Pains and Contradictions

A/N: It brings me so much joy to show you this chapter. I first thought of this story in July of 2008 and pretty much hit the ground running. Through twenty-seven chapters and four interludes, I knew where I needed to get them—together. I first starting making notes on this chapter in February and every time the story got too angsty—hell, every time real life got too real—I\'d make notes about things I\'d wanted to write.



The notes grew into a chapter I\'m very proud of and hope you\'ll enjoy.



Thanks to WhiteCotton for help straightening the pronouns and commas, wrangling the smut and removing all the American-isms. The help she\'s given me over the past year is nothing short of amazing, and to thank her the song that\'s mentioned in this chapter is her favorite.



Thank you all so much for sticking with this story. I\'m going to be taking a short break as I finish my Snarry Holidays fic and dive deep into my Severus Big Bang story. If anyone wants to reach me, you can always find me at SeverusSighs.



*



"The book of love is long and boring. No one can lift the damn thing. It\'s full of charts and facts and figures and instructions for dancing." -- Stephin Merritt









Severus could count his good days on one hand. The day he\'d left home for Hogwarts had been good, even if school had become a battleground soon thereafter. There was the day he\'d left Hogwarts, but what happened soon after somewhat negated that. Then there was the day he received his potions mastery and the day he knew he had earned Dumbledore\'s respect.



But never before did he have days like these. No, there was nothing to compare them to; not in his wildest dreams had he thought he could be so happy, that real life could be so like heaven.



*





Severus awoke first. Harry was still lying on top of him, his breathing even and regular, so he just lay there thinking about what would come next. Harry would need to rest and recover, and time with Severus would be the only thing that would procure that.



He smiled to himself and thought of spending time with Harry. Alone with Harry, just the two of them.



Oh, God, it would be just the two of them...



The last traces of sleep left him as he realized what was coming. As much as he had enjoyed talking with Harry in the past, things were different now, and he didn\'t dare to hope they would slide into this relationship gracefully. It would be awkward and he\'d probably end up ruining something by the end of breakfast.



Taking a deep breath, he forced himself to relax and began to run a hand through Harry\'s hair.



*





Harry woke to the feeling of a hand stroking his hair. As he tried to decide whether to cast off his sleepiness or burrow further into the warmth that surrounded him, he picked up a tentative... Well, he wouldn\'t exactly call it fear, more like an apprehension, and he knew something was bothering Severus. He just didn\'t understand what it was.



He stopped himself from opening his eyes and tried to think of how to go about addressing the problem, or if he should even try. Was it the coward\'s way out to hope whatever it was went away in the time it took for him open his eyes?



A gentle kiss was placed on his forehead and he couldn\'t stop his smile. Burrowing into Severus embrace, he decided to let whatever would come, come.



But first he was going to enjoy the hand running through his hair just a bit more.



"Good morning," he said with a yawn, turning his face to kiss Severus\' hand as it passed by one last time.



A few long seconds passed before Severus replied, "Good morning."



Oh, Harry thought as he took in Severus\' state of undress and his own infirmary pajamas. He admitted to himself that he hadn\'t thought of this...the awkwardness that might come after not speaking to each other for two months only to be thrown into a very close environment.



He wondered if Severus had realized this would happen.



He struggled with what to say, now that what needed to be said had been said. He\'d already said \'good morning\' but nothing else was coming. Oh God, the silence was stretching and threatening to strangle Harry with its awkwardness! He turned so he could look Severus in the eyes, try to find some strength there, but Severus turned his head and the oddness only grew.



Suddenly, Severus shifted and swung his legs to get out of bed. "I should inform Dumbledore of your whereabouts and get you some breakfast." He paused and cast Tempus. "Or lunch, as it were."



Harry nodded from his pillows and refrained from telling Severus to get back into bed. He desperately needed a moment to think and a Floo call would be just enough time.



"How are you feeling?" he asked Harry, turning to address him.



Harry met his eyes and knew Severus was feeling the exact same way. He\'d had his share of awkward situations before, but he\'d never been able to voice his fears. Something told him he should do so now, but he stopped himself.



What they had at the moment was so new, so tentative. He didn\'t want to risk breaking it.



Finally, he settled for answering Severus\' question. "Better than last night, that\'s for sure. And you?"



Severus scoffed and put on his shirt and trousers and began doing up the buttons. "I\'m not the one who was attacked, Harry." He closed his eyes for a moment and his fingers stilled, and Harry could almost see Severus mentally chastise himself.



"I\'m fine and fairly well-rested."



Harry nodded, but Severus didn\'t see it. "How long did we sleep?"



"Long enough," was his only answer before he added, "I\'m not accustomed to sharing a bed with anyone. And with your injured state..."



Curious now, Harry gave a pointed look to the back of his head, then Severus continued, "As odd as it might seem, I was worried I would crush you."



His eyes went wide and then Harry had to stifle a laugh and continued stifling it until it came bursting out of him, much to Severus\' chagrin.



"Hmph," he grunted and stood up.



Grateful for the reprieve, Harry watched as the last of Severus\' pale skin was covered. It was his choice in footwear, however, that had him curious.



He\'d put on his boots and not his slippers.



A sudden fear sprang to life within him and he couldn\'t help ask, "You\'re coming back, aren\'t you?"



He felt foolish the instant he\'d uttered it. Of course Severus was coming back. This was his bed, his rooms after all. But the awkwardness between them was enough to drown a man and Severus might not want to deal with him just now.



A long-fingered hand came up to grip his face and Harry hadn\'t even realized he\'d turned away.



Dark eyes met green and Harry realized his fears were just as stupid as he\'d thought.



"I\'m only going to the sitting room to use the Floo. I\'ll be right back." A gentle kiss was placed on his lips and he couldn\'t help but smile into it.



Shifting back onto his pillows, Harry watched as the door closed, then began to think on what he needed to say and what Severus needed to hear.



*



Five minutes later, Severus stood at the door to his bedroom feeling like an absolute fool.



His conversation with Dumbledore had been short enough. He\'d endured the knowing smile, the thinly veiled \'I knew you\'d see the light at the end, my boy\' and the assurance that he\'d inform Lupin and Harry\'s other friends that he was safe and recovering.



But now he stood like an idiot at the door to his own bedroom, petrified at the thought of entering.



At his age he should have been better prepared for this. Of course things were going to be odd this morning with Harry. They hadn\'t really spoken in two months—Merlin, was it November already?—and even when they had, it hadn\'t been like this.



No, they\'d been...friends of a sort. And they\'d gone from friends to estranged to bonded in a matter of days with no room to speak in between. Now, here they were, months later and somehow Severus had expected them to just fall into bed together?



He really was an idiot.



Lifting a hand to massage his temples, he admitted to himself it was probably because he\'d never done this before. He\'d never been in love and never had anything resembling a relationship with any man. It was no wonder he had no idea what to do.



That would\'ve been fine, but he wasn\'t the only person who would be affected by his ignorance—Harry would be as well.



There was nothing for it. He\'d just have to sit Harry down and talk with him about it. Perhaps if they addressed it, it would simply leave or...they could do...something...



Damn!



Well, he thought to himself, nothing was going to be accomplished while standing outside his door. He steeled himself for the most awkward conversation of his life and walked into the room.



Harry was looking up at the ceiling, then shifted to watch him as he closed the door, extending a hand across the sheets as he neared the bed.



This part, at least, he could do. No matter how odd it might be at the moment, he had no desire to resist holding Harry in his arms. Not after all that time apart.



Removing his shoes, then his trousers and shirt, he quickly climbed back into bed and embraced him, feeling that this was something they did well; this was something they could build upon.



"Severus," Harry started, breaking the long silence.



"Yes?" he said, adjusting himself so that Harry\'s head was on his shoulder.



"Is it just me or are things...weird right now?"



He quickly turned an odd gasp into a cough, then a laugh.



"What?" Harry asked incredulously.



"Oh, nothing, just..." he trailed off and turned his body so he could kiss Harry on his mouth. "Trust a Gryffindor to go charging where angels fear to tread."



"Ha. Well, I just... Today seems important, is all. I just want to get this right, from the beginning. Or you know—"



"Yes," he said, interrupting. "I know. And yes, it is a bit odd this morning. But I suppose it would be after everything." Taking a deep breath, Severus steeled himself to take responsibility for his actions. "Had I not behaved like an arse we would have had this talk the morning after our bonding, not two months later with...so much more between us."



Severus could almost feel Harry grimace against his chest as he said, "Yeah, let\'s not talk about how much of an arse you were."



Something in the way he said that told Severus this wouldn\'t be the last time it would be addressed. He knew better than to expect Harry to forgive him so quickly, but he hated to think this would come between them...and at such an important moment.



"Because you were."



A scoff and Severus\' fears were somewhat quelled. If Harry could make a joke about it—even at Severus\' expense—then things couldn\'t be so dark. "Thank you."



"You really were."



Glaring a bit, Severus responded, "Yes, I know."



But Harry just grinned and held out two fingers about a foot apart. "A huge one."



Sighing, Severus said, exasperated, "Could we get back to the subject at hand please?"



"Yeah. I think I know what we should do...about us."



"Oh?"



Harry looked at him thoughtfully and all traces of a smile left his face. Slowly, he asked, "If anyone were to ask you, \'do you know Harry Potter?\' what would you say?"



Stunned, Severus was taken aback by the question but forced himself to think about it. Yes, he knew Harry. He knew Harry in a way that no one else had ever known him, in a way no one else ever would. He knew everything Harry was and he loved every inch of him. The details however...



"Exactly," Harry said to whatever nonverbal answer he\'d picked up on. "If anyone were to ask me the same, I\'d say yes. I know you. But...at the same time..."



"There are so many things we don\'t know about each other," he continued for him.



"Yeah. Things we couldn\'t have known during the summer, things that wouldn\'t have been—"



"Appropriate," Severus said, interrupting. He\'d had the same thoughts during the summer as well.



"Yeah, that. And now...well, I want to know those things about you. Like...what\'s your favorite color? Cause it can\'t be black. Or what do you do for Christmas, seeing that it\'s coming up soon? And do you have any family left and where did you take your potions mastery?"



His lips betrayed him and he couldn\'t help the half-smile he gave at hearing Harry\'s honest inquiries. Never before had anyone wanted to know such irrelevant details of his life...and never had he wanted to know the same in return.



Smiling, Harry tugged at the end of Severus\' hair and said, "Can we do that now? Please? Can we just...ignore everyone and everything for once and just talk to each other? I know when I was here in the summer there were so many things I didn\'t understand and I do now. Can we just...stay in bed and take off our clothes and not get out until someone beats down the door?"



The half-smile turned into a full grin as he dipped his head lower and sealed his lips over Harry\'s, the kiss lasting longer this time, the soft sigh coming from Harry causing his cock to stir.



A groan from underneath and Severus climbed fully on top of him, his erection rubbing against Harry\'s thigh before he realized his own body was responding while Harry\'s couldn\'t. Not while he was still recovering.



Slowly, he removed himself and took Harry back into his arms, forcing his body to calm.



"Why\'d you do that?" Harry said, breathless. "You didn\'t have to do that."



"You aren\'t well. There will be time enough for it later."



A kiss was placed on his neck and then a bite. He groaned and forced himself not to grab Harry\'s head and keep it there.



"I feel better now."



"Oh?" he said, allowing his hand to travel down to loosely grab hold of Harry\'s flaccid cock, his body\'s reminder that it wasn\'t up for anything strenuous yet.



"Ugh," Harry grunted and put an arm over his face. "Stupid erections leaving me when I need them most."



Severus laughed and pulled him closer. "You\'re recovering. It\'s to be expected. Now, let me call a house-elf for some food and I\'ll return."



"Oh, not the shirt again!" he called out as Severus dressed quickly, only to call the house-elf into his bedroom. When the thing had left, Harry grunted, "You know, it\'s okay if the house-elves see you naked."



Severus gave him a scandalized look.



"What? You\'d be under the sheets! Plus, it\'s not like they\'d tell anyone."



"Dear Merlin, please stop talking."



"Why? Plus, who else could I show you off to?"



For want of a better method, Severus kissed Harry to shut him up, and continued shutting him up until lunch arrived.



*



"This is my favorite button," Harry said, fingering the second button of Severus\' white shirt with a certain amount of awe.



Severus could hardly believe Harry could hold it in such high regard and tried to maneuver the plate of just-delivered sandwiches before Harry could upend it in his enthusiasm to get his shirt off.



"It\'s a button, Harry; you can\'t possibly have a favorite."



"Oh yes, I can," Harry said in voice so breathless Severus began to grow worried for his health. Slowly, Harry lowered his head to Severus\' neck and began to lick the pale flesh that was revealed. Severus moaned and felt himself harden and cupped Harry\'s head with his hand.



"See, the first button doesn\'t really show much. It\'s up way too high," he said as his tongue began to trace his clavicle. "This second button, though, is inspired. It\'s really in the most perfect place." He kissed his neck again and Severus held him up to support his body as he began to feel Harry tiring himself out.



"I\'m glad it pleases you so," he said, his voice hoarse now with desire. Really, it was nearly sad how quickly Harry could excite him. "Now\'s not the time for this though."



"Oh yes, it is," he said, undoing another button. "Oh."



His cock throbbing in his trousers, Severus held him tighter as he asked, "What?"



"I take it back. This is my favorite button."



*





The excitement surrounding the removal of Severus\' shirt gone, they sat up in bed and began to eat their lunch, Severus frowning a bit at seeing Harry remove half the contents of his sandwich before eating it.



"Your eating habits are atrocious."



Wiping his fingers on a napkin, Harry frowned back and said, "I don\'t like tomatoes. Or onions."



"They\'re good for you. No wonder you\'re so short, you\'re most likely suffering from malnutrition."



A sharp stab of pain filtered through the bond before it faded quickly. Harry took a bite of his sandwich and said nothing.



"I apologize. That was uncalled for."



"I\'m not that short."



"No, you\'re not, actually." And he wasn\'t, Severus thought. It was only because he was so tall that Harry seemed smaller. Or perhaps it was because his father had been very tall.



He groaned and tossed his sandwich back onto his plate. He\'d had no plans to think of any Potter other than Harry today.



Casting off his own burdens, he turned to look at Harry, propped up on his pillows and looking at his sandwich like it had somehow betrayed him.



"You\'ve never talked about them. Your family."



Harry shrugged and said, "Why would I want to? It\'s not important."



Severus doubted that. "What they did to you still affects you today. You should feel free to talk about it if you\'d like."



"Well, I wouldn\'t like," Harry said in a tone that said the matter was closed when Severus knew it wasn\'t.



He sighed to himself and thought he truly had no idea what he was doing or how to go about actually talking to anyone. This is probably something he should have learned in his youth, but never did. His own shortcomings were now hurting Harry and that was something Severus just couldn\'t stand for.



Suddenly, it occurred to him that perhaps there was another way of getting through.



"My father..." he started, then cleared his throat. "Was not a very nice man." He watched as Harry turned his head, his eyes focused on him and Severus knew he had his complete attention. "He wasn\'t a bad man, but...he wasn\'t a very good man either. I do know he loved me, but I don\'t think he liked me very much. I think he knew I was gay before I did."



A hand brushed his and Severus had to stop himself from pulling away as he would have in the past.



"It was...odd growing up around children who were cherished at home when I was not. Even stranger when I went to Hogwarts and left Yorkshire. A great deal of Slytherins are pure-bloods and...well, you know how they treat their children."



"Yeah," Harry said sadly.



"The point is, these things stay with us whether we realize it or not. We don\'t have to discuss it now, but we can and we should...whenever you\'d like."



Harry looked thoughtfully at him for a moment, then took another bite of his sandwich. Then, without any warning, he asked, "Was my father tall?"



Severus huffed out a breath of air at the non sequitur, then thought back to his previous ruminations.



"Yes, he was."



"Was my mother tall, then? Because I have a few pictures of them and they\'re pretty close in height."



"She was, yes."



"Oh," Harry said, then took another bite, chewing thoughtfully before swallowing. "I suppose that makes me a bit angry. To know... I don\'t know, that they took that from me. Does that make sense?"



Severus nodded and said, "Yes. It makes perfect sense."



Suddenly, Harry dropped his sandwich and turned to look at Severus.



"I\'m sorry."



An eyebrow lifted itself almost of its own volition. "Whatever for?"



"We\'ve never really talked about him...them. I don\'t imagine this is what we should be talking about in bed."



With a scoff, Severus leaned himself over Harry and kissed him softly, gently. "Stupid boy," he said, his voice steeped in affection. "You may ask me anything."



Harry smirked and said, "Well, I know that...I mean, I guessed that. But...you hated him. And I know better than to bring her up and... Well, I didn\'t mean to bring them up now, is what I mean."



Severus really wished this conversation could have waited for a time when their feet were planted firmly on the ground, when things weren\'t still so new and tentative with them, but realized this was something that needed to be addressed now before things went any further.



"Your father was a terrible boy. He was cruel and a bully and I hated him." Severus felt Harry stiffen beside him, but as he said nothing, he continued, "He was a terrible boy... However, as a man he died fighting to protect you and your mother. No matter how much I might still dislike him, I cannot discount that."



A sigh and then lips were pressed to his and an arm came around to wrap around his shoulder.



"Thank you," Harry said softly.



"For what?"



Harry looked up and smiled so beautifully Severus\' breath was taken away.



"For meeting me halfway."



"Mmm," Severus hummed as Harry kissed him again, the softest sort of happiness he\'d ever felt washing over him. He had no idea what to do with it, and Harry didn\'t make it any easier by smiling at him like that.



He cleared his throat and looked away and Harry allowed it, seeming to understand his floundering.



"Of course," Severus said, for want of anything else, "it\'s not such a terrible thing that you\'re shorter than me."



Harry smiled at his lighter tone. "Oh?"



"Yes. You\'re bound to fly better, being somewhat smaller."



Harry laughed, then rescued Severus before he could make a fool out of himself.



"Come here," he said, then tried to position Severus so their feet were lined up. "Here\'s why I don\'t mind being shorter than you."



Never before had he felt so clumsy, allowing Harry to move him as he saw fit. "What exactly am I supposed to notice?"



He looked at Harry, their bodies unevenly matched and his head so much higher that his chin fit...



Oh.



"We fit," Harry said, nuzzling Severus\' neck from the little nook he\'d already made his home. Severus wrapped his arms around Harry and rested his chin on his head, silently thanking whatever god was listening for optimists.



*





"What is your favorite color?" Harry asked some time later, only to feel Severus pull away a bit in the next moment.



"As much as you might not believe it, it is black...and green."



Harry bit his lip and stifled a laugh at the guilt Severus had no hope of hiding from him, both of them lying on their backs, shoulder to shoulder, talking about nothing.



Severus shifted and softly said, "Shut up."



Harry couldn\'t help his amusement and a loud guffaw broke out of his throat. "I\'m sorry...it\'s just..."



"Don\'t say it, Potter!"



"You\'re a terrible liar."



Severus turned his head so Harry could see him glare out of the corner of his eyes. He amended, "Okay, not a terrible liar in general. But to me...you\'re hopeless, you know?"



"Hmph," Severus grunted and laid his head back down.



"Hey, don\'t feel bad," he said, his tone light as he enjoyed poking at Severus for what felt like the first time. "Some people are just so naturally open and honest—ow!"



"Brat," Severus snapped after elbowing Harry in the arm. He rubbed it, then cuffed Severus back, giving as good as he got. The laughter dying down, they were silent for a moment before Harry thought of something.



"Why didn\'t the bond react when you hit me...or when I hit you?"



He felt Severus shrug against him. "Perhaps it reads intent? Really, I have no idea, though I am glad it won\'t read some things as violence," he said, before leaning over and biting Harry\'s ear.



Harry shivered and again lamented that his body was rebelling against him, settling for leaning over Severus, laying his head on his shoulder, fingers dancing across his chest.



"So what is your favorite color?"



Severus sighed and raised a hand to run through Harry\'s hair. He leaned into the touch and wondered why Severus enjoyed petting him so much.



"Come on," he insisted, poking a finger into Severus\' stomach.



"Purple."



Harry lifted his head and looked at him, amazed.



"Purple?"



"Dark purple," Severus said through his teeth, and Harry decided he\'d poked enough.



"Dark purple can be nice." Harry picked his head up and looked around the room, still shrouded in shadow by the fire. "I don\'t see any though."



Another sigh and Severus admitted, "I have a blanket, but I keep it in the closet."



Harry frowned and said, "You should take it out." His fingers went back to slowly tracing Severus\' slender chest before he added, "Mine\'s blue."



"Your blanket?"



"Color."



"Oh. Yes, blue\'s nice too."



They were silent for a moment, then Harry pitched his voice high and started crooning, "Purple rain, purp—" before a pillow was dumped on his face.



*





They\'d taken a nap sometime right after dinner. Harry needed the sleep and Severus was glad to give it to him. He was surprised to discover that he\'d needed it as well. He tried to remember the last time he\'d slept so peacefully—even with the unfamiliar sensation of another body next to him—and couldn\'t.



They\'d woken around the same time, Severus not even bothering to cast Tempus. They were on their own time, for now.



Though he\'d slept well—if a bit oddly since he was still a bit frightened he might hurt Harry—he was woken by an odd feeling.



It seemed Harry had woken before him. He was lying on his side, his hair mussed from sleep, glasses on the side table, dark purple blanket barely covering his chest. Severus pulled it up to cover him from the chill of the dungeons when he realized what had woken him.



Harry was staring at him; a look of awe that Severus had never witnessed before—on Harry\'s face or anyone else\'s.



The awkwardness that had been thick between them in the morning had dissipated sometime during the day, and Severus had no problem meeting his eyes, no problem being looked at.



But the feeling coming from Harry...



It was like pure euphoria and something Severus had never known. He hardly had any idea how to interpret it or what to do in the face of it. Harry\'s eyes were shining and looking at him as though he was the most precious thing in the world.



"Severus," he whispered, though there was no one else in the room. "Severus..."



Sensing that Harry needed time to gather his thoughts and sort through his emotions, he stayed quiet and allowed him to grab his arm so tightly it would likely leave a mark.



"It\'s like..." Harry started, but then drifted off, as if he were searching for the right words. He clenched his jaw and grasped Severus\' arm tighter and continued, "It\'s like the last two months were just a dream and...now that I\'m awake they\'re fading away. I remember what happened, but...it\'s like when you wake up from a nightmare and barely remember what scared you so badly."



Severus kept his eyes focused on Harry, having no desire to look away.



"Like some dream..." Harry said, then seemed to relax, while Severus nodded and allowed himself to be manhandled, Harry grabbing him and bringing Severus\' head to his chest for a change. Severus adjusted his body and returned the embrace, savoring the feel of a strong chest under his head. No wonder Harry liked it so much.



"Oh, God," Harry whispered softly against Severus\' ear. "I\'m so happy, so relieved. I\'m just so...fucking happy. After everything..." Severus felt a dampness fall on his cheek, but said nothing, just held Harry as emotions continued to overwhelm him.



"I didn\'t think I could ever be this happy. It\'s like...my heart has never been this open."



Severus closed his eyes and felt his heart soar.



*





The rest of the early morning was spent holding each other. The last time Severus had been held in a way that even compared to this had been by his mother when he was a child. Though he had been tempted many times to pull away, he hadn\'t.



As though Harry had sensed his awkwardness, his preoccupation with appearing so vulnerable, he would hold him closer in the moments he\'d been tempted to return to his side of the bed. Severus would close his eyes and run his fingers over Harry\'s side and allow himself to simply relax and feel cared for and loved in a way he\'d never been before.



Then in the next moment, he felt ridiculous; a grown man being held by someone half his age, someone who was injured, someone whom he had wronged and who was in far more need of holding.



And then Harry would run his hands through his hair and kiss whatever part of Severus\' face was nearest until he relaxed again.



Sometime—Severus had no idea when—Harry had run his tongue over Severus\' ear to keep him from fidgeting and said, "It\'s okay, you know? I like taking care of you, too."



The only sound that was heard for hours was Severus\' long shudder and Harry\'s happy sigh.



*





It was morning—or at least Harry thought it was morning—when a thought suddenly occurred to him. They were laying side-by-side again, their shoulders touching, just relaxing in the comfortable silence, when Severus shifted and turned to him.



"What?"



Frowning, Harry considered how to ask this question.



"What exactly do two men do together?"



A sputtering and then Severus sat up and looked at Harry incredulously.



With a roll of his eyes, Harry responded to Severus\' silent mocking with, "Not like that. I mean, what do they do together?"



"Oh," Severus said, in a dry tone. "I understand you perfectly now."



"Shut up. I mean, whenever I imagine a couple, I think of a man being dragged out by some woman to do basically whatever she wants to do. When you think about it, a lot of things couples do are for the woman." Harry lifted a hand and began to use his fingers to tick off his list. "Buying...things, going out to dinner or...shows or something."



"Flowers and chocolates," Severus said, laying his head back down on his pillow.



"Dancing," Harry said, his tension seeping into his tone.



"Dancing?"



"Yeah, at least that\'s the impression that I get."



Turning his head on the pillow, Severus pulled Harry into his arms and started running his hand through his hair.



"Do you have any desire to go dancing?"



Nervous now, Harry said slowly, "No...do you?"



Severus lifted himself up so that he could look at Harry\'s face. "No. I\'ve never danced in my life and I have no desire to start now."



Harry breathed a sigh of relief. "Oh, thank God!"



"Were you actually worried?"



"I hate dancing! I only had to do it that one time, but that was enough."



Severus chuckled and went back to lying down beside him.



"I don\'t imagine there will be an abundance of flowers and chocolates between us," he said, his tone trying and failing to remain lighthearted. Harry heard the tentative fear there anyway.



"Good," he said, making sure he matched Severus\' tone. "I wouldn\'t know what to do with them anyway."



*





They\'d taken a nap in the late afternoon again, only this time Severus wasn\'t woken by a sense of euphoria; he was awoken by a hand holding his arm in a tight grip and hot breath seething into his ear.



Harry was angry, and as soon as Severus had shaken the sleep off himself, he knew why.



It was time to answer for what he had done.



"I\'m so angry with you," Harry said in a violent hiss.



"I know," Severus said, with no desire to defend himself.



"I\'m still so angry with you."



"I know, Harry. It\'s alright."



"Don\'t tell me it\'s alright!"



Severus stayed silent, knowing it wasn\'t for him to dictate Harry\'s emotions. His approval was meaningless in the face of what he\'d done.



His face twisted in anger, Harry hissed out, "Promise me you won\'t ever do that again."



Slowly, Severus slid his arms around Harry\'s waist, then pulled him closer.



"Severus...I want you to swear you\'ll never push me away for my own good ever again."



Severus had thought this would be a difficult promise to make, if not an impossible one. The war loomed on the horizon, the end approaching. He knew what was coming, what could happen and what he would need to do if Harry required it.



If destiny deigned he make the ultimate sacrifice so be it, but in that moment, Severus realized he could no longer live without Harry. Not after finally knowing what it was like to be with him, to be loved by him.



This was one thing he could swear, with no regrets.



"I won\'t. I swear it."



Harry sighed but his grip did not relinquish. If anything, it tightened. Harsh pants were sounding in Severus\' ear and he could feel hot tears fall onto his shoulder.



"I don\'t want romance and I don\'t want hearts and flowers. I promise, I don\'t. I just—can you say it? Just one time, can you say it? Please. And I\'ll never ask again."



Severus didn\'t need to ask what Harry wanted to hear and he was hardly surprised to be reminded he\'d never said it until now.



He hadn\'t uttered these words to a living being in over thirty years, yet he felt as though they\'d been on the tip of his tongue for months.



He kissed Harry\'s cheek and then placed his lips right above his ear and said in a voice barely above a whisper, "I love you."



Harry exhaled, and Severus felt the heavy burden of loneliness dissipate, as though Harry had been with him always.



*





It felt odd, sleeping next to another person when he\'d slept alone all his life. He enjoyed the weight that was half-way on top of him, the feel of flesh on flesh, but that didn\'t change the fact that it was a new sensation.



He looked up, but the fire had died down and it was too dark to see anything. He settled for hearing the beloved sound of breathing next to him and curled around the other figure closer.



Suddenly, a deep inhale and he knew he\'d woken him.



A kiss on his cheek and a sleepily muttered, "I\'ll be right back." Sounds of the toilet being used and then the sink and he was given a moment to himself in bed.



The sheets grew cooler and he suddenly found it far too large for his liking.



When the sheets were pulled up and a warm body pressed up close to him, he sighed and rejoiced in the knowledge that he\'d never sleep alone again.



*





"Okay, who\'s your favorite Beatle?"



Severus snorted into his breakfast tea, though he was fairly sure no one else in Britain was having breakfast at three in the afternoon. Harry had been asking questions for hours, and they seemed to be growing more ridiculous by the moment.



"Don\'t scoff at me; this is a very important question."



"How do you even know about the Beatles?



"How do you?" Harry countered and ate a bite of his toast.



"Well, they\'d broken up by the time I could appreciate them, but I did grow up listening to the Beatles, along with other Muggle music."



"Oh," Harry said and seemed to ponder that for a moment. "So which one was your favorite?"



Severus took another sip, then responded, "George."



Harry\'s grin was instantaneous. "George, huh?" he said as he tugged on the ends of Severus\' hair.



"Hmph. He was the quiet artist. More substance than style."



"Yeah, it figures you would like George."



Nodding, Severus countered with, "And you? Who\'s your favorite?"



"I like John."



Scoffing, Severus looked away and said, "It would figure."



"Huh? Why\'s that?"



"John was very brave: his style, his music, his personal life. He suits you quite well."



"I think I hear an insult."



"I\'m just glad you didn\'t say Ringo."



"No one likes Ringo," Harry said sadly. "Poor Ringo."



*





After breakfast, they dozed, Harry feeling much better than he had the previous day. The softness of the bed and the firmness of Severus\' chest made the perfect combination and he flitted in and out of sleep for over an hour. Finally, he woke at the feel of a hand gently stroking his hair.



Again.



Not that he didn\'t enjoy it. He pushed his head into it a bit, then burrowed into Severus\' neck, his hair making a curtain Harry liked to hide in.



A deep rumble caused his pillow to move and Harry looked up.



"I\'m not a cat, you know?"



"Oh?" Severus said, putting his hand down. "Would you like me to stop?"



Harry sighed and rested his head against Severus\' chest again.



"No."



*





They\'d been kissing for nearly forty minutes by Severus\' estimation.



With Harry\'s body still recovering, it was really all they could do, not that Severus was complaining. No, he was a patient man and had no problem abstaining; especially when abstaining meant he could hold Harry all he liked, kiss him and enjoy what he\'d been denying for months.



No, that wasn\'t the issue, not at all.



The issue was that it was almost as though he was reliving a part of his youth he had previously missed out on. He\'d been a pariah at Hogwarts, his only tryst revolving around sex more than anything else, so this was completely new to him. In all his encounters with men in adulthood, kissing was something to be avoided or rushed through to get to the sex.



There\'d never been a time in his life when kissing was the main event. It had always seemed like a silly thing.



Yet laying with Harry, whom he\'d wanted for so long—even before he knew it was him he\'d wanted—Severus felt his heart swell and his breath taken away at how much of himself he could put into a kiss. Slowly, he would push Harry back into his pillow and thrust his own tongue into his mouth, holding his head as he kissed the past away.



Only to have Harry roll him over a few minutes later to do the same.



It was odd, and it made him feel like a teenager and a bit foolish at the same time.



But it also made him feel as though something that had been missing was being filled until, finally, he shut his mind down and just enjoyed Harry\'s lips on his own.



*





They had lunch a little while later, Harry smiling goofily after their snogging session, his lips feeling raw and used and wonderful. Severus picked up a sandwich, but kissed Harry again before he took a bite.



Hardly able to wipe the silly grin from his face, Harry took a bite of his own, then leaned over to kiss him again before Severus moved to avoid him.



"Are you eating tuna fish?"



Harry looked down at his sandwich, examined its contents again and nodded. "Why?"



"You have tuna fish breath. Brush your teeth when you\'re done with that, please," Severus said with a sniff.



Harry supposed he had the right to feel insulted, but couldn\'t help but laugh.



"Who would have thought Severus Snape was a complete priss?"



"I am not. I simply don\'t want to taste canned fish when I kiss you."



"Right," Harry said with a smile and a nod. "Come here, then," he said, then launched himself onto Severus.



"No, no!" Severus exclaimed as Harry draped himself over his body and proceeded to kiss him everywhere he could.



"Come on, Severus, no one likes a priss!"



"Harry, get off..." he began to say then started laughing and kissing Harry back, so much so that Harry was amazed at the sound.



"You\'re ridiculous, Mr. Potter," he said from under Harry, then kissed him again. "Merlin, will you please brush your teeth?"



*





A few hours later, Harry was walking around the room. He hadn\'t wanted to get out of bed—why would he if Severus was there, naked?—but Severus had insisted that he test how he was recovering. Fairly well, if how he felt entered into it. He walked across the room several times, without support, before he felt tired and Severus helped him back to bed.



He was tempted to shake him off and insist he was feeling fine, but again, why would he when there was a naked Severus pressed up behind him?



"I think we should never put on clothes again."



Severus scoffed and played with Harry\'s hair. "I think the rest of the school might have a hard time accepting that."



"I don\'t know," he said, shifting so he could reach down and take Severus\' cock in his hand. It wasn\'t hard but it grew slightly as he began to fondle it, getting accustomed to the feel of it more than having a goal.



A soft groan and then Severus batted his hand away. "Stop that. You\'re not well yet."



"I\'m well enough for this," he said, then scooted down on the bed before taking a long whiff and an experimental lick of the head of Severus\' cock.



It seemed as though Severus couldn\'t help his moan, the sound practically torn from him as Harry enthusiastically began to alternate between licking up and down his shaft and sucking on the head.



"Harry...ugh...I...fuck!...I don\'t want you to put any...Merlin, keep doing that!"



Harry happily licked the underside of his cock, pleased that he was doing so well on his first try and reached down to cup Severus\' balls. He lightly licked the tight, silky skin before putting pressure on it with his tongue, smiling around it as he heard Severus groan and thrust up slightly into his mouth.



"Harry, you should stop—I—you\'re still recover—"



Harry redoubled his efforts, feeling a bit lightheaded, but determined for them both to enjoy this first time. He could feel Severus\' body trying not to thrust up, so he tried even harder to take more of the length in his mouth.



"Harry—" Severus groaned and Harry began to rub his perineum, doing exactly as Severus had done to him months ago. Slyly, he moved a finger down until it was on Severus\' opening, rubbing it at first, then slowly pushing inside.



"Fuck!" Severus cried out and then came into Harry\'s mouth, saliva and come leaking out as he tried unsuccessfully to swallow.



Severus lay on his back panting, and Harry allowed himself to look up at him, at how undone he was and how beautiful he looked after sex. He looked both sated and bothered at the same time.



"Stupid boy. Come here," he said roughly and Harry obeyed, stumbling a bit after that exertion.



"What on earth compelled you to do that?" Severus said, taking one look at Harry\'s face and kissing him, his lips coming out to lick around Harry\'s.



"Mmm," Harry responded before he was laid down onto Severus\' chest. "Just felt like the thing to do at the time." He looked up at Severus\' pleased yet worried expression and asked, "Did you like it?"



Scoffing, Severus held him closer and said, "I would think that was obvious. I was only worried for you."



"I\'m fine," he said with a yawn. "And I liked it too."



Harry felt something unwind within Severus and his body relax.



A moment passed before Harry asked quietly, "You were still worried about that?"



Severus\' hand paused for a second before it continued. "I have no idea what you mean."



Harry looked up, shocked, and exclaimed, "You were still worried about it. You idiot, I told you I wanted you."



"Yes, but—"



"Shut up. You need to learn to trust me more. I do know my own mind, you know."



"Oh? And do you know now, what you were unsure of then?"



Harry knew what Severus was asking, but he didn\'t really have an answer. He knew it was an important question, a thing that defined a person and something important to Severus; but he also realized he might never know the answer and quickly found he didn\'t care.



"I want you, I\'m attracted to you. I love the way your body feels, the way your cock smells and tastes. I liked it when you fucked me and I know I\'ll like fucking you. Can\'t that be enough?"



Severus breathed a long-suffering sigh and seemed to relax. "I expect you\'ll figure it out one day, but for now...yes, it\'s enough."



Harry smiled and lay back down again.



*





"What\'s your favorite song?



Severus shifted on the bed and considered his record player in the closet, the one that worked on a crank so it would function within Hogwarts\' wards.



He got out of his bed and quickly retrieved the thing and put on the LP in record time, turning it on and getting back under the covers with Harry.



"Your feet are cold," Harry complained, but still covered them with his own.



"Shh," Severus said, then lay down on his pillow, pulling Harry up next to him as one lonely violin began to play.



"Is this—?"



"Shh!" Severus chided, allowing the music to fill up the room. "This is Bruch\'s Violin Concerto number one, second movement, played by Jascha Heiffetz."



Harry ran his fingers over his chest and said, "Oh."



"Just listen."



They laid back and listened as the violin played its familiar, powerful melody, its beauty stirring Severus more now than it ever had before. He closed his eyes and allowed himself to concentrate on the orchestra playing softly in the background, supporting the violin\'s melody and making the air come to life.



"I can\'t tell if I should be happy or sad," Harry said, sounding somewhat lost.



Severus took pity on him and held him tighter. "That\'s alright," he said and kissed him as the violin\'s vibrato pulled a deep sigh from him. He\'d loved this piece for years, and it had always amplified whatever he was feeling at the time—the best music always did that. That he was able to share something he loved with Harry only made it sweeter.



The violin played its beautiful high notes and the melody ended. As though it had been a siren\'s song, Severus shifted and Harry leaned up to look at him as soon as silence pervaded.



"Did you like it?" Severus asked.



Harry nodded, moved. "Yeah, I really did."



"I\'m glad. That\'s my most favorite piece of music." They sat in the silence for another moment, the echo of the fading violin still in the room. Finally, Severus asked, "What\'s your favorite song?"



"I don\'t think I have one," Harry said, uncharacteristically sad. "Can I borrow yours?"



Smiling, Severus picked up his wand and replayed the track. "Yes," he said, content. "You can borrow anything that\'s mine. Take anything you\'d like."



*





After dinner, Harry brought Severus over to kiss him, then silently asked him to rest his head on his chest. He loved holding Severus like this, loved cherishing him as he knew no one ever had before. Maneuvering them into a comfortable position so that Severus\' arms were wrapped around Harry, long hair over his chest and their legs entwined.



Their legs...



Gosh, Severus\' legs...



"You\'re very hairy," he said, squirming a bit at his sudden itch.



"What?" Severus said, lifting his head.



"Your legs. They\'re hairy. Seriously, there\'s, like, some forest under the sheets. I think we might need to take a lumberjack to it or something."



"Must you talk?"



"Hang on," he said, then dove under the covers, lifting them up around Severus\' feet. "I was right!" he said, running his hands through Severus\' dark hair. "It is a forest." He looked closer and said, "Look, there are trees and bushes...there\'s a rabbit!"



"All right, that\'s enough Harry," Severus said, shaking his leg to pry Harry off.



"And there\'s a fox! Oh, run, rabbit, run!"



Harry laughed and then Severus came over to his side of the bed, pulling him under his body and kissing him as his laughter faded. He loved how Severus shut him up.



*





Some time later, when they were quiet and the laughing and kissing had passed, Severus took Harry\'s hand in his and kissed it slowly, lovingly. Perhaps there would be no flowers and chocolates, but Severus did love the written word and there were many things about Harry that inspired him.



"\'The voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses...nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands,\'" he said softly, hoping Harry would hear the affection he\'d put into the verse.



Quickly, Harry pulled his hand just as Severus was about to kiss it again. "Hey!"



"What?" Severus said, wondering what he\'d said.



"My hands are perfectly normal-sized, thank you! And I think we already talked about how... You know... With the short and all."



Oh, Severus thought and scoffed. "Well, that\'s about the reaction I\'d expect from my first attempt at romance."



"What?" Harry asked, gracelessly.



"It\'s a poem, Harry. I thought you\'d like it."



"Oh."



There was silence for a moment and Severus tried not to kick himself for being such a silly arse, but then Harry leaned over him and kissed him.



"Say it again?"



*





"You know, my best friend for the longest time was Ron. Or, I guess Ron and Hermione," Harry said with a sigh. "I feel a bit odd about her. We\'d always been so close, but since Ron\'s died..."



"I know."



"Yeah. And now Remus is back and...he\'s just been great this entire time. I mean, he couldn\'t have been better. I\'m really grateful to him."



Severus said nothing, continuing to run a hand along Harry\'s back, his fingers causing a wonderful sensation to run through him.



"I think he\'s my best friend, now. Or he would be, if anyone was. Which is...odd. I don\'t know. Who\'s your best friend?"



Severus\' hand stilled and Harry felt an odd kind of embarrassment flowing from him, then their eyes met and he saw what Severus couldn\'t say.



"Oh."



"Yes," Severus said, then continued his stroking, his other arm coming around Harry\'s waist to hold him tighter.



Harry felt horrible for embarrassing him so badly and even a bit guilty at the pleasure the sudden knowledge gave him. "I\'m sorry. I didn\'t mean to—"



"Quiet, idiot boy. You\'re all I require."



Harry smiled and let it drop, a deep warmth filling him.



"My only," Severus whispered.



*





Harry loved Severus\' body. It was long and sleek in all the right places and firm and...



He rolled on top of him and let his hands map it out, running over a firm but thin chest, bony hips and hairless thighs. He went lower and greeted Severus\' half-hard cock and placed a kiss on the end, loving the soft grunt that accompanied it, then ran down his hairy legs.



"God, you have a beautiful body."



"You really should put your glasses on."



Harry laughed, then parted Severus\' thighs to run a hand around the soft smoothness there. "I\'m being serious."



"So am I."



Harry slapped a thigh and came back up to kiss Severus right before taking his advice and putting his glasses back on. He knew everything would look even better when they were clear.



"See? They\'re on and you\'re still amaz— Oh," he said, as he looked at Severus\' right shoulder.



"What?" Severus asked, his tone worried. "Stop looking at me like that. Harry?"



He sounded genuinely worried now, so Harry responded. "You have three freckles on your shoulder."



Severus scrunched his brow and tried to turn his head so he could see what Harry was looking at. "Oh. So I do. Why is that so amazing? And stop staring at me like that."



Harry felt something stir inside him, and he draped himself over Severus to lick his shoulder.



"You have three freckles on your shoulder and you\'re beautiful," he said, not caring that he sounded like an idiot. "I want to name them."



Severus lifted an eyebrow, but said nothing.



"This one is Marshall," Harry said, kissing it, then moving on to the next. "And this one is Dimitri."



"Dimitri?" Severus asked, somewhat breathless.



"He\'s an exchange freckle from Russia. And this one," he said, licking it, "is Mildred."



"Mildred?" Severus asked, only this time with an edge to his tone.



"Yeah, I don\'t know why, but one of your freckles is a girl."



"Hmph."



"I love your body," Harry breathed, then slowly started to show Severus exactly how much. He ran his hands over Severus\' sides as he kissed and licked and nipped his way down, smiling around wonderful nipples when he felt Severus shudder silently, then moved down to his stomach and hips, kissing pale flesh as he went.



He rubbed his nose over Severus\' hard cock and felt his own stirring.



"Oh," he said, quickly climbing up to kiss Severus again. "Well, that\'s just luck."



Severus\' eyes went wide and his hips thrust up, almost on their own accord. Harry quickly lined up their cocks so they were thrusting against each other, his erection raging now that it was rubbing against Severus\'.



They quickly found a rhythm, Severus\' arms coming around to grab Harry\'s back, then down to his arse, making Harry moan and thrust faster. They lost their easy rhythm as soon as they\'d found it, Harry leaning down to kiss Severus, and Severus groaning into it, only making Harry lose control quicker.



"Fuck!" he exclaimed as he delighted in Severus\' smooth body under his, pulling Severus\' head by his hair so he could bite into his neck. And then Severus was coming with Harry quickly following.



He quickly crashed down, only to be caught by Severus\' strong arms, both of them panting into the silence. Slowly, Severus reached up a hand to stroke his hair and Harry sighed into it, luxuriating in the afterglow.



"We\'re going to be disgusting soon if we don\'t clean up."



"I\'m fine with being disgusting," Harry said, his face squashed against Severus\' chest.



A sigh, then a whispered spell and they were clean.



Feeling more comfortable, Harry nestled deeper into the embrace. "That was amazing," he said, then realized that what was amazing to a seventeen-year-old might not be amazing to Severus. "Um... How... Did you—



Severus silenced Harry with a kiss, then he responded, "Yes, it was."



*





"Tell me something about yourself. Something unimportant but you think I should know," Harry said later that evening while Severus rested his head on his shoulder.



Severus considered what he should tell Harry. They\'d covered so many topics these days lying in bed, happy just talking to each other. Some were very important, some—love of the Beatles notwithstanding—not at all. He decided to offer up what he viewed as a weakness Harry would soon encounter.



"I get sick every winter."



He felt Harry\'s head tilt down to look at him. "You get sick?"



"Terribly. It\'s disgusting and I haven\'t been able to find a potion to prevent it."



"Oh," Harry said and ran his hand through Severus\' hair. "Well, what do you do?"



"I rest, I eat soup and drink tea and take cold potions that hardly work. It\'s very frustrating being a potions master who is unable to cure his own cold."



"Yeah, I can imagine that would be frustrating."



They were silent for a few minutes, then Harry suddenly said, "If you get sick, I\'ll take care of you."



"Thank you," Severus said, genuinely happy Harry had said that. "I am serious about it being disgusting, though."



His head moved up and down as Harry laughed then said, "I\'ll still take care of you."



Smiling and holding him tighter, Severus relaxed into the silence and closed his eyes, still amazed at how easily he could fall asleep with Harry.



"Alright, here\'s one for you," Harry said, rousing Severus from his dozing. "If there is a heaven, and it could be anything at all, anything you wanted it to be...what would it be for you?"



Severus stilled and his eyes opened wide at familiar words, the voice from his dream from months ago replaying in his head.



"Severus?"



Closing his eyes, he rubbed his cheek onto Harry\'s chest and inhaled deeply, wanting the feel of him, the smell of him all around him, to remind him that the nightmare hadn\'t happened, that Harry was here with him now.



Lifting himself up slowly, Severus leaned over Harry and kissed his lips, pushing him deeper into his pillows as Harry\'s arms came up to surround him.



This wasn\'t a dream, he reminded himself. This was real.



He pulled away from the kiss and put his hand on Harry\'s face, tracing his cheekbones with his thumbs, still amazed that they were here, together. The memory of the nightmare faded away and Severus answered Harry\'s question.



"I imagine it would be something very much like this."