Pains and Contradictions

A/N: This story is rated M and while some chapters might be beyond tame, there will be sex and violence. I promise.

This chapter is dedicated to the lovely people at SeverusSighs, in particular Winoniel, HPStrangelove, LD7, Jak, Shadowrayven who made me blush the other day during our meet-up. I hope you ladies like this.

Thanks to Torina for always looking over my plot and to thesewarmstars and WhiteCotton for a fantastic beta job.

This chapter was so difficult to write, and I'm so glad it came out the way it did. For anyone on SeverusSighs, you know how difficult it was (and I do apologize for the whining) and I thank you for your kind words.

As always, thank you for your reviews. They all mean so much to me. If anyone would like to be added to the update list, please leave your email address in a review. If you'd like a reply, just ask and I will gladly do so.

"Desperation is the raw material of drastic change. Only those who can leave behind everything they have ever believed in can hope to escape." -- William S. Burroughs


Severus hadn't said a word when Dumbledore told him to remain outside the Infirmary while he and Poppy attended to Harry. He'd barely been able to nod his head, his powers of speech vanishing as the door slammed shut, leaving him in the empty hallway. He sat down in the chair someone had conjured for him and tried to feel Harry through the bond.

His entire body shaking, his defenses gone and his whole being blasted open, he closed his eyes and found the cord that connected them.

It felt weak. Harry felt weak. He tried once again to give him his own strength, praying that what he hadn't been able to do before would somehow work this time.

It didn't. It simply lay there, this fragile thing connecting them no stronger than the day Severus had created it.

Opening his eyes, he sat, his hands gripping the seat of his chair until his knuckles were white, and found himself completely undone.

Merlin, what have I done?

In all his life, he had never felt so powerless. Not since Lily...

No, he thought. It hadn't been like this, he hadn't felt like this even when Lily died. Lily had been his only real friend. His betrayal had led to her death and a lifetime of struggling for atonement, but even then he had never felt so completely disarmed, so utterly destroyed.

He lifted a hand to his face and was unsurprised to find it shaking. Looking towards the door, he closed his eyes and allowed his thoughts to drift over Harry.

Severus was an unbeliever. Benevolent deities did not exist in his world and yet, in a moment of pure helplessness, he found himself sorely tempted to believe.

"Please..." he started, but had no idea to whom he was speaking, who would bother to listen. He cupped his hands around his mouth and shuddered, closing his eyes and simply repeating, "Please," one more time before closing his eyes, once again trying to find Harry.

He barely registered the sound of another chair being Conjured or the sound of weight shifting as whoever was next to him sat down.

"Your Slytherins are fine. They're all present and accounted for...except Draco Malfoy."

Severus opened his eyes and looked to his right, into the harsh, angry glare of Remus Lupin.

"What?" he said, not having registered Lupin's words.

"Your students are in their dorm. They're all fine," he repeated and turned his eyes to the door of the infirmary. "Harry?" he asked.

Severus started to say that he didn't know, that Dumbledore and Poppy were in with him and no one had told him anything, but he doubted his capacity to speak without his voice shaking. He settled for shrugging and found he didn't care in the least if he looked like a fool incapable of answering a simple question.

Lupin stared at him for another moment then resumed watching the door, and at once Severus was glad Lupin was here, if only so he didn't have to suffer this alone.

And wasn't that a surprise.

The silence between them stretching, Severus continued watching the door, waiting, each minute feeling like an eternity. His thoughts again began to wander over Harry, over how awful their last encounter had been, how Harry finally realized what Severus had known all along: that he was far better than what Severus deserved.

Suddenly, he realized the ridiculousness of the situation. Harry didn't want him here. He wanted to move on, to do what Severus had both hoped and feared for the past two months. He wouldn't want to see him here if—when he woke up. He had made that very clear in their last conversation.

Dejected, Severus looked around and saw Lupin still staring at the door, not a whisper of sound coming through the cracks. Whatever was wrong with Harry, he could learn of later. He shouldn't be here... Not when Harry had made his feelings on the matter clear.

He rose on shaking legs to make his way back to his dungeons, to hide his shame and grief in his quarters, not sparing a thought to anyone who might see the state he was in along the way.

"Sit down!"

Severus turned his head with a snap at the barked command, Lupin's voice never having sounded so harsh.

Their eyes met and Severus found not an ounce of pity, not a fragment of understanding or Lupin's usual good nature. It seemed Severus had outrun Lupin's seemingly endless capacity for patience and understanding at last.

He looked towards the doors again, and while a part of him wanted to ignore Lupin's words, another part forced him to pay attention.

Harry was on the other side of that door. He might not want to see Severus, but Severus could no sooner be away from Harry...

Severus faltered and sank back down onto his chair, brushing off the hand that came out to steady him.

Though he'd hated it, Severus had borne the weight of separation for the past months knowing without a doubt that he should be away from Harry. Sitting here, waiting to see if the only man he'd ever loved was going to live or die, brought a profound sense of change.

Severus didn't want to go to the dungeons because Harry wasn't there. With a soft groan, Severus bowed his head and cursed himself.

"Are you not done yet, Severus?" Lupin said, his voice full of venom, but before Severus could answer, the door to the infirmary swung open and Dumbledore walked out.

"Severus..." he began, his steps fatigued and his expression weary. He looked over to both of them before Lupin stood up and sped past him, not waiting to hear whatever Dumbledore had to say.

Severus wanted to follow him, but Dumbledore lifted a hand to hold him off and began to speak. "Severus..."

"How is he?"

"There's nothing physically wrong with him. He was hit with only one spell..."

"What was it?"

"...but I'm not entirely sure what spell Voldemort used. I only know his intention."

Growing frustrated, his eyes darting between Dumbledore and the door to the infirmary, Severus gritted his teeth and asked, "Which was?"

With a sigh, Dumbledore said in a tired tone, "Voldemort has always desired immortality, and I believe we now know what he aimed to accomplish when he ordered the attack on the Hogwarts Express."

Sitting down in the chair Lupin had just vacated, Dumbledore sighed and removed his glasses, rubbing his eyes for a moment while Severus seethed. In the corner of his eye, he saw someone walk quickly past him and into the infirmary, his head turning just fast enough to catch sight of Hermione Granger tearfully closing the door.

"The spell he used would have removed Harry's soul and strengthened his own to the point of immortality."

Severus paled and, without realizing what he was doing, closed his eyes again and tried to feel Harry through the bond.

"It failed," Dumbledore said quickly, putting a hand on Severus' arm. "His body is...fine. There's not a thing wrong with him, but we aren't able to wake him. I believe the spell failed—the only way Harry was able to survive—due to the bond."

Severus met his eyes, looking for recrimination there, for the anger and the disappointment that had been so clear in Lupin, but found none.

"It seems there was a reason for it, after all," Dumbledore said plainly. "If you had not bonded..." He paused, and thoughts of Harry's death, or worse—soulless existence—ran through Severus' mind. The clearing of a throat brought him back to the present, away from those nightmares.

"If you had not bonded, I am sure that Harry would be dead now, and Voldemort immortal."

Severus sank down in his chair again, his body betraying him with its shaking.

"Do you understand now, Severus?"

A heavy weight sank down upon his shoulders and anger flared within him; anger at himself, for all he had and had not done for Harry. He turned towards Dumbledore, his features twisted in a sneer, and hissed through his teeth, "Are you going to place the blame where it belongs? Hmm? Tell me this is completely my fault, that I should never have sent Harry away? That I should—"

"No," Dumbledore said plainly. "No, I'll do nothing of the sort. There's nothing left to say that I haven't already said, Severus."

Twisting himself in his seat, Dumbledore turned to look at Severus. "And besides," he said, looking away, "You are not the only one at fault."

Allowing himself to be petty for a moment, Severus turned and realized that if he desired, he could call Dumbledore out for not canceling the game. That he could share the blame for Harry's current situation with him. But to do so would be to downplay his own actions, and what he had done had been far more terrible than Dumbledore's inaction.

Still, he was curious.

"How did they get through the wards?"

Dumbledore looked down. "They didn't."

Something twisted in Severus' chest as a dozen possible scenarios ran through his mind. "Oh?"

"The wards are completely intact. They walked through the main gate."

Stunned beyond rage, Severus held his tongue, wanting nothing more than to tear him to shreds for his presumption. "You added wards to the castle, but not the grounds."

Dumbledore nodded and the silence stretched between them.

"I did not expect an attack to come in plain sight," he said, his voice full of regret. "This... In a hundred years, I would have never anticipated..."

Severus wanted to take pity on him, realizing he could hardly blame Dumbledore for Harry's state, but couldn't. He simply turned away from him, his eyes wandering towards the door.

Suddenly, it opened and Lupin walked out, his face pale and worried. He looked to Dumbledore and said, "I'll be in my rooms." He deliberately did not look at Severus as he added, "Let me know when he wakes up."

Dumbledore nodded and they said nothing as Lupin left them, the silence stretching out for a long moment.

"Well," Dumbledore said, rising. "There is nothing I can do for him. The only thing that may help is you. Go to him; let him know you're there. It may be the only thing that can wake him." He looked down on Severus and gave him a sad smile, then gripped his arm firmly. There was a deep sadness radiating from him, and Severus took notice of it, as it mirrored his own.

"It's not too late, my boy." His smile disappeared as he turned and walked away, his steps slow and his shoulders slumped.

Severus watched as he left, then slowly turned his head towards the door, fearing it as though death itself was waiting for him on the other side. It would tear his heart out to see Harry hurt, and yet he could no more stay away than he could deny his next breath.

With no thought as to what he was doing, he stood up and began to walk through the door. Harry was on the other side and if Severus could help him...

Before he could begin to regret his decision, he opened the door and walked inside.

From the shadows, he looked within and his steps faltered. There, in the first bed, lay Harry, who looked far paler than Severus could remember ever seeing him before. His hair was still in disarray after his panicked flight from the Dark Lord and his lips were almost white. Though Severus knew there was no fever, he looked ill, as though he was simply under the weather and any number of potions could cure him.

Though he hated seeing Harry injured, he still breathed a sigh of relief at seeing him; at seeing with his eyes that he was alive.

"Professor Snape?"

He turned his head towards the voice, his thoughts torn away from Harry as he took in the figure by his bed that he hadn't cared to notice until now. Hermione Granger sat in the little chair Harry had occupied when Severus himself was in the infirmary, Harry's hand within hers.

His eyes focused upon it and he sneered.

"Should I move? Do you need to give Harry a potion? Madam Pomfrey said—"

The girl broke off and Severus couldn't force himself to care why, his eyes moving from her hand holding Harry's back to that beloved face, scanning for any sign of life, anything that could give him hope. He took in everything he had been missing, looking on Harry the way he'd wanted to for months now, but had been unable. His thoughts and emotions were scattered within him and he had no idea what he was doing still standing there when he should be next to Harry...

Or perhaps he shouldn't be here at all.

"Oh," said a voice near the bed, and Severus was reminded there was another person in the room, her eyes scanning his face as though she had never seen him before.

Her face was almost comical in its shock. She looked at him with wide eyes, as though her mind was working overtime to understand whatever it was she was seeing.

"Oh," she repeated, and this time she let go of Harry's hand as she said it. "You," she said softly, her eyes boring into Severus.

Having no idea what the girl was talking about, Severus looked at her curiously, not trusting his voice at the moment. The question, however, seemed to be understood, and Granger responded to his silent inquiry.

"It's you. I never would have imagined... How—oh. The summer?"

"Make sense, girl," Severus said, his voice no louder than a whisper.

"You're..." she began, but she broke off and looked over at Harry on the bed, Severus' eyes drawn there as well. "Harry said that he'd...found someone. I never would have thought it was you. Even with the summer..."

Severus said nothing and approached the bed, Granger standing up and taking a step back as he swooped down and took Harry's hand in his, hardly able to help himself.

"He's been sad," she said tentatively, softly as though she only then realized to whom she was speaking. "I thought it was because of Ron, and I..." she trailed off, but Severus was hardly listening to her. His eyes were on Harry, his thoughts racing as he tried to decide what to do, whether he should stay or go.

"Was it because of the headmaster? Or the board of governors?"

Not turning to look at her, he said in a hiss, "Ask a question or get out."

There was blessed silence for a few moments, then she said, "Harry said you loved him, that he was sure of it, but... Well, it was clear that you weren't together. The only thing that makes any sense is—"

"Be quiet!" he said, his teeth clenched as he closed his eyes and tried to find Harry, tried to reach out to him. The cord that bound them was still fragile, but Severus could feel him more easily when he was touching him. He grasped Harry's hand tighter and concentrated.

The physical contact helped. He couldn't explain exactly how he was doing it or what he was doing, but he knew he was sending his strength to Harry. He felt the fragile cord that bound them together stronger now, his hands on Harry's, and he closed his eyes to concentrate harder.

"Professor Snape."

Severus said nothing and tried to ignore her, tried to concentrate on Harry and the little help he was able to give him. He heard footsteps and then could sense someone next to him. He ignored her, his thoughts only on Harry, but the minutes stretched on and he wanted nothing more than to be alone with him.

He turned to look at her, knowing that his face revealed his every emotion yet unable to summon any strength to hide it.

Her face was straight as she looked down on him, her shoulders squared but her body tense as she said, "I don't know what's happened between you—"

"Then perhaps you should mind your own business."

"—but do you realize how lucky you are? He could have died!" she said, raising her voice so that Severus could clearly hear the quiver at the end. "Whatever it is that's come between you, is it worth it?"

The audacity, the sheer cheek of the girl had Severus seething, his anger flaring. He glared at her, but didn't dare speak, not even to command her to shut her mouth. His emotions were too raw and he suspected his voice would waver with anything he said.

He heard soft footsteps and then Granger was leaning down to kiss Harry on the cheek, and murmuring something Severus couldn't hear into his ear. He grimaced and glared at her as she looked once more at him, then left the room.

Alone now with Harry, Severus tried to push away his racing thoughts and simply take in that which he had been missing for months now. Looking down on him, Severus used his fingers to trace the contours of Harry's face: the softness of his lips and beloved eyes, the slight scruff on his cheek. He vaguely remembered the night of their bonding, the details of their coupling not as clear as he would have liked them to be. He allowed himself to look his fill and touch Harry's face in a way he'd never permitted himself before.

Severus truly did not deserve him.

And yet seeing him in the infirmary, injured in a way that no one but Severus could heal...

Severus closed his eyes and admitted defeat. He could no longer deny Harry, no longer deny their shared destiny. Harry needed him, needed his protection, and the bond needed to be matured. The fight he had been fighting for what felt like ages died and Severus felt at once immense relief and the greatest of guilt.

This was what he'd wanted all along. He wanted Harry, needed Harry and now he would have him. But to what end? Harry would know his intentions; he could hardly hide it from him. He would know the reason he'd finally given in and hate him for it.

The thought of seeing Harry's beautiful face twisted in anger turned Severus' stomach and he knew that Harry would never allow it. He would never be with Severus out of any sense of duty.

But where did that leave him? He needed to be with Harry, to protect him. He understood that now. But that didn't change the fact that he was no more worthy of him now than he had been a day ago.

Severus scoffed and brought up Harry's hand to his lips, his mind in turmoil.

*

Severus sat with him for the rest of the day and into the night. Granger had come by once more to check on Harry, but there had been no change aside from what Severus could feel. Lupin had come by three times, the last time pulling up a chair behind Severus and sitting in silence for an hour.

They all seemed to take in the way Severus was holding onto Harry with an odd look and then left them be. Severus was only too happy to see them go. With all he was, he poured his strength into the bond, praying for him to wake up, yet having no idea what he would do when that happened.

The moon shone through the windows of the infirmary, but Severus hardly noticed the time pass. He simply sat next to Harry, holding onto his hand for dear life.

He sat in the quiet, those who came and went respecting his silent wishes, until Dumbledore walked quietly into the room.

"How is he?"

Severus shook his head and said, "I have no idea."

Dumbledore said nothing and did not sit down. Instead he walked over to Severus and placed a hand on his shoulder.

"My dear boy," he began and Severus could hear the change in his tone in comparison to what it had been these past months. It was seeped with affection that, despite everything, he was grateful to receive.

"My most trusted friend..." Dumbledore started again, "I know you feel as though you are completely alone, that no one could possibly understand what you've gone through these past months, but you couldn't be more wrong."

Severus said nothing and silently hoped that Dumbledore was not planning on staying long, the relief at hearing a kind voice gone now that he could guess what was coming.

"Hasn't he suffered enough, Severus? Would you really continue this charade, denying your feelings when they're so very clear in everything you do?"

Severus shook his head, his thoughts over the last few hours coming out in a rush. "I know my responsibility. This is my...burden. My atonement. I realize I've...neglected it, but I know my task now."

Though he could not see it, his eyes still on Harry's pale face, Severus could almost hear Dumbledore shake his head.

"Love is never a burden, Severus. And do you truly think Harry will be happy living that way?"

Severus closed his eyes and his shoulders slumped. He knew Harry wouldn't be happy, but he could hardly fathom any other way to be, no other way he could possibly allow himself to ever be with someone as good and beautiful as Harry.

"No," he whispered, feeling exposed and torn open. "But how do I reconcile... He is... If not to protect him, if not to strengthen the bond, then to what end?"

"Do you love him?"

Severus jerked his head to the side, finally meeting Dumbledore's eyes and hissed, "Don't ask questions to which you already know the answers."

"Do you wish to see him happy, then?"

Severus turned back around and brought up Harry's hand to his face once again, wanting as much contact as possible.

"Yes," he answered, lost. He had no idea how to make anyone happy, let alone Harry.

"Tell me something, Severus. When was the last time you saw Harry happy?"

Looking down on his pale face, Severus took in the pained expression that twisted Harry's features, the same expression he'd worn for the last two months. It had been some time since he'd seen Harry smile, longer since he'd heard Harry laugh. He struggled to remember the last time he saw happiness in Harry's eyes and realized it had been months ago, the day of their bonding.

He'd hardly been lucid enough to remember, but Severus could recall Harry smiling, Harry happy and more than eager to accept any love Severus had to offer.

He sighed and closed his eyes again, his emotions twisted up within him, everything he knew about his own nature at war with what he knew of Harry.

"I hardly understood why Harry had no desire to leave the dungeons after you were well, Severus," Dumbledore said, his voice soft and calming, "but I was very glad to discover you had put your differences aside. I was...very blind to what was happening between the two of you. Well," he said, pausing to grip Severus' shoulder harder, "there's no fool like an old fool. But he was happy, Severus. He was very happy that summer, when he really had no right to be. Even then, he loved you that much."

Severus didn't want to believe it, wanted to hide behind his protections, the walls he had so perfectly arranged around himself. He closed his eyes as he felt the last of his defenses fall. Holding Harry's hand in his, he could no longer deny the truth.

"I understand that you feel unworthy of him, Severus. I do. You think you're receiving something precious that you don't deserve."

He heard soft footsteps and then brightly colored robes filled his vision and Dumbledore looked down upon him, his eyes misty, his sadness evident.

"But what you don't realize is that you're taking something precious from him as well. It is not up to you to decide your own worth and you don't get to choose for him, Severus. He's chosen you. And every day you deny him is only causing him more pain."

A hand patted his head slowly and Severus couldn't find the strength to pull away.

"We all make mistakes, my dear boy, but very few of us get a second chance to make things right. I believe Harry will wake up soon. I know you'll do the right thing."

And, with that, Dumbledore removed his hand and quickly walked out of the room. Upon hearing the door shut, Severus leaned over Harry's bed, burrowed his head into his chest, and wept.

Not caring that Harry could hardly hear him, he whispered into his nightshirt, "You really are so incredibly stupid." He lifted his head and perched on the edge of Harry's bed, his hair coming down around Harry's face like a curtain.

"Do you realize you could have anyone you wanted?" he asked in a hiss, his voice rough and low, revealing every ounce of his desperation. He pulled back and wiped his eyes, knowing that only Harry could bring him to such a breaking point.

Not caring that his voice was coming out in pants he hissed, "Do you even realize how beautiful you are? Or how good..." His throat clenched and his words trailed off and then he shouted, "You know what I am and what I've done and yet you... Stupid, stupid boy!" A tear ran down his face and he hurried to wipe it off, angry now that he was finally talking to Harry, finally telling him what he'd wanted to tell him for months. Then, with no one but Harry to witness it, something inside Severus broke, the thing he'd lived with for nearly twenty years leaving him, and for the first time, allowing him to hope.

"It's very likely I'll make you miserable," he said, his hand running over Harry's chest. "God knows I don't know how to make anyone happy. I've never done this before."

He clenched his fist and then released it, his hand coming up to grip Harry's nightshirt, as though he were awake for Severus to demand his attention.

"I don't know why you would want me, even with the bond in place... I have no idea why you would ever choose me." He looked around the Infirmary, the place looking different somehow, then wiped his face.

"You really are an idiot."

Leaning over, Severus straightened Harry's shirt and lingered to place a kiss upon his cold, pale lips.

"It may be too late, and you're going to be very angry with me. But if you'll allow it, I swear I'll try my hardest to be what you deserve."

Harry said nothing, but he didn't need to. Not yet.

Severus resigned himself to wait patiently and kissed his face again.

*

An hour later, Severus was startled from his thoughts by the sound of a deep inhale and then Harry shifting in the bed. He gripped his hand tighter, realizing it was very likely that Harry would pull away as soon as he was able.

Tilting his head to the side, Harry blinked away the sleep and then squinted into the darkness. Apprehensive now, Severus steeled himself for what was to come and took Harry's glasses off the side table, putting them on his face.

A moment passed and then Harry looked at him, his eyes lighting up for a moment before they diminished, as though Harry had forgotten their last encounter for a moment, then suddenly remembered.

"Get out," he said roughly, his voice weak and rough from sleep.

Severus grasped his hand tighter still and sat up straighter in his chair, resolved now to do the right thing.

"No."

Harry looked at him, then looked away before he scoffed.

"I don't want you here. Leave." He looked over and down to his hand. "And let go of my hand."

Torn between not wanting to give any ground and his desire to respect Harry's wishes, Severus rubbed his knuckles with his thumb before laying his hand down on the bed, only to cover it with his own.

"No," he said plainly, stiffening at the glare Harry sent him.

"Fine," he croaked. "I don't care what you do." He pulled his hand away from Severus' and turned away from him.

Severus had no experience in apologies, at least not with the words that accompany them. He had no doubt that given enough time he could make it up to Harry, but knew he'd never get the chance if he didn't say the right thing now.

He had no idea what to say, so he settled for the obvious.

"Harry, I'm sorry."

Rage

Sadness

Harry was still turned away from him, but Severus could see his face in the moonlight, how it twisted in despair as he repeated, "Y—you're sorry. What exactly are you sorry for? It's not your fault Voldemort decided to show up and..." He trailed off and looked at Severus, curious now. "What exactly did he do?"

"He tried to steal your soul, thus making himself immortal."

Harry paled further and turned away from Severus again. He shook his head and asked, "I'm guessing it didn't work?"

"No," Severus answered. "The bond—"

"I don't want to hear about the bond," he interrupted, his irritation apparent. "I don't want to hear anything from you," he said, as though his anger was only strengthening the longer he was awake. "Go away."

Severus stiffened but refused to back down. "Harry, I've been a fool—"

A hysterical laugh came from his throat but Severus thought it could have easily been a sob.

"What do you want, Severus? I'm tired," he said in a small voice. "I don't want to do this anymore." He looked over at Severus and said in a furious whisper, "Don't you understand? I can't do this anymore."

Severus closed his eyes and gathered all his strength to say what needed to be said.

"I know. I can't do this anymore, either." He paused and then entreated, his voice solemn and contrite, "Come home, Harry."

The scoff and scathing tirade he was expecting didn't come, and Severus watched as Harry looked at him amazed.

"What?"

"Come home. I realize now I've been a fool, that I should never have sent you away. The dungeons..." He stopped as his throat clenched and hesitated, turning his head away from Harry.

"Look at me," Harry commanded and Severus obeyed. "Why should I? After everything you did to me, why the hell should I go with you now?"

Severus was tempted to respond with 'I've no idea and it would probably end with disaster' but pushed it aside. Instead, he said, "Because I want you there. Because the dungeons are cold without you. Because I'm tired as well."

Harry's eyes softened for a moment before he turned away, his face resolved again. "I don't want to go with you. Do you think I would put myself through that again? After everything you did?"

Severus could hear the lie and knew that a part of Harry did want to come home with him, but was too hurt and too proud to do so. He redoubled his efforts.

"If you would allow it, I would make it up to you."

"How?" Harry said with a scoff. "I can't think of a thing you could do that could be enough."

"I know I've hurt you—"

"No," Harry said, forcing Severus to meet his eyes. "You don't."

Severus wanted to argue, to tell Harry that he knew everything he felt through the bond, that he knew the pain he'd caused.

Somehow, Harry must have guessed what he was thinking and he shook his head. "No, Severus. You have no idea what you did to me. You took something precious from me, and I don't think I could ever forgive you for that." He stopped and thought for a minute. "I'm not sure I want to forgive you."

Defeated, Severus felt as though all the breath left his body and his heart sank in his chest. If Harry had been willing to forgive him, he thought he had a chance. If he made a conscious effort to hate Severus...

"Don't," Harry said, interrupting his train of thought. "Don't do that. You deserve this. You know you do."

"What do you wish of me?" Severus asked, knowing he would do anything to make it up to Harry, yet growing frustrated despite himself. "I was wrong. I admit it..." He put his face in his hands, knowing he was mucking this up yet not knowing how to make it right. "I have no experience in matters of the heart, Harry; I've never done this before."

"I don't care."

"What do you wish of me?" he repeated, raising his voice. "Do you want me to beg? Do you wish me to debase myself, fall to my knees?" he asked, his frustration at himself and Harry getting the best of him. "Would that somehow make things better for you?"

"No," Harry answered, his voice cold. "If you wanted to make it better, you'd fall to your knees and beg me, and then I'd say no."

It took all his resolve to not lower his eyes, wanting nothing more than to turn back time to undo the damage he'd done. His past sins were terrible, but hearing Harry say such harsh words was the worst kind of pain.

"It's because I almost died, isn't it?" Harry asked in a whisper. "You feel guilty and now you want to do the right thing."

"No," Severus said, shaking his head.

"I can't live that way."

"Nor could I..."

Harry looked doubtful, but must have felt Severus' sincerity. "Why, then?"

"You need some declaration?"

"I want—" Harry said, his voice raised, before he closed his eyes and shuddered. "I don't know what I want. I just know I'm tired of all this."

"Yes." Severus knew exactly how Harry felt. "Harry..." he said, waiting for Harry to look at him. Green eyes shone in the faint light of the Infirmary, Harry waiting to hear what Severus had to say.

All words left him. Never had so much relied on some simple statement, some rhetorical declaration that he had no idea how to make. Pretty words were just that to him: words and nothing more. It was in his actions that he'd dedicated himself to Harry; in his protection, in the way he taught him, in the way he'd brought him into his home. Sitting there, their future hanging in the balance, Severus was at a loss for words and struggled for something of substance to say.

Nothing came to him, and he held Harry's hand again, communicating in the way he had earlier, the way he had woken Harry. The only way he knew how.

Kissing his hand lightly, he closed his eyes and allowed every feeling of regret, every ounce of devotion, the yearning and desire he felt and all the love he held for Harry to pour out of him, hoping Harry would understand.

A moment passed and then the hand in his own gripped his harder. He opened his eyes and looked up, meeting Harry's. There was a mist that could barely be seen behind Harry's glasses, and he still looked angry, but Severus knew he'd been heard.

Harry blinked, turned his head away and frowned, and Severus could feel the turmoil running through him. He shook his head and looked down toward their joined hands.

"I'm so angry with you," Harry whispered.

"I know," Severus responded, rubbing his knuckles with his hand.

"You shouldn't have done that," he said and Severus wanted to scoff at his understatement.

"No," he said softly. "I shouldn't have."

"You're going to make it up to me," he said. It was not a question.

"Yes," Severus answered, bringing his hand up to kiss. "Yes. Come home with me."

Harry looked at Severus, his eyes searching Severus' for some sense of truth. Anger and indignation flooded the bond and his face twisted one last time before his anger slowly receded and Harry relaxed against his pillows.

"Okay."

*
Harry wanted to be angry, he really did. It was a strange feeling, wanting to hate someone but being unable.

But seeing Severus, his face so open and expressive, broke whatever fragile anger he'd felt towards him. Feeling what Severus was feeling—stronger than he had ever felt before—renewed something in Harry that he hadn't been aware was exhausted.

And he really was so tired.

His fingers were being kissed individually and Harry shuddered at the feeling, a delightful wisp of happiness and astonishment running through him as he watched Severus in awe.

He wanted to say several things at that moment: that it felt odd yet wonderful to have his fingers kissed, that he loved Severus and felt as though a weight had been lifted off his shoulders, that he was so incredibly happy, so relieved that all of this was over with.

Instead, he said, "Can we go home now?"

Severus looked up from where he was nuzzling Harry's hand and gave a small smile, and Harry felt his insides twist.

"Yes," he said, standing up, then leaned down to put his hands under Harry's knees and back.

"Wait," Harry said and he could hardly help the way he straightened up as Severus attempted to lift him from the bed. "You didn't let me carry you when you were sick, I'm hardly going to let you carry me."

Severus frowned and said, "Don't be foolish. You're injured and require help."

"Then help me," he said, his voice insisting Severus listen to him. "Help me to your rooms." He felt a twinge of guilt from Severus and looked up at him, begging him to understand. "I'm tired."

His look softened and Severus laid Harry back on the bed, helping him to swing his legs over the side.

"Our rooms."

A small smile escaped his face before he could help it, and Harry put a sore arm around Severus' shoulder and stood up.

A grunt and then Severus was catching him before his knees gave way, then holding him while he put weight on his legs again.

As quickly as he could—which was to say not quickly at all—Harry walked to the Floo, finally understanding why Severus had been so angry about being helped all that time.

"Did Poppy say what he did to me or—" he broke off as a flare of pain shot up his back. "Or how long it would take me to recover?"

Severus looked over at him, and Harry didn't need the bond to read his concern. He bit his lip and tried to keep moving, and Severus must have understood, the both of them finally reaching the mantel.

"Dumbledore believes the bond is the only thing that saved you. The two of us spending time in each other's company will help you." He grabbed a bit of Floo Powder and looked down at Harry. "And I don't plan on being away from you for the foreseeable future."

Harry shivered and smiled again, his eyes drifting over Severus' face and ending upon his lips.

"Severus Snape's rooms, Hogwarts!" Severus said, and they both went through the flames.

Unlike the last time they had left the Infirmary together, they ended up exiting the Floo gracefully, Harry hardly stumbling at all as Severus aided his travel.

Harry looked up at him, then around the room, and couldn't help the smile that graced his features.

The place looked exactly as he remembered it; it had never felt so good to be home.

"Welcome home, Harry," Severus said, and then placed a kiss on his cheek. Harry turned and tilted his head up, but Severus simply started to walk again, beginning the short journey into the bedroom.

The room was cold as he walked in, but Severus quickly lit the fire, then spelled the bed sheets back before laying Harry down. With a moan of pleasure, Harry allowed himself to sink back into the blankets, the beloved smell of Severus surrounding him as he allowed himself to relax.

He was tucked in and Severus was halfway to a chair in the corner before he knew what was happening.

"What are you doing over there?"

Severus looked up. "Allowing you to sleep."

Extending a trembling hand, Harry called Severus over to him, the slight tremors embarrassing him but also causing Severus to come all the quicker.

"You said you were going to make it up to me."

A solemn expression crossed Severus' face and he nodded, then said, "In any way I can."

Harry yawned and pulled back the sheets. "Then get in," he said, hating the way things between them seemed so fragile now; the way Severus seemed so skittish around him. He gave an exasperated huff and said solemnly, "We have a lot of time to make up for, and I don't want you away from me for longer than a trip to the loo."

Taking a moment, Severus examined his face and seemed to consider what he was saying before he nodded and tentatively took off his robes and began unbuttoning his waistcoat. Harry allowed himself to look his fill, regretting that his body was hardly able to do what the rest of him wanted.

Once he was down to his shirt, Severus looked up and asked Harry a silent question. He nodded and Severus undid the last of his buttons and climbed into bed.

His heart pounding in his chest, Harry counted the seconds it took Severus to cross the short distance between them and take Harry into his arms. He closed his eyes with a sigh as he felt strong arms come around him, pulling him closer, a hand running through his hair pulling his head down onto a firm chest.

His body began to unwind, muscles that had been clenched for months relaxing under Severus' touch. Harry sighed and put his nose into the space between Severus' neck and ear, the dark hair a curtain around his head as he shuddered and inhaled.

It smelled like home.

A kiss on his forehead, then his cheek and Harry was turned to his side, hands coming up to run through his hair and over his face, removing his glasses as he finally opened his eyes.

After months of waiting, Harry took one look at Severus, his expression so open and his emotions exposed, and closed his eyes and kissed him. He lifted a trembling hand to run through Severus' hair, resting his hand on the nape of his neck as he held Severus close, not wanting him to go away again.

The kiss was sweet and communicated everything that existed between them, and Harry never wanted it to end. His hand moved to caress Severus' cheek and he felt a wetness there, quickly running his thumb over it to wipe it away before he opened his eyes.

A smile given and another look exchanged, Harry then yawned, exhausted. Severus must have understood because he took him in his arms again and Harry allowed himself to relax into the embrace, feeling at long last that he was home.

Severus' sigh was the last thing he heard before he fell asleep and dreamt.

In his dreams he was warm. So very warm.