The Sins Of A Father

Chapter Twenty-Six: Bittersweet







I did not comeback home that night, or even during the next day. I spent the night in Lucius’ flat - alone - once he had returned to his own family- and went back to work in the morning.



With no files, which Riddle had called me to his office to complain and nag and “What the fuck happened to your hand?” Needless to say after a few hours grinding at my annoyance, I left feeling every bit of my age suddenly.



But I did left with my mobile with 92 miss calls and 56 voice mails and 43 text messages. All of them from Lily and half of the texts was from Harry, which I quickly reassured him I was fine but not picking any calls from either Lily and Harry.



And I still had left with the gift-a gold bracelet, which I purchased when I went with Lucius - of which I intended to bestow on my petal when I went to check on her. But you can guess what events had accrued within the household when I did check on her.



Once I had arrived back into my peaceful office to sit down in my leathered chair to stare out at the window in thought, my mobile disrupted my peace once again. When I stopped groaning I looked at the screen to see who was it this time.



It was Harry. My Raven.



I did wonder during the night about him. Lying down wondering if he and Jimmy were all right, or if they knew anything at all. If Lily had told Harry that I used Sirius as a punching bag. If Lily was telling them that she was going to leave and take away my sons from me. If Lily was going to tell them that they will be moving into Black’s home and he would be their father now. If Lily was going tell them that I would have the same visitations rights as Potter would. Or that Lily would only let me see Jimmy and never Harry…



Harry. I frowned. Guilt was slowly unpleasantly creeping along my skin. It was not fair on him at all. Here I was, fuming upon seeing my wife cheat on me, while in fact I was cheating with her own son. The son that just wanted to be loved by me…



But I still loved Lily. I loved Harry just as much as my petal.



Guilt has settled on the surface, soon leaking into my pores.



I picked up the phone. “Hello” I went back to stare at the view through my window.



“Papa!” He sounded relived. “Where are you? We’re all worried about you!”



I frowned again. “I’m alright Harry, I’m just at work”



“How comes you didn’t come back home? Mum was up nearly all night; she looked like she’d been crying too. Still did, but not in front of Jimmy. Is everything all right Papa? I’m worried”



I knew I should at least feel a little sympathy towards my wife, seeing that she was worried about me. But the truth is, I did not at all. In fact, I enjoyed the small sadistic pleasure from it. I was glad that she was suffering; at least she knew how it felt on what I had felt seeing her and Black. “Who else was there Harry? Just you three?” I had to know; I just had to know if that bastard was there.



A slight pause, but soon a confused voice had replied. “No? Was someone supposed to Papa? Was that why she was upset? They didn‘t come?”



So he had left. Though most probably Lily had told him to; thinking perhaps that I would soon comeback. Of course she was wrong. “No, I was just wondering that is all. So, where are you right now? Where’s your mother and Jimmy?”



“Mum’s at home, she told me to take Jimmy out. She acted like nothing happened, but I could still tell she was upset Papa…You know why?”



I sighed. What to tell him without getting him upset over the matter. Or would he be happy that he would get me all to himself? Of course he’ll find out soon enough. Black will try something to get Harry against me. To use him to get Lily. I knew him well enough that he’ll try what ever cost to get what he wants. He’ll try to kill me if he could. So it was only natural to give my story before anyone’s else’s. “It depends if withier you’ll believe me or not son…”



Now a quick response. “Papa! I love you so much, I trust you no matter what. And I believe you, you know that”



I smiled faintly. Yes, of course I knew. And even I had felt even more guilt, I loved him even more. He was my little Raven. “I had came home early yesterday to see Lily if she was alright. She hadn’t gone to work because she felt ill…”



“Ok…”



“And I came in to see her and Sirius…” I sneered out his name. I paused feeling anger swelling up inside me. Having the flashing images returning of them embracing.



“Is that it?”



I snorted. “I wish; it would make this so much easier. No, that was not all. Far from it, in fact they was rather involved with each other than thinking of the consequences”



No answer. In fact I thought he had hanged up. “Harry?”



“Was…were they having…Sex?”



I gritted my teeth, my unhelpful mind helpfully helping on conjuring images of them fucking each other. “Most probably if I did not come home early. No Harry, they was just embracing” My teeth clenched even tighter if that was possible. “and kissing” I finished. Breathing through my nose heavily.



A few moments had passed. All I could hear was the light puffs of breaths on the other line. Really, I could not blame him for not replying soon but he did nonetheless. “What did you do?” He whispered softly.



I pursed my lips. How could I explain this? I knew how much Harry loved Black much to my despise. “Black and I argued. We both had gotten into a…fight Harry-”



“Are you ok?” He interrupted.



“Yes I’m fine, just a few bruises, nothing much. Though I would not be to sure about Black” Despite the situation, I felt happy remembering the blood gushing out from his nose.



“Why would he do that?” He sounded defeated, confused.



Triumphed was now squashed by rage. “Because he want to take my family away Harry. He wants me to be alone and make sure not have any contact with you, Jimmy, and Lily if he could help it-”



“Are you sure? I don’t think he’ll do this on purpose. I mean…He was there for me when we hadn’t met you yet…”



My eyes widen in betrayal by my own son. How could he say that? He wanted Sirius over me? He did not mind at all that Lily divorce me and be with Black? That he would rather have him and not me? My vision was red, my hand squeezing tightly around the small object against my ear.



And I could not help the flow of the icy words that left my mouth burn into Harry’s heart. “You are just like your mother,” my voice was cold; heartless. “Gotten bored of me have you? Wanting to fuck Black now?”



“That’s not true and you know it!” He said rather heatedly.



“Tell me, would you let him come into your room in the middle of the night? Would you let him slip under the covers? To touch you? To kiss you? To fuck you through the mattress quietly while your mother slept soundly? Blissfully unaware what her husband was doing right under her nose? Would you moan for more and - ”



“Stop it!” He whispered harshly through the phone. “Just stop it Papa-”



“Do not call me that anymore. You have no right; you are not my son.”



“Papa” his voice was strained.



And with that, I hanged up and switched off my mobile. Chucking it back on the desk I breathed out heavily. Feeling all the pent up frustration, rage, guilt and sorrow swirling around in my blood. Bringing my head into my hands, recalling the conversation over and over again in my mind. I knew I should not have said those words, that I should of shut up or not have even tell Harry about what had happened. But no, I just had to ruin something as good as Harry. I was deeply regretting my actions towards him, I knew how he deeply felt about me. And in a split second I had just thrown it back at his face as if it was nothing.



I felt like giving up. I wanted to give up. I was losing everything. I was losing my beloved Petal to Black, and I was losing Harry because of my own foolishness. Thinking only the thought that I should just let it be. Let my wife be with someone who would care for her. Let Harry grow up and out grow the feelings for me. After all, I deserved it. Since I was just a baby I never had anything as the love and care my wife and children had shown me. I grew up with nothing like that, so why not let it be and let go of it? After all, I practically lived my life with out it, and perhaps I never truly deserved it. That it was some how a mistake that this blissful life with a family never was meant to be in my life. That I was meant to be cold, alone and never experience anything warm. I dug my palms into my closed eyes.



But letting go was so hard. How could you let go of something that you already had experienced?



The day went by rather slowly. The comings and goings of work colleagues, a few clients, Riddle, Lucius…by which he had offered me his flat key if I wanted to “stay there for awhile to cool off”. So that is why I found my self in my car driving in the direction to my home to collect a few belongings to which I could change into and live in the apartment.



Once I drove into the drive way I could see that Lily’s car was parked up. Remembering that Harry told me that she stayed home I cursed silently. I did not want to face her at all. I just could not bear it.



But alas, I had found my self at the doorstep, turning the key into the keyhole and opening to go inside. Once inside the house was silent, which made me confused but then again I wasn’t expecting a welcome back party. Shutting the door quietly, I went up stairs into the bedroom so I could collect the items I needed. Upon reaching the door I slowly turned the handle to go inside which I soon stopped walking with Lily running towards me, throwing her arms around my back into a desperate hug.



She was shaking violently, her soft yet sharp wails of cries was muffled into my chest. I almost broke down my resolve to comfort her, but no, I did not. I just stood there like a statue with my arms limp by my sides. “S-Severus where were you!? I was so worried! I’m s-so sorry! I never meant this to happen! Nothing happened I swear it!”



I just continued to stand there, staring straight ahead at a wall. I felt only two things at that second towards my wife. Calm, mingled with disgust. “Let go of me Lily…”



She did not, though she moved her head to look directly at me which I soon looked downwards only to see the flush on her cheeks. The bright green eyes sparkling with shed tears surrounding by puffy skin. Her red lips bitten and swollen. She chocked out her words. “P-please Sev…f-forgive me, I’m so s-sorry!”



How could I forgive her when I could not forgive myself? I shook my head in a bittersweet realisation. This had all happened to me because I deserved it. I did not deserve her, no matter how much I loved her. I placed my hands on to her arms to make her move away from me. Gently but firmly I had done so, “I’m here to collect a few things Lily-”



“Why?” She burst out, stepping backwards she raised her voice. Each word reaching to the point of hysteria. “Please! I love you Severus! Nothing happened! It never meant to happen!”



I felt the twinge of anger now rising. I clenched my fist and went to the wardrobe to collect some clothing and a gym bag. Going to collect the bag inside the walk-in wardrobe she went in to follow me. “Please Severus! Don’t do this! It never meant anything! Don’t leave me!”



Reaching out to my hanged up suits I replied. “How can I leave you when you was not even with me at all?”



“What do you mean?!” No more hysteria, just confusion and desperation.







Folding up the clothing, I placed them into the bag one by one. “I should of have known all this time really,” I think I was talking to myself more rather than her “that you seemed to act a little different towards Black. I knew he had feelings for you, and when I had told you of my concerns you just simply brushed it off as if it was nothing…” I went to collect my home clothing now, jeans, jumpers, shirts etc. “And all this time you did have feelings for him. That you were with him all this time-”



“Sev’rus, its not true!” Now it was pure desperation.



I ignored her of course, packing away my clothing into the black gym bag. “Tell me did you enjoyed it? That is to say did you enjoy your time together? Laughing away at my feelings for you? Did you imagine him fucking you when I was doing that to you?” If I had said making love I would of surely stuttered. “Thinking how pathetic I was being? But what truly surprises me the most is that you married me. Why did you when in fact your heart lays with Black, or is it that I was just a second option?”



“NO! Severus it meant nothing! Listen to me! It-was-nothing! You don’t even know half of it what really happened! HE was telling me of his feelings! He was telling me that he loved me! He could not take no for an answer when I said I loved you and not him!”



My eyebrows furrowed in irritation. “But I did not see you pushing him away when he kissed you!” I grabbed my bag and went to move towards the exit of the wardrobe which she soon blocked.



“Because you just walked in! When you opened the door he just had done it! I was caught of guard Severus! Why would I want to ruin what we have together? I married you because I love you! I still do with all my heart! I don’t want Sirius! I’ll never will! I want you and always you! Why can’t you understand this!?”



“Because I heard everything! I heard him saying he loved you, and I heard you say exactly the same thing! So don’t you fucking dare lie to me like that!” I moved her away slightly to head for the bathroom. Dropping the bag by the sink I went to reach for the cabinet for my things, but I soon stopped when I had noticed something that I had not seen for a very long time.



“Severus you did not hear it right then! Its true I said that but I also said that I loved him as a brother I never had! Why can’t you understand that I love you? Believe me when I say I want to be with you!”



I ignored her; my attention was firmly set onto the white marble sink. I picked up the item, which I hate to admit - timidly. Afraid that this was wrong.



The colour blue. “What’s this?” I said softly, though rather dumbly knowing what it was. What it meant for both of us. I gave her a brief glance before looking down at the object once again.



She gulped and step forward slowly. “I’m…I’m pregnant…”



I let out a breath, which I did not know I was holding in. I licked my lips, which were dried up in anticipation. I felt her near me. “I see…” I could not stop my next choice of words since this what I could only think of. I needed to know. “Is it…mine?”



“Of course it is!” She said quietly, placing her hand onto my arm ,which hold the white stick. “How could you say that?”



“Because I had just walked in on my wife - the person I love - kissing a another man. What else can I think?” I said roughly, suddenly feeling rather tired with my anger absent. I felt tired, sad…



Unworthy.



“Please Severus,” she whispered “please believe me on what I have said to you. You’re the only one for me. Always will be my love…” She took hold of my hand, plucking the stick out of my grasp and onto the sink then lowering my hand onto her still flat stomach. “This baby is yours. This is what our love had created Severus, this is the child that will call you and only you daddy…” She now lifted my hand to her lips, gently kissing it. “Please believe when I say this” she looked into my eyes, the green mist of her gaze piercing my resolve, “I love you and only you. And I am proud to be carrying your child.”



Now my resolve was finally broken and all that was left was regret, guilt, sadness, hope and love for this woman. So all I could do was show it through my actions, I captured her lips in a desperate, passionate, needful kiss. Both of our hands grabbing at each other lustfully, moving slowly out of the bathroom and stopping at the edge of the bed. Pulling and tearing at all of our clothing, throwing it onto the carpeted floor to be forgotten. Feeling our hot flesh rubbing blissfully together, the need rising to more heights which found us laying onto the middle of the large bed. No protection, no preparation, and our lips not even breaking once for the entire duration of our much needed pent up energy lust/love filled sex. Our hips moving rhythmically with our tongues, her hands gripping my hair, my chest, my back, running her nails along up and down my skin while I gripped the sheets, her hips, around her back to get a better leverage with my dick. Moans and groans and cries filled our room and our home, feeding our need even more to continue our display of neediness of each other’s presence. Our need to love, to forgive and to let it be only us.



We both climaxed. Now the cries turn into roars of joy, happiness of each other’s decelerations of love.



We soon calmed down, the silent hymns of our bodies lowering. Us both resting - Lily falling asleep - holding each other in comfort of the aftermath. With her lying on her side, her head gently resting onto my chest and underneath my chin. One of my arms supporting her back and carding my fingers into her hair lovingly. While my other hand was twined with hers, that laid onto my stomach.



I tenderly placed a kiss onto her forehead, and for the first time since my youth I broke down. No, no wails of anguish, no cries of shouts to the point of hysteria, just the silent flow of tears rolling down my cheeks. All my past doings hitting me full force, all my wrongs reminding me of how lucky I truly was that I had someone to love me as much as Lily did. I had no doubt that Harry loved me as much as Lily and perhaps I should admit that Lucius loved me just as much but rather in a twisted way, but Lily, she was my first love. The first person to see me and only me. The first person to love me, to show me how to love in return.



My tears were bittersweet when it touched my lips.