Pains and Contradictions

A/N Thanks to those that reviewed. I realize this is adulfanfiction but I\'m trying for some authenticity with Harry and Snape, meaning that there will be slashy goodness but it will be a while. I promise some plot for those of you who stick it out.





The rest of their train ride passed in what Snape would be forced to call a companionable silence. Try as he might, he could not reconcile that fact in his mind. Potter was more than justified to scream at him, curse his name and the day he was born. Or at the very least, could have pestered him with more questions than he had.



But he didn\'t. The boy just sat there, looking out the window with a contemplative look on his face.



Snape hoped that with all that had transpired in the last few hours, the revelations the boy had experienced would not overburden him.



Potter seemed subdued but not to the breaking point. That look of hopelessness that only Snape seemed to have noticed throughout the year was gone from his face at the moment. Instead there seemed to be a, frankly, beautiful type of mourning.



If Snape wanted to put a word to it, he would be forced to call it introspection. The boy seemed to be lost in thought. Whether it was about his dead friend or what Snape had just revealed to him, he would not hazard a guess.



As the train approached the station, Potter looked up at him for the first time in hours and without hesitation asked a single question, "Why didn\'t you try harder to teach me Occlumency?"



Again, of all the questions Snape had expected of this boy, that was the one he least expected.



He thought briefly of all the answers that he could give. He could always say that he had tried to teach him Occlumency to the best of his abilities. That Potter was just completely inept when it came to Mind Magic or that the lazy child had not tried when he asked him to. That last was true, at least. He would be justified, he knew. The Headmaster had informed Snape of how and why Potter had come to dream about the Department of Mysteries. He knew the boy was curious as to what was at the end of that dark corridor.



But as much as he was loathe to admit it, something inside him knew he owed this boy the truth. And the real truth was none of those things.



"Because at the time I didn\'t see you as my friend\'s son. I looked at you and only saw my enemy. With your behavior at the time, it was very difficult to look at you, see your face and not think of James Potter."



Potter frowned but stopped himself from protesting and seemed to consider that for a moment. Snape could almost see the wheels turning in his head. He knew by the look on his face that he had accepted what Snape said as the truth.



Then Potter opened his mouth and abruptly closed it. He put his head down and avoided Snape\'s gaze and looked at his fingers.



"Whatever you were going to say, just say it, Potter. I believe we are beyond social niceties at this point."



Potter looked up at him, his green eyes still glassy with the unshed tears that had pooled throughout the trip. "Do you still see me as your enemy\'s son? Or do you see me more as your friend\'s?"



Once again the Potions Master had to school his face to mask his surprise. What did it matter to Potter how the man who was responsible for his parent\'s death saw him? He wanted to reply, \'what difference could it possibly make to you\', but stopped himself. The boy looked as though one callous word from Snape would break him. How could his opinion matter so much?



More than that, he did not know how to answer the question. Yes, over the past year he had begun to see the giving nature of his old friend in the boy that sat in front of him. Her quiet strength and also her audacious spirit seemed to be channeled through the boy but he was not his mother. Nor was he his father. Even at his worse, Potter lacked the maliciousness and the apathy that had been present in his old enemy.



"You are your own man, Potter," Snape finally answered.



That answer seemed to please Potter. He gave a small smile and nodded his head. Why his answer satisfied the boy, Snape had no idea.



As the train pulled to a stop, Potter stood from his seat and said, "Thank you, Professor."



Snape only nodded at him.



"Wait, I don\'t...I don\'t think..."



"Out with it, Potter," Snape growled.



Harry backed up a step to look him in the eye as Snape stood up to his full height and said, "Thank you for telling me the truth. No one\'s ever really done that. I mean, other people know more about my own life than I do. I think you\'re the first person to ever just tell me the truth when I asked for it."



That was an understatement if Snape had ever heard one. Once again, he was baffled at how Potter could somehow be grateful at the information Snape had just given him. He had seen this day coming for sixteen years and had never dreamed that its outcome could be like this.



It almost felt like forgiveness. Except for the fact that Snape knew without a doubt that forgiveness did not exist for men like him.



"I believe I am the one who should be expressing gratitude to you," it was very difficult for Snape to express his gratefulness to his student but he knew this graciousness Potter was displaying could not go unnoticed. "You had every right to take whatever revenge you may have felt was appropriate and you did not. That manner of action is...beyond my reasoning. That\'s something your father would have never done."



Harry flinched at this but nodded and turned toward the door.



Harry did not seem eager to go out the door to the hallway. He turned back to Snape and asked, "Sir, do you think they\'ll let me go to Ron\'s funeral? I\'d really like to be there." Something like fear flashed through his eyes and he said suddenly, "Unless, do you think the Weasleys wouldn\'t want me there? I wouldn\'t want to disturb them and they might not want to see me..."



Snape interrupted his rant, "From what I know of the Weasleys, they are a kind and loyal bunch," while those weren\'t the only adjectives he could use the describe the Weasleys, they would do for now. "They would not place blame where blame does not belong. However, I am unsure if you will be able to attend the funeral. You will have to ask the Headmaster."



Harry\'s head dropped at this, as if he already knew what Dumbledore would say.



Snape could understand that. He knew what Dumbledore would say as well.



With that, Potter opened the door to the cabin and walked into the hall, with Snape on his heels.



***************



As Harry exited the train, he was surprised with the extreme juxtaposition he found himself in. While thoughts of Ron and the prophecy were still heavy on his mind, at the moment his greatest concern was how Snape would handle the Dursleys.



Snape was by his side, still scanning the area, almost seeming to be on top of him, "Potter, let\'s retrieve your trunk, then we\'ll find your awful relatives and get you inside those wards as quickly as possible." Snape was walking quickly but making sure Harry was beside him all the way.



"Um, Professor..."



Snape rolled his eyes at Harry\'s vocal stumbling, "Just out with it, Potter. I have no desire to hear you stammer on as usual."



Harry smarted at that. It seemed whatever uneasy truce they may have made on the train would not change Snape\'s acerbic personality. He braced himself while picking up his trunk and struggling with it, "It\'s just that, well, I don\'t know what you may have heard or maybe seen about my family, what with the Occlumency lessons and all and...er..."



They weren\'t even off Platform 9 3/4 and Snape was already slightly perturbed. Taking the trunk from Potter, he shrunk it and put it in his pocket. "There, now out with whatever you\'re attempting but failing miserably to say."



"Look, my relatives aren\'t as bad as they seem. I mean, to an outsider it\'d probably look like I was being you know, abused....or something but I\'m not, really."



Snape\'s dark eyes met Harry\'s vibrant green and he wondered if Potter realized what he was saying. How classically textbook what he was saying to the man was.



"Exactly what is abuse to you, Mr. Potter?"



"Well, you know like beating me to within an inch of my life or not letting me use their toilet or torturing me, things like that. They\'ve never done anything like that, honestly."



Harry was beginning to grow nervous. He knew that this was his last summer with the Dursleys and it wasn\'t so much that he was afraid of it being too horrible. No, there were far worse things than being cuffed on the head or going a few days without food. The things the Dursleys could do to him didn\'t frighten him in the least.



But though he had not yet examined his new thoughts on the man before him, he did not want anyone in the Wizarding world to know what his childhood had been like. That was his struggle and it was almost over. It had never been too horrible. Harry knew from stories he had heard and occasional snippets of news he caught on the television when he was allowed near the living room that some kids had it really bad. No, compared to some, the Dursleys were saints. Besides, Snape was the only person that had ever treated him like he was normal. He may have been an utter bastard to him but he never got caught up in all that hero worship. He didn\'t think he could take it if Snape pitied him.



Snape had good intentions but he did not want the man to know what his home life was like. Occlumency lessons aside, he knew Snape had a very vague idea and wanted to keep it that way.



Snape looked his charge in the face for just another moment, before he remembered where they were and the danger they were still in. Glaring about the station, he took Potter\'s arm in his hand and spoke to him while walking, "And prey tell, Mr. Potter, what exactly did your relatives do to you that you\'re so sure was not abuse? They didn\'t beat you to within an inch of your life? Are you going to tell me that they\'ve never laid a hand on you? Are you going to lie to me and tell me you received three square meals a day? Are you going to attempt to twist what I saw in your memories until I begin to believe you grew up in a wholesome, loving environment? Tell me, Mr. Potter."



Harry struggled to get his arm out from the Potions Master\'s grip, "Look, I know they\'re not good people, I\'m not trying to say they are. They\'re mean and they\'re petty and I hate them. But it\'s not that bad, I mean there are people, there are things that are so much worse."



Worse? Was the boy happy simply because his relatives didn\'t violently beat him? Snape lifted an eyebrow and cursed Dumbledore. Harry was showing classic signs of an abuse victim, trying to cover up the abuse because he was so obviously embarrassed. "Mr. Potter, I don\'t suppose you realize exactly what you sound like right now," at Harry\'s bewildered gaze Snape continued, "you sound like a very typical abuse victim. And believe me, Potter, I should know. I\'m the Head of Slytherin. Do you not think I have to keep my eyes open for signs of abuse in children?"



"No really, it\'s not abuse. I mean....if anything it\'s more like neglect."



Snape stopped right in the middle of a step and Harry almost collided with him. He turned to look at Harry next to him and gave him a discerning look.



He\'d heard those words before, not twelve hours before, right after the Leaving Feast. Looking at Harry\'s face, he was trying to discern if the words were the boy\'s own or if he was parroting their well meaning Headmaster.



Finally understanding that the words were coming from Potter\'s own mind, Snape sighed, "No one deserves to be treated like that, Potter." Snape was dealing with too many of his own memories today. So many experiences he shared with this boy. He was glad, at least, that there were people around to break that silence that had been pervasive in the cabin. Companionable silence or not, the boy did not need any type of intensity right now.



Snape went first through the gateway and pulled Harry along with him. They were looking around for only a moment when a bellow sounded over all the other voices.



"Boy!" Harry heard his uncle before he saw him. Sure enough the large walrus-like man was waiting at the end of the platform with Dudley standing idly next to him.



"Hurry up, boy! I\'ll not have you flitting about with these freaks any longer than necessary," and with that Vernon roughly grabbed Harry\'s upper arm and began dragging him towards where his car was parked.



He had been in such a hurry to get away from the crowd that surrounded the station that he did not notice the tall, dark menacing man in the wizard\'s robes that had been standing very close to Harry, waiting for this very moment.



It was only Snape\'s iron will that kept him from cursing the man. Anyone who had eyes would see that the boy was upset to the point that it was effecting him physically. But as in the case of most child abusers, Snape thought, this man probably never saw past his own meaty fist.



Before Vernon could take two steps, Snape\'s hand went around Vernon\'s exceptionally large bicep.



"Vernon Dursley, I presume? I\'m so pleased to make your acquaintance. You see, I\'ve heard so much about you."



Vernon took one look at the Potions Master and bellowed, "Get your hands off me you, freak. I\'ll not have you lot threatening me like you did last year. If the boy is to stay at my house, he\'ll obey my rules."



"Unhand the boy," Snape pulled his wand from under his sleeve so it was visible only to Vernon and not to passersby. "I would say I\'m surprised at your utter stupidity but that would be a lie. Unlike Potter, I am a fully trained, adult wizard and there is currently no restriction on when I can use magic. Or how." With that he uttered a stinging hex that hit Vernon\'s hand. He dropped Harry and recoiled.



Vernon grabbed his singed hand with the other and met Snape\'s glare, "Now see here, you..."



"No," he said in his most snide voice. "This is what\'s going to happen, Dursley. We are going to get in that incepted muggle contraption you call an automobile. We will drive to your home in Surrey where I will escort Mr. Potter directly to your place of residence. Once Potter is safely inside, and I mean safely, I will take my leave and not disturb you again. Is that understood or do I need to use smaller words? Or perhaps hand gestures?"



Vernon finally got a good look at the man he was up against. He might be much slimmer than Vernon but that grip had been enough to subdue the whale sized man. Plus, people were starting to take notice of him and it wouldn\'t do to be seen in such company.



"Fine, but hurry it up. And you\'ll leave quickly too, I wouldn\'t want the neighbors to see you."



Potter looked on the scene with a sense of disbelief. Perhaps he couldn\'t believe his Potions Master would defend him unless certain death was involved. That may have been true, but what Snape had seen of this man, he felt he had the justification of a little revenge.



For his own sake. If Potter\'s summer was a little less harsh on him, then that was just a plus that Snape hadn\'t considered.



Vernon waddled off as quickly as a man of his size could, the younger grapefruit on legs trailing behind him, giving Snape looks typical of a first year Hufflepuff.



"Potter, stay close to me. Do not assume that we are safe yet."



"Alright, Professor."



The two Dursleys settled into the front seat while Snape and Harry sat in the back, with Hedwig between them.



As they drove to Surrey, that same companionable silence that Snape couldn\'t explain seemed to settle between himself and the boy. He even caught Potter looking his way a few times, always with the same odd expression on his face that Snape couldn\'t place.



Driving around Little Whinging, Snape was reminded of how every house in Muggle cities looked exactly alike. He was amazed the daft fool could figure out which one he lived in.



Finally, the car pulled up to Number Four Privet Drive and the passengers disembarked.



Vernon rounded on Snape, "Alright, he\'s home. Now you get your freak self out of here however you freaks do it." The man had the nerve to put his finger in Snape\'s face.



Which was a very bad idea.



"It would be wise," Snape grabbed the fat finger that was so close to his nose and squeezed, "not to underestimate me, Dursley. I said I would see to it that Potter was safe. I am not yet convinced of that. Perhaps we should take this discussion inside before your neighbors witness it."



Sure enough, Petunia had been watching from the kitchen window. She opened the door and put on her most false looking smile, "Vernon, you\'re home. Come in, dinner\'s ready."



Harry carried Hedwig while Snape still had the shrunken truck hidden in his pocket. The four men went quickly inside where Petunia immediately rounded on Harry.



"What\'s this, bringing one of those freaks here? What if the neighbors had see you? You should know better, boy!" Petuna screeched at Harry who was standing with his shoulders so squared it looked as if he had a rod in his back.



Petunia had yet to really see Snape. All she had seen was a wizard in his robes but she had not looked on his face yet.



"Good evening, Petunia. How lovely it is to see you again, after all these years."



Petunia turned from Harry who was standing defiantly in the entryway to Snape whose words sounded kind but voice sounded like ice.



The horse-faced woman looked upon Snape and seemed to take him in. Looking him square in the face, whose sharp featured had changed little over the years, she recognized him quickly. "You! That awful boy."



"You know this man?" Vernon questioned her. Dudley seemed to flee from the room in terror, running up the stairs.



"Yes, I know him. He was that awful boy who used to play with Lily. That freak who contaminated her with his freakishness." Petunia seemed to recognize Snape the boy, but not Snape the man. She seemed to forget she was dealing with a fully trained adult wizard and not the child she knew.



"Yes, Petunia, that awful boy. How horrible it must have been to be the plain, boring muggle of a sister as beautiful and talented as Lily was. I see the spite and envy you nurtured as a child has served you well into adulthood."



Harry stood a few feet off from the confrontation, trying to understand what was going on in front of him. He remembered Aunt Petunia referring to \'that awful boy\' last year but he thought she was referring to his father. He knew Snape had known Petunia, the man had just told him on the train. But hearing about it was one thing and seeing it was something completely different. The satisfaction that played across Snape\'s features was something Harry could understand. After all he had suffered at the hands of the Dursleys he had longed to vent his anger at them too.



"How dare you! Lily was a freak. She went to that freak school and married that good for nothing boy, Potter, and he got her killed. And we had the burden of raising her brat. You have no idea what it\'s been like, looking at Lily\'s mistakes and failures in the eyes all these years."



Something like murderous rage passed over Snape\'s face and both Petunia and Vernon took a step back. "Your sister was ten times the woman you could ever have hoped to have been. Her husband was a cruel, reckless bully but he died protecting her. And she died protecting him," Snape pointed at Harry. "Somehow I can\'t see you sacrificing even your good china for that small whale you call a son.



"It\'s because of her sacrifice that any of us are alive today. You know enough about what transpired sixteen years ago to not play the ignorant housewife, Petunia."



Petunia was quiet at that but her eyes were still cold as she looked Snape up and down.



"Now see here...er....," Vernon seemed to rally.



"Snape. His name is Severus Snape," Petunia\'s nose went into the air in what seemed like a practiced move. "His father was a drunk and his mother never left the house. His kind wouldn\'t be fit to mow our lawn, Vernon. He couldn\'t stand to be in his own home when he was a boy so he pestered Lily night and day. If it hadn\'t been for him contaminating her, she\'d be alive today and we wouldn\'t have this burden."



"That\'s enough," Harry spoke up for the first time since he entered the house. Petunia didn\'t know what she was saying but her words were hitting too close to what the truth of the situation really was. Harry hadn\'t even begun to scratch the surface of his thoughts on what Snape had told him on the train, but something told the younger man that Snape didn\'t deserve Petunia\'s, of all people\'s, criticism.



"You don\'t know him at all. You just knew him as my mum\'s friend years ago. You don\'t know what\'s happened to him since then. You know nothing of his life or what he\'s had to go through," Harry said, his breath coming in pants.



Snape looked at Potter, shocked. No one besides Albus had ever defended him before. And even then, that was because of Snape\'s willingness and ability to be a spy. He had no idea where this defense Potter was mounting was coming from. Snape couldn\'t fathom it.



However, he could see that all the talk about his mother and father had upset him. With all the boy had been through in the last twelve hours, he couldn\'t blame him. Potter was pale and shaking and breathing too hard for a boy who was just standing in a hallway.



"Potter, perhaps you should sit down. Have something to eat. You\'ve not eaten since the feast."



"Oh, no. With an outburst like that, there\'ll be no food for you tonight, boy," Vernon bellowed.



Snape turned from where he was facing Harry and almost seemed to growl, "Ah, we are finally back to the topic in which I came here to discuss," Snape sneered and showed his yellowed teeth. Again, Petunia and Vernon took an unconscious step back. Snape lined himself up so he was standing in front of Harry, acting as a shield once again.



"Your abuse and neglect of this boy will stop. This conversation should have been had years ago but no matter. Potter will be with you only this one summer more and then you never have to lay eyes on him again. But your denial of food, your forcing him to act as a servant and the physical abuse will stop."



Though Snape could not see him, Harry\'s eyes were opened wide. He didn\'t think Snape had seen that much in his Occlumency lessons.



"Wait just one moment, you. I won\'t have a freak telling me how to run my own household..." Vernon stopped as Snape took his wand out from his sleeve, this time fully so all could see it.



"Understand this Dursley," Snape whispered only loud enough for them to barely hear, "myself and other people guarding Potter are going to be watching you. We\'ll be observing your behavior with regards to your nephew. And if we do not like what we see, I will not hesitate to come back here and do something to you that will leave marks."



Petunia was at her husband\'s side, frightened and looking at Snape as if he were the devil himself.



"Do you understand? Or shall I bring out the hand puppets?"



"Ye...er, um, yes," Vernon said, struggling for breath.



"Good. Potter, show me to your room. I\'ll unshrink your trunk."



Harry seemed to snap out of the bewildered daze he had been in and started to head towards the stairway. As they passed the living room, Snape noticed a small cupboard under the stairs that seemed very familiar to him.



Walking past his old cupboard, Harry couldn\'t fathom what Snape had just done. It made no sense to him. His life was obviously not in danger, Harry had said so. Snape had even made good work out of putting Aunt Petunia in her place so why had he defended him?



Harry seemed to fly up the stairs while Snape\'s robes billowed about him, making it seem as though he was floating. As they walked the hallway, Snape noticed the master bedroom as well as a room where lots of irritating bells and whistles seemed to be coming from, which he could only guess belonged to the small sea mammal.



And then Potter approached a door that had locks that bolted from the outside and a cat flap on the door.



Potter opened the door and stepped inside, opening his owl\'s cage and then the window so she could fly out. "Go ahead, girl," he stroked the owl\'s feathers before she took flight.



Snape took in his surroundings. The cot-like bed. The broken toys that were scattered around the room and the shoddy looking desk and shelf. If it wasn\'t for the picture of the snowy owl and Gryffindor banner, he wouldn\'t have guessed this could be Potter\'s room.



But again, he shouldn\'t have been so surprised, really.



Once again, Snape marveled at how Dumbledore could send Potter back here year after year. What must it have been like to grow up in a place like this?



Not wanting to embarrass the boy any further, Snape pulled out the trunk and laid it in the center of the room, waving his wand and muttering the charm that would enlarge it.



Potter sat down on his bed and looked at the floor, then Snape. "Thank you, sir. For that, I mean," he gestured downstairs.



"That was for my own benefit more than yours, Potter, I assure you." If he had taken some satisfaction in humbling Lily\'s awful sister that was really just a bonus. At least Potter wouldn\'t be in danger from his own family for the summer.



"Right. Well, still. Thank you, sir." Potter\'s green eyes seemed to glow in the dark, with the light of the street lamp outside the only thing illuminating the room.



"You\'re welcome. I\'ll see you in September, Potter." With that, Snape turned to leave the room. Something seemed to slow his steps, then he stopped and turned around.



"Potter..." Snape paused when the boy looked up at him. What had he been about to say? The boy\'s best friend was dead and he had to spend the next two months with his horrible muggle relatives. What could he possibly say that would help the boy at all? What good were the value of words at times like this?



"I know it seems impossible now...but you will survive this."



Harry knew he didn\'t mean the war against Voldemort. Snape knew things about him now that no one else knew.



"Thank you, sir," Harry whispered, his voice strained and his body shaking.



There was a knock on the door. Petunia entered with a plate of roast beef. She walked silently by Snape and handed the plate to Harry a bit harshly. Snape nodded to her and put on his most frightening smile, "It was lovely to see you again, Petunia. I\'ll show myself out."



And with that the Potions Master walked down the stairs, out of the house and past the wards. He couldn\'t help but notice how cloudy the sky was, with not a star visible. Somehow, it seemed fitting. Glad to be rid of the place, he walked to a nearby alley and apparated to Hogwarts. He needed to speak with the Headmaster.