I don’t think there is…nothings wrong…nothing is ever wrong…” He began to rock back and forth gently, mumbling words that just made my heart ach for him to stop. And yet my heart ached to go and make that man pay for what he had done to my boy. “Can’t be wrong…shouldn’t be wrong…not allowed to be wrong…worthless…stupid…kid…should…just…die…all my fault…” His cries became more hurtful to hear, the words making it all the more heartbreaking…“…always…my…fault…should…just…die”



The rocking has stopped, but the cries were still being wailed. Was still piercing through my heart with ice-cold daggers. I closed my eyes, my fists clenching tightly at my sides, then I stood abruptly up, “I’m going to kill that man,” I made a quick pace towards the doors, the shouts from Lily was being muffled by my blood pounding throughout my body. But I did hear the soft whisper of my youngest child, his words making me halt in my tracks.



“Where you going daddy?” His voice, so small, so fragile, so scared…just like Harry…



“No where son, go back to bed…” I kept facing the door. I did not want to allow my son see the anger across my features.



“Why was everyone shouting?”



I bit my lip, “Go back to bed son. It was only a little disagreement”



“Are you angry?”



I clenched my fist once again, “For the last time Jimmy; go back to bed. Now”



A pause, then a mere flicker of a whisper could be heard…”I’m scared daddy…”



My fist was now unclenched. The mere innocent words had made me momentarily forgotten my anger. My love for my son had made me step back away from the door and turned to face him. He looked like a small and frightened child, which he was. He had just witnessed a fight between two parents and I was blamed for that. I had caused him to feel scared, I was just like Potter at that moment; installing fear into his son.



No, I will never become like Potter. Unlike him, I love my sons. I went to step forward to the boy and reached out to pick him up. Hugging him reassuringly, hugging him like a father should be doing. “It’s alright love, everything is going to be alright my little imp, “ I placed a soft kiss onto his forehead while whispering soothingly. “There’s nothing to be scared of Jimmy, nothing at all”



“Are you going?” He timidly mumbled against my neck, his little hands clenching my shirt. “Are you gonna leave again?”



I tightened my hold, “No son. I’m not going to leave. I’m never going to leave. Remember that. I’m never going to leave”



“Severus?” Lily voice broke out into the hallway, “Severus please…”



I moved my son around a little so he could face me, his big emerald eyes shining towards me. A flicker of sadness in his eyes. I softened my features to smile at him warmly as much as I could, “You going to be a good boy and go back to sleep? You’ve got school in the morning”



He sniffed adorably, “ You going to stay daddy?”



I smiled, “Always. Now off you go. Be a good boy for daddy”. I placed him on the ground, he gave a one final glance at me before running off to his room.



“Severus please, Harry needs you…”



I know he does. I know he needed me the most but…Could you blame me for wanting to kill a man who had done this to my son? He is my son; I am the one who took care of him when his real father abandoned him since he was born! I would of done what any father- a father who loved his child-would do in this circumstance! I would of done what…any lover would of done…



I sighed deeply, “I know…I know Lily…”



I went past her to look at my son, who was still curled up onto the sofa. My chest clenched in grief once again for my Raven, but he needed me right now and Potter…would just have to wait. I sat next to Harry, noticing Lily doing the same. She looked so worried, so scared, and so angered but she never was the one that was quick tempered. I looked at Harry once again, he shudders of grief was calming down but I still could hear the soft whimpers of his silent cries. I placed my hand tenderly on his hair, trying to give some form of comfort that would not harm him.



But he flinched at my touch, then sprang up and ran across the room. His eyes widened in absolute fear, his breathing became laboured, “You…you’re going to hurt me…you-”



“Harry!” Lily said harshly, but her voice was calling out softly yet you still could hear the desperation lacing in her words. “Harry, no one is going to hurt you ever again…And most importantly no one is ever going to hurt you in this house! We love you too much!”



The fear was now being covered, but ever so slightly, by realization. His breathing was slowing down but then he lowered his eyes in sadness, seeing the betrayal lurking beyond the green mist of his eyes. “That’s what he said…but he still…h-hit me…”



“Harry…Please…Tell us why? We need to know son…we need o stop him from ever doing this to you again…” I glanced at Lily, tears streaking down her cheeks once again.



My anger was still there, but so was my grief. More than ever so since finally controlling my temper to see how affected my Harry was then just seeing the psychical. My Harry…my son, my little boy, my… “Raven, please…we need to know…please, we love you…” All I wanted to do-besides making Potter pay - is that to reach out and protect him from all the harm there is. But I had already promised that did I not? Now here is the evidence, the evidence of how I cannot even love him as a father let alone a lover.



His beautiful face now scrunched up in agony, in betrayal, in pain, in grief, in…hurt, that he kneeled down, closing his hands on his lap and cried out all that he was worth. Crying out all his heart was feeling, all that pain, and all that anguish, all that he was feeling…



Now Lily kneeled down next to him, crying out in grief for her son and all I could do was the same. I kneeled down next to him, bringing his head under my chin and trying to kiss his pain away. Trying to give him some form of comfort, some form of support, some form of….security. “Please Harry, why did he do this?” I mumbled into his hair.



He shook even more but he did speak, even if it was in a whisper, “because he can…” Another pause to let a shudder pass, “because he’s allowed too. Because I deserve it, because…It’s all my fault…”



Lily cut in. “Oh Harry, nothing is you’re fault, you don’t deserve this…No one has the right to do this to you! No one-”



“But he does! I do deserve it! It’s all my fault! It’s all my fault that Sirius died! I should be the one dead, not him!!”



“Don’t you ever believe that Harry! Its not your fault that Sirius died! He was murdered, how is that your fault!?”



“Because it is! Everything is my fault…If I wasn’t born, then you still will be with dad, and Sirius will still be alive!” He lowered his had, “I’m just a mistake…I just make everything worse…”



I cupped his cheek and firmly made him look at me, making him see into my eyes on how I felt about what he was saying. Making him see all the love I posses for him and just for him! “Do not ever think like that Harry!” I whispered harshly, trying to get him to see beyond the lies that Potter had beaten him into. “Do not ever say such lies son, because what Potter had ever said to you is nothing but lies! We love you, and what we say is the truth! You are not a mistake, you are never a mistake! Potter never loved your mother, he just used her and you Harry…He was just using you so he could hurt you and us! He just wanted to make you feel pain because he does not love you…not like we do,” I gripped his cheek ever so slightly, but enough to get the message through, “not like I do…Please son, don’t you ever think like this because its all lies!”



Harry kept staring wide eyed, kept looking, kept searching and I did not even let my focus waver because I wanted him to know I was telling him the truth. I wanted him to see how a person-even as a father-should be feeling for their son! He is my son and Potter is nothing! Potter does not… “Deserve you…” I clenched my teeth in frustration; I wanted to kiss him, to feel those soft lips against mine…But Lily…



“What?” Harry looked a little taken back.



I shook my head lightly; “Potter does not deserve you as a son. Potter doesn’t deserve anything good. If he loved you Raven, then he would of never do anything that will hurt you in anyway…” I stroked his cheek tenderly with my thumb, brushing away the warm tears. “You deserve so much more Harry, you deserve love Harry…”



“…And we love you Harry” Lily finished it off. She came closer, her hand at the back of Harry’s neck. The green eyed boy broke our stare and went to look at his Mother. She placed a kiss onto his crown, softly whispering, “Know that we love you Harry and always…and we’ll protect you. Potter will never see you again, and he will never harm you ever again!”



He then looked down, after a pause he nodded slowly. As if trying to convince himself, my heart clenched once again…My little boy was hurting…



My Raven…



My son…



My little boy…



I will make sure Potter will pay.