The Pains of Becoming

thanks to Lily Evins and here comes chapter 28:







Chapter 28

A bad Memory



Kirsty suddenly found herself in Snape’s gloomy living room. The walls were not of the raw stone as the rest of the dungeons. It was entirely covered with dark brown wood, thought most of the walls were covered in bookshelves. There was a small fireplace and two sofas and a coffee table in front of it. Another wooden door possibly lead to his bedroom.



Kirsty looked around vaguely for a moment struggling with understanding were she was. She looked at Snape and stepped back from him a little into the room. She saw him holding the bottle McGonagle had given him, holding it against the dim light to see how much was left in it.



Kirsty continued stepping backwards and could not help to smirk intentionally like a naughty girl: “You’re cross, aren’t you Professor?”



He lowered the bottle and turned to look at her. His face was unreadable, to her surprise, not particularly angry, just stern as usual.



He put the bottle on a small table next to the door and walked over to her. She continued to back off as far as she could till she reached the arm of the sofa. She swayed slightly and grabbed the sofa to steady herself. She looked at him expectantly. But he stopped as well, still meters away from her.



“Sit down,” he said, watching her sway again.



She smiled challengingly and shook her head as she opened her legs a little.



“Don’t tell me to sit down. That’s all wrong. I’ve been a naughty girl, haven’t I?” Snape only looked at her.



“You know what kind of things Lucius used to do to me when I was naughty?”



“I can very well imagine.”



“Can you? Are you …imagining it? I am…,” she put her right hand to the inside of her knee and stroke slowly upwards, pushing up her skirt on the way up to her secret place, exposing naked flesh. Snape’s dark eyes were set on her hand for a moment as it moved up then he looked back up at her face. Her eyes were closed and her lips parted slightly as her hand moved further upwards.



”Stop that,” Snape said.



Kirsty opened her eyes and looked at him, her hand resting somewhere hidden between her thighs.



“Why?” she asked innocently, “For once I am neither harming, nor boring or harassing anyone.”



“Sit down,” he said again, calmly but somewhat unsure. He wanted to just go over there and put her down on the sofa, get her a sobering potion and maybe a weak sleeping potion so he could leave her over night and deal with her tomorrow. But he could not get himself to come any closer to her. He was not sure why, but somehow he was worried about doing so. And he knew she would not do as she was told. He watched her listen to his command and the excitement in her eyes to the sudden idea to disobey it. Her green eyes beamed at him.



“I don’t want to sit down, Professor, “she hesitated, “Lucius would have given me a thrashing by now. He’d grab me and tear off my clothes and if he was angry enough he’d beat me…, ” absently she grabbed her shirt and pulled slowly till the buttons sprang away. She pushed herself up from the sofa’s arm and stepped towards Snape. ´If she only knew what she was playing with,` he thought uncomfortably and pushed the thought away. She looked up at him.



“I miss his voice hissing angry and powerful things into my ear and his hands dominating me and possessing me. I miss his cock filling me, Professor. That were the moments in which I did not feel empty. …I feel so empty now.”



Snape had taken a small step backwards, observing her silently. It was just drunken talk by some stupid infatuated and manipulated girl. She didn’t know what she was talking about, and even if she did, it was not right…He took another step backwards to make sure he kept his distance.



But she continued towards him. She stopped an arm reach in front of him and pulled longingly on her torn blouse again as though it felt too tight. Neck and bra and her belly became visible and he could not keep himself from looking down her figure, as her skirt had been caught at a high, white stocking and was showing off a lot of thigh and the lacy hem of the stocking which was attached to a suspender which disappeared under the fabric of the skirt so deliciously near to were her knickers must be.



“I know you used to be like him,” she said pleadingly.



Snape said nothing. She stepped another step towards him. Now he was almost backed off against the bookshelves. She suddenly felt a bit dizzy and reached for the shelve to steady herself. She sighed, blinking slowly to make the dizziness go away. Now she realised she was suddenly closer to him than she had dared to be. She fixed her eyes on the buttons on his jacket right in front of her.



“I have never seen you happy in all these years. Maybe… it would make you happy again.”



He stood stiffly as though frozen and looked down on her head with that dark hair falling in messy waves. He felt slightly trapped, he hated the feeling. If she didn’t step away soon, he did not dare think what he would do.



“Enough. Pull yourself together,” he said sharply.



“Maybe I’m not that repulsive in the dark, Sir. Lucius taught me well. I’d do anything. I scream for you or I take everything without as much as a peep. Just as you like it.” Hesitantly she moved her hand towards the buttons she was staring at. Her fingertips were just about to touch them.



“Don’t you touch me,” Snape said in a quiet thunder. He felt he was about to grab that messy bush of hair and either throw her across the room or pull her even closer and just take her. But she removed her hand and lowered herself on the floor before him. She still did not look up at him.



“Please. Do anything to me, anything you like.” She slowly forced herself to look up at him. Her pleading eyes met his so far above her.



“Anything…Please.”



She was just a child, she did not know what she was talking about. This was ridiculous.

He sighed and seemed to get over what ever had been captivating him. He bent down, picked her up and carried her to the sofa. She used the precious moment and wrapped her arms around his neck, pressing her face into his shoulder.



He laid her on the sofa by the fire and pulled a blanket over her. She watched him silently. He got up and walked out of her sight.



“Don’t go away!” she called suddenly anxiously and looked up for him. But he reappeared quickly from another smaller door Kirsty had not noticed before. He sat back down, putting two vials on the coffee table. She leaned back and watched him with big adoring eyes. She suddenly felt at peace again by watching him handle the vials, mixing their contents. She had always found it fascinating to see him work with potions. He turned to look at her. His left hand reached out to her face. Her eyes followed his hand carefully and what it was doing near her face but when she felt it softly and steadying at her cheek she closed her eyes for a moment.



“Don’t fall asleep. I need you to take this.” She wanted to ask what it was, but she decided not to, she rather liked to trust him. She let him set the vial to her lips and swallowed the potion, which tasted pleasantly sweet and fresh of limes. She felt instantly relaxed and sleepy.



“I’m sorry I am so time consuming and annoying,” she said, her eyes almost closed and a soft smile on her lips. Snape looked at her and sighed, taking note how she had again remembered his exact words from earlier that day. If she was only that good in remembering the ingredients for veritaserum, considering her NEWTs coming up it was so much more important than what ever he had called her in his irritation.



When Kirsty next woke up she felt not half as at peace as when she had drifted into sleep with Snape sitting next to her.



She felt like a rat had died in her stomach and as she tired to lift her head a blinding pain grabbed her as though her head had been screwed into a vice. She grabbed her head tight to keep it from exploding and moaned miserably.



“Oh Gods, someone kill me now!”



“Someone will, trust me,” said Snape’s dry voice from near the fireplace and he held another vial in front of her blurred vision.



“What’s this now?” she said and screwed up her face.



“Drink it, so we can move on to the part where I make you feel very sorry for your behaviour last night.”



She slapped her hand over her eyes suddenly remembering and cried: “Oh God…oh God!”



“Don’t throw a tantrum! Drink the potion.”



She grabbed the vial and threw it back into her throat. It was the same sweet potion from the night before, but now it somehow was not half as pleasant, it seemed to squeeze all the nerves in her body. She breathed heavily for a moment but then felt the nasty squeeze subsiding and started to relax, she instantly felt better. But with normality coming back to her body, she remembered, she remembered far to well, not only how terribly embarrassing she had behaved last night but almost worse, she remembered again who she was, and what was paining her and how she missed Lucius and how Draco had rejected her, and how Snape had rejected her. Her breathing became heavy and she began to stare at the coffee table.



“Are you feeling better?” Snape asked.



She nodded still staring at the table.



“Let the potion take effect for a few minutes, then go to the common room and get yourself ready for breakfast. Make sure you eat something. I’ll see you in my office after breakfast.”



She hesitated a moment, then realised it was Saturday, no classes today…. An entire day revising with Snape, after what had happened last night, she did not know how to survive it.



Snape hesitated as well, looking at her a moment then he said:



“I have to go already. The Headmaster wants to see me before breakfast,” he looked around his living room quickly as to check he had not left anything lying around that she wasn’t supposed to see and turned back to her, “Don’t touch anything.”



He turned and left. Kirsty sat still staring a moment, feeling the potion effectively clearing out all the pain and sickness. Yet when she tied to stand up she still felt exhausted, her strength weakened even more when she thought back to last night. Kneeling before Snape begging him to take her, she screwed up her face in dread. What had gotten into her? She didn’t want Professor Snape! She wanted Lucius! She could only assume that in her drunkenness she had reached out for anything that had a connection to Lucius.



She decided to get up and walk about the room a bit till she was strong enough to leave it and face students in the hallways. She looked over the many books that were neatly sorted into the shelves. Most of the titles were either unreadable, because the books were so old, or in strange foreign languages, so her eyes wandered further around the room. She knew it was not right, but she did not expect him back any time soon, so she decided to have a look into the other room. She opened the door carefully and found, as expected, Snape’s bedroom. It was just as gloomy as the living room and also here were the walls covered in dark wood and bookshelves. A large four-poster bed with heavy, dark curtains dominated the room. There was also a writing desk in one corner, facing into the room. While in the living room everything had been very neat and tidy the desk in this room was completely covered with heavy books, some lying open, some were textbooks others were full with Snape’s handwriting. Vials also stood in this mess and other strange objects that Kirsty had never seen before and could not possibly imagine what they could be for. She felt a shiver coming over her. Looking at these things and the way Snape had left them it felt very wrong to have entered the room. But that moment she noticed something shimmering in the corner beside the desk. It was a stone basin. When she came closer she saw why it was shimmering. Inside it was some kind of silvery liquid. She had never seen something like it before and was thinking back whether it was some kind of special potion that she had had in class at some point. She bent over it to look inside followed by the sudden sensation of being grabbed by the head and pulled right into the basin.



“Master!” Kirsty gasped. She didn’t understand it, but suddenly there was Lucius right in front of her… where ever she was, it was not Snape’s bedroom anymore, but who cared, there was Lucius. Kirsty shivered with excitement, she rushed towards him for he seemed not to have noticed her, “Master!” She was ready to throw herself on the floor before him to show her devotion and start explaining why she could not get in touch with him and how sorry she was and to beg him for forgiveness, but he still did not notice her. How could he not? Was he ignoring her? Then she noticed he looked younger. His hair was even sleeker, his skin even fresher. And then she saw, that they were not alone in the room, there was a girl, about Kirsty’s age, maybe slightly older, with white skin and long red hair. She was sitting in a chair, her chest heaving fast. Her lip was bleeding and her cheek seemed to be slightly swollen. Her big green eyes were widely open and fixed on Lucius. She did not blink at all. Her also bruised hands were holding on tightly to the arms of the chair, just as Kirsty used to do it. Kirsty looked back between her and Lucius, a feeling of jealously coming on. What was he doing with her? He clearly was younger than the Lucius she knew, but she did not understand how that was possible. He was leisurely sitting on a table and leaning against a mirror that was on the wall behind him, framed in baroque decorations of gold. He had his eyes fixed on hers, he seemed very calm and comfortable, quite opposite to her. He was twisting a twig of white grapes between his fingers and slowly put it to his mouth once in a while. His legs dangled off the table and he gave it an occasional subconscious kick. As casual as he seemed, the girl he was observing seemed too terrified to move a muscle.



Kirsty did not know what to do. Was she disturbing, was that why he ignored her? Why did he look so different? Where was she? What was this?



That moment a door behind Kirsty opened and someone came in, there was talking among who ever entered. She spun around and stumbled aside quickly to get out of the way. Four male Deatheaters walked in. They also did not seem to notice Kirsty. Was nobody able to see her?



“Severus! Get your half-blood ass over here!” shouted Lucius, without taking his eyes of the girl. The chatting immediately died down and a young man stepped out of the group. Kirsty looked at him. She recognised Snape easily, yet also he looked a lot younger. He was thinner, there was something boyish and self-conscious about him which seemed to be chased out of his face however by eyes that were even more black than the eyes that she was used to. They were pitch black and had an unpleasant and yet seductive shimmer in them, a shimmer that she could not recall to have ever seen in Snape’s eyes. He walked towards Lucius and pulled back the hood that had covered his head.



“Got something for you, Sev. The Dark Lord thinks you have earned yourself some fun.”



Snape slowly turned his glittering eyes on the girl and asked with a voice, traced with hatred so much it seemed to cut through the air: “Who is she?”



“It,” Lucius corrected him, still also looking at her, “…is some mud blood kitten I happened to stumble across. The Dark Lord seems to think she’d be to your taste.” Lucius shifted his eyes questioningly on Snape without moving his head. Snape still only glared at the girl but the glitter in his eyes increased. The girl seemed to be not sure which of these men to keep under close watch, she looked back and forth between them, tightening her grip on the chair.



“You like her?” asked Lucius still with a very observant eye on Snape. Snape said nothing, he actually seemed to be too intrigued by the sight of the girl to answer or even hear Lucius. He stepped a few steps towards her and stopped again, just to stare at her. She had now shifted her attention entirely on him.



“Well, she’s yours, if you want her,” Lucius observed Snape now more darkly, “that’s what it is like being a Deatheater, you can have what you want. You are doing the Dark Lord a great service reminding this scum of what they are, and making clear to them, what you are: superior, “ he kept observing Snape who still only stared at the girl, “let it all out Severus, you can do with it what ever you like, she is no other use then to serve you what ever way you like. She is worth no more than that. Use her, waste her and we simply dispose of her. That’s how it’s meant to be. If there is possibly any reason for them to exists, it is for this.” Snape slowly and as though subconsciously, as he was still staring at the girl, pulled his wand out of his cloak and walked slowly over to her. He stopped before her and stared down at her. She breathed harder and stared up at him.



“Please,” she breathed, “are you going to kill me?” she shook her head shaking with fear, “please don’t…. please.” Her voice was overwhelmed with terror. Snape breathed in slowly and continued staring down at her as though he was absorbing all the fear and terror that radiated from her. It was so clear to Kirsty, this was not the Severus Snape she knew. This one had something truly devilish about him. He lifted his wand slowly and muttered quietly:

„Aeris penuria.“



The girl started to gasp and choke. In panic she tried to suck in the air, but her lungs seemed to decompose. Her eyes widened as she looked up at him turning blue in her face. Snape lowered his wand again and only looked at her. She gasped and almost fell out of her chair inhaling too much all at once. She could breath again.



Snape only blinked, looking at her as though she was a peculiar object he was experimenting on.



Tears shot into the girl’s green eyes as her breath was back to normal and she muttered in panic: “Oh, please. Please don’t kill me! Please!”



He interrupted her by suddenly grabbing her chin and forcing her to look up at him again. She held her breath.



“You have a boyfriend?” he asked, in a voice hoarse from tension and possibly excitement.



Lucius scoffed somewhere behind him and drawled: “If she does, she’s got him well under control. She’s untouched,” he shrugged indifferently, though nobody was looking at him, “I got bored waiting for you, so I thought I’d check. But I didn’t break anything, promise.”



“I don’t,” the girl cut him off in a shaky whisper, still peering up at Snape, trying to search for pity in his black eyes, but she could not find any.



“Of course you do!” he replied angrily, “girls like you always have boyfriends. The quittich captain perhaps? Some handsome, popular boy?”



She shook her head as much as she could in his grip and repeated: “I don’t have a boyfriend, Sir. Guys don’t like me that much.”



He hit her across the face: “Don’t lie to me. Of course they like you and you love it. You love their attention, you love how they crawl after you and make you compliments and presents. It makes you feel so much more important than a common mud blood, doesn’t it? -And what are you sir-ing me for, huh? If you saw me somewhere in Diagon Ally, you would slag me off in front of your friends, wouldn’t you?”



She shook her head violently. And Lucius gave a cough somewhere behind them.



“Sorry to interrupt, “ he said in a fake polite voice, “but Sev, may I suggest you rather show her what you seem to try to express with so many words? I did not get her for you so you can have a good conversation.”



Some Deatheaters laughed in the back.



“Don’t listen to him, please,” the girl whispered with a shaky voice, “I haven’t done anything to you, please don’t hurt me… please.”



He hit her across the face again, she gasped in pain.



“Stop making me pretty eyes. It doesn’t work on me anymore”, he hissed hatefully.



He grabbed her red hair and pulled her off the chair. She cried out. He flung her over into the sofa near them with such force the sofa was pushed back when she hit it. Some Deatheaters clapped and roared.



Kirsty’s heart was beating harder as she watched. Snape came immediately after her and held his wand to her neck. She turned silent immediately and froze.



“Do you know what the cruciatus curse feels like?” he asked, his voice velvety now. She shook her head and breathed: “No. Please…”



“You want me to show you?”



“No.”



“You will be a good, little girl then?”



“Yes,” she nodded desperately, “I’ll do anything. Please don’t hurt me.”



He did not lower his wand nor his glare, but he started opening his trousers. She lowered her eyes to it, composing herself as it seemed.



What exactly was happening was blocked from Kirsty’s view, for Snape stood with the back to her. But she could very well imagine.

He held her hair tightly as she started working on him. His wand was boring into the girl’s neck. It was silent for a moment, until Snape pulled her head back and slapped her again so she was pushed back onto the sofa:



“Enough, mudblood.” He flicked his wand quickly and the girl’s dress tore in the middle and revealed her naked body. She started desperately trying to cover herself up again and cried and begged. Lucius pulled a displeased face and stuck his fingers into his ears.



“Please stun her or something, will you?”



“No,” Snape answered without turning around, “I want to hear her beg for mercy.”



Kirsty’s stomach turned and the girl, hearing this went quiet. She stared up at him: “What made you this way?” she breathed, “why do you hate me? I don’t even know you.”



“You’re a mudblood,” he answered hatefully and pointed his wand at her again as he bend over her and pulled the remains of her dress out of the way to see more of her. She started crying again, and though she did not dare to fight back for real, she twisted around and tried to make it more difficult. Lucius got up quietly and walked over, behind the sofa. He grabbed her head and pulled it back over the sofa’s back. Her fearful eyes stared at him upside down. He looked down into her face with mild curiosity and kept his grip firm.



“Behave, please,” he said. Snape tore the rest of her dress out of the way and bend over her. He bit her nipple and made her gasp. His hand settled possessively between her legs and he forced his fingers inside her. She cried in agony, but could not move much, for Lucius still had her hair tightly in his grip and her head bent back.



“Well, well, I am not sure I’m going to fit in there,” muttered Snape and forced his fingers deeper with a lot of effort. The girl cried harder and her body twitched from her attempts to struggle.



Kirsty felt sick. This was the man, she could not imagine having dirty things on his mind at all, never mind doing them!

He pulled his fingers out of her and settled between her legs. She struggled violently, but it hardly made any difference.



“No! Please!”



Snape held his wand to her head and whispered something into her ear. She ceased her fighting a little bit but only cried harder. Then he forced himself inside her with a violent thrust. Her body stated shaking from crying. Lucius pressed his hand over her mouth and muffled her screaming.



Snape directed his wand deeper towards her lower region and muttered:



”Occultus crema intestinus.“ Her cry turned ear piercing and her body went rigid. Snape came over her entirely and fucked her, keeping the spell going.



Kirsty swallowed, she felt dizzy, she did not know the spell Snape was putting on her but she had the strong feeling it was causing her some kind of internal pain on top of the one she was already enduring. She remembered how Lucius had taken her virginity and how painful it had been. She felt as though she was seeing herself, several months back. As she kept looking on Lucius started possessively squeezing the girl’s breast and then undoing his own trousers.



Snape seemed to have lifted the spell on her because her body went limp again and her scream turned into a defeated cry interrupted by painful sighs when Snape thrust into her even harder. Lucius, still holding her head back by her hair, took hold of her chin and pulled her further back over the sofa. He pulled out his cock and pushed it towards her mouth:



“Make yourself useful while you’re still breathing precious air, will you?” he sneered. Terrified, the girl opened her mouth and let him shove in his cock. She tired hard to make it work, without biting him, while Snape still tore her apart from the inside. She felt both their wands boring into her flesh as well, momentarily not torturing her with some terrible curse. She did not want to give them any reason to change this so her tears started to roll rather quietly down her face only accompanied sometimes by a pained moan or squeak.



Snape started to thrust even harder and grabbed her hips tightly. She started chocking on Lucius cock and gasped for air, while again stating to cry loudly. Lucius retreated out of her mouth, but held her head pulled back.



“Useless piece of scum,” he muttered, and stroke himself to keep himself hard. Snape came and spilled into her, digging his fingers into her flesh. Lucius finally let go of her and she slumped into the sofa under Snape. He pulled out of her and moved back from her.



“Oh God, why are you doing this to me?” she cried on, her eyes swollen and her face wet from crying.



“Doing what? We haven’t even started, mud blood,” Lucius said and moved around the sofa next to Snape who was pulling his clothes back in place.



Lucius gave Snape a look: “You’re finished with her for now, aren’t you?”



Snape didn’t answer and only retreated and sat back in a chair were the other Deatheater’s were. He looked darkly ahead, stroking the curtains of hair out of his eyes.

Lucius came over her and put his wand to her cheek: “I am not so much for screaming and crying. Don’t make a sound or I hex you into madness.” He pulled her flat onto her back and forced himself inside her. Her face distorted in pain but hardly any sounds came from her mouth.



Kirsty looked over to Snape, he still sat there, not moving and staring darkly at Lucius and the girl. His wand was still in his hand, which seemed to twitch softly.



Kirsty heard Lucius orgasm and Snape said: “Don’t kill her just yet. I want to try out a few things.” His grip on his wand tightened and his eyes kept glittering. Kirsty felt a shiver coming over her. She did not want to see anymore. She turned to leave the room, not knowing where it would take her. As she pulled the door open she fell into space. She could not tell whether downwards or upwards but suddenly she felt ground under her feet as though she had never left it and stumbled away from the basin.