The Sins Of A Father

Chapter Twenty-Seven: Saying Nothing







I had fallen ill, it seems the ‘lack’ of energy for the past few months had finally caught up to me. Which made my darling petal - being the delightful wife she is - force me to stay home and telling Riddle herself that I would not attend to work until further notice. I was rather surprised, not many people could talk to Riddle as she did and never to regret it afterwards.



Though perhaps he knew she was the mother of the future heirs of the fortune. Who knew?



It seemed I was not alone in the household, which did not surprise me the least knowing Lily to keep someone at home to attend my needs.



Jimmy was somewhere on the grounds, pulling along Indu the caretaker hopelessly around though knowing her she most certainly did not mind. I find myself - surprise surprise - in bed, a hot water bottle underneath my pillow, covered in thick blankets over the duvet and tissues surrounding every inch of me. How simply charming.



And last but not least, Harry was also at home. We did not speak since that phone call, or rather he did not speak to me since that phone call but who could blame him? I admit, I was a complete prick on saying those things, and a foolish prick on not thinking before saying those things but the truth was he also hurt me as well.



“I don’t think he’ll do this on purpose. I mean…he was there for me when we hadn’t met you yet” that was his exact phrasing. And with those exact words it pierced my chest with betrayal laced around it as a gift-wrapped ribbon. All that I could think of was that his answer meant he cared for Black more than me. That he will chose that disgusting mutt over me when it came down to decision. That he will always think of Black first than me. That he would leave me for him, and never even give me a second thought or glance.



The door opened so slowly it squeaked. I moved my head slightly out of the covers to see a small patch of black hair and a pair of green eyes staring at me. It blinked once, and then twice then sniffled a little. I could not help but give out a little twitch of my lips in amusement though the blankets covered it.



“Jimmy! Jimmy? Where are you? Jimmy!” Indu’s voice had called out.



The little imp squeaked adorably and looked at me with pleading eyes. “Can I come in? Please? She’s gonna make have a bath, but I don’t wanna! Daddy please?”



“You going to be ill if you come near me” I groaned out.



“Jimmy! Come here right now! Or your father will hear about this!” She called out again.



“Please! Daddy!” The pleading look intensified.



I sighed. “She’ll find out and she’ll blame me” but nevertheless I pulled up the other side of covers so he could hid under them. Which he jumped in enthusiasm and let the covers lay onto his small frame.



“It smells!” He mumbled.



I snorted, and then sneezed. “Don’t complain, you wanted to hide here”



A pause. “Did you fart?”



I rolled my eyes, but I did not answer.



“Jimmy?” The door opened to reveal the shimmering old Indian lady. I felt the little warm bundle next to me still. The women came inside quietly, looking at me. “Severus, have you seen Jimmy? He ran away from me when I said he needs a bath” She walked in closer to me. “Boys!!” She scolded, “why is it every time you say they need a bath they run and hide? Good lord, they act as if water will burn them!”



She stopped in front of me; I looked up with an amused expression. Well, as amused, as one can be when one is ill. “Sorry?”



She tsked, “my, my, you must be not feeling well if you are saying sorry…” She put her soft slightly wrinkled hand against my forehead then huffed. “You’re burning up bucha! What medicine are you taking?” She examined the couple of little bottles of pills.



I smiled, though it might seemed a grimace. Bucha was few of the random words of her language she would say in her sentences. I was confused at first but she later on explained it to me, this particular word she would say often to us. It meant ‘child’ in a loving way, in a parental way even. It was too bad that she was not my nanny when I was young, I could of trusted more than I did, but alas it was not meant to be but I was glad that Jimmy had her.



“Hai mera ma!” Translation; Oh my mother! “This would not do Severus! This just makes you not think of the pain, it really does not help you. You’ll be stuck in bed for days with this stuff” she sighed. “I’ll go and make something that would make you feel much better” she went to go exist the room, “oh and if you find Jimmy, tell him to come and-” the said boy sneezed. She stopped dead in her tracks, turning around slowly to glare at me, which I find my self - in horror - covering my head in blankets in shame with just my eyes peeking over the covers.



The boy sneezed twice this time.



She focused her glare next to me, and then smirked. “Too bad he’s not here right now, because I needed someone to help me make a nice chocolate fudge cake with icings and sprinkles and-”



“I want some!” The boy jumped out of the covers, running towards her. Indu smirked even wider, upon seeing this Jimmy paled. “There’s no chocolate cake is there?” He looked rather crestfallen.



She took pity on him, and then breathed out. “I might make a small one if you go and have a bath while I go and make something for your daddy.”



The little imp perked up upon hearing this. “Yes nanny!” With that he ran off.



Before walking out she gave me one final glance and word, “ I will be telling this to your wife Severus” and with that she went with her hands on her hips.



I did feel like a naughty boy, but I would never tell anyone that this particular women did intimidate me more than anyone I ever knew.



An hour later I find my self being woken up by a tender kiss on my forehead and a soft whisper which was ‘why did you hurt me?’ I automatically knew who the voice had belonged to. It hurt to hear the heartbroken words, even though I was the cause of it but he too did hurt me. I too also felt betrayed. I opened up my eyes ever so slowly, looking straight into the green depths. Sadness, pain everything that made me ached was lurking beyond those eyes, lurking beyond his soul.



He straightened up and looked away from me. “I brought up your food,” he pointed towards the tray onto the surface of the drawers. He took a few steps away to leave but I sat up to quickly grabbed his arm though the grip was rather week.



“Please, stay…for awhile…” I gave out a coughing fit.



“No…” He whispered, shaking his arm out of the hold, “there’s nothing to say Pa-” he paused then continued. “Severus” it sounded so cold.



“There is son,” he turned to look at me, “please sit down, we need to talk.”



He glared at me still standing, “what’s there to talk about? You made it perfectly clear the last time we ‘talked’”



I sat up rather stiffly, laying heavily against the board and catching my breath by the effort. “Look, I am so sorry I said those things, it’s just that I already felt angered and-”



“Well why did you take it out on me then?” His eyes flashed in annoyance, “what did I do? I called you to see if you were alright! And all I got was you biting off my head.”



“I’ll explain if you please sit down, after that you can do anything you’ll like” I waved down the space next to me.



And he did, he sat down at the edge of the bed next to me though you could see he’d rather not to and just flee. “Well? Go on, why did you do that?” His eyes was glancing about not at all looking at me.



I gripped the sheets weakly and licked my dry lips. “Because you hurt me too,” I whispered softly.



Now that had gotten his attention, his eyes flaring up in surprise and rage. “How the fuck did I hurt you!?”



“Keep your voice down,” I said through clenched teeth with my head pounding by a migraine, “they would hear! Just please, speak quietly”



“And why should I do that?” Despite his words he did lower his tone, “don’t they want to hear that you took advantage of me? That you used me by sneaking into my room like some dirty old paedophile-”



“Watch your tongue boy!” I glared at him, “and I do recall it was you who wanted me to do those things. How dare you call me such a thing when it was you who confessed your ‘feelings’ to me,” I sneered, “and wanted to be with me. Are you telling me you did not want that at all? I beg to differ”



He glared at me, “yes and I also recall that it was you who chased me down the street confessing your feelings to me!” He harshly replied.



“And I meant it!” I winced slightly and groaned by the raise of my voice, it was not at all helping my headache, for a few seconds I waited in silence to hear if anyone was coming towards the bedroom. Upon hearing nothing I continued, “I meant every damn word of it Harry, or else I would of not done anything else about ‘us’”



“And I’m sure you meant every damn word about me being not your son and to never call you Papa again. You remember that? Do you?” He looked accusingly at me.



That was true, and like any other truth, it comes back to bite you in the arse and leave teeth marks. “I’m…Sorry Harry-”



“Sorry?” He eyes was glazing over by every word leaving his lips, “why should you be sorry for telling me the truth? I know that I’m not your blood, and I’ll never be your actual son…”He swallowed, “and no matter what you say, you will always think of me as Potter’s son. That I was conceived by a previous marriage. And that I will always burden you some way,” he moved his face away from view to the side. “…Jimmy is lucky you know, to be loved by both parents…I’m not even loved by my own blood father…”



I was shocked that he thought like that. I felt even more horrible than before that unknowingly that I had just confirmed his thoughts. I had never meant to, I actual never thought of him like that. He was mine, he was my son. He was my little boy; he was my first child, my first born. How could I let him think anything else? How could I have the nerve to say those despicable things to him? How could I knowingly hurt him without a second thought? Was it really worth it even though he had hurt me?



I sat up even more to move closer to him. I reached out with both arms to pull him against my heated chest onto my lap, he did struggle but thankfully he stopped. I wrapped one arm around his back and one arm around his front to softly stroke his hair and whispering soothingly. “Don’t you ever think like that Raven. You are my son and I am your father. I would of never spent anytime with you if I thought you was a burden, I would of never even bothered but the fact remains I did spend time with you because I love you with all my heart. Forget about Potter, he never deserves someone as special as you my little Raven,“ I kissed his scar upon his forehead tenderly “my little boy. You’re my first born, and as far as I know you are carrying my blood inside you…”



Why did I say that? Am I really that disgusting, that sick, that dreadful to saying those words. Yes I was trying to comfort and calm Harry, to reassure him of his worries but was it truly the best choice of words? Or was it that my conscious was trying to tell me that I was practically fucking my own blood. I do think him of my son but I also think of him as a lover, so how was it different? The truth remain is that he is not related to me although I was there when he was growing up. So is it right or is it wrong to still love and care for him like a father while still treating him as a lover.



He let out a soft whimper, which made me kiss his scar again and shushing him now and then, he soon calmed down enough to choke out a few words. “Why did y-you…Hurt m-me?”



I closed my eyes in a grimace, then reopened them again to move his head to lock green with black. I licked my lips in hesitation, ”because you too also hurt me son…”



“H-how?” There was confusion with mixed worries on his delicate features, as if I was going to hurt him again. I had no one to blame than myself.



I moved my hand away from his soft unruly hair to stroke his cheek soothingly, looking deep into the green mist. “When I told you what had happened to Lily and Sirius you replied to me that he would not do those things on purpose and that he was always there for you-”



“I-” Before he could speak I silenced him with one finger onto his petal like lips.



I continued, “It hurt me to hear you say that. I felt betrayed by you, that you would always choose him over me that you…would want to be with him than me”



He squirmed out of my hold and moved further up to so he could wrap his slim arms around my neck, pressing his lips against my own before placing them on my neck so he could nuzzle his head underneath my chin. “I never meant it like that…it’s just that I knew him so long and I never knew he liked mum like that…”



“Now you do son…” I murmured.



“Yeah…I know, but you and mum look alright…so what happened to Sirius?”



I clenched my teeth out of habit when I hear that name, “he would only be visiting you and collecting you to go to Potter’s house”



I felt him nod, breathing softly against my skin which I had to hold down a shiver in result. “So…what about you and mum?…”



I bit my lip, and then sighed. How could I come about that without hurting him again? How could I answer without him fleeing from my arms and out of my life? After all he was of age to leave home if so chose to, and if he wanted to he could go and live with his godfather or Potter. He could just simply leave me if he just wanted to, then it made me worried. Would he leave me if we had another fight? Or would he leave me for the sake of it?



Hesitantly at first he answered my silent thoughts, “I know you love mum still. I know what I was getting into when I wanted to be with you. I mean you two got married so of course you love each other and…you still do cause you was upset about what mum and Sirius did. I mean, I can’t stop you from loving her-”



“Harry I-”



“Please let me finish Papa. I need to. Please” he whispered pleadingly.



My tone softened, “alright”



“Like I said, I can not stop you from loving her. If it was that simple to stop loving someone then I would of stopped my feelings for you but it’s not possible and I know I tried. I know that you would always love her and that I would just have to deal with it but knowing you felt the same for me, even it was just a little, I would settle for that. I would settle for anything as long as you could always love me in anyway you could allow. I won’t stop you from loving mum, but please just don’t stop loving me…?”



It was true. I still loved Lily, but I also loved Harry, so where was the point in lying even more? To lie and say I did not love her and I only loved him. He would know I was lying and it would make matters just worse but I did love him still also. That was no lie, but it was only the half truth was it not? Yes I loved him, but I also loved another. Yes I loved Lily but I also loved another. That was the truth, the full truth and this particular truth could gain so much and hurt so much at the same time.



So instead of saying anything at all, I kissed him deeply…



Saying nothing at all.