Pains and Contradictions

A/N: Thanks to everyone who has continued to read this story, through angst and long absences. It means a great deal to me that you've stayed with me this long. I promise not to disappoint. Here's an interlude to the last chapter, which was planned from the beginning.

This scene cannot be read by itself. It shows an alternate point of view from the last chapter.

That being said, many thanks go to WhiteCotton and thesewarmstars for beta reading. Your enthusiasm (and thesewarmstars' whimpers) inspires me. Thank you.


"Desperation is the raw material of drastic change. Only those who can leave behind everything they have ever believed in can hope to escape." -- William S. Burroughs


Like cotton wool stretched too thin, Severus stood between Harry and Dumbledore. He needed to leave, to respond to the Dark Lord's call, feeling an almost physical pull. Yet standing in Harry's presence after what felt like ages... Severus had never wanted to remain in another's company so badly, had never needed anything as he needed to be with Harry.

Exasperated, he had no idea why he continued to endure this shouting match, why he continued to stand there as though there were any possible way either of them could change his mind. There was no reason for it, no explanation. If he cut Dumbledore's rant short by storming out the door, he knew no one would dare stop him.

But he remained, hardly able to look at Harry, but feeling some small mercy for simply being in his presence. He only wished he were able to see him in better circumstances, preferably when he was not being distracted by Dumbledore's inane ramblings.

"We still don't know why Voldemort attacked the Hogwarts Express, Severus, nor do we have any idea what his plans are regarding these pointless raids. Your place is no longer in his ranks. It hasn't been for some time."

Hope

Desperation

Severus felt Harry's silent prayer through the bond that perhaps he might be swayed by Dumbledore's words, but he remained resolute and would not allow himself to be distracted. He allowed an even stormier expression to grace his features and made his resolution—he would leave, now; leave before Harry could force him to stay, as only he could do.

And Severus had to go.

"This discussion is pointless and will only cause me to be late," Severus snapped as he turned to leave the office.

In the corner of his eye, he saw Harry's body snap, running to keep up with him and standing in his way. "Don't go. Please. Please, Severus," he said quietly, and Severus stilled as he took in his despondency.

How could he ignore this? How was it possible, especially after weeks of only hearing Harry's voice among the mass of students, always a lower murmur, even in his classes.

What protection did he have against such a plea?

He felt all his defenses drop, every shield he had in place shattered as he clenched his fist and turned to take in Harry's face—his beloved face that Severus hadn't allowed himself to look upon in three long weeks.

His entire face transformed, Severus looked at him and pleaded with him to understand. "Harry, I have to go."

Harry shook his head, his eyes wild and desperate. "No, you don't. You're not supposed to be there anymore. You're supposed to be with me."

Severus closed his eyes, but his efforts were futile. Harry's face was engrained into his mind, his emotions burning through him, the bond between them screaming for him to take Harry and do anything necessary to comfort him.

But he couldn't do that. He had to go; he had to meet the Dark Lord...

"It is for you that I go. I have to protect you. I am meant to protect you," Severus pleaded, begging Harry to understand.

Harry shook his head at Severus, exasperated. "You idiot! I'm supposed to protect you, too! How am I supposed to do that if you go?"

"Stupid boy," Severus muttered, though even he could hear the affection that bled through the insult, "I do not need protection—"

"Yes, you do! If you didn't, then the bond wouldn't work both ways. Do you have any idea what I've gone through, feeling you need me for weeks and not being able to do a thing about it? Do you have any clue?"

Severus clenched his teeth and quelled the desire to shout at Harry. Of course I know what I've put you through, he thought. Every hour of every day...

"Yes," Severus hissed through clenched teeth, his face twisting in guilt and anguish. "You know I—" Severus turned his head as a small movement caught his attention, and realized they were being watched. And when had Lupin arrived?

Appalled that he had allowed himself to become so overcome with emotion that he hadn't noticed such a gross violation of their privacy, he quickly put up a Silencing Charm and turned to face Harry again.

"How can you do this to me, after what you've already done—" Harry cut himself off and looked down, his face growing red with the effort it took to restrain himself. "Don't go. Don't do this to me–to us. For fuck's sake— It would kill me if you died, you know it would."

"Harry—"

"Please," he pleaded. "Please, don't go. What do you want me to do? I'll do anything you want, I swear! Just don't go!"

Severus lowered his head and rubbed his temples, desperate not to allow Harry to see his face, see how close he was to giving in.

"Do you want me to leave you alone? Never speak to you again? I'll do that, I'll do whatever—"

"I have to go, Harry," he said, his eyes on the ground. "Do you think I want this? Do you think I enjoy risking my life—"

"Yes!" Harry interrupted. "Yes, I do—you do! When will it be enough, Severus? When you're dead? Will you forgive yourself then? Is that what has to happen?"

Severus seethed, gritting his teeth and forcing himself not to respond. He had to remain strong, he had to leave, had to find out anything he could to protect Harry.

"I must go—"

"Please!" Harry screamed, his face red and his fists white. "You don't have to do this! What do you want me to do? What do I have to say, do for you to accept that you're forgiven?"

Pale hands ripped at black hair and Harry tore off his glasses before turning to face away from Severus and then back again. For a moment he just stood there, shaking in his rage, his entire body wound tightly and Severus had never wanted to acquiesce to his demands as much as he did in that moment.

He forced himself to be calm, to remain steadfast to his path, the one he had started not long after Harry was born. He couldn't stop, not even for Harry.

"Severus! Look at me!" Harry screamed, and Severus couldn't help but obey.

Suddenly, Harry seemed to calm outwardly though Severus could feel his emotions raging, building into something so terrible it frightened him.

Looking into green eyes, eyes he had been avoiding for more than a month, he felt his breath leave his body in a rush. In that moment, he knew he was powerless before Harry. Some moment passed between them, some knowledge of the inevitable passing through Harry, and he watched as something inside him seemed to fade; Severus had never hated himself more.

He couldn't look any longer. He lowered his eyes to the floor, hating the power Harry had over him, knowing that if he continued looking at him in that way, he would become undone.

"Please."

That voice pleading so softly, so desperately forced Severus to look up and he had to stop himself from moving to take Harry in his arms.

"Please," Harry repeated and wrung his hands together. "Do you want me to beg?" he whispered. "Is that what you want? Is that what it'll take? Do you really want me to beg?"

His body stiff and his hands clenched, he watched as Harry slowly dropped to his knees and put up his hands to beg Severus not to go. Out of the corner of his eye, he caught a movement but he could not spare a thought to what it was. Not when Harry was on his knees. Harry, who was so proud, begging him to stay, begging Severus to remain with him.

"Please don't go," Harry cried in resigned sadness. Severus lowered his eyes to the floor, wanting to tell Harry to get up, wanting to lift him up himself, anything to get him off his knees.

But if did that, if he allowed himself to touch Harry, he knew he would be lost.

No longer able to stay in this room another moment, Severus closed his eyes and made a motion with his wand, conscious that the other men in the room had heard Harry's plea and hating that he had lowered himself to beg in front of anyone.

Being aware that he could be heard did nothing to stop Harry from begging, and though he had never been prideful, Severus was surprised when Harry did not stop himself. He had no idea how Harry could debase himself for anyone, especially him.

"You selfish bastard," Harry shouted to Severus' back as he turned to go. Standing quickly, Harry made to follow him out of the room, but Severus stopped at the door.

With his head bowed away from the room's occupants, Severus stood in the doorframe and asked, "Do you think this is easy for me, Harry? Do you think I want any of this?"

"Then stay," Harry whispered. "Stay with me, please."

Not able to help himself, Severus turned to look at Harry and then promptly closed his eyes. "It is my duty to protect you. Always."

The door made a creaking noise as Severus took a step back to open it when suddenly he was besieged. Rough hands grabbed the front of his robes, and green eyes pierced him before he was pulled down to meet Harry's lips in a passionate kiss.

His determination to keep Harry at bay dissolved in an instant and Severus was shocked to find himself assaulted by him, by his smell, by the feel of his hands and the softness of his lips, the scruff of his cheek. His eyes remained open in shock for a moment before he allowed them to close, no longer able to fight, no longer willing. He felt Harry's arms come up to encircle his shoulders and heard a panicked whimper, feeling Harry's desperation, his relief, his desire through the bond. He gave a desperate moan as he felt a tongue moisten his lips and then threw Harry against the wall, kissing him with abandon, for a moment not caring that he did not deserve this, that he should not do this, and just allowed himself to love Harry.

He felt a hardness press against his thigh before he ended the kiss, the sound of lips leaving lips a harsh reminder of what had to be.

He looked down at Harry, but his eyes were still closed, his lips still slightly parted. Quickly, he turned to Dumbledore while it was possible to make his escape.

"I'll make my report as soon as I return," Severus said to Albus, who nodded in response.

Severus turned to leave, but not before he took one last look at Harry. As though their eyes were drawn to each other's, they shared one last, stolen glance. Severus wanted to promise Harry that he would return, that he would not die, that he would stay alive if only to protect him...

But his throat dried upon seeing Harry's desperate stare, one last plea for him to remain.

He turned as quickly as he could and crossed the threshold, closing the door behind him.